One battle I feel that I've been constantly fighting since Hannah's death is with my thought life. When I'm busy and going through all the events of the day, it's really not an issue. But, when things get quiet and I'm alone in the house, or quite often when I'm driving somewhere by myself, my thoughts will wander back to the last couple months of Hannah's illness. Looking back on it, I've realized that I didn't really let myself think too much when we were going through it. I couldn't think too much and still get through the days...especially knowing that I always had to be strong and positive for Hannah. Especially during the times she was hospitalized, and we were together in a very small room 24 hours a day, I had to consciously make myself numb and "hard" in order to get through each day.
That's no longer necessary (although I became quite good at it and can still do it, such as when I'm in a group of moms who are talking about prom or senior pictures), and I now find myself thinking a lot. The problem is that my thoughts seem to always settle on the really bad memories of those final weeks...wondering what we might have done differently to make things easier for her, remembering those final few moments, and regretting the things we maybe should have talked about that we didn't. And, you know, for some reason I usually don't recognize this for what it is...an attack of Satan.
There's a verse I've heard all my life, but it's just recently taken on new meaning to me: "...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things...practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8. The thoughts that I mentioned certainly don't fit this description. So, with God's help, I'm working to focus my thought life on the good memories...and there are many. I am so thankful for the almost 17 1/2 years we had with Hannah...one of the greatest blessings of my life!