Thoughtful Thursday -- Because Of ... Not In Spite Of

I've been a fan of Joni Eareckson Tada ever since I first picked up the book "Joni" when I was a pre-teen.  Joni was injured in a diving accident in late 1960s when she was a teenager, and has been a quadriplegic ever since.

I absolutely love her most recent book, "A Place of Healing:  Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty" and I've actually already written about it twice on my blog:  here and here.  Recently, I have felt the need to pick up this book again.  (And actually, the Kindle edition is available for FREE on Amazon right now ... get it before the price goes back up!)

I think that every person who loses a loved one to a disease that causes pain and suffering wonders why their prayers for healing were not answered in the way they would have chosen.  Did they not pray hard enough?  Did they not have enough faith?  Was there some sin in their life that prevented healing?  Joni, who has been serving the Lord from a wheelchair since 1967 (without a miraculous healing, mind you), has a unique perspective on these kinds of questions.

Every chapter in this book is full of things that make me think.  So I've decided to go back through it slowly this summer, and share some of those things on Thoughtful Thursdays.  Maybe we can think through some of these things together.

Here's what caught my eye this week.  In the introduction of the book, she reveals the fact that in addition to her paralysis, she is now dealing with intense, chronic pain.  And here's what she says about it...

Do I pray for miraculous healing for my chronic pain?  You bet I do.  

Am I expecting it?  If God wills, yes.

"Whatever You want, Lord," I pray.  "If it would give You more glory and advance Your gospel more quickly, I'm all for it!"  Always and always I want to be in submission to the Father and obedient to the Word of Jesus -- knowing full well that if I had everything else in life and lacked that, I would have nothing at all.  

Because isn't that the bottom line?  That Jesus gets the glory, whether I jump out of my wheelchair pain free and tell people that my healing is genuine evidence of God's awesome power ... or whether I continue smiling in my chair, not in spite of my pain but because of it, knowing I've got lessons to learn, a character to be honed, other wounded people to identify with, a hurting world to reach with the gospel, and a suffering Savior with whom I can enjoy greater intimacy.  And every bit of it genuine evidence of God's love and grace.

Here's the part that caught my eye and made me think -- "...whether I continue smiling in my chair, not in spite of my pain but because of it...".

It made me wonder ... Can I do that?  Can I smile, not in spite of my pain, but because of it?  Can I smile because of what I've experienced in my life, because of what God continues to teach me on a daily basis?

Hmmmmm.....let me think about that a little more...

Wacky Wednesday -- Father's Day with the Huxtables

Since this past Sunday was Father's Day, I thought I would share this great clip from the classic Cosby Show...



Just in case you were guilty of giving your dad one of these kinds of gifts this year, there's still time to make it up to him.  Head to your local bookstore or Amazon.com and get him a copy of "Fearless"!  That's what my father and my father-in-law got from us this year.  I can guarantee you that book would make even Cliff Huxtable happy on Father's Day!  :)

Tell About It Tuesday -- No Wonder!

This is a shift from the usual type of subject matter for my blog, but I ran across this the other day in World Magazine, and just had to share.  You know, so often when we see figures related to the federal budget, we just can't get our minds around them because they're just so incredibly huge.  At least I can't.  But this illustration really brought it home to me.

Here's the current U.S. federal budget in a nutshell:

U.S. annual tax revenue -- $2,340,000,000,000

Federal annual spending budget -- $3,590,000,000,000

New annual debt from

   overspending this year -- $1,250,000,000,000

National debt -- $15,400,000,000,000

Last year's budget cut by Congress -- $38,500,000,000

If you're like me, those numbers just kind of go Whoooosh! over my head.

Now, remove 8 zeros and pretend this is your household budget:

Annual family income -- $23,400

Money the family spends annually -- $35,900

New debt added to credit cards this year -- $12,500

Outstanding balance on credit cards -- $154,000

Total cuts to the family budget -- $385

Now those are figures I can understand!  How long could you operate your household with that kind of budget?  No wonder our nation is in trouble!  Just another reason to lift our nation and its leaders up in prayer...

Monday Mourning -- Blinded by Grief

In John's gospel, we read the story of Jesus appearing to Mary Magdalene after His resurrection.  Let's pick up the story in the 20th chapter, verse 10...

Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying.  As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.  They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"  "They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him."  At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize it was Jesus.  "Woman," He said, "Why are you crying?  Who is it you are looking for?"  Thinking He was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried Him away, tell me where you have put Him, and I will get Him."  Jesus said to her, "Mary."  She turned toward Him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).  Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father.  Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'"  Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news:  "I have seen the Lord!"  And she told them that He had said these things to her.


Did you catch the significance of the part of the passage that I typed in bold print?  Mary was face to face with Jesus, even talking with Him, but she did not even recognize Him.  Not only that, but she was searching for Him!  Wouldn't you think she would recognize Him?

I can remember reading this passage in the years before Hannah's illness and death and wondering how it could be that Mary didn't recognize Jesus.  I figured that her vision must have been clouded with tears, and maybe that was why.  But why didn't she recognize His voice?  Maybe she was just so shocked to see Him that she couldn't believe it was Him.

But now I get it.  Sure, she had tears in her eyes, but that is not what blinded her.  It was the enormity of her grief that made her unable to see her Savior.  Grief can do that to us.  Even if we're searching for Him, even if we're looking right at Him, even if He's speaking to us ... we don't realize it is Him.  Grief can either make us too numb to feel His presence, or it can make us too raw to experience Him.

But Mary didn't stay blinded.  Jesus spoke her name, and immediately a wave of recognition washed over her.  She must have reached out and "hugged His neck" (as we say here in Arkansas), and she clearly did not want to let go.

In the same way, we who have been blinded by grief must remain open to His presence.  Even though it may feel like He is far away, He is right here with us, waiting patiently for us to reach out to Him.  What a comfort in the darkest of times!

Free-For-All Friday -- Three Years of Blogging

Today makes three years since I started on this blogging adventure.  Hard to believe.  But I can say, without a doubt, that God has used this blog to bring an enormous amount of healing in my life since Hannah went to Heaven.  I seem to do a much better job of expressing myself in writing than with the spoken word.  In fact, I can really relate to this quote by John Piper:  "Writing became the lever of my thinking and the outlet of my feelings.  If I didn't pull the lever, the wheel of thinking did not turn.  It jerked and squeaked and halted.  But once a pen was in hand, or a keyboard, the fog began to clear and the wheel of thought began to spin with clarity and insight."  This blog has helped clear the fog and get my "wheel of thinking" turning again.

To all of you who read this blog ... Thank you.  I've often said that I would continue to write, even if I knew no one ever read it, simply because it helps me so much, but I am grateful for every person who takes the time to actually read what I've written.  I read and appreciate every comment that is left, and I'm going to try to do a better job of responding to them.  I would love to be more interactive with you.

Please note that you can sign up to receive my blog right in your email inbox ... All you have to do is click where indicated in the left hand column.  When you subscribe, you'll receive a verification that you must reply to in order to start your subscription.  Make sure you do that, or you will not be officially subscribed.

I look forward to starting my fourth year of blogging.  God teaches me as I write, and I'm excited about where He may lead.  Thanks for coming along on the ride!

Thoughtful Thursday -- What's In a Name?

A couple of weeks ago, we attended the Garland County Relay for Life.  Relay has actually become a pretty big part of our lives since Hannah was ushered into Heaven via cancer.  We always have a tent for our Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry group, and we always have a great time celebrating another year of life with all of them.  Here are a few of our sweet folks...

I was on the luminary committee this year, so I was REALLY busy for the whole evening.  Someone did manage to snap a quick picture of Brad and me, though...

As a member of the luminary committee, my Relay day started at 7:00 a.m., labeling, filling, and setting out the nearly 1,500 luminary bags which had been purchased in honor and in memory of those touched by cancer.  This year, our Relay offered people the option of purchasing "Torches of Hope" in addition to the luminary bags.  These were basically tiki torches adorned with purple ribbons and a brass plaque with a loved one's name on it.  We decided to purchase one of those in memory of Hannah this year, deciding that that would be a unique way to honor our girl's memory.  I was actually pretty excited about this torch, thinking it would make a great memento.

Imagine my disappointment when I saw her brass plaque, and it looked like this...

Yes, that's right ... it says "In Memory of Hanny Joy Sullivan".  What?  Are you kidding me?

I wish I could adequate describe the emotions that ran through me for the next few hours as I went through the motions of my responsibilities on the committee.  Thank goodness for sunglasses!  I cried tears of anger, frustration, and sadness off and on for quite awhile.  How could something like this happen?  I mean, who would name their kid "Hanny"?  Shouldn't someone at the brass plaque factory have caught that?  I know that's not how I filled out the order form!  How were Bethany and Brad going to feel when they saw this glaring error?

And then, as the turbulence of my initial emotions began to subside, I began to ask myself different questions.  Why did this bother me so much?  What was I so upset about?  Why had this simple spelling error thrown me into such a tailspin?  After all, it really wasn't that big of a deal ... Was it?

As I began to think more rationally, it started to become clear to me.  When a parent loses a child, that child's name becomes more precious to them than ever before.  Especially as time goes by, and you rarely hear their name or see it in writing anymore.  In kind of a strange way, that name becomes proof ... something concrete to show that your child did actually exist.

Once I was able to identify what made me so upset, I began to get my feet back under me.  The error, while unfortunate, couldn't be helped, and it really wasn't that big of a deal.  I mean ... a rose by any other name still smells as sweet ... right?

It just goes to show that the road of grief is not a wide, straight, clear path from hurt to healing.  It's a twisted, bumpy road with lots of detours and obstacles along the way.  And just when you think you're making good progress, along comes a big old pothole to give you a good jar.  A good reminder that we need to stick close to the One who holds the map!

Wacky Wednesday -- Good One!

Thought this was pretty cute....  :-)

Monday Mourning -- Sharing Hannah

One thing I didn't mention in my "Ten Things About Hannah" post yesterday was that Hannah was a very private person.  In fact, as we were walking to the car right after being told she had a brain tumor, she said that she didn't want anyone to know, and she wanted me to promise her that we wouldn't tell anybody.  Of course, I did not make that promise, because we wanted people to be praying for her!  Once we explained that to her, she understood, and was fine with me sending the emails which chronicled her journey.  However, she did NOT want to have a CaringBridge site, and she did NOT want me to write a blog while she was sick.  She always shunned the spotlight, even before she was diagnosed ... always content to remain in the background.

So it's always been a little strange to me that her story captured so much attention, and that it still does today.  I started this blog about four months after she went to Heaven, fully confident that she would no longer mind me writing about her.  And we have traveled around and shared her story in a variety of churches and other settings, and I know she would be fine with that.  We had the opportunity to do that just yesterday, when we shared our testimony at Parker's Chapel First Baptist Church in El Dorado.  We love to do that, and God always blesses when we do. 

And it kind of hit me yesterday ... when Hannah was here on earth with us, she was "our daughter", meaning mine and Brad's.  She "belonged" to us.  Now, it's almost as if we are literally "sharing" her with the thousands of other people who have been touched by her story.  Does that make sense?

As I ponder this thought, I can't help but think of our good friends, Larry and Janice Brown.  Their son, Adam, was a member of SEAL Team Six, and was killed in Afghanistan in March of 2010.  A book has been written about his life, ("Fearless"), and at last check, it was #7 on the New York Times Best Seller list.  They've been traveling around doing interviews and book signings, and talking to people whose lives have been changed after reading Adam's story.  The book reveals both the high points and the very low points of Adam's life.  Talk about "sharing" your child ... they are now "sharing" their Adam with literally millions of other people.

I think I can speak for the Browns as well as for us when I say that we don't mind "sharing" our children.  What better way to remember and to honor their lives than to allow others to see how God carried them through their respective journeys?  To God be the glory.

Ten on the Tenth -- Ten Things I'd Like People to Remember About Hannah

Early on after Hannah went to Heaven, I heard other parents who had lost children talk about how much they worried about people forgetting about their children.  And I remember thinking to myself that I would never be that way ... I certainly didn't want people to forget about Hannah, but I just didn't see myself worrying about it. 

Well, now it's 3 1/2 years later, and I must admit that those kinds of thoughts do creep up on me from time to time.  I don't really worry that people are going to forget about her, I just worry that people might forget things about her ... if that makes sense.  I even sometimes worry that I will forget things about her! 

Thus, this list of Ten Things I'd Like People to Remember About Hannah:

1.  She loved her family -- Whether it was a noisy extended family gathering or a quiet evening at home with just the four of us, she would rather spend time with her family than do just about anything else.  She loved spending time with her cousins, who always made her laugh.

2.  She loved school -- She was all about learning, and took great pride in excelling academically.

3.  She was a Hog fan -- The Arkansas Razorbacks, that is.  She had no athletic ability of her own (remember, she was my child!), but she really enjoyed a good Razorback football game.

4.  She was a "girly girl" -- She loved flashy earrings, colorful tops, and pretty shoes.  You would never catch her going to school in a t-shirt and tennis shoes. 

5.  But, she was also a "tomboy" -- She loved dressing up in camo and boots, riding 4-wheelers, and deer hunting.  Maybe it was just because she liked hanging out with her dad.

6.  She looked just like her dad, but she acted just like me -- She had my good character traits as well as the bad.  It's almost scary how similar our personalities were, and I would love to see what our relationship might be like now that she would be twenty years old. 

7.  She was a deep thinker -- I'll never forget the question she asked me when she was 5 or 6 years old.  Having been told her whole life that she looked just like her dad, she asked, "How can a kid look like their dad when their mom has them?"  I think my reply was something along the lines of, "Isn't it amazing how God does that?"  From that point on, she kept me on my toes!

8.  She had a strong faith in God -- In fact, a few months prior to her cancer diagnosis, she prayed that God would send a storm into her life to help her grow closer to Him, and so that others could see Him through her storm.  Not long after that, she posted on her Facebook page, "This world has nothing for me...I will live for Him."  When her diagnosis came, she accepted it as her storm, and her faith never wavered.  She never asked, "Why me?", and she never complained about her situation.

9.  But, she was not perfect -- Often, when someone dies young, there is a tendency to put them on a pedestal, to almost venerate them as some sort of saint.  This seemed to be especially true of Hannah, because many people knew about her prayer for a storm and watched her valiantly battle cancer for a year.  But she was not perfect (her sister can attest to that!) ... she was a sinner in need of a Savior. 

10.  She lived -- Perhaps most of all, when people think of Hannah, I don't want them to think of her as that girl who died of cancer ... I want them to remember the girl who lived for 17 1/2 years.  And I want them to know that she still lives today ... in fact, she's more alive than ever before!

Free-For-All-Friday -- "State of the Blog"

It seems that lately the state of this blog could be summed up with just a few words ... "a little bit of nothing going on."  This entire spring has just been so crazy busy, and it has carried right on into the summer.  We've had company, then Relay for Life, then basketball camp, then Bethany's birthday ... so, today, I'm taking a breath.

I had only two things on my "to do" list today ... one was to donate blood, which once again was an epic fail.  Every time I've tried to donate recently, my iron has been too low, so I've been taking daily supplements.  I was just sure I'd be able to donate today, but no, my iron was one measly point too low.  I'm such a proponent of blood product donation because I've seen the difference it makes in so many lives, and I'm so frustrated when I'm unable to donate.  I'm going to keep taking my supplements and start eating raisins every day and try again in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, the other item on my "to do" list for today was to write a little "state of the blog" address.  My goal for this summer is to get back to blogging every day, (or as close to that as possible), following the format I started about this time last year ... Monday Mourning, which will feature posts related to grief/losing a child, Tell-About-It Tuesday, which will feature something I'm really excited about and what to share, Wacky Wednesday, which will feature something that I've found amusing during the week, Thoughtful Thursdays, which will feature something that's really had me thinking, and Free-For-All Fridays, which could be just about anything.  I'll also continue with my Ten on the Tenth posts, providing I can continue to come up with topics!

I also plan to acquire some blog design skills, which I hope to use in updating and making the blog more user-friendly.  That's what YouTube is for, right?  I know I could pay someone to do it for me, but I'd like to try to learn how to do it myself.  So, depending on my learning curve, you'll start seeing some changes to the blog over the next week or two, which I hope will make it a more enjoyable reading experience.

One thing that will not change ... my goal in writing this blog is to encourage others, especially those who are traveling the road of grief, and to exalt the name of Jesus.  I will prayerfully be pursuing that goal this summer.

Thoughtful Thursday -- "Seventeen"

Today my girl turns seventeen.  I spent a few minutes searching through my pictures for a recent picture of her, but settled on this one...

This picture was actually taken three years ago, but it so perfectly captures her personality, I just had to use it!  She is bubbly and beautiful, loving and kind, and brings so much joy to our lives.  I'm looking forward to spending a fun-filled day with her today.

I can't help, though, thinking back to Hannah's 17th birthday about 3 1/2 years ago.  We spent that day getting a radiation treatment at CARTI in Little Rock.  The staff there was wonderful, and they gave her a little birthday party, but it just was not a great way to spend your birthday.  In fact, two days later, she lost all of her hair.

About three weeks before her birthday, we had received the news that her cancer had returned with a vengeance, in the form of multiple tumors in her brain and spinal column.  Our oncologist had told us that there was virtually no chance of survival.  Of course, we knew that God could heal her at any time, but we also knew that in His omniscience, He may choose not to.

What kind of birthday gifts do you get for a teenager who is not expected to live?  And how do you "celebrate" a birthday in that situation?  With God's help, and the support of wonderful family and friends who made her birthday special, we managed to do just that.

Fast forward now to today ... Bethany's seventeenth birthday.  What a contrast!  She is vibrant, healthy, full of life.  She is looking forward to the future with great anticipation ... in fact, she would skip summer break and start her senior year tomorrow if she could!  Yes, she misses her sister every day and is still learning to deal with that grief, but she has also discovered the truth of Psalm 27:13 -- "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" -- in other words, she's beginning to find her joy again.

And what a blessing that is to me as a Mom....to know that both of my girls are right where they need to be in life.  Hannah is in Heaven, fully healed and complete in Christ, and Bethany is here, healthy and growing in Christ.  Yes, I would rather have Hannah here with us ... of course I would!  There is nothing I would want more!  But I know that is not an option, and knowing she is in Heaven makes the waiting bearable.  And in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy every minute of Bethany's 17th year with her!

Thoughtful Thursday -- My Daughter Is A Senior??

As of tonight, when the final graduate of the Magnet Cove High School Class of 2012 walks across the platform to receive his or her diploma, my daughter will officially become a senior.

Why does that make me thoughtful on this Thursday?

Because her older sister never got to be a senior.  And it's really strange to me that Bethany will be surpassing Hannah in this accomplishment.

It was a strange feeling when Bethany reached spring break of her junior year, because Hannah never made it that far.  And I know it will be even stranger when Bethany turns 18 about a year from now, because Hannah never made it past the age of 17.

It just doesn't feel like it should be this way.  My younger child should not be passing up my older child.

But I can't help but feel that Hannah would be okay with it.  She would be proud of the young woman her sister is becoming.  And so even though it feels weird, I'm okay with it, too.  I'm excited for her and for all she has to look forward to in the future.  I'm so glad that God chose me to be her mom!  I am truly blessed.

Thoughtful Thursday -- A Thought-Provoking Question

A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with a friend, and she asked me a question that has really had me thinking.  We had had a wonderful couple hours of deep, rich conversation, when she posed this question.  She didn't mean for it to be a hard question; in fact, she asked it as if she already knew how I was going to answer.  With sparkling eyes and intensity in her voice, she leaned across the table and said, "Don't you just feel Hannah's presence around you all the time?"

For a split second, I hesitated, then replied, "Yes...Yes, I do."  Because that was the "right" answer.  That's what I was supposed to say.

My friend had to leave the restaurant shortly after that.  We had talked for so long, she was about to be late to pick up her kids from school.  I told her to go on, and I cleaned up our mess.  As I walked out of the restaurant alone, all I could think about was my answer to her question.  I had given her the answer she was expecting, but was it the truth?

Do I feel Hannah's presence all around me?  The truth is no.  No, I don't.  And I don't feel her guiding me or watching over me from Heaven.

And for awhile, that kind of bothered me.  Should I?  Is there something wrong with my grieving process because I don't?  To be honest, I wish I did.  I would love to feel that kind of closeness with her ... to feel surrounded by her presence.

So then, I've wondered why not.  Why don't I feel her presence with me?  Has my grief hardened me to the point where I have become that unfeeling?  Have I just not been paying attention?  Is there something wrong with me?

And after lots of thought, I've come to some conclusions.  Now, these conclusions may evolve, as thoughts and feelings often do as one travels a grief journey.  And my conclusions and experiences may very well differ from those of others.  I've heard others say that they do feel the presence of a departed loved one with them, and who am I to question their experience?  I can only speak for myself and my own experiences.

I was with Hannah when she left her earthly body.  I breathed her final breaths along with her, and I felt her hands and face grow cold.  Her presence left us that day.

II Corinthians 5:8 tells us that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  I believe that as Hannah's absence in that room became a reality, so did her presence with the Lord.

And I've decided that that's why I don't feel her presence with me.  It's because she's with Him.  And seriously, if you were with Him, would you want to hang out with me?

So, no, I don't feel Hannah's presence all around me.  And I'm okay with that.  She has better things to do right now.   And one day, when God's through with me here, I'll get to be with Him too.  And getting to hang out with Hannah for eternity will just make it that much sweeter!

Ten on the Tenth -- A List of Ten Totally Random Things

Obviously, I've had some difficulty coming up with a topic for this month's "Ten on the Tenth".  So here's a totally random list of ten things that have been on my mind lately...

1.  May is Brain Tumor/Brain Cancer Awareness Month.  Who knew?  Clearly "gray" doesn't get the same amount of press as "pink."  And yet, the number of people affected by brain tumors is staggering.  And many, many of them are children.  In fact, brain tumors are the most commonly occurring solid tumors in children.  The average age at which they appear is six years old.  Six years old!  This month I'm sporting my gray ribbon, promoting brain cancer awareness.

2.  Bethany's track season wrapped up with a second place finish in the high jump at the state track meet. Yes, I know that is very good, but no amount of back slapping could convince Bethany that second place was good enough.  She really wanted to win, and had a good chance, because she actually came into state competition with the highest jump in the state for a female athlete at a 2A school.  She would have been somewhat consoled with a first place finish for her track team, but would you believe they came in second place by only half a point?  Half a point!  Oh well, there's always next year!  Here's a picture of the track team with their second place trophy ... Just try to ignore the first place team celebrating in the background!  Yes, I know I should crop them out, but something about them being in the picture just makes me chuckle.

3.  This time of year always seems to bring out my inner Eeyore.  All the awards banquets, graduation festivities, etc., bring back such difficult memories of what would have been Hannah's senior year.  She loved school so much, and she would have enjoyed every minute of her senior year.  I have to remind myself that she did enjoy every minute of that year ... way more than she would have if she had been stuck at school all day!

4.  I can't believe that it's almost the end of Bethany's junior year.  As of May 24th, when this year's current crop of seniors graduates, she will officially become a senior herself.  As that is something we never experienced with Hannah, it seems somewhat surreal.

5.  Speaking of Bethany, she did not go to school today.  As a reward for performing well on their end-of-course exams the previous year, students are given a free day out of school, which they can use whenever they want.  So she took the day off today.  And on her day off, she didn't go to the mall, or to the lake.  She didn't even sleep in.  Instead, she went to Yell County and fixed up her sister's grave.  Her friend Brad came along, and they laid sod, placed bricks, and planted flowers.  You can't really tell from the picture, but Hannah's grave is on a relatively steep hill.  The brick wall they made will nicely define it.  I really can't tell you what a gift this is to me.  I really want her grave to look pretty, but I just can not bring myself to work on it.  When I am there, it's all I can do just to breathe.  Maybe this will help me feel more comfortable there.

6.  I can't write a post this time of year without mentioning American Idol.  It's been an interesting season.  I really liked Colton because of his unabashed Christian faith ... I loved his performance of "Piano Man", and I hated to see him go.  Joshua is an amazingly talented singer, and his rendition of "When A Man Loves A Woman" was absolutely inspired.  Jessica and Hollie are great, too ... I just prefer male voices over female voices.  I would have to say Phillip is my favorite this year ... I always tend to lean toward the guys who are unique and different.  I've been wondering all season which one would have been Hannah's favorite.  So hard to imagine would she would have been like at age twenty.

7.  Speaking of American Idol, I downloaded Scotty McCreery's new album the other day.  It's good ... really good.

8.  You must pre-order this book on Amazon, or you can wait until May 22nd, when it will be available everywhere.  It is the story of Navy Seal Adam Brown, the son of our dear friends and "While We're Waiting" ministry partners, Larry and Janice Brown.  The Browns are already being sought for radio and television interviews in advance of the book release, and rightfully so.  This is actually why we do not have any While We're Waiting events scheduled until late summer/early fall.

9.  Just like Humpty Dumpty, I had a great fall the other day.  And yes, I actually fell off of a wall!  We have an ivy-covered stone wall that lines the edge of our driveway, and I decided to weed that patch of ivy early last week.  I was probably about six feet off the ground when I lost my footing and crashed onto the black asphalt driveway below.  It was one of those falls that seems to happen in slow motion.  I knew I was falling, I knew there was no way to catch myself, and I literally felt each part of my body as it hit the asphalt.  My right knee, my left hip, my left elbow, and the back of my right wrist.  Don't ask me how I landed on the back of my wrist ... I can't really explain that one!  No serious injuries, just some bruises and a couple of very deep scrapes.  You know, it's been a long time since I've been scraped up like that, and wow, does it hurt!  It's been almost two weeks now, and I'm just now getting close to being able to bend and straighten my left elbow without pain.  The worst part has been everyone asking me what happened.  "I pulled a Humpty Dumpty" just doesn't satisfy most people's curiosity.

10.  School is almost out!  May 24th is coming up very quickly, and frankly, it just can't get here quickly enough for me.  After last year's snow-day-shortened summer, this summer is going to feel luxuriously long.  Sooooo looking forward to it!

So there you have it ... ten totally random things that have been rolling around in my mind over the last several weeks.  Hopefully you enjoyed the ride!

Monday Mourning -- Another Childhood Friend

After Hannah went to Heaven in February of 2009, we decided to establish a scholarship at our alma mater, Ouachita Baptist University, in her memory.  My husband and I both graduated from there, and from the time she was a preschooler, it was always Hannah's dream to go there.  She already knew who she was going to room with, and she knew she wanted to major in medicine or education.

I remember when we met with the development officer from OBU to discuss the establishment of the scholarship.  Hannah had only been gone for a couple of months, and I was feeling very raw and fragile.  I couldn't believe we were talking to this guy about setting up a scholarship in her memory, rather than talking to an admissions counselor about what kind of scholarship she might be receiving.  But, after an hour or so of discussion, we came up with some guidelines for who would be eligible to receive the scholarship.

It could be a male or female student who is a rising junior or senior (to insure that they were serious about college and going to finish), and who is majoring in the field of medicine or education.  We understood that we would have no say in who would receive the scholarship ... the recipient would be chosen by a scholarship committee at OBU.

We've been very pleased with each student that the committee has chosen over the past three years.  We've had the opportunity to meet each of the recipients and it's been more of a blessing than I would ever have imagined.  Each of these young ladies has been a fine Christian young woman who is definitely going to be used by God in her chosen field.

But the last time I sent in our check, I just couldn't help making a suggestion to the scholarship committee.  I included a letter, saying that even though I knew we had no say in who received the scholarship, I did want to put forth a name for the committee's consideration.  I pointed out that this student was a rising junior, and that she was a speech pathology major, which put her into both the medicine and education categories.  As I closed my letter, I reiterated that we were not attempting to influence the committee's decision in any way, we were simply asking them to consider one particular student along with any others who were being considered.

That student was Brittany Nolan, who has been Hannah's dearest friend since second grade.  Brittany is the girl who would have been Hannah's roommate at OBU if Hannah had not "graduated early."  They met when we moved to El Dorado, and remained close friends even after we moved to Cabot and then Magnet Cove.  In this day of texting and email, they actually wrote letters to each other, and when I cleaned out Hannah's bedside table, it was full of letters from Brittany.  They have always had a very special friendship, and our family's friendship with her has continued over the last few years.  This picture was probably from about second or third grade...

And this was probably the summer after their freshman year of high school...

Well, last week we got the word that Brittany had indeed been chosen as the recipient of the Hannah Joy Sullivan Memorial Scholarship.  Brad had the great joy of presenting it to her at the OBU scholarship banquet last Thursday evening (I was speaking at a ladies' ministry dinner, so was unable to attend, which also explains why there was no picture taken of the presentation!).  It was a complete surprise for her, so that made it even more fun.  We are so pleased that she was chosen, and I know Hannah would have been thrilled.  And, though it's bittersweet in many ways, I'm so glad that our friendship with her has continued even though Hannah's earthly life has ended.  We are blessed to have her as part of our lives!

Monday Mourning -- A Surprise Message!

When our girls were young ... let's see, Hannah was 4 and Bethany was 1 ... we moved to the town of Crossett, in southeast Arkansas.  We lived there for three years, and they were three good years.  Brad was the assistant principal at the high school, and I worked part-time for the school district as a speech pathologist.  Our girls were happy and healthy, and life was good.  We had some wonderful friends, we were part of a great church, and we loved our little house on Cedar Street.  It's amazing how simple life seemed when I look back at those years.

Imagine my surprise when I received this message on Facebook last night (I share it with permission)...

Mrs. Jill,

I don't know if you remember me, but I was the same age as Hannah and in the same Sunday School classes with her when you all were here in Crossett. I had an encounter with someone the other day that brought Hannah up and it made me think of you all, so I wanted to share it with you.

I am a member of Grace Christian Fellowship now (it was Temple Baptist Church when you all were here) and I'm in the middle of a bible study with a few members of the church. Well, Mr. Buddy Dean is the leader of my Bible study and he shared a story about Hannah. He never mentioned her name, but he told us of how you all lived close to him when you lived here and how she would visit him and how he always found her to be such a sweet girl. He later mentioned that when all of Hannah's illness was going, you all sent out email newsletters and stuff about her. He said you'd always end it with "God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good." He said it was so encouraging and so true to hear. Later, I asked him if he was talking about Hannah and he said yes and we discussed how God had changed so many lives through her.

During my sophomore year of high school, Hannah actually added me on Facebook and we were able to get back in touch for a while. It was always a blessing to see what God was doing in the midst of her illness. I just wanted to let you know that she definitely changed my outlook on the difference between joy and happiness. She knew the true definition of joy and I've been able to explain the difference to others through what Hannah taught me. 

It was just a blessing to have Mr. Buddy to talk to about Hannah and to know that she's still making a difference no matter what. I hope you and your family are doing well and that God is still blessing and using you daily like He has been for so long.

Love and Prayers,
Nicole Currie

I can't tell you what a blessing it was to receive this message from Nicole.  Of course I remembered her ... she and Hannah were good friends.  They were in AWANA and children's choir together, and she was always a really sweet girl.  

It absolutely thrilled my heart to know that Mr. Buddy Dean (our backyard neighbor in Crossett) is still sharing Hannah's story, even after all this time.  And that Nicole continues to share with others how Hannah's life affected her.  

There is no greater joy in my life than to know that God is still working in the lives of others through Hannah's story.  Thank you, Nicole, for your message.  It means the world to me!

Tell About It Tuesday -- While We're Waiting Weekend for Parents

Has it really been two weeks since I last posted?  How is that even possible?  I really thought life was going to slow down after basketball season ... but, boy, was I wrong.  If anything, we've gotten even busier.  But ... May 24th is on the horizon, and we are officially in countdown mode.  I don't know if I've ever looked forward to a summer break more than this one.

One of the things that's keeping us so busy is the "While We're Waiting" ministry.  But that's a good kind of busy.  We absolutely love hosting WWW events.  In fact, we wish that was all we had to do, but we have these pesky jobs to keep us busy!  :)

This past weekend, we hosted the third "While We're Waiting Weekend" for Bereaved Parents.  I know I say this every time, but it was amazing!  We had a little bit smaller group this time because two couples were unable to come at the last minute, but what a great time of fellowship we had!

As always, I feel that the story of the weekend is best told through pictures.  So, here we go...

Friday afternoon and evening brought a downpour of Biblical proportions...

But Saturday morning dawned bright and clear, if somewhat chilly for late April...

After a hearty breakfast and a time of sharing, we headed out to the barn to help Daddy May feed the animals...

Who doesn't love puppies...

And bunnies...

And miniature horses...

There's just something therapeutic about spending time with the animals...

We came back in for lunch and spent some more time sharing our children's stories...

And then it was back outside for more fun activities, like the Family Farm carousel...

And riding the zip line over the pond...

Don't try this at home...

Just in case the weather didn't clear, we were prepared.  We set up a "Pickle Ball" court inside the Lodge, and Janice taught us all how to play.  And play we did ... until about 11:00 on Friday evening, and off and on throughout the weekend!

And finally, the pictures of our delicious gourmet dinner, prepared and served by our own private chef.   (He wrote these descriptions for me...I could never have come up with these on my own!)  First, the appetizer, which was "English cucumbers with great Northern bean fondue, essence of truffle oil, and drizzled with verde sauce..."

Our salad was "Vine ripened tomatoes with fresh goat cheese and a basil vinegarette..."

The intermezzo was "Mango and mandarin orange spritzers."  Absolutely delicious...

Our entree -- "Smoked Gouda potatoes with double smoked beef brisket, along with a medley of vegetables..."

And finally, the dessert -- "Lemon pudding cake with hot raspberry and strawberry fondue, with vanilla bean ice cream, fresh cream, and mint..."

Doesn't it all look amazing?

You know, the animals, the fun indoor and outdoor activities, and the food are all wonderful ... but that's not really what a While We're Waiting Weekend is all about.  The times of fellowship, encouragement, and prayer we had together over the course of the weekend were indescribable.  Those are things I can't capture in photographs.

This weekend together gave us an opportunity to talk about our children with people who genuinely wanted to hear about them, to share our struggles and our victories with people who truly understand, and most importantly, to discuss what God is teaching us through our experiences.  Our discussion was rich, and our bond was deep.

We ended the retreat on Sunday morning with a time of praise and worship.  Let me tell you, there is nothing like the sacrifice of praise that rises up to Heaven when a group of parents who have lost children sings "It Is Well With My Soul" together, especially if you know the history of that song.

We also had a special couple come to share with us on Sunday morning.  These folks lost their teenage son to a single strike of lightning thirty years ago.  He was mowing a neighbor's grass, trying to earn money to go on a mission trip.  If anyone would have a reason to question God's goodness, it would be this couple.  But instead of abandoning their faith, they have spent the last thirty years applying their faith.  They assured us that there is life after the loss of a child, and not just life, but abundant life.  They reminded us of what it means to truly live well while we're waiting to be reunited with our children in Heaven one day.

So, here we are, a group of bent, but not broken, parents ... determined to serve Him while we're waiting for that glorious reunion!

Ten on the Tenth -- Ten "Gifts" Given In a Year of Cancer

I'm not sure why this post is coming now, more than three years after Hannah went to Heaven.  The other day as I was driving (that seems to be when I do my best thinking these days), I was reflecting back on the year that Hannah had cancer and remembering some of the wonderful "gifts" that came our way that year.  I put "gifts" in quotation marks because I'm not referring to presents here, though there were certainly many, many of those that came our way during that difficult year, and we appreciated every one of them.  No, I'm referring to intangible "gifts" of time, thoughtfulness, understanding, and sacrifice that our family received that year.

Could it be because I'm just now becoming "un-numb" enough to really, truly see some of the gifts that we received in the year that Hannah battled her cancer?  It's possible.  You know, when your child is fighting a life-threatening disease, you find yourself operating in purely survival mode.  You can't think too deeply about anything ... especially the future ... and you just live day to day, doing whatever's in front of you that needs to be done, and frankly, that's about all you can do.  Gifts are received and appreciated, but sometimes the emotional stamina needed to respond appropriately to them just isn't there.

So today, I'm going to attempt to list ten especially meaningful "gifts" our family received from February 2008 through February 2009.  I approach this task with some trepidation, because I certainly don't want to inadvertently omit someone's gift.  I cannot tell you how many cards, calls, emails, letters, meals, gift cards, financial gifts, etc., we received during that year, and we were so grateful for all of them.  In fact, I have an entire plastic tub filled with all of those cards, letters, and printed-out emails ... I've kept every single one of them.

But this is a list of exceptional things ... things that truly cost the giver something in money, time, or convenience.  A sacrifice was involved in each of these gifts.  And because I don't want to lessen that sacrifice, I'm not going to reveal any of the givers' names.  In a few cases, I've never even known their names, or I've forgotten them as a result of grief-fog.  So here we go...

1.  From the very beginning of our cancer journey, we started receiving cards from someone nicknamed "The Mailman."  I honestly thought he had earned that nickname because he mailed so many cards to people.  I had to laugh at myself when I found out he actually was a mailman.  Anyway, most of his cards were addressed to specific members of the family and were notes of encouragement.  The specific "gift" I am thinking of was when he sent Hannah a card a few weeks before Christmas of 2008.  The card contained a check with a note to her to use the money to buy her sister a Christmas present.  So, one day after one of our clinic visits at Children's Hospital, we went by Mardel's and Hannah selected a Bible for Bethany.  We had Bethany's name imprinted on it, and Hannah gave it to her for Christmas that year.  Thanks to The Mailman, Bethany has a special Bible, a treasured gift from her beloved sister.

2.  A few days after we learned that Hannah's cancer had returned, I attended the homecoming pep rally at the high school.  I had not been out in public since Hannah's doctor had informed us that she had basically no chance of survival, and I was extremely fragile emotionally.  I would never have even gone to this pep rally, except for the fact that Bethany was cheering and I felt that I needed to be there to support her.  I had already missed so many of her activities due to Hannah's illness.  I walked into the gym alone, without the foggiest idea of how I was going to sit there and watch all of Hannah's classmates celebrating homecoming and going on with their lives, while Hannah was at home recovering from her radiation treatment that day.  How was I possibly going to be able to hold it together?  About that time, one of the high school teachers came up to me, walked me to a seat, sat down beside me, and kept up some inane conversation in my ear the entire time we were there.  She babbled on and on about the decorations, the girls' dresses, the upcoming dance, everything under the sun.  I didn't have to do anything, not even formulate a reply to her comments ... but her chatter kept my mind distracted and protected me from the curious.  When it was over, she accompanied me to the exit, talking all the way, and it was almost as if the Red Sea parted ahead of us as we made our way through the crowd.  Looking back, it probably was like that ... I'm sure people were as uncomfortable about seeing as I was about seeing them.  Once I was outside, she disappeared into the crowd.  To this day, I don't know if she has any idea what she did for me that afternoon.  But I've always been grateful to her for getting me through a difficult situation.

3.  We will forever be grateful to the El Dorado High School Class of 1985 for their kindness to Hannah and our family.  This is my husband's graduating class, and they are an exceptionally close class.  A large number of his classmates followed Hannah's story, and as her 17th birthday approached, they took up a collection and even had a party (they called it a soiree'!) for her.  They presented her with a flat-screen TV, a DVD player, and a collection of her favorite movies.  We installed the TV in her bedroom (we've never allowed our kids to have TVs in their bedrooms, but this was a unique circumstance!) and that TV was a great way for her to pass the time when she didn't feel well enough to get out of bed.  Such a thoughtful gift.

4.  As Hannah's health deteriorated, our every-other-day visits to Children's Hospital became extremely taxing for her.  The usual routine upon arrival at the Hem-Onc clinic is to spend some time in the waiting room, then go to triage' where weight, blood pressure, etc., are checked, then come back out to the waiting room and wait some more for either an exam room to open up, or a bed to become available if the patient is there for an infusion of some sort.  One day in early February when we arrived for an infusion, the waiting room was packed and every bed in the infusion room was full.  It was obvious we had a long wait in front of us.  Hannah was completely exhausted just from the ride to Little Rock that morning, and could literally barely sit up in her wheelchair.  One of the nurses saw us sitting out there in the waiting room and called us back to room we'd never been in before.  It appeared to be a lounge of some sort.  She pushed a couple of chairs together, grabbed a blanket, and fixed Hannah up a comfortable place to rest while waiting for a bed to come open.  This was clearly not a routine thing for a nurse to do ... I will never forget her compassion that day.

5.  I believe I've mentioned on this blog before our family's deep affection for Spudnuts.  What is a Spudnut, you ask?   Only the best doughnut known to man.  And they can only be purchased in El Dorado, Arkansas, at a little hole in the wall called The Spudnut Shoppe.  These doughnuts are made with potato flour (thus the name) and when they are hot, they absolutely melt in your mouth.  Unbelievably good.  Anyway, sometime in the last couple weeks of Hannah's life, someone brought some Krispy Kreme dougnuts to her hospital room.  I held one to her lips, she took a bite, and she stated, "It's not as good as a Spudnut."  We all had a good laugh, and when I wrote my email update that night, I included her statement, knowing that all of our friends from El Dorado would enjoy that comment.  The next day, we received SIX DOZEN Spudnuts!  A man from Fort Smith(!) read that comment in my email, jumped in his truck, drove to El Dorado, picked up six boxes of Spudnuts, dropped them off at Children's Hospital in Little Rock, and then drove back to Fort Smith.  For those of you who may not be familiar with the geography of Arkansas, that's a full day of driving!  We didn't know him, and he didn't know us ... but he loved our daughter, and he wanted her to have some Spudnuts.  What an amazing gift!

6.  We left home with Hannah for the last time on February 16th, 2009, after I went into her room early in the morning to check on her and found her hemorrhaging.  Some dear neighbors came over later that day and cleaned up Hannah's room for us, even washing her bedding and taking her comforter to the cleaners, who cleaned it for free when they heard the story.  So when we returned ten days later after Hannah had left for Heaven, her room bore no traces of that traumatic final morning.  They also took care of our dog while we were gone, and kept our family members (who were staying in our house on and off during that time) well supplied with food.  What a blessing to have those things taken care of for us!

7.  As Hannah's health declined, we made the decision to transfer from Arkansas Children's Hospital to a hospice facility.  This was a heart-wrenching day for a couple of reasons ... we were leaving our Children's Hospital "family" and we were facing the reality that we were ending treatment.  The transport was to be by ambulance, and as I watched the ambulance guys transfer Hannah from her hospital bed to the rolling gurney, I was struck by how small and vulnerable she appeared.  I couldn't stand the thought of her riding in an ambulance all alone, and I asked the guys if I could ride with her.  They told me that it was against regulations ... no one could ride in the ambulance with them.  I was heartbroken as we followed the gurney down the halls and the elevators to the ambulance area.  Somehow, by the time we reached the ambulance they had changed their mind.  Not only did they allow me to ride in the ambulance, sitting beside Hannah, they let Bethany ride in the front seat.  I can't tell you how much taking that last ride with Hannah meant to me.

8.  Sometime during the eight days we were at the hospice center, someone anonymously left a book and some other items at the front desk for our family.  That book was "Holding On To Hope" by Nancy Guthrie, and it was the very first step in the journey that ultimately led to forming the "While We're Waiting" ministry.  And the formation of that ministry has been instrumental not only in our healing, but in the healing of many other bereaved parents.  I'm thankful that I now know who left that book that day, and I've had the opportunity to thank her personally.

9.  Many people came to visit us when we were in the hospice center, but only a few got to actually see Hannah during that time.  She was never one to like a lot of attention even before she got sick, and I knew she would not be comfortable with visitors, especially in her condition.  I wanted to protect her dignity as much as possible, and therefore, only the people I knew she would really want to see were allowed in.  And her friends were included in that group.  I will never forget the superhuman courage of her friends who came to see her in those final days.  How does a teenage girl find the strength to come see her formally vibrant friend who is now in the last days of her life?  I can tell you right now, I couldn't have done it when I was a teenager.  I would have been terrified.  But these girls screwed up their courage, put smiles on their faces, and came.  And I'm grateful for the gift of their presence.

10.  Finally ... there were thousands of people who sacrificially spent time on their knees and on their faces praying for our daughter and our family.  And those prayers were felt ... they carried us through every day of that year, and continue to carry us today.  All of those prayers for peace, comfort, strength, and even healing, were answered.  Hannah is already healed, eternally, and we are in the process of being healed.  We are so, so thankful for the gift of prayer.

So, there's my list, which is by no means a completing accounting of the gifts we received that year. Honestly, it's been an emotional and exhausting exercise to re-live all of these memories.

So why do it?  Why take the time to write about all of these things?  To remind all of us (including myself) that when God puts it on our heart to do something for someone, we need to do it.  We never know how He might use something that may seem small and insignificant to us.  If He can feed the multitudes with a few pieces of bread and fish, just think about what He can do with our little "gifts."  Let's resolve to keep our hands and our hearts open as we travel this road together.

Monday Mourning -- Prom 2012!

So Friday night was Magnet Cove High School's junior/senior prom.  Oh my, what a big deal it was!  We were out of school that day for Good Friday, so Bethany and I got to spend the whole day together taking care of all the pre-prom preparations.  Yes, we usually have our prom on Good Friday!  Something about that just never has felt right to me, but by having prom on Friday night, the kids are able to sleep in on Saturday and it doesn't interfere with going to church on Sunday morning.

Anyway, back to the pre-prom preparations.  There were the pedicures...Yes, I had to get one too!  How did I manage to reach the ripe old age of 46 before I ever got my first pedicure?  Actually, my favorite part is the massage chair!  This was my third one, and I enjoyed every minute of it.  Sitting next to my girl who was going on and on about how excited she was about the evening was pretty nice, too!

Next up was a trip to the salon for a fancy hair-do.  She wore her hair down, in some kind of "waterfall" style.  All I know is that it was gorgeous.  Just like her big sister, she's been blessed with a head full of great hair!

After that, it was off to get her make-up done.  We went to the Clinique counter at Belk on our hairdresser's recommendation.  Who knew that they do make-up there for free?  I couldn't believe it when the girl said we didn't owe her anything!  She did a great job and we enjoyed visiting with her, and yes, I left her a nice tip.

Let me stop here and say that, honestly, I find all of this pre-prom hoopla somewhat ridiculous.  I didn't go through this kind of preparation on my wedding day!  Of course, that was almost 25 years ago, and I guess times have changed.  And I must say, I did enjoy spending the whole day with my sweet daughter.

After nails, hair, and make-up, we went out to her date's parents' house to take some pictures....

Then it was off to the restaurant and a few more pictures...

Finally, they made it to the prom, which from all reports, was a huge success.  Bethany even won a $300 teeth whitening kit at the After Prom party!  Honestly, I think she should pass that along to her mom, don't you?

So, with all the fun activities surrounding prom, why is this a Monday Mourning post?  For a couple of reasons, actually.  The most obvious one is because Bethany's big sister was not there to share the day with her.  To help her pick out her dress, to help her decide how to wear her hair, to critique her make-up.  To lie in bed and whisper with her the night before prom about dancing, and dresses, and, of course, her date.  Which they certainly would have done, because "other Brad" (see previous post for the reason why we call him that) was actually a classmate of Hannah's, and they knew each other quite well.  In situations like this, where a big sister is called for, I often feel woefully inadequate.

And then there's the sadness I feel because Hannah never got to go to her high school prom.  And not even so much because I feel like she really missed out on anything, because what she's experiencing instead is so much better.  It's because I missed out on sharing the experience with her.  How I would love to spend a day with her now, just doing girl stuff ... or doing nothing at all but just being together!

But because of that ... because of that awareness of how much I have missed with Hannah, I was able to fully enjoy and appreciate that time with Bethany.  I was able to forget about the expense (just call me George Banks from "Father of the Bride"), the stress of rushing around from appointment to appointment (and running late all day), and the long night of waiting up for her and just enjoy the ride with my girl.

Father, let me never take time with my family for granted.  Help me to fully experience the joy that You give in every moment of life.