Family Portrait

Tonight we will be having a new family portrait made for our church directory. Ugh. This is not a task I am looking forward to. As a matter of fact, I think we would skip it entirely, if it were not for the repeated reminders from the church in the form of bulletin reminders, emails, and recorded phone messages that "time is running out" if we want to be included in the directory. We've put it off until almost the final day of the final week. It's not that we don't want our family represented in the church directory...we do...it's just the thought of having a family portrait taken without Hannah.

The three of us have had our picture taken together lots of times since Hannah's been in Heaven...just casual photographs spontaneously taken here and there. But this is different. It's a "portrait", not just a picture, and we've got to decide what we're going to wear, drive to the church, wait in straight-backed chairs for our family's turn, do multiple poses for a photographer, and then probably listen to a sales pitch. Just the three of us.

Hannah had some very OCD tendencies sometimes...and one of them was that she hated odd numbers. When she adjusted the volume on the car radio, she always set it at an even number. One time I asked her why it even mattered, since the volume number display disappeared a few seconds after it was adjusted, and it couldn't even be seen anymore. She laughed and said, "I don't know...It just matters to me." She was always a good sport about her obsessive-compulsiveness, and often laughed at herself. And even now, when I adjust the volume on the radio...yes, I always put it at an even number and smile to myself.

So tonight, it will feel strange when our odd-numbered family smiles for the photographer. It will feel so incomplete, somehow. But...thank God...even as we face this glaring reminder of Hannah's absence in our family's life, we know that it is just a matter of time until our family is reunited. We are still "The Sullivan Four"...we're just separated for a little while.

If God Is Good... (Part 4)

OK...We've had a little deviation from this topic for a few weeks now, but I really want to get back to it. Just a reminder...much of what I'll be sharing comes from Randy Alcorn's book, "If God Is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil."

Since our experience with Hannah's cancer and ultimate homegoing, I've been very interested in the subject of suffering, particularly as it pertains to Christians. I think that as Christians, we often assume that if we "do everything right", we should be immune from suffering and hard times. God should see all the good things we are doing...going to church, giving our tithe, reading our Bibles, praying for missionaries...and exempt us from pain and heartache. But I think most of us have figured out by now that it doesn't really work that way. So how do we keep our faith from falling apart like a cheap lawn chair when suffering or tragedy comes our way?

I think one way to keep that from happening is to prepare for suffering ahead of time. When I learned how to scuba dive, I spent a great deal of time in a classroom, watching videos, reading manuals, and learning how to use the equipment before I ever did a Jacques Cousteau off the side of a boat. And breathing through a regulator under water (a totally unnatural feeling) was completely different than breathing through a regulator in my classroom at the Scuba Doo Dive Shop. Without the prior preparation, it would have been easy to panic when taking that first breath underwater. But because I had been prepared, I was able to relax and survive that first diving experience. In the same way, spending some time consciously preparing for the suffering that will inevitably come into our lives enables us to survive it when it comes.

So how do we prepare for unknown future events? Randy devotes many, many pages to the importance of our worldview. I love what he says about God's omniscience: "God knows everything, including every contingency, and He knows what is ultimately best in ways we cannot. God can see ultimate purposes and plans that we can't. He can know it is better for someone to die now rather than later: "The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil" (Isaiah 57:1). We have no way of knowing, for instance, whether a disability might be used to cultivate personal qualities that would more profoundly honor God and bring the person greater eternal reward in Heaven. Because God knows all things in the past, present, and future, God is uniquely qualified to know when to ordain or permit evil and suffering and when not to."

For me, just knowing that God is fully cognizant of the big picture and that He is constantly working our His purposes is a huge help to me in understanding suffering and its purpose. We would never, ever have chosen for Hannah to die now rather than later...but in His total omniscience, that was His plan for her. Knowing that, and fully understanding that truth, makes it easier to face the continued pain of her physical absence in our home.

More to come on "If God Is Good..." in another post. That's enough on that topic for tonight.

Now a little housekeeping...You might notice a couple of additions to the blog. Just under the picture of our family in the road, there is now a place you can click if you would like to get additional information about how to schedule one of us or all three of us to come share at your church, Sunday School class, ladies' group, men's group, youth group, etc. And I've also added a link on the top of the right hand column where you can subscribe to my blog via email. To be totally honest, I'm not really sure what happens if you subscribe...you'll either get an email with the full text of my latest post, or an email letting you know that I've added a post to the blog. I subscribed myself, so I guess I'll find out after I publish this post! Anyway, a couple of people had asked for that, and I just now figured out how to add it. Hopefully it will work! I really do appreciate everyone who takes the time to read what I write...I always pray that God will somehow speak through me to meet a need in someone's life.

Changes

Today I'm blogging from Hannah's bedroom. Well, actually, it's no longer Hannah's bedroom, because her bed is no longer here. For quite some time, we've been wanting to do some changing around in our house, and this past weekend, we finally did it.

For Hannah's 17th birthday, her big present from us was all new bedding...a beautiful white comforter with small black flowers, and all the pillows and stuff to go with it. She and I had shopped for it together and had lots of fun picking it out. She was really excited about it! Brad and I knew she would potentially be spending a lot of time in her bed in the months ahead and we wanted her to be comfortable and surrounded by things she loved. Her bed had a beautiful cherry headboard and footboard that we had bought several years ago for $100 from some friends who were moving, and she also had a nice dresser and bedside table. When she went to Heaven four months after her birthday, we basically just shut the door to her bedroom and left it as it was. Back on August 29, 2009, I wrote a post all about her room, closing by saying that we wanted to make "something special out of this room...a quiet, peaceful, inviting kind of room, a place where you can study your Bible, or spend some time with the Lord. I'm ready to open the shades, let the sun shine in, and keep the door of this room open again. But I'm not sure how to do it yet...we're still waiting for God's timing."

Well, apparently God's timing was this past weekend! For some time, we've been talking about moving Hannah's queen size bed into Bethany's room to replace her full size bed. Bethany has gotten so tall, she could really use that bigger bed! So we finally decided to do it. And, of course, if Bethany was going to get Hannah's bed with the nice headboard and footboard, she needed to get the matching dresser and bedside table as well.

So the process began last Thursday evening (which also just happened to be exactly 1 year and 5 months from the last time Hannah was in her room), with me removing all of Hannah's "stuff" from her dresser and table. The drawers of her bedside table were full of notes she had taken during youth group meetings and church services. There were also letters from her friend, Brittany, and some notes she had apparently passed back and forth during class. There was a jar of money, some stale candy, school schedules, and lots of cheap jewelry. On top of the table was her Bible, and some other keepsakes. I carefully went through all these items and kept everything that had her personal touch on it, placing them in a beautiful, black and white fabric-covered box. Some tough decisions had to be made...I can't keep every piece of paper she ever wrote on, or every pair of earrings she ever wore. I tried to choose just those things that were special...a particular item of jewelry that she wore a lot, or papers that included personal notes or doodling. I must admit that it was hard to think of all of Hannah's "stuff" being reduced to a box.

After the bedside table was empty, I moved on to the dresser. I opened up her top drawer, which contained all her "unmentionables", and was immediately flooded by the memories. How many times had I washed and folded those items...probably even grumbling about having to do so much laundry...and now I hadn't even seen them in so long! I managed to shut off my brain for awhile and removed all these things from the drawer, placing them in a trash bag. What else do you do with this kind of stuff? I can't imagine donating a bunch of used undergarments to anyone (although I remember when the Clintons did it!)...but I haven't been able to bring myself to take that trash bag to the dump yet. It's still sitting there, just waiting. I'm not sure yet what's going to happen to it.

The second drawer was her blue jean drawer, and it was almost completely empty...because I actually took over some of her jeans for myself several months ago, and I had passed several pairs down to Hannah's cousins. There was only one pair of jeans left in there...her favorite pair, with heart-shaped stitching on the back pockets. I folded them up and put them on a shelf in her closet. Those are not going in a trash bag. Done with that drawer!

The next two drawers were overflowing with T-shirts...Magnet Cove Panthers basketball, student council, FBLA, science club, American Idol, Odyssey of the Mind, Disciple Now, Arkansas Children's Hospital, junior high band, all-region choir, church camp...She had tons of T-shirts. And she rarely wore any of them. She preferred to wear "cute" tops. I have a plan for these shirts, though...I went through and pulled out all the special ones, and I am going to have a quilt made out of them. I am really excited about that! When it's finished...and I'm sure it's going to be awhile...I'll post a picture!

The bottom drawer of her dresser was filled with pajama pants. She loved pajama pants, and she received lots of them as gifts during her illness. Lots and lots of them. Many of them have not even been worn, and I have put them in a trash bag as well, but they will be donated...maybe to a women's shelter that our church is in the process of forming.

So we got all of that done on Thursday night...and on Friday morning, we started painting Bethany's room. Painting was a necessity because her blue and brown walls would clash terribly with Hannah's white and black bedspread. She chose a very bright turquoise color for her room, and after two coats, it looked great. We moved Hannah's bed and furniture into her room that evening, and it was beautiful! She moved all of her things from her little-girl looking white furniture into Hannah's furniture, and the transformation was incredible. Her "little girl" room is gone...it's now a young lady's room. She couldn't be more pleased. Check it out!



That evening, with all the furniture now gone, I had the extremely difficult task of sweeping out Hannah's room. Remember, the door has been closed and the room untouched for almost a year and a half. As I moved the broom around the room, I of course swept up a lot of dust, but along with the dust was a lot of hair...Hannah's hair. I had an irrational desire to keep that pile of dust and hair, just because it was a connection to Hannah, but after some hesitation, I vacuumed it up. I actually do have a whole bag full of Hannah's hair in my closet...I kept it when we shaved it off during her second round of radiation treatments, thinking maybe we could somehow make a wig out of it for her. But it was too dry and brittle to be of any use. I've never even looked in that bag since that day...but I always know in the back of my mind that I have it.

After sweeping out the room and closing the closet doors (the closet is still full of her clothes and stuff...just couldn't do that yet...I'm just going to keep those doors closed for awhile), Brad and I moved our desk in here and set it right in front of the window. This is the view I now have as I sit and write...

I'm not going to take any other pictures of the room yet...it's still a work in progress. I'm looking for a comfy chaise lounge type chair to put in here along with a nice set of shelves. We're going to keep Hannah's academic awards hanging on the wall where she put them, and her bulletin board is still up with all the stuff she stuck on it. We're planning to mount a hook on the wall and hang her letter jacket on it. On one entire wall, we hung a Disciple Now '07 banner that was signed by the members of Hannah's youth group after she went to Heaven. So there is still a lot of Hannah in this room, and it feels really good to be in here. I love that there is life and light in this room again!

"For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light, we see light." Psalm 36:9

Time in Tennessee

Before I talk about the weekend, I just have one thing to say....

WE HAVE HIGH SPEED INTERNET!

Yes, I realize it's 2010 and most people have had high speed internet for a long time. We, however, live in the country, and have only had two choices...dial-up or satellite...for internet. We did dial-up for awhile, and when we just couldn't stand it anymore, we got satellite internet. Well, it never was all it was cracked up to be, especially considering the price we were paying. It was not much faster than dial-up, and during high traffic times (pretty much anytime we wanted to be online) it would slow to a crawl. Watching YouTube videos, looking at pictures posted on Facebook, blog-surfing...forget it! It wasn't worth the time investment! Then we began hearing that some of our neighbors were getting AT&T U-Verse internet service and we checked into it. We made several phone calls to AT&T and were repeatedly told that high speed internet wasn't available in our area. We finally got connected with a local AT&T rep, who was able to get us set up today. I am far too excited about this....I'm not sure this is healthy!

Anyway, back to our trip to Tennessee this past weekend. We left on Thursday and drove to Nashville, where we had dinner with Bruce & Lisa Wethey. They are incredibly talented musicians who travel around the country leading worship in various venues. Check out their website at www.bruceandlisa.com! They came to our church back in November of 2008, and we met them at that time. Lisa had been diagnosed with a non-malignant brain tumor several years earlier, and she shared her story as they performed at our church that evening. Of course, it was of great interest to us, as Hannah was in the middle of her battle with glioblastoma at that time. Lisa was about to start radiation treatments at that time, and Hannah had already been through two rounds of radiation treatments, so we visited quite a while that evening. They continued to follow our journey through our emails. They came back and performed at our church a few weeks ago, and we had another opportunity to visit with them and get caught up on all that had happened since we had last seen them. Since we were planning a trip to Knoxville, we made plans to get together on the way. We ended up having dinner with them, and then sitting in our hotel lobby with them for a couple of hours. We really enjoyed our visit with them.

The next day, we traveled on to Knoxville, where we met up with some old friends of ours, Lindy & Crystal Apon. Back when we lived in Fort Smith, Lindy was the youth minister at our church and we became good friends with him and his family. Their son and Hannah used to play together a lot when they were preschoolers. We moved from Fort Smith about fifteen years ago, when Bethany was a newborn, and we had not seen them since then. It was great to get re-acquainted with them. We played frisbee golf, went whitewater rafting, played ping pong (well, at least Bethany and Brad did), and learned some new card games. Lindy is now the pastor at Parkway Baptist Church in Knoxville, and we had the great privilege of sharing our testimony there on Sunday morning. It's amazing how wherever you go, the body of Christ is there!

The main thing we came away from this weekend with was an increased desire to share our testimony of God's goodness and grace through the storms of life. Up until now, we have accepted speaking opportunities that have been offered to us, but have really not actively pursued them. We believe that God is calling us to be more intentional in seeking opportunities to share. We don't know really what that's going to look like--we have demanding jobs and a very active teenage daughter--but we want to be obedient to His call. We're beginning to work on a few projects...a website, informational materials, etc...and we'd appreciate your prayers as we seek to follow His leadership in this area. We are excited to see what God has in store for us in the days ahead!

Fun With the Sullivan Family

Tonight, I'm going to take a break from the "If God is Good" posts and share some of the fun our family had over the 4th of July weekend. Over the past several years, Brad's parents have hosted what they call "G & G Camp" (Grandma & Grandpa Camp) for their grandchildren, who all happen to be girls! They've done lots of fun things over the years, including horseback riding, kayaking, visiting museums, exploring caves, rock climbing...you name it, they've done it! This year, we parents were invited too, and we spent the weekend at a ranch/resort just outside of Dallas.

We all traveled to Texas from our various locations, and our first stop was the new Cowboy stadium in Arlington. We got a wonderful tour of this amazing facility, and had lots of fun taking pictures while we were there...

Here are the cousins taking in the view (the youngest cousin, Faith, didn't get to take the tour with us)...

And here they are pretending to be VIPs in the box seats...

And posing by the NFL logo...

And, of course, posing as Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in their locker room!

And the Dads had to get in on the act in the players' locker room...

After the tour, we traveled the rest of the way to the ranch, where we met up with Brad's sister, her husband, and their sweet little girl, Faith. We don't get to see her very often, because they live in Waco, so we really enjoyed our time with her. Here she is checking out the pool...

Playing with a new toy...

And hanging out with her oldest cousin, Bethany...

We really didn't do much after we got to the ranch...other than a trip to the grocery store, we didn't even leave. We basically just hung out by the pool, grilled burgers, and played games. We had our first-ever Sullivan family Bunco tournament, and enjoyed playing Apples to Apples and Phase 10.

Hannah would have absolutely loved every minute of it. There was nothing she enjoyed more than spending time with her family. She was the oldest cousin, and thought her younger cousins were hilarious...even when they weren't trying to be. She would love playing with Faith, who was born just two months before she went to Heaven. She always loved playing games, although we never could figure out why, because she almost always lost. And while we were there, I missed her constantly, and kept feeling like she should be there...but it wasn't an unbearable weight. We shared many fond remembrances of her while we visited...and it was okay.

I dreamed about her last night. That's only the second time I've dreamed about her since she died. Most of it is pretty hazy...Someone (maybe Bethany) was shouting, "Hannah's back! She's here and she's fine!" And I ran into her room and she was sitting cross-legged on her bed and smiling. Her hair was thick and curly and she was stunningly beautiful. We hugged and talked and laughed. I have no idea what we talked about, but I could "hear" her voice and her laugh, and I was amazed that she sounded just like she did before she got sick. There was an undescribably glowing peace upon her, and my clearest memory from this dream is the unspeakable joy I felt at seeing her so healthy and whole. When I first woke up this morning, I didn't even remember the dream right away...it just suddenly came back to me mid-morning. At first it made me sad, because I wanted so badly for it to not be a dream...but then I was reminded that she is healthy and whole and beautiful and peaceful. My joy at seeing her again is simply postponed. And that joy will just be that much sweeter after this time apart!

If God Is Good... (Part 3)

More thoughts from Randy Alcorn's book "If God is Good..." tonight:

Randy says that most of us don't give much thought to evil and suffering until we experience them ourselves. That was definitely true for me. Before our lives were turned upside down by Hannah's cancer, it seemed like those kinds of catastrophes only happened to "other people". But, Randy points out that if we don't spend some time contemplating our response to suffering before it happens, we will be forced to "formulate perspective on the fly, at a time when our thinking is muddled and we're exhausted and consumed by pressing issues."

Consider these differing perspectives on suffering. A friend of Randy's shared this story:

"When I was admitted to the hospital in sepsis with a 50/50 chance of survival, I asked the chaplain how we could believe that God is love, when this felt like the antithesis of love. I said I wouldn't inflict this much suffering on someone I hated, let alone someone I loved. She told me she would "look it up," then left my room and never came back. I posed the same question to the social worker who came to visit me a few days later. She told me that God's like a giant and we're like little ants, and sometimes He accidentally steps on our ant hills and some of us get hurt. She said our suffering is random and God's probably not even aware of it."

Wow. Where is the hope in that? Why even bother?

Contrast that story with this one. In May 2000, James Montgomery Boice, pastor of a large church in Philadelphia, shared with his congregation that he'd been diagnosed with liver cancer. Here's what he told them:

"Should you pray for a miracle? Well, you're free to do that, of course. My general impression is that the God who is able to do miracles--and He certainly can--is also able to keep you from getting the problem in the first place. So although miracles do happen, they're rare by definition.... Above all, I would say pray for the glory of God. If you think of God glorifying Himself in history and you say, where in all of history has God most glorified Himself? He did it at the cross of Jesus Christ, and it wasn't by delivering Jesus from the cross, though He could have.... God is in charge. When things like this come into our lives, they are not accidental. It's not as if God somehow forgot what was going on, and something bad slipped by.... God is not only the one who is in charge; God is also good. Everything He does is good.... If God does something in your life, would you change it? If you'd change it, you'd make it worse. It wouldn't be as good."

Eight weeks later, Pastor Boice stepped into Heaven. I love his perspective. There's nothing left for me to add.

If God is Good... (Part 2)

This is the book I'll be referring to a lot in the next couple of posts. As I said last time, I'm no theologian, so I'm happy to defer to Randy Alcorn on most of what I'll be sharing. I want to be sure it's clear that these thoughts are not original with me. Some of what he says is hard to hear, but I think there's real value in it.

A Barna poll asked, "If you could ask God only one question and you knew He would give you an answer, what would you ask?" The most common response was, "Why is there pain and suffering in the world?" John Stott says, "The fact of suffering undoubtedly constitutes the single greatest challenge to the Christian faith, and has been in every generation. Its distribution and degree appear to be entirely random and therefore unfair. Sensitive spirits ask if it can possibly be reconciled with God's justice and love." The problem of evil in the world is sometimes used as the "ultimate trump card" to argue against the Christian faith. Atheists often use this argument to "prove" that God does not exist.

Now here's the statement from Randy (I think I've read enough of his books to be on a first-name basis with him!) that really struck me: A faith that leaves us unprepared for suffering is a faith that deserves to be lost. He quotes John Piper: "Wimpy worldviews make wimpy Christians. And wimpy Christians won't survive the days ahead." Then he quotes Auschwitz survivor Viktor Frankl: "Just as the small fire is extinguished by the storm whereas a large fire is enhanced by it, likewise a weak faith is weakened by predicaments and catastrophes whereas a strong faith is strengthened by them." He says that when people lose their faith because of suffering, it's usually a weak or nominal faith that doesn't account for or prepare them for evil or suffering, and that any faith not based on the truth needs to be lost.

Here come the big guns....He says, "If you base your faith on lack of affliction, your faith lives on the brink of extinction and will fall apart because of a frightening diagnosis or a shattering phone call. Token faith will not survive suffering, nor should it. Losing your faith may be God's gift to you. Only when you jettison ungrounded and untrue faith can you replace it with valid faith in the true God--faith that can pass, and even find strength in, the most formidable of life's tests."

Whew! Food for thought, huh? That's enough for one night...More to follow on another day.

If God Is Good...

On the day we found out Hannah had a brain tumor, I sent an email to a few close friends and family members letting them know the news and requesting prayer for our family. This email was the first of over one hundred that were sent out during her year-long battle with cancer. (See "Hannah's Story in Emails" over in the right-hand column.) These emails were forwarded many times over, resulting in prayer for our family literally around the world. I always closed my emails with the words "God is good, all the time". I believed those words then, and I still believe them now.

So I was intrigued when I found a book by Randy Alcorn titled "If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil". I am an avid reader, and Randy Alcorn is one of my favorite authors ever. He's written several excellent fiction books including "Deadline", "Dominion", and my personal favorite, "Safely Home". In his fiction works, there is always at least one character who dies, but whose story is continued from their perspective in Heaven. Fascinating stuff. He's also written several non-fiction books, including "Heaven", which can only be described as a tome. It's extremely well-researched, very deep theologically, and extremely long. I started reading it when Hannah entered hospice care, and just couldn't get through it all. There's a much more manageable version called "Fifty Days of Heaven", which is basically the same book divided into fifty daily readings. Brad and I both read it in the days after Hannah's death, and he is currently re-reading it. There's also a version called "Heaven for Kids", which is fantastic for children who are seeking an understanding of Heaven. Bethany and her cousins read it after Hannah went to Heaven, and I think it was really helpful for them.

So back to "If God is Good". Before Hannah's illness, I was so very insulated from the pain in the world. One visit to the Hematology/Oncology clinic at Arkansas Children's Hospital ended that. During our year there, we met so many suffering children and families. And as I follow Jedidiah Harper's cancer journey (see "Harper House--Jedidiah's Testimony" in the column on the right), I am amazed that I don't know any of the people Jed's mom has met since they've been going there. That can only mean that many, many more families have started their own cancer journeys over the past year and four months...and many others' journeys have ended. If God is good...why do children get cancer?

A couple of weeks ago a sudden heavy rainstorm hit southwest Arkansas in the middle of the night, just a couple of counties over from where we live. It resulted in a flash flood which swept like lightning through a popular camping area, washing away twenty lives along with it. Many of those lost were children, and some families lost multiple members. It took several days for all the victims to be found, as their families waited in agony. If God is good...how could lives be torn apart in this way?

We were at the Gulf Coast a few weeks ago and visited with several people whose way of life is about to be dramatically changed by the oil spill. Their livelihood, their future, their very identities are intimately tied to what happens to in the Gulf. If God is good...how could He allow a disaster of this magnitude to continue unabated?

There are so many more examples. If God is good...how can He sit back while people in Haiti suffer; how can He allow young men and women to be killed in Iraq and Afghanistan; how can people suffer from incurable diseases like ALS and multiple sclerosis; how can terrorists strap on bombs and detonate them in crowded marketplaces?

I don't have the answers to these questions, but this is the topic that Randy Alcorn addresses in his book. And over my next several posts, I want to share with you what I'm learning as I've been reading his book. I'm no theologian--not by a long shot--but what he says rings true to me, and hopefully it will be of help to you as you face whatever your personal storm happens to be. Stay tuned...

Thoughts on Cancer, Death, and Heaven

What a morbid title this would be for a post...if not for that last word, right? It's that last word that makes the other two words bearable.

Yesterday afternoon I visited two ladies who are very close to Heaven. Both of them have been a part of the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry over the last year, and both of them have been encouragement to so many people, in spite of (or maybe because of) their illness. One of these ladies said to me yesterday, "You definitely chose the right name for the cancer ministry...If we didn't have hope, where would we be? That hope has really been my anchor." What a testimony from someone who is facing imminent death, unless God should choose to perform a miraculous healing in her life.

While I was visiting these two precious ladies, Brad was visiting a family in our community who had just lost a husband/father to glioblastoma, the same kind of cancer Hannah had. This man had lived almost two and a half years with this disease, practically an eternity in glioblastoma time. He had his initial brain surgery the same day that Hannah experienced her first symptoms, Valentine's Day of 2008. One of his daughters, a former classmate of Hannah's, once asked Hannah at school if she was scared about her cancer, and Hannah replied that no, she wasn't. Her mom told Brad that this simple statement from Hannah had really been an encouragement to her daughter as she watched her father battle the same cancer. This gentleman kept a picture of Hannah in his workshop, and now he has joined her in Heaven.

Last night was our Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry support group meeting, and we had a couple of new members there. One was a dear, sweet lady who shared how she was diagnosed with liver cancer and was told by her doctor that she was "terminal." She said that was fine with her...she'd just get to see Jesus sooner. As soon as she came home from the hospital after surgery, she began giving away all of her belongings...her car, her clothes, her furniture...figuring she wouldn't need them anymore. That was almost two years ago. She went on to share about how she witnesses to everyone around her at every doctor's appointment and every scan. One of the other members of the group remarked that apparently God had lots more people for her to witness to!

The other new lady who was there is a multiple-year breast cancer survivor, and made this statement, "Cancer is the 'best worst' thing that ever happened to me." She went on to explain how having cancer had completely changed her life, for the better. She also shared how her own mother had lived for 23 years following a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and a prognosis of three weeks to three months to live. Her one regret was that she was not with her mother when she died...she was on a mission trip and was unable to get home.

On the way home from our meeting, I thought about some regrets I have surrounding Hannah's death. I can honestly say (and I am so happy to be able to say) that I have no regrets about her life...we had a wonderful family life and have so many great memories of time spent together. There's nothing I would go back and change about the life we had together. There are some regrets I have about the last year of her life, though. I regret that for a long time we really didn't understand how very sick she was...that we made her go to school, even when she didn't feel well (although she was the one who insisted on going most of the time). I regret that we never had any deep conversations about what she was thinking and feeling as her health deteriorated. She was a very private person and never was one to share her feelings, and we were also very careful never to let her think that we had "given up" on her healing. By the time it became apparent that her healing could only come from a miracle, she was unable to have that conversation anymore. I regret that I didn't spend more time just lying in bed with her and holding her in those last days--even though she was 17 years old. In my head I know that she wouldn't have liked that, though...she liked her personal space, and didn't even like to be rocked as a baby. And I regret that she suffered unnecessary discomfort in her last 48 hours due to an oversight by the nursing staff at the hospice center.

But...these things that seem to be such a big deal to me are nothing...nothing!...to her. When I do find my mind drifting toward these things, I can almost hear her saying, "C'mon, Mom, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm great!" And she is. I recently downloaded a song by Mandisa (a former American Idol contestant...Hannah could tell you which season) called "You Wouldn't Cry". Take a look at the lyrics as you consider the awesomeness (is that a word?) of Heaven for a moment:

All you saw was pain

All you saw was rain

But you should see me now

Moments filled with tears

Lasted all those years

Disappeared somehow

You never said goodbye

On your knees you cry

You're still asking why, but

Blue has never been bluer

True has never been truer

Honey never tasted so sweet

There's a song in the breeze

A million voices in praise

A rose has never smelled redder

The sun has never been brighter

If I could find the right words to say

If you could look at my face

If you could just see this place

You wouldn't cry for me today

What you think you see

Isn't really me

I'm already home

You've got to lay it down

'Cause Jesus holds me now

And I am not alone

Your faith is wearing thin

But I am watching Him

And He's holding you, too

What may see like years will just be a moment

Oh, the day will come

When I'll show you where you're going

I can't wait to show you that

Blue has never been bluer

True has never been truer

Honey never tasted so sweet

There's a song in the breeze

A million voices in praise

A rose has never smelled redder

The sun has never been brighter

If I could find the right words to say

If you could look at my face

If you could just see this place

You wouldn't cry for me today.

We were really very blessed that we knew Hannah's death was approaching. Even though she couldn't talk back to us, we were able to tell her good-bye and how much we loved her. I can't imagine the pain for those who don't have the privilege to have those kind of last moments with their loved ones. All I do know is that in Heaven, God will make everything right again, and until then, He is holding us in His hands. He truly is our Anchor of Hope!

Stained glass window from Oyster Bay Baptist Church in Gulf Shores, Alabama, where we shared our testimony on June 6th

A Weekend of Reunions

We spent last weekend in southern Arkansas...El Dorado, to be exact...attending Brad's 25th high school reunion. Brad grew up there, and our family lived there for 4 1/2 years. El Dorado sometimes gets a bad rap, and it does have its share of problems (as does any city), but we enjoyed living there, and really have some great memories of our time there. The kids were the perfect ages at that time...between toddlerhood and tweenhood...and they have always considered El Dorado as the place "they grew up". (Even though they were only 12 and 9 when we left there!)

There are some really nice things about El Dorado (correctly pronounced "Elduhrayduh"...all one word!). My personal favorite is the Spudnuts! Ordinarily, I wouldn't give you a nickel for a plain glazed donut...add a little chocolate and a few sprinkles and we'll talk...but Spudnuts are like no other donut you've ever tasted. A hot Spudnut will absolutely melt in your mouth. So, of course, we had to get some while we were there. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that we got two dozen! Well, we had to have enough for Saturday morning and Sunday morning....

El Dorado is known as "Arkansas' Original Boom Town" because of its history of oil production. The town square is decorated with barrels, painted and shaped in all kinds of fun designs.

They even have working telephone booths! Here's Bethany pretending she's starring in the Matrix...

But, back to the reunions. We attended El Dorado Class of 1985 events on Friday night and a good part of the day and evening on Saturday. I was relegated to this status...

...which I didn't mind a bit! I know a lot of Brad's classmates since we lived there for so long, and it was nice getting caught up with them. Some of them I hadn't met, though, and it was interesting (and humbling) to see their faces light up with recognition as they said, "You're Hannah's Mom!" I was amazed at how many people had been praying for us...even from as far away as South Africa! The family of God is everywhere!

We had another reunion, of sorts, while we were in El Dorado. We had the opportunity to share our testimony at St. Paul United Methodist, the church Brad attended from birth until he went to college. Again, it was great to see some folks we had not seen for many years and it was humbling to talk to all the people who had prayed for us during our cancer journey. Several of Brad's former classmates attended the service as well, which made it even more special.

After church, we had another reunion...this time with three of Hannah's former classmates. These three girls were Hannah's best friends when we lived in El Dorado, and their friendship truly stood the test of time. These girls came to visit her when she was sick, and even came to see her at the hospice center, when she was barely even able to communicate with them anymore. I thought that was extremely brave of them...I don't think I could have done it. These three girls graduated from high school this year, and are all going off to different colleges, one in Arkansas, one in Tennessee, and one in Texas. I couldn't help but wonder if it would be the last time we would be with all three of these girls together. And I couldn't help but think about how much Hannah would have enjoyed visiting with them.

Our final "reunion" of the weekend was with our old house. As we always do when we're in El Dorado, we drove past all of our old stomping grounds and took some pictures. We took a couple pictures of our old house, drove around the block, and as we drove back past the house, we were waved down by the current homeowner. We obediently pulled over and opened the car window. The gentleman was actually quite angry and wanted to know why we were taking pictures of his house. We explained to him who we were, and were relieved when recognition dawned on his face. He then asked us if we wanted to come in and see the inside of the house. My initial reaction was to shake my head (I'm an avoider, remember?), but Brad and Bethany enthusiastically said, "Yes!" So we all piled out of the car and went into the house. And it was like stepping into a time warp...other than the furniture, nothing had changed. Paint colors, wallpaper, borders, the backyard...it was all the same. I even noticed a couple of thumbtacks I had used to hang up some of the girls' school papers in the sunroom...still there. It was like we had never left. As Bethany explained to the homeowners how she and Hannah used to talk to each other through the vents in their floors when we sent them to their rooms for misbehavior, I floated through the memories that still clung to everything in that house. By the time we left, I was having a hard time holding it together, and all three of us lost it when we got into the car.

Our comfort is found, though, in John 14: 2-3: "In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also." As much as we miss living in our earthly house with Hannah, we will be able to spend eternity in the Father's house with her! And it's going to be so much better than we can even imagine! Now that is a reunion I am looking forward to!

Vacation Ramblings...

On our way to the beach last week, we had the unique opportunity to be interviewed on a Gulf Shores talk radio station. The night before we left, we made all the arrangements...the talk show host would call my cell phone at 8:00 in the morning. Since we were leaving home at 5:00 a.m., we knew we'd have plenty of time to prepare on the way. Everything was going along fine until it was about time to get the call, and we realized that we had absolutely no cell phone service. At that particular time, we were traveling through the delta of Louisiana, and were going through the tiny community of Transylvania. Who knew there was even such a place as Transylvania, Louisiana?

We kept rolling down the highway, and as soon as we detected the tiniest bit of a signal, we pulled off the road and called in to the station. We finally were able to start the interview (it was about 8:15 by this time) and although we lost our signal a couple of times, we managed to get through it. Bethany and Kristin had been asleep in the back seat, and when the motion of the car stopped and they heard us talking loudly on the phone, they woke up. You know how teenage girls (and sometimes even adult women) can get the giggles for no apparent reason? As they looked out the windows, trying to figure out what was going on, they saw that we were sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere next to "Mom and Pop's Produce" and started getting tickled. And then, when they saw Mom and Pop, actually working in the garden beside the stand, they really set them off. I thought I was going to have to kick them out of the car for a few minutes, but they finally pulled it together! Even with all the bumps, this interview was really an exciting way to share God's goodness through Hannah's story.

We had another great oppportunity to share while we were there...at Oyster Bay Baptist Church in Gulf Shores. Brad's former baseball coach from OBU attends that church, and that is how this speaking opportunity came about. We came away feeling very blessed and encouraged after visiting with the staff and members there. They had been praying for us throughout Hannah's illness, so it felt like we already knew each other. It's pretty cool how the family of God is everywhere...no matter where you go!

It was also nice to get caught up with Coach Barrett. He and his wife taught our Sunday School class when we were college students, about five years after they lost their oldest son to neuroblastoma. We got an up-close look at a couple who had experienced a devastating loss and come out the other side. They were just the first of several couples God placed in our lives over the years...people who have lost children and not only survived, but thrived. We never suspected at that time what an impact their examples would have upon our lives as we faced a storm of our own.

The time on the beach was great too. It was a very interesting time to be on the gulf coast, with all the oil spill chaos going on. Idyllic scenes like this...

were intermingled with scenes like this....

It was really strange to see these guys with their heavy rubber boots and gloves walking around in the midst of all the people in bikinis and bare feet. We did run into a few of the infamous tar balls one day. We were coming in from a sand bar just off the regular beach (where we found 57 sand dollars, by the way) when we saw some of them floating in the water. I picked one up and squeezed it between my thumb and forefinger. When it smeared, I rubbed my hands together to try to get it off....and the more I rubbed, the "smearier" it got. I tried scraping it off in the wet sand to no avail. I finally had to go inside and scrub it off with soap. I'm sure there's a spiritual application here...something about how just a little "pinch" of sin can work its way deeper and deeper into your life...how we can't get it out by ourselves...how desperately we need cleansing...I'll let you complete the analogy!

We were so grateful for the opportunity to get away and have some time to recharge and relax together as a family. We arrived home last night, and are leaving again this afternoon...heading to El Dorado for Brad's 25th high school reunion. He has a very unique graduating class, in that they've stayed very close over the years. As a matter of fact, during Hannah's illness and after her death, his former class members surrounded us with love and support, even giving Hannah some very generous presents for her 17th birthday. We're looking forward to spending time this weekend getting caught up with some old friends, and having the opportunity to express our appreciation for all they've done for our family. We're also excited about sharing our testimony at St. Paul United Methodist Church on Sunday morning. This is the church where Brad grew up, and it will be a real blessing to be able to share with them. And...if you've followed my blog for any length of time...you also know I am excited about eating some hot Spudnuts tomorrow morning!!

Fifteen Years

Fifteen years ago today I received one of the greatest blessings of my life...my daughter, Bethany. I can't even begin to express the amount of joy she brings to our lives. She has an outgoing, fun-loving personality...pretty much the opposite of me, actually. She definitely got that from her dad, along with her athletic ability. She's had a difficult path to walk over the past couple of years...sometimes she feels very alone, because there's really no one in her life who truly understands what she's experienced. There are just not very many kids her age who have lost a sibling. She does have a good friend named Kristin, who was really there for her throughout Hannah's illness.

During the final ten days or so of Hannah's life, Kristin's mom brought her to Little Rock every evening (about an hour's drive each way) so Bethany could spend some time with her friend each day. What an amazing blessing that was! It was great for Bethany to be able to decompress with a friend during those extraordinarily difficult days.

Right now, we are enjoying some much-anticipated vacation time on the Gulf Coast of Florida. Kristin is spending the week with us, and we are really enjoying her company. We had some rainy, chilly weather for the first few days of our trip, but today dawned bright and beautiful...not a cloud in the sky. And not a tar ball on the beach, either, by the way. We've had lots of Coast Guard helicopters flying over, and we've seen some official-looking people on the beach, but so far, so good. It is so beautiful here...it will be a real tragedy if the oil does come in.

Tonight, we drove to Pensacola to eat at Outback Steakhouse to celebrate Bethany's birthday. We kind of hated to eat somewhere we could go in Hot Springs, but over the years, it's become sort of a family tradition to go to Outback on birthdays...so, of course, we had to go there. On the way, we stopped and got Bethany's birthday present...an iPhone! She was sooooo excited. Hope we can get her back out on the beach! (-: Enjoy the pics....

Compartments

When I was a little girl, my most prized possession was a tacklebox full of plastic farm animals. Yes, that's what I said...a tacklebox full of plastic farm animals. As a matter of fact, I loved this tacklebox so much I always kept it by my bedroom door so that if there was ever a fire in my house, I could grab it on my way out the door. (My mother is laughing as she reads this.) It was a big green tacklebox, and after you opened the lid, you could grab the top tray, lift it up, and suddenly you had three levels of little compartments. I thought that was quite a feat of engineering. And in those little compartments, I kept all my plastic farm animals. I had compartments for horses, compartments for pigs, compartments for cows, compartments for sheep, compartments for chickens...separated, of course, by mamas and babies, spotted cows and solid-color cows, brown horses and black horses, etc. And down in the bottom part of the tacklebox, I kept all my little plastic fence pieces. I would spend hours playing with those little animals, and then meticulously put each one back into its place. I don't remember how old I was when I finally stopped playing with my tacklebox of animals...but I've never lost my love of compartments. I love roll-top desks with all their little cubbyholes and drawers, and the Container Store is one of my favorite places to shop.

I like for everything in my life to be in its place. And up until February of 2008, my tacklebox was in perfect order. All the little pieces were exactly where I wanted them to be...in nice, neat compartments where they belonged. And then cancer came along, turned my tacklebox upside down, and shook everything out. And even now, 16 months later, I'm still picking the pieces up off the floor. Some days I feel like I'm making lots of progress...and some days I feel like the pieces keep slipping out of my hands. I'm so thankful that my Heavenly Father is with me to help me pick everything up and put it back where it is supposed to go. And I can tell that He's not putting all the pieces back in the same little compartments...and I think that's a good thing.

"And He who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new..." Revelation 21:5

Amazing Grace

Well, graduation is behind us. Friday could probably best be described as a very "heavy" day for us emotionally. All day, the weight of grief was just as present and palpable as it was right after Hannah's homegoing. Brad operated pretty much on autopilot all day while he oversaw the senior breakfast, graduation practice, the senior drive (all the seniors drive their vehicles around and around the school, honking and hollering) and finally, the actual graduation ceremony. He presented the Hannah Sullivan memorial scholarship while encouraging the students to remember what the lessons they learned from Hannah's life: loyal friendship, love for family, and trust in God. Then he called the names of each graduating senior and they came forward and received their diplomas. And somehow he managed to do it with a smile on his face, even as he went through the "S's" without calling Hannah's name. I was so proud of him. One of the teachers told me later that they felt that his ability to do all that was due to "amazing grace", and I couldn't agree more. God's grace can give us strength to do things we would never dream we could do apart from it. The last sixteen months have taught me that and so much more!

Then today we had the opportunity to share our testimony at a church in Arkadelphia. It's been awhile since we've shared, and it was so refreshing. Each time, it seems, the blessing (for us) is greater than the time before. We have several more opportunities coming up this summer, and are looking forward to each one. God has given us a story to share, and we want to make the most of every opportunity we have to do so!

Graduation Eve

On Monday night, we went to our school district's athletic awards banquet. I really thought this would be a "safe" event. Hannah was not involved in athletics, other than being the manager of the girls' basketball team. She was far more interested in academics than athletics. I figured this would be one May event that I could handle without too much trouble. We arrived, and walked up to the front of the room to the tables closest to the stage...the tables that are usually reserved for the faculty and administration. As we were about to find our seats, I saw that these tables were indeed reserved...there were signs on them that said, "Reserved for Parents of Seniors". It was like a physical blow. We immediately (and somewhat awkwardly) backed away from those tables, and went to find another place to sit. Not the best way to start the evening!

We finally settled in, only to watch the senior football players, the senior basketball players, the senior golf players, the senior track athletes, etc., etc. be called up to the stage. As the basketball manager, Hannah would have received a plaque and a monogrammed blanket, and I have a feeling she would have been recognized as an outstanding student athlete. We were very proud to see Bethany recognized as part of the all-district track team (she was not eligible for any other awards since she is still technically a junior high athlete), but we sure missed seeing Hannah walk across the stage.

So tomorrow night is graduation. It has finally arrived. As the high school principal, Brad has traditionally been the person who calls out the students' names as they receive their diplomas. As of today, he still hasn't decided whether or not he'll actually be able to do it this year. He really wants to...He has a real attachment to many of the students in this class, and would very much like to do them the honor of calling out their names. But when he gets to the "S's"...I just don't know. I know I couldn't do it...There's no way I would even try! I'm honestly not sure if I'm even going to be able to stay in the audience. Calling our daughters' names and presenting them with their diplomas is something he has always looked forward to doing. It's going to be a really tough night for him...probably one of the toughest since her death.

We will have the privilege of presenting the Hannah Joy Sullivan memorial scholarship to one of these students tomorrow night. We do not choose the recipient...he or she is chosen by a scholarship committee. It would be impossible for us to do, especially considering that these are Hannah's classmates. We do know who was chosen, though, and we are very pleased. That presentation will be the highlight of the evening for us.

Lately I've seen lots of comments on Facebook from parents whose kids are graduating from high school...or junior high or preschool...and many of them talk about how sad they are to see their kids growing up. And in the fall, there will be comments from people who cry as their kids start kindergarten or middle school or college. Please, please don't waste precious time being sad about your kids growing up. Rejoice with your kids as they reach these milestones in their lives. Make a conscious decision to enjoy every minute you have with them. Every age and every stage is a blessing and a gift from God. Experience each moment in its fullness and in gratefulness to God.

This song by Chris Rice (from the album "What a Heart is Beating For") kind of sums up my feelings today. Hannah may not be able to participate in her earthly graduation, she can still take a bow...

Baby Take Your Bow

We're gonna miss your song and dance

The way you made us laugh

And we're so glad we had the pleasure for a while

But on the other side you'll find a better audience

Just be yourself and you can't help but make the angels smile.

Baby, all the world's a stage

Playwright pens your final page

And then He brings your curtain down

So blow us your kisses and drench our eyes

We'll rise to our feet to wave goodbye for now

So baby, take your bow.

The world is lovlier because you had your moment here

And we could see a friend of Heaven in your face

And in your song we heard the longing for a distant shore

And now your time has come to go, and so be on your way.

Your show is over now

It's time to lay your burdens down

So baby, take a bow.

Relay for Life 2010

We had a great experience at our first ever Relay for Life on Friday night. The Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry at our church had a team, and it was quite an amazing experience to see some of our folks who are cancer survivors walk (and ride) in the survivor lap. The luminaries were also incredible to see...and, of course, there was one there for Hannah. We purchased a "photo luminary", which meant that her picture was on the bag and was also included in a slide show as part of the luminary ceremony. As the three of us stood there together looking at her bag and watching the slideshow, the overwhelming feeling we all had was: "We shouldn't be here." It just didn't seem right that we were standing there on the track, in view of the church where Hannah's funeral was held, seeing her picture in an "In Memory" slideshow. It just couldn't be.

But there we were, and it was where we needed to be. And really, we should have been there before now. Until cancer came to our home, we frankly were not that concerned about it. Cancer is an incredibly cruel disease. If Hannah had any vanity (and she did), it was in two areas...her sharp intellect and her thick, curly hair. Cancer stole both of them from her.

I really don't know if there will ever be a cure for cancer. We live in a fallen world; a world corrupted by sin and evil. I pray that it will be cured someday, but I'm just not sure if that is part of God's plan this side of Heaven. Cancer is one of those things that makes Heaven sweeter. But I do know that because of the efforts of the American Cancer Society (who gets the money raised from Relay for Life) and other organizations, there are many more survivors than there used to be. And I am so thankful for the improvements that have been made in cancer treatments over the years. As difficult as the treatments are today, they are not nearly as grueling as what patients went through even a decade ago. I am grateful for all those who traveled this path before us, leading to advances in radiation and chemotherapy which certainly extended Hannah's life.

I believe that Relay for Life will become an annual family tradition for us...but we will always remember this first one as something special!

Sisters & Daughters

When I was pregnant with Bethany, I had a conversation with my mom that has always stuck in my memory. I was telling her how I was hoping this baby would be a boy, since I already had a girl, and I had always wanted at least a boy and a girl. Of course, I included the requisite, "But of course, as long as the baby's healthy, it doesn't really matter if it's a boy or a girl"...but I really was hoping for a boy. And my mother said, "Everybody always thinks they want a boy and a girl, but really, for the kids, it's nicer if they're both girls or both boys." Well, I thought about that a little bit, and realized that she was right. I have two brothers...no sisters...and always felt like I missed out on something not having a sister (No offense, TJ and Steve)! My mother has such a great relationship with her sisters, and my dad's sisters are very close. And so, right then and there, I decided I wanted my second baby to be a girl...as if my wishing would make any difference!

When an ultrasound confirmed that my baby was indeed a girl, I was thrilled. I thought about how much fun it would be to call them "the girls", to dress them in matching outfits, to fix their hair...all those fun things. And it was wonderful. I loved having two girls...and I couldn't have asked for closer sisters. Bethany misses her sister terribly, but I'm so thankful for the time they had together.

And now, today, I'm so thankful that I have a daughter. On Monday of this week, we took a mother/daughter day. Bethany had a free day out of school coming to her...a reward for scoring well on the Benchmark last year...and she took it on Monday, which also happens to be my day off. She slept in (what good is a day out of school without sleeping in?) and then we went out for a yummy Mexican lunch in Hot Springs. After lunch, we went to a spa and had a massage...my Mother's Day present! I think the mother/daughter massage thing is going to have to become a Mother's Day tradition...it was soooo nice. We spent the rest of the afternoon shopping together.

One thing that really makes me sad about Hannah not being here is that we were just on the verge of a changing relationship...from mother/daughter to friend/friend. She would be 18 now, and about to graduate from high school. Of course, we would always be mother and daughter, but as she grew closer to adulthood, I believe our relationship would have evolved into an awesome friendship as well. Bethany and I are still in the mother/daughter stage, as evidenced by our time in the fitting room the other day. We still have the discussions about the shortness of her shorts and the appropriateness of her swimwear. But I look forward to the day when we will be friends, in addition to being mother and daughter. I can't think of anyone I'd rather have as my best friend!

. . . . .

I find myself at a loss for words tonight.

We run at such a frenzied pace all week long...especially at this time of year. The life of a high school principal in a small town in spring consists of softball games, baseball games, track meets, choir concerts, band concerts, academic awards banquets, FFA banquets, athletic banquets, school plays, booster club meetings, school board meetings, etc., etc. We find ourselves having to "stuff" our emotions a lot...just because we're always getting ready for the next event. Who has time for an emotional breakdown when you've got a banquet to go to? And who wants to be seen at a banquet with red eyes and a puffy face? Especially when it's a banquet where your daughter quite possibly would have been honored as the valedictorian of her class...people might think you're "not doing good". So you choke down the tears, clench your jaw, put on your brave face, and soldier on. The next day there is something else to push through, and the next day, and the next. Finally you come to an evening like tonight. An evening with nowhere to go, and nothing to "be". You can only keep that emotion down for so long, and then it has to come out. And it's refreshing. Not right away...I have to sleep it off overnight when I have an evening like this...but I have learned from experience that tomorrow will be a better day.

Adding to my funk tonight is the news that one of our dear friends in the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry will be starting hospice care next week. I've shared a little bit about her before...we met her a few months after Hannah was diagnosed, just as she was beginning her battle with ovarian cancer. She and her husband had moved to Arkansas from Indiana and built a pretty little log cabin in the woods...their dream retirement home. It was not too long after that when cancer struck. She is a precious lady, who has inspired many of us with her positive attitude and trust in God, in spite of her declining health over the past several months. She has been fully aware of her prognosis, and has chosen to live her life filled with the joy of the Lord. While my heart aches for her family (and for myself...I will miss her), I am happy that her long, difficult battle appears to be drawing to a close. She will be welcomed into Heaven with a hearty, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!" What could be sweeter than that?

A Cancer Prayer

I have never posted twice in one day...much less twice in one evening. But I read this poem tonight on Jake Love's CaringBridge site and had to share it. I can relate to every single line of it. Jake is a little guy from Conway who has been battling brain cancer, and they just found out today that his cancer has spread to his spine. I've not met this family, but have been following their story for awhile...Please lift Jake and his family up in your prayers, and check out his website at www.caringbridge.org/visit/jakelove.


A Cancer Prayer
by Stephen R. Chance

Dear God, we have prayed often for you to rid our child's body of cancer and never let it come back. We have prayed often for you to spare his body the harsh effects of the treatments he must endure. We have prayed for mercy and strength. But we have not yet prayed for the things about cancer we would like to keep.

Please let us keep the love that has been laid bare and that binds our family, our friends, and our community.

Please let us keep our preference to be together.

Please let us keep our appreciation for simple pleasures.

Please let us keep our ability to not sweat the small stuff.

Please let us keep our tolerance for each other's mistakes.

Please let us keep our focus on each other's needs.

Please let us keep our patient smiles responsive to normal childhood conflicts rather than the irritation that could so easily ensue.

Please let us keep our tendency to treat others tenderly knowing that we don't know all the heartbreaks they have felt.

Please let us keep the ease with which new acquaintances become good friends.

Please let us keep our enhanced appreciation for nature.

Please let us keep our motivation to live vigorously now rather than planning to live later.

Please let us keep our calling to help others fight cancer with better weapons and smarter generals.

Please let us keep our need to reciprocate the wonderfully kind favors we have received.

Please let us keep the strength to press on when faced with other illnesses, deaths, and human tragedies.

Please let us keep You at the center of our lives during good times, too.

Amen.

Mother's Day Reflections

What a difference a year can make. Last Mother's Day was difficult...actually torturous...for me. We spent the day last year in Mountain Home, visiting my parents, and watching my two precious nieces, Julia and Katie, be dedicated in church. It was all very nice, and we enjoyed spending time with them, but the constant reverberation of "Happy Mother's Day" in the air was extraordinarily painful. As much as I tried, I just couldn't find anything "happy" about that day. I felt so incomplete without Hannah beside me. The church service felt interminably long, and dinner at the restaurant afterward was excruciating. It was during that dinner that my brother told me about finding Hannah's post on Facebook (written about a month before her diagnosis): "This world has nothing for me...I will live for Him." That pretty much did me in completely. I couldn't wait to get in the car headed back home and finally release all of those pent-up emotions.

Today, my overwhelming emotion has been gratitude. Gratitude for my wonderful husband, who is always so supportive and loving, no matter what kind of day I'm having. Gratitude for my precious daughter, Bethany, who gives the best hugs in the world, and is never embarrassed to tell me she loves me. Gratitude for the 17 1/2 years I had with Hannah, and the wonderful memories of the time we had together. Gratitude for my godly mother and mother-in-law, and the legacy of godly mothers before them. My heart has been at peace today, and I've welcomed the "Happy Mother's Day" greetings. It's been a difficult day for many friends, though...I know several moms who are going through their first Mother's Day without one of their children (one who lost her only child), and several friends who are going through their first Mother's Day without their moms. I have one friend who is going through her first Mother's Day without her husband. And I really feel for them, because it is so, so hard. But I guess my message today is that, over time, it does get better. There is hope and comfort in the Lord.

"Sing for joy, Oh heavens, and exult, Oh earth; break forth, Oh mountains, into singing! For the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion on his afflicted." Isaiah 49:13