Thursday, October 1, 2009

Thought Life

One battle I feel that I've been constantly fighting since Hannah's death is with my thought life. When I'm busy and going through all the events of the day, it's really not an issue. But, when things get quiet and I'm alone in the house, or quite often when I'm driving somewhere by myself, my thoughts will wander back to the last couple months of Hannah's illness. Looking back on it, I've realized that I didn't really let myself think too much when we were going through it. I couldn't think too much and still get through the days...especially knowing that I always had to be strong and positive for Hannah. Especially during the times she was hospitalized, and we were together in a very small room 24 hours a day, I had to consciously make myself numb and "hard" in order to get through each day.

That's no longer necessary (although I became quite good at it and can still do it, such as when I'm in a group of moms who are talking about prom or senior pictures), and I now find myself thinking a lot. The problem is that my thoughts seem to always settle on the really bad memories of those final weeks...wondering what we might have done differently to make things easier for her, remembering those final few moments, and regretting the things we maybe should have talked about that we didn't. And, you know, for some reason I usually don't recognize this for what it attack of Satan.

There's a verse I've heard all my life, but it's just recently taken on new meaning to me: "...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things...practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8. The thoughts that I mentioned certainly don't fit this description. So, with God's help, I'm working to focus my thought life on the good memories...and there are many. I am so thankful for the almost 17 1/2 years we had with of the greatest blessings of my life!


Lynn said...

Jill, When I read to the middle of the second paragraph I was screaming (in my head) Satan, Satan. I am so glad I finished the paragraph and so glad to see that you recognize this for what it is. I know you have plenty of pictures of Hannah. Make yourself a Memory Album and when the bad memories try to steal the good ones, arm your mind by looking at this album. (Just a suggestion) Lynn

Anonymous said...

Dear Jill,

I haven't been on your blog site in a while and every time I come back, I wonder why it took me so long! I, too, am thankful that you recognized Satan's mind game. If I know one thing, it is this: You, Brad and Bethany did everything thinkable while Hannah was alive to make her more comfortable. As for things to talk about, I feel certain, again, that you'all said what needed to be said because of the tremendous love you'all have for each other. I think it's so easy to think of things we wished we'd asked or talked about. When my dad was suffering from dementia, I thought of so many things that I wished I had asked him when he would've been able to tell me the honest truth, but I waited too long to ask. I guess if I still remember those things, I can ask him in Heaven. The passage from Philippians has ministered to me also when something has gripped my heart and threatens to steal my peace. It's so wonderful how God's timeless Word ministers to us just as it has to people for hundreds of years and how He didn't leave anything out that we would need. All my love, Lisa McBrayer

Paula Roberts said...

I need to keep this frame of thought also....too many times, I feel satan sneaking in and making me feel guilty or otherwise...thank you for redirecting my focus!!