Fun With the Sullivan Family

Tonight, I'm going to take a break from the "If God is Good" posts and share some of the fun our family had over the 4th of July weekend. Over the past several years, Brad's parents have hosted what they call "G & G Camp" (Grandma & Grandpa Camp) for their grandchildren, who all happen to be girls! They've done lots of fun things over the years, including horseback riding, kayaking, visiting museums, exploring caves, rock climbing...you name it, they've done it! This year, we parents were invited too, and we spent the weekend at a ranch/resort just outside of Dallas.

We all traveled to Texas from our various locations, and our first stop was the new Cowboy stadium in Arlington. We got a wonderful tour of this amazing facility, and had lots of fun taking pictures while we were there...

Here are the cousins taking in the view (the youngest cousin, Faith, didn't get to take the tour with us)...

And here they are pretending to be VIPs in the box seats...

And posing by the NFL logo...

And, of course, posing as Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in their locker room!

And the Dads had to get in on the act in the players' locker room...

After the tour, we traveled the rest of the way to the ranch, where we met up with Brad's sister, her husband, and their sweet little girl, Faith. We don't get to see her very often, because they live in Waco, so we really enjoyed our time with her. Here she is checking out the pool...

Playing with a new toy...

And hanging out with her oldest cousin, Bethany...

We really didn't do much after we got to the ranch...other than a trip to the grocery store, we didn't even leave. We basically just hung out by the pool, grilled burgers, and played games. We had our first-ever Sullivan family Bunco tournament, and enjoyed playing Apples to Apples and Phase 10.

Hannah would have absolutely loved every minute of it. There was nothing she enjoyed more than spending time with her family. She was the oldest cousin, and thought her younger cousins were hilarious...even when they weren't trying to be. She would love playing with Faith, who was born just two months before she went to Heaven. She always loved playing games, although we never could figure out why, because she almost always lost. And while we were there, I missed her constantly, and kept feeling like she should be there...but it wasn't an unbearable weight. We shared many fond remembrances of her while we visited...and it was okay.

I dreamed about her last night. That's only the second time I've dreamed about her since she died. Most of it is pretty hazy...Someone (maybe Bethany) was shouting, "Hannah's back! She's here and she's fine!" And I ran into her room and she was sitting cross-legged on her bed and smiling. Her hair was thick and curly and she was stunningly beautiful. We hugged and talked and laughed. I have no idea what we talked about, but I could "hear" her voice and her laugh, and I was amazed that she sounded just like she did before she got sick. There was an undescribably glowing peace upon her, and my clearest memory from this dream is the unspeakable joy I felt at seeing her so healthy and whole. When I first woke up this morning, I didn't even remember the dream right away...it just suddenly came back to me mid-morning. At first it made me sad, because I wanted so badly for it to not be a dream...but then I was reminded that she is healthy and whole and beautiful and peaceful. My joy at seeing her again is simply postponed. And that joy will just be that much sweeter after this time apart!

If God Is Good... (Part 3)

More thoughts from Randy Alcorn's book "If God is Good..." tonight:

Randy says that most of us don't give much thought to evil and suffering until we experience them ourselves. That was definitely true for me. Before our lives were turned upside down by Hannah's cancer, it seemed like those kinds of catastrophes only happened to "other people". But, Randy points out that if we don't spend some time contemplating our response to suffering before it happens, we will be forced to "formulate perspective on the fly, at a time when our thinking is muddled and we're exhausted and consumed by pressing issues."

Consider these differing perspectives on suffering. A friend of Randy's shared this story:

"When I was admitted to the hospital in sepsis with a 50/50 chance of survival, I asked the chaplain how we could believe that God is love, when this felt like the antithesis of love. I said I wouldn't inflict this much suffering on someone I hated, let alone someone I loved. She told me she would "look it up," then left my room and never came back. I posed the same question to the social worker who came to visit me a few days later. She told me that God's like a giant and we're like little ants, and sometimes He accidentally steps on our ant hills and some of us get hurt. She said our suffering is random and God's probably not even aware of it."

Wow. Where is the hope in that? Why even bother?

Contrast that story with this one. In May 2000, James Montgomery Boice, pastor of a large church in Philadelphia, shared with his congregation that he'd been diagnosed with liver cancer. Here's what he told them:

"Should you pray for a miracle? Well, you're free to do that, of course. My general impression is that the God who is able to do miracles--and He certainly can--is also able to keep you from getting the problem in the first place. So although miracles do happen, they're rare by definition.... Above all, I would say pray for the glory of God. If you think of God glorifying Himself in history and you say, where in all of history has God most glorified Himself? He did it at the cross of Jesus Christ, and it wasn't by delivering Jesus from the cross, though He could have.... God is in charge. When things like this come into our lives, they are not accidental. It's not as if God somehow forgot what was going on, and something bad slipped by.... God is not only the one who is in charge; God is also good. Everything He does is good.... If God does something in your life, would you change it? If you'd change it, you'd make it worse. It wouldn't be as good."

Eight weeks later, Pastor Boice stepped into Heaven. I love his perspective. There's nothing left for me to add.

If God is Good... (Part 2)

This is the book I'll be referring to a lot in the next couple of posts. As I said last time, I'm no theologian, so I'm happy to defer to Randy Alcorn on most of what I'll be sharing. I want to be sure it's clear that these thoughts are not original with me. Some of what he says is hard to hear, but I think there's real value in it.

A Barna poll asked, "If you could ask God only one question and you knew He would give you an answer, what would you ask?" The most common response was, "Why is there pain and suffering in the world?" John Stott says, "The fact of suffering undoubtedly constitutes the single greatest challenge to the Christian faith, and has been in every generation. Its distribution and degree appear to be entirely random and therefore unfair. Sensitive spirits ask if it can possibly be reconciled with God's justice and love." The problem of evil in the world is sometimes used as the "ultimate trump card" to argue against the Christian faith. Atheists often use this argument to "prove" that God does not exist.

Now here's the statement from Randy (I think I've read enough of his books to be on a first-name basis with him!) that really struck me: A faith that leaves us unprepared for suffering is a faith that deserves to be lost. He quotes John Piper: "Wimpy worldviews make wimpy Christians. And wimpy Christians won't survive the days ahead." Then he quotes Auschwitz survivor Viktor Frankl: "Just as the small fire is extinguished by the storm whereas a large fire is enhanced by it, likewise a weak faith is weakened by predicaments and catastrophes whereas a strong faith is strengthened by them." He says that when people lose their faith because of suffering, it's usually a weak or nominal faith that doesn't account for or prepare them for evil or suffering, and that any faith not based on the truth needs to be lost.

Here come the big guns....He says, "If you base your faith on lack of affliction, your faith lives on the brink of extinction and will fall apart because of a frightening diagnosis or a shattering phone call. Token faith will not survive suffering, nor should it. Losing your faith may be God's gift to you. Only when you jettison ungrounded and untrue faith can you replace it with valid faith in the true God--faith that can pass, and even find strength in, the most formidable of life's tests."

Whew! Food for thought, huh? That's enough for one night...More to follow on another day.

If God Is Good...

On the day we found out Hannah had a brain tumor, I sent an email to a few close friends and family members letting them know the news and requesting prayer for our family. This email was the first of over one hundred that were sent out during her year-long battle with cancer. (See "Hannah's Story in Emails" over in the right-hand column.) These emails were forwarded many times over, resulting in prayer for our family literally around the world. I always closed my emails with the words "God is good, all the time". I believed those words then, and I still believe them now.

So I was intrigued when I found a book by Randy Alcorn titled "If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil". I am an avid reader, and Randy Alcorn is one of my favorite authors ever. He's written several excellent fiction books including "Deadline", "Dominion", and my personal favorite, "Safely Home". In his fiction works, there is always at least one character who dies, but whose story is continued from their perspective in Heaven. Fascinating stuff. He's also written several non-fiction books, including "Heaven", which can only be described as a tome. It's extremely well-researched, very deep theologically, and extremely long. I started reading it when Hannah entered hospice care, and just couldn't get through it all. There's a much more manageable version called "Fifty Days of Heaven", which is basically the same book divided into fifty daily readings. Brad and I both read it in the days after Hannah's death, and he is currently re-reading it. There's also a version called "Heaven for Kids", which is fantastic for children who are seeking an understanding of Heaven. Bethany and her cousins read it after Hannah went to Heaven, and I think it was really helpful for them.

So back to "If God is Good". Before Hannah's illness, I was so very insulated from the pain in the world. One visit to the Hematology/Oncology clinic at Arkansas Children's Hospital ended that. During our year there, we met so many suffering children and families. And as I follow Jedidiah Harper's cancer journey (see "Harper House--Jedidiah's Testimony" in the column on the right), I am amazed that I don't know any of the people Jed's mom has met since they've been going there. That can only mean that many, many more families have started their own cancer journeys over the past year and four months...and many others' journeys have ended. If God is good...why do children get cancer?

A couple of weeks ago a sudden heavy rainstorm hit southwest Arkansas in the middle of the night, just a couple of counties over from where we live. It resulted in a flash flood which swept like lightning through a popular camping area, washing away twenty lives along with it. Many of those lost were children, and some families lost multiple members. It took several days for all the victims to be found, as their families waited in agony. If God is good...how could lives be torn apart in this way?

We were at the Gulf Coast a few weeks ago and visited with several people whose way of life is about to be dramatically changed by the oil spill. Their livelihood, their future, their very identities are intimately tied to what happens to in the Gulf. If God is good...how could He allow a disaster of this magnitude to continue unabated?

There are so many more examples. If God is good...how can He sit back while people in Haiti suffer; how can He allow young men and women to be killed in Iraq and Afghanistan; how can people suffer from incurable diseases like ALS and multiple sclerosis; how can terrorists strap on bombs and detonate them in crowded marketplaces?

I don't have the answers to these questions, but this is the topic that Randy Alcorn addresses in his book. And over my next several posts, I want to share with you what I'm learning as I've been reading his book. I'm no theologian--not by a long shot--but what he says rings true to me, and hopefully it will be of help to you as you face whatever your personal storm happens to be. Stay tuned...

Thoughts on Cancer, Death, and Heaven

What a morbid title this would be for a post...if not for that last word, right? It's that last word that makes the other two words bearable.

Yesterday afternoon I visited two ladies who are very close to Heaven. Both of them have been a part of the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry over the last year, and both of them have been encouragement to so many people, in spite of (or maybe because of) their illness. One of these ladies said to me yesterday, "You definitely chose the right name for the cancer ministry...If we didn't have hope, where would we be? That hope has really been my anchor." What a testimony from someone who is facing imminent death, unless God should choose to perform a miraculous healing in her life.

While I was visiting these two precious ladies, Brad was visiting a family in our community who had just lost a husband/father to glioblastoma, the same kind of cancer Hannah had. This man had lived almost two and a half years with this disease, practically an eternity in glioblastoma time. He had his initial brain surgery the same day that Hannah experienced her first symptoms, Valentine's Day of 2008. One of his daughters, a former classmate of Hannah's, once asked Hannah at school if she was scared about her cancer, and Hannah replied that no, she wasn't. Her mom told Brad that this simple statement from Hannah had really been an encouragement to her daughter as she watched her father battle the same cancer. This gentleman kept a picture of Hannah in his workshop, and now he has joined her in Heaven.

Last night was our Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry support group meeting, and we had a couple of new members there. One was a dear, sweet lady who shared how she was diagnosed with liver cancer and was told by her doctor that she was "terminal." She said that was fine with her...she'd just get to see Jesus sooner. As soon as she came home from the hospital after surgery, she began giving away all of her belongings...her car, her clothes, her furniture...figuring she wouldn't need them anymore. That was almost two years ago. She went on to share about how she witnesses to everyone around her at every doctor's appointment and every scan. One of the other members of the group remarked that apparently God had lots more people for her to witness to!

The other new lady who was there is a multiple-year breast cancer survivor, and made this statement, "Cancer is the 'best worst' thing that ever happened to me." She went on to explain how having cancer had completely changed her life, for the better. She also shared how her own mother had lived for 23 years following a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and a prognosis of three weeks to three months to live. Her one regret was that she was not with her mother when she died...she was on a mission trip and was unable to get home.

On the way home from our meeting, I thought about some regrets I have surrounding Hannah's death. I can honestly say (and I am so happy to be able to say) that I have no regrets about her life...we had a wonderful family life and have so many great memories of time spent together. There's nothing I would go back and change about the life we had together. There are some regrets I have about the last year of her life, though. I regret that for a long time we really didn't understand how very sick she was...that we made her go to school, even when she didn't feel well (although she was the one who insisted on going most of the time). I regret that we never had any deep conversations about what she was thinking and feeling as her health deteriorated. She was a very private person and never was one to share her feelings, and we were also very careful never to let her think that we had "given up" on her healing. By the time it became apparent that her healing could only come from a miracle, she was unable to have that conversation anymore. I regret that I didn't spend more time just lying in bed with her and holding her in those last days--even though she was 17 years old. In my head I know that she wouldn't have liked that, though...she liked her personal space, and didn't even like to be rocked as a baby. And I regret that she suffered unnecessary discomfort in her last 48 hours due to an oversight by the nursing staff at the hospice center.

But...these things that seem to be such a big deal to me are nothing...nothing!...to her. When I do find my mind drifting toward these things, I can almost hear her saying, "C'mon, Mom, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm great!" And she is. I recently downloaded a song by Mandisa (a former American Idol contestant...Hannah could tell you which season) called "You Wouldn't Cry". Take a look at the lyrics as you consider the awesomeness (is that a word?) of Heaven for a moment:

All you saw was pain

All you saw was rain

But you should see me now

Moments filled with tears

Lasted all those years

Disappeared somehow

You never said goodbye

On your knees you cry

You're still asking why, but

Blue has never been bluer

True has never been truer

Honey never tasted so sweet

There's a song in the breeze

A million voices in praise

A rose has never smelled redder

The sun has never been brighter

If I could find the right words to say

If you could look at my face

If you could just see this place

You wouldn't cry for me today

What you think you see

Isn't really me

I'm already home

You've got to lay it down

'Cause Jesus holds me now

And I am not alone

Your faith is wearing thin

But I am watching Him

And He's holding you, too

What may see like years will just be a moment

Oh, the day will come

When I'll show you where you're going

I can't wait to show you that

Blue has never been bluer

True has never been truer

Honey never tasted so sweet

There's a song in the breeze

A million voices in praise

A rose has never smelled redder

The sun has never been brighter

If I could find the right words to say

If you could look at my face

If you could just see this place

You wouldn't cry for me today.

We were really very blessed that we knew Hannah's death was approaching. Even though she couldn't talk back to us, we were able to tell her good-bye and how much we loved her. I can't imagine the pain for those who don't have the privilege to have those kind of last moments with their loved ones. All I do know is that in Heaven, God will make everything right again, and until then, He is holding us in His hands. He truly is our Anchor of Hope!

Stained glass window from Oyster Bay Baptist Church in Gulf Shores, Alabama, where we shared our testimony on June 6th

A Weekend of Reunions

We spent last weekend in southern Arkansas...El Dorado, to be exact...attending Brad's 25th high school reunion. Brad grew up there, and our family lived there for 4 1/2 years. El Dorado sometimes gets a bad rap, and it does have its share of problems (as does any city), but we enjoyed living there, and really have some great memories of our time there. The kids were the perfect ages at that time...between toddlerhood and tweenhood...and they have always considered El Dorado as the place "they grew up". (Even though they were only 12 and 9 when we left there!)

There are some really nice things about El Dorado (correctly pronounced "Elduhrayduh"...all one word!). My personal favorite is the Spudnuts! Ordinarily, I wouldn't give you a nickel for a plain glazed donut...add a little chocolate and a few sprinkles and we'll talk...but Spudnuts are like no other donut you've ever tasted. A hot Spudnut will absolutely melt in your mouth. So, of course, we had to get some while we were there. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that we got two dozen! Well, we had to have enough for Saturday morning and Sunday morning....

El Dorado is known as "Arkansas' Original Boom Town" because of its history of oil production. The town square is decorated with barrels, painted and shaped in all kinds of fun designs.

They even have working telephone booths! Here's Bethany pretending she's starring in the Matrix...

But, back to the reunions. We attended El Dorado Class of 1985 events on Friday night and a good part of the day and evening on Saturday. I was relegated to this status...

...which I didn't mind a bit! I know a lot of Brad's classmates since we lived there for so long, and it was nice getting caught up with them. Some of them I hadn't met, though, and it was interesting (and humbling) to see their faces light up with recognition as they said, "You're Hannah's Mom!" I was amazed at how many people had been praying for us...even from as far away as South Africa! The family of God is everywhere!

We had another reunion, of sorts, while we were in El Dorado. We had the opportunity to share our testimony at St. Paul United Methodist, the church Brad attended from birth until he went to college. Again, it was great to see some folks we had not seen for many years and it was humbling to talk to all the people who had prayed for us during our cancer journey. Several of Brad's former classmates attended the service as well, which made it even more special.

After church, we had another reunion...this time with three of Hannah's former classmates. These three girls were Hannah's best friends when we lived in El Dorado, and their friendship truly stood the test of time. These girls came to visit her when she was sick, and even came to see her at the hospice center, when she was barely even able to communicate with them anymore. I thought that was extremely brave of them...I don't think I could have done it. These three girls graduated from high school this year, and are all going off to different colleges, one in Arkansas, one in Tennessee, and one in Texas. I couldn't help but wonder if it would be the last time we would be with all three of these girls together. And I couldn't help but think about how much Hannah would have enjoyed visiting with them.

Our final "reunion" of the weekend was with our old house. As we always do when we're in El Dorado, we drove past all of our old stomping grounds and took some pictures. We took a couple pictures of our old house, drove around the block, and as we drove back past the house, we were waved down by the current homeowner. We obediently pulled over and opened the car window. The gentleman was actually quite angry and wanted to know why we were taking pictures of his house. We explained to him who we were, and were relieved when recognition dawned on his face. He then asked us if we wanted to come in and see the inside of the house. My initial reaction was to shake my head (I'm an avoider, remember?), but Brad and Bethany enthusiastically said, "Yes!" So we all piled out of the car and went into the house. And it was like stepping into a time warp...other than the furniture, nothing had changed. Paint colors, wallpaper, borders, the backyard...it was all the same. I even noticed a couple of thumbtacks I had used to hang up some of the girls' school papers in the sunroom...still there. It was like we had never left. As Bethany explained to the homeowners how she and Hannah used to talk to each other through the vents in their floors when we sent them to their rooms for misbehavior, I floated through the memories that still clung to everything in that house. By the time we left, I was having a hard time holding it together, and all three of us lost it when we got into the car.

Our comfort is found, though, in John 14: 2-3: "In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also." As much as we miss living in our earthly house with Hannah, we will be able to spend eternity in the Father's house with her! And it's going to be so much better than we can even imagine! Now that is a reunion I am looking forward to!

Vacation Ramblings...

On our way to the beach last week, we had the unique opportunity to be interviewed on a Gulf Shores talk radio station. The night before we left, we made all the arrangements...the talk show host would call my cell phone at 8:00 in the morning. Since we were leaving home at 5:00 a.m., we knew we'd have plenty of time to prepare on the way. Everything was going along fine until it was about time to get the call, and we realized that we had absolutely no cell phone service. At that particular time, we were traveling through the delta of Louisiana, and were going through the tiny community of Transylvania. Who knew there was even such a place as Transylvania, Louisiana?

We kept rolling down the highway, and as soon as we detected the tiniest bit of a signal, we pulled off the road and called in to the station. We finally were able to start the interview (it was about 8:15 by this time) and although we lost our signal a couple of times, we managed to get through it. Bethany and Kristin had been asleep in the back seat, and when the motion of the car stopped and they heard us talking loudly on the phone, they woke up. You know how teenage girls (and sometimes even adult women) can get the giggles for no apparent reason? As they looked out the windows, trying to figure out what was going on, they saw that we were sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere next to "Mom and Pop's Produce" and started getting tickled. And then, when they saw Mom and Pop, actually working in the garden beside the stand, they really set them off. I thought I was going to have to kick them out of the car for a few minutes, but they finally pulled it together! Even with all the bumps, this interview was really an exciting way to share God's goodness through Hannah's story.

We had another great oppportunity to share while we were there...at Oyster Bay Baptist Church in Gulf Shores. Brad's former baseball coach from OBU attends that church, and that is how this speaking opportunity came about. We came away feeling very blessed and encouraged after visiting with the staff and members there. They had been praying for us throughout Hannah's illness, so it felt like we already knew each other. It's pretty cool how the family of God is everywhere...no matter where you go!

It was also nice to get caught up with Coach Barrett. He and his wife taught our Sunday School class when we were college students, about five years after they lost their oldest son to neuroblastoma. We got an up-close look at a couple who had experienced a devastating loss and come out the other side. They were just the first of several couples God placed in our lives over the years...people who have lost children and not only survived, but thrived. We never suspected at that time what an impact their examples would have upon our lives as we faced a storm of our own.

The time on the beach was great too. It was a very interesting time to be on the gulf coast, with all the oil spill chaos going on. Idyllic scenes like this...

were intermingled with scenes like this....

It was really strange to see these guys with their heavy rubber boots and gloves walking around in the midst of all the people in bikinis and bare feet. We did run into a few of the infamous tar balls one day. We were coming in from a sand bar just off the regular beach (where we found 57 sand dollars, by the way) when we saw some of them floating in the water. I picked one up and squeezed it between my thumb and forefinger. When it smeared, I rubbed my hands together to try to get it off....and the more I rubbed, the "smearier" it got. I tried scraping it off in the wet sand to no avail. I finally had to go inside and scrub it off with soap. I'm sure there's a spiritual application here...something about how just a little "pinch" of sin can work its way deeper and deeper into your life...how we can't get it out by ourselves...how desperately we need cleansing...I'll let you complete the analogy!

We were so grateful for the opportunity to get away and have some time to recharge and relax together as a family. We arrived home last night, and are leaving again this afternoon...heading to El Dorado for Brad's 25th high school reunion. He has a very unique graduating class, in that they've stayed very close over the years. As a matter of fact, during Hannah's illness and after her death, his former class members surrounded us with love and support, even giving Hannah some very generous presents for her 17th birthday. We're looking forward to spending time this weekend getting caught up with some old friends, and having the opportunity to express our appreciation for all they've done for our family. We're also excited about sharing our testimony at St. Paul United Methodist Church on Sunday morning. This is the church where Brad grew up, and it will be a real blessing to be able to share with them. And...if you've followed my blog for any length of time...you also know I am excited about eating some hot Spudnuts tomorrow morning!!

Fifteen Years

Fifteen years ago today I received one of the greatest blessings of my life...my daughter, Bethany. I can't even begin to express the amount of joy she brings to our lives. She has an outgoing, fun-loving personality...pretty much the opposite of me, actually. She definitely got that from her dad, along with her athletic ability. She's had a difficult path to walk over the past couple of years...sometimes she feels very alone, because there's really no one in her life who truly understands what she's experienced. There are just not very many kids her age who have lost a sibling. She does have a good friend named Kristin, who was really there for her throughout Hannah's illness.

During the final ten days or so of Hannah's life, Kristin's mom brought her to Little Rock every evening (about an hour's drive each way) so Bethany could spend some time with her friend each day. What an amazing blessing that was! It was great for Bethany to be able to decompress with a friend during those extraordinarily difficult days.

Right now, we are enjoying some much-anticipated vacation time on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Kristin is spending the week with us, and we are really enjoying her company. We had some rainy, chilly weather for the first few days of our trip, but today dawned bright and beautiful...not a cloud in the sky. And not a tar ball on the beach, either, by the way. We've had lots of Coast Guard helicopters flying over, and we've seen some official-looking people on the beach, but so far, so good. It is so beautiful here...it will be a real tragedy if the oil does come in.

Tonight, we drove to Pensacola to eat at Outback Steakhouse to celebrate Bethany's birthday. We kind of hated to eat somewhere we could go in Hot Springs, but over the years, it's become sort of a family tradition to go to Outback on birthdays...so, of course, we had to go there. On the way, we stopped and got Bethany's birthday present...an iPhone! She was sooooo excited. Hope we can get her back out on the beach! (-: Enjoy the pics....

Compartments

When I was a little girl, my most prized possession was a tacklebox full of plastic farm animals. Yes, that's what I said...a tacklebox full of plastic farm animals. As a matter of fact, I loved this tacklebox so much I always kept it by my bedroom door so that if there was ever a fire in my house, I could grab it on my way out the door. (My mother is laughing as she reads this.) It was a big green tacklebox, and after you opened the lid, you could grab the top tray, lift it up, and suddenly you had three levels of little compartments. I thought that was quite a feat of engineering. And in those little compartments, I kept all my plastic farm animals. I had compartments for horses, compartments for pigs, compartments for cows, compartments for sheep, compartments for chickens...separated, of course, by mamas and babies, spotted cows and solid-color cows, brown horses and black horses, etc. And down in the bottom part of the tacklebox, I kept all my little plastic fence pieces. I would spend hours playing with those little animals, and then meticulously put each one back into its place. I don't remember how old I was when I finally stopped playing with my tacklebox of animals...but I've never lost my love of compartments. I love roll-top desks with all their little cubbyholes and drawers, and the Container Store is one of my favorite places to shop.

I like for everything in my life to be in its place. And up until February of 2008, my tacklebox was in perfect order. All the little pieces were exactly where I wanted them to be...in nice, neat compartments where they belonged. And then cancer came along, turned my tacklebox upside down, and shook everything out. And even now, 16 months later, I'm still picking the pieces up off the floor. Some days I feel like I'm making lots of progress...and some days I feel like the pieces keep slipping out of my hands. I'm so thankful that my Heavenly Father is with me to help me pick everything up and put it back where it is supposed to go. And I can tell that He's not putting all the pieces back in the same little compartments...and I think that's a good thing.

"And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new..." Revelation 21:5

Amazing Grace

Well, graduation is behind us. Friday could probably best be described as a very "heavy" day for us emotionally. All day, the weight of grief was just as present and palpable as it was right after Hannah's homegoing. Brad operated pretty much on autopilot all day while he oversaw the senior breakfast, graduation practice, the senior drive (all the seniors drive their vehicles around and around the school, honking and hollering) and finally, the actual graduation ceremony. He presented the Hannah Sullivan memorial scholarship while encouraging the students to remember what the lessons they learned from Hannah's life: loyal friendship, love for family, and trust in God. Then he called the names of each graduating senior and they came forward and received their diplomas. And somehow he managed to do it with a smile on his face, even as he went through the "S's" without calling Hannah's name. I was so proud of him. One of the teachers told me later that they felt that his ability to do all that was due to "amazing grace", and I couldn't agree more. God's grace can give us strength to do things we would never dream we could do apart from it. The last sixteen months have taught me that and so much more!

Then today we had the opportunity to share our testimony at a church in Arkadelphia. It's been awhile since we've shared, and it was so refreshing. Each time, it seems, the blessing (for us) is greater than the time before. We have several more opportunities coming up this summer, and are looking forward to each one. God has given us a story to share, and we want to make the most of every opportunity we have to do so!

Graduation Eve

On Monday night, we went to our school district's athletic awards banquet. I really thought this would be a "safe" event. Hannah was not involved in athletics, other than being the manager of the girls' basketball team. She was far more interested in academics than athletics. I figured this would be one May event that I could handle without too much trouble. We arrived, and walked up to the front of the room to the tables closest to the stage...the tables that are usually reserved for the faculty and administration. As we were about to find our seats, I saw that these tables were indeed reserved...there were signs on them that said, "Reserved for Parents of Seniors". It was like a physical blow. We immediately (and somewhat awkwardly) backed away from those tables, and went to find another place to sit. Not the best way to start the evening!

We finally settled in, only to watch the senior football players, the senior basketball players, the senior golf players, the senior track athletes, etc., etc. be called up to the stage. As the basketball manager, Hannah would have received a plaque and a monogrammed blanket, and I have a feeling she would have been recognized as an outstanding student athlete. We were very proud to see Bethany recognized as part of the all-district track team (she was not eligible for any other awards since she is still technically a junior high athlete), but we sure missed seeing Hannah walk across the stage.

So tomorrow night is graduation. It has finally arrived. As the high school principal, Brad has traditionally been the person who calls out the students' names as they receive their diplomas. As of today, he still hasn't decided whether or not he'll actually be able to do it this year. He really wants to...He has a real attachment to many of the students in this class, and would very much like to do them the honor of calling out their names. But when he gets to the "S's"...I just don't know. I know I couldn't do it...There's no way I would even try! I'm honestly not sure if I'm even going to be able to stay in the audience. Calling our daughters' names and presenting them with their diplomas is something he has always looked forward to doing. It's going to be a really tough night for him...probably one of the toughest since her death.

We will have the privilege of presenting the Hannah Joy Sullivan memorial scholarship to one of these students tomorrow night. We do not choose the recipient...he or she is chosen by a scholarship committee. It would be impossible for us to do, especially considering that these are Hannah's classmates. We do know who was chosen, though, and we are very pleased. That presentation will be the highlight of the evening for us.

Lately I've seen lots of comments on Facebook from parents whose kids are graduating from high school...or junior high or preschool...and many of them talk about how sad they are to see their kids growing up. And in the fall, there will be comments from people who cry as their kids start kindergarten or middle school or college. Please, please don't waste precious time being sad about your kids growing up. Rejoice with your kids as they reach these milestones in their lives. Make a conscious decision to enjoy every minute you have with them. Every age and every stage is a blessing and a gift from God. Experience each moment in its fullness and in gratefulness to God.

This song by Chris Rice (from the album "What a Heart is Beating For") kind of sums up my feelings today. Hannah may not be able to participate in her earthly graduation, she can still take a bow...

Baby Take Your Bow

We're gonna miss your song and dance

The way you made us laugh

And we're so glad we had the pleasure for a while

But on the other side you'll find a better audience

Just be yourself and you can't help but make the angels smile.

Baby, all the world's a stage

Playwright pens your final page

And then He brings your curtain down

So blow us your kisses and drench our eyes

We'll rise to our feet to wave goodbye for now

So baby, take your bow.

The world is lovlier because you had your moment here

And we could see a friend of Heaven in your face

And in your song we heard the longing for a distant shore

And now your time has come to go, and so be on your way.

Your show is over now

It's time to lay your burdens down

So baby, take a bow.

Relay for Life 2010

We had a great experience at our first ever Relay for Life on Friday night. The Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry at our church had a team, and it was quite an amazing experience to see some of our folks who are cancer survivors walk (and ride) in the survivor lap. The luminaries were also incredible to see...and, of course, there was one there for Hannah. We purchased a "photo luminary", which meant that her picture was on the bag and was also included in a slide show as part of the luminary ceremony. As the three of us stood there together looking at her bag and watching the slideshow, the overwhelming feeling we all had was: "We shouldn't be here." It just didn't seem right that we were standing there on the track, in view of the church where Hannah's funeral was held, seeing her picture in an "In Memory" slideshow. It just couldn't be.

But there we were, and it was where we needed to be. And really, we should have been there before now. Until cancer came to our home, we frankly were not that concerned about it. Cancer is an incredibly cruel disease. If Hannah had any vanity (and she did), it was in two areas...her sharp intellect and her thick, curly hair. Cancer stole both of them from her.

I really don't know if there will ever be a cure for cancer. We live in a fallen world; a world corrupted by sin and evil. I pray that it will be cured someday, but I'm just not sure if that is part of God's plan this side of Heaven. Cancer is one of those things that makes Heaven sweeter. But I do know that because of the efforts of the American Cancer Society (who gets the money raised from Relay for Life) and other organizations, there are many more survivors than there used to be. And I am so thankful for the improvements that have been made in cancer treatments over the years. As difficult as the treatments are today, they are not nearly as grueling as what patients went through even a decade ago. I am grateful for all those who traveled this path before us, leading to advances in radiation and chemotherapy which certainly extended Hannah's life.

I believe that Relay for Life will become an annual family tradition for us...but we will always remember this first one as something special!

Sisters & Daughters

When I was pregnant with Bethany, I had a conversation with my mom that has always stuck in my memory. I was telling her how I was hoping this baby would be a boy, since I already had a girl, and I had always wanted at least a boy and a girl. Of course, I included the requisite, "But of course, as long as the baby's healthy, it doesn't really matter if it's a boy or a girl"...but I really was hoping for a boy. And my mother said, "Everybody always thinks they want a boy and a girl, but really, for the kids, it's nicer if they're both girls or both boys." Well, I thought about that a little bit, and realized that she was right. I have two brothers...no sisters...and always felt like I missed out on something not having a sister (No offense, TJ and Steve)! My mother has such a great relationship with her sisters, and my dad's sisters are very close. And so, right then and there, I decided I wanted my second baby to be a girl...as if my wishing would make any difference!

When an ultrasound confirmed that my baby was indeed a girl, I was thrilled. I thought about how much fun it would be to call them "the girls", to dress them in matching outfits, to fix their hair...all those fun things. And it was wonderful. I loved having two girls...and I couldn't have asked for closer sisters. Bethany misses her sister terribly, but I'm so thankful for the time they had together.

And now, today, I'm so thankful that I have a daughter. On Monday of this week, we took a mother/daughter day. Bethany had a free day out of school coming to her...a reward for scoring well on the Benchmark last year...and she took it on Monday, which also happens to be my day off. She slept in (what good is a day out of school without sleeping in?) and then we went out for a yummy Mexican lunch in Hot Springs. After lunch, we went to a spa and had a massage...my Mother's Day present! I think the mother/daughter massage thing is going to have to become a Mother's Day tradition...it was soooo nice. We spent the rest of the afternoon shopping together.

One thing that really makes me sad about Hannah not being here is that we were just on the verge of a changing relationship...from mother/daughter to friend/friend. She would be 18 now, and about to graduate from high school. Of course, we would always be mother and daughter, but as she grew closer to adulthood, I believe our relationship would have evolved into an awesome friendship as well. Bethany and I are still in the mother/daughter stage, as evidenced by our time in the fitting room the other day. We still have the discussions about the shortness of her shorts and the appropriateness of her swimwear. But I look forward to the day when we will be friends, in addition to being mother and daughter. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have as my best friend!

. . . . .

I find myself at a loss for words tonight.

We run at such a frenzied pace all week long...especially at this time of year. The life of a high school principal in a small town in spring consists of softball games, baseball games, track meets, choir concerts, band concerts, academic awards banquets, FFA banquets, athletic banquets, school plays, booster club meetings, school board meetings, etc., etc. We find ourselves having to "stuff" our emotions a lot...just because we're always getting ready for the next event. Who has time for an emotional breakdown when you've got a banquet to go to? And who wants to be seen at a banquet with red eyes and a puffy face? Especially when it's a banquet where your daughter quite possibly would have been honored as the valedictorian of her class...people might think you're "not doing good". So you choke down the tears, clench your jaw, put on your brave face, and soldier on. The next day there is something else to push through, and the next day, and the next. Finally you come to an evening like tonight. An evening with nowhere to go, and nothing to "be". You can only keep that emotion down for so long, and then it has to come out. And it's refreshing. Not right away...I have to sleep it off overnight when I have an evening like this...but I have learned from experience that tomorrow will be a better day.

Adding to my funk tonight is the news that one of our dear friends in the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry will be starting hospice care next week. I've shared a little bit about her before...we met her a few months after Hannah was diagnosed, just as she was beginning her battle with ovarian cancer. She and her husband had moved to Arkansas from Indiana and built a pretty little log cabin in the woods...their dream retirement home. It was not too long after that when cancer struck. She is a precious lady, who has inspired many of us with her positive attitude and trust in God, in spite of her declining health over the past several months. She has been fully aware of her prognosis, and has chosen to live her life filled with the joy of the Lord. While my heart aches for her family (and for myself...I will miss her), I am happy that her long, difficult battle appears to be drawing to a close. She will be welcomed into Heaven with a hearty, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!" What could be sweeter than that?

A Cancer Prayer

I have never posted twice in one day...much less twice in one evening. But I read this poem tonight on Jake Love's CaringBridge site and had to share it. I can relate to every single line of it. Jake is a little guy from Conway who has been battling brain cancer, and they just found out today that his cancer has spread to his spine. I've not met this family, but have been following their story for awhile...Please lift Jake and his family up in your prayers, and check out his website at www.caringbridge.org/visit/jakelove.


A Cancer Prayer
by Stephen R. Chance

Dear God, we have prayed often for you to rid our child's body of cancer and never let it come back. We have prayed often for you to spare his body the harsh effects of the treatments he must endure. We have prayed for mercy and strength. But we have not yet prayed for the things about cancer we would like to keep.

Please let us keep the love that has been laid bare and that binds our family, our friends, and our community.

Please let us keep our preference to be together.

Please let us keep our appreciation for simple pleasures.

Please let us keep our ability to not sweat the small stuff.

Please let us keep our tolerance for each other's mistakes.

Please let us keep our focus on each other's needs.

Please let us keep our patient smiles responsive to normal childhood conflicts rather than the irritation that could so easily ensue.

Please let us keep our tendency to treat others tenderly knowing that we don't know all the heartbreaks they have felt.

Please let us keep the ease with which new acquaintances become good friends.

Please let us keep our enhanced appreciation for nature.

Please let us keep our motivation to live vigorously now rather than planning to live later.

Please let us keep our calling to help others fight cancer with better weapons and smarter generals.

Please let us keep our need to reciprocate the wonderfully kind favors we have received.

Please let us keep the strength to press on when faced with other illnesses, deaths, and human tragedies.

Please let us keep You at the center of our lives during good times, too.

Amen.

Mother's Day Reflections

What a difference a year can make. Last Mother's Day was difficult...actually torturous...for me. We spent the day last year in Mountain Home, visiting my parents, and watching my two precious nieces, Julia and Katie, be dedicated in church. It was all very nice, and we enjoyed spending time with them, but the constant reverberation of "Happy Mother's Day" in the air was extraordinarily painful. As much as I tried, I just couldn't find anything "happy" about that day. I felt so incomplete without Hannah beside me. The church service felt interminably long, and dinner at the restaurant afterward was excruciating. It was during that dinner that my brother told me about finding Hannah's post on Facebook (written about a month before her diagnosis): "This world has nothing for me...I will live for Him." That pretty much did me in completely. I couldn't wait to get in the car headed back home and finally release all of those pent-up emotions.

Today, my overwhelming emotion has been gratitude. Gratitude for my wonderful husband, who is always so supportive and loving, no matter what kind of day I'm having. Gratitude for my precious daughter, Bethany, who gives the best hugs in the world, and is never embarrassed to tell me she loves me. Gratitude for the 17 1/2 years I had with Hannah, and the wonderful memories of the time we had together. Gratitude for my godly mother and mother-in-law, and the legacy of godly mothers before them. My heart has been at peace today, and I've welcomed the "Happy Mother's Day" greetings. It's been a difficult day for many friends, though...I know several moms who are going through their first Mother's Day without one of their children (one who lost her only child), and several friends who are going through their first Mother's Day without their moms. I have one friend who is going through her first Mother's Day without her husband. And I really feel for them, because it is so, so hard. But I guess my message today is that, over time, it does get better. There is hope and comfort in the Lord.

"Sing for joy, Oh heavens, and exult, Oh earth; break forth, Oh mountains, into singing! For the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion on his afflicted." Isaiah 49:13

Tears

I think I've mentioned before how much I hate to cry in front of people. Well, nobody does...I realize that...but I almost have a phobia about it. It would be one thing if I could cry like my husband or my friend Susan...basically just silent, free-flowing tears...but that's not how it works for me. The first thing that happens to me, before the tears even start, is that my voice chokes completely off, rendering me speechless. Then I basically stop breathing, my face contorts into a grimace, and finally the tears start. When I realize that I'm running out of air, I try to inhale quietly, but it usually comes out as a strangled sob. So I end up holding my breath again, to try to prevent that, and it turns into a vicious cycle. It can be rather ugly. So, all my life, I have tried to avoid emotion-provoking situations.

Well, that's been impossible to do over the past 2+ years since Hannah was diagnosed with cancer. I still try to avoid potentially emotional situations when I can, but since basically anything can turn into an emotional situation these days, I can't avoid them all! While Hannah was sick, I became pretty much an expert at "steeling" myself. During our numerous hospital stays, when we were together in a very small room 24 hours a day, I had to be able to hold myself together. On all those drives back and forth to Little Rock, Brad and I had to contain our emotion. She always watched our reactions very closely, and if we handled things calmly and peacefully, she did too. If our emotions did escape in front of her, she would tell us, "Mom, Dad...don't cry...I'm going to be fine." And today, she is fine...much better than fine, actually! But, we are still left to grapple with our emotions.

The next three weeks are going to be filled with situations I would much prefer to avoid. This Sunday is Mother's Day...the second since my oldest daughter went to Heaven. This marks the first major holiday that we've had a "second" of. Hard to believe that much time has passed. Monday night is the Magnet Cove academic awards banquet. This banquet was always the highlight of Hannah's school year. She took great pride in her academic achievements...possibly too much! I really think she would have been more excited about this banquet than she would have been about prom...that's just the way she was. I skipped this event last year, and was planning to skip it again this year (avoidance, you know) but Bethany has received an invitation, meaning she is going to get some sort of award. So, I'm going...I am planning to take my own vehicle, though, in case I need to make a hasty exit!

Next Sunday is Senior Recognition Day at church, where all the graduates wear their regalia and come up to the front during the service. There's a slideshow with pictures of each graduate as they were growing up, and they tell about their plans for the future. We've been asked to submit some pictures of Hannah, so she will be recognized in some way during the service. Definitely an emotion-provoking situation.

The next weekend is Relay for Life, which I'm sure will be an emotional time. I am actually looking forward to it, though, because it's going to be a great opportunity to get word out around our community about the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry. I'm not so sure about staying up all night...but I think I can do it!

The following weekend, May 28th, is our high school graduation. That's going to be the toughest event of all. I actually don't want to avoid it completely...I just wish I could watch it in my own private press box. Brad is the high school principal, and he traditionally calls out the names of the graduating seniors. I'm just not sure if he's going to be able to do that this year. There's been some talk among the students about having an empty chair with a rose on it where Hannah would be sitting. Hannah's goal was to be valedictorian of her class, and she probably would have achieved it had she not gotten sick. It will be tough to listen to the student speeches that night, knowing how much she wanted to be one of those speakers. I'm going to get lots of practice trying not to cry that night!

But here's the thing....as important as all these things were to her when she was here, and as important as they seem to be to us now....they are nothing....nothing in light of eternity. Even though I am sad that Hannah is not here to be a part of all of this, I know that she is where she was created to be...in the presence of her Lord and Savior. And the Bible tells us that our tears will be redeemed: "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy. He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him" (Psalm 126:5-6). So, as I choke my way through those tears this month, I choose to rest in that promise of joy!

Quite Possibly the Longest Post Ever...

So...there's your fair warning. This could potentially be a very long post, because it's been a very long week. I've gotten myself comfortable on the couch with my feet up on the coffee table, and my laptop on my lap. Actually, it's not my laptop...it's Hannah's. It was a gift for her 17th birthday from all of her aunts, uncles, and grandparents. And what a wonderful gift it was...she was able to use it when she didn't feel well enough to sit at the desktop computer, I used it to send the hundreds of emails I sent when she was in treatment, and I use it now to write my blog posts (and check my Facebook, skype with brother in Indonesia, and a great number of other things). Everytime I open it up, her name appears on the opening screen, and that makes me smile. But I digress...

The week began last Sunday with a prophecy conference at our church. The speaker was Jimmy DeYoung of the Day of Discovery program, and he was very interesting and informative. He preached the Sunday morning service, and then two hours each on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights. We attended every service. He believes that church will be raptured, the tribulation will take place over the next seven years, Christ will return, He will reign for 1000 years, then the existing heaven and earth will be destroyed and replaced with the new heaven and the new earth. He says that every prophecy leading up to the rapture has been fulfilled, and that the rapture could take place at any moment. Now, I am no theologian, and I know there are many schools of thought on this subject. There are the pre-, the post-, and the a-millenialists. I have always considered myself a "pan-millenialist"...I think it'll all pan out in the end. I have never been all that concerned about the end times, because I know that God is in control. No matter what I think about it, what's going to happen is going to happen according to His perfect timetable. But there are two things I came away with from this prophecy conference.

1. Time for a bit of honesty...Over the years, I've heard many end-times type sermons where the speaker says that the rapture could happen anytime. And I would listen, and I knew that the "Sunday School" response was, "Yes...Come Lord Jesus!", but deep down I would think, "I hope it's not too soon. After all, I want to graduate from high school/finish college/get married/have kids/see my kids grow up/have grandkids, etc." But not this time. My attachment to life here has gotten sooo much looser, and I would welcome the rapture at absolutely any moment...I can now say with enthusiasm, "Come, Lord Jesus!"

2. If our time on earth is indeed short (and it is, even if the rapture doesn't happen for another 1,000 years!), then we need to be about God's business. Brad and I are feeling a greater and greater urgency to share the testimony God has given us over the past two years. We feel that He has given us a story to tell through Hannah's storm, and we want to be faithful to do that. Up until now, we have not actively pursued opportunities to speak...we have just accepted the opportunities that have been offered to us. We are prayerfully considering now how we might begin to be more proactive in that area. Our pastor told us that when we reach the point where we feel we are wasting time on Sundays when we're not sharing at a church, that's a sign that we need to be seeking opportunities. We are rapidly reaching that point. Please pray with us as we seek guidance in this area.

So that was Sunday through Tuesday of this week (I told you this was going to be a long post)! On Wednesday night, we were blessed with the opportunity to share our testimony with the youth of Glen Rose Missionary Baptist Church, about 20 minutes from our home. It was a great evening, and although I left early to attend my friend's husband's visitation, Brad and Bethany were able to stay and visit with several of the young people and the pastor's family there.

Thursday was the state track meet for 3A high schools. Bethany had qualified for state high jump competition by placing second in the district meet. This was a big accomplishment, as she is just a freshman. We worked most of the day, then headed to Prescott to watch the competition. Most of the other jumpers were juniors and seniors, so we were very proud of Bethany when she placed fifth by jumping 4'10". Only two girls cleared 5'0" (the winning jump was 5'4"), but Bethany had several "misses", which dropped her to fifth. I wish I could claim the picture below, but it was taken by someone on our school yearbook staff...and wasn't actually taken at the state track meet...I just wanted to add a little visual aid to this part of the post. My feeble attempts to photograph Bethany jumping have been complete failures, so I've given up!

After watching the high jump competition, we drove up to Brad's brother's house in Arkadelphia, where we hurriedly changed clothes before heading to Ouachita Baptist University. Thursday night was OBU's academic awards banquet, and we were on the program to present the Hannah Sullivan memorial scholarship. This was potentially a highly emotional and difficult event for us, knowing that Hannah would have been enrolling as a freshman at OBU this fall. We were met there by a young lady named Keisha from the development office, who served as our companion for the evening. She is a cancer survivor who was diagnosed just a month after Hannah. I had a wonderful time visiting with her (you can read more about her story at www.bigpittstop.blogspot.com if you like). It's interesting how quickly you can bond with someone who has experienced a cancer journey similar to yours. And then, as we entered the serving line, we were introduced to the recipient of Hannah's scholarship, and the evening continued to brighten up. We don't have anything to do with the recipient selection process, and until that moment we didn't know who had been selected. But as we met Brandi Hughes and her husband Matt, we were amazed by their story, and I'm going to share a little bit of it (with their permission).

They are from Malvern, our neighboring town, and Brandi is a student at OBU, planning to be a science teacher. While she's been going to school, Matt has been working on an oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico...yes, that oil platform...the one that exploded a couple of weeks ago and is now producing the huge oil slick. He told us a harrowing tale of explosions and flames and falling 90 feet from the platform into the ocean. He sustained some rather severe injuries in the fall, and is currently wheelchair bound, although a full recovery is expected. He freely spoke of his faith and how God was with him on that hellish night. Just another example of how fragile life is, and how everything can change in a single moment. We felt so privileged to be able to give a scholarship in Hannah's memory to this couple.

And that brings us to last night, when I laid on this very couch, watched a dvr'd episode of Monk and read my book. My idea of a perfect evening after a week full of activities, but also full of blessings.

So maybe this wasn't my longest post ever...but I think it's close!

A Couple of Prayer Requests & An Update

A few weeks ago I shared the story of Molly McKim, a young lady who suffers from Wilson's Disease. She's been in need of a liver transplant and has had three "false alarms" in recent months...twice where she's actually completed the pre-op procedures and the liver was determined not to be healthy enough for transplant. Well, at 12:45 this afternoon, she went into surgery to be transplanted with a healthy liver! Her mom updated about 2:45, saying that "all was going well" in surgery, but that's the last I've heard. Please keep Molly and her family in your prayers tonight, and check out www.caringbridge.org/visit/mollymckim for the latest updates (or click on the link in the right hand column below). Her story was recently featured in a northwest Arkansas newspaper, and her mom said this at the end of the article: "Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do, but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." I really like that quote...the only thing I would add is that true strength only comes from God.

I've also been saddened to hear yesterday of the sudden death of a friend's husband. He was only 41 years old and had a heart attack. My friend's name is Jennifer, and she has two young children. If you would, please keep Jennifer and her family in your prayers as well. I hope to be able to attend the visitation and/or funeral later this week.

Bethany is doing fine and her appointment went well on Friday. We will be addressing her problem with medication and will return in three months for follow-up. Thank you for your prayers for her. She is looking forward to Thursday, when she will be competing in the state track meet (as a freshman!) in the high jump. I don't know how she manages to get those long legs over that bar, but she does!

On Thursday evening, we will have the great honor of presenting the Hannah Joy Sullivan Memorial Scholarship to a student at Ouachita Baptist University (our alma mater). We don't choose the student ourselves, but we have specified that the scholarship go to a junior or senior who is majoring in either education or medicine. It will be bittersweet, knowing that Hannah would be starting as a freshman at OBU this fall, but we are looking forward to it. The scholarship was made possible by the gifts of many generous people during and following Hannah's illness. We truly feel humbled that we are able to honor her memory in this way.

I know this post has sort of wandered all over the place tonight. Sorry about that. I actually have several things on my mind I want to share, but they haven't quite "gelled" yet. And it's getting late...my bed is calling...so I will save those thoughts for another day. Good night!

Joy Stealers

A few weeks ago I started a series of posts about the topic of joy. Well, it was sort of a series...I've interrupted myself a few times to post about other things. Those posts actually came from a presentation I did for the ladies ministry at Hot Springs Baptist Church back in February. And many of the ideas for that presentation originated with Nancy Guthrie's books. I've mentioned Nancy in several of my previous posts, because I just love her books and have found them to be so helpful as we've traveled our journey. She and her husband have started holding "Respite Retreats" in the Nashville area, where they live. These are weekend retreats for 11 couples at a time, all of whom have lost a child. We have signed up to attend one over Labor Day weekend. We are really looking forward to it...we have found that talking to other people have lost children is one of the most healing things we can do.

But, back to the "joy" topic. I want to share a little more of what I shared with those ladies in February. If you read my last post, you know that even though I have a deep-down joy, I still struggle. And that's because there are several things that can steal my joy if I let them. One of those is anxiety or worry.

I so clearly remember the intense anxiety I felt in the days before Hannah's brain tumor was found. She was having some very strange symptoms..severe headaches and nausea and vomiting in the mornings...but was fine by the evening each day. I remember standing in the pharmacy section at Wal-Mart, seraching through the migraine medications, trying to find something that would ease Hannah's headaches...and being filled with dread and worry that we were not just dealing with migraines. I remember the anxiety I felt as Hannah lay in the MRI machine for the very first time, and the choking feeling in my heart as the doctor showed Hannah and me the picture of the tumor invading her brain.

But I also remember the release of that anxiety and worry as we prayed together as a family that night, placing Hannah's future in God's hands. That anxiety resurfaced many times over the next year, with each MRI and every meeting with the doctors. There were always so many unknowns...and what we did know wasn't good. I finally had to determine, though God's strength, to live by Matthew 6:34: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Our time with Hannah was too precious to spend it worrying about what the next day held.

Anxiety and worry don't solve any of our problems...they simply strangle the joy out of our lives. Jesus offers to carrying our anxiety and worry for us...we just have to be willing to let him. Sometimes we seem to get a strange sort of satisfaction from worrying about things...or maybe that's just me. But Paul tells us in Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." And I have found this to be true.

Am I saying that I never have to deal with anxiety or worry? Ummm...no. This very day I find myself battling anxiety and worry. This afternoon I am taking Bethany to the doctor for a health concern...something that is apparently fairly common among teenage girls...but after the past two years, any type of problem is a little disconcerting. So yes, the anxiety and worry are there, but I will not let them steal my joy. If God is good all the time (and I believe He is) and if He is in control (and I believe He is), then what do I have to worry about?

One more thing--Former President George W. Bush was in El Dorado, Arkansas, yesterday speaking to the 2010 graduating class, and he closed his speech with the words "God is good all the time." How cool is that? Those of you who followed Hannah's story through our emails know the significance of those words to us!

Struggles...

You know, when I post about joy and miracles, I never want to give the impression that I've got this grief thing all figured out. I do have joy...that deep down, rugged kind of joy I've spoken of, and I do believe that God's will was fulfilled in the very brevity of Hannah's life. But that doesn't mean that I don't struggle daily with the pain of losing my oldest daughter. There are reminders of her absence everywhere and in everything I do. Her bedroom remains the same as I described it in a post several months ago. Her room is at the end of our long hallway, and so I rarely go back there...there's no need. I don't need to make sure she's up in the mornings, there are no clean clothes to bring to her room, and no "tucking in" is necessary. I would like to at least start keeping her bedroom door open, just so it wouldn't be so closed-up and dark back there, but if I do, our dog likes to go hang out under her bed and chew on things she's not supposed to chew on. So her room remains dark and secluded. Her clothes are still hanging in the closet (other than a few items that Bethany took over), her diary is still on the shelf, and her Bible is still beside her bed. Her letter jacket, with "Hannah Joy" on the back and "Class of 2010" on the sleeve, is hanging on her bedpost.

I made the mistake of going into our local party store the other day, on a quest to get balloons to mark the finish line of a 5K race that I was helping with. The store was full of "Class of 2010" graduation party supplies...plates, napkins, hats, blowers, balloons, yard signs...you name it, they had it. I just ducked my head, set my jaw, got my errand done, and got out of there! And it's not just me facing these struggles...

Bethany came home from school yesterday and began crying as she told me about an assembly she had attended. It was about the dangers of drinking and driving, and the speaker asked the students to raise their hands if they had a brother or a sister. She said she felt like everyone in the room raised their hands but her, and she didn't know if she should raise her hand or not. Then the speaker asked them to raise their hands if they ever fought with their brother or sister. I know it sounds unbelievable...but Bethany and Hannah really didn't fight. Oh, they picked at each other...mostly just making each other laugh...but they didn't really fight like so many siblings do. Then the speaker asked them how they would feel if they lost their brother or sister. Well, that part just about did her in...I can only imagine how difficult this situation was for her. And last night, as I often do, I held her as she sobbed...she was just missing having her sister to talk to about school, boys, friends...all that kind of stuff that sisters share. I wish I could make it all better for her, but I can't.

Brad is the principal at the school that Hannah attended (and that Bethany does attend), so he has to deal every day with her absence at school. She would often give him a hug between classes, and he would always visit with her at lunch. It's difficult every day for him to walk into that building knowing that she will not be there. I wish I could fix that for him, but I can't. And next Friday is prom...something she would have really been looking forward to. As the high school principal, he should be at the prom, but thankfully, our assistant superintendent has offered to take his place this year. We're going to go to a family reunion next weekend instead, and just kind of get away from the whole thing.

So we struggle. Even though God has given us a tangible peace, and a remarkable understanding of His work through Hannah's life and death...we struggle daily. It's not easy, and it hurts. As I consider these daily struggles, I'm reminded of what Paul says in II Corinthians 12:9-10 after pleading with God to remove his thorn in the flesh, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Delight? Nope...I haven't made it to delight yet...but I am glad I don't have to depend on my own strength to get me through!

Miracles

I am an avid reader of World magazine, which is basically like Time or Newsweek, but written with a Christian worldview. It is primarily a newsmagazine, but contains some op-ed type pieces as well. This morning, I read an article titled "Age of Miracles" by Janie B. Cheaney. Ms. Cheaney began the article by stating that "though skeptics characterize the Bible as a collection of fairy tales, miraculous events are not that common" and "He can prove that He's the one true God as easily as a man swats a mosquito. Why doesn't He?" She states that the answer to that question may have more to do with who we are than who He is. She points out that the reports of the parting of the Red Sea frightened the residents of Jericho, but only Rahab and her family changed their allegiance because of it. Even when fire fell from heaven and devoured Elijah's altar, the Israelites' zeal didn't last (I Kings 18-19). Cheaney states that the Israelites shouting, "'The Lord, He is God! The Lord, He is God!' had as much staying power as shouting 'USA! USA!' at victorious Olympic events: a feel-good moment that may glow for a week or a month, but won't change a life." She points out that the manner of Christ's conception was known to only two people; His birth to perhaps a dozen; His healing miracles were often performed one-on-one, and often a warning was given to keep it quiet. Even for large miracles like the feeding of the 5,000, probably only a small fraction of those present knew for sure what was happening. The author's overall conclusion was that while the miracles recorded in the Bible meant a great deal to those directly involved, they generally didn't have life-changing effects on many others. Then I went to Sunday School this morning, and would you believe...our Sunday School teacher talked about the fact that in general, miracles don't draw people toward salvation.

It seems like so many times since Hannah's death, I've heard about people who have been miraculously healed of cancer. A tumor has been found, an ominous prognosis has been given, and when the person returns to the doctor for treatment, the cancer is inexplicably gone. And while I'm truly happy for those people and rejoice with them that they don't have to go through radiation and chemotherapy, as I walk away I can't help feeling a little dig of "Why didn't that happen for Hannah?" We and so many others were praying for that kind of healing for her, but it did not happen. During Hannah's illness, so many people made comments like, "What a testimony she will have someday when she is healed." Or, "Maybe God will do a miracle and just think how much glory He will receive through Hannah's life." Well, today I've been wondering...what if Hannah had been miraculously healed, like we so earnestly desired? Would her life have had the same far-reaching effects it has had? Would lives have been changed and people saved? Or would people have just gotten a warm, fuzzy feeling about God, which would soon be forgotten?

I don't know the answer to these questions, and won't know the answers this side of Heaven. But I've got some new things to think about...and I know that in God's sovereignty, His purpose has been fulfilled for Hannah's life. And while we didn't get the miraculous healing we prayed for here on earth, we know she is eternally healed in Heaven. And when it comes down to it, what could be more miraculous than that?

A Paradox

You know, the Christian life is really a paradox....and so is the thought of having joy when your heart is breaking. I love this quote from A. W. Tozer: "A real Christian is an odd number anyway. He feels supreme love for One whom he has never seen, talks familiarly every day to Someone he cannot see, expects to go to Heaven on the virtue of Another, empties himself in order to be full, admits he is wrong so he can be declared right, goes down in order to get up, is strongest when he is weakest, richest when he is poorest, and happiest when he feels worst. He dies so he can live, forsakes in order to have, gives away so he can keep, sees the invisible, hears the inaudible, and knows that which passeth knowledge."

Experiencing sorrow does not need to eliminate joy. In fact, I've come to believe that experiencing deep sorrow only broadens our capacity for true joy. For me personally, experiencing deep sorrow has expanded my ability to feel everything deeply. I have felt sadder than I have ever thought possible, sadder than I have ever thought I would be able to survive, but that has prepared me to experience a more satisfying and solid joy than ever before...a durable, "rugged joy", formed through suffering. It is not a joy produced by pleasant circumstances...it is a joy that can only be given by the Holy Spirit in the middle of difficult circumstances.

We have a large dogwood tree in our yard, just off the corner of our deck. In all the springs we've lived in this house, it has bloomed beautifully...covered with gorgeous white blossoms...until last spring. Last spring, that tree hardly bloomed at all. It was the strangest thing...there were only two or three blossoms on the entire tree. It leafed out as usual and seemed healthy all summer...it just seemed to skip straight from buds to leaves. It was almost as if that tree was grieving Hannah's passing right along with us. I clearly remember thinking that last year. This spring...well, I took a picture of it today. See for yourself.

What a beautiful picture of renewal! And what a perfect illustration of Psalm 30:5, "Weeping may go on for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Is our weeping over? No...not by a long shot. But there is joy in the morning...Praise God!

I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy....

OK...back to the topic I started a few posts ago...Joy. Romans 12:12 says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Sounds like one of those "command" sentences I remember learning about in elementary English class. And remember the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, etc.? Joy is second only to love. Joy comes easy when things are going well for us...but what about when we are going through a time of suffering or heartbreak? And what exactly is joy? Does that mean we are happy all the time?

How many of you sang this song in Sunday School growing up: "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart! WHERE? Down in my heart! WHERE? Down in my heart...". You remember it, don't you? I remember we always yelled "WHERE?" as loud as we could. That song had several verses: "I've got the love of Jesus, love of Jesus, down in my heart", "I've got the wonderful love of my blessed Redeemer way down in the depths of my heart", and even "And if the Devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack!" Maybe we only sang that last one in my Sunday School, I don't know. Anyway, that song had a bridge...a part that we sang in between those verses...that went like this: "And I'm so happy, so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart. And I'm so happy, so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart."

You know, right now, I could sing the "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy" part with sincerity. But, that bridge, the "I'm so happy" part...well, to be honest, I don't always feel happy. As a matter of fact, I'm often very, very sad. My heart has been broken. There are times that I miss my daughter so much I find it hard to sit upright. But even in those moments, there is a deep down joy. In 2 Corinthians 6:10, Paul says, "Our hearts ache, but we always have joy." It could not be better said. This kind of joy, the kind that doesn't depend on circumstances, can only come from God. We can't manufacture it...we can't just decide we're going to be joyful. But, we can rejoice in the Lord at all times, in any circumstance, because He is who He says He is.

Hebrews 12:2 says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." As we approach this Easter season, I am so grateful that He endured that cross for me, for Brad, for Bethany, for Hannah, and for you...and that we can share in that joy!

Prayer Request Update

I just wanted to give a quick update on Molly McKim this morning. After traveling all the way to Little Rock and getting partially through pre-op procedures, it was determined that the liver was not healthy enough for transplant. So, for the third time, Molly and her family had to travel home with great disappointment. Please continue to lift them up in your prayers...that God will give them strength for each day and fill them with peace as they await the perfect liver for Molly. Thank you for your prayers...I know from personal experience how much they mean to a hurting family!