1,000 Things

This is one of my very favorite pictures of Hannah. It was taken at my in-law's house in El Dorado one Easter. I just love the sweetness of it...the simple joy of blowing bubbles in the sunshine on a beautiful spring day.

Today marked two years since Hannah stepped into the arms of Jesus. Two years that feel like two hundred. Could it possibly be only two years since I last held her in my arms?

How does one commemorate the two year anniversary of the most difficult day of your life? Over the last couple of years, we've come up with some new Christmas traditions and birthday traditions that have given us a measure of comfort...but somehow, we've not been able to establish any "death anniversary" traditions.

We did have a really neat diversion today, though. A month or two ago, I mentioned in a post that a Magnet Cove High School student was making a documentary about Hannah as part of a class project. She came out to our house, set up cameras from three different angles, and interviewed us...asking some really emotion-provoking questions. We provided her with an assortment of pictures and home videos for her to include as she chose. At the time, I thought she was just doing it for her multi-media class...I didn't realize that this documentary was going to be a part of the Tri-Lakes Youth Film Festival, and shown at the Ritz Theater in Malvern. And wouldn't you know it...that film festival was scheduled for this weekend, and that movie was shown at 3:00 today. (It will also be shown at 2:30 tomorrow.) Of course, we went to see it, and it was wonderful. I was thankful that the theater was dark, and there were several other videos by Magnet Cove students that we sat through before they turned the lights back on, so I had time to pull myself together. I was glad we had the opportunity to do that today.

Something else that helped get us through this day was the outpouring of love and support we've received over the last few days in the form of cards, emails, and Facebook postings. I've been overwhelmed by the number of people who have reached out to us in love...And it's made a difference. It truly does lighten the burden when there are so many people to share it with you. The three of us thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your support.

So what does the title "1,000 Things" have to do with this post? Well, you know how I've shared with you many times that "Joy" has become our theme over the past year or so? Even to the point that we've created a Joy Wall in Hannah's room? And how sometimes I have to admit that I'm just not really feelin' that joy?

A couple of weeks ago, I was scrolling down my news feed on Facebook and something caught my eye. A friend had posted a link to an article entitled, "How to Find the Holy Grail of Joy." Of course, I had to click on it. The link took me to the article, which was written by Ann Voskamp and published on the Huffington Post. Here are some excerpts:


"I think the fall in Eden was ultimately a failure to give thanks. It's strange how we'd rather live tripping and stumbling than murmur that one word. Augustine claimed that 'without exception...all try their hardest to reach the same goal, that is, joy.' The wild crusade of my life has been just this--this straining after elusive joy while the virus of bitterness, of ungratefulness, keeps destroying.

I wasn't feeling particularly in need of a cure when I took up a friend's silly dare to write down a thousand things that made me happy. I knew she was just goading me, a way to prove that I had plenty of things to enjoy. So I grabbed a notebook. And began scribbling down whatever made me smile. Morning shadows across old floors. Jam piled high on toast. The cry of a blue jay high in the spruce.

It didn't seem I was fixing anything in the beginning. But each day I kept at it. It was easy and it made me happy, so I kept going.

Every day I'd number another five, another ten, and the game became a hunt to see if I could find a bit of God's glory in my days. Washing dishes, at the stove stirring soup, I'd see the afternoon light spark on the rim of a pot and it'd spark me. I'd wipe my hands on my apron and reach for the pen. Although the world is ugly, it is beautiful.

I was waking up. Something in me started to stir. I realized how numbed and jaded I'd become. And I couldn't stop scratching it down -- blessings, graces -- God in the moment. Why hadn't I realized that joy was right in the middle of life, unlocked in the moments? Where did I think it should be? After all, it's only moments that make up a life. And if the riddle of life isn't unlocked in the moments, where is it found? Do not disdain the small. The whole of the life is made up of the minute parts, and if the infinitesimals are missed, the whole is missed too. Maybe I was starting to find what I couldn't miss.

Because what if the holy grail of joy isn't somewhere else but in the small things, in the moments? Maybe the secret was just this: To keep seeking God where we doubt He is.

It's only when we wake to how blessed we are, when we take life as grace and give thanks for it, that we become the bread to be given to a starving world. This is our great weapon in the war."


Hmmmm...When I read that article, I was instantly intrigued. A list of 1,000 things that bring me joy? I could do that. But could I really? 1,000 things is a lot of things...a rather mind-boggling number when you really think about it. I mean, it might take a whole year to make a list of 1,000 things!

And that's when it hit me. Yes, it probably would take a whole year to make a list of 1,000 things that bring me joy. And what if I were to start my list on February 26, 2011, with the goal of finishing it on February 26, 2012? How might that change the way I live this third year of my life without Hannah's physical presence?

And so begins my Joy Odyssey. And as I wrap up this post, I see by the clock in the corner of my computer screen that February 26, 2011, has already ended. But, that's okay, I started my list before the midnight hour. I plan to keep you updated about how the list is coming along, and I'm looking forward to sharing with you some of the joys I discover along the way. And I hope that some of you might decide to join me on this year-long Joy Odyssey, and that you'll share some of your joys with me. For after all, my goal in doing this is not simply to identify what makes me happy (really, how self-centered would that be?), but instead to keep me focused on the ultimate Joy-Giver, and to yield to Him the gratitude that He so richly deserves.

Oh, those first few items on my list?

1,000 Things That Bring Me Joy

1. The knowledge that I will be reunited with Hannah in Heaven some day.
2. The love and concern of family and friends that was shown so freely to our family today.
3. The warmth of Bethany's hugs.

More to come...!

"While We're Waiting" Weekend Update

If you've been following this blog for awhile, you know about the "While We're Waiting" Weekend retreat we are planning for bereaved parents in April. Our leadership team met on Tuesday night of this week, and there's been a very exciting development.

A corporate sponsor has stepped forward and offered to underwrite the cost of all of the meals for the retreat! This will enable us to reduce the cost of the retreat significantly...from $150 to just $50 for the entire weekend! We are excited that this will make the retreat more accessible to anyone who would like to attend. We are still wanting to keep the total number of our group relatively small (no more than twelve couples in all), in order to promote deep conversations and the development of rich friendships.

If you've ever lost a child, you know how quickly a bond forms between you and another bereaved parent. It's almost as if you've known each other all your lives. Brad and I had the privilege of attending a Valentine banquet at Third Baptist Church in Malvern a couple of weeks ago, where Brad shared our testimony. After he sat down, an older couple at our table (whom we had been sitting with all evening), leaned over and whispered to us that they had lost a child, too. I couldn't wait for the banquet to end so we could share stories. Would you believe that they had lost a 17-year-old daughter to cancer? I'm not sure how old they were, but I'm guessing that loss had occurred at least 50 or 60 years ago. But you know, we were immediately drawn to each other in a way that is hard to describe. Even though we were literally decades apart in age, we "got" each other. And I believe that both of us couples left that night encouraged...knowing that God brought us together, even if only for an evening, to gain strength from each other.

And that's what the "While We're Waiting" Weekend is all about...An opportunity for people who share a common grief and an uncommon Savior to spend some quality time together, sharing our hurts and our joys in a safe environment, where we all "get" each other. We will cry together and laugh together, learn from each other, gain strength from each other, and encourage each other. And most of all, we will focus on how we can move through our grief and focus on how we can become what God wants us to be "while we're waiting" to be reunited with our children in Heaven.

We still have a few spots open for this April's "While We're Waiting" Weekend. If you're interested in attending, or you know someone who might be interested, click the "While We're Waiting Weekend Retreat" tab at the top of this page for more information. Or, send me an email at thesullivan4@gmail.com, and I'll email you the information directly. We'd love to see you there!

A Hero of the Faith

This beautiful young lady is Lauren Crook. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you've read about her before. She lives with her parents and sister in Benton, Arkansas, and is now receiving home hospice care after battling cancer for five years. This picture was taken in her senior year of high school, just before she was diagnosed for the first time.

Her testimony is amazing, and is so very similar to Hannah's. As a matter of fact, if she and Hannah had ever met, I'm sure they would have been fast friends. Their gentle natures are a great deal alike, they shared a life-long desire to go to Ouachita Baptist University (Lauren did attend there between cancer battles), and they each have an outgoing younger sister who adores them. But the thing that really binds them together is their desire to serve God and to bring Him glory through some incredibly difficult storms.

With her permission, I'd like to share with you an excerpt from an email update Lauren's mom , Lisa, recently sent out...

"I would like to share something that Lauren has felt and believed through this struggle over the last 5 years. Most of you know Lauren has always kept a journal of her daily thought. She showed us her journal about a year after she was diagnosed with cancer. She had written in it that she had been praying for God to give her testimony, because she felt she did not have one to share. Lauren felt that by growing up in a Christian Home and attending a Christian School that she just really did not have something to share with the lost. Boy, did she get one! She told Lance and me that one thing she wanted to see out of this experience with cancer, would be for lives to be changed and people to come and know the Lord. There are many family and friends that Lauren had told us she was concerned about their salvation and praying for them. Now, for the ones of you that do not know the Lord as your personal Savior, please do not think there is not a God in all of this who does not care. God has never left her or our side. The Bible says the just and unjust will all suffer. That means none of us are immune from suffering. Being a Christian does not mean you will not suffer or you will stop sinning....I am just a sinner saved by God’s wonderful grace. Salvation gives you eternal life with Christ Jesus. You see, Lauren wanted a testimony that she could share with the lost and lead them to the Lord. She wanted to see souls saved. I am not telling you anything she not has not told Lance, Paul, Leah, Heather, friends, or church groups. With Lauren not being in her right mind and able to share this, I want to share her message that she has shared with us. What ever happens in Lauren’s life, God had a reason. He in control! This is one of the hardest updates I have written. We want to share Lauren’s testimony and her story, of what she wants told to all. Please feel free to share with others. This is Lauren’s wish and what she would want to share with everyone hearing her story."

Why does God allow beautiful, intelligent, Christian young women get cancer? I don't have an answer for that on this side of Heaven. But I take comfort in knowing that He doesn't let their suffering go to waste...that He uses it for His glory, and that there are souls saved because of it. It's one of those awesome mysteries of God.

I am grateful that I can have a small part in sharing Lauren's story. Countless lives have already been touched by her testimony, and I pray that many more will find eternal life after hearing of her mighty faith and the faith of her family. She is truly a hero, and an example to us all. Please keep Lauren, her mom and dad (Lance & Lisa), her sister (Leah), and her fiance' (Paul) in your prayers.

Revelation 21:1 says, "He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new.'" How I look forward to that day!!

An Eeyore Kind of Day

Do you remember the Winnie the Pooh books? Or maybe the animated Disney version of the stories? I loved those books when I was a kid...still do, actually! And the Winnie the Pooh character I've always most strongly identified with is Eeyore. I'm married to a Pooh (Brad's gonna love that when he reads this), I'm the mother of a Tigger (Bethany), and a Kanga (Hannah)...but I'm an Eeyore. I don't really want to be an Eeyore...I mean, who wants to be a gloomy donkey whose tail always falls off and has to be tacked back on...but hey, it is what it is.

Today I'm feeling particularly Eeyore-ish. I've never been a big fan of Valentine's Day...I've always thought it was a conspiracy between the flower, candy, and card making industries to get otherwise sensible people to shell out tons of money for their products in an effort to prove their true love to someone. See, I told you I'm an Eeyore. But even with that in mind, I've always enjoyed the holiday. Nowadays, it just makes me melancholy.

You see, it was three years ago on Valentine's Day that my oldest daughter woke up with a headache. And two years ago, after brain surgery and a year of intensive radiation and chemotherapy, my beautiful, brilliant daughter was bald, nearly blind, and no longer able to walk on her own. And her mind was as simple as a little old lady with advanced Alzheimer's...repeatedly thanking her Dad for the Valentine's roses he had gotten her that day, because she couldn't remember that she had just seen them and thanked him for them thirty minutes earlier. It was just two days later that she left our earthly home for the last time, and ten days after that when she entered her Heavenly home.

Three years since this all began? It doesn't even seem possible.

But here's the thing...God has taken this Eeyore heart and kept it beating through all the ups and downs of the last three years. And every time my tail has fallen off (and believe me, it has!), He has patiently tacked it back on. And He's given me some things that Eeyore never had...the JOY and HOPE that's only available through Him. And for that, even on this melancholy Valentine's Day, I am grateful.

Ten on the Tenth

Wow! It's hard to believe it's already the tenth of the month again. Time seems to be flying by this winter. Maybe it's because we've been snowed in so many times this past month. We missed a full week of school in January, we missed last Friday, and we've been out again yesterday, today, and will probably be out again tomorrow. We have no snow days built into our school calendar, so these days will all be added on to the end of the school year. Bethany will be going to school on her birthday (June 7th) for the first time in her life!

But back to "Ten on the Tenth". I've mulled over several "list" possibilities, and have finally decided on something. In my lifetime, I've lived in twenty-two different houses/dorms/trailers/apartments. Hmmm...even as I type that, it's hard to believe that's actually true. But I sat down this morning, made a list, and actually counted them up. Wow! It makes me tired just thinking about it! Fifteen of those residences have been since Brad and I got married in 1987. In this post that I wrote last March, I went into some detail about those different homes. But today, in "Ten on the Tenth", I decided to make a list of the first ten places I've lived. It's quite possible that this list may not be of interest to anyone but me, so if you find yourself dozing off halfway through it, don't feel bad!

1. I spent the first three years of my life in a home in Crete, Illinois. Since I was only three years old when we moved from there, I would have no memory of that home, except for the fact that my grandparents bought it from us. So, all my early memories of visiting my grandparents are at that house. It was a nice house with a huge yard (although it's probably not as big as I remember it), and I have great memories of many happy, noisy, Persenaire family Christmases spent there.

2. When I was three, we moved to Minocqua, a town in northern Wisconsin. We bought a house there that was on the shores of beautiful, crystal-clear Blue Lake. We spent a lot of time swimming, boating, and playing with our pet ducks. Yes, I said pet ducks. My brother ordered an incubator out of the back of a comic book and tried to hatch some quail eggs in it. The quail eggs were duds, so my dad got us some duck eggs. We kept them for a few weeks in that little yellow incubator, and one day they finally hatched. They were mallard ducks, a hen and a drake, and we named them Waddles and Nickels. Nickels was my duck...don't ask me where that name came from...and Waddles belonged to my brother. Those little ducks thought we were their parents, and followed us everywhere...even waiting for the school bus with us in the morning. The funniest thing was the friendship between those two little ducks and our dog Maggie, a Weimeraner/Labrador mix, who treated them as if they were her own puppies. Once their flying feathers grew in, I guess they figured out there was more to life than hanging out with two kids and a dog, and they took off.

3. When I was about 8 years old, we moved to Phillips, another town in northern Wisconsin. Well, actually we moved to a house that was eleven miles from Phillips, which at a population of 1,500 people was the biggest city in the county. This house was also on a lake, but a completely different kind of lake than Blue Lake. Musser Lake was a brown, muddy, lily-paddy, leach-infested body of water. That didn't keep me from swimming in it, although I actually spent more time canoeing in it than anything else. It was a great lake for turtle-catching, and I could spend hours paddling around in our canoe all by myself, scooping up turtles in a fishing net. Back then, summer seemed to last forever.

4. When I was 12, my parents made two big announcements. One was that our family would be moving to Mountain Home, Arkansas, and the other, far more shocking announcement, was that we were going to be getting a little brother or sister. I was indescribably ecstatic about the latter news, but not so excited about the former. We sold our house on Musser Lake and moved into a rent house for a few months while we were waiting to move to Arkansas. This rent house was an old, two-story farmhouse. I thought it was cool because my bedroom was upstairs. It was while we were living in this house that my baby brother was born in the middle of an April blizzard. What great memories I have of my parents bringing him home from the hospital...I don't think there could have been a more loving and attentive big sister!

5. Like I said, I was not too excited about moving from Wisconsin to Arkansas. I was in seventh grade, I had a "boyfriend", and my parents pretty much dragged me kicking and screaming to Arkansas. I vowed that I would move back to Wisconsin as soon as I was old enough to live on my own. Well, you can see how that worked out. We moved into a pretty house that was in a secluded part of a subdivision. Growing up in the rural north woods like I had, I didn't even know what a subdivision was until then! I soon discovered that if I walked about a half mile through the woods behind my house, I could reach the house of Susan, a girl my age who had a HORSE! She quickly became my best friend and we had all kinds of adventures together...I don't think there were too many nights that went by during the summertime that we weren't spending the night at either my house or hers. We trampled quite a path between our houses.

6. After a couple of years in that house, my parents decided to buy a mobile home park. It was in Mountain Home, but it required us to move so that we could live on the premises. So, we sold our house and moved across town. Owning a trailer park was an interesting experience...we certainly met all kinds of people during those years. This was the house we lived in during my high school years. Lots of good memories here, too...mostly of playing with my little brother, who was a preschooler by this time.

7. After high school, I moved into the dorms at Ouachita Baptist University. I actually lived in two different dorms during my years there, (Flippen-Perrin & Frances Crawford), but I'm just counting them as one residence. I LOVED my years in the dorm. I had some fantastic roommates and suitemates, established life-long friendships, and made some great memories. It was while I was a resident of Frances Crawford West that I fell in love with a boy from El Dorado.

8. That boy from El Dorado and I got married the summer before my senior year and his junior year, and since OBU doesn't have married student housing, we moved into Powder Mill...a government-subsidized apartment complex in Arkadelphia. Our two bedroom apartment was tiny, really tiny, but we loved it. We were young, poor, in love, and just happy to be together. We pretty much lived on deer meat and macaroni and cheese. But we had our own washer and dryer...No more Sunday afternoon trips to the laundromat! Ahhhhh...Good times!

9. After I graduated from OBU with my degree in speech pathology, I got a job working for the Murfreesboro and Amity school districts. Since we now had some actual income, our government-subsidized apartment was no longer an option, so we moved into another apartment in Arkadelphia. This one was a little bigger, and even had a fireplace. And the most exciting part...this apartment complex allowed pets. So, we got our first dog, a black cocker spaniel that we named Mindy. We really thought we were grown up then...a real apartment, a real job, and a real pet. Our next step....graduate school.

10. We briefly took on a house-sitting job in Mountain Home before heading to graduate school at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville that fall. We lived in a trailer in a beautiful setting out in the country. Our primary responsibility that summer (besides our jobs and saving money for grad school) was taking care of Dusty, the trailer-owner's obese chocolate lab. Dusty required a daily drive in the car and a constant temperature of 68 degrees in the trailer. Those were good days...life was easy...no studying or paper-writing, no commitments, no responsibility for anyone but ourselves and, of course, Dusty.

I hope this tour of the first half of my life hasn't been too boring for you. Personally, I have thoroughly enjoyed this trip down memory lane. Thank you for indulging me as I've reminisced. It's been so nice to think back to those times when life was simple, and I had never even thought about the difficult questions of life. I'm so thankful for my happy Christian upbringing...that undergirding is what has enabled me to get through the last three years with my faith intact!

Hannah's Bucket List

Remember the movie "The Bucket List"? It was made in 2007, and Brad and I went to see it on a very rare date back when it was in theaters. Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson play a couple of mismatched strangers, who are diagnosed with terminal cancer and end up sharing a room in the hospital. Together, they come up with a list of things they want to do before they die, and escape from the cancer ward to fulfill their mission. I wanted to see this movie because I found the concept intriguing. Of course, when we went to see it, we had no earthly idea that our oldest daughter would be diagnosed with a terminal illness just about a year later.

The other day, I caught the end of "The Bucket List" on TV, and it got me to thinking. If Hannah had made a bucket list, what would have been on it? We never discussed anything like that with her, because we really never discussed the possibility that she might die from her cancer. Not that she didn't know...she was sitting right there when the doctor told the four of us that she had less than a 5% chance of survival...but after that day, we really never talked about it. After all, we knew that God could still heal her, if He chose to do so.

We did meet with the Make-A-Wish people, and she was approved to have a wish fulfilled. So we spent some time discussing what her wish would be...and she was torn between a Caribbean beach vacation, or an RV trip to Yellowstone. We had taken a family vacation to Yellowstone the summer before she got sick, and the girls had absolutely loved it there. And she and Bethany had always thought traveling in an RV would be the funnest thing ever. But...she was adamant that she did not want to do either of these things until she was done with her treatments. She did not want to go to the beach without hair, and she did not want to travel across the country feeling sick. So, we told the Make-A-Wish people that we wanted to wait. She never completed her treatments, so we never contacted the Make-A-Wish folks again.

But as I thought about what Hannah might have put on a "bucket list", I couldn't come up with a thing. She was not the adventuresome sort, so skydiving would definitely have been out of the question. She had no burning desire to see the Egyptian pyramids or climb Mount Everest. She was never one to seek attention, so I don't think she would have wanted to be on stage doing anything. Money was not important to her...to this day, there is still a couple hundred dollars of hers sitting in a little woven container that her aunt and uncle sent her from Indonesia...so I don't think she would have sought riches.

After all my thinking, I could only come up with two things that Hannah might have included on her "bucket list", and those would have been to spend as much time as possible with her family, and to bring God glory through her storm. And I get a great deal of satisfaction and comfort from knowing that both of those items could be crossed off the list as fulfilled. One of her favorite things to do was spend time with her extended family...grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And pretty much from the moment of her initial diagnosis up until the very end, she was surrounded by those she loved. And as for bringing God glory, we still see the evidence of that pretty much on a daily basis. Just watch the video from my preceding post, which captures some of the ripples which are still being felt from her storm.

Thank you, Lord, for a fulfilled "bucket list"!

Take a Look at What's Happening in the HSBC Youth Group...

Our "JOY Wall"

Bethany and I had some time at home this past week (in the middle of basketball season, no less) and we used it to finally put up our "JOY Wall" in Hannah's room. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know I've been collecting JOY items for a few months now. I've been looking for some big letters to put up in the middle of the wall, which I finally found at Hobby Lobby last week. We put those up first, and then starting hanging all the other "Joy" stuff around them. My intention was to save the overtly Christmas-themed items in a box to hang on our tree next Christmas, but Bethany really wanted to put everything up....so that's what we did. The wall is going to look a little bare when we take some of these things down to hang on our Christmas tree in December, but hey, that's okay! It actually looks a little like "JOY" exploded all over the wall, but I love it. Many of these items were gifts from precious friends and family, and each one makes me smile. It will be so much fun to add to our collection, and eventually fill up the whole wall!

There are a couple of reasons why we chose "JOY" as the theme of this room. Probably the most obvious is because Joy was Hannah's middle name. But that's not the main reason. The biggest reason we want to cover her walls with JOY is to remind us of a couple of things. One, that the JOY of the Lord is our strength, even when we are feeling our weakest. And two, that Hannah is right now experiencing indescribable JOY, a JOY that we will share with her someday.

Now, is JOY my overwhelming emotion as I walk into my oldest daughter's empty bedroom every day?

Um, no.

Believe me, there are a lot of days when I feel kind of like this...

Don't you just love that picture? It's actually a Christmas card that a sweet friend sent me. As soon as I saw it, I said, "That's me!" Look into that cat's eyes...It's like he's saying, "Yeah, I've got joy...but I just dare you to make me be happy about it!" Yes, I have a deep-down joy that's always with me because of what Christ did for me on the cross, but do I always FEEL joyful? No.

Sometimes I've wondered as I've looked around at my JOY stuff...

Am I just faking it? Am I being a hypocrite to surround myself with JOY when sometimes I'm just really not feelin' it?

And then I read this on someone's blog the other day....from the book "Kingdom of Love" by Hannah Hurnard.

"What about praising even when the disappointment feels very real? Does that mean we're faking it and fooling ourselves?

No. It means we're being obedient.

It is never hypocrisy to act as we earnestly desire to feel, even though the feeling may be very contrary at the time. Feelings follow action."

So, even though I sometimes feel like a surly feline crammed into a ill-fitting stocking, I will continue to choose JOY!

Disciple Now 2011

This past weekend, our church was involved in a youth retreat called Disciple Now. Students stay in host homes, and a special speaker is brought in who leads worship and teaching services throughout the weekend. If you've followed our story from the very beginning, you may remember that it was at a D-Now event that Hannah heard a speaker talk about how God uses storms in our lives to bring us closer to Him, and to allow others to see His glory through our storms. It was at that event that Hannah prayed that God would bring a storm into her life so that she could bring Him glory. A few months later, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Now, I don't believe that God inflicted cancer upon her simply because she prayed that prayer...but I do believe that He was preparing her heart for the storm that was already on its way.

Bethany was a part of the D-Now event this past weekend, along with about 300 other students from four or five other churches in our area. Over the course of the weekend, there were 22 salvations, and 14 rededications. Awesome, huh? The event culminated in the worship service at our church on Sunday morning, with about 100 students representing our church filling the choir loft and stage area to overflowing. As I sat down in the pew and looked at all those kids, I thought to myself...."Uh oh, this could be an emotional service." You know how you have those conversations with yourself. (Or maybe it's just me.) So I told myself, "No...this doesn't have to be an emotional service. Hannah wouldn't have been a part of D-Now this year. She wouldn't have been up there in that group. She would have been too old for D-Now." And so I squared my shoulders, settled into my seat, and I was okay for a few minutes. But then I caught sight of someone up there on the stage...sitting so far back behind all the kids that I could barely see her...Hannah's best friend, Brittany, who is now a student at Ouachita Baptist University. She and Hannah had always planned to be roommates at OBU...now Brittany is there, and Hannah is not. Brittany was involved with D-Now as a student leader; kind of like a "camp counselor" for the weekend. And it hit me out of the blue (I really don't know why I didn't think of it earlier in the weekend)...Yes, Hannah would have been up there! She would have been up there as a student leader, sitting next to Brittany! She would have really enjoyed leading those younger kids in devotionals and discussions. She would have been so good at that. The tears began to flow as the youth band started to play, and I felt her absence so deeply.

As some of the students began to share their testimonies of how God had worked in their lives that weekend, the tears continued to flow...but the reason for them changed. Two of the girls who spoke were friends of Hannah's, just a year younger than her, and I know their lives had been profoundly impacted by her life and death two years ago. And as I looked around that crowded platform, I thought about how many more of those kids had been influenced spiritually by Hannah's storm. And I wondered...Was God more glorified in this past D-Now weekend by Hannah's absence than He would have been by her presence? I believe He was.

Snow is anticipated for tomorrow...See my last post for the significance of that!

Snow Daze...

I grew up in northern Wisconsin, where snow on the ground in winter was just as much a part of life as grass on the ground in summer. We usually got our first snow around Halloween, and if we were lucky, we might see the ground again by Easter. We did lots of fun winter time activities...ice skating in gym class, playing broom hockey, jumping from the roof into the snow piles after Dad shoveled it off, building snow forts, and of course, sledding. But we never, EVER missed school because of snow.

This past Sunday afternoon, about six inches of snow fell in our part of Arkansas. And we were out of school for the entire week. Along with the unsual snowfall came some exceptionally cold temperatures, so the tiny bit of melting that took place each day froze over each night and made driving even more hazardous in the morning. Here in Arkansas, we don't have much slow-clearing equipment, so once the roads get covered, we're pretty much stuck until the temperatures get above freezing and stay there. We also don't have much in the way of sledding equipment...so the kids have to get a little creative.

Looks like fun, doesn't it? And it was made even more fun by the fact that the sledders had to bail off at the bottom of the hill, just before their "sled" ran into the trees. Ahhh, the joys of sledding redneck style!

For me, the anticipation of snow is just as much fun as the snow itself. Around here, if there is even the remotest possibility of snow in the forecast, the weathermen start talking about it a week ahead of time. And for the next several days, that's the topic of everybody's conversation. Is it really going to snow? In what part of the state? As the target date gets closer, and the forecast becomes a little more refined, the questions continue. How much snow are we going to get? Will there be any sleet? The day before the snow is expected, everybody goes to the grocery store and empties the shelves of milk and bread. Will school be canceled? How long are we going to be snowed in? The weather forecasters are still hedging at this point...We could get a dusting; we could get six inches; it all depends on how far north the low pressure system goes and if the cold air arrives on time; yada, yada, yada. Finally the big day arrives and everyone's got an opinion about what's going to happen. It's going to go north of us; It's going to go south of us; We're not going to get any; This is going to be a big storm. And everybody keeps looking out the window all day long. And finally the long-awaited flakes start to fall. The kids scream for joy and declare that they're not going to do their homework because they know there'll be no school the next day, and moms start cooking all that good comfort food that goes so well with cold weather. Anticipation fulfilled.

As I was anticipating the snow all last week, I couldn't help but think about my anticipation of Heaven. As excited as I was thinking about the possibility of snow, that excitement doesn't compare, not even the tiniest bit, to the excitement I feel when I think about Heaven. And while I've often been disappointed when my snowfall expectations have not been fulfilled, I know that my anticipation of Heaven will never disappoint.

Plans for the "While We're Waiting" Weekend retreat for bereaved parents are still coming together. We had a great organizational team meeting last week (before we got snowed in!). If you've considered coming, but were maybe a little uncomfortable with the separate sleeping facilities for husbands and wives, we have made arrangements for reduced rates at the Comfort Inn ($55/night + tax) and the Holiday Inn Express ($77/night + tax) in Malvern. These hotels are both brand new and are just about ten minutes away from Family Farm, where the retreat will be held. One of the things we'll be talking about at this retreat is the anticipation of Heaven and how we are going to live while we're waiting to be reunited with our children there. As a bereaved parent, I'd really rather spend my time talking about that than whether or not it's going to snow!

"For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." (Romans 8:22-25 NKJV)

Ten on the Tenth

It's time for Ten on the Tenth! This month, I thought I'd share my ten favorite things in Hannah's room. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know that we changed her room into a prayer room/office a few months back.

1. Here's one of my favorite purchases...This could very well be the most comfortable chair in the world!

2. Hannah's academic awards...Still on the wall just like we hung them up as she received them. The two biggest ones in the middle are for freshman student of the year and sophomore student of the year, chosen by the teachers. Those were the ones she was most proud of. Bethany always teased her and said they looked like they were hung on the wall in the shape of a robot.

I think she's right...

3. We are using the word "JOY" as a theme for this room. Just today, a dear friend of mine passed this along to me (she saw it on Facebook, of course): "Joy is the result of faithful, trusting acceptance of God's will, even when it seems not joyous." I can not think of a better way to express our experience over the last few years. The beads you see on the shelf in front of the word JOY are Hannah's "Beads of Courage." She received a different colored bead for each part of her cancer journey...white beads are chemo treatments, blue beads are clinic visits, brown beads are for hair loss, glow-in-the-dark beads are for radiation treatments, yellow beads are hospital stays, etc. It's a really neat reminder of the courage she demonstrated during her year of battling cancer.

4. I love this picture. Hannah was a huge American Idol fan, and Ace Young was a contestant who made the top ten several years ago. We met him at a concert, and Hannah had her picture taken with him. We had an extra copy of the picture made and gave it to her Sunday School teacher, who was also an AI fan. Hannah's Sunday School teacher attended a concert a few weeks later, met Ace, and had him autograph the picture we had given her. She surprised Hannah with it a few days later. I just love the expression on Hannah's face in this picture. The mixture of awe and excitement is just really precious. Ace was a really nice guy and spent a lot of time with us that day.

5. My sweet cousin had this made for us. It's just so pretty, and I love it. I have it pinned up on the wall.

6. OK, so this isn't technically IN Hannah's room, but this is my view as I sit at my desk and blog. Of course, it's not usually white like this, but we've had a very rare six inches of snowfall this week. School was out today, and has already been canceled for tomorrow. At this point, Wednesday is looking questionable at best. But back to the view...my favorite part of this view is the bird feeder and the birds who are always feeding there. Hannah's room was so dark and lifeless for so long, I love seeing life out the window like this.

7. Hannah painted this picture when she was at Grandma & Grandpa Camp in the summer of 2008. She had already been diagnosed with cancer, and had just completed her first round of radiation treaments. I just love it because she painted it.

8. This is a self-portrait that Hannah did when she was in third grade. I love everything about it, but she didn't like it at all. She never wanted me to hang it anywhere where anyone could see it. It's hanging in her room now, and I bet she doesn't mind anymore!

9. I LOVE this. Brad and Bethany got it for me for my birthday a few weeks ago. It's not actually IN Hannah's room either...It's hanging over the door as you enter. Just in case you can't read the verse, it says, "And this child grew and became strong; she was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon her." The last part of that is so true. I've seen enough children with cancer now to believe that God truly does bestow a special grace upon them. I know that the peace Hannah had could only have come from Him.

10. This is my favorite thing in Hannah's room. She returned to school for just a few days in December of 2008, following her second round of radiation treatments. She was always a doodler, and we found this in one of her notebooks that she was using during that time. I have it pinned to the wall right next to that window I sit in front of every day. It's as close as I can get to a daily hug from her.

So, there you have it...Ten on the Tenth for another month! Hmmmm....Wonder what my topic will be next month?

Announcing the "While We're Waiting" Weekend!

In my post on November 7th, I mentioned that there was a venture in the works that we were really excited about. I didn't want to go into detail at that point, because things had yet to "gel" completely. Well, it's finally time to share the details. First, some background...

This past Labor Day weekend, Brad and I attended a retreat in Nashville, Tennessee, for bereaved parents. You can read more about it here, if you'd like. It was an amazing experience, and one we've often talked about duplicating here in Arkansas. Well, God has worked in an amazing way to put us together with two other bereaved couples who have the same passion. The "While We're Waiting" Weekend is the result of that God-given desire.

The “While We’re Waiting” Weekend is a retreat designed specifically for couples who have faced the death of a child. It is meant to be an opportunity for couples to spend some relaxed, unhurried time with other couples who understand the devastation of losing a child, to learn from each other, encourage each other, and to discover that we are not alone. Though we will certainly shed some tears together, our intention is not to spend an entire weekend rehearsing our pain. We hope to laugh together as well as cry together, and gain perspective together. We'll deal with many practical aspects of losing a child and not solely the emotion of it. Our goal is to facilitate times together that are positive, helpful, and healing; and to discuss how we can face the time "while we're waiting" to be reunited with our children with joy and hope.

What will we do at this retreat? We’ll share our stories with each other and pray for each other. We’ll enjoy the beauty of nature, and sit in rockers on the porch sipping coffee. We’ll have large group time, couple time, and time for the men and women to share separately. Our time together will be relaxed and informal, but structured.

What will we talk about? Here are a few of the topics:

• Seeing how our faith in God can help us survive the devastation of our loss

• Understanding how husbands and wives can help each other through the grief process, even though we may grieve differently

• Dealing with the hurt caused by strained friendships and family relationships

• Allowing grief to release its grip on us

• Finding meaning and purpose in our loss, and joy in spite of our loss

• Determining how we’re going to live while we’re waiting to be reunited with our child in Heaven

The "While We're Waiting" Weekend will be April 1-3, 2011, and it will be held in the brand new lodge at Family Farm in Glen Rose, Arkansas, about 45 minutes southwest of Little Rock. Brad and I will be the primary facilitators. We are not professional grief counselors or marriage counselors, just parents who have experienced the devastating grief of losing a child. We have found that sharing these experiences with other bereaved, but believing, parents has been a valuable part of our healing process.


The cost per couple will be $150, which will include Friday and Saturday night lodging at Family Farm, as well as meals and snacks from Friday night dinner through Sunday breakfast. Registration is limited to the first nine couples who submit a $50 non-refundable deposit with a registration application. If you think you'd like to come, or you know someone who might be interested, just send me an email at thesullivan4@gmail.com, and I'll send you some additional information and the registration application. Some spots are already filled, so please let us know soon if you would like to attend. Lord willing, this will become a semi-annual event, taking place in the fall and spring of each year.

We are really excited about how God is working in this event, and how He is already bringing a phenomenal group of couples together to participate. We are intentionally keeping the group small (a total of 12 couples) in order to encourage intimacy and the building of life-long friendships. I know that one of the best things about the retreat we attended was the feeling of "safety" as we shared quality time with other couples who "got" us. What an encouragement that was! That is what we hope to provide through the "While We're Waiting" Weekend.

This verse pretty much sums it up...“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.” Titus 2:11-13 (NIV)

Still "Christmas-Ing"

The calendar may say that Christmas is over...but not for the Sullivans! We've actually been celebrating Christmas for nearly two weeks now. We had our Persenaire family gathering in Mountain Home the weekend before Christmas, enjoyed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with just our little family at home, and will be heading to Van Buren to celebrate with the Sullivans this weekend. We're going to be ready to go back to work and school Monday, just to get a break from all this merry-making! (Not really.)

Emotionally, this Christmas has been far better than last year. We've enjoyed reminiscing and talking about good memories of our Christmases with Hannah. Back in early December, I mentioned in one of my posts that we were going to start collecting JOY items to place on our Christmas tree and also to put in Hannah's room. Oh. My. Word! Since that post, I have received so many fun and JOY-filled surprises from some very sweet friends. I certainly wasn't expecting that! And I can't tell you what an encouragement that has been to me over these last couple of weeks. And as I carefully put them all away this week, I actually felt a sense of excitement and anticipation about getting them out (and adding to the collection) next Christmas. I haven't been excited about Christmas for the past three years...so that's a big deal! What a great reminder of the JOY that only Jesus can bring!

There's something else I'm looking forward to this weekend. Last year, after we finished opening all the presents with the Sullivan side of the family and things had quieted down a bit, we asked each one of our extended family members to do something special for someone in 2010 in Hannah's memory. We requested that they write it down in a card, put it in an envelope, and put it under the Christmas tree this year. So on Saturday night, after all the presents have been opened and the chaos is over, we'll open all of those cards and read what everybody did in memory of Hannah. In a way, these will be like their gifts to Hannah...although they will actually be gifts to God. And how sweet is that?

Christmas Week 2010

What an interesting week this has been! We've had a wide variety of experiences this week...all tied together by one thread...and that thread is Hannah. Even though she is not physically present, her fingerprints have been on everything we've done this week.

Monday night was our monthly Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry support group meeting. These meetings are always a great time of fellowship and encouragement, but this month was a special blessing. We were excited to welcome some guests...Alan and Melissa McCone from Crossett. When we lived in Crossett fourteen years ago, and Brad was the assistant principal at the high school there, Melissa was one of his students. She and her husband have been on their own cancer journey for the last couple of years. Alan was diagnosed with Stage IV renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer) in September of 2008, and they have had quite a battle on their hands since that time. You can read more about their story here. They came to our meeting because they are considering starting a cancer support group in the Crossett area. We had a really neat time of sharing and praying with them. The whole evening was just really special. As I drove home alone that night (Brad and I were in separate vehicles), it really hit me that none of what had occurred that night would have happened had it not been for Hannah's storm. We certainly would not have been leading a cancer support group, we would never have gotten reacquainted with the McCones, and none of the people in that room would have experienced the sweet fellowship and encouragement that group has provided over the past year. The feeling I had could best be described as a sense of awe about what God has done and is still doing through Hannah's life and death.

On Tuesday, we were visited by a Magnet Cove High School student who is doing a documentary about Hannah for her multi-media class. She handed us a list of interview questions to look over while she set up her three cameras in our living room. I was feeling pretty confident about the whole thing...after all, we've shared our testimony numerous times. Then I read over the list of questions and nearly lost it. I can tell the story...I can talk about her diagnosis and her treatments and what God has taught us without breaking down (most of the time anyway)...but answering questions like, "What was your favorite thing to do with Hannah?", "If you had a chance to talk to Hannah, what would you say and why?", "As a mother, what was the hardest thing to watch your daughter do?", and "What is the one thing you wished you could have seen your daughter do?"...That's a whole different ball game! Those are incredibly hard questions! It's not that I don't know the answers, because I definitely do, but those are questions that really trigger an emotional response. We managed to get through the interview, holding it together most of the time, and hopefully, she got some material she can use. And, you know, even though it was emotionally taxing, I think it was really good for me to spend a little time thinking about some of those things. We always welcome any chance we have to talk about our girl, and this was a really unique type of opportunity. We were able to share our faith and give glory to God through Hannah's story, and that is always our desire.

On Wednesday evening, we received word that Brad's Aunt Anna Jewel had gone to Heaven. She's been quite ill for a few years now, and we knew for a couple of days that her death was imminent. Aunt Anna Jewel loved both of our girls, but she and Hannah had a particularly close bond. Hannah was the oldest grandchild on the Sullivan side of the family until Bethany was born, so she always got a lot of attention. When she was little, she spent a lot of time on Aunt Anna Jewel's lap, listening to her read stories. As they both got older, Hannah always enjoyed visiting with her, sitting and listening patiently to all her stories of the good ol' days. Back then, we would never have imagined that Hannah would beat her to Heaven. To think that Hannah was there to greet her as she arrived is truly awe-inspiring.

Then, on Thursday, we went to visit a special family, the Crooks. I've requested prayer for Lauren Crook and her family several times over the last couple of years on this blog. Lauren has battled cancer off and on for almost five years now, and is just 22 years old. When Hannah was diagnosed with cancer, Lauren was a student at OBU, and she heard about Hannah's story through the grapevine. She reached out to Hannah via email, while her mom, Lisa, reached out to me. They were both such an encouragement to us...although we never actually physically met them. At that time, Lauren was cancer-free and doing well. Just as Hannah's health really began to decline, Lauren's cancer returned with a vengeance. She has gone through many months of exceptionally grueling treatments, but to no avail at this point. At this time, she is at home receiving hospice care. We decided it was finally time to meet this family, so we drove to Benton to see them yesterday. What a blessing it was to spend some time with them! God has truly given Lauren and her family a special grace as they've walked this difficult road, and innumerable lives have been touched by their testimony. Hannah and Lauren would have been great friends had they met on this earth, and I can just imagine how they're going to hit it off in Heaven. Of course, I do believe that God may yet choose to heal Lauren...it may be many more years before they meet in Heaven, and I pray that is the case!

As I sit here on Christmas Eve in front of the fireplace and reflect on the past week, I am struck by how differently we would have spent our time if Hannah were still here with us. The Anchor of Hope Cancer ministry would not exist, there would have been no interview in our living room, we would have viewed Aunt Anna Jewel's passing through a completely different perspective, and we wouldn't even know the Crooks. How would we have spent our time? Welcoming Hannah home for her first Christmas break from college, for one thing. It hurts to know that other families are enjoying time all together tonight...I'm not going to lie. Our family of three, though precious to me, feels sorely incomplete at times like this.

Back to those interview questions....There was one I didn't even attempt to answer on Tuesday. "If you had a chance to talk to Hannah, what would you say and why?" If I could talk to Hannah tonight, I would tell her that I am so proud of her. Because of the courage and grace with which she walked through her storm, lives are still being touched today. Because of her determination to bring glory to God, He is still being glorified today. Because of what we perceive to be her early departure to Heaven, we now live with an eternal perspective. And it's because of that eternal perspective that we can celebrate the true meaning of this season with JOY in our hearts. We pray that you will do the same.

The Woman in My Driver's License Picture

I made my quadrennial (don't you love that word?) trip to our local revenue office last week to get my new driver's license. In Arkansas, your license expires every four years on your birthday. With my birthday falling on a Sunday this year, it almost slipped past me. Fortunately I remembered to go last Friday. I knew it wasn't going to be a good visit when I saw a sign taped to the door that said, "The office is short-handed today. Please forgive any delays." It wasn't like I could come back on another day, so I sighed, entered, took my number and sat down in a cold, hard folding chair among several impatient revenue office patrons. Number 54. They weren't kidding about being short-handed. There was just one guy behind the counter processing applications for new car tags, car tag renewals, and driver's license renewals. He was on Number 43, so I knew it would be a little while. These are the times when I really enjoy having an iPhone. I pulled it out and checked my email, my Facebook, the Drudge Report, and read a little bit on my Kindle app. As he got up into the lower 50's, I decided to pull out my current driver's license so I would be ready to go when Number 54 was finally called.

As I studied this little piece of plastic I'd been carrying around for the last four years, I was struck by the woman in the picture. She looked familiar, but I quickly realized that I didn't really know her anymore. This woman's eyes were happy and clear, and obviously hadn't shed many tears. Her smile was easy and bright, and clearly unforced. There were no lines around her eyes, and it was apparent that those eyes had seen very little pain and suffering. Her shoulders were erect, and obviously had never been bent over by grief. There was a lightness and a shallowness to her appearance, and on that December day in 2006, she was probably looking forward to going Christmas shopping for her two daughters after the hassle of getting her driver's license renewed. This was a woman who took pains to insulate herself from suffering. A woman who had never seen a bald, cancer-ridden child in person before; a woman who changed the channel when the St. Jude telethon came on TV; a woman who avoided talking to families who were dealing with cancer. After all, what did those things have to do with her? She was a woman who had no idea that her own child would be diagnosed with terminal cancer less than two years later.

The woman in the photo on my new driver's license is much more familiar to me. The eyes of this woman fill with tears several times a day most days; her smile doesn't come as easily and quickly as it once did; her shoulders often feel heavy with the weight of grief; and pain has carved a few lines into her face. But, you know what? She's a far better woman than the one in the picture from four years ago. Her faith has been shaken, and has not only stood the test, but grown stronger. God has multiplied her capacity for compassion, and given her a love and concern for the suffering that certainly never existed before. He has also given her an awareness of and an appreciation for His many blessings that has provided a depth of joy she's never known. He's given her sense of direction and purpose that didn't exist before. This woman has had a glimpse into eternity as her child stepped into Heaven before her very eyes, and her perspective on life has been forever changed.

The guy who took my picture at the revenue office on Friday never noticed that the two women represented by those photos were so very different...but I sure did.

Ten on the Tenth

OK, so Bethany and I finally got the tree up and the house decorated for Christmas this week. We decided to go "minimalist" this year, and rather than get everything out and have to deal with all the boxes and clutter, we just chose to display our favorite things. Thus, the inspiration for this month's "Ten on the Tenth". Here, in no particular order, are my ten favorite Christmas items.

1. Hannah and Bethany had the same Christmas stockings for years. Last year, I couldn't face the thought of using them, so I got Bethany a new one. It is just one symbol of the new traditions we started as a family last year. Notice the JOY stocking holder.

2. Here's an ornament that sweet Aunt Maria made for our tree last year...It says "Our Special Angel" on the other side...

3. Several years ago, Bethany surprised me on my birthday with a whole bunch of ornaments that look like candy. They all look good enough to eat, and I absolutely love them...especially because she picked every one out herself.

4. A precious friend sent me these photo ornaments in the mail the other day after reading my last post. What an amazing surprise that was! I got so much JOY from putting the girls' pictures in them and hanging them on the tree...

5. This adorable reindeer is actually a Christmas card holder. If you look up at the top, you can see a few cards are already in the slots. He has been a part of our Christmas tradition for probably about ten years now. He was handmade by a very dear friend, and he's one of the first things I bring up from the basement every year. The little Christmas Westie down at the bottom is Lacee's favorite decoration...

6. Bethany decided that the other "reindeer" in our living room needed to look festive for the season, so she took matters into her own hands. I'm not sure that this actually qualifies as a "Christmas item", but it sure made a cute picture...

7. My mother-in-law gave us this beautiful nativity set a couple of years ago at Christmas time. The detail in each piece is exquisite, and it's Bethany's job to set it up every year. She's way better at that sort of thing than I am.

8. This ornament was given to us at Hannah's visitation. I don't think I have to explain why it's one of my favorite Christmas items...

9. You've already seen the beautiful church my Dad made for me this year. I actually don't consider this a Christmas item...I plan to display it all year round.

10. I have to end with this one. I like to display it prominently, so that even amidst all the hustle and bustle, I'm reminded to keep the focus where it belongs...

Merry Christmas!

Are You Ready For Christmas Yet? Well...

Well, you can tell basketball season is underway by my lack of posts recently. I love basketball season, but it sure does keep us busy! Of course, we go to Bethany's games, but since Brad is the principal and I am the official scorekeeper, we end up going to ALL the games. It's a good kind of busy, though, and I am thankful for it.

That busy-ness is probably one reason why we haven't done any Christmas decorating at home yet. Well, that, and the fact that the decorator in the house (and I use that term VERY loosely), has not yet gotten into the Christmas mood. I am not one of these people who can make a magnificent Christmas centerpiece out of a random assortment of Q-tips, pipe cleaners, rubber bands, pine cones and metallic spray paint, like so many of my talented blogging friends can do. I am doing well just to get a few items up on my mantel that look semi-decent together. I'm just not good at that sort of thing, and I'm never very satisfied with the results. So Christmas decorating has always been somewhat of a chore for me.

Last year, our first Christmas without Hannah present, decorating was just downright painful. We did it, though, doing some things differently to make it a little bit easier...getting a real tree, buying some new ornaments, changing up some traditions. We were hosting the faculty and staff Christmas party at our house, so that was a good motivation to decorate.

This year, I'm happy to say that though it's still hard, it's not as painful. I just haven't been ready to do it yet. In years past, we would put up our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving...sometimes even on Thanskgiving afternoon. But I've decided I don't want to do that anymore. I want to truly experience and appreciate Thanksgiving before I move on to Christmas. I think that many times in the past, I tended to view Thanksgiving as simply a stepping stone into the Christmas season. From now on, I want to finish Thanksgiving before I start Christmas. This may not make sense to anyone but me...but that's just how I feel. Maybe it comes from the experience of living with a child who has terminal cancer...and the desire to get everything you can out of every day you are given.

So...my goal for this week is to prepare to celebrate Christmas. We have begun collecting items that say "Joy" on them to hang on our tree, and also to decorate Hannah's room with when Christmas is over. "Joy" was Hannah's middle name, and has so much meaning to us on so many different levels. I'm looking forward to adding to our "Joy" collection this year and in the years to come. Because, after all, isn't that what Christmas is all about...the JOY that only Jesus can give? Let's keep our focus on that JOY as we enter into the busy-ness of this season!

A Memorable Thanksgiving

This year, for the first time ever, we hosted the Sullivan/Persenaire Thanksgiving celebration at our home. My parents came, and so did Brad's parents, along with all of his siblings and their kids...Seventeen people in all. I cooked a 22 pound turkey, complete with stuffing, along with a broccoli and cheese casserole, and two pies. The rest of the family brought cornbread dressing, green bean bundles, corn casserole, tater tot casserole, sweet potato casserole, "pink stuff" (a Persenaire family tradition), and more desserts.

The whole day was made a little more interesting when a heavy rain storm moved through the area and knocked out the electricity. Yeah, the turkey was about half done at the time. We sat around and visited for about an hour, thinking surely the power would come back on soon...but it didn't! All the kids were already hungry, we still had about two hours more cooking to go, and the Cowboy Cookies I had set out as snacks were long gone by this time. What to do? Well, borrow your neighbor's oven, that's what! There was a large area without power, but we were apparently right at the edge of it, because our neighbors right up the road had power. Bethany texted her friend Stacey whose family was just leaving to go to her Grandma's house, and with their permission, we moved our giant turkey into their empty, and already warm, oven. Our electricity came back on about 45 minutes later, just in time to get all the sides heated up while the turkey was finishing. We sent the guys over to get the turkey, and by the time it was carved, everything else was hot and ready to serve. We couldn't have planned it any better. The meal was delicious, and the family fellowship was fantastic.

I also got a really fun surprise on Thanksgiving Day. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you may remember me writing a post titled "Old Grandpa's Church". You can read it here. In the post, I wrote about the church my Great Grandpa made for our family in 1965, the year I was born. I concluded the post by wondering if my Dad might make me one just like it for Christmas some day. Well, he started working on one not long after Christmas last year...I knew he'd been working on it, so it wasn't really a surprise...but I wasn't expecting to get it until Christmas! Look how pretty this little church is!

The top lifts off, just like the original, to reveal the handmade pews, pulpit, and organ inside. There is a music box that plays "Silent Night", it lights up, and the steeple lifts off and you can ring the bell.

The building of this church was truly a labor of love. My Dad's hands are gnarled and twisted with arthritis, yet he painstakingly labored over every detail. What a precious family heirloom this little church will be. Thanks Dad...I could not love it more!

This Thanksgiving holiday has been somewhat overshadowed by the illness of a very dear friend. She's been very, very sick, and just underwent her third abdominal surgery since November 16th today. Her husband has faithfully kept me informed about her condition, but it's been tough for me to just wait for each update to see how she is doing...such a helpless feeling. I've gotten a little bit of an idea of what it was like for the people who read our email updates and prayed for us while Hannah was sick. Please join me in praying for Laurie...for wisdom for her doctors, for peace of mind for her family, and for complete healing if that is His will for her.

Thankful...

I am so thankful for the opportunity we had to speak at the Arkansas Children's Hospital Hematology/Oncology Memorial Service on Sunday. What an amazing blessing it was! The service itself was beautifully done, culminating with a slideshow of pictures of the precious children whose lives have been lost to cancer in the past year while their parents lit candles in their memories. There were 28 of them...twenty-eight! That's too many kids dying of cancer! The heartbreak represented in that room was immeasurable. It was truly an honor and a privilege to be able to share our grief experiences and our faith with them, and I pray that God was glorified in the process.

I am thankful that this year I am looking forward to celebrating Thanksgiving with anticipation, and not with dread, like I was last year. We are hosting it at our house, and will have a house full of people tomorrow...grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins...I think it's going to be great! I'm so thankful that all of the "firsts" are behind us. As we start this round of "seconds", I can see that, by God's grace, it's going to be easier. This poem, from the Arkansas Children's Hospital "Good Mourning" Newsletter, pretty much says it all...


A Bereaved Thanksgiving
By Darcie Sims

It doesn’t seem to get any better…
But it doesn’t seem to get any worse either.
For that, I am thankful.

There are no more pictures to be taken…
But there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.

There is a missing chair at the table…
But the circle of family gathers close.
For that, I am thankful.

The turkey is smaller…
But there is still stuffing.
For that, I am thankful.

The days are shorter…
But the nights are softer.
For that, I am thankful.

The pain is still there...
But it only lasts moments.
For that I am thankful.

The calendar still turns,
the holidays still appear,
And they still cost too much…
But I am still here.
For that I am thankful.

The room is still empty,
the soul still aches…
But the heart remembers,
For that, I am thankful.

The guests still come, the dishes pile up…
But the dishwasher still works.
For that, I am thankful.

The name is still missing, the words still unspoken…
But the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.

The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to…
For that, I am thankful.

The stillness remains…
But the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.

The moment is gone…
But the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed: for that I am grateful…

Love was once (and still is)
A part of my being…
for that, I am living.
I am living…
and for that, I am thankful.

May your holidays be filled with reasons
to be thankful. Having loved and having
been loved is perhaps the most wondrous
reason of all.

Darcie Sims—1992

Skipping Church

Yes, it's Sunday morning, and I'm still in my pajama pants and a sweatshirt, sitting in front of my computer. I'm here by myself...Brad and Bethany went hunting yesterday, and Bethany shot at, but missed, a "monster buck". That's only the second time she's ever missed something she's shot at! They were going to come home from the camp after the Razorback game last night, but it was so late by the time the game was over (double overtime), and you know, that monster buck was still out there somewhere, so they decided to stay another night and hunt this morning. So, I felt that this was the perfect opportunity to have some alone time, where I could really focus and put the finishing touches on a presentation I've been working on.

And the timing is good, too, because we are giving the presentation this afternoon! Today is the day we will be speaking at the Arkansas Children's Hospital Hematology/Oncology Clinic memorial service. It is an annual event, where all the parents who have lost children to cancer at ACH in the past year get together for a time of remembrance.

We were asked to speak at this event several weeks ago, and I've had plenty of time to prepare. Yes, the last few weeks have been very busy, with basketball starting back up and Bethany being involved with a school play...but it's not like I haven't had time to work on this speech. It's just been a very difficult speech to write, knowing that our audience will be entirely made up of grieving families. I want to be so careful not to inadvertently add to anyone's pain (see my four recent blog posts about grief), but to be an encouragement to them, and to help them see that it does get better with time. I want to share our faith in God, yet not have anyone feel that we are shoving our beliefs on them. I want to share about the things God has taught us over the past 21 months, yet not come across as if we've got it all figured out, because we certainly don't!

I have spent a lot of time in prayer about the content of this speech. I'm not sure if I can really explain it very well, but when I write something like this (and even when I write on this blog sometimes), it's as if God won't give me the words to say until my heart is right, and ready to receive them. And sometimes, He only gives me a little bit at a time. And I can tell when I go off writing on my own...it comes off sounding stilted and often self-aggrandizing. That's how the writing of this Children's Hospital presentation has been...it has come to me in bits and pieces, I've written it in fits and starts, and it's taken awhile for it to come together into a coherent whole. So I got up early this morning, spent some time in prayer, and I believe this speech is now in a presentable form.

Now my prayer is simply for strength to make it through this speech emotionally. I have not been back to Arkansas Children's Hospital since the terrible day when we left there to go to the hospice center. I even get a queasy feeling in my stomach on the rare occasions that we've driven by it since that day. Not that all of my memories associated with ACH are bad...Some of my very best memories were made there...I can't really explain the effect it has on me. So just going there today will be emotional for me. Thankfully, the memorial service is not in the main building where we always went, so that will help. I believe some of the Hem/Onc Clinic staff will be at this service, and I am a little nervous about seeing them. We haven't seen Hannah's oncologist since the day we left, and that will be an emotional reunion as well. He and the nurses there loved our daughter, and we've missed seeing them.

Brad just called, and they're on their way home. No monster buck. Of course, you never get anything when you hunt on Sunday morning, isn't that right? That's what I've always heard anyway!

Thanks for your prayers for us, as always. I know there are many of you who pray for us often, and we are so appreciative of that. I can't help but feel that I'd rather be anywhere today other than this memorial service...Hannah should be here with us, and we should be getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving together this week. But she's not...she's where she was created to be...and while we're waiting to be reunited with her, we will seek to honor the Lord by living well and sharing what He's taught us through Hannah's life and death.