Prayers Please!

Just a quick note tonight to earnestly ask for your prayers for this weekend.  This is the eve of the While We're Waiting Weekend, and my emotions are all over the place.  I'm simultaneously feeling exhilarated, nervous, stoked, terrified, excited...but the overriding feeling may be that of inadequacy.  And as I ponder that feeling, I've decided that maybe that's a good thing.  2 Corinthians 4:7 comes to mind..."But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."  This weekend, Brad and I feel so honored to simply be jars of clay, with the opportunity to allow the power of God to shine through us. 

Some specific prayer requests for this weekend:

--Please pray for each couple who is coming.  I don't want to share any names, in the interest of confidentiality, but I fully believe that God has specifically ordained for each of these couples to be there.  I know that coming to a retreat like this can be a very frightening thing (I know this because we've done it)!  It's scary to even think about spending an entire weekend with total strangers, talking about the most painful part of your life.  These are some brave folks! Please pray that their fears will be allayed, that they will be able to relax and feel at home within a few minutes of arriving, and that this will be a time of great encouragement and healing for each of them.

--Please pray for all the big and small details of the weekend...the meals, the sleeping arrangements, the schedule, and all those tiny little things that we may not have even thought of. 

--Please pray for each "session" time of the weekend.  We are going to have a time for each couple to share their story including a prayer time for each one after they share, a couple of sessions where we discuss issues that grieving parents face, and a structured time for couples to spend alone together (did that even make sense?).  We'll close the weekend on Sunday morning with a session discussing how we can live well while we're waiting, along with a praise and worship time.  And we're going to include some fun...we plan to take full advantage of the beautiful weather forecast and the outdoor activities available at Family Farm.  And there's always the possibility that a spontaneous game of Pictionary or Minute to Win It could break out!

--Please pray for Brad and I as we facilitate these sessions.  "Facilitate" is the key word...There are several couples coming who are much farther down the road of grief than we ourselves are.  We plan to glean as much as we can from their wisdom and experience.  However, someone has to sit in front and take a leadership role, and that will be us.  Like I said, we are completely inadequate for the job...So, please pray that God would take our lack, and make much of it.

--Finally, and most importantly, pray that God would be glorified throughout the events of this weekend.  That a group of people in pain could still find it in them to praise the Lord for His goodness.  That He would take our shared grief and channel it into ministry.  That He would teach all of us how to live while we're waiting for that glorious reunion one day.

Thank you for your prayers.  They mean more than we can say!

Less Than a Week Away!

The While We're Waiting Weekend Retreat is now less than a week away!  We are so excited about the group of people God has brought together for this weekend.  There is a couple coming whose child went to Heaven less than a year ago...and a couple whose child has been in Heaven for thirty years.  There is a couple coming who lost a full-term, preborn baby, and a couple who lost a 36 year old son in Afghanistan.  Some of us lost our children after long illnesses, and some of us lost our children suddenly and unexpectedly.  We are bound together by a common sorrow, but also by an uncommon Savior.  We are looking forward to sharing some delicious food and amazing fellowship.  There is nothing like spending unhurried, relaxed time with people who share your faith in God, and who understand you so completely.  Nobody can understand a parent who's lost a child like another parent who's lost a child.   

The other day on Facebook, I saw a post by someone whose dog had just died.  She had had this dog for many years, and I'm sure she was very sad to lose him.  But, she included in her post these words..."I feel like I've just lost my child."  And I thought to myself, "Wow...She really doesn't have a clue."  Until you've lost a child, you just don't get it.  I know I didn't.  And I'm really looking forward to spending all of next weekend with a group of people who do. 

There are still a few slots available for next weekend's retreat, if you'd like to come and be a part of it.  Lord willing, we'll be hosting another one this fall, tentatively scheduled for November 4-6, 2011.  Click on the "Weekend Retreat for Bereaved Parents" button over in the left hand column for additional information and to find out how you can register.  We believe that God is going to use these retreats in a mighty way to provide encouragement and support to those of us who are seeking to live well while we're waiting to be reunited with our children in Heaven someday. 

"...But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."  Romans 8:25

Small Steps

So, the 71st entry in my 1,000 Item Joy List from my previous post was "small steps forward in the grief journey."  You may be wondering why, since it's been a little over two years now since Hannah went to Heaven, the grief journey is still going on.  You know..."Shouldn't she be over that by now?"...kind of mumbled into your sleeve?  I would have thought the same thing myself three years ago.

Since then, I've learned that grief is not a sprint, and the steps of the process are small, sometimes even imperceptible.  Imagine trying to run a marathon, but only being able to take baby steps.  It's gonna take you awhile, isn't it?  In fact, you might not ever finish.  But every one of those baby steps does take you closer to the finish line, and as my former marathon-ing husband will tell you, it's continuing to move forward that really matters.

So...a couple of those baby steps...

Last year, we participated in Relay for Life for the first time.  The Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry had a team, and I was the team captain.  As the captain, it was my job to attend all of the team captain "rallies" leading up the actual event.  And I'm just going to be honest with you...it was hard to attend those meetings.  I had a constant refrain running through my head -- I don't belong there...I shouldn't be here...My child shouldn't have died of cancer...I don't want to be here...Let me out of here!  But, of course, nobody saw that...I sat there smiling politely at everybody...just not talking to anybody, because you already know that I can't talk when I'm about to cry.  That was pretty easy to do, because I didn't really know anybody at the meetings anyway.  I would duck out as soon as the meeting was over, and let the pent-up tears flow as I drove home.  Every meeting was like that, and deep down, I was dreading the night of Relay.  If just the meetings were that hard, how could I possibly make it through the whole night of Relay?  But, you know what, the Relay itself was not bad.  Surrounded by our friends from Anchor of Hope, we were actually able to enjoy ourselves...and realized that Relay for Life was something we should have been involved with before our daughter was ever diagnosed with cancer.  Here's a picture from last year...

Sorry...I've digressed a little bit.  Let me get back to that baby step I was talking about.  This year, I am once again the captain of the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry team.  The team captain rallies have been going on for awhile already, but I haven't been able to get to one due to basketball season.  That's over now, so I was finally able to go to last week's meeting.  I came in, signed up my team, picked up my bag of goodies, found a seat, chatted a little bit with the people around me, listened to all the different committee representatives, and then headed out.  I had driven maybe a mile down the road when it suddenly hit me.  I wasn't crying!  I wasn't even choked up.  And I realized that I had sat through that entire meeting without a single verse of that old refrain running through my head.  On the other hand, I had felt very comfortable and confident that evening...as if I actually belonged there.  I can't describe the lightness I felt in my heart as I drove the rest of the way home.  It was a step...an almost imperceptible one at first...but a step forward...a reminder that healing is taking place.

One other little step to share.  For a long time now, really ever since Hannah went to Heaven, I've wanted to have a quilt made out of her old t-shirts.  When we cleaned out her room several months ago, I went through her dresser drawer and picked out all of the shirts I wanted to use.  But then I put them away, because I didn't think there was any way that I was going to be able to actually talk to a quilt-maker about them...remember the aforementioned lack of speaking ability in emotional situations.  How could I possibly explain to someone which parts of the shirts I wanted to use, the design I wanted, the colors I liked...if I couldn't even talk? 

I did do some research, and identified the person I wanted to make the quilt...a family friend of a co-worker.  She lives about an hour away, and she does absolutely beautiful work.  With spring break coming up, I knew I would have time to carefully go through the shirts and make the trip to the quilt-maker's house.  So I screwed up my courage, and last Saturday, Brad and I took our precious cargo to this sweet lady's house.  She invited us into her home, which was filled with some fascinating antiques...a beautiful juke box, an old Coke machine, an ancient cash register...and she put us immediately at ease.  Turns out she and her husband are OBU alumni, so immediately we were family, as all former OBU Tigers are.  And I was able to hold Hannah's t-shirts in my hands, coherently explain to her what I wanted, and smile and laugh while we chatted.  No tears.  My voice worked.  Another step on the path to healing.

And I can't wait to show you my new quilt when it's done!

Eucharisteo

"And He took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them..." (Luke 22:19 NIV)

With less than twelve hours to live, Jesus took bread, gave thanks, and shared it with His disciples. He gave thanks. Knowing what was ahead of Him.

Ann Voskamp points out in her book "One Thousand Gifts" that in the original language, "He gave thanks" reads "eucharisteo." She explains that the root word of "eucharisteo" is "charis", meaning "grace." When Jesus took the bread, He recognized it as a gift from God and gave thanks. She goes on to explain that the word "eucharisteo" also holds a derivative of "charis", which is "chara", a Greek word meaning "joy."

Ann asks the question, "Is the height of my chara joy dependent on the depths of my eucharisteo thanks?" She points out that joy is always possible, right here, right now...as long as we are willing to be thankful. True joy is not in some exotic location or mountain top experience. I love this statement: "The only place we need see before we die is this place of seeing God, here and now."

Grace...Thanksgiving...Joy. It's that simple.

Thanksgiving isn't always easy...In fact, sometimes it's downright hard!

"He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God." (Psalm 50:23 NIV)

Sometimes thanksgiving is a sacrifice. When you've been deeply hurt, it costs something to be thankful. Yet when we recognize God for who He is, when we truly see His grace, we can be thankful in any circumstance, and that is where fullness of joy comes from.

Paul says this in Philippians 4:11-12: "I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little."

What did Paul say? Twice he says, "I have learned..." It appears that we have to learn "eucharisteo". I don't think it comes naturally...at least it doesn't to me. But as my "Joy List" grows, so does my capacity for thanksgiving. It's a process. But I'm learning...learning to live with my eyes open to the "charis" grace all around me.

And my list continues...

#61 "Blue Jeans" Fridays at work
#62 Morning dew
#63 Full moons
#64 Seeing all the kids at school wearing green on St. Patrick's Day
#65 Finding Mary Engelbreit notecards at Michael's for 50 cents (I mean packages of 8 cards for 50 cents! 50 cents!!!)
#66 Cherry vanilla Diet Coke from Sonic
#67 Getting Blizzards from Dairy Queen on Sunday nights after church
#68 Reading on my treadmill
#69 Downloading free books on my Kindle app
#70 How my dog always manages to find the TV remote on the couch and lays down on top of it
#71 Small steps forward in the grief journey

More about those small steps in the next post...

Common Things

So after our brief digression for Ten on the Tenth, I want to get back to the "One Thousand Gifts" book by Ann Voskamp. Prior to finding the link to her article on Facebook, I had never heard of her. After reading her book, though, I almost feel like I know her. When she was a child, her younger sister, Aimee, was killed before her eyes, run over by a delivery truck on their farm. She grew up in a home filled with ambivalence (if not animosity) toward God, and completely devoid of joy. She came to know the Lord as her Savior later in her life. She is now a farmer's wife in Ontario, a homeschooling mother of six.

One night she dreams that she's been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and has only a short time to live. When she awakens, she realizes how much she really, really wants to live. She also realizes how really, really inevitable her death is. She begins to think about all the things she's never going to get to do with her life..."scaling the summit of emerald Machu Picchu", "witnessing the dance of gazelles migrating up by the millions from the Serengeti", or "swimming the sapphire waters of some South Pacific Grotto." And she questions why it is that we seem to feel compelled to accomplish certain things or visit certain places before we die. Could it be that there is beauty and wonder in the common things we see every day?

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about Hannah's bucket list, or rather, her lack of one. I think she had discovered the truth that Ann was talking about in her book. That God has surrounded us right where we are with more love and beauty than we can possibly take in in a lifetime. Good thing we've got eternity, huh? Our eyes just have to be open to see it. More about that in a future post...

In the meantime, my list continues...

1000 Things That Bring Me Joy (continued)

#36 Bath & Body Works hand soap
#37 Stepping in puddles on purpose
#38 Mail in the mailbox
#39 The Bible app on my iPhone
#40 The sound of rain on the roof
#41 Crystal Light packets (you know, the kind you add to water bottles)
#42 Bath & Body Works body spray
#43 The sight of horses grazing in a field
#44 A sky full of stars on a clear night
#45 Beth Moore Bible studies
#46 Deer in our yard at night
#47 My new necklaces from The Vintage Pearl
#48 Meeting with the While We're Waiting Weekend leadership team
#49 Reading in bed
#50 72 degree days
#51 Buds on the trees
#52 The anticipation of spring
#53 Bright yellow forsythias
#54 Reading good news on kids' Caring Bridge sites
#55 A 2 hour nap on a Saturday afternoon
#56 Finishing our tax returns and getting a refund
#57 The sound of handbells
#58 Rainy mornings when I don't have to go anywhere
#59 Watching birds on the feeder outside Hannah's window
#60 Sunshine after 3 dark, cold, cloudy days!

Ten on the Tenth

Since my focus recently has been on slowing down and really seeing the blessings in life, I thought that in this month's "Ten on the Tenth" I'd share some of the "gifts" that our experience with cancer gave us.

Cancer has taken so much from us....and from so many others. It may seem strange to even think that it can give anything...other than pain and grief. But God, through the mystery of His grace, can take something even as ugly and destructive as cancer, and bring some good from it.

So, in no particular order, here are ten "gifts" that our experience with cancer brought to our family:

1. Cancer has brought us a heightened awareness of the treasure we have in our family...and an appreciation of every minute we spend together.

2. Cancer has revealed the love and concern of our family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers...all of whom have reached out to us in different ways over the past few years. Cancer showed us how to receive God's blessings through other people, and has given us a greater desire to be a channel of God's blessing ourselves.

3. Cancer has taught us about the power of prayer. Yes, we prayed for Hannah's healing...and no, she was not healed as we would have chosen. However, we know that every prayer lifted up on her (and our) behalf was heard. And we continue to feel the strength of those prayers as we are still learning how to live life without her here.

4. Cancer has opened our eyes to the heartache in the world around us. Our hearts are much more tender now, knowing that we don't know the heartbreaks those around us have experienced.

5. Cancer has showed us (me, in particular) that we are not in control. When a member of your family is undergoing treatment for cancer, you never know what the next week, day, or even hour may bring. Cancer brought us to the point of releasing what semblance of control we thought we had, and placing our schedules and our lives fully in the hands of God.

6. Cancer has helped us recognize the joy of an ordinary day. Just time, spent together, enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

7. Cancer allowed us to spend more quality time with Hannah than we probably ever would have if she had been a normal teenager, busy with school and all its activities. The hours we spent in the car driving back and forth to Little Rock every day, the time we spent at home when she was unable to go to school, and even the days and nights we spent in the hospital together watching Facts of Life reruns...Those are moments we will always treasure.

8. Cancer has brought some amazing people into our life. Something about a cancer diagnosis immediately bonds you with others who have also gone through the cancer experience. God has blessed us with friendships that will be life-long...and this may sound crazy, but some of these people we've never even actually met! Pretty amazing how God can do that, huh?

9. Cancer has given us a desire to serve God well right now, and not wait until sometime in the future...like maybe when we're less busy. (Does that time ever come?) Cancer has given us an eternal perspective and focus we didn't have before.

10. Cancer has filled us with a yearning for Heaven. Our ties to this earth have been loosened, and we are earnestly looking forward to the day when cancer is thrown into the lake of fire along with Satan and all of his angels. That's where it belongs. And our God, who will make all things right in the end, will be glorified forever.

Thank You, Lord, for taking something as hideous and painful as cancer, and somehow wringing a little bit of beauty out of it. And thank you for opening our eyes to see it, even in the midst of all the pain and grief that cancer has brought us. You truly are good, all the time.

Ripping Up Paper

I absolutely love this video. I saw it posted on Facebook a couple of times this past week, and I thought, "What a perfect example of pure, unadulterated joy." And from something as simple as ripping up paper! How is it that we, as adults, don't seem to have that kind of joy?

Is it the "big" things that drag us down...the debts, the divorces, the diseases, the deaths? Certainly, those things can steal our joy. Sometimes, I wonder, though, if it isn't the multiple accumulation of all those "little" things...aggravations, irritations, frustrations...that tend to really bring us down.

Today is Monday...My opportunity to get all my necessary errands done before focusing my attention on preparing for our next speaking engagement and the While We're Waiting Weekend. I will have Tuesday to work on those things before going back to my real job on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Each week, my Monday morning is filled with activity...an hour on the treadmill, a quick shower, and then all my running around town...bank, post office, drug store, Wal-Mart, etc. (Can you tell I'm a "task-oriented" person?) This morning I was feeling particularly pressed for time, as my "to-do" list was even more lengthy than usual. So I had my work out, my shower, my Bible study/prayer time, and then hopped in the car with my day's agenda running through my head.

As I drive into town, I pass by Wal-Mart on the way to my other stops, and the sign by the Murphy gas station catches my eye. $3.45 a gallon for regular unleaded?! Yikes!! Good thing I still have half a tank. Then I pass the next gas station...$3.32 a gallon for regular unleaded. I flip on my turn signal and quickly wheel in, thinking to myself that I better grab this bargain while I can. I top off my tank, and pull out, heading for the bank and the post office. I get those errands completed quickly, and I'm feeling pretty good about how the morning is going so far. I turn back toward Wal-Mart, and as I'm driving along I pass the station where I just got gas less than ten minutes earlier. The sign now says $3.49 a gallon for regular unleaded! So, I'm feeling pretty smart and rather proud of myself for my savvy purchase...ahhhh, something to add to my joy list!

I pull into Wal-Mart parking lot, still basking in the glow of my 17 cents a gallon savings, and head into the store. Now Wal-Mart is not generally a place that inspires joy in me, but like I said, I'm feeling pretty good about how the morning has gone so far. I buzz up and down the aisles, quickly picking up all of our weekly necessities, and approach the check-out area, carefully surveying the lines to see which one is the shortest. After all, I've got things to do when I get out of there! I choose the shortest line and stand there for a couple of minutes, perusing the candy, gum, breath mints, etc., while I wait. It begins to dawn on me that there doesn't seem to be a lot going on down there by the register and I take a look. Well, I was right, there isn't anything going on down at the register...everybody's just standing there, kind of looking at each other, and the cashier is holding a twenty dollar bill. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what was going on, and cast several questioning looks in that direction. The cashier finally noticed me and said, "The guy had to run out to his truck to get some change." Huh? Isn't giving change the cashier's job? But I nodded politely as if I understood, and continued to wait. And wait. And wait. I don't know where this guy's truck was parked, but apparently it wasn't in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Finally the guy comes in (walking very slowly, I might add), and hands the cashier a handful of change. Ahhhhh...Now I see. His total bill was apparently $20.00 and some change, and he had to go out to his truck to get the additional cash. I would have gladly given him the 72 cents or whatever it was he needed!

Anyway, he takes his stuff and goes, and now I'm just one customer away from checking out. The cashier rings up all his items, and the young man runs his debit card through the little card swiping machine...and it is denied. He insists he has enough money in his account, and so he runs it through again, and again, and again. He and the cashier decide that it must be the little card swiping machine's problem, and decide that the best thing to do would be to go to the ATM machine in the customer service area and use his card to get cash to pay for his stuff. At this point, I would have just changed lanes, but I had already placed all my purchases on the conveyer belt, and I really didn't want to have to move everything back into my cart, and look for another short line. So, I waited "patiently" for the guy to come back from the ATM. Well, there must have been a line of people waiting to use that ATM, because several more minutes ticked by. By this time, I was beginning to feel the wisps of smoke curling out of my ears. There were so many other things I needed to be doing besides standing in that line...like blogging about joy!

He finally returned with a rather sheepish look on his face. Turns out he didn't have enough money in his account to cover all he wanted to purchase, but he had withdrawn enough cash to pay for some of it. He and the cashier painstakingly went through his items, and the cashier scanned them back in one by one until his total bill was a little less than the amount of cash in his hand. Needless to say, the afterglow from my gas purchase was long gone by this time. All I wanted to do was get out of there!

Finally, it was my turn. Zip, zip, zip and my items were scanned. The little card swiping machine worked just fine for me, thankfully, and before I knew it, I was loading my purchases into my trunk. But my feelings of well-being and joy were gone! I had allowed them to be stolen away by a moment (okay, more than a moment) of inconvenience. And I thought I had learned how "not to sweat the small stuff" when Hannah had cancer! Apparently it didn't take. How could I allow such a minor thing to have such a major impact on my day?

In my last post, I talked about my decision to make a list of 1,000 things that bring me joy. One reason I have made the commitment to write out this list is because of my tendency to be so task-focused all the time that I fail to notice what's really going on around me. I am always in a hurry...always thinking about the next thing I need to do, and the next thing, and the next. My prayer is that making this list will force me to slow down...to actually see the blessings around me, to take time to physically write them down, and to consciously thank God for each and every one of them. Even if it's something as simple as ripping up paper.

As I re-read the article from the Huffington Post for my last blog post, I noticed at the bottom of the article that Ann Voskamp has actually written a book on this subject, titled "One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are." I immediately downloaded it on my Kindle app, and read it in about three days. I'm re-reading it now, more slowly (see, I'm slowing down!), and over my next few posts, I'd like to share some of what really spoke to me in this book. It's an excellent book, and I highly recommend it.

My list? In my last post, I shared items 1-3...Here's what I've written down since then.

1,000 Things That Bring Me Joy

#4 The bird building a nest in the birdhouse on my porch
#5 The feeling I have when I first get into bed after a long day
#6 Clean sheets
#7 Spring thunderstorms
#8 The crispness of the air in the morning after a stormy night
#9 The way my dog follows me from room to room when it's just she and I alone in the house
#10 Turning a new page on the calendar
#11 Daffodils on a hillside
#12 Opening the blinds first thing in the morning
#13 Having the house to myself
#14 My iPod on shuffle -- I love not knowing what song is going to play next
#15 Cadbury eggs
#16 Old family recipes
#17 The magic of email
#18 Picking Bethany up from school and hearing about her day
#19 The pink orange purple of the sunrise
#20 The bright green of new spring grass
#21 That He is the Good Shepherd
#22 Blooming Bradford pear trees
#23 That "sore muscles" feeling after a good work out (but not too sore)
#24 Shopping with Bethany
#25 Buying little girl clothes again...for my nieces in Indonesia
#26 The sounds of high school baseball practice outside my classroom window
#27 A whole evening at home with my family
#28 Trying a new recipe that turns out good
#29 Ghirardelli chocolate squares
#30 Annette (my hair stylist) washing my hair for me
#31 Annette blow drying my hair for me
#32 New socks
#33 The sound of a mandolin
#34 Walking my first 5K in honor of an American hero
#35 Filling up my gas tank right before the price jumps 17 cents :-)

Thank You, Lord, for the joy in my life. Forgive me for letting it be stolen away so easily.

1,000 Things

This is one of my very favorite pictures of Hannah. It was taken at my in-law's house in El Dorado one Easter. I just love the sweetness of it...the simple joy of blowing bubbles in the sunshine on a beautiful spring day.

Today marked two years since Hannah stepped into the arms of Jesus. Two years that feel like two hundred. Could it possibly be only two years since I last held her in my arms?

How does one commemorate the two year anniversary of the most difficult day of your life? Over the last couple of years, we've come up with some new Christmas traditions and birthday traditions that have given us a measure of comfort...but somehow, we've not been able to establish any "death anniversary" traditions.

We did have a really neat diversion today, though. A month or two ago, I mentioned in a post that a Magnet Cove High School student was making a documentary about Hannah as part of a class project. She came out to our house, set up cameras from three different angles, and interviewed us...asking some really emotion-provoking questions. We provided her with an assortment of pictures and home videos for her to include as she chose. At the time, I thought she was just doing it for her multi-media class...I didn't realize that this documentary was going to be a part of the Tri-Lakes Youth Film Festival, and shown at the Ritz Theater in Malvern. And wouldn't you know it...that film festival was scheduled for this weekend, and that movie was shown at 3:00 today. (It will also be shown at 2:30 tomorrow.) Of course, we went to see it, and it was wonderful. I was thankful that the theater was dark, and there were several other videos by Magnet Cove students that we sat through before they turned the lights back on, so I had time to pull myself together. I was glad we had the opportunity to do that today.

Something else that helped get us through this day was the outpouring of love and support we've received over the last few days in the form of cards, emails, and Facebook postings. I've been overwhelmed by the number of people who have reached out to us in love...And it's made a difference. It truly does lighten the burden when there are so many people to share it with you. The three of us thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support.

So what does the title "1,000 Things" have to do with this post? Well, you know how I've shared with you many times that "Joy" has become our theme over the past year or so? Even to the point that we've created a Joy Wall in Hannah's room? And how sometimes I have to admit that I'm just not really feelin' that joy?

A couple of weeks ago, I was scrolling down my news feed on Facebook and something caught my eye. A friend had posted a link to an article entitled, "How to Find the Holy Grail of Joy." Of course, I had to click on it. The link took me to the article, which was written by Ann Voskamp and published on the Huffington Post. Here are some excerpts:


"I think the fall in Eden was ultimately a failure to give thanks. It's strange how we'd rather live tripping and stumbling than murmur that one word. Augustine claimed that 'without exception...all try their hardest to reach the same goal, that is, joy.' The wild crusade of my life has been just this--this straining after elusive joy while the virus of bitterness, of ungratefulness, keeps destroying.

I wasn't feeling particularly in need of a cure when I took up a friend's silly dare to write down a thousand things that made me happy. I knew she was just goading me, a way to prove that I had plenty of things to enjoy. So I grabbed a notebook. And began scribbling down whatever made me smile. Morning shadows across old floors. Jam piled high on toast. The cry of a blue jay high in the spruce.

It didn't seem I was fixing anything in the beginning. But each day I kept at it. It was easy and it made me happy, so I kept going.

Every day I'd number another five, another ten, and the game became a hunt to see if I could find a bit of God's glory in my days. Washing dishes, at the stove stirring soup, I'd see the afternoon light spark on the rim of a pot and it'd spark me. I'd wipe my hands on my apron and reach for the pen. Although the world is ugly, it is beautiful.

I was waking up. Something in me started to stir. I realized how numbed and jaded I'd become. And I couldn't stop scratching it down -- blessings, graces -- God in the moment. Why hadn't I realized that joy was right in the middle of life, unlocked in the moments? Where did I think it should be? After all, it's only moments that make up a life. And if the riddle of life isn't unlocked in the moments, where is it found? Do not disdain the small. The whole of the life is made up of the minute parts, and if the infinitesimals are missed, the whole is missed too. Maybe I was starting to find what I couldn't miss.

Because what if the holy grail of joy isn't somewhere else but in the small things, in the moments? Maybe the secret was just this: To keep seeking God where we doubt He is.

It's only when we wake to how blessed we are, when we take life as grace and give thanks for it, that we become the bread to be given to a starving world. This is our great weapon in the war."


Hmmmm...When I read that article, I was instantly intrigued. A list of 1,000 things that bring me joy? I could do that. But could I really? 1,000 things is a lot of things...a rather mind-boggling number when you really think about it. I mean, it might take a whole year to make a list of 1,000 things!

And that's when it hit me. Yes, it probably would take a whole year to make a list of 1,000 things that bring me joy. And what if I were to start my list on February 26, 2011, with the goal of finishing it on February 26, 2012? How might that change the way I live this third year of my life without Hannah's physical presence?

And so begins my Joy Odyssey. And as I wrap up this post, I see by the clock in the corner of my computer screen that February 26, 2011, has already ended. But, that's okay, I started my list before the midnight hour. I plan to keep you updated about how the list is coming along, and I'm looking forward to sharing with you some of the joys I discover along the way. And I hope that some of you might decide to join me on this year-long Joy Odyssey, and that you'll share some of your joys with me. For after all, my goal in doing this is not simply to identify what makes me happy (really, how self-centered would that be?), but instead to keep me focused on the ultimate Joy-Giver, and to yield to Him the gratitude that He so richly deserves.

Oh, those first few items on my list?

1,000 Things That Bring Me Joy

1. The knowledge that I will be reunited with Hannah in Heaven some day.
2. The love and concern of family and friends that was shown so freely to our family today.
3. The warmth of Bethany's hugs.

More to come...!

"While We're Waiting" Weekend Update

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know about the "While We're Waiting" Weekend retreat we are planning for bereaved parents in April. Our leadership team met on Tuesday night of this week, and there's been a very exciting development.

A corporate sponsor has stepped forward and offered to underwrite the cost of all of the meals for the retreat! This will enable us to reduce the cost of the retreat significantly...from $150 to just $50 for the entire weekend! We are excited that this will make the retreat more accessible to anyone who would like to attend. We are still wanting to keep the total number of our group relatively small (no more than twelve couples in all), in order to promote deep conversations and the development of rich friendships.

If you've ever lost a child, you know how quickly a bond forms between you and another bereaved parent. It's almost as if you've known each other all your lives. Brad and I had the privilege of attending a Valentine banquet at Third Baptist Church in Malvern a couple of weeks ago, where Brad shared our testimony. After he sat down, an older couple at our table (whom we had been sitting with all evening), leaned over and whispered to us that they had lost a child, too. I couldn't wait for the banquet to end so we could share stories. Would you believe that they had lost a 17-year-old daughter to cancer? I'm not sure how old they were, but I'm guessing that loss had occurred at least 50 or 60 years ago. But you know, we were immediately drawn to each other in a way that is hard to describe. Even though we were literally decades apart in age, we "got" each other. And I believe that both of us couples left that night encouraged...knowing that God brought us together, even if only for an evening, to gain strength from each other.

And that's what the "While We're Waiting" Weekend is all about...An opportunity for people who share a common grief and an uncommon Savior to spend some quality time together, sharing our hurts and our joys in a safe environment, where we all "get" each other. We will cry together and laugh together, learn from each other, gain strength from each other, and encourage each other. And most of all, we will focus on how we can move through our grief and focus on how we can become what God wants us to be "while we're waiting" to be reunited with our children in Heaven.

We still have a few spots open for this April's "While We're Waiting" Weekend. If you're interested in attending, or you know someone who might be interested, click the "While We're Waiting Weekend Retreat" tab at the top of this page for more information. Or, send me an email at thesullivan4@gmail.com, and I'll email you the information directly. We'd love to see you there!

A Hero of the Faith

This beautiful young lady is Lauren Crook. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you've read about her before. She lives with her parents and sister in Benton, Arkansas, and is now receiving home hospice care after battling cancer for five years. This picture was taken in her senior year of high school, just before she was diagnosed for the first time.

Her testimony is amazing, and is so very similar to Hannah's. As a matter of fact, if she and Hannah had ever met, I'm sure they would have been fast friends. Their gentle natures are a great deal alike, they shared a life-long desire to go to Ouachita Baptist University (Lauren did attend there between cancer battles), and they each have an outgoing younger sister who adores them. But the thing that really binds them together is their desire to serve God and to bring Him glory through some incredibly difficult storms.

With her permission, I'd like to share with you an excerpt from an email update Lauren's mom , Lisa, recently sent out...

"I would like to share something that Lauren has felt and believed through this struggle over the last 5 years. Most of you know Lauren has always kept a journal of her daily thought. She showed us her journal about a year after she was diagnosed with cancer. She had written in it that she had been praying for God to give her testimony, because she felt she did not have one to share. Lauren felt that by growing up in a Christian Home and attending a Christian School that she just really did not have something to share with the lost. Boy, did she get one! She told Lance and me that one thing she wanted to see out of this experience with cancer, would be for lives to be changed and people to come and know the Lord. There are many family and friends that Lauren had told us she was concerned about their salvation and praying for them. Now, for the ones of you that do not know the Lord as your personal Savior, please do not think there is not a God in all of this who does not care. God has never left her or our side. The Bible says the just and unjust will all suffer. That means none of us are immune from suffering. Being a Christian does not mean you will not suffer or you will stop sinning....I am just a sinner saved by God’s wonderful grace. Salvation gives you eternal life with Christ Jesus. You see, Lauren wanted a testimony that she could share with the lost and lead them to the Lord. She wanted to see souls saved. I am not telling you anything she not has not told Lance, Paul, Leah, Heather, friends, or church groups. With Lauren not being in her right mind and able to share this, I want to share her message that she has shared with us. What ever happens in Lauren’s life, God had a reason. He in control! This is one of the hardest updates I have written. We want to share Lauren’s testimony and her story, of what she wants told to all. Please feel free to share with others. This is Lauren’s wish and what she would want to share with everyone hearing her story."

Why does God allow beautiful, intelligent, Christian young women get cancer? I don't have an answer for that on this side of Heaven. But I take comfort in knowing that He doesn't let their suffering go to waste...that He uses it for His glory, and that there are souls saved because of it. It's one of those awesome mysteries of God.

I am grateful that I can have a small part in sharing Lauren's story. Countless lives have already been touched by her testimony, and I pray that many more will find eternal life after hearing of her mighty faith and the faith of her family. She is truly a hero, and an example to us all. Please keep Lauren, her mom and dad (Lance & Lisa), her sister (Leah), and her fiance' (Paul) in your prayers.

Revelation 21:1 says, "He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new.'" How I look forward to that day!!

An Eeyore Kind of Day

Do you remember the Winnie the Pooh books? Or maybe the animated Disney version of the stories? I loved those books when I was a kid...still do, actually! And the Winnie the Pooh character I've always most strongly identified with is Eeyore. I'm married to a Pooh (Brad's gonna love that when he reads this), I'm the mother of a Tigger (Bethany), and a Kanga (Hannah)...but I'm an Eeyore. I don't really want to be an Eeyore...I mean, who wants to be a gloomy donkey whose tail always falls off and has to be tacked back on...but hey, it is what it is.

Today I'm feeling particularly Eeyore-ish. I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day...I've always thought it was a conspiracy between the flower, candy, and card making industries to get otherwise sensible people to shell out tons of money for their products in an effort to prove their true love to someone. See, I told you I'm an Eeyore. But even with that in mind, I've always enjoyed the holiday. Nowadays, it just makes me melancholy.

You see, it was three years ago on Valentine's Day that my oldest daughter woke up with a headache. And two years ago, after brain surgery and a year of intensive radiation and chemotherapy, my beautiful, brilliant daughter was bald, nearly blind, and no longer able to walk on her own. And her mind was as simple as a little old lady with advanced Alzheimer's...repeatedly thanking her Dad for the Valentine's roses he had gotten her that day, because she couldn't remember that she had just seen them and thanked him for them thirty minutes earlier. It was just two days later that she left our earthly home for the last time, and ten days after that when she entered her Heavenly home.

Three years since this all began? It doesn't even seem possible.

But here's the thing...God has taken this Eeyore heart and kept it beating through all the ups and downs of the last three years. And every time my tail has fallen off (and believe me, it has!), He has patiently tacked it back on. And He's given me some things that Eeyore never had...the JOY and HOPE that's only available through Him. And for that, even on this melancholy Valentine's Day, I am grateful.

Ten on the Tenth

Wow! It's hard to believe it's already the tenth of the month again. Time seems to be flying by this winter. Maybe it's because we've been snowed in so many times this past month. We missed a full week of school in January, we missed last Friday, and we've been out again yesterday, today, and will probably be out again tomorrow. We have no snow days built into our school calendar, so these days will all be added on to the end of the school year. Bethany will be going to school on her birthday (June 7th) for the first time in her life!

But back to "Ten on the Tenth". I've mulled over several "list" possibilities, and have finally decided on something. In my lifetime, I've lived in twenty-two different houses/dorms/trailers/apartments. Hmmm...even as I type that, it's hard to believe that's actually true. But I sat down this morning, made a list, and actually counted them up. Wow! It makes me tired just thinking about it! Fifteen of those residences have been since Brad and I got married in 1987. In this post that I wrote last March, I went into some detail about those different homes. But today, in "Ten on the Tenth", I decided to make a list of the first ten places I've lived. It's quite possible that this list may not be of interest to anyone but me, so if you find yourself dozing off halfway through it, don't feel bad!

1. I spent the first three years of my life in a home in Crete, Illinois. Since I was only three years old when we moved from there, I would have no memory of that home, except for the fact that my grandparents bought it from us. So, all my early memories of visiting my grandparents are at that house. It was a nice house with a huge yard (although it's probably not as big as I remember it), and I have great memories of many happy, noisy, Persenaire family Christmases spent there.

2. When I was three, we moved to Minocqua, a town in northern Wisconsin. We bought a house there that was on the shores of beautiful, crystal-clear Blue Lake. We spent a lot of time swimming, boating, and playing with our pet ducks. Yes, I said pet ducks. My brother ordered an incubator out of the back of a comic book and tried to hatch some quail eggs in it. The quail eggs were duds, so my dad got us some duck eggs. We kept them for a few weeks in that little yellow incubator, and one day they finally hatched. They were mallard ducks, a hen and a drake, and we named them Waddles and Nickels. Nickels was my duck...don't ask me where that name came from...and Waddles belonged to my brother. Those little ducks thought we were their parents, and followed us everywhere...even waiting for the school bus with us in the morning. The funniest thing was the friendship between those two little ducks and our dog Maggie, a Weimeraner/Labrador mix, who treated them as if they were her own puppies. Once their flying feathers grew in, I guess they figured out there was more to life than hanging out with two kids and a dog, and they took off.

3. When I was about 8 years old, we moved to Phillips, another town in northern Wisconsin. Well, actually we moved to a house that was eleven miles from Phillips, which at a population of 1,500 people was the biggest city in the county. This house was also on a lake, but a completely different kind of lake than Blue Lake. Musser Lake was a brown, muddy, lily-paddy, leach-infested body of water. That didn't keep me from swimming in it, although I actually spent more time canoeing in it than anything else. It was a great lake for turtle-catching, and I could spend hours paddling around in our canoe all by myself, scooping up turtles in a fishing net. Back then, summer seemed to last forever.

4. When I was 12, my parents made two big announcements. One was that our family would be moving to Mountain Home, Arkansas, and the other, far more shocking announcement, was that we were going to be getting a little brother or sister. I was indescribably ecstatic about the latter news, but not so excited about the former. We sold our house on Musser Lake and moved into a rent house for a few months while we were waiting to move to Arkansas. This rent house was an old, two-story farmhouse. I thought it was cool because my bedroom was upstairs. It was while we were living in this house that my baby brother was born in the middle of an April blizzard. What great memories I have of my parents bringing him home from the hospital...I don't think there could have been a more loving and attentive big sister!

5. Like I said, I was not too excited about moving from Wisconsin to Arkansas. I was in seventh grade, I had a "boyfriend", and my parents pretty much dragged me kicking and screaming to Arkansas. I vowed that I would move back to Wisconsin as soon as I was old enough to live on my own. Well, you can see how that worked out. We moved into a pretty house that was in a secluded part of a subdivision. Growing up in the rural north woods like I had, I didn't even know what a subdivision was until then! I soon discovered that if I walked about a half mile through the woods behind my house, I could reach the house of Susan, a girl my age who had a HORSE! She quickly became my best friend and we had all kinds of adventures together...I don't think there were too many nights that went by during the summertime that we weren't spending the night at either my house or hers. We trampled quite a path between our houses.

6. After a couple of years in that house, my parents decided to buy a mobile home park. It was in Mountain Home, but it required us to move so that we could live on the premises. So, we sold our house and moved across town. Owning a trailer park was an interesting experience...we certainly met all kinds of people during those years. This was the house we lived in during my high school years. Lots of good memories here, too...mostly of playing with my little brother, who was a preschooler by this time.

7. After high school, I moved into the dorms at Ouachita Baptist University. I actually lived in two different dorms during my years there, (Flippen-Perrin & Frances Crawford), but I'm just counting them as one residence. I LOVED my years in the dorm. I had some fantastic roommates and suitemates, established life-long friendships, and made some great memories. It was while I was a resident of Frances Crawford West that I fell in love with a boy from El Dorado.

8. That boy from El Dorado and I got married the summer before my senior year and his junior year, and since OBU doesn't have married student housing, we moved into Powder Mill...a government-subsidized apartment complex in Arkadelphia. Our two bedroom apartment was tiny, really tiny, but we loved it. We were young, poor, in love, and just happy to be together. We pretty much lived on deer meat and macaroni and cheese. But we had our own washer and dryer...No more Sunday afternoon trips to the laundromat! Ahhhhh...Good times!

9. After I graduated from OBU with my degree in speech pathology, I got a job working for the Murfreesboro and Amity school districts. Since we now had some actual income, our government-subsidized apartment was no longer an option, so we moved into another apartment in Arkadelphia. This one was a little bigger, and even had a fireplace. And the most exciting part...this apartment complex allowed pets. So, we got our first dog, a black cocker spaniel that we named Mindy. We really thought we were grown up then...a real apartment, a real job, and a real pet. Our next step....graduate school.

10. We briefly took on a house-sitting job in Mountain Home before heading to graduate school at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville that fall. We lived in a trailer in a beautiful setting out in the country. Our primary responsibility that summer (besides our jobs and saving money for grad school) was taking care of Dusty, the trailer-owner's obese chocolate lab. Dusty required a daily drive in the car and a constant temperature of 68 degrees in the trailer. Those were good days...life was easy...no studying or paper-writing, no commitments, no responsibility for anyone but ourselves and, of course, Dusty.

I hope this tour of the first half of my life hasn't been too boring for you. Personally, I have thoroughly enjoyed this trip down memory lane. Thank you for indulging me as I've reminisced. It's been so nice to think back to those times when life was simple, and I had never even thought about the difficult questions of life. I'm so thankful for my happy Christian upbringing...that undergirding is what has enabled me to get through the last three years with my faith intact!

Hannah's Bucket List

Remember the movie "The Bucket List"? It was made in 2007, and Brad and I went to see it on a very rare date back when it was in theaters. Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson play a couple of mismatched strangers, who are diagnosed with terminal cancer and end up sharing a room in the hospital. Together, they come up with a list of things they want to do before they die, and escape from the cancer ward to fulfill their mission. I wanted to see this movie because I found the concept intriguing. Of course, when we went to see it, we had no earthly idea that our oldest daughter would be diagnosed with a terminal illness just about a year later.

The other day, I caught the end of "The Bucket List" on TV, and it got me to thinking. If Hannah had made a bucket list, what would have been on it? We never discussed anything like that with her, because we really never discussed the possibility that she might die from her cancer. Not that she didn't know...she was sitting right there when the doctor told the four of us that she had less than a 5% chance of survival...but after that day, we really never talked about it. After all, we knew that God could still heal her, if He chose to do so.

We did meet with the Make-A-Wish people, and she was approved to have a wish fulfilled. So we spent some time discussing what her wish would be...and she was torn between a Caribbean beach vacation, or an RV trip to Yellowstone. We had taken a family vacation to Yellowstone the summer before she got sick, and the girls had absolutely loved it there. And she and Bethany had always thought traveling in an RV would be the funnest thing ever. But...she was adamant that she did not want to do either of these things until she was done with her treatments. She did not want to go to the beach without hair, and she did not want to travel across the country feeling sick. So, we told the Make-A-Wish people that we wanted to wait. She never completed her treatments, so we never contacted the Make-A-Wish folks again.

But as I thought about what Hannah might have put on a "bucket list", I couldn't come up with a thing. She was not the adventuresome sort, so skydiving would definitely have been out of the question. She had no burning desire to see the Egyptian pyramids or climb Mount Everest. She was never one to seek attention, so I don't think she would have wanted to be on stage doing anything. Money was not important to her...to this day, there is still a couple hundred dollars of hers sitting in a little woven container that her aunt and uncle sent her from Indonesia...so I don't think she would have sought riches.

After all my thinking, I could only come up with two things that Hannah might have included on her "bucket list", and those would have been to spend as much time as possible with her family, and to bring God glory through her storm. And I get a great deal of satisfaction and comfort from knowing that both of those items could be crossed off the list as fulfilled. One of her favorite things to do was spend time with her extended family...grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And pretty much from the moment of her initial diagnosis up until the very end, she was surrounded by those she loved. And as for bringing God glory, we still see the evidence of that pretty much on a daily basis. Just watch the video from my preceding post, which captures some of the ripples which are still being felt from her storm.

Thank you, Lord, for a fulfilled "bucket list"!

Take a Look at What's Happening in the HSBC Youth Group...

Our "JOY Wall"

Bethany and I had some time at home this past week (in the middle of basketball season, no less) and we used it to finally put up our "JOY Wall" in Hannah's room. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know I've been collecting JOY items for a few months now. I've been looking for some big letters to put up in the middle of the wall, which I finally found at Hobby Lobby last week. We put those up first, and then starting hanging all the other "Joy" stuff around them. My intention was to save the overtly Christmas-themed items in a box to hang on our tree next Christmas, but Bethany really wanted to put everything up....so that's what we did. The wall is going to look a little bare when we take some of these things down to hang on our Christmas tree in December, but hey, that's okay! It actually looks a little like "JOY" exploded all over the wall, but I love it. Many of these items were gifts from precious friends and family, and each one makes me smile. It will be so much fun to add to our collection, and eventually fill up the whole wall!

There are a couple of reasons why we chose "JOY" as the theme of this room. Probably the most obvious is because Joy was Hannah's middle name. But that's not the main reason. The biggest reason we want to cover her walls with JOY is to remind us of a couple of things. One, that the JOY of the Lord is our strength, even when we are feeling our weakest. And two, that Hannah is right now experiencing indescribable JOY, a JOY that we will share with her someday.

Now, is JOY my overwhelming emotion as I walk into my oldest daughter's empty bedroom every day?

Um, no.

Believe me, there are a lot of days when I feel kind of like this...

Don't you just love that picture? It's actually a Christmas card that a sweet friend sent me. As soon as I saw it, I said, "That's me!" Look into that cat's eyes...It's like he's saying, "Yeah, I've got joy...but I just dare you to make me be happy about it!" Yes, I have a deep-down joy that's always with me because of what Christ did for me on the cross, but do I always FEEL joyful? No.

Sometimes I've wondered as I've looked around at my JOY stuff...

Am I just faking it? Am I being a hypocrite to surround myself with JOY when sometimes I'm just really not feelin' it?

And then I read this on someone's blog the other day....from the book "Kingdom of Love" by Hannah Hurnard.

"What about praising even when the disappointment feels very real? Does that mean we're faking it and fooling ourselves?

No. It means we're being obedient.

It is never hypocrisy to act as we earnestly desire to feel, even though the feeling may be very contrary at the time. Feelings follow action."

So, even though I sometimes feel like a surly feline crammed into a ill-fitting stocking, I will continue to choose JOY!

Disciple Now 2011

This past weekend, our church was involved in a youth retreat called Disciple Now. Students stay in host homes, and a special speaker is brought in who leads worship and teaching services throughout the weekend. If you've followed our story from the very beginning, you may remember that it was at a D-Now event that Hannah heard a speaker talk about how God uses storms in our lives to bring us closer to Him, and to allow others to see His glory through our storms. It was at that event that Hannah prayed that God would bring a storm into her life so that she could bring Him glory. A few months later, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Now, I don't believe that God inflicted cancer upon her simply because she prayed that prayer...but I do believe that He was preparing her heart for the storm that was already on its way.

Bethany was a part of the D-Now event this past weekend, along with about 300 other students from four or five other churches in our area. Over the course of the weekend, there were 22 salvations, and 14 rededications. Awesome, huh? The event culminated in the worship service at our church on Sunday morning, with about 100 students representing our church filling the choir loft and stage area to overflowing. As I sat down in the pew and looked at all those kids, I thought to myself...."Uh oh, this could be an emotional service." You know how you have those conversations with yourself. (Or maybe it's just me.) So I told myself, "No...this doesn't have to be an emotional service. Hannah wouldn't have been a part of D-Now this year. She wouldn't have been up there in that group. She would have been too old for D-Now." And so I squared my shoulders, settled into my seat, and I was okay for a few minutes. But then I caught sight of someone up there on the stage...sitting so far back behind all the kids that I could barely see her...Hannah's best friend, Brittany, who is now a student at Ouachita Baptist University. She and Hannah had always planned to be roommates at OBU...now Brittany is there, and Hannah is not. Brittany was involved with D-Now as a student leader; kind of like a "camp counselor" for the weekend. And it hit me out of the blue (I really don't know why I didn't think of it earlier in the weekend)...Yes, Hannah would have been up there! She would have been up there as a student leader, sitting next to Brittany! She would have really enjoyed leading those younger kids in devotionals and discussions. She would have been so good at that. The tears began to flow as the youth band started to play, and I felt her absence so deeply.

As some of the students began to share their testimonies of how God had worked in their lives that weekend, the tears continued to flow...but the reason for them changed. Two of the girls who spoke were friends of Hannah's, just a year younger than her, and I know their lives had been profoundly impacted by her life and death two years ago. And as I looked around that crowded platform, I thought about how many more of those kids had been influenced spiritually by Hannah's storm. And I wondered...Was God more glorified in this past D-Now weekend by Hannah's absence than He would have been by her presence? I believe He was.

Snow is anticipated for tomorrow...See my last post for the significance of that!

Snow Daze...

I grew up in northern Wisconsin, where snow on the ground in winter was just as much a part of life as grass on the ground in summer. We usually got our first snow around Halloween, and if we were lucky, we might see the ground again by Easter. We did lots of fun winter time activities...ice skating in gym class, playing broom hockey, jumping from the roof into the snow piles after Dad shoveled it off, building snow forts, and of course, sledding. But we never, EVER missed school because of snow.

This past Sunday afternoon, about six inches of snow fell in our part of Arkansas. And we were out of school for the entire week. Along with the unsual snowfall came some exceptionally cold temperatures, so the tiny bit of melting that took place each day froze over each night and made driving even more hazardous in the morning. Here in Arkansas, we don't have much slow-clearing equipment, so once the roads get covered, we're pretty much stuck until the temperatures get above freezing and stay there. We also don't have much in the way of sledding equipment...so the kids have to get a little creative.

Looks like fun, doesn't it? And it was made even more fun by the fact that the sledders had to bail off at the bottom of the hill, just before their "sled" ran into the trees. Ahhh, the joys of sledding redneck style!

For me, the anticipation of snow is just as much fun as the snow itself. Around here, if there is even the remotest possibility of snow in the forecast, the weathermen start talking about it a week ahead of time. And for the next several days, that's the topic of everybody's conversation. Is it really going to snow? In what part of the state? As the target date gets closer, and the forecast becomes a little more refined, the questions continue. How much snow are we going to get? Will there be any sleet? The day before the snow is expected, everybody goes to the grocery store and empties the shelves of milk and bread. Will school be canceled? How long are we going to be snowed in? The weather forecasters are still hedging at this point...We could get a dusting; we could get six inches; it all depends on how far north the low pressure system goes and if the cold air arrives on time; yada, yada, yada. Finally the big day arrives and everyone's got an opinion about what's going to happen. It's going to go north of us; It's going to go south of us; We're not going to get any; This is going to be a big storm. And everybody keeps looking out the window all day long. And finally the long-awaited flakes start to fall. The kids scream for joy and declare that they're not going to do their homework because they know there'll be no school the next day, and moms start cooking all that good comfort food that goes so well with cold weather. Anticipation fulfilled.

As I was anticipating the snow all last week, I couldn't help but think about my anticipation of Heaven. As excited as I was thinking about the possibility of snow, that excitement doesn't compare, not even the tiniest bit, to the excitement I feel when I think about Heaven. And while I've often been disappointed when my snowfall expectations have not been fulfilled, I know that my anticipation of Heaven will never disappoint.

Plans for the "While We're Waiting" Weekend retreat for bereaved parents are still coming together. We had a great organizational team meeting last week (before we got snowed in!). If you've considered coming, but were maybe a little uncomfortable with the separate sleeping facilities for husbands and wives, we have made arrangements for reduced rates at the Comfort Inn ($55/night + tax) and the Holiday Inn Express ($77/night + tax) in Malvern. These hotels are both brand new and are just about ten minutes away from Family Farm, where the retreat will be held. One of the things we'll be talking about at this retreat is the anticipation of Heaven and how we are going to live while we're waiting to be reunited with our children there. As a bereaved parent, I'd really rather spend my time talking about that than whether or not it's going to snow!

"For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." (Romans 8:22-25 NKJV)

Ten on the Tenth

It's time for Ten on the Tenth! This month, I thought I'd share my ten favorite things in Hannah's room. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know that we changed her room into a prayer room/office a few months back.

1. Here's one of my favorite purchases...This could very well be the most comfortable chair in the world!

2. Hannah's academic awards...Still on the wall just like we hung them up as she received them. The two biggest ones in the middle are for freshman student of the year and sophomore student of the year, chosen by the teachers. Those were the ones she was most proud of. Bethany always teased her and said they looked like they were hung on the wall in the shape of a robot.

I think she's right...

3. We are using the word "JOY" as a theme for this room. Just today, a dear friend of mine passed this along to me (she saw it on Facebook, of course): "Joy is the result of faithful, trusting acceptance of God's will, even when it seems not joyous." I can not think of a better way to express our experience over the last few years. The beads you see on the shelf in front of the word JOY are Hannah's "Beads of Courage." She received a different colored bead for each part of her cancer journey...white beads are chemo treatments, blue beads are clinic visits, brown beads are for hair loss, glow-in-the-dark beads are for radiation treatments, yellow beads are hospital stays, etc. It's a really neat reminder of the courage she demonstrated during her year of battling cancer.

4. I love this picture. Hannah was a huge American Idol fan, and Ace Young was a contestant who made the top ten several years ago. We met him at a concert, and Hannah had her picture taken with him. We had an extra copy of the picture made and gave it to her Sunday School teacher, who was also an AI fan. Hannah's Sunday School teacher attended a concert a few weeks later, met Ace, and had him autograph the picture we had given her. She surprised Hannah with it a few days later. I just love the expression on Hannah's face in this picture. The mixture of awe and excitement is just really precious. Ace was a really nice guy and spent a lot of time with us that day.

5. My sweet cousin had this made for us. It's just so pretty, and I love it. I have it pinned up on the wall.

6. OK, so this isn't technically IN Hannah's room, but this is my view as I sit at my desk and blog. Of course, it's not usually white like this, but we've had a very rare six inches of snowfall this week. School was out today, and has already been canceled for tomorrow. At this point, Wednesday is looking questionable at best. But back to the view...my favorite part of this view is the bird feeder and the birds who are always feeding there. Hannah's room was so dark and lifeless for so long, I love seeing life out the window like this.

7. Hannah painted this picture when she was at Grandma & Grandpa Camp in the summer of 2008. She had already been diagnosed with cancer, and had just completed her first round of radiation treaments. I just love it because she painted it.

8. This is a self-portrait that Hannah did when she was in third grade. I love everything about it, but she didn't like it at all. She never wanted me to hang it anywhere where anyone could see it. It's hanging in her room now, and I bet she doesn't mind anymore!

9. I LOVE this. Brad and Bethany got it for me for my birthday a few weeks ago. It's not actually IN Hannah's room either...It's hanging over the door as you enter. Just in case you can't read the verse, it says, "And this child grew and became strong; she was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon her." The last part of that is so true. I've seen enough children with cancer now to believe that God truly does bestow a special grace upon them. I know that the peace Hannah had could only have come from Him.

10. This is my favorite thing in Hannah's room. She returned to school for just a few days in December of 2008, following her second round of radiation treatments. She was always a doodler, and we found this in one of her notebooks that she was using during that time. I have it pinned to the wall right next to that window I sit in front of every day. It's as close as I can get to a daily hug from her.

So, there you have it...Ten on the Tenth for another month! Hmmmm....Wonder what my topic will be next month?

Announcing the "While We're Waiting" Weekend!

In my post on November 7th, I mentioned that there was a venture in the works that we were really excited about. I didn't want to go into detail at that point, because things had yet to "gel" completely. Well, it's finally time to share the details. First, some background...

This past Labor Day weekend, Brad and I attended a retreat in Nashville, Tennessee, for bereaved parents. You can read more about it here, if you'd like. It was an amazing experience, and one we've often talked about duplicating here in Arkansas. Well, God has worked in an amazing way to put us together with two other bereaved couples who have the same passion. The "While We're Waiting" Weekend is the result of that God-given desire.

The “While We’re Waiting” Weekend is a retreat designed specifically for couples who have faced the death of a child. It is meant to be an opportunity for couples to spend some relaxed, unhurried time with other couples who understand the devastation of losing a child, to learn from each other, encourage each other, and to discover that we are not alone. Though we will certainly shed some tears together, our intention is not to spend an entire weekend rehearsing our pain. We hope to laugh together as well as cry together, and gain perspective together. We'll deal with many practical aspects of losing a child and not solely the emotion of it. Our goal is to facilitate times together that are positive, helpful, and healing; and to discuss how we can face the time "while we're waiting" to be reunited with our children with joy and hope.

What will we do at this retreat? We’ll share our stories with each other and pray for each other. We’ll enjoy the beauty of nature, and sit in rockers on the porch sipping coffee. We’ll have large group time, couple time, and time for the men and women to share separately. Our time together will be relaxed and informal, but structured.

What will we talk about? Here are a few of the topics:

• Seeing how our faith in God can help us survive the devastation of our loss

• Understanding how husbands and wives can help each other through the grief process, even though we may grieve differently

• Dealing with the hurt caused by strained friendships and family relationships

• Allowing grief to release its grip on us

• Finding meaning and purpose in our loss, and joy in spite of our loss

• Determining how we’re going to live while we’re waiting to be reunited with our child in Heaven

The "While We're Waiting" Weekend will be April 1-3, 2011, and it will be held in the brand new lodge at Family Farm in Glen Rose, Arkansas, about 45 minutes southwest of Little Rock. Brad and I will be the primary facilitators. We are not professional grief counselors or marriage counselors, just parents who have experienced the devastating grief of losing a child. We have found that sharing these experiences with other bereaved, but believing, parents has been a valuable part of our healing process.


The cost per couple will be $150, which will include Friday and Saturday night lodging at Family Farm, as well as meals and snacks from Friday night dinner through Sunday breakfast. Registration is limited to the first nine couples who submit a $50 non-refundable deposit with a registration application. If you think you'd like to come, or you know someone who might be interested, just send me an email at thesullivan4@gmail.com, and I'll send you some additional information and the registration application. Some spots are already filled, so please let us know soon if you would like to attend. Lord willing, this will become a semi-annual event, taking place in the fall and spring of each year.

We are really excited about how God is working in this event, and how He is already bringing a phenomenal group of couples together to participate. We are intentionally keeping the group small (a total of 12 couples) in order to encourage intimacy and the building of life-long friendships. I know that one of the best things about the retreat we attended was the feeling of "safety" as we shared quality time with other couples who "got" us. What an encouragement that was! That is what we hope to provide through the "While We're Waiting" Weekend.

This verse pretty much sums it up...“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.” Titus 2:11-13 (NIV)

Still "Christmas-Ing"

The calendar may say that Christmas is over...but not for the Sullivans! We've actually been celebrating Christmas for nearly two weeks now. We had our Persenaire family gathering in Mountain Home the weekend before Christmas, enjoyed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with just our little family at home, and will be heading to Van Buren to celebrate with the Sullivans this weekend. We're going to be ready to go back to work and school Monday, just to get a break from all this merry-making! (Not really.)

Emotionally, this Christmas has been far better than last year. We've enjoyed reminiscing and talking about good memories of our Christmases with Hannah. Back in early December, I mentioned in one of my posts that we were going to start collecting JOY items to place on our Christmas tree and also to put in Hannah's room. Oh. My. Word! Since that post, I have received so many fun and JOY-filled surprises from some very sweet friends. I certainly wasn't expecting that! And I can't tell you what an encouragement that has been to me over these last couple of weeks. And as I carefully put them all away this week, I actually felt a sense of excitement and anticipation about getting them out (and adding to the collection) next Christmas. I haven't been excited about Christmas for the past three years...so that's a big deal! What a great reminder of the JOY that only Jesus can bring!

There's something else I'm looking forward to this weekend. Last year, after we finished opening all the presents with the Sullivan side of the family and things had quieted down a bit, we asked each one of our extended family members to do something special for someone in 2010 in Hannah's memory. We requested that they write it down in a card, put it in an envelope, and put it under the Christmas tree this year. So on Saturday night, after all the presents have been opened and the chaos is over, we'll open all of those cards and read what everybody did in memory of Hannah. In a way, these will be like their gifts to Hannah...although they will actually be gifts to God. And how sweet is that?