Sunday, February 28, 2010

Farewell, February...

I'm not normally a crier...I hate to cry in front of people, even my own family members. I don't even cry very often when I'm alone. But there are times when the tears get started and they just won't stop.

One of those days was in September of 2008. I had an appointment to get a haircut that day, and I almost canceled it, knowing that I was pretty emotionally shaky. But I decided to go ahead and go, because I wasn't sure when I would have another chance to get my hair cut. It had been seven months since Hannah's surgery, and she had had several clear MRIs at that point. But she had begun having some symptoms that were very alarming, and an MRI was scheduled for the next day. I knew, deep down inside, that the cancer was back, and I was already beginning to see signs that Hannah was leaving us bit by bit. I walked into the beauty shop that day and the first thing my hairdresser asked was how Hannah was doing. I immediately started crying and never stopped the whole time I was there. And I got highlights and a haircut that day, so I was there for a long time. It wasn't a sobbing, noisy kind of crying...just a steady flow of tears that I could not stop. And since I am incapable of talking while I'm crying, I couldn't even tell my hairdresser about the MRI scheduled for the next day. Thankfully, she understood, and pretty much kept up a one-sided conversation the whole time, without requiring anything from me. I can't imagine what the other customers thought about me. I was just glad to get out of there that day! Of course, there have been plenty of other tear-filled days over the past two years, but this one just really stands out in my memory because it was so unlike me.

Today was another one of those days. For some reason, church seems to be one of the most emotionally difficult places for me to be. The music and worship time always seems to bring out the emotion in me...especially songs about Heaven. And with this weekend being the anniversary of Hannah's entrance into Heaven...well, this morning was especially tough. Usually I can pull it together during the sermon, but not today. The tears just kept coming. It felt like February of 2008 and February of 2009 were both crashing in on me at once. And I think Brad and Bethany both felt the same way. We are so grateful for our church family...they have really been there to support us throughout our journey...and they were there for us again this morning. We've actually been amazed at how many cards, notes, emails, hugs, etc., we've gotten all week long...not just from our church family, but from so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you.

Anyway, I'm glad to have this February in our rear view mirror. There are a couple more milestones in March...the first marks a year since Hannah's celebration service, and the second marks a year since we buried her physical body...but those memories don't seem to be as difficult. Maybe because I honestly don't remember them very well! A year ago tonight was the visitation...and although I clearly remember the length of the line of people, there's not much more I remember about that evening. The funeral and burial are also mostly a blur. I really think God gives us a period of numbness to help us survive those early days of grief. What I do remember about the funeral is that the gospel was clearly presented, and that there were people saved. For that I am thankful...and I'm sure Hannah was pleased.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4


Uncle Mark said...

I caught up on your posts last night. I didn't comment last night and didn't get to read this one until this moring.I know Hannah is in Heaven and she is right where God wants her to be.:) I know that God has a plan for our lives as well and some times we don't understand why... My tears have been more frequent this last week and really flowing this morning! I am glad that I have God's peace that I know you, Brad and Beth have, but my tears are for you guys and and the rest of us (Hannah's family and freinds). I got back on this morning trying to down load some tunes on my ipod and was trying remember the name of the song by JJ Keller. anyway.... I know God has a plan for our lives....and I comforted to know that when our world is shaking, Heaven stands and I know that Hannah is standing for us as well...We Love you guys!

Lynn said...

Jill, I use to try very hard to hide my tears, not wanting others to see what an emotional wreck I was, but have come to accept that God uses our vulnerability AND tears to touch other's hearts. I feel the closest to Him when I let the tears flow. Lynn

Marie Ludwig said...

Jilly, I do remember those days in March, and you were glorious! I know that God was shinning through you in a special way, but I also know you to be a lovely, Godly woman. If I were to say I am proud of you, it would me that I thought I had a part in that, but I don't. I am just your very proud Auntie Marie