Throwback Thursday -- Heavenly Wisdom

Today's Throwback Thursday post was written on July 25, 2011 ... a little over two years after Hannah went to Heaven.  It brought a smile to my face today as I considered how much more wisdom she's gained in the last four years since I wrote this ...

Will you indulge me for a few minutes of shameless boasting? Thank you.

Hannah was a very intelligent young lady. She was a straight-A student all through school, even in the second semester of her sophomore year, when she underwent brain surgery and radiation therapy. She won nearly every academic award given during her freshman and sophomore years, including overall "outstanding student" both years. Her biggest concern when she was in the hospital prior to her surgery was getting behind in her schoolwork and losing her opportunity to be the valedictorian. She was an extremely competitive student (to a fault), and always went above and beyond what was required of her in class.

Her junior year was off to a great start, when her cancer returned in late September. She had to drop out of school for a few months to do another round of extensive radiation and to start a new kind of chemotherapy. By mid-December, she was well enough to return to school for a few days before Christmas break. On her first day back to school, she walked into her World History class, only to find out that they were taking a test that day. The teacher gave them a few minutes to look over their notes before taking the test. Of course, she could have been exempt from taking the test since she had not been present for any of the material, but she chose to look over a friend's notes and take it. She got a 100%...after only a few minutes of studying completely unfamiliar material.

Right after Christmas break, Hannah's health began to deteriorate rapidly, and she never did return to school. It wasn't long before the cancer attacking her brain brought her to a state of almost child-like simplicity. It was a heartbreaking thing to watch, and to be perfectly honest, it just felt so unfair.

And then Hannah went to Heaven. And I believe that as soon as she entered her new home, her intelligence was not only restored, it was transformed into wisdom. A wisdom beyond anything I can even imagine. And I believe that the longer she is in Heaven, the more wisdom she gains.

Now, when I feel sad about all that she had to suffer through, the indignities she had to endure, the losses she had to experience ... I picture her, surrounded by the splendor of Heaven, saying, "C'mon, Mom. It's fine. All that stuff you're thinking about -- that was just a second, just the blink of an eye -- it was nothing! None of that matters now. I'm better than I've ever been. Just wait 'til you get here...you'll see!"

And won't it be awesome when I do get there, and I'm able to sit beside her and learn from her what she's been taught by the Master Himself! 

 After I've spent the first thousand years or so just hugging her neck, that is! 

 What an amazing experience that will be....

Throwback Thursday -- My Bereaved Parent Family

Another "Throwback Thursday" post today ... This one written on September 11, 2010, just after we attended the Respite Retreat for bereaved parents hosted by David and Nancy Guthrie.  I will forever be grateful for that weekend, and the time we spent with those couples.  Meeting all those folks and hearing their stories and experiences as bereaved parents gave me a much greater understanding of the path my life was now on, and helped me see that there was still life to be lived here on earth, and that it could be full and abundant.

One of the things that was so striking to me about the weekend was how much we parents, who came from ten different states and Canada, had in common.  And how, almost five years later, those commonalities have been confirmed again and again as we've met hundreds of bereaved parents through our While We're Waiting events.  This post describes some of those things we share.  As much as I would gladly renounce my membership in this club, I have come to love my bereaved parent family.


About seventeen years ago, I was attending one of those infamous Southern Baptist committee meetings at our church in Fort Smith, Arkansas. We were engaging in some informal conversation around the table before the meeting actually began, and the pastor asked one attendee a question. She was an older lady, who had been a member of the church for a long time...the pastor knew her quite well. He said, "As a pastor, there's something I've always wondered...What is the most painful type of loss someone can endure? I know that in your lifetime, you have lost your parents, your husband, some of your brothers and sisters, and a daughter. Which loss was the most difficult for you?" The dear woman replied with shining eyes, "Oh, Pastor...the loss of my daughter was by far the greatest loss I ever experienced. The others were painful, but I still grieve the loss of my daughter every day in my heart." And our pastor answered, "That is exactly what I've heard over and over again in all the years of my ministry...that the loss of a child is the most painful loss there is."

I was about 27 years old at that time, with one young daughter and another on the way, and as I heard her response, I thought to myself, "Wow...I hope I never have to face that!" For some reason, that conversation has stuck with me all these years. And from time to time, it comes to my mind, and I wonder about it. Since I haven't experienced any of those other types of losses, I've wondered if what I heard that day is really true.

Last weekend, we spent hours listening to bereaved parents pour out their hearts, both in group meetings, and with us privately. We did our own share of pouring, as well! As I shared in my previous post, we twelve couples came from ten different states and Canada, and our stories of loss were, for the most part, very different. But here are some things that, over the course of the weekend, we discovered we had in common:

--The pain we share is deep, and it is very real. There were parents there whose son lived for only two heartbeats after birth, and parents whose daughter lived to be an adult with a child of her own. There were parents whose child had suffered months or years of illness, and parents whose child's life was gone in one earth-shattering moment. Two couples had lost two children. I still don't know if the conversation I overheard 17 years ago was completely accurate...I really think there are things that could be worse than death when it comes to your children...but the pain and grief I heard and felt last weekend was immense. It didn't matter how old our children were or how we lost them...the pain was deep, and it was real.

--Most of us who were there had come to terms with God's sovereignty in taking our children to Heaven sooner than we would have liked, but as one dad put it, "We reserve the right to protest." While we all agreed that our faith has gotten us through our experiences, nearly all of us have experienced some real spiritual struggles.

--All of us have struggled with feeling "different" or "out of place" like I mentioned a couple of posts back. Our thoughts are different, our outlook is different, our conversation is different. One mom said, "Everyone around us is talking about kindergarten and we want to talk about calculus!" Who has time for small talk and chit-chat, when there are issues of such great importance to discuss? I think that's one reason we enjoyed visiting so much...we spent all our time talking about issues and experiences we felt so passionately about.

--All of us have struggled with getting back into "real life" after the death of our children. People usually don't know what to say to us, or if they should say anything at all. And we're no help...sometimes we want them to talk to us and sometimes we don't! One mom said that they felt like they carried death with them everywhere they went, and it had deeply affected their relationships with others. Oddly enough, the place we all agreed was the most difficult to go back to was church! I think part of that is just the emotion inherent in attending a worship service, but I suspect some of it may be that we seem to feel it necessary to keep up a "front" in church...so that others will think we are just as perfect inside as we appear to be on the outside. I don't know...I'm still pondering that one.

--Strange as it may sound, we've all experienced some degree of memory loss or "brain fog" related to our child's death and the time that's past since then. I thought it was just me, or the fact that I'll be turning 45 in a couple of months, but I guess not. Maybe it's because our thoughts are so consumed with "calculus" all the time...I don't know. I'm just glad to know that I'm not the only one!

--All of the moms felt like they had aged rapidly since the death of their child. All of us described the experience of looking in the mirror and wondering what had happened to us! And not just in appearance...it seems that that extra weight of grief has taken a toll on our bodies as well.

--This may be surprising, but when one dad described their experience of losing their 3 month old baby as 100% terrible and 100% wonderful at the same time, we all murmured in agreement. We all agreed that as awful as losing our children has been, so much good has come from our experiences as well.

--All of us had a strong desire for our children to not be forgotten. Every one of us, in different ways, have sought ways to memorialize our children. I had never thought this would be a big deal for us...we truly believe Hannah's storm was more about God than it ever was about Hannah...but as time goes by, I do find myself wanting to make sure that Hannah's life is not forgotten.

--Finally, we all agreed that we could never survive these experiences without our faith in God. I often heard people at the retreat wondering aloud how people got through things like this without Him. I've said that many, many times myself. And as difficult emotionally as last weekend was, we all left there uplifted, because we all knew we would be seeing our children again. Best of all, we all left knowing that the time we've spent without them here will be redeemed in Heaven someday...every minute will be made up for. And how amazing is that?

Throwback Thursday -- "Strangers and Aliens"

Here's another Throwback Thursday post, this one from September 2, 2010.  The interesting thing about this post is that it was written the night before we went to a bereaved parents retreat in Nashville, Tennessee, which ultimately led to the creation of the While We're Waiting ministry.  When I wrote this post, I could not have guessed how my life was about to change once again.

"Strangers & Aliens"

Last night, I went to the first meeting of a new Beth Moore study at our church. There were not too many of us there...maybe about 7 or 8 women. About half were people I knew from our church, and the others were visitors. And I knew it was going to happen...it's inevitable at any "first meeting"...we had to go around the room, introduce ourselves, and tell a little bit about ourselves. Have you ever noticed that when women are asked to tell a little bit about themselves, they always talk about their children? They might mention their husband, they might briefly touch on their job, but they ALWAYS tell about their children.

I never know quite what to do in this situation. Do I just say that I have a 15-year-old daughter named Bethany, and leave it at that? Or do I risk the gasps of shock and murmurs of sympathy and say that I have two daughters...one of them in Heaven? I hate making people uncomfortable or drawing undue attention to myself, but at the same time, it just doesn't feel honest to tell people that I have only have one child.

I didn't have very long to think about it last night. I was the second one in the circle. About half of the group knew my story anyway. So, I took a deep breath (I've learned that it's easier not to cry when I do that) and said my name, that my husband was a high school principal, that I was a speech pathologist, that I had a 15-year-old daughter named Bethany, and that I had a daughter in Heaven. I was so relieved that I managed to get it all out without choking into awkward silence, that I almost forgot to inhale. It actually took me a couple of minutes to get my breath back. The introductions continued around the circle, with all the ladies sharing about their children and families.

With that task accomplished, the leader spoke a few words to introduce the series, which is about the book of Esther, and for the next hour, we sat in semi-darkness watching the video. For awhile, I had some difficulty focusing on what Beth Moore was saying, because as I sat there in there in that room surrounded by all those very friendly women, I suddenly felt like I was a stranger and an alien. I realized for the first time--well, not really for the first time; I've been aware of it before, but this was the first time I've put words to it--that everything, absolutely everything about me is colored by the fact that I'm a mother who has lost a child. Everything I see, hear, say, and think passes through that filter. I can never take that veil off...it is a part of my very being. I suddenly felt so "different" from all of the other women there, and I felt very alone. Not lonely, mind you, but alone. There's a difference.

But here's the cool thing. That was last night. At this time tomorrow night, I will be in another group. And in this group, I will not be alone. I will be surrounded by people who understand me...and I will understand them. Tomorrow morning, Brad and I are leaving bright and early for Nashville, Tennessee, where we will spend the weekend at a Respite Retreat for bereaved parents, hosted by Nancy & David Guthrie. I've posted a lot about Nancy Guthrie in the past. She and her husband have lost two young children, and she's written several wonderful books about their experiences. There will be 10 or 12 couples there, including the Guthries, and we will be spending the weekend together, sharing our stories and growing together in our faith. I think it's going to be an absolutely amazing experience, and we are so looking forward to it!

You know, there's another very good (actually much more accurate) reason I felt like a stranger and an alien in that room last night. It's because I really am one, and so are you, if you are a child of God. This world is not our home...we're just traveling through it on our way to Heaven. I recently read that Heaven shouldn't be called the "afterlife"...instead, this world should be called the "beforelife." I love that!

In Hebrews 11, the author lists Abel and Enoch and Noah and Abraham, and then says this in verses 13-16:

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them."

How cool is that? He has prepared a city for us...where we will finally, truly be "at home." What an incredible day that will be!!

Throwback Thursday -- Life is Good . . .?

Continuing the Throwback Thursday theme on the blog ... Here's a post from August 8, 2010.

Life Is Good . . . ?

Have you ever seen those T-shirts that say "Life is good"? They always have some kind of relaxation-inducing picture along with those words...like a lawn chair and a glass of lemonade, or a pair of flip-flops and a beach umbrella or something. They're nice T-shirts...they come in all different colors in sort of a weathered-looking fabric. Seems like I usually see them in sporting-good stores. I always look at them because I like them, but I've never bought one...partly because I think they're very pricey for T-shirts, but mostly because I'm not sold on the "Life is Good" sentiment. Oh, there was a time when I wouldn't have thought twice about that slogan...life was good, and always had been for me. My eyes had not yet been opened to the world of childhood cancer. Sure, I knew it existed. I had seen those St. Jude fundraisers on TV...you know the ones. Of course, I always changed the channel really fast so I didn't have to look at those steroid-swollen children with no hair or eyebrows...I felt bad for those kids, but I didn't know any of them. They weren't my kids, or my neighbor's kids, or my friend's kids, so it was easy to change the channel and blithely go on my way.

When we were in Gulf Shores, Alabama, earlier this summer, we went in one of those tourist traps stores. This one is called Souvenir City, and the door is shaped like an enormous shark's mouth. If you've ever been there, you've seen it...You can't miss it! After taking the obligatory picture...

...we went in and looked around. As I wandered through the T-shirt section, I spotted a group of shirts that looked just like the "Life is Good" shirts from a distance. I walked up to them, and found that these were a little different. These shirts actually said, "Life is Crap" and had pictures like a tree falling on someone's car, or a guy hitting his thumb with a hammer. Some were kind of funny...like one that had a picture of a men's restroom and a ladies' restroom. The ladies' room had a line of about five women waiting to use it, and of course the men's room had no line. Anyway, these shirts gave me a chuckle, and then got me thinking.

Life isn't always good...but God is. Sometimes life is crap...but God is always good. In his wisdom and sovereignty, He has allowed our family to see and experience some of the more crappy parts of life. He has taken us beyond seeing young strangers with cancer on TV, to learning the names and faces and families and stories of so many cancer battlers right here in Arkansas and beyond. It is such a privilege to be able to lift these families up in prayer, and to keep up with their journeys through the storms.

In John 9:1-3, the disciples questioned Jesus about why a man was born blind, trying to determine whether it was caused by sinfulness. Jesus replied, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," and then He goes on to explain the purpose of the man's disability: "This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Did you catch the "so that"? The "so that" rules out bad luck, haphazardness, and neglect. God had a specific, divine purpose for the man's handicap. And today, some 2000 years later, I believe that is still true. In His sovereignty, I believe that God allows...might I even say ordains...the difficult times in our lives. But He will always, if we choose to allow Him, display His goodness through them.

So which shirt had the right message? For me, it's a combination of the two. Life is sometimes crap...but God is always good!

Throwback Thursday -- "But Even If He Does Not ..."

Oh, the blog has been sooooo quiet lately.

Unfortunately, it's probably going to stay that way for awhile.

Our school district is making up its snow days by tacking an extra hour to the end of each school day.  That will be wonderful at the end of May, when we're out of school and everyone else is still going ... but for now, it's making very long work days.  The remainder of the evening is spent getting caught up on While We're Waiting stuff, which I love doing ... but that doesn't leave much time for blogging.

I hate the thought of the blog just sitting dark so much, though, so I've decided to incorporate Facebook's "Throwback Thursday" theme into the blog. On Thursdays, I'm going to re-post some of my personal favorite blog posts from the past.  I hope you enjoy these, because it's probably all you're going to see on here for awhile ... at least until school is out!  :-)

Here's the first Throwback Thursday post from Saturday, March 6, 2010, just a little over a year after Hannah went to Heaven.

"But Even If He Does Not ..." 

I have such great memories of the little church where I grew up...First Baptist Church of Phillips, Wisconsin. Every Wednesday afternoon, my brother and I would walk from school to church for CYF. There were probably only about 10 or 12 kids that came, but our pastor, Arlo Little, was there every single Wednesday to play games with us and teach us a Bible lesson. 

When it was warm enough outside, we would play baseball (that's when I discovered that I was not an athlete). When it was cold outside, which was pretty much the whole school year, we would play games in the basement of the church, where we had our Bible story time. My favorite one involved a pincushion which the pastor would hide somewhere in our meeting room (it seemed like a huge room at the time, although I think it was actually quite small) and we would have to find it. He would tell us if we were hot or cold until we found it, and then we would do it all over again. I remember the excitement of getting warm, then warmer, then steaming, then boiling, then blazing as we got closer and closer to that little pincushion. 

I liked the games, but I loved it when he would tell the Bible story and get out the flannelgraph stuff. I loved the flannelgraph background, looking like it had been drawn with colorful pastels, and all those flannel-backed figures, dressed in their Bible-time robes. I especially loved the animals...the camels, donkeys, and sheep. I learned lots of Bible stories in that basement in northern Wisconsin.

Yesterday morning, I was reading my daily excerpt from "The One Year Book of Hope" by Nancy Guthrie (an excellent book for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one) and she referenced the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and the fiery furnace. I was immediately back in that church basement, seeing those flannel graph figures and hearing the story told by my pastor. And yesterday evening, I was reading "Letters from the Land of Cancer" by Walter Wangerin, Jr., (an excellent book for anyone traveling through the land of cancer) and, would you believe, he referenced the same story. And both authors emphasized a part of the story that I had never really given much thought to before. 

You may remember that Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace because they refused to worship a gold statue of the Babylonian king. Here's what they said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. But even if He does not, Your Majesty can be sure that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18.

I've always thought of them as Biblical heroes because they refused to bow down to an idol, even under threat of death. And while that was heroic, I've decided that their real heroism is reflected in the statement, "But even if He does not...". On the surface, it may look like they were giving God an escape clause, something to protect His reputation in case they burned up in the furnace. But I don't think so. They didn't pretend to know what God would do, nor did they try to tell Him what to do. I think they trusted Him to the point that they knew whatever He would do what was right, even if it resulted in their death. God was God however He chose to act.

This was the same understanding we came to as we watched Hannah's life slowly leave her. That "even if He does not", we would continue to trust Him. And I've seen this attitude replicated in the lives of several of the cancer patients we've come to know as we've traveled this journey. We've been asked by a friend to help her choose music for her own funeral, and this afternoon I will be burning a CD of songs for her to listen to. She has such a glowing peace about her as she contemplates her own death, which, according to her doctors, is approaching. She knows that "even if He does not" heal her in this life, He will in the next. 

What a difference it makes when we face life, and death, with this kind of attitude!

While We're Waiting Wednesday -- Arkansas Gives!

Many of you who follow this blog have been wonderful supporters of the While We're Waiting ministry to bereaved parents.  In fact, you've watched it grow from the very first retreat we had in April of 2011 to where we are today, doing 8-10 completely booked WWW events per year in multiple locations, and on the verge of embarking on a major building project.  You can see pictures of the proposed While We're Waiting Refuge and find out how you can be a part of that project by clicking here!

But tonight I wanted to let you know about a unique opportunity to support the ministry of WWW financially.

Tomorrow, on Thursday, April 2, from 8:00 am until 8:00 pm, nonprofits from around the state will be participating in an event called Arkansas Gives. On that date and during that 12 hour period, a percentage of any donation you give to a participating nonprofit through the Arkansas Gives website will be matched by a $250,000 pool of money made available by the Arkansas Community Foundation. WWW will be one of the nonprofits you can donate tomorrow. If you've ever thought about making a donation to While We're Waiting, tomorrow would be a great time to do so, because your gift will be maximized!

Here's what you need to know:

-- The donation must be made on April 2nd between 8 am and 8 pm

-- The donation must be made on the Arkansas Gives website (not the WWW website)

-- There is a minimum gift of $25 and it must be made by credit card or debit card (Visa, Mastercard, or American Express)

-- Your donation will be fully tax deductible

-- You will receive a tax receipt by email immediately from Arkansas Gives

-- You do not have to live in Arkansas to donate

-- All funds raised that day go directly to WWW; the only fees taken out are those charged by the credit card companies

-- Click here to go directly to the WWW page on the Arkansas Gives website!

One more thing! As I said above, we are in the early stages of building the While We're Waiting Refuge ... a retreat center specifically designed to meet the needs of bereaved parents. If you donate $2,500 or more to WWW either during Arkansas Gives or at any other time in the weeks and months ahead, we have some exciting incentives for you ... including the option of naming a specific area of the WWW Refuge in memory of your child, one-time use of the Refuge by your family or organization, and a few other special things. If you would like more information about how you can become a sponsor of the WWW Refuge, please click here and we'll get you fixed up.

We hope you'll choose to support While We're Waiting on Thursday, April 2nd!!  Thank you!

Thoughtful Thursday -- Three Priceless Gifts

Get any group of bereaved parents together, and the topic inevitably comes up.

I bet you can guess what it is ... Yep, it's The Things People Say.  Every parent who has lost a child has been hurt (almost always unintentionally) by something that's been said in an effort to comfort them.

Sometimes it's The Things People Don't Say.  Every parent who has lost a child has also been hurt by someone who has avoided them, or who said nothing to them in an effort not to say the wrong thing.

We often discuss this topic at our While We're Waiting events.  In fact, our March WWW support group meeting was focused entirely on this topic.  We all go around and share our horror stories of the "At least you have other children", "Aren't you glad she's in a better place", "I understand how you feel, my dog died last week", and "Don't you think you should be back to normal by now" comments we've heard.  And maybe surprisingly, we laugh about them.  I mean, those poor people .. they just can't help themselves!

After we've talked about the dumb things for awhile, we always try to turn it back to the positive by discussing some of the good things people have said and done for us.  And it's very heartwarming to hear those stories.  There are many, many wonderful people out there who have been the hands and feet of Christ to us.

In light of that, I want to share three "gifts" I recently received ... all from different people, and each one from given without the giver realizing their significance.

1.  A couple of months ago, Brad and I were invited to have dinner in the home of some missionaries who are here in Hot Springs on furlough.  We went to college with this couple, but we've lost touch with them over the years.  Over a yummy Mexican dinner, we discussed lots of things ... their ministry in Canada, our daughter's wedding, their adoption of a beautiful little boy from Africa, my husband's role as a school administrator.  After dessert, we sat down in comfortable chairs in the living room, and they said, "So, tell us about Hannah", and then they settled in and prepared to listen.  What a gift!  You know, we tell Hannah's story all the time, but it's always in the context of a ministry situation ... a retreat, a support group meeting, or from a stage in front of an audience.  Here was a couple who simply wanted to know about Hannah ... who she was, what she liked and disliked, how she dealt with her cancer diagnosis.  What a blessing it was to talk about our girl freely, openly, comfortably, with another couple who just wanted to listen.

2.  A few weeks ago on a Sunday morning, our While We're Waiting team had the opportunity to speak at our home church.  It was wonderful to be able to share our testimonies and the WWW ministry with our church family.  We were able to unveil the plans for the While We're Waiting Refuge for the first time that morning ... something we were very excited about doing.  A few days later we received a note in the mail from a gentleman who is an incredibly faithful card writer and prayer warrior.  The first line of his card said, "Tears and Cheers!" and then he went on to say that he was praying for the four of us and our ministry.  But the "Tears and Cheers" statement is what caught my eye.  He was acknowledging that even though the growth of the WWW ministry is something to cheer about, it comes at a price ... the tears of missing our children.  That recognition was a gift.

3.  The third gift was given on that Sunday morning when we shared at our church.  The invitation had been given (One person gave their life to the Lord!), the offering had been taken, and the service had ended.  We stood around and talked with people for a long time afterward, and finally most folks had headed for the doors.  I began to gather up my things and get prepared to leave, when suddenly a sweet lady approached me, laid her hand on my arm, leaned in close, and gave me a gift.  She quietly said, "I still cry for you."  I was dumbfounded, and all I could think of to say was, "You do?"  She said, "Yes, I still cry for you," and then she slipped away.  Five words.  But, oh, how much that meant to me, to think that after six years ... someone still cries for me.

As I said, I don't think any of these folks recognized how profoundly their statements and actions affected me.  They don't even know how priceless their gifts were.  There's a pretty good chance they will each be reading this blog post, though, so they do now.  So let me take this opportunity to thank you for loving me well.  I will never forget the gifts you gave me.

Thoughtful Thursday -- Feeling Abandoned?

Anyone who grew up in Arkansas in the seventies or eighties probably made at least one trip to Dogpatch USA when they were a kid.  Dogpatch was an amusement park which opened in 1968, and was based on the comic strip Li'l Abner.  It was nestled deep in the woods of northern Arkansas and featured a number of attractions and rides. The developers believed it would rival Disneyland in popularity one day, and though it never quite achieved that status, it drew a pretty good crowd in its heyday.  It featured hillbilly-themed attractions, such as Rotten Ralphie's Rick-O-Shay Rifle Range and a roller coaster called Earthquake McGoon's Brain Rattler. One fun feature was that instead of garbage cans, the park had "trash eaters" -- mechanical pigs and goats that would suck the trash right out of the visitors' hands. To a kid, it was a downright awesome place to spend the day.

Over the years, Dogpatch changed hands several times as it struggled financially.  It finally closed in October of 1993.  Efforts are now being made to revitalize it, but for the most part, it has lain abandoned all these years.

There's something very sad and even eerie about an abandoned amusement park ...

A place that was once known for bringing joy ... now dilapidated and overgrown with weeds and vines.  A place once filled with rambunctious, laughing children ... now quiet and still.  A place where fun family memories were once made ... now just a faded memory itself.

Sigh.

Grief can make us feel that way too.

Like time has marched on and left us behind.

Like we're being choked by weeds and brambles.

Like no one else "gets" us.

Like we've grown old before our time.

Like we'll never have joy again.

Like our opportunity to make good memories is gone forever.

Like even God has abandoned us.

And you know what?  If it was up to us to do life in our own strength, these things would all be true.

But here's the promise from God's Word ...

" ... We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."  (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

On my own, I'm a jar of clay ... just like a crumbling, ramshackle attraction at a neglected theme park. But I have a treasure within me ... the power of God.  And because of that power, I can be hard pressed, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed.  And I will never, ever be abandoned.

All of the things I listed above are feelings.  The truth is that God has not abandoned us, and He will give us strength for each challenge we face.  There is still joy to be found, good memories to be made, and friendships with those who "get" us waiting to be developed.  He won't let us be choked out by briars and nettles if we continue to seek Him.  Life will never leave us behind if we remember that His mercies are new every morning.

And there's no amusement park on earth that can compare to what is awaiting us in Heaven!  What a beautiful hope to cling to on those days when we may be feeling a bit forsaken.

Thoughtful Thursday -- Six Years in Heaven

Thanks to the absolutely beautiful snowfall we had yesterday, I've been able to enjoy a quiet day at home, remembering our girl who went to Heaven six years ago today.  It was a great opportunity to reflect, remember, and revel in the wonderful memories we have with our Hannah Joy.

My overwhelming feeling today at this six year mark is gratitude.  Gratitude that God chose me to be Hannah's mother; gratitude that we had 17 1/2 amazing years with her; gratitude that she is perfectly healed in Heaven today.

I spent the day posting my favorite photos from Hannah's life on my Facebook page.  I tried to post them at regular intervals throughout the day so I wouldn't totally gum up people's newsfeeds with them.  How fun it was to share these pictures and re-live some of my favorite memories with our girl.
As I shared these pictures, though, I found myself keenly aware of the moms and dads who did not have the blessing of so much time with their children.  Through While We're Waiting, we've had the opportunity to meet many parents who never had the opportunity to make the kind of memories we have with Hannah, and my heart breaks for them.  We were so blessed to have the time we had with Hannah.

As I thought about Hannah and all those we've met whose children have left "too soon", I remembered a book that Hannah "wrote" back when she was in junior high.  This was a project of her GT class, and is an autobiography, complete with photographs.

She drew the cover picture, which is a bell (her grandma always called her "Hannah Bell").  Clearly, she got her artistic ability from me!  ;-)  I love the words she uses to describe herself ..."joyful", "optimistic", "sweet", "Christian", "caring". She couldn't have been more correct in her choice of words.  The first page put a lump in my throat: "Dedicated to My Amazing Family". She begins with a chapter called "Before Me", in which she states that we were so ecstatic when she was born that we gave her the middle name "Joy", which is true! That chapter is followed by a chapter for each year of her life. It was so much fun reading all of these chapters, and looking at all the photographs she included. The one that really got to me though was the final chapter, which was titled "My Future Possibilities", and reads as follows:

"As I think about the future, I get so excited because I know my future is bright. I love to think about what is to come, and I do constantly. I plan to graduate high school with a 4.0 and at the top of my class. Then, I would like to enroll in Ouachita Baptist University with a full or almost full paid scholarship, and study elementary education to become an elementary teacher. I'd graduate with a bachelor's degree from OBU, and then go somewhere for my master's degree in teaching. I would hope to be married by the time I graduated college, so I would settle down in a small town in Arkansas and start a family (and teach). When I'm old enough to retire, I will probably move closer to where my grandkids live so I could be close to them and watch them grow up. I want to live a long, happy, healthy and content life that I can look back on someday and be proud of. And maybe someday I'll read this book and I'll think, "Wow, I did just that!""

The first time I read this paragraph after Hannah's death, especially the last part, it felt like a punch in the stomach. It literally left me almost breathless for a few minutes. How can someone so excited and full of plans for the future just be gone? How can her innocent desire for a long and healthy life be so unfulfilled?

And God had to gently remind me of something I already know. As we talk to grieving parents, one of the things we talk about is God's sovereignty...the fact that He is in control in and through every situation. As Hannah's illness progressed and it became apparent that, without a miracle, she would be leaving us for Heaven, we felt that we were being called to submit to His will for her life and for ours. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans that I have for you,...plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope." Hannah's future was in His hands...she had her own plans, we had our plans for her...but God had a better plan. What seemed to be a calamity to us was the best thing that ever happened to her!

I found this quote the other day:

Death is God's way of saying, "Your table is ready."  Hannah's table was ready at the age of 17.

Barbara Johnson in "Pack Up Your Gloomees in a Great Big Box, Then Sit on the Lid and Laugh" says this: "There is a finality to death that is inescapable. You can't go around it, over it, or through it. All you can do is negotiate--not for a reversal that could bring your loved one back, because there is none. Instead, you plead for some kind of understanding, some way to make sense of it all as you try to get through it, allowing your grief to take its course and let the pain eventually drain away."

We will never completely understand why Hannah's wish for a long and healthy life was unfulfilled on this earth, but she also said that she wanted to be able to look back on her life someday and be proud of it. I think that if she could see the lives that have been touched through her relatively short life (and I think maybe she can in Heaven), she would be proud.

Thank you for sharing in our life, and hers, by reading these posts, and praying for our family all these years.

While We're Waiting Wednesday

I suppose that an update on the While We're Waiting ministry to bereaved parents is long overdue.  Honestly, we've been so busy keeping up with the day-to-day activities of the WWW ministry, the blog has taken a back seat!  Thankfully, we've had a string of snow days this week so I've got some time this evening to sit down and write for a few minutes.

There are far too many things going on with this ministry to share in a blog post, so I will just share about two of the most recent events.

This past weekend we hosted our largest parents' retreat ever at Spring Valley Anglers Rod & Gun Club in northwest Arkansas.  There were eleven families represented, one couple driving all the way from Toledo, Ohio, to participate in the weekend!  I think they get the prize for coming the farthest for a While We're Waiting event.  What an amazing weekend we had together!  Our stories were all very different, but we were quickly bonded together by our love for both our children and our Lord.

As always, the story is best told in pictures.  Spring Valley Anglers is a beautiful place ...

Set on the banks of crystal-clear Spavinaw Creek ...

During their free time, parents were able to enjoy the peace and beauty of their surroundings ...

Our sessions were filled with rich conversation ...

We talked about our beautiful children ...

Ate A LOT of delicious food ...

And made friendships that will last a lifetime.

Let me share what a few of them had to say at the end of the weekend ...

"To be honest, I was dreading this weekend and sharing our story.  But immediately I felt welcomed and at home.  Friendships were made that I will treasure for the rest of my life.  My husband and I highly recommend this retreat for parents suffering a loss.  What a blessing we received!!"  ~Dustin's mom

"This weekend has been so good for us as a couple.  We struggle to talk about our son with each other.  I was helped as well as my husband.  Thank you!"  ~Joshua's mom

"The WWW Weekend for Parents has touched our hearts greatly.  We came very timid and left forever bonded in our hearts with so many beautiful parents on this journey."  ~Eliana's mom and dad

"We feel incredibly blessed to have experienced this weekend with this group of amazing people."  ~Sophia's mom and dad

"We were very nervous about attending the While We're Waiting Weekend retreat, opening up our deepest hurt in front of strangers.  It was an absolute blessing to attend!  The support of everyone, laughter as well as tears, blessed us and took all our nervousness away.  We are so grateful for you and your ministry."  ~Colby's mom and dad

Now for Part Two of this post ...

We took the first big step today toward the building of the While We're Waiting Refuge, a retreat center designed specifically to meet the needs of bereaved parents.  Fifty acres on the outskirts of Hot Springs has been donated to the ministry for this project.  There is an existing older home on the property, which we will be completely renovating, including the addition of ten hotel-style guest rooms.  

We met with an architect out at the property a few weeks ago and talked through some ideas.  This morning we met with him again and he showed us the plans he has drawn up for this facility.  We were so excited to finally see something on paper!!

You can see the existing home in the lighter print with all the additions coming off of both sides.  This will meet our needs perfectly!  A concept drawing from the architect will be available soon, and I will share it here when it's available.  

Why are we even considering a building project like this when we can go to places like Spring Valley Anglers and Family Farm Christian Day Camp?  Because our events are filling up months in advance, and we cannot get these venues as often as we would like to in order to meet the need.  Our next retreat coming up in April has been completely booked for months, and the one we have planned for November is already nearly full.  It's important for us to keep our groups small to promote the intimacy of our discussion, so we would like to have events more often with smaller groups. (This past weekend's event was our maximum size group.)  We also offer our events at no charge to the parents to attend.  Having our own venue would help us control our costs, so we can continue to do that.

We've committed to building this facility without incurring any debt ... which means we're planning to raise all of the funds upfront.  We are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit ministry, so all donations are tax deductible.  If you are aware of any individuals or corporations who may be looking for a worthy project to donate to, please send them our way!  :-)  And if you would like to partner financially, even in a very small way, with this ministry, you may make a donation online by clicking here.  And of course, we'd love your prayer support as we seek to follow God's leadership in this ministry.  Thank you!!

Monday Mourning -- #nationwidefail

Well, it's been a looooong time since I've written here, hasn't it?  There's really no reason for that, other than I've just been very busy!  Not the kind of busy that I used to be when Bethany was still at home, running from basketball game, to track meet, to softball field, but busy nonetheless.  My busy-ness these days is due to the rapid growth of the While We're Waiting ministry, which I'll discuss in another post.  It's a good kind of busy, but the blog is what seems to take the back burner these days.

bBut after last night's Super Bowl commercial for Nationwide Insurance, I just had to squeeze in a few minutes to write my thoughts this evening.  Did you see it?  It features a little boy, and sucks you right in with cuteness.  The kid is talking about all the things he's not going to have the opportunity to do, like learn to ride a bike, get "cooties" when a girl kisses him on the bus, travel with his best friend, or get married.  Then he says he won't get to do all these things because he's dead due to a household accident.  The ad then shows a very full bathtub, an open cabinet under the kitchen sink, and a large television which has fallen over, presumably on a small child, and informs us that preventable accidents are the leading cause of death in children.

For a few moments, my mind couldn't even process what I had seen.  Did I misunderstand something?  Did I really hear what I thought I heard coming out of that kid's mouth?  Surely not!  No reputable company could possibly be that insensitive to families who may have experienced the loss of a child!  I could literally feel my heart break into a thousand tiny pieces as I knew the pain this commercial would stir up in the hearts of so many.  I  had trouble sleeping last night and the icky feelings brought up by this commercial have stuck with me all day today.

Here are a few of my random thoughts ...

I don't need to be reminded (during the Superbowl, of all times!) of all the experiences I'm missing out on with Hannah.  Yes, I got to see her learn to ride a bike, but I didn't have the opportunity to see her go to college with her best friend, and I will never celebrate at her wedding.  Shoot, I can't even watch the Super Bowl with her.  I have not forgotten that I'll never experience these things with her.  I live with that knowledge every day.

BUT, these are experiences I'M missing out on ... Hannah is not missing out on a thing!  That poor, pathetic kid in the commercial (what parent would agree to have their child play that role?) made it appear that because he was dead, he was missing all the fun stuff.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

I also didn't need to be reminded that children die, often in what the world calls "accidents."  Because of my role in the While We're Waiting ministry, I literally spend hours every day interacting with parents who have lost children.  Sometimes I think I have heard every possible horrific way a child can lose his or her life.  Believe me, it gets heavy.

BUT, I believe with all that is in me that God is sovereign, and that He has appointed the number of days each of us will live before we are born.  Psalm 139:16 says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  And Job 14:5 says, "A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."  Therefore, the word "accident" seems to be misapplied here.  The 17-year-old son of one of our WWW board members drowned in six feet of water a little over a year ago.  This dad does not refer to what happened as an "accident", but rather the "incident" by which his son was taken to Heaven.

My daughter did not die from an "accident", but from cancer.  And even in that situation, Satan still whispers in my ear from time to time that it's somehow my fault that she is no longer here with us ... If only we'd discovered her tumor sooner, or gone to a different hospital, or tried a different treatment, or had more faith, etc., etc.  Satan is the father of lies, and I don't know a single bereaved parent who is not engaged in a daily battle with him.  This commercial, which referred to "preventable accidents" plays right into his hand.  Who's supposed to prevent them, if not the parents?  I've talked to so many parents who are so heavily burdened by guilt, they can hardly breathe.

BUT, the power of life and death is not in our hands.  As a parent, there is nothing I could have done to extend Hannah's life even one day past February 26, 2009.  If it wasn't brain cancer that took her to Heaven, it might have been one of those "preventable accidents."  God's purpose for Hannah was fulfilled in the number of days He gave her. I will NOT listen to the lies of Satan and accept any responsibility for her death.

Nationwide has issued a statement saying that this ad was not an attempt to sell insurance, but rather to bring awareness to the issue of child safety.  Eh.  Maybe.  If it was an attempt to sell insurance, it was clearly an epic fail, as I've seen a number of people today stating that they'll NEVER do business with Nationwide ... and I would include myself in that number.

BUT, here's the thing ... It doesn't matter who you buy your insurance from, no amount of insurance can prevent your death or guarantee you an eternity in Heaven when you die.  We can try to create our own insurance by going to church, or being a good neighbor, or donating money to worthy causes ... but unless we have a relationship with Jesus Christ, that stuff means absolutely nothing.

If this commercial causes you to seriously consider where you're going to spend eternity, then maybe it wasn't such a failure after all.

Monday Mourning -- Not Because of How We Feel

Many of you know that the While We're Waiting ministry hosts a Facebook page.  Actually, we host two Facebook pages -- a public one, which we encourage anyone who is interested in this ministry to "like" and follow -- and a private one, with membership limited just to parents who have lost a child.

 
Something amazing has been going on on that private page this month.

While the rest of Facebook has been filled with posts from people doing their obligatory "30 Days of Thanks" during the month of November ... stating their thankfulness for everything from the health of their children to the fact that the lines at Wal-Mart were short on that particular day ... the members of the "While We're Waiting -- Support for Bereaved Parents" page have been sharing the things they're grateful for as well.

And the list has been nothing short of astounding.  And humbling.

The fact that these statements of thanks come from hearts which have been crushed into pieces make them all the more precious.  I believe that they are a sweet aroma to the Lord, made all the sweeter by the sacrifice required to see these things as gifts from Him.

Here is just a peek into this amazing list.  These parents are thankful:

• for the fog of grief that helped them survive the initial days, weeks, and months after their child's death
• that their child is no longer suffering from physical illness, addiction, or mental illness; or for those who died young, that they never experienced heartache
• that they already had appropriate clothing to wear to the funeral; or that they had friends who helped "dress them"
• for their dog, who forced them to get outside every day for walks
• for the opportunity to be transparent and authentic with their surviving children
• for co-workers who did not expect them to be "back to normal" right away
• that their son had not had a haircut recently so they could save a lock of his hair
• for people who opened their homes so extended family had a place to stay around the time of the funeral
• for items they found after their child's death with their child's handwriting on them
• for a friend who brought their son a birthday cake after his death 
• for a friend who brought toilet paper to their home
• that their child died in their own backyard
• that their child died doing something he or she loved
• that they were able to hold their child as she took her last breaths
• for supportive teachers and administrators at their child's school
• for friends who organized pictures, details, etc., for their child's funeral
• for their child's salvation
• that their child's death makes the need for a Savior so very real
• for people who began a relationship with Jesus or renewed that relationship because of their child's death
• that their last words to their child were, "I love you."

Not exactly the typical "What I'm Thankful For" list we often hear at this time of year.

The picture above, from Ann Voskamp, perfectly captures what is happening here.  These parents are thankful to God, not because of how they feel, but because of Who He is.  I've made that picture my Facebook profile picture this month, just to remind myself of the truth of it.

Many of these precious folks also expressed thankfulness for the While We're Waiting ministry, and I can't tell you how humble and grateful that makes me feel.  WWW is a gift God has given us as part of our healing process after Hannah's homegoing, and we feel privileged that He has entrusted us with it.  

May we always be thankful to God for Who He is, and not because of how we feel.

While We're Waiting Wednesday -- WWW Retreat for Bereaved Parents

Once again, God did above and beyond all that we could ask or imagine at our While We're Waiting Retreat for Bereaved Parents this past weekend!  Two of our couples had to cancel at the last minute, but we still had a wonderful group of moms and dads.  What a blessing it was to hear the stories of their precious children ... something we consider a sacred privilege.

As always, the story is best told through pictures.

Family Farm is beautiful any time of the year, but I especially love it in the fall.

It just so happened that the infamous polar vortex, bringing record cold temperatures to Arkansas, coincided with our weekend together.  There was literally frost on the pumpkin on Saturday morning!

We didn't spend as much time outside as we usually do, thanks to the unseasonable chill, but we did visit the animals ...

And a few brave folks took a trip down Slide Mountain ...

But we spent most of our time inside by the cozy fireplace.  Discussing issues faced by bereaved parents ...

Sharing the stories of our precious kids ...

And, of course, eating lots of good food prepared by our awesome chef ...

One of the highlights of the weekend, and a first for our While We're Waiting Weekend, took place on Saturday evening.  After dinner we went outside and launched sky lanterns. We talked about how these lanterns were flat and lifeless when we took them out of the packages, kind of like our lives when we are grieving. But, as the warmth of the flame filled them, they began to rise and give light for all to see. We discussed how we wanted to live our lives as lights in the world, in honor of both our children and our Lord.  It was a very special time.

We wrapped up this event on Sunday morning with a time of praise and worship, along with an object lesson to help us remember some of the things we discussed over the course of the weekend.

And this group of folks, who were complete strangers to one another on Friday evening, left as close friends, bound together by our love for our children and for our Savior.

Can't wait for our next While We're Waiting Weekend!

Our While We're Waiting Weekends for Bereaved Parents are offered at no cost to the attendees.  If you're interested in attending one of these events, please click here for more information.  Or, if you'd like to make a tax-deductible donation to While We're Waiting so that we can continue to offer events like this, please click here.

While We're Waiting Wednesday -- An Update!

It's been awhile since I've posted an updated on the While We're Waiting ministry ... so I'm going to take advantage of a quiet evening at home to try to catch you up.

There's been a lot going on!  We continue to host retreat events for bereaved parents every few months ... some here in Arkansas, and some on the road.  Our most recent parents' weekend was in Wichita Falls, Texas, and we were blessed to meet some wonderful moms and dads there.  We were so grateful to Ron and Kathleen Duncan, who opened their home to our group for that event.  We have two more "on the road" parents' weekends on the schedule, one in northwest Arkansas in February, which is already completely booked, and one in Madison, Mississippi, in June.

We have Mini-Retreats for Bereaved Moms on the calendar in January, March, and June.  January and March are already full, but we have a few openings left for our June 27th date.  We've got a Dads' Weekend scheduled for the last weekend in April, and the guys are really looking forward to that event.

We will be kicking off a Parents' Weekend at our "home" site, Family Farm, in just ten days.  This event has been completely booked for several months now, and there are moms and dads from six different states who will be in attendance.  We cannot wait to meet these parents and hear their children's stories.

Attendance at our monthly support group meetings continues to increase each month.  It's hard to say that that's a good thing, because we sincerely wish there was no need for a group like this, but since there is, we are grateful that God chooses to use WWW in this way.

And since January of 2014, we've mailed 128 Hope Packages to recently-bereaved parents.  Truly a labor of love.

But here's what we're most excited about!!!

For some time now, we've felt God calling us to build a facility which will be dedicated to serving bereaved parents through these While We're Waiting events.  Our desire has been to create a comfortable, safe, warm, home-like lodge where parents who have lost children can gather, with no need to wear a "mask", knowing that they are surrounded by those who understand.  A place where hurting moms and dads can be pointed to our one true source of hope, Jesus Christ.  A refuge, where we can encourage each other to live well while we're waiting to be reunited with our children in Heaven.

Fifty acres with an older home at the edge of Hot Springs is being donated to the While We're Waiting ministry, and that will be the site of the While We're Waiting Refuge.  It's out in the country, surrounded by acres and acres of thoroughbred farms.  Brad and Larry have been spending some of their Saturdays clearing the property ...

Can you picture a "While We're Waiting Refuge" sign hanging here at the entrance?  :-)

And just this past week, we had a drawing done of what the inside of the lodge is going to look like ...

I don't know if you can tell much from this drawing, but if you look closely, you can see the existing house at the top, with an extension drawn toward the bottom of the page which includes six 16'x16' bedrooms, each with a closet and private bath.  The driveway comes up from the bottom of the picture and curves around, circling a separate building which will have four more of these 16'x16' bedrooms.  There will be a vaulted roof area connecting the main lodge to those four bedrooms, and the driveway will go under it so folks will have a covered area in which to unload.  If you look back up to the top of the drawing, you'll see a large meeting room drawn in, which will overlook the rolling hills and pond on that part of the property.  We are having a concept drawing done now, and I can't wait to see it!

All these wonderful things require funds, and God is faithfully providing.  Our events are offered at no cost to the participants (although donations are accepted), so all of our funding comes solely from gifts and contributions.  Little by little, we've watched God grow our bank account, and we are so grateful.  

We are committed to building this facility without incurring any debt, so we are praying for more supporters who will come alongside and assist us financially (and/or physically!) with this project.  We've recently updated the donation page on our While We're Waiting website to make it easier to partner with us.  You can now choose the amount you'd like to donate, and even sign up to make a recurring donation if you choose to.  You can specify if you'd like to make your donation in memory or in honor of someone, and we'll even send a card to notify that person or that person's family of your donation if you'd like for us to do so.  It's completely secure, and because we are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation, all donations are tax deductible.  We'll send you a receipt for the IRS at the end of the year.  Click here to go straight to our donation page if you'd like to be a part of this project.  

So ... Now you're all caught up on the While We're Waiting ministry.  I'm going to try to make "While We're Waiting Wednesdays" a regular feature on this blog, so if you're interested in following what God is doing in WWW, be sure to check in from time to time.  I hope to be posting a ground-breaking picture soon!