Ten on the Tenth -- New Year's Resolutions for Bereaved Parents

I've never really been much of a New Year's resolution person.  No particular reason ... I'm just not.

But for 2014, I'm thinking about making some.  The fact that it's already the tenth day of the year should indicate the fact that I've really spent some time thinking about these things.  And I believe that these are resolutions that all those of us who have children in Heaven might want to consider adopting as our own.

In just over a month from now, Hannah will have been in Heaven for five years.  It doesn't seem possible, but it's true.  And God has been faithful to gently carry our family through many painful days and months since that time.  These have been the most difficult five years of my life, but He has used them to teach me things that I don't think I could have learned any other way.

So, in light of that, I present ten New Year's Resolutions for Bereaved Parents:

1.  I resolve to ... Look forward to the future and not spend time agonizing over the "If Onlys".  These things are in the past, they cannot be changed, and it is a waste of my time and energy to be consumed by them.  These thoughts draw me away from doing the things God wants me to be doing today.  And I believe that it dishonors both my child and my Lord when I remain stuck in the past and refuse to move forward.

2.  I resolve to ... Extend grace to those who inadvertently add to my pain by making well-meaning, but inappropriate comments.  And I refuse to replay those hurtful words over and over in my mind, thinking about all the things I could have, should have said, that would have put them in their place.  I will remember that I, too, have said unintentionally hurtful things in my own clumsy attempts to comfort others.

3.  I resolve to ... Extend grace to those who avoid me, or who are clearly uncomfortable talking to me about my child.  They're just afraid.  They don't want to add to my pain, so it's easier just to steer clear of me.  I will remember that I have been that person, too.

4.  I resolve to ... Help others understand what I need from them.  If I need to talk about my child, I'll explain to them that it helps me to talk about her, even if it does make me cry.  If I need to be alone for awhile, I'll ask them to respect my solitude.  If I just don't have the energy for chit-chat and smiles, I'll explain to them why.  If I need to celebrate holidays in a different way, I'll discuss it with them ahead of time.  If I don't know what I need (which happens a lot!), I'll even tell them that.

 5.   I resolve to ... Be patient with myself.  Grief takes time ... much more time than I ever realized before.  I will give myself all the time I need, and not try to rush it (even though others may try to rush me along).  I will be gentle and kind to myself and the fellow grievers in my household.

6.  I resolve to ... Find some joy in every day.  There's a difference between happiness and joy.  Happiness is dependent upon circumstances, and happiness can be pretty scarce sometimes.  But joy is God-given, and it is possible to still have joy even in the worst of circumstances.  And it doesn't have to come from big things.  It can be found in little things ... dew on a spiderweb, the sight of your favorite pet greeting you at your doorway, the sparkle of sunshine on the water, the feeling of pulling on a pair of new warm socks on a cold day.  I resolve to look for and appreciate those things.

7.  I resolve to ... Be grateful for the 17 1/2 years I had with Hannah.  I would rather have had her and lost her than to never have had her in my life at all.  And when I consider the fact that I haven't really "lost" her, but in fact, I will spend eternity with her ... the gratitude just overflows.

8.  I resolve to ... Recognize and rebuff the attacks of Satan.  He knows that I'm vulnerable right now, and he would like nothing more than to destroy my witness and to tear my family apart.  He wants me to believe his lies -- that I'm somehow responsible for my child's death; that God is punishing me for some sin; that if only I had had more faith or if I had prayed more, my child would still be here today.  I refuse to allow Satan to have a foothold in my life.

9.  I resolve to ... Depend upon what I know to be true about God, and not on what my feelings are telling me.  So much of the time, my feelings and emotions are completely out of control and unpredictable.  I can laugh and cry and be angry and happy all at the same time.  I can be fine one minute, and sobbing the next.  And I may not even know what triggered the meltdown.  My feelings will lie to me (See #8), but God's Word always tells me the truth.  To keep this resolution, I must spend time with Him, and be intentional in prayer and Bible study.

10.  I resolve to ... Remember that I can do none of these things on my own.  I have no power within myself to keep even one of these resolutions.  It helps to talk to other moms and dads who understand what it's like to miss your child so desperately.  It's great to know that I'm not alone in this thing ..
. that I'm not the only one who struggles with these things.  But even more than having the support of other bereaved parents, it is critical that I lean on my Heavenly Father for strength.  Because it is only in Him that I can find the strength to keep these resolutions.

"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."  II Corinthians 12: 9-11 (NASB)

Ten on the Tenth -- Five Things that Don't Comfort, and Five Things that Do

One part of the While We're Waiting ministry is a Facebook page which is dedicated to discussions about issues that bereaved parents deal with on a day-to-day basis.  It is a truly vibrant group of moms and dads, all of whom have children in Heaven, and all of whom are seeking to live well while they're waiting to be reunited with them one day.  It's a closed group, limited to just parents who have lost children, along with a very few others who are close friends of the While We're Waiting ministry, so it's a safe place to discuss things that others may not understand.

This past weekend, one of the moms on the page, Kimberly Hughes, whose son Drew went to Heaven this past July, posted a list that drew a number of comments from those on the page.  It appears that her list resonates with most, if not all of us, who have children in Heaven.  So, with her permission, I'm presenting her list to you as this month's Ten on the Tenth ...

Top 5 Things People Say That DON'T Comfort me:

5. "Everything happens for a reason"

4. "I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother, etc" Unless you have lost a child, you really don't know how I feel and that's a good thing- be thankful.

3. "At least you have two other sons"

2. "You are so strong. If I lost my child, I'd..." and you can fill in the rest. It makes me feel like you are implying your love for your child is stronger than mine. There is nobody anywhere in the world who loves their children MORE than I love mine- just FYI.

1. By far the worst one for me is "I've lost a child, too, and believe me it never gets better. People will say it does, but it doesn't." This I think is the worst. I think it implies I shouldn't have hope and it is a LIE. I AM better than I was when I couldn't breathe, didn't want to get out of bed and was completely numb and there IS hope for joy in my life again.

Top 5 Things People Say That DO Comfort Me

5. Any wonderful memories of Drew Hughes, especially stories of when he made others laugh or smile. That was his gift and I want his memory to be shared and kept alive.

4. "I think about and pray for you and your family often."

3. Lots of scripture including Corinthians 13:4-8, Psalm 34:18 and Isaiah 41:10

2. "God loves you and He is good. Trust that He will carry you through this."

1. "Drew is safe and secure and you will see and be with him again one day."


I think Kimberly hit the nail right on the head with her list, and I appreciate her willingness to let me share it with you.  I've posted similar types of lists before, but I think she has a unique perspective, especially since she is still in the early months of her grief journey.

As you think of families you know who have lost children during this Christmas season, please take a moment and lift them up before the Heavenly Father.  No matter how long it's been since someone's child went to Heaven, it's still a really tough time of the year.  Memories of Christmases past, gifts un-bought, watching intact families merrily enjoying the season, an empty chair at the Christmas dinner table ... the presence of that child's absence is enormous, and can be overwhelming.  The best gift you can give them is to let them know that you do remember their child, and that you are praying for them.  They will appreciate that more than they can ever say.

Ten on the Tenth -- Observations from the Empty Nest

Whoops!  It's the 11th, isn't it?  Oh well, yesterday I was too busy with my little "chick" who was home for the weekend to post anyway.

I can't seem to go anywhere these days without someone asking me how we are doing with our empty nest.  So, here are a few observations I've made in the first three months of having an empty nest ...

1.  I only do laundry once, maybe twice, a week.  When Bethany was home, our washing machine was running pretty much every day because of all of her sweaty, smelly practice clothes and uniforms.

2.  Two people make a lot less trash than three people.  How can one person make such a difference?

3.  I do a lot less cooking when it's just the two of us at home.  In fact, I rarely turn on the oven.  Sandwiches, cereal, soup, carry-out pizza, and meals out meet our needs for sustenance.

4.  I do far less grocery shopping (see #3).

5.  I rarely run the dishwasher (see #3).

6.  I clean the house ... and it stays clean!  Especially Bethany's bathroom.  And her bedroom.  I kind of like that.

7.  I'm no longer running from sporting event to sporting event.  Most nights, I come home from work and I shut the garage door behind my car.  I can put on my pajama pants and relax at home for the evening.  Ahhhhh, bliss!

8.  Maybe because I'm no longer attending sporting events in person, I find myself much more interested in watching sports on TV.  And maybe because that's something Brad and I can enjoy doing together.  Speaking of which, we actually have time to enjoy doing things together again, just the two of us.  I like that, too.

9.  It is so much fun to sit back and watch Bethany grow into a responsible, mature young woman.  She's working hard and it's paying off in the form of excellent grades.  She is learning how to manage her time and how to discipline herself to study even when she'd rather do something else.  It's also wonderful to see her begin to appreciate her mom and dad a little more.  When I get texts from her thanking us for raising her the way we did and talking about how much she loves and misses us ... Well, it doesn't get much better than that!

10.  I'm beginning to see Bethany as an individual, someone separate and distinct from me, with her own unique gifts and talents and her own life to live.  Of course, intellectually, I've always known that, but my heart is starting to accept that as well.  And I can only rejoice in that!  I'm also beginning to see Brad and I as a couple again ... no longer as "just" our children's parents.  And that can only be a good thing.

Do I miss Bethany?  Of course I do.  Our house is so quiet without her here.  This past Halloweeen was the first time in 22 years that we haven't had a child at home for that occasion.  And this upcoming Christmas will be the last time we'll have a child at home on Christmas morning ... by next Christmas Bethany will be married.  Life is changing for the Sullivan family.

One thing, though, that makes it kind of fun to miss Bethany is the joyful anticipation of seeing her again.  She does not come home very often ... about once a month up to this point.  So it's a real treat when she does.  I get all excited and run to the grocery store to get the ingredients for her favorite foods and come home and cook them up.  She brings home a pile of dirty laundry and messes up that clean bedroom and bathroom.  We stay up late watching wedding shows on TV and talking about college life.  And before I know it, it's Sunday afternoon and she's hitting the road for "home", and our home is quiet and still once again.  And there's no sadness, because she's doing what she's supposed to be doing ... growing up and becoming the woman God wants her to be.

But the "missing" we have for Bethany is altogether different from the "missing" in our hearts for Hannah.  When Hannah left for Heaven, we experienced many of the things I listed above.  We had less laundry.  Her bed stayed made and her room stayed clean.  I no longer bought as many groceries as I used to.  But there was no joy to be found in these things, only emptiness and heartbreak.

There is one similarity, though, and that is the joyful anticipation of seeing her again.  Granted, it will probably be longer than a month before I see her again (although, if God wills, it could be much sooner).  Four and a half years ago, she hit the road for "home", and our nest became partially empty way before I ever thought it would.  But, just like Bethany, she is doing what she's supposed to be doing ... sitting around the throne, worshipping her Lord and Savior.

And though my nest may be empty, my heart is full ... because both of my girls are happy, and I will see them both again ... sooner or later.

Ten on the Tenth -- Surprises for Hannah

Hannah's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, which always has a tendency to put me in a bit of a melancholy mood.  She would be 22 years old on the 22nd of this month ... her "golden birthday", as we used to call it when we were kids.  And what's more striking than that to me is that this will be the fifth birthday she is spending in Heaven.  How is it possible that that much time has passed since we celebrated her 17th birthday here on earth?  And honestly, it was hard to "celebrate" her 17th birthday, because we knew that, without a miracle, it would be the last one we would enjoy with her here.

I've been thinking lately about things that have happened since Hannah's last earthly birthday ... things she would be surprised by if she knew about them.  And who knows ... maybe she does!  So, here are ten things that I think would really surprise my girl ...

1.  Probably her biggest surprise would be finding out that her "baby" sister, Bethany, is engaged ... and to one of her old friends and classmates.  I can just see her smiling and shaking her head about that.  She'd be thrilled.

2.  She'd also be surprised that that same baby sister won a state championship in both high jump and softball her senior year.  As her biggest fan, Hannah would be very proud of her!

3.  She'd be shocked to know that her dad has a new job ... as Director of Curriculum and Instruction at Fountain Lake Schools.  She'd be proud of him, too!

4.  She would be surprised (and excited) to find out that she has a new cousin on the way!!  Yes, her Aunt Sarah and Uncle Byron are going to break from Sullivan tradition, and have a third baby.  Maybe, after eight girls, we'll finally get our boy.  Now that would be a surprise to all of us!

5.  She would be surprised (and dismayed) by the current state of our government.

6.  She would be surprised by the prevalence of technology today.  The first generation iPhone had only been out about a year when she turned 17, and the iPad was still a figment of Steve Jobs's imagination.

7.  She would be surprised by all the mutations American Idol has gone through, the fact that there is no more John & Kate Plus Eight, and the popularity of Duck Dynasty (which she would love, by the way)!

8.  She would be surprised that so many people have heard about her and her story.  She was never one to seek the spotlight, and she would be shocked (but pleased) to know that the story of her faith in the face of cancer had touched so many lives.

9.  She would be surprised by the ministry of While We're Waiting, and that the cornerstone of that ministry is the retreats we host for bereaved parents.  She, more than probably anyone else, knows that I've never been a "retreat person" ... as a natural introvert, I've never enjoyed big get-togethers, especially with a bunch of people I've never met!  But that leads into #10 ...

10.  She would be surprised to see how God has changed her mom, dad, and sister over the last five years.  How our perspective has changed from the temporary to the eternal, and how our priorities have been completely and totally altered.  How we've come to understand what the Bible means by "The peace that passes understanding", and how God has used the prayers of others to carry us on the days that we couldn't walk on our own.  And how we spend each day looking forward to the day we'll see her again ... but in the meantime, how God continues to help us live well while we're waiting.

Ten on the Tenth -- Observations from the Hiking Trail

Now that we are "empty nesters", and no longer running from high school sporting event to high school sporting event, we have picked up a new hobby ... hiking.  We usually hike with our friends, the Browns, but occasionally go alone.  We don't go on really long hikes ... generally somewhere between 4-6 miles ... just enough to work up a good sweat and get the ol' heart rate up.

So for this month's Ten on the Tenth ... here are a few observations I've made while hiking over the last few weeks.  Some of these thoughts are a little more profound than others ...

1.  "You are here" signs on a trail have absolutely no meaning to me.

2.  Men hike faster than women.  Especially when the women are talking the whole time.  This is our usual view.

3.  The first few times I hiked, I realized that I had a tendency to hike with my eyes on the trail.  I didn't want to step on a loose rock and twist my ankle, or brush up against my nemesis, poison ivy.  But if I keep my eyes on the trail all the time, I miss the beauty around me.  I don't see the big picture and I miss out on things like this ...

I have a tendency to do that in life, too ... focusing on just the narrow little area immediately around me ... and when I do that, I sure do miss out on a lot of good stuff.

4.  Hiking is easier with a friend.  The other day, Brad and I went hiking together on a trail that we had previously hiked with the Browns.  As I huffed and puffed my way up the incline, I asked him, "Are you sure this is the same trail we hiked with the Browns?  I don't remember it being this hard!"  "Of course it is!" he replied, and I realized that when I'm hiking with my friend Janice, nothing seems as hard.  So thankful for those God-given friends along life's journey!

5.  Water is essential while hiking.  I'm not much of a water drinker normally, but I carry my water bottle while hiking and take regular sips.  But I sure get tired of carrying that bottle around.  One day we won't have to carry water bottles anymore ... "They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat.  For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and He will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."  Mmmmm ... can't wait.

6.  MapMyRun is a nifty little app.  Sure is encouraging to hear that lady call out every mile you've completed and nothing makes you want to hike faster than hearing that her telling you what your split time is. 

7.  Referring back to #3, I've noticed that if I look too far ahead down the trail, I can get discouraged.  This is especially true when we're climbing up a steep incline.  If it goes up, up, up as far as I can see, I suddenly become a lot more tired, my feet start dragging, and pretty soon I'm ready to give up.  If I concentrate on conquering a little bit at a time, I do much better.

8.  Maybe because it's been so hot lately, the gnats and mosquitos on the trail have been vicious.  Why is it that they want to buzz right in front of your eyes and in your ears?  And no amount of swatting can drive them away.  Reminds me of all the things that distract us along our daily walk, not to mention the relentless attacks of Satan that can wear us down.  

9.  I know better than to go hiking alone.  If I did, I would probably never find my way home (See #1).  I might spend days wandering Deaf Chief Trail.  (Yes, there really is a Dead Chief Trail.)   Those trails go off in all kinds of different directions.  I need a guide to keep me on the right trail.  Just like in real life.

10.  Hiking is more fun when there is the promise of a reward.  It could be a beautiful view ...

or an ice cream cone at the end of the hike.  And these rewards can't even begin to compare with what awaits us at the end of our life's hike!  Hmmmm ... I wonder what the view is like from Heaven?

Ten on the Tenth -- The "Empty Nest"

I've never really liked the term "empty nest."  Ever since Bethany graduated from high school in May, lots of people have asked me if I'm feeling sad about having an empty nest.  And there have been a few folks who've given me an elbow nudge accompanied by a conspiratorial wink, telling me how much I'm going to enjoy my empty nest.

Well, since my nest has been half empty since February of 2009, I'm not really sure how to respond to these folks.  Maybe that's because I'm not really sure how I feel about it.  It's one thing for your nest to be emptied by a child's death, and an entirely different thing when a child leaves the nest to head to college.

So ... since we'll be moving Bethany into her dorm at the University of Arkansas one week from today, here are just a few (well, ten) of my thoughts ...

1.  I'm so excited for her.  Even though it's been almost thirty years ago, I clearly remember how excited I was to be leaving home and heading off to college.  I couldn't wait, and she can't either.

2.  We've had fun doing some pre-college shopping together.  Since she'll be getting married after just one year in the dorm, we've tried to stick to buying things she'll be able to use in her home next year ... and that's pretty fun to think about, too.

3.  I'm praying that she'll have a good roommate and suitemates.  She has never met these girls in person, but they've "met" on Facebook, and they text each other a lot.  They seem to be compatible, but you never know until you live in a tiny little dorm room with someone!

4.  I'm so glad that her fiance' (aka "Other Brad") will be there with her.  He will be starting his senior year there, so he knows the ropes at the U of A.  He can help her find her way around that enormous campus, make sure she gets to where she's going safely, and help her get plugged in to some good Christian ministries there.  I'm so thankful for that ... it makes this Mama feel much better!

5.  She has spent her summer working as a counselor at Family Farm Christian Day Camp ... the same place where we hold our While We're Waiting Parents' Weekends.  She had such a great experience there, and really grew in her walk with the Lord.  I'm so glad she had that opportunity before heading off to a secular university.

6.  Her career goal is to be a dental hygienist, and she's going to spend the first three days of next week "shadowing" at our dentist's office.  And guess who just happens to have an appointment on Monday afternoon?  Me!  I wonder if they'll let her practice on me ... It's actually kind of a scary thought!  ;-)

7.  She is so ready to get out on her own.  From seventh grade on, her dad has been her principal, and I've also worked in her school.  She's never really been away from us ... at least when it comes to school.  She's looking forward to the independence that college will provide.  We keep teasing her that we're going to get an apartment in Fayetteville and come up every weekend ... I think she's half afraid that we're serious!

8.  I'm beginning to think about how our lives will change when she's not home all the time.  No more ball games, for one thing.  The ability to focus on each other as a couple for a change.  The opportunity to take up a new hobby.  Learning how to cook for two ... or maybe going out to eat more often! There will definitely be some good things about it!

9.  She doesn't think she's going to miss us.  I remember feeling that way about my parents when I went to college, too.  It didn't take long for me to gain a whole new appreciation of my folks!

10.  I'm going to miss her terribly.  She's been away from us for a week at a time, but never longer than that.  She's such a bright spot in our lives ... always smiling, laughing, and being silly.  It will be very different around here without her, and I'm really not sure how I'm going to like it.

So how do I feel about my "empty nest"?  I'm really okay with it.  Yes, I'll miss my girl, but she's only going to Fayetteville!  If I want to, I can call her five times a day ... Because she'd love that! ;-)

But I can text her, message her on Facebook, even Skype with her if I want to see her face.  Of course we won't really get an apartment up there, but we can go up from time to time and visit her.  She can come home for a weekend occasionally, and we'll see her at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  And next May, she'll be home in time to get ready for her wedding at the end of the month.

And I can rejoice in the fact that she's growing up, the way kids are supposed to.  She has so much to look forward to ... and so do I.  You know, when I think about it, my "nest" may be empty, but my heart is full.  Bethany is growing into a lovely young woman and Hannah is in good hands with her Heavenly Father.  I am a blessed Mom.

Ten on the Tenth -- Ten Things NOT to Say to Grieving Parents

At our While We're Waiting support group meeting last month, we spent the evening discussing how we often find ourselves in the position of having to extend grace to people who ... how shall I say this ... misspeak in their attempts to comfort us.  These are well-meaning people, folks who desperately want us to feel better, often friends and family members who just want us to be back to "normal."

As you can imagine, it was a lively discussion.  Every one of us who has a child in Heaven has had an encounter with a clumsy comforter.  But we shouldn't feel alone ... that experience goes all the way back to the time of Job!  Talk about some lousy friends ... Job takes that prize for sure!  In fact, listen to what he had to say to them in his own words, "Then Job answered and said: 'I have heard many such things; Miserable comforters are you all!'"  I guess he told them!

Here are ten things that, in my opinion, should NOT be said to a grieving parent:

1.  "I understand how you feel."  The only time this is ever appropriate is if you are a bereaved parent yourself.  And even then, everybody's experience is different.  I can't even really understand how Brad and Bethany feel, because their relationship with Hannah was different than mine.

2.  "How are you doing?"  This puts the bereaved parent in the awkward position of either forcing a smile and squeezing out an insincere, "Oh, I'm okay," or melting into uncontrollable tears at the thought of how not okay they really are.  One exception here ... If you are a very close friend or family member, it can be acceptable to ask this question, but only if you are prepared to invest the time and emotional support necessary to allow the grieving person to fully and honestly answer it.

3.  "She's gone to a better place."  All of us who have lost children are so glad there is a Heaven, and that our children, if they knew Jesus as their Savior, are there ... but I have yet to meet a bereaved parent who wouldn't rather have their child right here with them.  Heaven is a great comfort, but it does not ease the pain we feel as we miss our children.

4.  "At least you have another child/other children."  Those of us who have other surviving children are unspeakably grateful to have them ... but those children in no way take the place of the one we have lost.  And if we are young enough and choose to have another child, that child is not a replacement for the one we have lost.

5.  "God always picks His best flowers first."  Ummm ... What does that even mean?  (Shaking my head...)

6.  "God must have needed another angel in Heaven."  This one doesn't pass theological muster with me ... I believe that Scripture teaches that angels are a completely separate created order, and that humans who die do not become angels.  If God wants another angel in Heaven, He can create one!

7.  "You're so strong.  I could never survive if I lost my child."  I haven't met a bereaved parent yet who thought they could survive this type of loss either ... yet they have ... and some of them have even survived the loss of multiple children.   And most of them will tell you that they don't feel strong at all ... at times they are nearly too weak to stand.  This kind of statement can also put a lot of pressure on a bereaved parent ... It can make us feel like we have to be strong all the time because that's what people are expecting.  And that can be exhausting (not to mention impossible)!

8.  "God saves his hardest battles for his strongest soldiers."  My friend Ronnie, a bereaved mom herself, wrote a blog post addressing this very comment yesterday ... Click here to read what she has to say about it.  I agree with every word she said.

9.  "Are you over the loss of your child yet?" or "Have you gotten closure yet?"  This is sometimes a not-so-subtle implication that we should be "back to normal" by now.  The truth is that we will never be "back to normal."  What we knew as normal is gone forever.  We will get better, but we will never be the same people we were before we went through the loss of our child.

10.  Nothing.  Some people are what I call "avoiders."  I know them well, because I used to be one.  They are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all, and will go to extreme measures to keep from even being in the same room with us.

So what should you say to a grieving parent?  The list is short.  "I'm praying for you."  "I love you."  If you really have no idea what to say, just say, "I don't know what to say."  That's right ... honesty is always good.

And those of us who are bereaved parents would do well to remember Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 ... "Also do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you.  For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others."

Two take-aways from that verse ... "Do not take to heart everything people say" and "your own heart has known that even you have cursed others."   We can't take everything people say to heart ... they are people, after all!  And how many times have we ourselves been "miserable comforters" before we received our unfortunate education?

When people inadvertently say things that add to our pain, we can choose to be touchy and hypersensitive, forcing them to leap impossibly high hurdles as they tiptoe around us ... or we can choose to extend grace to these generally sincere folks who really just want to help us.  Which of these choices is most conducive to our healing?  Which choice honors our child, and more importantly, our Lord?

Extending grace frees us from the twin burdens of resentment and bitterness.  Bad as they may be, anyone's offenses against me are far less than my offenses against God.  "As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."  Colossians 3:13

Ten on the Tenth (Times Two)

Sometimes it makes me feel really sad when I think about all the things Hannah missed out on by going to Heaven in her junior year of high school at the age of seventeen ... especially when I think about all the things Bethany's been able to do over the past couple of years.  Hence, this month's Ten on the Tenth -- Ten things Bethany has gotten to experience that Hannah never did.

1.  She was able to enjoy her senior year of high school.

2.  She went to prom.  Actually, this year was her third prom to attend.  And may I just say, I'm thrilled that it was her last.  They were all fun, but I am so done with proms.

3.  She has a serious boyfriend.  They will have been dating two years this month, and he is a wonderful Christian young man.  What a blessing he's been to our family!

4.  She won an individual state championship in high jump and a team state championship in softball.  We are thankful for the opportunities she's had to excel this year!

5.  She graduated from high school!

6.  She started her first job.  She'll be working at Family Farm Christian Day Camp as a counselor this summer.  This is the same location where we hold our While We're Waiting retreats.  I'm so thankful that she will have the opportunity to spend the summer in such an awesome Christian environment before she heads off to college this fall.

7.  She opened her first checking account.  Between her paychecks and some very generous graduation gifts, she has a nice little balance to help her get ready for college.

8.  She turned eighteen this past Friday.  She assures me that that means she is now an adult.  We'll see about that!

9.  She enrolled at the University of Arkansas.  We have not yet gone to her official freshman orientation ... that will come later this summer ... but she is all signed up.

10.  She had the opportunity to lead a child to the Lord last weekend at Family Farm.  Hopefully, this will be just the first of many kids she will have the opportunity to pray with this summer.


Now, for the "Times Two".  As I pondered the preceding list, I realized once again that Hannah really hasn't missed out on anything.  If I'm being perfectly honest, I have to admit that I'm the one who sometimes feels cheated because I didn't get to experience these things with her.  And the more I thought about it, the more I realized all the things Hannah's gotten to experience that Bethany hasn't.

1.  Hannah had the opportunity to discover the depth and reality of her faith as she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and faced brain surgery.  She got to experience firsthand how God carries His children through devastating circumstances as she battled cancer.

2.  She may never have gone to prom, but she is feasting and dancing in Heaven.

3.  Although she never even went on a single date, she is now sitting at the feet of the Ultimate Bridegroom.

4.  Even though she took after her mother athletically (poor kid), I'm thinking she can now probably high jump over Mount Everest and hit a softball right out of the Milky Way.

5.  She may not have graduated high school, but she graduated life!

6.  She never experienced paid employment on this earth, but I believe that God's job for her here was perfectly fulfilled.

7.  Hannah never had a bank account, nor did she ever have much money to speak of.  But now she's hanging out with the Owner of "the cattle on a thousand hills."  (Psalm 51:10b)

8.  Her earthly existence ended when she was seventeen years and some-odd days old, but she is now ageless, living outside the realm of Time.

9.  She never attended college, but can you imagine what she's been learning at her Savior's knee?

10.  I'm not sure if Hannah ever personally prayed with someone as they received the Lord, but I do know a number of people who were saved as a direct result of her testimony.


No ... the more I think about it, Hannah hasn't missed a thing!

Ten on the Tenth -- When Mother's Day Is Not Happy

This weekend is Mother's Day ... perhaps one of the most dreaded days on the calendar for moms who have children in Heaven.  For those of us who find ourselves in that situation, Mother's Day can be anything but happy.

The While We're Waiting ministry has brought me into contact with a number of hurting moms over the past couple of years, and for many of them, this will be their first Mother's Day without one of their precious children ... and I know several who have lost their only child within the past twelve months.

It's so hard for me to believe that this will be my fifth Mother's Day since my oldest daughter went to Heaven at the age of seventeen.  And in those five years, I've learned a few things about surviving the day ... at least some things that have helped me.  So that's what this month's Ten on the Tenth is about ... What can we do when Mother's Day is not happy?

1.  Accept the fact that the day will be difficult.  Yeah, I know ... Duh.  Of course we know that the day will be difficult!  But knowing it and accepting it, I think, are a little different.  Accept the fact that it will be tough, but it's just another 24 hours, and know that you will get through it.

2.  Remember that the anticipation of a difficult day is quite often worse than the day itself.  Sometimes we can even make ourselves physically ill with anticipation.  A Scripture that has really helped me with this one is Psalm 94: 18-19 ... "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.'"

3.  Have a plan.  I can't stress this one enough.  Don't wait until the day arrives and then be swept along into whatever activity is going on.  Take some time before the day gets here and think about how you want to spend the day.  Are you going to go to church or not?  Do you want to go out to eat or have a quiet meal at home?  Will you want to visit your child's grave?  Maybe you'll want to go visit your own mother.  Whatever it is you want to do, exerting some control over the situation by making a plan may help you feel less at the mercy of the day.

4.  Once you have thought through your plan, be sure to communicate it to your family and friends.  Don't assume they'll know what you need ... they won't ... so be sure to tell them how you want to spend the day.  After all, if there is any day when they should be willing to do what pleases you, it is Mother's Day.

5.  Don't feel like you have to go to church on Mother's Day.  I'm not normally one to recommend skipping church, but seeing all those other moms sitting with their children while the pastor extols the joys of motherhood may not be what you need on this particular day.  If it's too painful, don't feel guilty about not going to church.

6.  If you feel that going to church would be comforting to you, then by all means, go!  I did go to church on my first Mother's Day without Hannah, and made it through the service okay, but when it was over, all I wanted to do was get out of there before I had a complete emotional breakdown!  Unfortunately, I had not communicated this need to my husband beforehand, and he wanted to stand around and talk after church like he always does.  A good example of Point #4 ... I could have saved both of us a lot of heartache if I had told him what my needs were ahead of time.

7.  Remember that there's nothing wrong with having a good cry.  Or several, if that's what it takes to get through the day.  God gave us the gift of tears for a reason.

8.  Realize that you are not alone as a grieving mom.  I know that there are far more of us than I ever realized there were.  Remember that Mary's heart was also broken when her son died a horrendous death on a cruel cross.

9.  Look for a gift from God at some point during the day.  It was while we were eating lunch on my first Mother's Day without Hannah that my brother told me about a Facebook post she had made.  In January of 2008, one month before she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, Hannah had posted, "This world has nothing for me -- I will live for Him."  What a gift that was to "hear" her say in her own words that she was not bound to the things of this world.  It was a huge comfort to me, and although much is a blur about that first Mother's Day, that is one thing I remember clearly.  Keep your eyes and your heart open ... God just might give you a Mother's Day gift this year.

10.  Remember that just because your child now lives in Heaven does not make you any less of a mom.  Nothing can change the fact that you are your child's mother.  At the beginning of the book of Job, Job loses his ten children along with his health and all of his worldly possessions.  At the end of the story, Job receives double all he had lost during his time of trial:  14,000 sheep to replace the 7,000; 6,000 camels to replace the 3,000; 1,000 oxen and donkeys to replace 500.  But there is one exception -- previously Job had seven sons and three daughters, and in the restoration, he receives seven sons and three daughters.  Why didn't he receive double the number of children he had?  I believe he did.  He still had the ten children he had before ... they were just living in Heaven now instead of on earth.  So now he had ten in Heaven and ten on earth, and one day they would all be together eternally.  Now that's a comforting thought!

Ten on the Tenth

Wow ... the tenth of the month sure seems to come around quickly these days!  Must be the busy-ness factor ... our days and evenings are just so filled with activity, I sometimes lose the sense of time passing!

Anyway, it is the tenth, so it's time for another list.  And since we just had our fifth While We're Waiting Weekend for Bereaved Parents this past weekend, I thought I'd share my top ten favorite things about the weekend.  Here we go ...

1.  Family Farm is one of my most favorite places in the world.  You can walk onto the property and feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I love that we have our retreats here.  The feeling of peace is almost palpable.

2.  I love the time we spend with the animals.  Each one has a name and its own unique personality.  There's something about spending time with God's creatures that's very therapeutic.

3.  I love watching folks figure out how to get across the Islands without stepping into the "molten lava" in between them.  People who just met less than 24 hours ago have to work together to get every member of their team across these wooden platforms using only three boards and a rope swing.  They did it!

4.  I love hearing the Mays, who own Family Farm, share the story of their son, Zane.  We always hear their story at Salvation Station.  Such a beautiful spot.

5.  I got a big kick out of watching this group do the land skis.  Another working-together type activity, with a little competition thrown in.  OK, maybe a lot of competition.  The ladies were waaaaay ahead, 'til the guys got their act together.  Could've been a little cheating involved.  Just sayin'.

6.  I love watching moms and dads who have endured so much loss having fun.  Our kids would want us to find the joy in life ... after all, they are experiencing more joy than we can even imagine!

7.  One of the moms who came from New Orleans brought us a king cake.  She explained to the group that king cake is a New Orleans tradition.  A plastic baby is baked into the cake, and we "worked" all weekend to find that baby.  And it was hard work too ... we had to keep on eating this delicious pastry until we found it!  By Sunday morning, there were just a few pieces left, and the baby was finally found.  There might have been a little cheating involved here, too.

8.  Speaking of food, our 5-course gourmet meal on Saturday night is always a special treat.  Take a look at what we enjoyed ... in order, these pictures are the appetizer, the salad, the intermezzo, the entree, and the dessert.

9.  I love the time we spend sharing our kids' stories and talking about our various journeys.  There is so much wisdom shared in these discussions.  I've gotten to where I keep a notebook handy and jot down things I want to remember.  Here are just a few quotes I wrote down ...

"Why would I be angry at God when He ended my son's suffering?"

"Your perspective in life changes, and your direction in life changes."

"It's not a new chapter ... it's a new book."

"Guard your heart, pick your battles, and use your energy to get better."

Good stuff.

10.  But maybe my favorite part of this weekend came after I got home.  Our parents are offered the opportunity to write comments about the weekend that they wouldn't mind us sharing publicly.  I didn't read what they had written until I got home, but when I did, I was so touched by what they said.  I'll close this post with these...

"Truly amazing weekend!  So thankful for this opportunity!"  ~Raegan's mom

"WWW has been an uplifting and inspirational experience.  I would recommend it to all those grieving the loss of their most precious children."  ~Ben's mom

"What a life changing event!  After our daughter's passing, our lives were forever altered.  Our faith has been strengthened tenfold after attending our first While We're Waiting retreat.  We were just where we needed to be on the anniversary of Kendra's passing."  ~Kendra's mom and dad

"As a skeptic coming in, it only took a few hours with this great group of people of God for me to realize my family had just grown.  Thank you for this amazing, healing ministry."  ~Timmy's stepdad

Ten on the Tenth -- 10 Reasons Why I Enjoy Spending Time with Bereaved, But Believing, Parents

Yesterday we had another of our While We're Waiting Mini-Retreats for Bereaved Moms, and what a wonderful blessing it was.  I was reminded once again why Christian parents who have lost children are my favorite people to be around.  And here's why...

1.  They are the bravest people I know.  These are folks who have survived every parents' biggest nightmare, and find themselves with very little left to fear.

2.  They don't waste time with small talk.  Every conversation has depth and richness to it.

3.  They've learned not to judge others, because they've come to realize that they've been wrong about a whole lot of things themselves.

4.  They appreciate the little things in life ... because they've learned that the little things are really the big things.

5.  They understand that they are not in control ... and they've learned how to trust the One who is, even when they don't like what He allows.

6.  They've wrestled with the most difficult questions of life, and have come to accept that they will never have all the answers this side of Heaven.

7.  They would give anything to still have their child with them ... but they love their child too much to really want them to leave Heaven.

8.  They have learned how to accept clumsily-spoken words from well-meaning folks with grace.

9.  They know how to smile in spite of their broken hearts ... and they bravely do it every day.

10.  They live with eternity always before them.  It's what gets them up in the mornings and allows them to sleep at night.  It is the promise of Heaven that keeps them breathing every day.

Ten on the Tenth -- My Favorite Contemporary Christian Albums

Did you miss last month's Ten on the Tenth?  I didn't either ... at least not until about the 14th, when I realized I had completely forgotten about the tenth of the month.  So, I'm making sure I'm getting it done this month, even though it seems like a completely random topic.  But before I start that, I wanted to post a couple of pictures from Bethany's senior night.  We had a great time that evening, and got a big kick out of watching Bethany lead the team in scoring with 15 points.  Here are a few pics...

The last picture is of all the seniors along with their coach.  It's really been a great year for them, and it's not over yet.  We have district tournament next week, regional tournament the following week, and hopefully state tournament the week after that.  Oh, and did I mention that Bethany led the team in scoring on senior night?  ;-)

Now, back to the list.

My love affair with contemporary Christian music began when my Aunt Marie sent me an Amy Grant cassette for my 13th birthday. At that time, I didn't even know that that type of music existed.  I fell in love with that cassette at first listen ... I practically wore it out.  Not long after that, I discovered a radio program that came on our local station for a couple of hours each Sunday night.  They played artists like Second Chapter of Acts, Dallas Holm & Praise, Phil Keaggy, Steve Green, Don Francisco, and, of course, Amy Grant.  I would record the show on my tape recorder and listen to it over and over until the next week's show.

As I got a little older and started earning money, you can probably guess what I spent it on.  I could hang out in Christian bookstores all day just looking at the shelves of cassette tapes?  Does anyone besides me remember that cassettes used to have stickers on the shrink wrap that you could collect and redeem for free cassettes.  If you bought four cassettes and collected the stickers from them, you could get one free.  I painstakingly clipped out every one of those things and would breathlessly run to the store as soon as I had collected enough for my free music.

My love for this music has continued all the way into my middle-aged years.  My tastes have broadened over the years, and I enjoy a very wide range of Christian music, as you'll see from my list. So, without further ado, here are my ten favorite CCM albums from over the years.  These are in no particular order, other than a loose chronological order.

1.  "Never Alone" by Amy Grant -- Since this is where it all began, I had to include this one!

2.  "Live" and "Nothing But Praise" by Dallas Holm & Praise -- Yes, I know that's two albums, but I can't list one without the other.  I had these two records and played them over and over.  And my first "official" date with Brad was to a Dallas Holm concert at OBU!

3.  "Forgiven" and "Got to Tell Somebody" by Don Francisco -- Two again.  Sorry.  I loved these records too, especially "He's Alive."  What an awesome song that was.  Excuse me while I go check iTunes for some Don Francisco songs.

4.  "More Power to Ya", "Not of this World", and "Beat the System" by Petra.  Okay, quit counting.  I just can't narrow these down.  Brad and I also went to a Petra concert together ... before our "official" first date.

5.  "DC Talk" and "Jesus Freak" by DC Talk.  Back when we were first married, we worked with the youth group at Richwoods Baptist Church in Gum Springs, Arkansas.  Several of those teenagers were DC Talk fans, and when we heard that there was going to be a free concert in the parking lot of the Crate Deals store in Benton, we hit the road.  At that time, they only had one album, the self-titled "DC Talk", and it had nine songs on it.  Those guys stood on the back of a flat bed truck and sang (well, rapped) all nine of their songs twice.  They also did a marvelous gospel presentation.  They drew a huge crowd that day ... lots of people who would probably never darken the door of a church.  It was awesome.  And speaking of DC Talk leads me to my next favorite album ...

6.  "Diverse City" by TobyMac, who was formerly the lead rapper/singer for DC Talk.  I love all of TobyMac's albums, but Diverse City has to be my favorite.

7.  "Declaration" by Steven Curtis Chapman.  I have loved all of SCC's albums, but this one would have to be my favorite.  "Live Out Loud" is such a fun song with an awesome message.  I also love "Beauty Will Rise", which he released after the death of his daughter, Maria, but I rarely listen to it ... the emotion is just too raw.

8.  "Almost There" by MercyMe.  I loved how this album didn't sound "Christian" ... it sounded like what was being played on the radio Top 40 back in 2001.  And it contained the song "I Can Only Imagine".  'Nuff said.

9.  "Lifesong" by Casting Crowns.  Need I say more than "Praise You In the Storm"?

10.  "Hello Love" by Chris Tomlin.  This album was released just as Hannah was nearing the end of her earthly battle with cancer, and the song "I Will Rise" was such a blessing to us.  It was sung during her funeral service and was such a great reminder that her pain and sorrow was all behind her.

11.  "Snapshots:  Live and Fan Favorites" by Chris Rice.  Chris Rice is such a creative songwriter, and has some amazing songs about Heaven.  I love all of his music.

12.  Every album by Switchfoot.  I tried to pick one (or two or three) and couldn't do it.  I love them all.

Oh, sorry ... Was that twelve?  I thought I asked you to stop counting.  ;-)

Actually, I probably could have gone on and on ... There are just so many good Christian albums! Thanks for indulging me in this trip down a musical memory lane.  I'd love to hear some of your favorites!

Ten on the Tenth -- 10 Grief-Related Things I Had Completely Wrong

I've been wrong about a lot of things in my life.  Like when I thought I would would grow up to be a world-class gymnast someday.  Wrong.  Or how I thought I would marry a Dutchman and move back to northern Wisconsin as soon as I was old enough.  Double wrong.  (Thank goodness!)  Or how I swore I would never give up my CD collection for an iPod or prefer e-books to real books.  I was soooo wrong on that one.

But perhaps there is no topic I've been more wrong about than that of suffering and grief.  It's been almost five years now since Hannah was diagnosed with cancer, and almost four since she left us for Heaven.  And boy, have I learned a lot -- things that I suppose can only be learned through experience, and by the grace of God.

So, here we go ... Ten Things I Was Completely, Utterly, Totally Wrong About.

1.  I believed my family was immune to suffering.  I don't think that's because I had any false notion that Christians don't suffer ... Look at Corrie ten Boom, Joni Eareckson, and the apostle Paul!  No, I think I was just basing that idea on past history.  I honestly had never experienced any real adversity in my life up until the time of Hannah's diagnosis.  I guess I thought that was just going to continue indefinitely.  I was wrong.

2.  I believed that grief lasted a relatively short time ... that when a loved one died, you were very, very sad for awhile ... maybe somewhere between three to six months ... and then you were over it.  Maybe you were sad again at Christmas time or on that person's birthday, but for the most part, life went back to normal.  Oh boy, was I wrong on this one.  I've come to realize that I will never be "over" Hannah's death.  The grief resulting from her death has become woven into the very fiber of my life, and will be until the day I am reunited with her in Heaven.  That doesn't mean I spend my days crying ... sometimes I do; more often I don't ... but the ache of grief deep inside never leaves me.

3.  I believed that there was a right way and a wrong way to grieve.  And I was really good at identifying the things I thought were wrong.  If someone went to the grave every day, that was wrong.  And if someone hardly ever (or never) went to the grave, that was wrong.  If someone cried too much, that was wrong.  If someone didn't cry enough, that was wrong.  I now know that the only thing wrong with all those things was me and my judgmental attitude!  Everyone grieves differently, and there's nothing wrong with that.  One caveat here ... there is one way to grieve wrong ... and that is to turn away from the God of all comfort.

4.  I believed that if someone died after a prolonged illness, the grief was lessened by relief that the person was no longer suffering.  I remember I always used to feel better for the family if I heard that someone died after being sick for a long time, because I thought they wouldn't be nearly as sad as if the person had died suddenly.  How could I have been so wrong?  I can't deny that there was some relief when Hannah left for Heaven, because it was so clear she could no longer remain on this earth, but it did not lessen the grief we experienced when we lost her.

5.  I believed that parents who lost children experienced different levels of grief, depending upon what age the child was who died, how they died, and a variety of other factors.  It didn't take me long to discover how wrong I was on this one.  I've met many, many parents now who have lost children at all different ages and to all different causes, and one thing I've learned is that although our losses are all different, the pain is the same.  Grief is grief.  It all hurts.

6.  I believed that siblings did not suffer the intensity of grief that parents do upon the loss of a child.  You know, we always hear how resilient kids are ... how they can bounce back from a tragedy so easily.  Maybe the age of the sibling(s) makes a difference ... all I have personal knowledge of is a young teenage sibling ... but I was wrong on this one, too.  I think kids are sometimes better at hiding their grief than we are ... and I know some work very hard to hide their grief because they don't want to add to their parents' pain ... but their pain is deep and their suffering is real.

7.  I believed I would never forget all those little things about Hannah ... the sound of her voice, the music of her laugh, the tilt of her chin.  And I haven't, completely, but I have to say that some of those things are beginning to fade after nearly four years.  And it doesn't help that her appearance, her spirit, and even the sound of her voice, were so changed over the last year of her life by cancer.  Sometimes I long to dream about her, just to be reminded of all those things that made up who she was.  It used to really bother me that those memories were fading, but knowing that the next time I see Hannah she will be fully restored definitely helps.

8.  I believed I would never survive four days after Hannah's death, much less nearly four years.  Obviously, I was wrong about that.  It's so hard in those early days of grief to see past where you are ... I remember looking at other parents who had lost children years earlier and wondering how they could possibly even still be alive.  I could not imagine would it would be like to be one month out, six months out, a year out, five years out.  Now that I am one of those parents, all I can say is that it's only by the grace of God.

9.  I believed that bereaved parents were the scariest people around.  If I knew someone had lost a child, I avoided them at all costs.  If I saw them coming down the church hallway, I suddenly had to go to the bathroom.  If I ran into them at Walmart, I suddenly remembered something I needed on the other side of the store.  I had no idea what to say to these people.  Now that I am one of these people, there is no one else I'd rather spend time with.  I am drawn to moms and dads who have lost children like Santa is drawn to cookies.  We understand each other, and we have an instantaneous bond.  I love bereaved parents.  They are the most amazing people I know.

10.  When my daughter died, I believed my life would be impoverished from that point forward.  Of course, I knew intellectually that I would survive (in spite of #8 above), but I couldn't imagine how.  I resigned myself to a life far below what my expectations for it had been.  I mean, how could I ever really live again without my precious child?  Happily, I was wrong on this one, too.  I can honestly say, without qualification, that the last four years of my life have been the richest.  The incredible people I would never have met, the awesome experiences I never would have had, the inspiring stories I never would have heard ... now that would be true poverty!  Instead, I have had the privilege of witnessing the hand of God working in my own life and that of others.  It doesn't get any richer than that, folks.

So, there you go.  Ten Grief-Related Things I Had Completely Wrong.  I could actually probably do ten more on January 10th ... I clearly had a lot to learn.  Thankfully, my Father is a patient teacher.

Ten on the Tenth -- Surviving the Holidays After the Loss of a Child

Yes ... It's the 11th, I know ... Believe it or not, I actually started this post on the 9th, and I just now finished it!

At our While We're Waiting retreat last weekend, there were five couples who had yet to experience a holiday season without one of their precious children (or their only child), so, as you can imagine, this was a major topic of discussion.  My heart broke for these folks, knowing what they are facing in the months ahead.

I remember how I felt in September of 2009.  I did not want to live through the next three months, which included Hannah's 18th birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  I don't mean that I wanted to die (at least, not most of the time) ... I just didn't want to "live" those months.  Somehow, I just wanted to jump straight from September to January.  I just could not see how I was going to make it through those days.

Why are the holidays so incredibly hard for a family who's lost a child?  Several reasons ... Family gatherings magnify the absence of the child, holiday traditions that once brought joy are now fraught with pain and loss, tensions may arise among extended family members as everyone's emotions are raw, and Christmas shopping with one less person on the list is unspeakably painful.  There is a certain expectation of how we are supposed to feel and behave during the holiday season, and when you've lost a child, it can be difficult (if not impossible) to muster up the emotional stamina to play that role.  I can remember feeling like if one more person told me to have a "Happy Thanksgiving" or "Merry Christmas", I was gonna pop 'em in the nose.  Hey, I'm just keeping it real.

So, tonight I'm going to share a few things that we've found have worked for us over the last four years of celebrating the holidays without our girl.  Not that we've got it all figured out, or that we are able to breeze through the holidays now without difficulty.  And just because these things have worked for us, doesn't necessarily mean they'll work for other families.  Most of these things we've figured out through trial and error over the past few years; unfortunately, it seems that each family must go through that process for itself.  But, just maybe something I list here could help someone else with the process.

So, without further ado, here's this month's Ten on the Tenth ... Surviving the Holidays After the Loss of a Child.

1.  This is the one time in the life of your family that it's okay to be "selfish."  Please don't misunderstand me on this ... what I mean is, at this very vulnerable time, it is important to put the needs of your family first.  Extended family can pull you in many different directions, and that may be okay ... you may get a lot of comfort from spending time with extended family.  But you may also need to spend time focusing on just your immediate family, without the hustle and bustle of a large family gathering.  Maybe some of both is what you need.  The important thing is to figure out what will be best for your family, and do it.  Extended family members may or may not understand your needs ... but it's most important to put the needs of your immediately family first.

2.  Communicate!  Husbands and wives and surviving siblings need to talk to each other about what they want to do about the holidays.  We didn't do that on our first Thanksgiving without Hannah ... we just kind of went with the extended family flow without even discussing how we felt about it ... and it was a horrible day.  So before Christmas came around, the three of us spent a lot of time talking about how we were going to handle that day.  We came up with a plan ... and it went much better.

3.  For us, it worked well to follow Bethany's lead that first Christmas.  If it had just been Brad and I, we probably wouldn't have celebrated Christmas at all.  I know we would not have put up a Christmas tree, nor would we have done any decorating.  But we didn't want to take Christmas away from Bethany, so we let her tell us what she wanted to do, and we pretty much did that.  She wanted to keep some things the same, and she wanted to do some things differently.  For example, we had always had an artificial tree, and that year, she decided she wanted us to have a real tree.  And, you know, that helped.  Instead of the drudgery of digging out the box, bending all the branches into shape, and putting that old tree together, the three of us went out, picked out a real tree, brought it home, and put it up.  We also went out and bought a bunch of new ornaments, letting her pick most of them out.  We mixed those in with our older, more sentimental ornaments as we decorated the tree.  It made her happy, which in turn made it more bearable for us.

4.  Realize that extended family members probably do not understand what you're going through.  They want to understand, they're sincerely trying to understand, and they would do anything to make things better for you.  But they can't.  They don't live everyday with that empty bedroom and the empty chair at the supper table.  Their lives have gone on with relatively little change in day-to-day life.  But they love you and they are hurting too.  We can make the holidays easier by lowering our expectations of them, and by extending them grace when they say or do the wrong things.  Because, most likely, they will ... but they can't help it.

5.  Keep the holidays separate.  In our culture today, it seems that we basically celebrate "Hallowsgivingmas" ... running Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all together into one big three-month long observance.  You've seen the Christmas trees up in Walmart before Halloween is over ... We all have!  Ugh!  I've always hated that, but I really started hating it that first holiday season after Hannah went to Heaven.  I could only handle one holiday at a time emotionally.  It took every ounce of my emotional stamina to make it through Thanksgiving ... no way could I even think about Christmas at that point.  I needed time to recover and build my strength back up before I could prepare for Christmas.  I used to like to set the Christmas tree up on Thanksgiving afternoon or at least that weekend.  Not anymore.  I want a very clear division between my holidays, and I know that is a result of that first year without Hannah.

6.  Do something to include your child in your holiday celebration.  That first year, we asked our extended family members on the Sullivan side to write down in a card something they had done that year in Hannah's memory (such as making a donation to a charity, or sharing her story with someone who needed encouragement).  After all the presents had been opened and the Christmas chaos had settled down a bit, that stack of cards was pulled out from under the tree, opened one-by-one, and read aloud by Bethany.  It was a way of including Hannah in our celebration ... almost as if we were giving her presents.  Now, we have two Christmas trees at home, one decorated with our usual ornaments, and one covered with "JOY" ornaments, in memory of Hannah "Our Joy."  All year long, I delight in finding "JOY" items to add to it.  Knowing that we've got that tree to decorate gives me a reason to actually look forward to digging out the Christmas stuff once again.

7.  One of the hardest things about Christmas is having one less person to buy gifts for.  It can be so incredibly painful to walk into the stores and walk past all those things that would make such perfect gifts for your son or daughter who is no longer here.  Well, how about this idea?  Go ahead and buy some of those gifts, then donate them to your church nursery or to an Angel Tree child.  Hang up your child's Christmas stocking and fill it up with small gifts, then put those gifts in an Operation Christmas Child box and have it sent to a child on the other side of the world.  Doing something like this may help ease some of the pain related to the shopping aspect of Christmas.

8.  You can't run away from the pain.  Some families choose to get away for the holidays ... maybe going on a trip to a tropical destination or a heading to the mountains.  And sometimes doing something completely different like that can indeed help.  But just keep in mind that the pain will follow.  We can hide from it, we can run from it, we can pretend to ignore it ... but eventually, we must go through it.  Sometimes facing it head on is the best thing to do.

9.  Be patient with yourself.  You have suffered a terrible, devastating loss, and you are not only affected emotionally by it, you are affected physically, as well.  This is one holiday season when you don't need to feel like you have to "do it all."  I think we women are especially vulnerable to this ... we feel that we have to please everyone ... we have to cook, clean, shop, decorate, wrap, send cards, sing in the Christmas cantata, and keep a smile on our face while we do it all.  Don't do that to yourself.  Simplify.  If you don't have the energy to haul out all those boxes of decorations ... don't.  If you can't muster up the strength to fight the crowds at the grocery store and cook a big dinner ... call a caterer or a local restaurant and have them prepare the holiday meal for you.  Or let someone else in the family take care of all the cooking this year.  If you don't have the stamina to go to all those holiday parties and events ... don't feel like you have to.  Take the time you need for yourself and your family.  And be sure to get adequate rest ... I discovered early on that my grief was much harder to handle when I was fatigued.  And then I was really no good to anybody, especially my family.

10.  Take time to focus on what these holidays are really all about.  Thanksgiving was really tough for me that first year.  I'm so glad that for once, we didn't go around the table and all have to say what we were thankful for.  I'm really not sure I could have come up with anything that first year.  In fact, I probably would've left the table.  Again, I'm just keeping it real.  But, now that I can think more clearly, I can see that, even though my oldest daughter is not here with me, there is still so much to be thankful for ... the years we had with her, the fact that she is eternally healed in Heaven, and the knowledge that I will get to spend eternity with her.  And that's in addition to the day-to-day blessings I receive from my Heavenly Father.  And Christmas!  Christmas is everything!  I mean, where would we be if God had not sent His own Son, knowing full well that He was going to die a horrible, painful death on the cross?  Christmas is the source of all joy ... and the whole reason why we will be reunited with our children again if both we and they have accepted the gift of Jesus Christ.  Remembering that is how we survive Christmas!

I'll leave you with one final word of encouragement.  It gets better.  This will be our fourth holiday season since Hannah went to be with Jesus, and each one has gotten easier.  And I've come to believe that if you consciously apply yourself to seeking out the joy in the season (though it may seem so hard to find at times), God will honor that effort by bringing healing to your life.  These are His holidays, after all, and we honor Him by honoring them.