Cousins!

Wow...I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. It's not for lack of desire...it's simply been a lack of time. We have literally not had an evening at home for the past two weeks. Tonight's been wonderful...an opportunity to get caught up on several things that have been left undone in recent days.

First, I wanted to post a couple of pictures that were taken over the weekend by my sister-in-law, Maria. On Saturday, all of the Sullivan cousins, including baby Faith, were at the "deer camp" in Briggsville, which is in rural Yell County. (Actually, I think all of Yell County is rural!) Maria, who is a great photographer, took the opportunity to get some family photos. Here's Bethany (top right) with all of her cousins...yes, they're all girls on this side of the family!

Hannah was the oldest of the cousins...she was fortunate enough to be the first grandchild on either side! As such, she definitely got some special treatment!

And another picture...here's Bethany in her "country girl" pose:
Hannah loved spending time at the deer camp with her cousins. So much so, that when we had to make a decision regarding where she would be buried, there was no question that it would be at Briggsville. There's a small cemetery there where Hannah's great grandparents are buried, as well as several other Sullivan family relatives. It's a beautiful place, and I will share more about it in an upcoming post.

Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry

The Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry support group had its first meeting tonight. What a wonderful group of people, and what a blessing it was to hear everyone's stories!

Up until the time Hannah was diagnosed with cancer, I had very little idea what life with cancer was like. I had always thought that when a person was diagnosed with cancer, they spent the next several months or years in bed, too weak and sick to do anything. I had no idea that most people with cancer still live full and active lives, in spite of chemo treatments, hair loss, radiation, bloodwork, etc.! Of course, as Hannah's journey unfolded, I leaned that firsthand. And as I looked around that room tonight, I saw people living life, and loving Jesus. What an amazing experience!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." II Cor. 4:8-10

God's Infinite Wisdom

"God, in His infinite wisdom, created us with the ability to survive these heartaches."

This is my new favorite quote. And now, almost seven months after Hannah left us for Heaven, I'm beginning to understand the truth of it.

The first few days after Hannah's death are pretty much a blur to me. There are some isolated moments that stand out clearly in my mind, but not very many. It's funny...at the time, I felt that I was completely lucid, and things seemed very vivid in my mind...but when I look back at it now, it's very foggy. I do remember feeling very numb, and honestly not feeling a lot of pain. But after the visitation, after the funeral, after the burial, and after all the family left, it was time to get back to "normal life." And that's when the pain hit in earnest. This may be a strange word picture (okay, it IS a strange word picture), but as I walked through each day, every little reminder (and EVERYTHING was a reminder early on) felt like a plastic knife being shoved into my chest. By the time I got into bed each night, I felt like my chest was literally bristling with plastic knives. Why plastic knives? They are not too sharp...sharp enough to cause a lot of pain when they are thrust into your chest, but not sharp enough to kill you. If anything, the number of knives and the depth of their penetration increased over the next several months.

But, God is faithful, and He has created us to survive these kind of heartaches. Gradually, almost imperceptably, the number of knife wounds each day has begun to decrease. Don't get me wrong...there are times that are just as bad as those early days (the first few days of school this year come to mind), but overall, the pain of the heartache is easing. Those plastic knives are always nearby, and I still get shafted several times a day, but it's become more manageable. I have to be completely honest, and let you know that I am worried about some difficult days ahead...Hannah's birthday in October, Thanksgiving in November, and Christmas in December...I know that those days will bring fresh stab wounds. More opportunities to depend on God for strength. I recently saw a framed saying in someone's house (someone who has lost a child), "God is closest to those with broken hearts." I think that's my new second favorite quote! I never knew what a "broken heart" was...yet another thing I didn't understand in my very sheltered life...but I do now. Thank you, Lord, for your comfort.

Walking wounded we press on,

Our scars but badges of Your grace,

Our fragile frames Your dwelling place,

Our hearts renewed though strength be gone.

Jars of clay beneath a blow,

Broken to let Your glory show.

~Author Unknown

"What Ifs"

One of the constant battles I had to fight during Hannah's illness was a recurring chorus of "What Ifs". When we first found out she had a brain tumor, it was "What if the surgery causes brain damage?" or "What if they can't get it all?" Once she got through the surgery with no lasting complications and they "got it all", the "what ifs" changed to "What if the chemo makes her really sick?", "What if the radiation causes new health problems in the future?" or "What if her cancer comes back?" After the cancer returned, the "what ifs" multiplied exponentially...especially with the location of her new tumors on her brainstem and spinal cord..."What if she loses the ability to walk?", "What if she loses her vision?", "What if she starts having seizures?" or even "What if she doesn't survive?"

I reached the point where it seemed like I was spending all my time dwelling on the "What Ifs". And God had to gently remind me that this was not how I should be spending my time. Instead, I needed to give him the "What Ifs" and begin savoring every moment I had with Hannah. Not that it was easy...it was not easy at all...and it required a continual, conscious decision to put the "What Ifs" into His hands and live one day at a time. I had never really understood the concept of "one day at a time", and had certainly never lived it, until that point. As Hannah's health deteriorated, it became one hour at a time, and sometimes even one minute at a time. I really think it was that focus that made the last couple of months of Hannah's life not only survivable, but even, at times, enjoyable for us.

People often commented on our "strength" during Hannah's illness and death, but as I've said before, this is a misunderstanding of God's grace. What appeared to be strength was actually human weakness bolstered by total dependence on God. A couple of weeks ago, we had the privilege to share Hannah's story at a church in Mountain Home, and after the service we visited with a gentleman who had lost his wife to cancer after many years of marriage. Our visit was brief, because there were many others waiting to speak to us that night, and a few days later, he emailed us to share a little more of his story. He ended his email with this statement:

"God in His infinite wisdom created us with the ability to survive these heartaches."

What a simple, yet profound statement! And I am daily discovering that it is true. More on this thought tomorrow....

Go Panthers!

Last Friday night, we went to a Panther football game, and it was my first time to see the "HS" stickers on the players' helmets. (I was working in the concession stand during the first game and didn't get to watch it!) It was an "away" game, and the visitor's bleachers are right at the edge of the field. It's a small school and there is no track, so the football players and cheerleaders are right in front of the fans. We sat down on the third row of the bleachers, I looked up at the players, and it literally took my breath away when I saw the stickers. And then there were the cheerleaders, several of whom were Hannah's good friends, smiling and laughing and having a great time. I was nearly overcome with sadness that Hannah was not there with us. I sat there choking back tears for several minutes, trying to look and act appropriately for those sitting around me. And then I spotted a young man, a senior who is one of the managers for the football team, who shared with Brad last week that he has recently surrended to the ministry. He told Brad that Hannah's testimony was influential in God leading him to this decision. It's amazing how God provides encouragement like that just when it is needed most. That made it a little easier to swallow the sadness and enjoy the game. And the Panthers put on a good show...winning 48-0! Go Panthers!!

One Year Ago Today

A year ago today, Hannah, Bethany and I went to the American Idol concert in Oklahoma City. If you've followed Hannah's story, you know that she was a huge American Idol fan. She watched the show faithfully from the second season on (the Ruben/Clay year). She was one of those fans who would pick a favorite and vote for two solid hours every Tuesday night. From the third season on (the Fantasia/Diana year), we went to the American Idol concert every year. We would always go early in the afternoon and hang out around the venue trying to meet the singers (we jokingly called it "stalking")...and we were usually successful, getting lots of autographs and pictures every year. It was a fun thing that we always looked forward to doing together, and we would always order our tickets the first day they went on sale.

Last year's concert featured David Cook (the winner) and David Archuleta (the runner-up), along with the other top eight contestants. I didn't order the tickets right away (I believe they went on sale at the end of May), because I just wasn't sure how Hannah would be feeling. As the summer went on, though, she was doing well...she had completed her radiation treatments and was handling the oral chemotherapy with no real problems. She had had an MRI every two months since her surgery, and she had gotten an "all clear" every time. So, probably in July, I ordered tickets for the three of us girls (Brad never seemed to want to go with us...don't know why! (o; ) We were excited about the concert and were really looking forward to it. Hannah was a David Cook fan, and we had a special interest in him because his brother was battling brain cancer.

We spent that weekend with Brad's mom and dad, who live in Van Buren, so it would be a shorter drive to and from the concert in Oklahoma City. This was a blessing, because the weather was awful that weekend. The remnants of Hurricane Ike were blowing through Arkansas and Oklahoma, and we drove to Oklahoma City in heavy rain and strong winds. I remember that Hannah was somewhat tired when we left Van Buren that day, but that was not unusual, as the primary side effect of her chemo was fatigue. It was too rainy and yucky to do our usual "stalking" that afternoon, so we went out to eat instead. I noticed that Hannah actually seemed relieved that we would not be "stalking", even though she had been talking excitedly about it in the days leading up to the concert. We finally arrived at the concert, and showed our tickets to an arena worker, who directed us to the stairs. As we walked up the stairs, Hannah mentioned that she felt a little dizzy. This also was not really unusual...the radiation treatments had left her with a constant feeling of being "off balance"...her world was never completely level. We finally found our seats...in the very top row of the arena. And I mean the top row...the only thing behind us was the wall. We were definitely in what you would call the nosebleed section. As we sat waiting for the concert to start, Hannah again mentioned that she was dizzy, and we attributed it to the dizzying height at which we were sitting. She was very quiet during the concert...not singing along and yelling for her favorites like she usually did...and right about the time David Cook came out (the winner is usually saved for last at these concerts), she asked if we could leave. We immediately got up and left...and what a long ride back to Van Buren that was. We still had the incredibly heavy rain and the tropical storm force winds, and now it was pitch dark. But that's not really what made the trip so long.

As I drove through that stormy weather, a storm was building inside of me. That night, for the first time, I began to realize that Hannah might not survive this. At the time, as far as we knew, Hannah was cancer free. But deep down inside, I knew something was not right. It was the first time that I began to feel like we were losing her. We returned home to the Hot Springs area the next day and within about a week, Hannah developed what we thought was a stomach virus. After several days of nausea, the doctor ordered an MRI (about 10 days before her next routine scan was scheduled) and it revealed that the cancer had returned with a vengeance. There were now two tumors on her brainstem, and so many tumors up and down her spine that the doctor referred to them as "snowdrift" tumors. With tears in his eyes, he explained to the four of us that he believed Hannah had less than a five percent chance of survival at this point. Wow...what a blow! He did explain some treatment options, including a combination of chemo drugs that had shown some success with glioblastoma tumors, but really didn't give us much hope of cure. As the four of us drove home that day, we decided that we were just going to ignore that number...we knew that our God didn't deal in percentages. But, at the same time, we were just beginning to realize that God's plan for Hannah may not include earthly healing.

This post has become much longer than I intended it to be...I will share more on this topic another day...but I did want to mention what a wonderful time we had at Shady Grove Baptist Church in Prescott this weekend. They had a "Faith, Family, & Fun" emphasis this weekend, and we had the privilege of sharing our story both last night and this morning. What a precious fellowship of believers! This church has followed our story basically from the beginning, and took us in just like a part of their family. Of course, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, and it was apparent this weekend. They truly blessed us with delicious food, beautiful music, and wonderful fellowship. Thank you, SGBC!

Reunions & Remembrances

We spent some time in Mountain Home this weekend with family and friends. This past weekend was my 25th high school reunion...hard for me to believe, but true! It was a great opportunity to get reconnected with some wonderful old friends. I was really nervous before I went about being able to recognize people and remember their names. I knew there would be nametags, but you really don't want to have to stare at someone's nametag before greeting them! Funny...I didn't need nametags for the girls...most of them looked pretty much the same as they did when we graduated. But the guys...they were much harder to recognize! It's surprising how hair loss can really change someone's appearance!

Most of my former classmates had heard about Hannah's story, but there were a couple of awkward moments when those who did not know asked me how many children I had. I still haven't figured out how to answer that question without making people uncomfortable. I usually say that I have one daughter who's 14 and one who's in Heaven. This usually results in a shocked, jaw-dropping response, accompanied by a mumbled, "Oh, I'm so sorry..." This is the point where I usually get choked up and am unable to say anything else. Thankfully, this weekend, I was able to retain my composure and share a little bit of Hannah's story. Another sign of progress in this grief journey.

The mention of my child's name

May bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,

Let me hear the music of her name.

It soothes my broken heart

And sings to my soul.

~Author Unknown

Speaking of Hannah's name...my 2-year-old niece, Julia, has always called Hannah "Arnie." Yesterday, I got an email from my sister-in-law in Indonesia (they are doing well) and she told me that she was telling one of their fellow missionaries about how funny we always thought that was. Her friend suggested that she look it up and see what the name Arnie actually means. Well, she looked it up, and here's what she found:

"Arnie is Hebrew for 'To sing.' Arnold (I looked it up because Arnie is a nickname for it) is Old German for 'Strong as an eagle.' Hannah did sing in her own way. Now, she gets to sing before the Lord God Almighty forever! We all know that that she was, and is now more so, as strong as an eagle! ~Laura"

God is good, all the time!

A Touching Tribute

It's Friday night...and that means high school football! Tonight was the first game of the year....and a convincing win for the Panther football team! Our Athletic Booster Club puts together a football program which is sold at the games, and every year it contains a letter to the fans from our head football coach/athletic director. Here is this year's letter:

"Dear Panther Fans:

Welcome to another exciting year of Panther football. Last year's team finished 8-4, and with the return of 12 seniors, this year should be another good one. The kids have been working hard since the beginning of July for Friday night football.

You may have noticed on the back of our helmets is a sticker with the letters "HS" and a gray ribbon. This is in honor of Hannah Sullivan who was promoted to heaven on February 26, 2009, from brain cancer. Hannah was a manager for the girls' basketball team and would have been a senior this year.

Instead of honoring the passing of Hannah, I would like for us to honor her life. She was my role model. As Hannah battled "her storm," three parts of her life stood out: her faith, belief, and love for God. The year-long battle only made these characteristics stronger in her life.

As I watched Hannah react in such a positive way to all this adversity in her life, I could only think how great it would be if the Panther football team could learn from Hannah and use these traits during the season. I challenge our players to have faith in one another and to work as a team and not as individuals.

I challenge the players to not only believe in their teammates, but also in the coaches and the many decisions they have to make during the season. Finally, I challenge the players to love their team despite any differences they may have.

I especially challenge the team to demonstrate these characteristics during the "rough times" of the game and the season. I encourage them to let their faith, belief, and love stay strong, and to continue to battle and be positive, no matter the outcome. Finally, I challenge the team not only to be like Hannah on the field, but also to model her life off the field.

I can't promise you, the fans, a state championship, or even a district championship if the team follows Hannah's example; however, I can promise you that at the end of the season we will be a better football team, better players, and most of all, better individuals! Panther Pride Runs Deep!

Thank you,

Coach Efird"

I have nothing else to add...Thank you, Coach.

Safe Arrival

I heard from my brother tonight, and they have arrived safely at their new location in Indonesia. It was quite an adventure driving to the airport and getting a commercial flight out of their area with all the smoke, and there is even some smoke in their new location, but they are doing well. Thank you for your prayers!

A Series of Tremors

I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose a child suddenly, in some sort of tragic accident. Tonight at church I sat at a table with a couple who lost a child many, many years ago to a lightning strike. Earlier this week, I visited with a co-worker who lost a child just a few months ago in a drowning incident. No opportunity to say good-bye, no chance to tie up loose ends, no last words of love. Just an incredible, earth-shattering shock when one you love so much is suddenly gone from your life. I must say that I am grateful that God did not call me to walk that road.

It seems to me that losing a child to cancer must be a very different experience. Rather than one enormous earthquake, cancer consists of a series of tremors of different intensities. In our case, there was the initial shock of the brain tumor, the shock of the cancer diagnosis, the shock of hearing the devastating list of treatment side effects, the shock of seeing our child wearing a radiation mask and bolted to a table, the shock of the cancer's return, the shock of seeing our child bald, the shock of watching chemo drugs drip into our child's veins, the shock of each worsening MRI, the shock of hearing the doctor say there is nothing else they can do medically, the shock of entering hospice care, and the final shock of our child's death. Even though you reach a point where death is expected without a miraculous intervention from God, there is still a period of shock.

You know the feeling you have when you've been punched in the stomach? That is the feeling I had the entire time Hannah was sick. Our belief that God was in complete control of the situation, and our knowledge that He truly is good all the time sustained us and gave us an unexplainable, deep-down peace, but to be fully honest, I have to acknowledge that my feelings did not always line up with my beliefs. And I think that's okay...God created us with feelings and emotions and I believe He understands that human part of us, because He was human, too.

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps." I Peter 2:21

Glioblastoma Multiforme

I've been sitting here for awhile tonight, trying to pull my thoughts together for a blog entry. I had sort of started a theme of sharing about the emotions I've experienced over the past 18 months, and then interrupted it with some other posts, following the death of Ted Kennedy and my brother's sudden move. I'd like to get back on that topic for awhile.

When Hannah was first diagnosed with cancer, it was such an incredible shock that for a few days, I just couldn't mentally process it. At first, Hannah didn't want anyone to know that she had cancer...we finally convinced her that we needed to let people know so they could pray for her. She also did not want anyone to know that she was going to have chemotherapy, so when I sent that first email explaining her diagnosis, I said that they were going to treat her with radiation and "medication." Of course, most people figured out that meant chemotherapy, and eventually, Hannah relented and allowed me to share more details. I remember when I sent that first email explaining her diagnosis, we received many, many wonderful, supportive responses. In those first couple of days, we also received emails from children's cancer support groups, some friends who had lost children to cancer, and someone who told me about where to get free wigs for cancer patients. I remember reading those emails and thinking, "No way...this is not for us...not for Hannah!" After a little time passed, I was ready to hear from those folks, but not immediately.

We got the diagnosis about ten days after Hannah's brain surgery. We had gone in to get her stitches removed, and knew that we would probably receive the results from the pathology report. I remember that Hannah climbed up on the table, the surgeon did a brief exam of her incision, and then he told us that the pathology report indicated that Hannah's tumor was a glioblastoma multiforme. He had told us the day after the surgery that these tumors are rated on a 1 to 4 scale, with 4 being the most serious (he never used the word cancer). Brad asked him what Hannah's tumor was, and I clearly remember him saying, "This is a Four." Those words reverberated inside my head for quite some time. Then he introduced us to our oncologist, who entered the room accompanied by three other people. He gently explained the fact that glioblastoma multiforme is a very aggressive brain cancer with a nearly 100% fatality rate in adults. He also explained that Hannah's youth and the fact that it had been removed put her in a more favorable position. He outlined the course of treatment...radiation and oral chemotherapy...and left us with these other people, who I later figured out were social worker/counselor type people. I guess they figured we would each need one of our own after hearing that news. The one who appeared to be the head counselor offered Hannah an assortment of ugly teddy bears, and I remember that she chose what I thought was the ugliest one. As if a teddy bear would fix the problem. We were stunned by the news, but the peace of God was upon us because we had already put Hannah in his hands, and I don't think we even cried while we were there. Once they saw that they were not going to need to scrape us up off the floor, the counselors left too. Then, after all this, Hannah had to roll over onto her stomach and let them pull her stitches out...all I really wanted to do was hold her at that point, but I had to settle for just holding her hand. We left there that day, went to Firehouse Subs, and prayed over our lunch, again putting Hannah's future in God's hands.

More to come....

P.S. I have not yet heard from my brother in Indonesia. They are going to have to live with another missionary family in their new location, and may or may not have access to the internet. Thanks for the prayers...I'll let you know when we hear from them.

Smoky Season in Indonesia

My brother, Steve, his wife, Laura, and their precious daughters, Julia and Katie Joy, are missionaries with Mission Aviation Fellowship in Indonesia. This is a picture of the conditions that they have been living in for the past month. This is the time of year when all the farmers burn off their fields, and that combined with peat moss burning in the jungle and an unusual lack of rain has led to extremely smoky conditions. He is unable to fly because of the smoke and because the rivers have gotten too low for him to take off and land on, so they are evacuating to another area of Indonesia, which is where they used to live before he began flying float planes. They are concerned about Julia and Katie breathing any more of this stuff. It's been a difficult decision to come to, because they worry about how it is perceived among the locals with whom they have built relationships that they can just up and leave, yet the locals have to remain in the smoke. They will be flying out at 2:00 a.m. their time today (2:00 p.m. our time), so please pray for safety and for God's will to be done in this situation.

Hannah's Room

I'm writing today from Hannah's bedroom. We haven't spent much time here since she left for Heaven. When we came home from the hospice center on February 26th, this was the first place we went. We spent some time, the three of us, just sitting on her bed and talking about her. The next day, Bethany and her cousins chose some clothes from her closet for her to wear in the casket. Since then, we've been in here very little. I put all the baskets of cards, letters, etc., we received during and after her illness in here, along with some of her personal items we've been given from her teachers (projects, papers, etc.). Bethany and I did come in here one day and we went through the clothes hanging in her closet. She picked out several shirts that she liked and tried them on. They all fit her perfectly, and she's been wearing some of them to school. We both decided we would rather see her wear them than for them to just hang in here, unused. Although it's sometimes a little strange to see her wearing some of Hannah's favorite clothes, it's kind of nice, too.

I'm sitting here on her bed, and I thought I would give you a description of some of the things in her room...just to give you a little window into Hannah's personality. When you walk into her room, the first thing you see (and the most gut-wrenching for me) is her letter jacket with "Hannah Joy" on the back of it hanging over the bedpost. In one of the most ironic events of her illness, she received that jacket the day we found out that her cancer had returned with a vengeance. That was also the day she ordered her class ring. What a strange thing that was...to receive those symbolic items of high school completion on the day we first began to understand that she may never finish high school. She had looked forward to receiving her letter jacket for a long time...and she actually only wore it a few times. Her purse is hanging from the other bedpost, with her driver's license and Hunter's Education card in the wallet inside.

Her bedroom walls are painted a dark red color...the room was this color when we bought the house, and she immediately chose this room as her own. Her bedspread is white and black, as you can see in the picture, and there is a black shag rug on her floor. The rug was necessary to cover up the Nike Swoosh that the former owners had painted on the floor...who paints a Nike Swoosh on a wood floor? We didn't know it was there until we moved into the house...they, of course, had it covered up with a rug.

To my left, hanging on Hannah's wall, is a framed poster of downtown El Dorado..."Arkansas' Original Boomtown". Of all the places we've lived, El Dorado was Hannah's favorite. She had such good friends there, and she absolutely loved that place!

Hannah's room has the best view in the house. We live in the country, on a hillside, and from here, when I look out the window, all I see is trees blowing in the breeze. Some of those trees we planted the year we moved into this house, and they have really grown over the past summer. For some reason, it makes me sad that I can't show Hannah how much taller they are now than they were in February.

On the floor beside her dresser, in a stand, is a porcelain doll which once belonged to Hannah's great grandmother, Frankie Stahl Owens. Hannah adored her "Grandma Frankie", who went to Heaven in July 2008, and during the last days of her illness, she was comforted by the fact that Grandma Frankie would be waiting to greet her when she got there.

Her dresser has a bunch of stuff on top of it...a funny little trombone player that her Aunt Sarah gave her back when she played the trombone in 7th grade; a picture of her and former American Idol contestant Ace Young; the wide headband she wore every day to cover up the bald patches from radiation; a stuffed animal she received from Arkansas Children's Hospital when she had to get platelets on Christmas Eve; a picture of the high school choir wearing their Alice in Wonderland T-shirts--a performance that she did not get to participate in due to low blood counts; an All-Region Choir patch; her sunglasses; some silk flowers sent by her good friend Paige after she died; and a picture of her and her friend Brittany.

To my right is what we jokingly called her "Wall of Fame". Hannah was a highly motivated student and was extremely proud of her academic achievements. On this wall is a group of plaques (shown below) which include the following: "Outstanding Student in Social Studies, Algebra I, and Career Orientation--2006"; "Outstanding Student in Health & Physical Science--2007"; and "Outstanding Student in Spanish I, World History, and Pre-AP Biology--2008". She also has a plaque for "Miss Congeniality" in the Miss Magnet Cove pagent in 2007; and the ones she was most proud of because they were voted on by the teachers..."Outstanding Freshman Student MCHS 2007" and "Outstanding Sophomore Student MCHS 2008". Her nightstand is right beside her bed, and the drawers are full of letters from her friend Brittany (yes, Brittany, she kept them all!). I always thought it was neat that they sent letters to each other, even in this day of email, Facebook, and texting. She also has a bunch of notes in there from her youth group meetings. She has a hand-woven container from Indonesia (given to her by her aunt and uncle) in there that is full of money. On top of her nightstand is her Bible and a copy of "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. There's also a picture of her and her Sullivan cousins, and a picture of her and her Magnet Cove friends. Her bulletin board is right above that, and it is full of pictures...church camp, Odyssey of the Mind, her 4th grade class, her cousin Julia, and two strips of pictures of her and her friends and one strip of pictures of her and Bethany from those photo machines at the mall. There's also a Valentine's Day note from Brittany, a couple of American Idol concert ticket stubs, her number from the Miss MCHS pageant, and a sticker that says, "He Died For You".

One of these days, we're going to have to do something with all of these things. How do you do that, though? We've discussed making something special out of this room...a quiet, peaceful, inviting kind of room, a place where you can study your Bible, or spend some time with the Lord. I'm ready to open the shades, let the sun shine in, and keep the door of this room open again. But I'm not sure how to do it yet...we're still waiting for God's timing.

Ted Kennedy

Well, this was not originally going to be my topic for today. The death of Ted Kennedy last night has kind of captured my attention instead. I have never been a fan of Senator Kennedy...politically, we could not have been farther apart.

When he was diagnosed with glioblastoma back in May, I was actually somewhat irritated. Boy, that really makes me sound awful, doesn't it? But this is why...when Hannah was diagnosed, our doctor told us not to go home and google "glioblastoma". He said we wouldn't like what we found, and that Hannah's age put her in a more favorable position than most people who had that diagnosis. So we very carefully and deliberately avoided reading anything about glioblastoma. But then, when Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with the same kind of cancer, it was everywhere! You couldn't turn on the TV or read the newspaper without hearing about his "deadly cancer" and "grim prognosis." And, of course, we tried (unsuccessfully) to shelter Hannah from hearing any of this information. I must say, though, that it was somewhat reassuring at the time that he was getting the exact same type of treatment (radiation and Temodar) that Hannah was getting. We figured that, as a Kennedy, he was getting the very best medical care available.

God has brought me a long way since then (and He's still got a long way to take me). As the months have gone by, He has helped me see Senator Kennedy not just as a politician, but as a human being...somehow strangely bonded with my 17-year-old daughter by brain cancer.

I don't know what Senator Kennedy's spiritual status was...but I am thankful that I do know Hannah's. Today she's been in Heaven for six months. Half a year has gone by. Someone once told me that when you lose a child, the hole is always there, but the edges become less sharp. Those edges are still pretty sharp (some days sharper than others), but there is progress. More to come...

Opened Eyes

I am embarrassed to say that before Hannah was diagnosed with cancer, I was completely blind to the suffering of people around me. I think a lot of that was by choice...I didn't want to see it, so I didn't. I think some of it was fear...fear of becoming emotionally involved in people's pain and getting hurt myself. And I think some of it was just being so caught up in my own family, work, busy-ness, etc., that I simply was not aware.

When Hannah first became sick, my world was utterly rocked. I clearly remember going to Wal-Mart the first few times after she was diagnosed. I felt so changed inside I actually wondered if people could tell that my daughter had cancer just by looking at me! I was sure it was written all over my face. But, of course, no one could tell. I still smiled and spoke politely...I still functioned just as I always had...but I was profoundly changed inside. And then, like the proverbial ton of bricks, it hit me that Wal-Mart had to be full of people like me...people who appear fine on the outside, but are experiencing raging storms on the inside. I suddenly felt like God was giving me a glimpse of others through His eyes. The Brandon Heath song, "Give Me Your Eyes" was being played all the time on Christian radio at that time, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was actually "seeing" people.

Also, about that time, my Uncle Joe emailed me a poem. It's kind of long, but is such a great description of what I was feeling at that time:

"I did not know His love before,
the way I know it now.
I could not see my need for Him,
my pride would not allow.
I had it all, without a care,
the "Self-sufficient" lie.
My path was smooth, my sea was still,
not a cloud was in my sky.

I thought I knew His love for me,
I thought I'd seen His grace,
I thought I did not need to grow,
I thought I'd found my place.
But then the way grew rough and dark,
the storm clouds quickly rolled;
The waves began to rock my ship,
my anchor would not hold.

The ship that I had built myself
was made of foolish pride.
It fell apart and left me bare,
with nowhere else to hide.
I had no strength or faith to face
the trials that lay ahead,
And so I simply prayed to Him
and bowed my weary head.

His loving arms enveloped me,
and then He helped me stand.
He said, "You still must face this storm,
but I will hold your hand."
So through the dark and lonely night
He guided me through pain.
I could not see the light of day
or when the storm might wane.

Yet through the aches and endless tears,
my faith began to grow.
I could not see it at the time,
but my light began to glow.
I saw God's love in brand new light,
His grace and mercy, too.
For only when all self was gone
could Jesus' love shine through.

It was not easy in the storm,
I sometimes wondered, "Why?"
At times I thought, "I can't go on."
I'd hurt, and doubt, and cry.
But Jesus never left my side,
He guided me each day.
Through pain and strife,
through fire and flood,
He helped me all the way.

And now I see as never before
how great His love can be.
How in my weakness He is strong,
how Jesus cares for me!
He worked it all out for my good,
although the way was rough.
He only sent what I could bear,
and then He cried, "Enough!"

He raised His hand and said, "Be still!"
He made the storm clouds cease.
He opened up the gates of joy
and flooded me with peace.
I saw His face now clearer still,
I felt His presence strong,
I found anew His faithfulness,
He never did me wrong.

Now I know more storms will come,
but only for my good,
For pain and tears have helped me grow
as naught else ever could.
I still have so much more to learn
as Jesus works in me;
If in the storm I'll love Him more,
that's where I want to be!"
~Author Unknown

Enough for tonight...bed is calling...I plan to post more tomorrow, on the six month anniversary of Hannah's homegoing.

"Hannah Hearts You"

Wow...it's been a week of highs and lows...thankfully, more highs than lows! We made it through the first three days of school okay, but everything seemed to kind of catch up with us by Friday evening. Going back to school was actually more difficult than we had thought it would be, especially for Brad and Bethany, I think. Brad has been Hannah's principal for the last two years, and always enjoyed getting a quick hug from her in the hall between classes and visiting with her and her friends at lunch. Seeing all of her friends and not seeing her has been difficult for him. Of course, the situation was the same when he went back to work in March, but it's just a matter getting back into that "new normal" again.

Bethany and Hannah had always looked forward to this school year...this would have been the first and only year that they would have been in the same building together since they are three grades apart. They had even planned to take a class together (Yearbook) since that class is open to all grade levels at the same time. Well, Bethany decided to go ahead and take Yearbook this year. She sat down in her seat on Friday, glanced to her right, and saw this:
If you look carefully, you can see, "Hannah hearts you!" This table that Bethany was sitting beside was covered with grafitti from former students. She started looking it over, and found this:
She recognized Hannah's handwriting immediately, and knew that these words had been written by her sister. It hit her hard, and she was really sad about it for awhile after she got home that afternoon. After talking it over, though, we decided that Hannah had written that message to her, without even knowing she was doing it. Whenever Hannah doodled in her notebooks, scrap paper, youth sermon notes, etc., she often wrote, "Hannah hearts you"...I knew that she did that before she died, and I've found it written in many places as I've gone through some of her things since her death. I had always kind of chuckled at it and wondered who "you" was...well, we've decided she was writing it to each of us. It's kind of fun to think that she was writing notes for us to treasure without even realizing she was doing it. We decided to go up to the school Sunday afternoon (Yes, it helps to know the principal!) and take these pictures.

Saturday morning, Brad and I had the privilege of speaking at a small church in Mabelvale, and met some wonderful folks there. And then, yesterday morning, we were able to share God's goodness through Hannah's story at our home church, Hot Springs Baptist. Our church has really been the hands, arms, and feet of Christ to us over the past 18 months, and it was wonderful to be able to share with them what God has been doing in our lives.

This weekend, we also went to a concert at First Baptist Church of Benton, that included contemporary Christian singers Mac Powell (of Third Day), Mark Hall (of Casting Crowns), Aaron Shust, and several other up and coming artists. Those of you who have followed Hannah's story from the beginning may remember that someone in Mark Hall's church in Atlanta had received some of our emails and had passed them along to him. So he knew of Hannah's prayer for a storm, and how meaningful the song "Praise You in the Storm" was to us. He called us when we were in the hospice center, four days before Hannah went to Heaven, just to encourage and pray with us. He has continued to follow Hannah's story since then. After the concert, he was gracious enough to visit with us a few minutes. It was great to be able to thank him personally for the encouragement that we have received from several of Casting Crowns' songs.

That's all for today...please continue to pray for us. Even though we know without a shadow of a doubt that Hannah is in Heaven and having a better time than we can even imagine, we still miss her. Even though we have a deep down peace, our emotions are still real, and we still struggle at times. I think that over the next few posts, I will try to describe what some of these emotions have been like for us.

Royalty!

We are in the presence of royalty here in the Sullivan household tonight.....Bethany was voted freshman princess for homecoming today! It made for an exciting day, and took some of the sting out of starting high school without her sister. I see dress shopping in our future!!

Old Friends and Open House

This past weekend we had the wonderful blessing of going to Crossett to share God's goodness through Hannah's story. We lived in Crossett for three years, and made some lifelong friends while we were there. We were able to see many of them this past weekend, including Heather Burford, Brady's mom (I referred to him a couple of postings ago, and his CaringBridge site is listed over in the right hand column). It was nice to spend some time visiting with a mom who has traveled the cancer journey with her child, and it was great to hear how well Brady is doing! We also made some new friends, including Alan and Melissa McCone, who I also referred to in a recent posting, and whose blog is also included in the right hand column. Alan will be returning to Houston next week to find out the next step of his treatment plan. And we saw someone that we never expected to see while we were there...Hannah's best friend from kindergarten and first grade...a very sweet girl named Jamie. Jamie and Hannah were inseparable...Jamie is in almost all of our pictures and home videos from that time. She is starting her senior year of high school this year, and has grown up to be a beautiful girl. I couldn't help but cry when I saw her...what a reminder of where Hannah "should" be right now!

Fast forward to last night, which was open house at our school district. Bethany is starting high school this year, and we had fun getting her schedule and going from class to class and visiting with all of her teachers. We are a small district, so every one of her teachers is someone who taught Hannah at some point. It was so strange to be there with Bethany, but not with Hannah. Strange to make the mental jump from thinking about Hannah's kindergarten & first grade years on Sunday to being reminded of what would have been her senior year on Monday. Strange to see students who should be Hannah's classmates this year. Strange to see all the senior posters on the wall, but none for Hannah. But then I can't help but be reminded how blessed we are to have Bethany. I'm so excited for her as she starts her freshman year of high school...she has a lot to look forward to, and plenty to keep her and us busy over the upcoming months.

I feel that, because of our experiences over the past 18 months, we have been given a unique "gift"...and that gift is the awareness of how precious life is, and what it truly means to appreciate every moment we have with our loved ones. I don't think I ever really understood what that meant until Hannah got sick. This is one part of the journey that I can truly say I am thankful for!

22 Years and Counting....

Twenty-two years ago today, here's what I was doing:

My, don't they look young? We were pretty young, actually...we were both 21 at the time. We were college students with very little money but a lot of love. This was the summer of 1987, just before I started my senior year and Brad started his junior year. Both of us had always been very thrifty (some would call it "cheap"!) and we had saved enough money from our summer jobs to buy ourselves a washer and dryer and rent a tiny little HUD apartment. Between scholarships, work-study, and part-time jobs, we were able to finish our bachelor's degrees at OBU and even go on to get master's degrees at the University of Arkansas. We finished our master's programs in August of 1991, and Hannah was born in October of that same year. Bethany came along about 3 1/2 years later. God has truly been faithful to us throughout our marriage.

Would we have ever dreamed that the last 18 months of our marriage would have been marked by so much pain and heartache? Never. When we promised to be faithful "in sickness and in health", we never would have imagined that our beautiful teenage daughter would be the one to be struck by such a terrible sickness. We would never, ever have chosen this road, but I believe God has strengthened our marriage through it.

This Sunday, we will be sharing God's glory through Hannah's story at First Baptist Church of Crossett. We lived in Crossett from 1996 to 1999, moving there when Hannah was five, and leaving when she was eight. We have some wonderful, precious friends there, and we are looking forward to seeing them this weekend, as well as meeting some new friends we have come to know through Hannah's storm. Please pray that we will be able to effectively communicate what God would have us to share while we are there. And again, thank you for your faithful prayers for our family!

Meet My Friends...

I wanted to use this post to introduce you to some of the blogs I follow, and the people behind them.


Over in the right hand column, underneath my profile, "Hannah's Story in E-Mails", our speaking schedule, and the followers of this blog, you'll see a section titled, "Blogs I Follow". The top six blogs are always listed in a different order...the most recently updated one will be listed first, followed by the next one, etc. Two of those blogs are "Lisa's Little Slice of Life" and "The Latest on Faith"...those belong to my sisters-in-law. "Harper House" belongs to a friend of mine who feels like a sister!

"Jamie Morris's Journal" will give you updates on Jamie, who I have frequently mentioned in this blog...he has been battling cancer for longer than anyone I know, and he and his mom are amazing people. "The McCones" is written by Melissa McCone, who will keep you up-to-date on her husband, Alan, who is battling kidney cancer. I have not actually met them yet, but hope to this weekend, when we travel to First Baptist Church of Crossett to share Hannah's story. "Everyday Miracles" is a blog about Ethan Krawiec, an 18-month-old boy who has defeated JMML leukemia. I've not met this family either (they live in Connecticut, I believe, but have family in Arkansas), but Ethan's mom, Kasey, was unknowingly a great encouragement to me as we traveled our road of cancer.

Most of the remaining blogs are CaringBridge sites, with the exception of "Steve and Laura Persenaire", which is my brother and sister-in-law's website. They are serving as missionaries in Indonesia. We were so blessed that they were home on furlough during the latter part of Hannah's illness and after she went to Heaven. They and their sweet little girls were a great encouragement to us. We miss them!

Now, to the CaringBridge sites: Tim, Ronnie, Lisa, Maggie, and Kate are all battling brain cancer, which, of course, hits close to home for us. Little Kate, in particular, is really in need of prayer...she lives in Phoenix, and I don't know the family personally, but I feel that I have come to know them through their blog. Her prognosis is not good, but they are trusting God. Blayton is a little guy from Crossett whose story I've been following for awhile...again, I don't know this family personally, but through Blayton's battle with leukemia, I feel that I've gotten to know them. Brady's mom is an old friend of mine, again from Crossett, and he has bravely battled (and defeated) neuroblastoma!

The rest of these kids (Job, Riley, Elijah, Sydney, Grace, Luke, and Drew) we got to know while we were making our trips back and forth to Children's Hospital. All of them are at different points in their battles against cancer, and thankfully, most of them are doing well, and have recently gotten good reports. Elijah's family just found out this week that after four years of battling neuroblastoma, there is still disease present in his body.

Cancer is everywhere, isn't it? It's unbelievable how many lives are touched by it. I had no idea until it touched our family. Would you consider choosing one or more of these families to follow and pray for as they travel down their cancer journey? The prayers of God's people are definitely what have carried us through the past year and a half!