January 10, 2009
When I was a little girl, sitting in my Sunday School class in the basement of First Baptist Church of Phillips, Wisconsin, I learned all about the Israelites wandering in the wilderness for forty years, and how God gave them manna to eat. Our teacher described manna as little wafers that tasted like honey. I remember wishing I could taste manna, because I knew I would like it. Anything that tasted like honey had to be good. I remember thinking the Israelites were really lucky because they got to eat that stuff every day. Little did I know that someday I would be eating manna every day myself.
Let me explain.
When Hannah's brain tumor was found, my mind was flooded with "What Ifs". What if it's cancer? What if she's never the same after brain surgery? What if she dies during surgery? Then, once she had survived the surgery with basically no after-effects, and we found out it was cancer, a whole new set of "What Ifs" took over. What if she loses her hair? What if the chemo makes her really sick? What if her brain is damaged from the radiation? What if she doesn't survive this?
If you had asked me at the beginning of this journey if I could handle...
shaving my daughter's head for her...
watching her gradually lose her vision...
pushing her in a wheelchair when she could no longer walk on her own...
hearing a doctor tell us she had a less than 5% chance of survival...
listening to her struggle to communicate because she could no longer find the words...
feeding her when she could no longer feed herself...
holding her hand as took her last breath...
...I would have said, "No way. There is no way I could ever, EVER do any of those things! I am not strong enough to do all of that." And I would have been right ... There is no way I could have done any of those things on my own. But God gave me manna in the form of His strength every day.
Do you remember how God told Moses to instruct the Israelites regarding the manna? They were only to gather enough for each day. Did you catch that? Only enough for each day! Some of them tried to save themselves a little work and gathered some extra for the next day. Do you remember what happened to that manna? According to the ESV, "it bred worms and stank." (Exodus 16:20)
In the same way, God gave our family manna for each day .... just enough for each day. We couldn't look ahead into the future and worry about "What Ifs". We just had to trust God for our manna each day. If we did try to look too far ahead and let the worries and what ifs take over ... well, it just got wormy and stank!
The other thing the Israelites had to do was go out and gather the manna (Exodus 16:16). It didn't just fall into baskets for them ... they had to go out and get it. In the same way, I think we have to seek God's strength, and then be willing to receive it when He gives it. There were plenty of times when it would have been easier just to curl up into a fetal position and be angry about, or at least question God's plan for our family. We had to be willing to open our hands and receive God's gift of manna.
Finally, the manna was sweet like honey (Exodus 16:31). When I look back on it now, there were many moments of sweetness during Hannah's illness. Even though the journey itself was excruciatingly difficult, there are some sweet, precious memories that we wouldn't have otherwise, if not for her storm. Just the awareness of and appreciation of "good days" is a priceless gift.
Ten years ago today we were in need of manna as we acquired a handicapped tag for our car and made arrangements for a wheelchair. My email from that day ...
We're at Children's waiting for platelets ... she's at 55,000 today, which is good, because she hasn't had an infusion since Monday. That means that these platelets were all made by her body. They still want to give her some, since we're heading into the weekend.
We have not yet seen any improvement in her vision or balance since starting the steroids. If anything, her balance may be worse ... we had to walk into the hospital today arm in arm to make sure she didn't fall. We talked to our specialty nurse today about getting a wheelchair, and she said she will have one delivered to our house, probably over the weekend. We've also gotten a handicapped tag to hang from the mirror in the car. She is somewhat frustrated by her limitations, but is still in good spirits. I think it's harder on us than her. She's still sleeping quite a bit, but her appetite has improved with the steroids.
A wonderful friend shared a passage from 2 Kings 19 this week and I wanted to share it with you...
Assyria was bullying King Hezekiah. The Assyrians were boasting of the power of their armies and how all the other kingdoms had fallen to them...no other gods had been able to stop the mighty Assyrians. But the prophet Isaiah sent these words of God to Hezekiah just as a reminder that He was in charge and not those who lived in the world:
"Do not be afraid of the words which you have heard ..." 2 Kings 19:6
God is good, all the time!
Jill and Brad
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