Catching Up

Wow....I have done a terrible job of keeping the blog updated this month.  May is just an incredibly busy month for people in the "school business."  I've been working more than usual to get all of my students post-tested, annual review conferences held, etc., and then we've been busy every evening with some kind of school event...academic banquets, athletic banquets, choir concerts, band concerts, graduation...the list goes on and on. 

Let me catch you up on the highlights of the past week or so....

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of speaking to the ladies of Dallas Avenue Baptist Church of Mena.  They held a tea in one of the ladies' homes, and it was such a wonderful blessing to be able to share my testimony with them.  Sharing with ladies' groups like this is one of my greatest joys, and I would love to do it more often.

Following the high of speaking on Saturday afternoon, we hit a bit of a low for the rest of the weekend, as some events occurred that made us realize that maybe we, as a family, were not quite as far along on the road of grief as we thought.  We spent some time regrouping and talking about some things that we needed to talk about, and our little family of three has drawn even closer than we were before.

Thursday evening, the ladies' ministry at our church held the Rainbow of Promises dinner, a fundraiser for the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry, and its Relay for Life team.  It was a very successful event, raising over $1,500 for this ministry, and it was truly a blessing to all who attended.  I especially enjoyed the special music, which was brought to us by a pastor who is a survivor of head and neck cancer.  When he was diagnosed back in the mid-80's, he was told he would quite possibly never speak again, let alone sing.  Well, he's been preaching ever since, and has a beautiful singing voice.  I really enjoyed hearing his story and listening to him sing.

This past Saturday, we spent the day with Brad's family in Briggsville. We visited Hannah's grave while we were there. I had not been there since October 22nd, which was her 19th birthday. I felt that familiar antipathy that I always feel when I'm there. I always hope that's going to be gone when I visit that spot, but not yet. Not yet. The highlight of Bethany's day was getting to meet Buck & Bella, twin fawns that have been adopted by Brad's cousins. Buck was a little shy, but as you can see, Bella took a liking to Bethany.

Pretty cute, huh?

Yesterday morning at church, the service included a very moving tribute to Navy SEAL Adam Brown, the son of our good friends, Larry & Janice Brown.  Adam gave his life in service to our country in Afghanistan back in March of 2010.  Adam was the commander of SEAL Team Six.  Yes, that SEAL Team Six, the team that took out Osama bin Laden on May 1st.  I must say that Memorial Day has taken on a completely new meaning for me since I've gotten to know this family so well.  I feel privileged to call them my friends, and I am so grateful for their sacrifice, and for the sacrifices that so many others have made for our freedom.

The highlight of the week ahead will be Relay for Life on Friday night.  At the Rainbow of Promises dinner the other night, the emcee asked everyone who had ever been touched by cancer in any way to stand.  Almost every single person in the room stood up.  Until cancer rudely invaded the life of our family, I had no idea how prevalent it was.  I'm going to close this post with excerpts from an email written by Lisa Crook, mother of Lauren, who has been battling cancer on and off for years now.  Unless God chooses to intervene, Lauren will be joining Hannah in Heaven before too much longer.  I believe the testimony of this young lady will bless you as it does me...


"All of Lauren's senses remain altered and are gone to some degree, but she is still able to communicate with us and listen to movies or songs on occasion. What truly amazes me, sometimes she does not recognize us, but she is always able to praise and thank the Lord. We pray with her at night and when she prays (days that are good and she can talk) she just thanks the Lord for all that He does for her and how much she loves Him. Her faith and love for the Lord never wavers. She is so inspirational to me. It is just so touching to listen to her talk about the Lord. Also, I will ask her about when she was saved and once again, she tells you of that day. Even though she might not know us, she knows the Lord is there with her. That is very comforting to Lance and I. She knows the Lord is with her no matter how difficult it might be.

Please remember, as a teenage girl, Lauren prayed for a testimony and for God to use her in a mighty way. She was willing to suffer for His cause. Lauren’s words, not ours. Our prayer is that those who do not know Christ as their personal Savior, will come to know Him before it is too late. Lauren wanted to tell the world about Christ and see souls saved. I can think back through the years of Lauren telling us how she wanted to work and serve the Lord prior to cancer. Well, it might not be the way she planned and God’s plans are different from ours, but Lauren told us, she wanted everyone to see what mighty things God has done for her through her battle with cancer. Whatever the outcome, God is in control. Nothing happens outside of His will.

Lauren is no saint, she is a sinner like all of us, but she had a desire to serve the Lord in a mighty way. I hate to say this, but I don’t believe I could pray the prayer Lauren prayed. But, I can share her testimony with others and that her testimony carries on. We ask that you share with others what God has done for Lauren and us. Please keep her in prayer and us too."

Update on Glory Girl

Since my last post about Miss Glory, several of you have asked for an update.  I talked with my sister-in-law last night via text.  She attends church with Glory's family in Van Buren, and she told me that things were looking better.  Her kidneys had apparently been in danger of shutting down, but now seem to be functioning again, and they are talking about removing her breathing tube soon.  The fever is down, and the infection appers to be under control.  Her mom said she felt like "Glory was back." 

I've never actually met Glory or her mom, but I've felt such a bond with this family ever since hearing about Glory's story, which started before she was even born.  And how could you not fall in love with a face like that?! 

Thank you all so much for your prayers for this sweet baby.  She's still got a long road ahead of her, so please continue to lift her up in the weeks and months ahead.

Glory Girl

Is that not the sweetest face you've ever seen?  This is Glory Morton, a precious little girl who is almost ten months old.

Glory was born with a congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome as well as other congenital defects. Her parents knew before she was born that life would not be easy for her, and they named her Glory because, above all, they wanted God to be glorified through her life. She has been at Arkansas Children's Hospital since birth, and even though she's never been outside of the CVICU, she has already touched many lives.

I wanted you to meet "Glory Girl" so you could join me in praying for her and her family.  She has already ovecome a number of seemingly insurmountable obstacles in her short life, but has many more hurdles ahead of her.  And in the last 24 hours, she's been running a very high fever and has developed some other complications, possibly due to an infection.  So please take a moment and lift Glory before the Great Physician, from Whom all blessings flow.  And, if you're a Facebooker, you might want to like the "Fight Like a Glory Girl" page, so you can keep up with little Miss Glory.  I know her Mom would be so grateful for your prayers and messages of encouragement!

"But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high." Psalm 3:3

Ten on the Tenth--The Joys of Raising Girls

Boy, I had a hard time thinking of a topic for this month's "Ten on the Tenth".  I shuffled through several ideas in my mind, discarding them as quickly as I thought of them.  Then I spent the day with Bethany yesterday, checking her out of school early, eating lunch at Genghis Grill in Little Rock (our favorite!), and making a quick visit to the new shopping center in Chenal Valley.  We weren't just playing hookey...she had an appointment at the Arkansas Foot & Ankle Clinic to finally get a diagnosis on the foot that's been bothering her ever since she hurt it high jumping last month.  (It's a partial tear of the plantar fascia...She'll be out of commission for another 3-4 weeks or so.)  And, since it just so happened that the foot clinic was practically next door to the Krispy Kreme shop...well, we had to make another stop before we headed home.  We had the best time together, just hanging out.

I grew up with two brothers.  Well, actually one of them arrived (Surprise!) when I was already practically grown up.  So, I just kind of always assumed that when I got married someday and started having babies, I would have boys.  When I was pregnant with Hannah, my first ultrasound was inconclusive...they could not tell if she was a boy or a girl.  By the time I had my second ultrasound, her arrival was only a couple of weeks away, so we asked them not to tell us...we wanted to be surprised.  And I was definitely surprised when the doctor said, "It's a girl!" a few weeks later.  And I was surprised again a few years later, when an ultrasound confirmed that I was having another girl.  But what a joy raising two girls has turned out to be!!

So, without further ado -- "The Top Ten Joys of Raising Girls"

1.  Dressing Them Alike.  My girls were about 3 1/2 years apart...just the right age difference to have fun dressing them alike.  That probably lasted until Hannah was about 7 or 8 years old, when she figured out that it really wasn't that cool to be dressed like her little sister!

2.  Fixing Their Hair.  When they were little, it was so much fun buying the big hair bows, and experimenting with all kinds of different hairstyles.  Both of the girls had naturally curly hair, although Hannah's was much more thick and curly.  Bethany's hair was very fine, and white-blonde.  I remember a sweet little old lady in the grocery store telling me one time that she had "angel hair."  As much fun as it was to fix their hair for them, it was also nice when they got big enough to fix their own hair.  Then there's the seemingly constant search for ponyholders and bobby pins...."I don't know -- Have you checked the floor?  Or the vacuum cleaner bag?"  Can I get an Amen?

3.  ______________ Lessons.  You can fill in the blank here.  I believe at some point or another, we've done dance, gymnastics, piano, and drama lessons.  And what does Mom do while her daughter(s) are being trained in the fine arts?  Make a flying run to Wal-Mart, balance her checkbook, grade papers, fill up the gas tank, get caught up on her reading.  Nowadays, Moms have iPhones and Kindles...makes sitting and waiting much nicer, doesn't it?  And the expense of all these lessons!  My piano lessons back in the early '70's were 50 cents.  No, I am not kidding.  I would bring in my two quarters and lay them on the piano right before my hour-long lesson.  I don't think Brad has any idea to this day how much turning our daughters into well-rounded people cost him.  But it's all worth it at recital time.  It's so much fun to see your child perform after they have worked so hard.  Those recital home videos are priceless!

4.  Shopping!  First, the fun part is shopping for them...then the fun part is shopping with them.  I've always loved shopping for the girls...the aforementioned matching outfits, those white lacy socks, the Easter dresses, shoes, prom dresses.  And Bethany and I had a great time shopping together yesterday...we even found this awesome little shop with cheap costume jewelry and purses.  Hannah and I were really good shopping buddies...the last year or so that we shopped together, she seemed to take it upon herself to move her mom out of the '90's the '80's.  She seeemed to really enjoy watching me try things on, and giving me fashion advice.  I loved it.

5.  Texting.  I never would have thought I would enjoy texting.  I fought getting the girls texting plans on their phones for a long time.  Why pay to type when you can talk for free?  Then Hannah went into the hospital, and her phone practically exploded with incoming texts.  All of which we were paying ten cents apiece for, whether she answered or not.  And, of course, we wanted her to be able to answer, so we sprung for the texting plan.  And now Bethany has unlimited texting, which is a good thing, because her texting capacity certainly seems to be unlimited.  Bethany and I text each other several times a day (never during school hours of course, just in case Brad reads this...he's her principal!) and some of the best conversations we have are via text. 

6.  Watching Pageants.  The girls and I have had more fun watching the Miss America pagent over the years...talking about which dresses we like the best, who has the best talent, which girls totally flubbed the interview question, and of course, pulling for our favorites.  Good times.

7.  Eating.  Stopping for a Krispy Kreme doughnut is a perfect example of this.  I would never do that with Brad.  We are far too practical when we're together.  We don't have time to stop, and who needs those calories anyway.  But with my daughters, practicality is out the window.  If we want a doughnut, or dessert at a restaurant, we go for it.  And nobody knows but the two of us, so the calories don't count, right?

8.  Chick flicks.  Who better to watch a sappy romance movie with but your teenaged daughter?  As long as it's clean, anyway.  And unfortunately, those kind of movies are a little bit hard to find.  But when you've got a good one, there's no one more fun to share it with than your daughter.

9.  Listening to Music.  Hannah and I spent a lot of time in the car together during the year she was receiving cancer treatments.  For nearly that whole year, we drove either daily or every other day to Little Rock (50 miles one way) for radiation treatments or platelet infusions.  We passed a lot of that time listening to music.  We talked about the music we liked and didn't like and spent lots of time singing along with the radio.  I've put several of those songs on my iPod now, and every time I hear them, I'm transported back to those fun times in the car.  And Bethany always has a new favorite song that she wants me to hear.  Somehow, my girls have never quite picked up on my affinity for '80's music.

10.  Inside jokes.  "Jokes" isn't really the right word here, but I can't really think of another one that fits better...maybe "secrets" would do it.  Both of my girls and I had our share of inside jokes...we could say one word, and start each other laughing.  And then there are those secrets...like the three hand squeezes that say, "I love you" and the four squeezes in reply that say, "I love you, too." 

I love my girls.  I'm so thankful for the assurance that I'll get to spend eternity with them.  And if we have had this much fun together on earth, how much greater will our joy be in Heaven?  I can't wait!

It's "Mommy's Happy Day"!

At least, according to my 2-year-old niece, Katie Joy, it is.  Most people prefer the term "Happy Mother's Day."  But I really like her phraseology better...it's just so sweet! 

I vividly remember my first Mother's Day after Hannah went to Heaven.  She had only been gone a little over two months, and I was absolutely dreading the day.  We attended church in Mountain Home with my parents and brother and sister-in-law that day, so we could see Katie Joy and her big sister, Julia, be dedicated before their family went overseas for another 3 1/2 years serving as missionaries in Indonesia.  I was so glad to be there for their dedication, but I could not get out of there fast enough when it was over.

The hardest thing about that day was hearing people say, "Happy Mother's Day!"  Happy Mother's Day?  Are you kidding me?  There was nothing happy about that day.  Yes, I was still a Mom, and in my head I knew how blessed I was to have been Hannah and Bethany's Mom, but I was just so raw emotionally.  Every "Happy Mother's Day" felt like a physical blow.  I went to bed that night feeling very battered.

So this is my third Mother's Day since Hannah went to Heaven, and I still cringe inwardly a little bit when I hear that phrase.  "Happy Mother's Day" is an imperative...a command.  Every time I hear it (or read it on Facebook), I wonder how many women out there feel like I did on that first Mother's Day without Hannah...that Mother's Day won't ever be happy again.  Maybe that woman has lost her own Mom, or lost her child, or maybe she's never experienced the joy of being a Mom. 

Until I lost my child, I had no idea how painful Mother's Day can be for some women. 

I'm so thankful to be able to say that this holiday has gotten progressively easier over the past three years.  This day is not what it once was, but I understand that it never will be the same again.  Today's been an emotional day for me...but the tears have not come so much from sadness as from gratitude.  Gratitude for the sixteen Mother's Days I had with Hannah...gratitude for my precious Bethany....gratitude for a loving husband...and gratitude for my own wonderful mother and mother-in-law.  Among so many other things, Hannah's life and death taught me to fully appreciate the blessings I have.

And since we're on the topic of mothers.....

My friend, Janice, and I are in the process of planning a "While We're Waiting" Mini-Retreat for Bereaved Moms.  We've wanted to do this for quite awhile, after visiting with several women who wanted to come to the couples retreat, but whose husbands were not ready to come.  This one-day mini-retreat will be held at my friend Janice's home, overlooking beautiful Lake Hamilton in Hot Springs, and will be a full day of pampering, delicious food, and Christian fellowship with a group of Moms who understand what it's like to experience the loss of a child.  We'll share our stories and discuss issues that we face as grieving Moms.  We'll have some fun, too...taking an afternoon lake cruise on a pontoon boat, and enjoying some other surprises.  We'll share our struggles and our joys, and build lasting relationships as we encourage and pray for each other.  The date for this event will be June 25th, and you can register or get more information by clicking here.  We're going to limit the group to the first six women who register, because we want to keep our gathering personal and intimate.  If you would like to come, and can't make it in June, don't worry....we plan to do one of these every few months. 

And we're not going to forget about the Dads!  Our husbands are working on a "While We're Waiting" mini-retreat for Dads as well, but we don't yet have a date for it.  So far, all we really know about the Dads retreat is that it's going to include a lot of guy stuff....4-wheeler riding, canoeing, fishing, etc.  I'll let you know more details as it develops.

As I look out the window, I see that the sun is slipping below the horizon.  I pray that you have experienced some special blessings on this "Mommy's Happy Day", and that the God of hope has filled you with joy and peace.

American Idol In Review

So, we're getting down to the home stretch on American Idol.  I'm sitting in my favorite chair in the living room with my laptop on my lap (where else?) watching this week's show and blogging at the same time.  American Idol and I go way back.

But not all the way back.  We didn't watch it the first year, and there's kind of a funny reason why.  I'd heard all the buzz about this new show called American Idol....I had no idea what it was about, but because it had the word "Idol" in the title, I just assumed it was bad.  Certainly not something any self-respecting Christian would watch.  Idols?  Not for me, thank you.

By the time the second season came around, Hannah was wanting to watch it.  I told her my concerns, and she just looked at me like I was crazy.  "Mom...It's a singing competition!"  So, I sat down to watch an episode with her, and I was hooked.  And while I was hooked, she had swallowed the hook, line, and sinker.  From that day on, she never missed an episode...Thank goodness for VCRs, and eventually DVRs! 

Finally, it came down to Ruben and Clay.  Hannah was a Ruben fan, surprisingly, and was thrilled when he won that year.  The next year, it was Fantasia Barrino and Diana DeGarmo.  Hannah was CRAZY about Diana, and voted for two solid hours every Tuesday night after the show.  Diana didn't win, but the American Idol tour came to Little Rock that year, and we were on the 11th row.  At one point, Fantasia threw her "sweat rag" into the crowd, and the guy next to us caught it.  What a thrill, huh?  Hannah wrote a really sweet fan letter to Diana, and we were able to hand deliver it to Diana's mom that night.  Precious memories.

Season Four brought us Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice.  Hannah loved Carrie and I'm sure her votes helped put her over the top.  She always loved her music, and often listened to her CD's while she was getting her radiation treatments.  There were lots of favorites in Season Five, but Elliott Yamin won Hannah's heart.  He came in third that year, leaving Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee to battle it out.  Once Elliott was gone, Hannah's votes went to Taylor, and sure enough, he won.  That year, we went to the American Idol concert in St. Louis.  Hannah and Bethany were thrilled to get to meet Ace Young and Chris Daughtry.  Ace was very kind and spent lots of time with them...Chris, not so much.

Season Six brought 17-year-old Jordin Sparks and beat-boxing Blake Lewis.  A Civil War was brewing in our house...we had a Jordin fan (Hannah) and a Blake fan (Bethany).  We talked about those two people so much in our house, that we took to calling them "Blordin."  I'm not kidding.  I guess Hannah was a more dedicated voter than Bethany, because Jordin won that year.  The tour came to Little Rock again, and we were there.  We didn't get to meet Jordin, but we met Blake, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey, LaKisha Jones and Gina Glocksen.  (If you're still reading this, and you know who these people are...you are a true AI fan!)  Phil Stacey has actually put out a good contemporary Christian album.  As I said, we did not meet Jordin that day, but less than two years later we spoke to her on the phone, when she called the hospice center to talk to and encourage Hannah.  Hannah was no longer able to talk to her at that point, but Jordin was incredibly poised and gracious...She even sang one of her songs for Hannah over the phone.

About midway through Season Seven, Hannah was diagnosed with brain cancer.  She had surgery on a Tuesday, and that was probably the only episode she ever missed.  She watched Wednesday's episode with her hospital bed turned at a funny angle so she could see it.  The surgery left her without the ability to raise her eyes to see the TV mounted on the wall.  I doubt that she remembered much of that episode.  David Cook was the winner that year, and if you're a fan, you probably remember that his brother was battling brain cancer.  So, of course, we were David Cook fans...although I thought David Archuleta was great, too.

As the build-up to Season Eight began, Hannah was excitedly looking forward to it, as always.  But by the time it started in January of 2009, the cumulative effects of cancer, chemotherapy, and radiation had taken their toll.  She watched each episode, but couldn't remember from week to week who the contestants were.  And she just couldn't seem to fully grasp that there was an Arkansan in the competition.  Hannah went to Heaven before the season was complete, but I think she would have been thrilled to see Kris Allen win. 

I barely even remember Season Nine.  I really planned not to watch it...I just thought it would be too hard.  But when that time of year came around...I couldn't help but tune in.  It sounds strange, I know...but I felt like I just had to watch it on Hannah's behalf.  And the whole season is a blur.  I didn't even remember who won until he came back to perform on this season's Idol...Lee DeWyze.

So that brings us to the current incarnation of American Idol.  Two new judges, and a whole new slate of contestants.  I've enjoyed watching it this year.  It seems to be more positive...none of those scathing criticisms by Simon that used to make me cringe.  I find myself wondering what Hannah would have thought of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler.  And I wonder who she would have been voting for this year.  Would it be Scotty, like all the other teenage girls?  Or maybe Lauren?  Or Haley?  And then I remember that she would be 19 1/2 now.  What would her musical tastes be now?  Would she even be interested in American Idol anymore?  Or would she have grown out of it?  She certainly would not be the same little girl who wrote a fan letter to Diana DeGarmo. 

Well, the show has long since been over for the evening, and I'm still in the same chair with my laptop on my lap.  The dryer has stopped, and I've got clothes to fold.  Casey has been sent packing, and the judges couldn't save him this time.  Bethany's favorite, Haley, is still in it.  In a few more weeks, AI will crown its tenth winner, and life will go on.  And most of these contestants will return to relative obscurity.  In the broad scheme of things, American Idol is so incredibly insignificant...not even worth mentioning.  But I'd just like to say...American Idol -- Thanks for the memories.

Small Steps...Part 2

Last month, I wrote a post called "Small Steps".  In that post, I shared a couple of small steps that I felt were a part of my journey to healing, including the ability to sit through a Relay for Life team captain's meeting without losing it, and finally summoning the emotional stamina to gather up some of Hannah's t-shirts to get a quilt made.  Well, this week, there was a continuation of those same steps.

Yesterday was a very full day.  It began at 6:45 a.m., when we walked into the radio station in Hot Springs.  There are actually several radio stations that broadcast out of this building, and it was interesting walking down the hallway and seeing all the different booths.  We reached our booth and had a few minutes to visit with Dick Antoine, who hosts "Talk of the Town" on weekday mornings from 7:00-9:00 a.m.  He did a great job of setting us at ease and making us comfortable.  As soon as the news was over at the top of the hour, we put on our headphones, situated our microphones, and we were on air.  Over the next hour, we had the opportunity to share Hannah's story, talk about the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry, and discuss the While We're Waiting Weekends.  I really wasn't nervous until it was over...as we walked out, I realized I was shaking!

The day ended with our monthly Relay for Life team captain's meeting.  I was on the agenda to share "Why I Relay".  Last year, I listened to other people as they shared their stories of "why they relay", and thought to myself, "There is no way I'll ever be able to do that."  I've had the opportunity to share my testimony in a variety settings, and have gotten fairly comfortable doing that.  But Relay for Life meetings are different...more emotional somehow.  When I agreed to share, I really wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do it.  Once again, though...I had nothing to worry about...God stepped in and calmed my nerves, quieted my emotions, and enabled me to share what He had put on my heart.  When will I learn not to doubt Him?

The highlight of my week, though, has been receiving my t-shirt quilt.  I knew it would be good when I saw the quiltmaker's other quilts, but I was completely unprepared for how amazing it really is!  I do have to admit that there is something a little jarring about seeing your daughter's favorite shirts in quilt form, rather than on her where they should be.  Once I got past that (and it was just momentary), I absolutely fell in love with this quilt!  I'm just going to let the pictures speak for themselves....

A precious lady (and fellow OBU alum...just a few years before my time!) from Sparkman made this quilt.  I love the color combinations and polka dot material she used.  Polka dots were Hannah's favorite.

 The quiltmaker was so sweet...after she showed me the t-shirt quilt, she said, "I just couldn't bear to throw the scraps away...so I made a rag quilt out of them."  It is beautiful, and so soft and cozy...Bethany immediately claimed it when she saw it.  I love that she will have a quilt of her own to treasure.  She's been sleeping with it ever since she got it.

 Odyssey of the Mind was a huge part of Hannah's life from third through fifth grade.  Here's an assortment of some of her OM t-shirts, along with her Science Club t-shirt.  I love how she put these together into one block, and then made the cross pieces out of another of Hannah's shirts.

 This is the back of one of her t-shirts with all of her classmate's signatures on it.  If you look carefully, you can see her name near the middle of the pawprint.

 Of course, we had to include a t-shirt from Arkansas Children's Hospital.  Whenever you're an inpatient there, you receive one of these when you check out.  I think every member of our family has one.  We love ACH!

 This t-shirt was from the Disciple Now event in 2007 where Hannah prayed for a storm.  The Greek letters mean "No Other Name."  This shirt is very special to us.

 Hannah loved going to the Ozark Conference Center for church camp during the years we lived in El Dorado.  She absolutely loved that place!  She tie-dyed this shirt during one of her stays there.

 This was Hannah's favorite Odyssey of the Mind t-shirt...It was designed by her best friend, Brittany.

 Hannah often wore this shirt to her treatments at ACH and CARTI.  One of my favorites.

 We had this shirt airbrushed at a tourist trap in Gulf Shores, Alabama, on a family vacation when the girls were little. 

 A couple more of Hannah's favorite shirts...Hot Springs Baptist Church Fall Retreat '07, and the Magnet Cove Fellowship of Christian Athletes. 

 One of Hannah's favorite shirts...She wore it a lot, so of course, it had to be in the quilt.

 These little squares which were between all the blocks also came from one of Hannah's favorite shirts.

Hannah's Grandma Nina got this shirt for her.  I love how the cross looks like it's made out of Band-Aids. 

And I love knowing that, even though Hannah's healing did not take the form that we would have chosen, she is now fully healed, and in the presence of Jesus.  And for that, I am grateful.

While We're Waiting Weekend Website

Announcing a new website dedicated just to the While We're Waiting Weekend retreats for bereaved parents!  Take a look at http://www.whilewerewaitingweekend.org/ and please pass the web address along to anyone you know who might be interested in attending a weekend like this.  Check back from time to time, too...because we are in the process of working out some "mini" While We're Waiting Weekend retreats! These will be one day "pampering" retreats just for women, and there may even be a one-day retreat for men in the works.  Please pray for these events as we are in the process of developing them, and watch this blog or the While We're Waiting Weekend website for details once they are finalized.

Something else we are looking forward to....I got a phone call the other day from Dick Antoine, who hosts a morning radio show on KZNG 1340 AM in Hot Springs.  He asked if he could interview Brad and me about Hannah's experience with cancer.  So, next Tuesday, April 19th, we will be sharing our story on the radio from 7:00 to 8:00 a.m.  We are looking forward to the opportunity to share about Hannah, as well as the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry and the While We're Waiting Weekends.  Please pray that God will give us the words He wants us to say, and that He will be glorified in all that transpires.

I've also been asked to share "Why I Relay" at the next Garland County Relay for Life team captain's meeting next Tuesday evening.  Again, I ask for your prayers as I seek God's leadership in what He would have me to say.

I haven't updated my "1,000 Items that Bring Me Joy" list in awhile, but that doesn't mean I haven't been working on it.  I'll close this post with my latest additions....

#72  Seeing mallard ducks out of my Sunday School class window
#73  Spent Bradford pear blossoms looking like snow blowing in the spring breeze
#74  Sweet tea (and I mean sweeeet!)
#75  Fuzzy black and yellow bumblebees
#76  Purple and gold pansies
#77  The flowering crabapple tree in my front yard
#78  The sun glistening on water
#79  Chocolate covered strawberries
#80  Flowering dogwood trees, especially the pink ones
#81  Monarch butterflies
#82  The little yellow finches on the feeder outside Hannah's window
#83  When Bethany sits in my lap (all 5'11" of her)
#84  How the trees are all different shades of green this time of year
#85  Seeing how much the trees we planted in our yard 5 years ago have grown
#86  Seeing grieving parents find new joy
#87  Seeing God do something through WWWW that we could never have done ourselves
#88  Watching the people who came to WWWW become Facebook friends and comment on each other's statuses, encourage each other, etc.
#89  Puppies
#90  Kittens
#91  The anticipation of summer break
#92  Seeing Bethany's joy over her new car
#93  Sticky notes
#94  Freshly sharpened pencils (Yes, I know, I'm a total nerd)
#95  White geese on a pond
#96  Little girls with big hair bows
#97  The smell of a baby after a bath
#98  The color "robin's egg blue"
#99  A good massage
#100  Texting with Bethany
#101  Playing Mexican train dominoes (aka "chicken foot")
#102  Watching American Idol
#103  Watching from my classroom window as a dear family friend and retired Hall of Fame track coach mentors my daughter
#104  Anything by Mary Engelbreit
#105  New sunglasses (have to look cool to ride in Bethany's car)
#106  Afternoon naps
#107  Raw cookie dough
#108  Raw carrots (to cancel out the cookie dough)
#109  Getting a 30% off coupon for Kohl's in the mail
#110  A hot shower with good water pressure
#111  Anyting related to the Wizard of Oz
#112  Sunflowers
#113  Chocolate covered raisins
#114  Facebook (actually this is a love/hate relationship)
#115  Bananas on my cereal
#116  Cinnamon rolls
#117  Black & white pictures
#118  Making sand castles
#119  Floating on an air mattress, soaking up the sun
#120  Wearing a t-shirt and shorts
#121  My While We're Waiting Weekend t-shirt
#122  My "Fight Like a Glory Girl" t-shirt  ("Like" Fight Like a Glory Girl on Facebook to read Glory's story)
#123  Homemade strawberry jelly on a hot English muffin
#124  Nutella
#125  Having my mom's china in my china cabinet (which also used to be my mom's)
#126  The rock jewelry my rock-hound Grandpa Kapteyn made for me
#127  The lamp in our guest bedroom that used to belong to my Grandma Persenaire (it still works!)
#128  My pillow
#129  Spudnuts from the Spudnut Shoppe in El Dorado
#130  Hot doughnuts from Krispy Kreme
#131  Actually, doughnuts from anywhere
#132  Rolling chairs
#133  Chipmunks
#134  Rocks that are big enough to sit on
#135  Hannah's purity ring...now always on my right hand ring finger
#136  '80's music
#137  Homemade strawberry pie
#138  Andes mints (especially if they're cold)
#139  Reading a book while I eat lunch
#140  American flags on a windy day
#141  The little "HS" sticker on the back window of my car
#142  Pretty file folders
#143  Having all the laundry done (this is a very short-lived experience)
#144  K-LOVE and AirOne radio

Ten on the Tenth

A few weeks ago, there was a post going around on Facebook titled "Things Bereaved Parents Wish You Knew".  There were eighteen items on the list, and, of course, I could totally relate to all of them.  But since this is Ten on the Tenth and not Eighteen on the Eighteenth, I decided to pare the list down to the ten things that meant the most to me personally. 

So here goes..."Ten Things Bereaved Parents Wish You Knew".

1.  Please don't be afraid to talk to me about my child.  My child lived and was very important to me, and it is a comfort to me to know that he or she was important to you, too.  My child is pretty much always on my mind anyway...you're not going to "remind" me that he or she is gone.

2.  If I cry when you speak of my child, it isn't because you have hurt me.  My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and allowed me to share my grief and I thank you for both.

3.  If I seem absent-minded and forgetful, that's because I am!  "Grief Brain" is a common malady in bereaved parents.  I'm really not losing my mind, but sometimes I may feel like I am.

4.  Please don't expect my grieving to be over in six months, or even in a year. The early months may be the most traumatic for me, but please understood that my grief will never fully end until the day I am reunited with my child in Heaven.  And though it may sound strange, I don't really want my pain to completely go away...it helps keep me connected with my child.

5.  When you ask me how I'm doing, that's a really hard question for me to answer.  I will probably tell you I'm fine or I'm doing okay, but neither one of us has enough time for me to fully and accurately answer that question.

6.  Please excuse me if I seem rude at times.  Sometimes I just don't have the emotional stamina to participate in the small talk and keep the smile on my face.  I may just have to "check out" for awhile.

7.  Please don't tell me that you understand or that you know how I feel.  Unless you have lost a child, you cannot understand how it feels.  I pray that you will never know how I feel.

8.  Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me.  I need your support now more than ever before.

9.  You may see me struggling emotionally sometimes, especially when I'm at church.  This does not mean I have lost my faith.  For a variety of reasons, church is just a very emotional place to be. 

10.  Please understand that the loss of a child changes a person. When my child died, a large part of me died with him or her. I am not the same person that I was before my child died and I will never be that person again.

So, there it is.  Ten Things Bereaved Parents Wish You Knew.  In the course of making this list, I actually changed it up quite a bit from the original Facebook version.  Now, I would never claim to be a spokesman for all bereaved parents.  But over the course of many conversations with parents who have lost children, I've found these things to be common to many of us. 

As Item #10 says, Hannah's death has changed me forever.  I am not the same person I was prior to February 26, 2009.  Through God's grace alone, I am a better person.  And in spite of the grief I live with every day, I will seek to honor Hannah's life through my healing.  Because of His goodness and faithfulness, I can honestly say that I believe the best days of my life on earth are yet ahead of me.  And that's a huge encouragement while I'm waiting.

While We're Waiting Weekend Wrap-Up

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20 NKJV

When I think about this past weekend, that is the verse that comes to mind.  In my last post, I asked you to pray that God would take our lack, and make much of it.  And He did that...exceedingly abundantly above and beyond anything we could have asked or imagined.  I don't even have the words to adequately explain how amazing the weekend was...so, instead, I'll use pictures with just a little bit of narration.

First...A few photos of Family Farm, our beautiful home-away-from-home for the weekend:

 I like this picture because you can see the morning mist on the pond!





All ready for our guests to arrive!

Next, our time spent meeting together....

 Pictures of our precious children...

 Praise & worship time on Sunday morning

 The Mays sharing about the loss of their son, Zane, at "Salvation Station" 

  The lovely ladies who served our delicious dinner Saturday evening!  Aren't they cute?

Time for some fun!  Here we are enjoying the "farm" part of Family Farm...

I could tell you about the "pig riding" episode...but, hey...what happens at WWWW, stays at WWWW!

Of course, we had to try out all of the camp activities, such as "Islands"....

Success!



 Land Skis...

 The guys won...but I'm pretty sure they cheated!

The Balance Log...

The Zip Line...

And, of course, fishing!

Nice one, huh?

By the end of the weekend, this group of strangers had become a family.  We left there changed people...inspired by the stories of our children's lives, reassured of our normalcy as grieving parents, reminded of our Savior's love for us, and most of all, re-energized to serve our Lord while we're waiting to be reunited with our kids in Heaven. 

I'll close this post with a link to the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller...I believe it sums up the weekend better than I ever could.  Thank you so much to all of you who prayed for this first "While We're Waiting" Weekend.  We will be having another one in the fall...probably the first weekend in November.  Send me an email if you would like a registration form!  And keep watching the blog for some other "While We're Waiting" projects we're working on!