Thoughtful Thursday -- A Period or a Question Mark?

A friend recently forwarded me a devotional she received from Joel Osteen's ministry.  Normally, I'm not a huge fan of Joel Osteen ... he seems a little too "health and wealth gospel" to me ... but that is simply my opinion.  I could certainly be wrong on that.  (No "hate comments" please.)  Anyway, this particular devotional really spoke to me -- especially in light of my "February...Ugh!" post a few days ago.  Take a minute and read through it...

File It Away

Today's Scripture:  "Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty.  Neither do I concern myself with great matters, nor with things too profound for me."  Psalm 131:1, NKJV

When things happen in your life that you didn't plan, do you find yourself trying to reason it all out, or look for a "file," so to speak, in your mind?  What happens when you can't find a "file" to put it in?  What if you can't make sense of it all?

Here's the answer.  Every one of us needs to create a file in our thinking called an "I Don't Understand It" file.  When things come up that don't make sense and you can't figure it out, instead of getting frustrated or confused, simply put it in your "I Don't Understand It" file and leave it alone.  If you go through life trying to figure out why something bad happened, why it didn't work out, why my child didn't get healed, it's going to cause you to be bitter.  Part of trusting God means trusting Him when things don't make sense, knowing that His plan is always for your good; knowing that He will reveal all things in His time -- even if it means in eternity.

Here's what I've learned.  Don't put a question mark where God has put a period.  What the enemy meant for evil, God will ultimately use for your good.  Keep moving forward because God loves you, God is for you, and He has a great plan for you!

Bam!!  That hit me right between the eyes.  I find myself continually pulling out my "Hannah" file, flipping through it, studying it, analyzing it, questioning it, agonizing over it, re-living it ... you get the idea, right?  I don't think that in and of itself is necessarily wrong, because I believe God still has a lot to teach me through her life.  But here's what I do need to do ... Replace that question mark with a period.

Sometimes, even after nearly three years, I wonder if I've really accepted the fact of Hannah's death.  There are still times that none of it really seems real.  Maybe it's because I so desperately wanted there to be a different outcome to her cancer.  That's the question mark I'm referring to.  God put a period at the end of her life.  Not that there aren't still ripples on the pond resulting from her testimony of faith ... her influence continues to touch others.  But God drew a very distinct period on her earthly life on February 26, 2009, and I am not to scrawl a question mark there.

Of course, the key point to remember is that periods are earthly punctuation marks ... Since that earthly period appeared three years ago, Hannah's life has been a series of eternal exclamation points!  And that fact, if nothing else, should put to rest all the question marks!

Tell About It Tuesday -- An Interesting Indonesian Experience

As a missionary pilot in Indonesia, my brother has lots of interesting experiences.  This one ranks right up there!  Click on the link below to read about what happened to him recently...

Flour and Water Equals Honor and Respect

Monday Mourning -- February...Ugh!

I have really come to dislike February over the past few years.  Yes, I know it's just another month on the calendar, and as months go, February is generally pretty inoffensive.  In fact, since it's such a short month, it even goes by quickly.  Most people don't seem to mind February too much.

And this year, as I flipped my calendar page, I determined that I was not going to let February get to me this year.  I mean, after all, a lot of time has gone by!  And it really IS just another month on the calendar!

And yet, I find myself feeling like a punching bag, hanging from the ceiling, swaying back and forth as one blow after another hits its mark.

You see, February is filled with dates I'd much rather forget than remember.  I can't believe that it's been four years since Valentine's Day of 2008, the day our 16-year-old daughter, Hannah, began to show the first symptoms that something was very, very wrong.  Then, four years ago today, we first heard the words, "Your daughter has a brain tumor."  We checked into Arkansas Children's Hospital on the 21st, and Hannah underwent extensive brain surgery on February 25th.  On the 26th, we heard the words, "We got it all!" and we thought that was going to be the end of our journey.  A few days later we found out differently.

Between February of 2008 and February of 2009, Hannah bravely and patiently endured extensive radiation and chemotherapy treatments, but to no avail.  By Valentine's Day of 2009, Hannah's mind had become very simple ... her short term memory was so damaged, she thanked her Daddy every few minutes for the roses he sent her that day.  In the wee hours of the morning of February 16th, we discovered her hemorrhaging in her bedroom and rushed her to Arkansas Children's Hospital.  She was quickly stabilized, but an MRI done that day revealed that her cancer had spread extensively.  We moved into a hospice center on February 18th, an emotionally excruciating experience in and of itself.  On February 26th, Hannah left her room at the hospice center and stepped directly into the waiting arms of Jesus.  And we left the hospice center and went home without her.

Yes, they are just dates on the calendar, but the memories brought back by each and every one of them still feel like sucker punches directly to the gut.  No ... It's not as painful as it was the first year or two ... and I'm thankful for that!  Each day of this month, though, I find myself thinking back ... thinking about what we were thinking, feeling, and experiencing each day.  Those carefree, blissful days before Valentine's Day of 2008, the terrifying, yet hope-filled days surrounding her surgery and recovery, and those heavy, heartbreaking days leading up to her death.  I can't help but re-live each one of those days again.

So, all I can say is, "February...Ugh!"  I'll be glad when yet another February is behind me.

Thank God that His mercies are new every morning!  Check this out from Lamentations (how appropriate, huh?) 3: 17-26, 31-33...

"My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, 'My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.'  Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall!  My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.  But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope, the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.'  The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord .... For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though He cause grief, He will have compassion according to the abundance of His steadfast love; for He does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."

There are some really good promises in that passage.  Some things I definitely remember when February starts dragging me down.  Thank You, Lord, for eternal hope that is not dependent upon circumstances!

Monday Mourning -- Bereaved Siblings

Think back to your childhood for a few minutes.  Think about some of your fondest childhood memories.  How many of them involve your brothers and/or sisters?  It's hard for me to remember back to my early childhood growing up in the north woods of Wisconsin without my older brother being all around the fringes of my memories.  He teased me, annoyed me, picked on me, even occasionally beat on me, but he was always there for me, and we had a lot of fun as each other's playmates growing up together.  And then, when I was 12 years old, my younger brother was born, and I was thrilled to finally  have a sibling who couldn't beat me up!

It was this younger brother and his family who stayed with us for two weeks about a month ago.  They have the two sweetest, most unspoiled little girls ever ... a result of great parenting, certainly, but also attributable to growing up in Indonesia, unaffected by American-style materialism.  Here they are after a visit to Burger King a few weeks ago...

These little girls are exactly two years apart in age, and on March 26th, they will turn 5 and 3.  They are extraordinarily close sisters, and in many ways they remind me of my girls when they were little.

Julia, the older one, is a thinker and an observer.  She will hang back from a new situation and quietly observe with serious eyes before cautiously entering in.  Katie, on the other hand, will barrel into any situation, with little or no hesitation.  Julia serves as Katie's interpreter (even though Katie doesn't usually need one), and you can see her watching over her little sister with love and concern.  Katie is a ham, and Julia is completely content with handing over the spotlight to her sister, even drawing other's attention to what Katie is doing.  It's clear that she is proud of her little sister.  As for Katie, if you watch carefully, you can see how she admires her big sister and revels in her approval.

Hannah and Bethany's relationship growing up is mirrored in the above description of Julia and Katie.  Hannah was the serious-minded, cautious, over-thinking big sister, and Bethany was the fun-loving, impetuous, afraid-of-nothing little sister.  She served as Bethany's rudder, keeping her grounded and helping her make wise decisions in spite of her flightiness.  Hannah was always content to remain in the background, while allowing and even encouraging Bethany to take the spotlight.  Hannah was Bethany's biggest fan and cheerleader, and Bethany thrived on her big sister's approval and support.

But then, Hannah got sick.  Suddenly, the big sister who was always there for her was missing her ball games, spending time in the hospital, throwing up every morning, losing her hair, and growing weaker every day.  And then she was gone.

So what happens when a child loses a sibling?  I will be the first to say that I don't really know...I've never lost a sibling, so there is no possible way I can even come close to understanding that kind of loss. But I want to share a few things I've learned over the past few years.  These things are based on conversations I've had with Bethany and with other parents who are raising bereaved children.  I share them somewhat cautiously, knowing that I am no expert in this area.  I also know that all bereaved sibling situations are different...some kids lose an older sibling, some a younger one; some kids have other siblings, others become an instant only child; some kids lose their siblings suddenly, and others watch their sibling go through a long illness; and I'm sure that the age of the child at the time of loss can have a huge impact.  In fact, before I publish this post, I'm going to have Bethany read it, because if anyone can be an expert on this topic, she is.

So here we go....Things I've learned about struggles of bereaved siblings:

1.  Bereaved siblings feel very alone.  In our case, Bethany lost her closest friend and confidante.  None of her friends could even come close to understanding her loss.  As her parents, we couldn't even understand her loss.  She often said, "You and Dad have each other.  I don't have anybody."  And she was right.

2.  Bereaved siblings struggle spiritually.  So do bereaved parents, but at least we have the benefit of life experience, and many of us have walked with the Lord for years.  We've experienced His provision and His comfort during other difficult times in our lives.  We've seen Him carry others through times of loss, and we know deep down that we can trust Him, even when we don't understand what He's doing.  Our kids don't have those advantages.  All they know is that God has let them down...disappointed them in the biggest way imaginable.  For many of them, this is the first crisis of faith they've ever faced, and they often don't have any idea how to handle it.

3.  Bereaved siblings struggle academically.  Bereaved parents are often able to take a leave of absence from work following the death of their child.  And when we do return to work, we don't get grades on our performance.  Our bosses and co-workers at least attempt to be sensitive and understanding as we muddle through those early days of grief.  Siblings are expected to return to school and pick up where they left off...all while fending off insensitive questions from curious classmates and trying to avoid being sucked into the drama that naturally occurs when a young person dies.  It's not drama for them...It's their life.  And while they struggle to maintain focus and attention on schoolwork with a grief-clouded brain, they are being graded on their performance.

4.  Bereaved siblings struggle socially.  Many of them find themselves living in the shadow of their deceased sibling.  When a young person dies, the natural tendency is to put them on a pedestal, revering their good qualities and forgetting their flaws.  This puts the surviving sibling in the difficult position of trying to live up to an impossible standard, causing them to either live in perpetual frustration, or leading them to give up on that entirely and establish themselves as a unique individual, possibly even the opposite of their sibling.  They also often find themselves in awkward situations, such as when people ask them how many brothers and sisters they have.  If it's hard for us parents to answer the dreaded "How many children do you have" question, how much more difficult is it for our children?  Do they risk the shocked expression on the asker's face when they explain that their sibling died...or do they "betray" their sibling by replying, "None.  I'm an only child."  And then what do they say to their friends who constantly complain about their own siblings, saying things like, "I hate my sister", or "I wish I was an only child"?  How much do those kinds of comments add to their pain?

5.  Bereaved siblings lose their rudder.  Think about your own siblings.  How often have they given you advice or counsel that you might not accept from anyone else (including your parents)?  Our siblings keep us grounded...help us stay on the right track...even keep us humble.  What happens when that grounding influence is gone?  The surviving sibling can lose his or her way in life...finding themselves floating through life without direction, often spinning out of control, without a rudder to keep them on track.  It's sometimes incredibly difficult for them to get their feet back under them.

5.  Bereaved siblings lose their parents.  What I mean is, just when a kid needs his parents the most, the parents may be completely unavailable to him.  Oh, they may be present physically, but may be totally absent emotionally.  A parent who loses a child may be so consumed with their own grief, they have nothing left for their surviving children.  They try...they try really hard to be the kind of parent they need to be...but it is incredibly difficult.  And by the time the parent has sufficiently recovered to truly turn their attention back to their child, that child may have already developed his own way of dealing with his grief, which may or may not be healthy.  And even then, they will never, ever be the same parent that their child has always known.

OK...I know this is by no means an exhaustive list, but I think it covers most of what I've learned, anyway.  I'm going to stop right here and let Bethany read what I've written.  Then I'll find out how much I've actually learned!

************************************

All right, Bethany has given her wholehearted approval to what I've written.  So I now have permission to publish this.

One final thing...I have really come to believe that siblings are the forgotten part of the bereaved family.  Case in point:  Nearly three years have passed since Hannah left us for Heaven, and I am just now writing this post.  Not that I have forgotten Bethany or been unaware of her pain, but I feel like I am just now beginning to understand all the complexities of what she's experienced.  Maybe because I am just now able to really see past my own nose, or maybe because a sibling's pain is so much deeper and more complex than I ever imagined.

If you are reading this and you have lost a sibling, or if you are parenting a child who has lost a sibling, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences related to this topic.  Please post your comments below.  I am definitely open to learning all I can about it.  We believe that the Lord may be leading "While We're Waiting" to host a retreat for bereaved siblings at some point in the future, and this is a baby step in that direction.

Ten On The Tenth -- Ten Incredibly Boring Facts About Me

Yes, I realize it is actually the 11th.  I thought up this post yesterday, but just didn't have time to sit down and type it until today....Does that count?

Actually, I had a hard time thinking of a topic for this month's Ten on the Tenth.  Then I saw where a particular blogger I follow had listed "Ten Incredibly Boring Facts" about himself.  And I thought to myself, "Hmmmm...I bet I can do that...I'm pretty boring."  So, if you really want to know Ten Incredibly Boring Facts about me, read on...

1.  After watching Nadia Comaneci receive seven perfect 10's in the 1976 summer Olympics, I made up my mind that I was going to grow up to be an Olympic gymnast.  I did not let the fact that I was already 5'8" in the fourth grade deter me.  Eventually my total lack of athletic prowess did that for me.

2.  I loved playing with snakes with I was little.  I grew up in northern Wisconsin, where there are lots and lots of snakes, but very few of them are poisonous.  So I made pets out of the grass snakes, red bellies, and garter snakes.  I wouldn't recommend that in Arkansas.

3.  My first car was a blue 1977 Chevy Monza.  It ate fuel pumps and spit them out on a regular basis, but it was my car (paid for with my own money), and I loved it.

4.  My first real job (at age 15) was as an envelope stuffer in a real estate office.  Over time, my responsibilities expanded to the position of office manager, and I even took and passed the real estate exam during my first year of college.  I worked there all through high school and during college breaks, and even one summer after I got married.  What a great job it was...and it helped pay for the aforementioned Chevy Monza and all its fuel pumps.

5.  I became a certified scuba diver when I was in high school.  Diving is a rather expensive hobby, and I don't own any of my own equipment, so I have had few opportunities to do it since becoming certified.  Brad and Bethany also got their PADI certification when we went to Jamaica a few months after Hannah's death, and we had such a wonderful time on that trip diving together.  Would definitely like to do more of that.

6.  I met my husband at a function.  What is a function, you may ask?  Brad and I attended Ouachita Baptist University, a Southern Baptist college where dancing is officially frowned upon.  However, off-campus "functions" took place nearly every weekend, and we met at the very first one of my sophomore and his freshman year.  The rest, as they say, is history.

7.  I'm a word nerd.  I love words...analyzing them, knowing their spellings, understanding their etymology, employing them in just the right situations.  I began reading when I was four years old, before starting kindergarten, and I just seem to be hard-wired for written language.

8.  I played the tuba in the high school band.  It started out as a lark...thinking it would be fun to do something that few girls would ever do...but I ended up really enjoying it.  However, when I graduated, I set down the tuba and have never picked it up again.  So don't ask me to play in the church orchestra.

9.  I love contemporary Christian music and have very eclectic taste within that genre.  My iPod has songs that range from Steve Green and Sandy Patti all the way to Lecrae and TobyMac.  I once said I would never have an iPod...I loved my extensive collection of CDs and just couldn't imagine giving them up.  Yeah, I once said the same thing about electronic books.

10.  I am directionally-challenged.  When we were engaged, Brad used to tell me that when we were married he was going to buy a really long string, and tie one end to my thumb and one end to our doorknob....That way I'd always be able to find my way home.  And you know, it's just about that bad.  It's sad, really.  I truthfully believe that whatever part of the brain that's supposed to regulate directionality is simply missing from mine.  Oh well, we've been married for 24 1/2 years now, and so far, I've always found my way home...and I hardly ever have to use the string!  :)

Tell About It Tuesday -- A Little Girl In Need of Prayer

I would like to introduce you to Haley Gloria.  Haley is the 7-year-old daughter of Jason & Lisa Gloria from Hot Springs, Arkansas, and she has an older sister named Hannah.  Lisa and I became acquainted through Relay for Life.  She had followed my Hannah's story, and has always taken an interest in our family.  We would always visit at the team captain's meetings, and one month she asked me if I would share "Why I Relay" with the entire group.  She was also instrumental in getting our family to be the honorary torch lighters at last year's Relay.  Although we've never really socialized outside of Relay for Life events, I've always felt a special bond with her ... maybe because we both have daughters named Hannah!

A little over a week ago, Haley had an MRI after a couple weeks of baffling symptoms, and she was immediately rushed to Arkansas Children's Hospital.  The MRI revealed the presence of a tumor in the area of her cerebellum and brainstem.  On February 2nd, she underwent a 16 hour surgery, and they were able to remove all but about a centimeter of the tumor, which was just too close to the brainstem.  The family has already been told that it is cancer, and she will be having a spinal tap this week to check for cancer cells in her spinal fluid.  

Haley and her family have a long and difficult road ahead of them.  I believe that God can bring complete healing to this precious child.  Please pray for healing for Haley, and for peace, comfort, strength, and stamina for her family.  You can follow her story on Facebook at "Prayers for Haley Gloria".  Let's surround this family with prayers and love, as only the body of Christ can!

Monday Mourning -- A Crowded Club

We had the great privilege of making a trip to Wynne, Arkansas, yesterday, to share our testimony in a Sunday School class there.  This class is led by our dear friends and "While We're Waiting" alumni, Rex and Mary Jones.  The Jones's invited us to come quite awhile ago, and after several months of trying to find a date that would work for all of us, we finally made the trip yesterday.  And what a great day it was!

I'd like to tell you about the day in reverse order...if that makes any sense.  The highlight of the day was the Sunday School hour, and I want to save that part for last.  So, I'll start with our lunch, which was also a highlight.  We had lunch at the Jones's house with Rex and Mary and their daughter, Tori, and another couple, Steve and Kim Dillard.  Kim and I have been "e friends" for two or three years now, but had never actually met until yesterday.  I honestly can't even remember exactly how we became acquainted, but I do remember why.  Her husband, Steve, was diagnosed with an oligodendroglioma brain tumor back in 2002.  They were originally told that it was inoperable, but Dr. Yasargil, a surgeon at UAMS, was able to successfully remove it. His tumor returned in April of 2010, and they have been in the battle anew ever since.  We have talked often over the last couple of years, comparing chemo medications, side effects, etc. What a blessing it was to finally meet them in person.  They are a wonderful example of grace and peace in the midst of a difficult life situation.  Thankfully, Steve's most recent MRI showed shrinkage of his tumor...Praise the Lord!

The worship service at the church was also a highlight.  (Are you getting the idea by now that the whole visit was a series of highlights?  OK, good.)  Well, the worship leader for the day was none other than Dennis Jernigan.  Dennis Jernigan has written many of the choruses which are sung in today's churches..."Nobody Fills My Heart Like Jesus", "You Are My All In All", "There Is a Fountain", and many more.  He had been at this church leading a weekend conference for music pastors.  What a nice treat for us!  He shared his remarkable testimony about how God has set him free from homosexuality.  He has been married to his wife, Melinda, for 27 years, and has nine children.  If you ever have the opportunity to hear him in person, jump at it!

Now for the real highlight of all the day's events...the Sunday School class.  The Jones's, knowing what the topic of our testimony would be, invited everyone they knew who had lost a child or other loved one into their class that morning.  They even asked the regular members of the class to attend another class across the hall, to be sure there would be enough room for visitors.  The class ended up being standing room only, as more and more people came in who had suffered significant losses, many of them who had lost children.  It was humbling, actually, to speak to a whole room full of these folks.  Afterward, we had the opportunity to visit with many of them, and what a blessing that was.

But here is what we came away with...Just as that Sunday School classroom was crowded, this Bereaved Parents Club is crowded.  This is a club that no one...no one...ever wants to be a part of...yet there are so many of us!  Wynne is a relatively small northeast Arkansas town, with a population of only 13,000 people, yet here was this Sunday School classroom in a relatively small church which was standing room only, filled with mostly bereaved parents.  And they represented probably only a small fraction of the people from Wynne who could have been there.  That's a lot of hurting people!

We believe that God has a plan for "While We're Waiting" to reach out to people just like these folks throughout the state of Arkansas, and maybe even someday around the country.  Will you pray for us as we seek to follow His leadership in how to minister to this unfortunately crowded club?

Tell About It Tuesday -- While We're Waiting Mom's Day

We had our third "While We're Waiting" Mini-Retreat for Bereaved Moms on Saturday, and God gave us another amazing day.

Five moms came and blessed us by sharing their children's stories with us.  One of these dear moms had lost two children, and one had lost four.  Yes, four.  A son and a daughter were stillborn, one son was killed in a car accident, and another son was murdered.  I was rendered speechless by the enormity of her loss.  This mom was raised in an orthodox Jewish home, and did not accept Jesus as her Messiah until after her children's deaths.  She became involved in Bible Study Fellowship as a self-described "bitter old woman" and her life was transformed.  She floored me when she made the statement, "Knowing Christ is worth any cost."  What a testimony.

This particular Mom's Day was a little different than the other two we've had, simply because of the group that God put together.  Each of these moms was at least eight years out from the time she'd lost her child or children.  That gave our conversation a depth and richness that could only come from experience with deep pain and grief.  I really think that we hostesses (who are only two and three years out from our losses) may have benefited more from the conversation than anyone!  I also think the day provided these ladies with an opportunity just to talk about their kids...something they don't often have the opportunity to do since so much time has passed.

Here's our group picture...I fell in love with these ladies on Saturday!

We are blessed to have two ladies who bless us with their "decorating ministry."  Before every Mom's Day, they come and work their magic on Janice's already beautiful home.  This time, they transformed her dining room table into a sparkling winter scene.

And, of course, there are the obligatory pictures of the food.  First, the appetizer, which in Food Channel lingo was "Cold roasted pork tenderloin encrusted with truffle salt and cracked pepper with buttered croutons, horseradish butter cheese, and caramelized onion marmalade."

Then, the salad, which was "Wedge of iceburg with Thai dressing made from sunflower seeds, yellow tomatoes, carrots, and curried Chinese noodles." 

This was followed by the intermezzo..."strawberry sorbet with blueberries and ginger ale."  I wish I could cleanse my palate with this every day! 

Then it was time for the entree'.  It was amazing!  Check out the "chicken osso bucco with garlic red skin potatoes, braised brussels sprouts with bacon and carrots with a white teriyaki sauce."

Finally...what we'd all been waiting for -- dessert!  This was "chocolate mousse with strawberries and raspberry sauce."  It was oh, so good!

And no, I didn't have all those Food Channel descriptions memorized.  Our awesome chef, Chef Franklin, provided me with those.

All in all, this particular "While We're Waiting" Mom's Mini-Retreat was a real blessing for me in particular.  I was so touched listening to the testimonies of these ladies as they shared the lives of their precious children with us, and how their faith had carried them through the years.  I simply felt honored and privileged that God allowed me to be a part of this special day.

Monday Mourning -- My Redeemer

Our house is very quiet tonight.  The Christmas decorations are (finally) put away, and toys and books are no longer littering the floor.  The TV is tuned to women's college basketball, and we're each in our favorite seat in the living room.  Ahhhhhh....relaxing.

But, to tell the truth, I really miss the toys on the floor, and the bedtime stories, and the little girl hugs and giggles!  We had such a great time with my brother and his family over the past two weeks.  The highlight of our time together was Saturday before last, when the whole family got together to celebrate Christmas and my dad's 75th birthday.  It was the first time our entire family had all been together since Hannah's funeral nearly three years ago.

I had forgotten how much fun Christmas is with two little girls around.  They looked forward all week to the day when they could finally open presents, and it was so much fun to watch them!  They especially loved their princess outfits and their Sit and Spins!

There was so much joy in having our family all together again....except for the fact that Hannah was not there.  And, wow...would she have loved to have been there.  Family gatherings were absolutely her favorite thing.  How she would have laughed at those little girls' antics!

Several times during their visit, I was tempted to let sorrow overwhelm me, simply because I wanted Hannah to be there with us so badly.  I just wanted to be able to share all of these fun family experiences with her.  I know that she's not missing out on anything (how could she miss out on anything while she's in Heaven?), but I felt that I was missing out on something!

But every time I started to feel that way, I was reminded that the Lord is my Redeemer.  Not only has He redeemed my soul by paying the price for my sin ... I believe He will redeem all of the time I have lost with Hannah.  And what a comfort that is!  I am looking forward to that day!

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand on the earth."  Job 19:25

SO EXCITED!!

We are SO EXCITED here at the Sullivan household!  Well, wouldn't you be if this kind of cuteness was headed to your house?

Those are my nieces, Katie and Julia, and they will be flying into Little Rock around 8:45 this evening.  And they are coming all the way from Indonesia!  Yes, their parents will be with them....and we're absolutely giddy about seeing them, too, don't get me wrong....but I'm not gonna lie...we are Excited with a capital E about seeing these two little girls.  

The last time we saw my brother's family was June of 2009, just a few months after Hannah went to Heaven.  Katie was not even three months old.  They are full-time missionaries with Mission Aviation Fellowship, and they have been in Indonesia for the past six years.  They've been home one other time during that stretch of time, when their furlough just "happened" to fall during Hannah's last months of life.  Amazing how God works those things out, isn't it?  

Here's a picture from that time.  We were at Children's Hospital where Hannah was about to get a platelet infusion.  Julia was enthralled by an episode of Dora the Explorer on TV....a whole new experience for her!  A good day.

So, now you know why we're so excited at our house.  The blog may be "going dark" for a couple of weeks while they're here...We want to enjoy every minute we have with them.  See you then!

Ten on the Tenth -- My Favorite JOY Verses

Verses about JOY abound in the Bible.  Here are ten of my favorites....

1.  "So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your JOY from you."  John 16:22

2.  "These things have I spoken to you, that my JOY may be in you, and that your JOY may be full."  John 15:11

3.  "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of JOY."  Job 8:21

4.  "For His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime.  Weeping may tarry for the night, but JOY comes in the morning."  Psalm 30:5

5.  "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will praise you forever."  Psalm 30:11-12

6.  "You make known to me the path of life; you fill me with JOY in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."  Psalm 16:11

7.  "Consider it pure JOY, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."  James 1:2-3

8.  "And provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of JOY instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  Isaiah 61:3

9.  "Shout for JOY, you heavens; rejoice you earth; burst into song, you mountains!  For the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones."  Isaiah 49:13

10.  "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!"  Psalm 126:5

OK...Now I need to admit something.  I just realized this afternoon that it was the 10th of the month, and I started wracking my brain trying to think of something I could list ten of.  I'm short on time this afternoon...we're leaving in about 45 minutes for a basketball game in Conway...and I thought, "I'll just make a list of my ten favorite JOY verses, and I won't need to write any commentary with it." 

Well, as I typed this list, I was struck by how many of these verses have the word "JOY" juxtaposed with grief, tears, trials, affliction, etc.  Maybe that's just because I'm drawn to verses like that because of my own experience, and that's why these are my favorites.  Or maybe it's because that's how God so often works ... allowing us to experience heartbreaking sorrow, but always following it up with a restoration of JOY.  And maybe it's also because our capacity for JOY expands based on the depth of our sorrow ... the greater the sorrow we've experienced in life, the greater our ability to experience true JOY.  And, of course, the JOY we experience here on earth is nothing compared with the fullness of JOY we will know when we are reunited with Him and our loved ones in Heaven someday.

Wow.  I don't know about you ... but I really needed this Ten on the Tenth!

Tell About It Tuesday -- "While We're Waiting" Update!

A lot has been going on with "While We're Waiting" over the last few weeks, and I'm so excited to be able to tell you about it!

Just in case you're new to the blog, let me fill you in on what "While We're Waiting" is all about.  It's a ministry to bereaved parents that we, along with another couple, started several months ago.  The name comes from the dilemma that every parent who has lost a child must face ... How am I going to live while I'm waiting to be reunited with my child in Heaven someday?  Am I going to abandon my faith or apply my faith?  Am I going to become bitter or better?  How can I live so that my child and my Lord are honored by my life?  The "While We're Waiting" ministry seeks to bring together bereaved, but believing, parents to offer support to each other as we grapple with these questions.

The main vehicle we've used to bring parents together is a series of retreats.  Since April of 2011, we've hosted  two weekend retreats for couples, one weekend retreat just for Dads, and two one-day mini-retreats just for Moms.  Every one of these events has been an incredible blessing, not only for the attendees, but also for us as the hosts.  God has showed up in a powerful and unmistakable way each time, and we have been humbled by what He has done.

So, now that you know what "While We're Waiting" is all about, let me share some news with you!

1.  "While We're Waiting" now has a Facebook group.  I formed this group a couple of months ago as a way of keeping bereaved parents connected, and to be a source of encouragement through the holidays.  We are now up to 39 members, and it's been a great way to keep in touch with other parents who have experienced the loss of a child.  If you are a bereaved parent and would like to join, simply type "While We're Waiting" into the Facebook search bar and request to join.  We'd love to have you!

2.  "While We're Waiting" is now a corporation.  We are in the process of seeking public charity 501(c)(3) status, and that is the first step.  We were actually officially incorporated as of August, but have just now started the 501(c)(3) process.  In hopes of saving attorney's fees, we are attempting to complete the process ourselves, and that was one of my major projects over the Christmas break.  Our board of directors will be meeting tomorrow evening to review it all before we send it in to the IRS.  Please join us in praying that we receive approval as we take this big step.

3.  One reason we are seeking 501(c)(3) status is because our board has decided to do away with all registration fees for our retreats.  We feel that God is leading us to provide all of our events at no cost to our participants, because we don't want anyone to be unable to attend due to financial issues.  We will take a love offering at each of our events, and we'd like for people's donations to be tax-deductible.  I've spent the day today updating our website to reflect these changes.

4.  We also have had new brochures printed, reflecting the fact that there is no cost for our retreats.  If you have a friend or family member that you'd like to give a brochure to, please click here to email me and request one.  I'll be happy to send you one or twenty ... however many you'd like.

5.  We have decided to open up our couples' retreat to singles as well.  We had two single moms attend our last couples' retreat in November, and it was a real blessing to have them there.  So I've also been updating all of our information to reflect this change.

6.  Our next "While We're Waiting" Mini-Retreat for Moms is right around the corner.  It is scheduled for Saturday, January 28th, and will be held at my friend Janice's home overlooking beautiful Lake Hamilton in Hot Springs, Arkansas.  It will run from approximately 9:30 a.m. until 6:30 p.m., and each Mom who attends will receive a massage, and enjoy a five-course gourmet meal prepared and served by our own private chef.  We'll spend the day sharing our kids' stories as well as discussing issues that we all face as grieving Moms.  There is room for a total of six Moms to attend, and two of the spots are already taken, so we are looking for four more Moms who would like to come make some new friends.

7.  And just a reminder...our next couples'/singles' retreat will be April 20-22; and our next Dad's retreat will be May 4-6.  It's never too early to sign up and reserve your spot!

8.  Check out the "While We're Waiting" website for more information or to register for any of these events.  I spent quite a bit of time this morning getting it all updated and a little better organized, and I'm pretty pleased with the results.

9.  Finally, please join us in praying for wisdom as we seek God's leadership for "While We're Waiting."  We'd really like to host an event for bereaved siblings at some point in the future, because all of us bereaved parents seem to have concerns about our surviving children.  We've even discussed hosting an event for grandparents who have lost grandchildren.  And we'd even like to expand "While We're Waiting" further someday ... "While We're Waiting" doesn't just apply to parents who have lost children.  Maybe someday we could host an event for those who are waiting to be reunited with a beloved spouse.  We are seeking to be obedient to God's leadership in all of these areas.

10.  What else can you do besides pray?  Help us spread the word!  Tell people about "While We're Waiting" ... give them a brochure, send them to the "While We're Waiting" Facebook page, direct them to our website.  If you'd like for us to come share about "While We're Waiting" in your Sunday School class, church, civic group ... we'd be glad to!  Just let us know when and where and we will be there.  Distance is really not an issue for us.  We appreciate your help in this area!

Maybe you can tell that we are ridiculously excited about what God is doing in and through this ministry, and we are humbly grateful that He is using us in this way.  Thank you for partnering with us in prayer and in spreading the word.  May He continue to use "While We're Waiting" as an instrument of healing and encouragement to many.

Monday Mourning -- Cousins

Yes, this is another post I meant to write before Christmas, on December 23rd, actually, but time just got away from me. 

When we went to Waco the weekend before Christmas to celebrate the holiday with Brad's family, we also got to attend my niece Faith's third birthday party.  Faith was born on the 23rd of December, just two months and three days before Hannah went to Heaven, and they really only got to meet each other once.  Here's a picture of that day...

I remember that Hannah really did not want to hold her.  Her body was clearly suffering from the ravages of cancer treatments, and she didn't think she was strong enough to hold a baby safely.  She argued against it, but I insisted even though she was probably right, because I really wanted to get a picture of them together.  And as you can see, they quickly warmed to each other, and this picture is a treasure.  We have very, very few pictures of Hannah after her diagnosis, because she didn't like to be photographed, so this one is really special. 

Now, here's a picture of Faith today, or at least a few weeks ago, at Thanksgiving time.

Sigh.  It makes me so sad that Faith never had the opportunity to get to know her cousin, Hannah, and neither did Katie Joy, another cousin who was born exactly one month after Hannah went to Heaven.  But I'm so grateful to their parents, who have done so much to make Hannah a part of their lives.  And that these little girls will someday have all eternity to get to know her.  Sure makes me thankful for Heaven!

Random Thoughts...

Just some random thoughts bouncing around in my head here on the last day of 2011.  Actually, most of them have nothing to do with the end of the year ... they're just things I've meant to blog about over the last few weeks but haven't had the time.  So, here we go.

1.  I turned 46 a couple weeks ago.  Kind of a strange feeling to be closer to 50 than 40.  I suppose I'll start getting stuff from AARP in the mail any day now.

2.  The best part of turning 46 was that I got a new laptop for my birthday.  Take a close look at the picture of the keyboard of my old laptop below.  Do you agree that maybe it was time for a new one?

Actually, this wasn't my laptop anyway...it was Hannah's.  When she turned 17, her aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even some others, all chipped in and surprised her with it for her birthday.  It was the perfect gift for her, because at that time she was going through her second round of radiation and was out of school.  It helped keep her connected with her friends and the world around her.  Unfortunately, it wasn't long before her vision deteriorated to the point where she couldn't see well enough to use it.  At that point, I took it over, and this is the computer that accompanied us to every hospital appointment and stay, and the means by which I wrote all of the emails which chronicled our journey.  It has served our family well, but lately, it's begun to sputter...so its number is being retired.

3.  Our Christmas stuff is still up, and will remain up until sometime after January 21st.  That is when we will be celebrating Christmas with my side of the family.  Why are we waiting until January 21st, you may ask?  Because that's when my brother and his family will be home on furlough from Indonesia.  The last time we saw them was just a couple of months after Hannah went to Heaven.  We are absolutely giddy at the prospect of seeing them soon!

4.  There are some very exciting things going on with the "While We're Waiting" ministry, and I can't wait to share them with you.  But, I am going to wait until my next "Tell About It Tuesday" post.  So be sure to check back next week.

5.  I'm excited about starting The 3650 Challenge tomorrow.  What is The 3650 Challenge, you ask?  It's also known as Professor Horner's Bible-Reading System -- a method in which you read ten chapters of the Bible a day, every day, for a full year.  Each of the ten chapters comes from a different book of the Bible.  If followed exactly, by the end of the year, you will have read 3,650 chapters. That would mean that over 2012 calendar year you would read through all the Gospels four times, the Pentateuch twice, Paul’s letters 4-5 times each, the Old Testament wisdom literature six times, all the Psalms at least twice, all the Proverbs as well as Acts a dozen times, and all the way through the Old Testament History and Prophetic books about 1.5 times.  Sounds interesting, doesn't it?  If anyone else is doing it, I'd love to hear from you.  There is actually a Facebook group called The 3650 Challenge to provide a forum for those of us who are doing it.  There are 1,348 members of this group, so I know I'm not the only one.  I plan to use the YouVersion Bible on my iPhone, which has this system available as one of its plans, and also another free app called Bible Bookmarks.  Anyway, I'm going to give it a try...I'll let you know how it goes.

6.  I'm totally geeked out about pulling out my new calendars tomorrow.  I may even have to put them up tonight...I just don't think I can wait!  :)

Thoughtful Thursday -- What Would I Do If...

On the Tuesday morning before Christmas, I bid Bethany good-bye as she headed off to basketball practice.  Christmas break was already in full swing, but, of course, basketball practice never takes a break.  She walked out the door, and I went into the bathroom and started blow-drying my hair.  I hadn't been in there two minutes when Brad appeared at the bathroom door yelling that Bethany had hit a deer.  I think my heart stopped momentarily before I managed to choke out, "Is she okay?"  He hollered back over his shoulder, "I don't know.  She just called me."  And then he was gone...pulling out of the driveway in his Chevy Blazer.

I yanked on some jeans (pajama pants are my garment of choice on Christmas break), and was out the driveway just a few minutes behind him.  We live in a very rural area, where the roads are curvy, and the deer are plentiful.  I came around a curve, and there they were, both their vehicles on the side of the road, Bethany engulfed in Brad's arms.  I pulled over and joined the group hug.  Bethany was fine, just a little shaken and scared.  Once I was assured that she was okay, I turned my attention to her car...and this is what I saw.

It was pretty ugly, and I hated to see her poor little car all bashed up like this, but, oh my, it could have been so much worse.  She had come around the curve to find four deer crossing the road.  Thankfully, she remembered her dad's advice not to swerve when encountering an animal in the road...if she had left the road, she would probably have struck a tree on one side, and would have gone into a deep ditch on the other side.  And if a deer rolls up and comes through your windshield...well, let's just not go there.

The bottom line is, Bethany was fine.  We made all the necessary calls to the insurance company and summoned a tow truck, and then I drove her on to basketball practice.  The wreck happened only about a mile from our house, and the school is only about two miles farther down the road.  I did walk in with her and explained to her coach why she was late, and why she might be a little distracted at practice.

It wasn't until I was headed home from the gym that the magnitude of the event started to sink in.  "Magnitude" may not be the right word here...in the grand scheme of things, it was really a pretty minor incident.  But to me, it was a reminder, like when Bethany had her concussion a couple months ago, that our family is not immune from further tragedy.

There's something in me that thinks, "We've lost a child to cancer.  Surely that means that nothing more can happen to us."  But I know that's not true.  When we moved from Wisconsin to Arkansas when I was twelve years old, I became friends with a girl who had lost all three of her brothers.  One had died shortly after he was born, one died at the age of ten from cancer, and one (the only one she ever knew) had died at the age of 17 in a car accident.  I knew all of this because she told me about it, but as a kid, I never even considered what her parents had gone through.  They were very kind to me, and I was always welcome in their home.  Now, after losing only one child, I wonder how in the world they survived so much loss.  I cannot even begin to imagine.

I recently read the story of Scott and Janet Willis's family in WORLD magazine.  Seventeen years ago, the Willises lost all six of their children when a piece of metal fell off a truck and punctured the gas tank of their minivan.  As they were being treated for severe burns at the scene, Scott said to Janet, "It was very quick.  And they're with the Lord now."  Then, as they were loaded into separate ambulances, he shouted out to her, "Psalm 34."  Janet, as she was surrounded by emergency workers, kept praying Psalm 34:1 out loud, "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth," with the emphasis on will.  What a beautiful picture of trust in God, despite unspeakably devastating circumstances.

Andree' Seu, the author of the article, wrote this:  "Praise meets trauma where nothing else can reach.  Praise in the face of devastation releases blessings obtainable in no other way.  The presence of God is directly related to worship."

Would that I could continue to praise God, even if another tragedy befell my family.  And even as I ask God to give me that kind of faith, I pray that I never have to find out if I really have it.

Wacky Wednesday -- Indonesian Instructions

I haven't had a Wacky Wednesday post for awhile, but when I saw this on my brother's blog, I just had to share it.  My brother and his wife are missionaries in Indonesia, and they celebrated Christmas just like we did this past weekend.  One of the gifts they got for their little girls was this "Funny House".

It was actually a house in two pieces...You had to buy both pieces and then put them together.  But that's not the wacky part.  Here's the part that made me chuckle...the comments on the package.

Hmmmm....Don't you wish you could encourage your exaltation kid's cognitive abilities with a toy like this?  :-)

Christmas 2011

Well, it's 9:00 p.m. on Christmas Day...and another Christmas is almost behind us.  And I have to say that I'm glad it's coming to an end.  Christmas is just not what it used to be.

It's not what it used to be when I was a little girl...when we used to have to wait until the grown-ups finished drinking their coffee after Christmas dinner before all of us kids (my brother and me and all our cousins) could start opening presents.  Can you believe they made us wait until the afternoon before we could open our presents?!  I never knew grown-ups could drink coffee so slowly!

It's not what it used to be when my girls were little...when Brad and I were almost more excited than they were about their presents.  My girls were not early risers, and we were usually awake on Christmas morning long before they were...anxiously waiting for them to get up and tear into their presents.

And it's certainly not what it was before Hannah left our earthly home for her heavenly home.  Certainly, the pain of her absence has moderated somewhat...the edges of the hole are not quite as sharp as they once were. The sadness is still there, but it's not crippling.

This year, more than ever, what has made me sad is thinking about how small our little family is.  There are only three of us, and it just feels so incomplete.  We were never supposed to be a family of three.  Brad and I had always wanted at least two children, preferably three.  Because of complications after Bethany was born, we were never able to have that third child, but that was okay...we were very content with our family of four.

We have a very large and loving extended family.  In fact, we celebrated Christmas with the Sullivan side of the family last weekend in Waco, Texas, at my sister-in-law's home.  We had a wild, raucous, wrapping-paper-ripping time of celebration while we were there.  We are planning a Christmas celebration with my side of the family when my brother and his family come home from Indonesia on furlough in mid-January.  We are really looking forward to that time with them, especially their two little girls, since we get to see them so rarely.

That meant that our Christmas celebration at home was very quiet this year, which is fine with us.  We live such busy lives, we really enjoy just having some relaxing time to be together as a family.  We decided to open presents on Christmas Eve this year.  We knew we'd be going to church this morning, and just didn't want to have to rush that family time together.

We did have a guest join us for the evening...Bethany's boyfriend, Brad.  I don't think he had any idea how much his presence helped us.  In fact, I don't think he had a clue.  The two of them have been friends for awhile now, and he's almost become part of the family.  For a few hours, it almost felt like we were a family of four again.  And I know it helped Bethany to have someone to open presents with.  We really had a nice evening together last night.  We also spent some time video-chatting with my brother in Indonesia on Skype, and that, too, helped our family not to feel quite so small.

As we walked into church this morning, I was struck once again by how small our family seemed.  We took our place in our usual pew, and I know it's weird, but I kept thinking about what a small amount of space we filled up.  I couldn't help but look at the families around us, all sitting together with their children, and looking somehow so much more "complete" than I felt we did.  I even felt like other people were looking at us and thinking, "Awwww...look at them.  Their family is so small without Hannah."  The sermon was pretty much lost on me, and I ended up fighting tears through the whole service.   By the time it was over, I had to get out of there.  I barely held it together until I got out into the parking lot...well, okay, I didn't really hold it together, but I gave it a valiant effort.  Sometimes, that's just all you can do.

We did have a really nice afternoon and evening...eating a delicious dinner of brisket with all of our favorite side dishes, watching movies, and playing games together.  So nice just to relax and enjoy being together.

The name of this blog is "The Sullivan Four."  That name actually comes from our email address, which for a few years now has been thesullivan4 at gmail.com.  It was from that address that I sent all of the emails that became the journal of Hannah's journey through cancer.  I started this blog after she went to Heaven, and I knew I wanted to use that name, but wondered whether it would really be more appropriate to call it "The Sullivan Three".  After all, weren't we now a family of three?

I didn't think about it long, though.  God quickly reminded me that even though Hannah is no longer physically present with us on earth, we are still a family of four.  There is a separation between us right now...but it is only temporary.  Hannah did not cease to exist on February 26, 2009...she is actually more alive than ever before...and we will be reunited with her one day.  So, even though it feels like our family is  small and incomplete right now, it won't always be that way.  We are still a family of four, "The Sullivan Four" if you will, and we will be throughout eternity.  And there is joy to be found in that.  Yet another reminder of what Christmas is all about.

Christmas Eve in Heaven

I've thought a lot about what to write here on the eve of our third Christmas without Hannah.  But I've decided, for a change, not to write about our family.

I want to share the remarkable story of Hallie Green, a precious little girl who was born six days ago in Atlanta, Georgia.  About six months ago, Hallie's parents found out that she would be born with Trisomy 13, a genetic disorder which causes a multitude of birth defects.  In fact, 80% of babies born with Trisomy 13 do not survive their first year of life.

Let me share some of what Hallie's dad wrote on their blog yesterday, on Hallie's fifth day of life:

"I can't write a word until I thank all of you who have sent gifts to our house, texted, wrote on the Hope For Hallie Facebook wall, brought meals, and most importantly... prayed for our family and Hallie.

I've got to be honest, when I first saw the signs and hashtags labeled "Hope for Hallie," I was a little nervous. I guess I wanted to make sure people knew what to hope for. The prayers for a miracle of full recovery in Hallie's health have been a braver prayer than I honestly was willing to pray. Probably out of the fear that God might not "fix" her. I also didn't want to assume that Hallie's health was the indicator of God's goodness to us. We've seen God's goodness in so many ways, and greatly through each of you. The bottom line is this: please don't hinge your willingness to believe in God on Hallie's survival.

The reality is, she won't.

I want to follow that horrible sentence with this. Hallie's survival was never our "Hope for Hallie." We knew the day we heard the words "Trisomy 13," Hallie's life would be short, and maybe just hours/days if she survived birth. Our "Hope for Hallie" is that people would see life as a gift, and draw near to God. Based on your comments here, and based on the Facebook wall, I would say: mission accomplished. More people know Hallie's name within the last five days than will know my name throughout my entire life. Please don't feel sorry for Hallie...or us.

We will continue to enjoy every moment we are given with Hallie. We're heartbroken. Extremely heartbroken. We cry...probably hourly. God's purpose for Hallie does not exempt us from the pain of losing her. Don't be misled into thinking we're all laughing and celebrating all of the time.

Hallie is perfectly-made for us. She has a cleft lip and palate, no eyes, and we're pretty sure she's deaf. But she's still perfect to us. Her soul shines through her.

Finally, I'll leave you with a shot taken last night shortly after we arrived home from the hospital. One of our "Hope for Hallie" participants (and later found out, a close family friend) went to Bass Pro Shop to do some family photos with Santa. She was holding a "Hope for Hallie" sign in the photo. Santa asked about it, and was moved by our story. He wanted to help bring some Christmas cheer to our family. And...at 9pm last night, after working a strenuous, all-day schedule, he drove the 30 miles south to our home to make us smile.

This single act of selflessness and love has got to be a top-three moment for me in my life. I would compare it to the "Move that Bus!" Extreme Home Makeover emotion. Incredible. He came with two elves (thanks Kristin and Lauren), and brought gifts for our girls and us, prayed for our family, and then lead us all in "Silent Night." I'll have a video of the girls' reaction up...well...soon. Santa, thank you for honoring our family in such a sacrificial way. (I see God's love all over this.)

Here is Santa loving on Hallie, our Christmas miracle...."

Isn't that just the most beautiful picture you've ever seen?

Hallie went to be with Jesus about 12:30 this morning, and is spending Christmas Eve with Him, which is soooo much better than spending it with Santa.

Please keep Chris and Katie Green, along with Bella and Farrah, Hallie's big sisters, in your prayers in the days ahead.  You might even write a word of encouragement to them on the "Hope for Hallie" facebook page.

Thoughtful Thursday -- JOY...Because of HOPE

Wow...I have really dropped the ball when it comes to blogging!  Even though Christmas break officially began last Friday, I have literally been too busy to sit down and write.  And I really don't like to write just for the sake of writing.  There have been several times that I've done that, and I'm never happy with the results.  My posts usually begin with a "seed"...something that's planted in my mind that often takes time to grow.  If I rush it along, it just doesn't turn out well.

Anyway, enough excuses.  I'm hopeful that Christmas break will afford me the opportunity to share some of what's been on my heart over the last few weeks.

Tonight, my thoughts are full of families who are preparing to spend their first Christmas without one of their precious children.  The second and third (and so on) Christmases are difficult, but nothing compares to the deep grief families experience on that first Christmas without their child.  And it seems there has been so much loss this year.  As I write this, I see face after face passing through my mind...all children now living in Heaven with Jesus.  And their parents are left here trying to learn how to just keep breathing without them.

I'm here by myself tonight...Brad and Bethany are at the deer camp, doing some duck and squirrel hunting for the next couple of days.  I love evenings like this, when I have the house to myself.  I've got a Christmas candle burning, my iPod in the stereo on shuffle, Lacee piled up next to me sound asleep, and I may even get the fireplace going after while.  The living room is lit up by our "JOY" tree...a Christmas tree with nothing on it but JOY ornaments.  I love this tree...every ornament on it is special to me for one reason or another.  

But I can't help thinking about all of these broken-hearted families...how physically heavy their grief is...all of them wondering if they will ever have JOY again.  I know that's how they feel, because I've been there.  Christmas of 2008 was filled with pain.  Even though Hannah was still here with us, we knew that without a miracle, it would be her last Christmas with us.  And we could see her body and mind deteriorating, bit by bit, right in front of us.  Christmas of 2009 was equally joyless as we tried to go through the motions of celebrating, but with our hearts so heavy, it was pretty much impossible.

But now, as we approach Christmas 2011, we are gradually finding our JOY again.  Not that we don't take steps backwards sometimes, but overall, we find ourselves moving forward.  And where does this JOY come from?  How can we have JOY when our family still has such a gaping hole in it?

The answer is simple, yet profound.  We have JOY because we have HOPE.  And isn't that what Christmas is all about really?  The Son of God coming to earth as a baby, living as a man, dying as a criminal, and rising again as a Savior ... all to bring us HOPE.  HOPE of forgiveness, HOPE of relationship with Him, and HOPE of Heaven when we die.  HOPE of being reunited with our children one day.  After all, He is the God of HOPE!

"May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in HOPE."  Romans 15:13

Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Smile

Before I start my list, I have to share some news....Our sweet little Glory Girl has met Jesus face to face.  She never actually had the opportunity to go home as they had hoped...recurring complications kept her in the hospital until angels carried her to her heavenly home early this morning.  I texted her mom with a message of encouragement this morning, not really expecting a reply.  Tears filled my eyes when I received this answer from Kerry, "I told Glory as I held her last night that she was going to be with Hannah."  And I thought about Hannah meeting Glory as she arrived and carrying her to Jesus.  What a beautiful picture of Glory in Glory!  Please keep Glory's family in your prayers as they face many difficult days ahead.

And now...back to my list.  Several weeks ago, I posted about Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Sad.  For quite awhile now, I've been wanting to add a new post..."Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Smile".  As a matter of fact, a couple of weeks ago I actually wrote the entire post, but then lost it when my laptop crashed.  Then basketball season began in earnest, and blogging has been on the back burner.

So, I want to make another attempt to share the "Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Smile", even though Hannah has been gone for almost three years now...

1.  Her complete lack of athleticism.  Hannah definitely took after me in her athletic ability.  Oh, she tried.  She played soccer, softball and even basketball when she was younger, but just running down the field or across the court required a supreme effort from her.  But the best thing was, she knew she wasn't an athlete.  I can't even picture her running without a smile on her face.  And that still makes me smile.

2.  Her obsessive-compulsive tendencies.  From the time she was little and lined up all of her bathtub toys by height along the edge of the tub...until she was old enough to drive and always had to have the volume on her radio set on an even number, her OCD made me smile.  And in her honor, I always smile as I set my volume on an even number, too (or a multiple of five, which was also okay with her)!

3.  Wearing her sweatshirts.  I always enjoy wearing her sweatshirts, even though I'm probably too old to wear clothes from Aeropostale.  It's almost like getting a hug from her, and that makes me smile.

4.  Her tendency to always lose games.  No one enjoyed family game night more than Hannah.  But no matter whether it was Mexican train dominoes, Uno, Phase Ten, or Sequence...she invariably lost.  I never could figure out why...she very well may have been the smartest one in the family...maybe she just didn't have that killer instinct.  But the fact that she was always ready to play still makes me smile.

5.  Sunflowers.  Of all the bedrooms Hannah had over the years (we moved often when the girls were growing up), my favorite one had a sunflower theme.  We painted the walls a sunny yellow, put up a sunflower border, and got a sunflower comforter.  It was such a pretty room, and ever since then, sunflowers have made me smile.

6.  Donating blood.  Over the year of Hannah's illness, she was the recipient of innumerable units of blood products.  I am so grateful for each and every blood and platelet donor who helped contribute to the length and quality of her life.  And because of that, I donate blood every time I am eligible.  Donating blood is a privilege that never fails to make me smile. 

7.  Her irrational fear of geese.  When Hannah was little, we used to go to a park in Fort Smith where we could feed the geese and ducks.  We'd bring a loaf of stale bread and spend the afternoon.  One time, Hannah was holding a bit of bread between her fingers, and a goose nipped the very tips of her fingers as it took the bread from her.  She ran to me screaming, and from that point on, she was terrified of geese.  We always laughed about that, and the thought of it still makes me smile.

8.  Our collection of JOY stuff.  A couple of years ago, I decided to start collecting JOY items, as a reminder of the JOY Hannah is experiencing in Heaven right now.  Her former bedroom is now our JOY room, and it is our goal to completely fill it with JOY stuff.  We also decorate for Christmas with JOY, which helps ease some of the pain of experiencing the holiday without Hannah.  In fact, last Sunday afternoon as we were decorating our Christmas tree, we realized that we had far too many JOY items to put on one tree.  So, Bethany and I ran out to Wal-Mart and bought another tree.  Now we have one tree with all of our traditional family ornaments, and one tree that is completely covered with JOY.  Many of these JOY items have been gifts from very special friends, and each and every one of them makes me smile.

9.  Her love of cheesy Christmas music.  Every year, when it was time to decorate the tree, Hannah would turn the TV to the satellite channel that played the classic Christmas tunes...you know, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Burl Ives, Brenda Lee.  And she would turn it up loud, so loud we could barely hear each other talking.  Hannah always was what some people call an "old soul"...and her love of cheesy Christmas music still makes me smile.

10.  Seeing Hannah in Bethany.  When my girls were growing up, they could hardly have looked more different.  Hannah was tall, somewhat stocky, with brown, curly hair.  Bethany was average height, very slightly built, with nearly white, wispy hair.  Hannah had a rather lumbering walk (see #1 above), while Bethany skipped lithely on her toes everywhere she went.  If you didn't know they were sisters, you would probably never guess.  But now that Bethany is sixteen, I occasionally see glimpses of Hannah in her.  Something about the way she walks down the hall, something about the tilt of her head, something about the way she laughs...for the briefest of moments, I'll see or hear Hannah.  And that never, ever fails to make me smile. 

:-)