Our "JOY Wall"

Bethany and I had some time at home this past week (in the middle of basketball season, no less) and we used it to finally put up our "JOY Wall" in Hannah's room. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know I've been collecting JOY items for a few months now. I've been looking for some big letters to put up in the middle of the wall, which I finally found at Hobby Lobby last week. We put those up first, and then starting hanging all the other "Joy" stuff around them. My intention was to save the overtly Christmas-themed items in a box to hang on our tree next Christmas, but Bethany really wanted to put everything up....so that's what we did. The wall is going to look a little bare when we take some of these things down to hang on our Christmas tree in December, but hey, that's okay! It actually looks a little like "JOY" exploded all over the wall, but I love it. Many of these items were gifts from precious friends and family, and each one makes me smile. It will be so much fun to add to our collection, and eventually fill up the whole wall!

There are a couple of reasons why we chose "JOY" as the theme of this room. Probably the most obvious is because Joy was Hannah's middle name. But that's not the main reason. The biggest reason we want to cover her walls with JOY is to remind us of a couple of things. One, that the JOY of the Lord is our strength, even when we are feeling our weakest. And two, that Hannah is right now experiencing indescribable JOY, a JOY that we will share with her someday.

Now, is JOY my overwhelming emotion as I walk into my oldest daughter's empty bedroom every day?

Um, no.

Believe me, there are a lot of days when I feel kind of like this...

Don't you just love that picture? It's actually a Christmas card that a sweet friend sent me. As soon as I saw it, I said, "That's me!" Look into that cat's eyes...It's like he's saying, "Yeah, I've got joy...but I just dare you to make me be happy about it!" Yes, I have a deep-down joy that's always with me because of what Christ did for me on the cross, but do I always FEEL joyful? No.

Sometimes I've wondered as I've looked around at my JOY stuff...

Am I just faking it? Am I being a hypocrite to surround myself with JOY when sometimes I'm just really not feelin' it?

And then I read this on someone's blog the other day....from the book "Kingdom of Love" by Hannah Hurnard.

"What about praising even when the disappointment feels very real? Does that mean we're faking it and fooling ourselves?

No. It means we're being obedient.

It is never hypocrisy to act as we earnestly desire to feel, even though the feeling may be very contrary at the time. Feelings follow action."

So, even though I sometimes feel like a surly feline crammed into a ill-fitting stocking, I will continue to choose JOY!

Disciple Now 2011

This past weekend, our church was involved in a youth retreat called Disciple Now. Students stay in host homes, and a special speaker is brought in who leads worship and teaching services throughout the weekend. If you've followed our story from the very beginning, you may remember that it was at a D-Now event that Hannah heard a speaker talk about how God uses storms in our lives to bring us closer to Him, and to allow others to see His glory through our storms. It was at that event that Hannah prayed that God would bring a storm into her life so that she could bring Him glory. A few months later, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. Now, I don't believe that God inflicted cancer upon her simply because she prayed that prayer...but I do believe that He was preparing her heart for the storm that was already on its way.

Bethany was a part of the D-Now event this past weekend, along with about 300 other students from four or five other churches in our area. Over the course of the weekend, there were 22 salvations, and 14 rededications. Awesome, huh? The event culminated in the worship service at our church on Sunday morning, with about 100 students representing our church filling the choir loft and stage area to overflowing. As I sat down in the pew and looked at all those kids, I thought to myself...."Uh oh, this could be an emotional service." You know how you have those conversations with yourself. (Or maybe it's just me.) So I told myself, "No...this doesn't have to be an emotional service. Hannah wouldn't have been a part of D-Now this year. She wouldn't have been up there in that group. She would have been too old for D-Now." And so I squared my shoulders, settled into my seat, and I was okay for a few minutes. But then I caught sight of someone up there on the stage...sitting so far back behind all the kids that I could barely see her...Hannah's best friend, Brittany, who is now a student at Ouachita Baptist University. She and Hannah had always planned to be roommates at OBU...now Brittany is there, and Hannah is not. Brittany was involved with D-Now as a student leader; kind of like a "camp counselor" for the weekend. And it hit me out of the blue (I really don't know why I didn't think of it earlier in the weekend)...Yes, Hannah would have been up there! She would have been up there as a student leader, sitting next to Brittany! She would have really enjoyed leading those younger kids in devotionals and discussions. She would have been so good at that. The tears began to flow as the youth band started to play, and I felt her absence so deeply.

As some of the students began to share their testimonies of how God had worked in their lives that weekend, the tears continued to flow...but the reason for them changed. Two of the girls who spoke were friends of Hannah's, just a year younger than her, and I know their lives had been profoundly impacted by her life and death two years ago. And as I looked around that crowded platform, I thought about how many more of those kids had been influenced spiritually by Hannah's storm. And I wondered...Was God more glorified in this past D-Now weekend by Hannah's absence than He would have been by her presence? I believe He was.

Snow is anticipated for tomorrow...See my last post for the significance of that!

Snow Daze...

I grew up in northern Wisconsin, where snow on the ground in winter was just as much a part of life as grass on the ground in summer. We usually got our first snow around Halloween, and if we were lucky, we might see the ground again by Easter. We did lots of fun winter time activities...ice skating in gym class, playing broom hockey, jumping from the roof into the snow piles after Dad shoveled it off, building snow forts, and of course, sledding. But we never, EVER missed school because of snow.

This past Sunday afternoon, about six inches of snow fell in our part of Arkansas. And we were out of school for the entire week. Along with the unsual snowfall came some exceptionally cold temperatures, so the tiny bit of melting that took place each day froze over each night and made driving even more hazardous in the morning. Here in Arkansas, we don't have much slow-clearing equipment, so once the roads get covered, we're pretty much stuck until the temperatures get above freezing and stay there. We also don't have much in the way of sledding equipment...so the kids have to get a little creative.

Looks like fun, doesn't it? And it was made even more fun by the fact that the sledders had to bail off at the bottom of the hill, just before their "sled" ran into the trees. Ahhh, the joys of sledding redneck style!

For me, the anticipation of snow is just as much fun as the snow itself. Around here, if there is even the remotest possibility of snow in the forecast, the weathermen start talking about it a week ahead of time. And for the next several days, that's the topic of everybody's conversation. Is it really going to snow? In what part of the state? As the target date gets closer, and the forecast becomes a little more refined, the questions continue. How much snow are we going to get? Will there be any sleet? The day before the snow is expected, everybody goes to the grocery store and empties the shelves of milk and bread. Will school be canceled? How long are we going to be snowed in? The weather forecasters are still hedging at this point...We could get a dusting; we could get six inches; it all depends on how far north the low pressure system goes and if the cold air arrives on time; yada, yada, yada. Finally the big day arrives and everyone's got an opinion about what's going to happen. It's going to go north of us; It's going to go south of us; We're not going to get any; This is going to be a big storm. And everybody keeps looking out the window all day long. And finally the long-awaited flakes start to fall. The kids scream for joy and declare that they're not going to do their homework because they know there'll be no school the next day, and moms start cooking all that good comfort food that goes so well with cold weather. Anticipation fulfilled.

As I was anticipating the snow all last week, I couldn't help but think about my anticipation of Heaven. As excited as I was thinking about the possibility of snow, that excitement doesn't compare, not even the tiniest bit, to the excitement I feel when I think about Heaven. And while I've often been disappointed when my snowfall expectations have not been fulfilled, I know that my anticipation of Heaven will never disappoint.

Plans for the "While We're Waiting" Weekend retreat for bereaved parents are still coming together. We had a great organizational team meeting last week (before we got snowed in!). If you've considered coming, but were maybe a little uncomfortable with the separate sleeping facilities for husbands and wives, we have made arrangements for reduced rates at the Comfort Inn ($55/night + tax) and the Holiday Inn Express ($77/night + tax) in Malvern. These hotels are both brand new and are just about ten minutes away from Family Farm, where the retreat will be held. One of the things we'll be talking about at this retreat is the anticipation of Heaven and how we are going to live while we're waiting to be reunited with our children there. As a bereaved parent, I'd really rather spend my time talking about that than whether or not it's going to snow!

"For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." (Romans 8:22-25 NKJV)

Ten on the Tenth

It's time for Ten on the Tenth! This month, I thought I'd share my ten favorite things in Hannah's room. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know that we changed her room into a prayer room/office a few months back.

1. Here's one of my favorite purchases...This could very well be the most comfortable chair in the world!

2. Hannah's academic awards...Still on the wall just like we hung them up as she received them. The two biggest ones in the middle are for freshman student of the year and sophomore student of the year, chosen by the teachers. Those were the ones she was most proud of. Bethany always teased her and said they looked like they were hung on the wall in the shape of a robot.

I think she's right...

3. We are using the word "JOY" as a theme for this room. Just today, a dear friend of mine passed this along to me (she saw it on Facebook, of course): "Joy is the result of faithful, trusting acceptance of God's will, even when it seems not joyous." I can not think of a better way to express our experience over the last few years. The beads you see on the shelf in front of the word JOY are Hannah's "Beads of Courage." She received a different colored bead for each part of her cancer journey...white beads are chemo treatments, blue beads are clinic visits, brown beads are for hair loss, glow-in-the-dark beads are for radiation treatments, yellow beads are hospital stays, etc. It's a really neat reminder of the courage she demonstrated during her year of battling cancer.

4. I love this picture. Hannah was a huge American Idol fan, and Ace Young was a contestant who made the top ten several years ago. We met him at a concert, and Hannah had her picture taken with him. We had an extra copy of the picture made and gave it to her Sunday School teacher, who was also an AI fan. Hannah's Sunday School teacher attended a concert a few weeks later, met Ace, and had him autograph the picture we had given her. She surprised Hannah with it a few days later. I just love the expression on Hannah's face in this picture. The mixture of awe and excitement is just really precious. Ace was a really nice guy and spent a lot of time with us that day.

5. My sweet cousin had this made for us. It's just so pretty, and I love it. I have it pinned up on the wall.

6. OK, so this isn't technically IN Hannah's room, but this is my view as I sit at my desk and blog. Of course, it's not usually white like this, but we've had a very rare six inches of snowfall this week. School was out today, and has already been canceled for tomorrow. At this point, Wednesday is looking questionable at best. But back to the view...my favorite part of this view is the bird feeder and the birds who are always feeding there. Hannah's room was so dark and lifeless for so long, I love seeing life out the window like this.

7. Hannah painted this picture when she was at Grandma & Grandpa Camp in the summer of 2008. She had already been diagnosed with cancer, and had just completed her first round of radiation treaments. I just love it because she painted it.

8. This is a self-portrait that Hannah did when she was in third grade. I love everything about it, but she didn't like it at all. She never wanted me to hang it anywhere where anyone could see it. It's hanging in her room now, and I bet she doesn't mind anymore!

9. I LOVE this. Brad and Bethany got it for me for my birthday a few weeks ago. It's not actually IN Hannah's room either...It's hanging over the door as you enter. Just in case you can't read the verse, it says, "And this child grew and became strong; she was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon her." The last part of that is so true. I've seen enough children with cancer now to believe that God truly does bestow a special grace upon them. I know that the peace Hannah had could only have come from Him.

10. This is my favorite thing in Hannah's room. She returned to school for just a few days in December of 2008, following her second round of radiation treatments. She was always a doodler, and we found this in one of her notebooks that she was using during that time. I have it pinned to the wall right next to that window I sit in front of every day. It's as close as I can get to a daily hug from her.

So, there you have it...Ten on the Tenth for another month! Hmmmm....Wonder what my topic will be next month?

Announcing the "While We're Waiting" Weekend!

In my post on November 7th, I mentioned that there was a venture in the works that we were really excited about. I didn't want to go into detail at that point, because things had yet to "gel" completely. Well, it's finally time to share the details. First, some background...

This past Labor Day weekend, Brad and I attended a retreat in Nashville, Tennessee, for bereaved parents. You can read more about it here, if you'd like. It was an amazing experience, and one we've often talked about duplicating here in Arkansas. Well, God has worked in an amazing way to put us together with two other bereaved couples who have the same passion. The "While We're Waiting" Weekend is the result of that God-given desire.

The “While We’re Waiting” Weekend is a retreat designed specifically for couples who have faced the death of a child. It is meant to be an opportunity for couples to spend some relaxed, unhurried time with other couples who understand the devastation of losing a child, to learn from each other, encourage each other, and to discover that we are not alone. Though we will certainly shed some tears together, our intention is not to spend an entire weekend rehearsing our pain. We hope to laugh together as well as cry together, and gain perspective together. We'll deal with many practical aspects of losing a child and not solely the emotion of it. Our goal is to facilitate times together that are positive, helpful, and healing; and to discuss how we can face the time "while we're waiting" to be reunited with our children with joy and hope.

What will we do at this retreat? We’ll share our stories with each other and pray for each other. We’ll enjoy the beauty of nature, and sit in rockers on the porch sipping coffee. We’ll have large group time, couple time, and time for the men and women to share separately. Our time together will be relaxed and informal, but structured.

What will we talk about? Here are a few of the topics:

• Seeing how our faith in God can help us survive the devastation of our loss

• Understanding how husbands and wives can help each other through the grief process, even though we may grieve differently

• Dealing with the hurt caused by strained friendships and family relationships

• Allowing grief to release its grip on us

• Finding meaning and purpose in our loss, and joy in spite of our loss

• Determining how we’re going to live while we’re waiting to be reunited with our child in Heaven

The "While We're Waiting" Weekend will be April 1-3, 2011, and it will be held in the brand new lodge at Family Farm in Glen Rose, Arkansas, about 45 minutes southwest of Little Rock. Brad and I will be the primary facilitators. We are not professional grief counselors or marriage counselors, just parents who have experienced the devastating grief of losing a child. We have found that sharing these experiences with other bereaved, but believing, parents has been a valuable part of our healing process.


The cost per couple will be $150, which will include Friday and Saturday night lodging at Family Farm, as well as meals and snacks from Friday night dinner through Sunday breakfast. Registration is limited to the first nine couples who submit a $50 non-refundable deposit with a registration application. If you think you'd like to come, or you know someone who might be interested, just send me an email at thesullivan4@gmail.com, and I'll send you some additional information and the registration application. Some spots are already filled, so please let us know soon if you would like to attend. Lord willing, this will become a semi-annual event, taking place in the fall and spring of each year.

We are really excited about how God is working in this event, and how He is already bringing a phenomenal group of couples together to participate. We are intentionally keeping the group small (a total of 12 couples) in order to encourage intimacy and the building of life-long friendships. I know that one of the best things about the retreat we attended was the feeling of "safety" as we shared quality time with other couples who "got" us. What an encouragement that was! That is what we hope to provide through the "While We're Waiting" Weekend.

This verse pretty much sums it up...“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.” Titus 2:11-13 (NIV)

Still "Christmas-Ing"

The calendar may say that Christmas is over...but not for the Sullivans! We've actually been celebrating Christmas for nearly two weeks now. We had our Persenaire family gathering in Mountain Home the weekend before Christmas, enjoyed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with just our little family at home, and will be heading to Van Buren to celebrate with the Sullivans this weekend. We're going to be ready to go back to work and school Monday, just to get a break from all this merry-making! (Not really.)

Emotionally, this Christmas has been far better than last year. We've enjoyed reminiscing and talking about good memories of our Christmases with Hannah. Back in early December, I mentioned in one of my posts that we were going to start collecting JOY items to place on our Christmas tree and also to put in Hannah's room. Oh. My. Word! Since that post, I have received so many fun and JOY-filled surprises from some very sweet friends. I certainly wasn't expecting that! And I can't tell you what an encouragement that has been to me over these last couple of weeks. And as I carefully put them all away this week, I actually felt a sense of excitement and anticipation about getting them out (and adding to the collection) next Christmas. I haven't been excited about Christmas for the past three years...so that's a big deal! What a great reminder of the JOY that only Jesus can bring!

There's something else I'm looking forward to this weekend. Last year, after we finished opening all the presents with the Sullivan side of the family and things had quieted down a bit, we asked each one of our extended family members to do something special for someone in 2010 in Hannah's memory. We requested that they write it down in a card, put it in an envelope, and put it under the Christmas tree this year. So on Saturday night, after all the presents have been opened and the chaos is over, we'll open all of those cards and read what everybody did in memory of Hannah. In a way, these will be like their gifts to Hannah...although they will actually be gifts to God. And how sweet is that?

Christmas Week 2010

What an interesting week this has been! We've had a wide variety of experiences this week...all tied together by one thread...and that thread is Hannah. Even though she is not physically present, her fingerprints have been on everything we've done this week.

Monday night was our monthly Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry support group meeting. These meetings are always a great time of fellowship and encouragement, but this month was a special blessing. We were excited to welcome some guests...Alan and Melissa McCone from Crossett. When we lived in Crossett fourteen years ago, and Brad was the assistant principal at the high school there, Melissa was one of his students. She and her husband have been on their own cancer journey for the last couple of years. Alan was diagnosed with Stage IV renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer) in September of 2008, and they have had quite a battle on their hands since that time. You can read more about their story here. They came to our meeting because they are considering starting a cancer support group in the Crossett area. We had a really neat time of sharing and praying with them. The whole evening was just really special. As I drove home alone that night (Brad and I were in separate vehicles), it really hit me that none of what had occurred that night would have happened had it not been for Hannah's storm. We certainly would not have been leading a cancer support group, we would never have gotten reacquainted with the McCones, and none of the people in that room would have experienced the sweet fellowship and encouragement that group has provided over the past year. The feeling I had could best be described as a sense of awe about what God has done and is still doing through Hannah's life and death.

On Tuesday, we were visited by a Magnet Cove High School student who is doing a documentary about Hannah for her multi-media class. She handed us a list of interview questions to look over while she set up her three cameras in our living room. I was feeling pretty confident about the whole thing...after all, we've shared our testimony numerous times. Then I read over the list of questions and nearly lost it. I can tell the story...I can talk about her diagnosis and her treatments and what God has taught us without breaking down (most of the time anyway)...but answering questions like, "What was your favorite thing to do with Hannah?", "If you had a chance to talk to Hannah, what would you say and why?", "As a mother, what was the hardest thing to watch your daughter do?", and "What is the one thing you wished you could have seen your daughter do?"...That's a whole different ball game! Those are incredibly hard questions! It's not that I don't know the answers, because I definitely do, but those are questions that really trigger an emotional response. We managed to get through the interview, holding it together most of the time, and hopefully, she got some material she can use. And, you know, even though it was emotionally taxing, I think it was really good for me to spend a little time thinking about some of those things. We always welcome any chance we have to talk about our girl, and this was a really unique type of opportunity. We were able to share our faith and give glory to God through Hannah's story, and that is always our desire.

On Wednesday evening, we received word that Brad's Aunt Anna Jewel had gone to Heaven. She's been quite ill for a few years now, and we knew for a couple of days that her death was imminent. Aunt Anna Jewel loved both of our girls, but she and Hannah had a particularly close bond. Hannah was the oldest grandchild on the Sullivan side of the family until Bethany was born, so she always got a lot of attention. When she was little, she spent a lot of time on Aunt Anna Jewel's lap, listening to her read stories. As they both got older, Hannah always enjoyed visiting with her, sitting and listening patiently to all her stories of the good ol' days. Back then, we would never have imagined that Hannah would beat her to Heaven. To think that Hannah was there to greet her as she arrived is truly awe-inspiring.

Then, on Thursday, we went to visit a special family, the Crooks. I've requested prayer for Lauren Crook and her family several times over the last couple of years on this blog. Lauren has battled cancer off and on for almost five years now, and is just 22 years old. When Hannah was diagnosed with cancer, Lauren was a student at OBU, and she heard about Hannah's story through the grapevine. She reached out to Hannah via email, while her mom, Lisa, reached out to me. They were both such an encouragement to us...although we never actually physically met them. At that time, Lauren was cancer-free and doing well. Just as Hannah's health really began to decline, Lauren's cancer returned with a vengeance. She has gone through many months of exceptionally grueling treatments, but to no avail at this point. At this time, she is at home receiving hospice care. We decided it was finally time to meet this family, so we drove to Benton to see them yesterday. What a blessing it was to spend some time with them! God has truly given Lauren and her family a special grace as they've walked this difficult road, and innumerable lives have been touched by their testimony. Hannah and Lauren would have been great friends had they met on this earth, and I can just imagine how they're going to hit it off in Heaven. Of course, I do believe that God may yet choose to heal Lauren...it may be many more years before they meet in Heaven, and I pray that is the case!

As I sit here on Christmas Eve in front of the fireplace and reflect on the past week, I am struck by how differently we would have spent our time if Hannah were still here with us. The Anchor of Hope Cancer ministry would not exist, there would have been no interview in our living room, we would have viewed Aunt Anna Jewel's passing through a completely different perspective, and we wouldn't even know the Crooks. How would we have spent our time? Welcoming Hannah home for her first Christmas break from college, for one thing. It hurts to know that other families are enjoying time all together tonight...I'm not going to lie. Our family of three, though precious to me, feels sorely incomplete at times like this.

Back to those interview questions....There was one I didn't even attempt to answer on Tuesday. "If you had a chance to talk to Hannah, what would you say and why?" If I could talk to Hannah tonight, I would tell her that I am so proud of her. Because of the courage and grace with which she walked through her storm, lives are still being touched today. Because of her determination to bring glory to God, He is still being glorified today. Because of what we perceive to be her early departure to Heaven, we now live with an eternal perspective. And it's because of that eternal perspective that we can celebrate the true meaning of this season with JOY in our hearts. We pray that you will do the same.

The Woman in My Driver's License Picture

I made my quadrennial (don't you love that word?) trip to our local revenue office last week to get my new driver's license. In Arkansas, your license expires every four years on your birthday. With my birthday falling on a Sunday this year, it almost slipped past me. Fortunately I remembered to go last Friday. I knew it wasn't going to be a good visit when I saw a sign taped to the door that said, "The office is short-handed today. Please forgive any delays." It wasn't like I could come back on another day, so I sighed, entered, took my number and sat down in a cold, hard folding chair among several impatient revenue office patrons. Number 54. They weren't kidding about being short-handed. There was just one guy behind the counter processing applications for new car tags, car tag renewals, and driver's license renewals. He was on Number 43, so I knew it would be a little while. These are the times when I really enjoy having an iPhone. I pulled it out and checked my email, my Facebook, the Drudge Report, and read a little bit on my Kindle app. As he got up into the lower 50's, I decided to pull out my current driver's license so I would be ready to go when Number 54 was finally called.

As I studied this little piece of plastic I'd been carrying around for the last four years, I was struck by the woman in the picture. She looked familiar, but I quickly realized that I didn't really know her anymore. This woman's eyes were happy and clear, and obviously hadn't shed many tears. Her smile was easy and bright, and clearly unforced. There were no lines around her eyes, and it was apparent that those eyes had seen very little pain and suffering. Her shoulders were erect, and obviously had never been bent over by grief. There was a lightness and a shallowness to her appearance, and on that December day in 2006, she was probably looking forward to going Christmas shopping for her two daughters after the hassle of getting her driver's license renewed. This was a woman who took pains to insulate herself from suffering. A woman who had never seen a bald, cancer-ridden child in person before; a woman who changed the channel when the St. Jude telethon came on TV; a woman who avoided talking to families who were dealing with cancer. After all, what did those things have to do with her? She was a woman who had no idea that her own child would be diagnosed with terminal cancer less than two years later.

The woman in the photo on my new driver's license is much more familiar to me. The eyes of this woman fill with tears several times a day most days; her smile doesn't come as easily and quickly as it once did; her shoulders often feel heavy with the weight of grief; and pain has carved a few lines into her face. But, you know what? She's a far better woman than the one in the picture from four years ago. Her faith has been shaken, and has not only stood the test, but grown stronger. God has multiplied her capacity for compassion, and given her a love and concern for the suffering that certainly never existed before. He has also given her an awareness of and an appreciation for His many blessings that has provided a depth of joy she's never known. He's given her sense of direction and purpose that didn't exist before. This woman has had a glimpse into eternity as her child stepped into Heaven before her very eyes, and her perspective on life has been forever changed.

The guy who took my picture at the revenue office on Friday never noticed that the two women represented by those photos were so very different...but I sure did.

Ten on the Tenth

OK, so Bethany and I finally got the tree up and the house decorated for Christmas this week. We decided to go "minimalist" this year, and rather than get everything out and have to deal with all the boxes and clutter, we just chose to display our favorite things. Thus, the inspiration for this month's "Ten on the Tenth". Here, in no particular order, are my ten favorite Christmas items.

1. Hannah and Bethany had the same Christmas stockings for years. Last year, I couldn't face the thought of using them, so I got Bethany a new one. It is just one symbol of the new traditions we started as a family last year. Notice the JOY stocking holder.

2. Here's an ornament that sweet Aunt Maria made for our tree last year...It says "Our Special Angel" on the other side...

3. Several years ago, Bethany surprised me on my birthday with a whole bunch of ornaments that look like candy. They all look good enough to eat, and I absolutely love them...especially because she picked every one out herself.

4. A precious friend sent me these photo ornaments in the mail the other day after reading my last post. What an amazing surprise that was! I got so much JOY from putting the girls' pictures in them and hanging them on the tree...

5. This adorable reindeer is actually a Christmas card holder. If you look up at the top, you can see a few cards are already in the slots. He has been a part of our Christmas tradition for probably about ten years now. He was handmade by a very dear friend, and he's one of the first things I bring up from the basement every year. The little Christmas Westie down at the bottom is Lacee's favorite decoration...

6. Bethany decided that the other "reindeer" in our living room needed to look festive for the season, so she took matters into her own hands. I'm not sure that this actually qualifies as a "Christmas item", but it sure made a cute picture...

7. My mother-in-law gave us this beautiful nativity set a couple of years ago at Christmas time. The detail in each piece is exquisite, and it's Bethany's job to set it up every year. She's way better at that sort of thing than I am.

8. This ornament was given to us at Hannah's visitation. I don't think I have to explain why it's one of my favorite Christmas items...

9. You've already seen the beautiful church my Dad made for me this year. I actually don't consider this a Christmas item...I plan to display it all year round.

10. I have to end with this one. I like to display it prominently, so that even amidst all the hustle and bustle, I'm reminded to keep the focus where it belongs...

Merry Christmas!

Are You Ready For Christmas Yet? Well...

Well, you can tell basketball season is underway by my lack of posts recently. I love basketball season, but it sure does keep us busy! Of course, we go to Bethany's games, but since Brad is the principal and I am the official scorekeeper, we end up going to ALL the games. It's a good kind of busy, though, and I am thankful for it.

That busy-ness is probably one reason why we haven't done any Christmas decorating at home yet. Well, that, and the fact that the decorator in the house (and I use that term VERY loosely), has not yet gotten into the Christmas mood. I am not one of these people who can make a magnificent Christmas centerpiece out of a random assortment of Q-tips, pipe cleaners, rubber bands, pine cones and metallic spray paint, like so many of my talented blogging friends can do. I am doing well just to get a few items up on my mantel that look semi-decent together. I'm just not good at that sort of thing, and I'm never very satisfied with the results. So Christmas decorating has always been somewhat of a chore for me.

Last year, our first Christmas without Hannah present, decorating was just downright painful. We did it, though, doing some things differently to make it a little bit easier...getting a real tree, buying some new ornaments, changing up some traditions. We were hosting the faculty and staff Christmas party at our house, so that was a good motivation to decorate.

This year, I'm happy to say that though it's still hard, it's not as painful. I just haven't been ready to do it yet. In years past, we would put up our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving...sometimes even on Thanskgiving afternoon. But I've decided I don't want to do that anymore. I want to truly experience and appreciate Thanksgiving before I move on to Christmas. I think that many times in the past, I tended to view Thanksgiving as simply a stepping stone into the Christmas season. From now on, I want to finish Thanksgiving before I start Christmas. This may not make sense to anyone but me...but that's just how I feel. Maybe it comes from the experience of living with a child who has terminal cancer...and the desire to get everything you can out of every day you are given.

So...my goal for this week is to prepare to celebrate Christmas. We have begun collecting items that say "Joy" on them to hang on our tree, and also to decorate Hannah's room with when Christmas is over. "Joy" was Hannah's middle name, and has so much meaning to us on so many different levels. I'm looking forward to adding to our "Joy" collection this year and in the years to come. Because, after all, isn't that what Christmas is all about...the JOY that only Jesus can give? Let's keep our focus on that JOY as we enter into the busy-ness of this season!

A Memorable Thanksgiving

This year, for the first time ever, we hosted the Sullivan/Persenaire Thanksgiving celebration at our home. My parents came, and so did Brad's parents, along with all of his siblings and their kids...Seventeen people in all. I cooked a 22 pound turkey, complete with stuffing, along with a broccoli and cheese casserole, and two pies. The rest of the family brought cornbread dressing, green bean bundles, corn casserole, tater tot casserole, sweet potato casserole, "pink stuff" (a Persenaire family tradition), and more desserts.

The whole day was made a little more interesting when a heavy rain storm moved through the area and knocked out the electricity. Yeah, the turkey was about half done at the time. We sat around and visited for about an hour, thinking surely the power would come back on soon...but it didn't! All the kids were already hungry, we still had about two hours more cooking to go, and the Cowboy Cookies I had set out as snacks were long gone by this time. What to do? Well, borrow your neighbor's oven, that's what! There was a large area without power, but we were apparently right at the edge of it, because our neighbors right up the road had power. Bethany texted her friend Stacey whose family was just leaving to go to her Grandma's house, and with their permission, we moved our giant turkey into their empty, and already warm, oven. Our electricity came back on about 45 minutes later, just in time to get all the sides heated up while the turkey was finishing. We sent the guys over to get the turkey, and by the time it was carved, everything else was hot and ready to serve. We couldn't have planned it any better. The meal was delicious, and the family fellowship was fantastic.

I also got a really fun surprise on Thanksgiving Day. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you may remember me writing a post titled "Old Grandpa's Church". You can read it here. In the post, I wrote about the church my Great Grandpa made for our family in 1965, the year I was born. I concluded the post by wondering if my Dad might make me one just like it for Christmas some day. Well, he started working on one not long after Christmas last year...I knew he'd been working on it, so it wasn't really a surprise...but I wasn't expecting to get it until Christmas! Look how pretty this little church is!

The top lifts off, just like the original, to reveal the handmade pews, pulpit, and organ inside. There is a music box that plays "Silent Night", it lights up, and the steeple lifts off and you can ring the bell.

The building of this church was truly a labor of love. My Dad's hands are gnarled and twisted with arthritis, yet he painstakingly labored over every detail. What a precious family heirloom this little church will be. Thanks Dad...I could not love it more!

This Thanksgiving holiday has been somewhat overshadowed by the illness of a very dear friend. She's been very, very sick, and just underwent her third abdominal surgery since November 16th today. Her husband has faithfully kept me informed about her condition, but it's been tough for me to just wait for each update to see how she is doing...such a helpless feeling. I've gotten a little bit of an idea of what it was like for the people who read our email updates and prayed for us while Hannah was sick. Please join me in praying for Laurie...for wisdom for her doctors, for peace of mind for her family, and for complete healing if that is His will for her.

Thankful...

I am so thankful for the opportunity we had to speak at the Arkansas Children's Hospital Hematology/Oncology Memorial Service on Sunday. What an amazing blessing it was! The service itself was beautifully done, culminating with a slideshow of pictures of the precious children whose lives have been lost to cancer in the past year while their parents lit candles in their memories. There were 28 of them...twenty-eight! That's too many kids dying of cancer! The heartbreak represented in that room was immeasurable. It was truly an honor and a privilege to be able to share our grief experiences and our faith with them, and I pray that God was glorified in the process.

I am thankful that this year I am looking forward to celebrating Thanksgiving with anticipation, and not with dread, like I was last year. We are hosting it at our house, and will have a house full of people tomorrow...grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins...I think it's going to be great! I'm so thankful that all of the "firsts" are behind us. As we start this round of "seconds", I can see that, by God's grace, it's going to be easier. This poem, from the Arkansas Children's Hospital "Good Mourning" Newsletter, pretty much says it all...


A Bereaved Thanksgiving
By Darcie Sims

It doesn’t seem to get any better…
But it doesn’t seem to get any worse either.
For that, I am thankful.

There are no more pictures to be taken…
But there are memories to be cherished.
For that, I am thankful.

There is a missing chair at the table…
But the circle of family gathers close.
For that, I am thankful.

The turkey is smaller…
But there is still stuffing.
For that, I am thankful.

The days are shorter…
But the nights are softer.
For that, I am thankful.

The pain is still there...
But it only lasts moments.
For that I am thankful.

The calendar still turns,
the holidays still appear,
And they still cost too much…
But I am still here.
For that I am thankful.

The room is still empty,
the soul still aches…
But the heart remembers,
For that, I am thankful.

The guests still come, the dishes pile up…
But the dishwasher still works.
For that, I am thankful.

The name is still missing, the words still unspoken…
But the silence is shared.
For that, I am thankful.

The snow still falls, the sled still waits,
and the spirit still wants to…
For that, I am thankful.

The stillness remains…
But the sadness is smaller.
For that, I am thankful.

The moment is gone…
But the love is forever.
For that, I am blessed: for that I am grateful…

Love was once (and still is)
A part of my being…
for that, I am living.
I am living…
and for that, I am thankful.

May your holidays be filled with reasons
to be thankful. Having loved and having
been loved is perhaps the most wondrous
reason of all.

Darcie Sims—1992

Skipping Church

Yes, it's Sunday morning, and I'm still in my pajama pants and a sweatshirt, sitting in front of my computer. I'm here by myself...Brad and Bethany went hunting yesterday, and Bethany shot at, but missed, a "monster buck". That's only the second time she's ever missed something she's shot at! They were going to come home from the camp after the Razorback game last night, but it was so late by the time the game was over (double overtime), and you know, that monster buck was still out there somewhere, so they decided to stay another night and hunt this morning. So, I felt that this was the perfect opportunity to have some alone time, where I could really focus and put the finishing touches on a presentation I've been working on.

And the timing is good, too, because we are giving the presentation this afternoon! Today is the day we will be speaking at the Arkansas Children's Hospital Hematology/Oncology Clinic memorial service. It is an annual event, where all the parents who have lost children to cancer at ACH in the past year get together for a time of remembrance.

We were asked to speak at this event several weeks ago, and I've had plenty of time to prepare. Yes, the last few weeks have been very busy, with basketball starting back up and Bethany being involved with a school play...but it's not like I haven't had time to work on this speech. It's just been a very difficult speech to write, knowing that our audience will be entirely made up of grieving families. I want to be so careful not to inadvertently add to anyone's pain (see my four recent blog posts about grief), but to be an encouragement to them, and to help them see that it does get better with time. I want to share our faith in God, yet not have anyone feel that we are shoving our beliefs on them. I want to share about the things God has taught us over the past 21 months, yet not come across as if we've got it all figured out, because we certainly don't!

I have spent a lot of time in prayer about the content of this speech. I'm not sure if I can really explain it very well, but when I write something like this (and even when I write on this blog sometimes), it's as if God won't give me the words to say until my heart is right, and ready to receive them. And sometimes, He only gives me a little bit at a time. And I can tell when I go off writing on my own...it comes off sounding stilted and often self-aggrandizing. That's how the writing of this Children's Hospital presentation has been...it has come to me in bits and pieces, I've written it in fits and starts, and it's taken awhile for it to come together into a coherent whole. So I got up early this morning, spent some time in prayer, and I believe this speech is now in a presentable form.

Now my prayer is simply for strength to make it through this speech emotionally. I have not been back to Arkansas Children's Hospital since the terrible day when we left there to go to the hospice center. I even get a queasy feeling in my stomach on the rare occasions that we've driven by it since that day. Not that all of my memories associated with ACH are bad...Some of my very best memories were made there...I can't really explain the effect it has on me. So just going there today will be emotional for me. Thankfully, the memorial service is not in the main building where we always went, so that will help. I believe some of the Hem/Onc Clinic staff will be at this service, and I am a little nervous about seeing them. We haven't seen Hannah's oncologist since the day we left, and that will be an emotional reunion as well. He and the nurses there loved our daughter, and we've missed seeing them.

Brad just called, and they're on their way home. No monster buck. Of course, you never get anything when you hunt on Sunday morning, isn't that right? That's what I've always heard anyway!

Thanks for your prayers for us, as always. I know there are many of you who pray for us often, and we are so appreciative of that. I can't help but feel that I'd rather be anywhere today other than this memorial service...Hannah should be here with us, and we should be getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving together this week. But she's not...she's where she was created to be...and while we're waiting to be reunited with her, we will seek to honor the Lord by living well and sharing what He's taught us through Hannah's life and death.

Ten on the Tenth

Let's take a break from some of the heavy topics we've been discussing lately, and do something that some of my way cooler than me blogging friends do...Ten on the Tenth! As best as I can tell, Ten on the Tenth works like this...On the tenth of each month, you make a list of ten things that fit into some type of category. So, in the spirit of good blogsmanship, here's my list of Ten Things I Love.

(Notice that I said "things", not "people", so this is not meant to be a list of people I love, although there are a couple of people who are a big part of the things I love. I've also decided not to include "food" on this list, because I think I can make that a topic for the tenth of some other month....although I may have difficulty narrowing that list down to just ten things!)

Ten Things I Love (In No Particular Order):

1. My iPhone. And not because I like to talk on the phone, because I don't. There are just so many other things about my iPhone to love, like my Kindle app, my Facebook app, my FOX News app, my ESV Bible app, my Skype app, my Weather Channel app...I could go on and on. And I do enjoy texting...I'd much rather text than talk.

2. Contemporary Christian Music. You name the artist, I probably have at least one of his/her/their albums on the aforementioned iPhone. I have a very wide range of CCM interests, from TobyMac to Chris Tomlin to Casting Crowns to Switchfoot to Skillet to Stellar Kart to Brandon Heath and everything in between. I pretty much love it all. When I'm at home alone, driving in the car, walking on the treadmill...wherever I'm at...I have music playing.

3. Storms. I love a good thunderstorm. I get all excited when storms are in the forecast, and am always disappointed if they don't happen. The louder the thunder and the brighter the lightning, the better! I think I'll become a storm chaser when I grow up!

4. Pajama pants. I love the rare evening when I can come home from work and change straight from my dress pants into my pajama pants. I'm pretty tall, so I've always had problems getting pajama pants long enough...I do not love feeling a breeze on my ankles! Fortunately, my even taller sister-in-law introduced me to a company called Long Elegant Legs, which actually makes pajama pants which are too long for me. But hey, I'm not complaining! Too long is better than too short!

5. Evenings at home. The kind of evening where I can put on my pajama pants and warm socks when I get home from work and not take them off until I go to bed. The kind of evening where there is nowhere else we have to be, no responsibilities to fulfill, nothing else we have to do. A fire in the fireplace and a good book on my Kindle make these evenings even better! The rarity of these evenings during this season in our life makes me appreciate them even more.

6. Watching Bethany play basketball. If we can't be at home for the evening, the next best thing is sitting in the stands cheering the Magnet Cove Lady Panthers to victory. Actually, I'm not usually in the stands, I'm sitting at the scorer's table keeping the book, which makes it a little hard to actually cheer, but hey, I'm still loving every minute of it!

7. Bath & Body Works hand soap. B&BW makes the best-smelling hand soap there is, and I get all excited about trying the new scents when they come out. Every once in awhile, I'll decide that it's silly to spend the extra money just for soap, and I'll try something cheaper. But it's just not the same...So, I watch for coupons and B&BW sales, and stock up when I can!

8. Falling leaves and sprouting leaves. Maybe that's two things, but since they both have to do with leaves, I'm going to count them as one thing. I love watching the leaves fall in the autumn (especially when I'm walking or driving through them) and I love seeing the new leaves grow in the spring. Maybe it's really the change of seasons that I love. Yes, I think that's it. I'm glad I live in a state with four distinct seasons, because I really enjoy each one.

9. Calendars. I actually have a rather curious obsession with calendars. I get downright giddy about choosing calendars for the new year...and yes, I said "calendars" plural. I have multiple calendars in my house. Embarrassed mumbling now...I even have one in my bathroom. (Stop laughing, Mom.) I bought a new planner for 2011 at the Christian bookstore the other day, and I was ridiculously excited about it. There's just something about turning the page on an old month (or year) and starting a new one that I really like. Yes, I know I'm really a dork at heart.

10. Shopping with my Mom. I love to shop with my Mom, even though we don't usually shop "together". Oh, we go together...we love to go to Springfield or Branson, Missouri, on our shopping trips, but as soon as we get there, we split up. "Meet you at noon", we'll say, and off we go to our various favorite stores. I hit the stores that sell calendars and contemporary Christian music, and she hits the stores that sell purses. Quite often, we'll run into each other at Bath & Body Works checking out the new varieties of hand soap, but then we'll split up again. We meet for lunch, and then split up again for the afternoon. Then, on our way home, we'll stop for some sort of decadent ice cream treat. It doesn't matter how many calories they contain, because, after all, we worked hard shopping all day! (And, there are no husbands there to see us eating them, so the calories don't count, right?) When we finally get home, we show each other all our purchases and tell each other what great bargains we got. She'll exclaim over my calendars and I'll ooh and ahh over her purses, and we'll start planning our next trip.

So there are Ten Things I Love on the Tenth of November. That was actually really fun...I like this Ten on the Tenth Thing. Hmmm....What will my topic be for December.......

Final Thoughts On Grief...

OK, so we're finally coming to the end of my seemingly endless blogging on grief. Whew! I don't know about you, but it's been kind of a rough series of posts for me. I've just learned so much over the last couple of years...things that I had absolutely no idea about before...and I've wanted to share it all. As I said when I started all of this (please read the last three posts if this is your first visit to this blog), I just don't think we spend enough time talking about grief, especially in our churches, when we are surrounded by people slogging their way through it.

So, back to Nancy Guthrie's four needs of grieving people:

• They have intense sadness that is lonely and lingering and needs to be respected.


• They have significant questions that need to be answered in light of Scripture.


• They have broken relationships that need to be healed.

And finally,

• They have a deep desire to discover some meaning and purpose in their loss.

Once again, I think she's right on with this one. It has made a huge difference to us that we've been able to actually see God's purpose being fulfilled through Hannah's death. I think we've been particularly blessed in that regard due to the fact that Hannah actually prayed for a storm in order to give God glory and to bring others closer to Him. We've seen her prayer answered over and over again, and it continues to be answered even today.

I really believe there is some purpose in every loss...we sometimes just have to look a lot harder to see it. I don't believe that God does things randomly. Now, we may not find that purpose until we get to Heaven someday...and we may have to learn to live with that. He didn't promise us answers, but He did promise us Himself.

I think that Nancy could have added a subpoint under this one, but she didn't...so I will. Here it is.

• They have a deep desire that their loved one be remembered.

You know, when an elderly person dies, they leave behind a legacy. They have children, grandchildren, maybe even great grandchildren...all of whom carry their DNA. They've had a lifetime to build relationships with others, and their influence in life may have been very widespread. Long after they leave this earth, their legacy lives on through their descendants and the people they've influenced during their long lifetime.

When a child dies, there is none of that. That child will never have a single descendant; their relationships have been few; and their circle of influence has been limited. After they leave this earth, their parents, siblings, extended family members and close friends are still filled with their memories, but not many others.

This is why so many bereaved parents start foundations, establish scholarships, or launch ministries following the death of their children. They have a deep desire not only for their child to be remembered, but also to bring good out of a tragic situation. Just a few great projects that have sprung up out of immense grief are the following: Keep the Faith, Kamo's Kids, and Vincent & Annabella's Garden. God has a way of bringing beauty out of ashes, but we must be willing to let Him use our sorrow for His purposes.

We've been so grateful that He's allowed us numerous opportunities to share His glory through Hannah's story, and that He's brought the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry into being as a result of our experiences with cancer. We are particularly excited about two things that He is doing right now.

We have been asked to speak at the Arkansas Children's Hospital Hematology/Oncology Memorial Service on Sunday, November 21st. This is an annual service that is held for families who have lost children to cancer over the past year. I must say that I am thrilled and terrified about this opportunity all at the same time. Thrilled, because I am looking forward to sharing what God has taught us over the past 20 months, but terrified at the thought of being back at Children's Hospital. I have not been back there since the day Hannah was rolled out of there on our way to the hospice center. It will be a difficult day emotionally, so prayers would be greatly appreciated!!

We are also excited about a new venture that God has placed on our hearts. I don't want to disclose too many details yet, because it is all still coming together, but we have been meeting with another bereaved couple about it, and it is very apparent that God is at work. That's all I'm going to say about it right now, but I will share more when I'm able. We would also appreciate prayers about this project, even though I'm not going to tell you what it is at this point. Just please pray that God will keep His hand upon it, that we will follow His leadership, and that He will bring it together according to His will.

Thanks for sticking with me through this whole series on grief. I've often said that even if I knew nobody else ever read it, I'd continue to write this blog simply because it helps me so much. I am thankful that there are people who read it, though, and it always makes my day when I hear from someone that something I wrote helped them in some way. It's humbling, too, and even a little bit scary to know that so many people read what I write. I pray that I will always be careful to follow God's leadership as I write. And thank YOU for your faithful prayers in that regard!!

Even More Thoughts On Grief...

Picking up where we left off.....(Please read the last two posts if you're new to this blog).....I'd like to share more about our experience with grief after losing our daughter to cancer a little over 20 months ago. Again, credit goes to Nancy Guthrie and Greg Laurie for the basic outline of these thoughts.

According to Nancy, grieving people have four primary needs. In my last two posts, I discussed the first two:

• Grieving people have intense sadness that is lonely and lingering that needs to be respected.


• Grieving people have significant questions that need to be answered in light of Scripture.

Now, for the third:

• Grieving people have broken relationships that need to be healed.

A crisis or grief situation can cause enormous stress within a family, and in outside relationships as well. Again, my comments on this topic are those of a bereaved parent, since that is the only kind of grief I'm familiar with.

Have you ever heard the statistic that 75% (or 85% or 90%!) of couples divorce after the death of a child? I certainly had...and then I was actually reminded of it by a few "helpful" people after Hannah went to Heaven. But did you know that that statistic is a myth? Recent studies show that the divorce rate for bereaved couples is actually BELOW the national average! If you don't believe me, google it! A 2006 study by The Compassionate Friends (the nation's largest self-help bereavement organization for families) actually shows that only 16% of bereaved couples divorce. Who knew?

Now, that's not to say that there are not stresses on a marriage resulting from the death of a child (especially if the marriage is already strained before the loss). There certainly are...not the least of which is the fact that husbands and wives tend to grieve differently. Brad and I certainly do, and it requires a great deal of patience and understanding to allow each other the space and time to do so. There are times when we might wonder if our spouse will ever be the same...and you know what? They probably won't! Losing a child is a life-transforming experience...Neither spouse will ever be the same. But that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. If we allow Him, God can use our experiences to change us for the better, and to bring us into an even stronger relationship with Him and with our spouses. In one of her books, Nancy Guthrie describes the relationship between bereaved spouses as that of two wounded soldiers, limping off the battlefield, leaning heavily on each other, basically holding each other up as they are walking. Now that's a word picture I can relate to!

Relationships with extended family can also become strained, as expectations regarding holidays, family gatherings, birthdays, etc., can become a source of stress. Often, grieving families want to start completely new traditions, and extended family members may not understand. They are grieving, too, and sometimes just don't know how they can help their hurting loved ones navigate these difficult waters. Some bereaved families choose to just "skip Christmas" or other holidays for a year or so. We didn't skip Christmas last year (though we considered it!), but we did do some things differently, because some of our family traditions were just too painful. I'm chafing a little bit at the Christmas displays I'm already seeing at Wal-Mart...We just work at surviving one holiday at a time these days. Hannah's birthday is behind us...we tackle Thanksgiving next...I'll start thinking about Christmas after that.

Then there are those people outside of the grieving family...the people who love them, who are concerned about them, and who desperately want to say something to make them "feel better." These people are well-meaning, and have only the family's best interest at heart. But...some of the things they say can hurt. Or even if they don't really hurt, at best they're not helpful. Here's a list of some rather "unhelpful" things that people commonly say to grieving people:

• "I understand what you're going through." (Unless you really, truly do...if, for example, you've also had a child who died of cancer. And even then, nobody REALLY understands another person's grief.)
  


• "He/She is in a better place." (Yes, I'm glad Hannah is in a better place...but I really wish she was still here with us!)
  


• "It's a good thing you have another child." (Ummm...No comment.)
  


• "God always picks His best flowers first." (What does that even mean?)
  


• "God must have needed him/her more than you did." (But couldn't He have left him/her here for a little longer? I really needed him/her, too!)
  


• "God must have wanted another angel in Heaven." (I'm really not sure this one passes theological muster. I don't think Hannah is an angel...I believe she is far superior to the angels.)
  


• "How are you doing?"...followed by a hand on your arm and a compassionate look deep into your eyes with the follow-up question..."But how are you REALLY doing?" (Especially if you are in a public place...that second question can often lead to the release of a lot of pent-up emotion that the person may not wish to share with everyone.) Let me also say...If you are a very close friend or family member of the grieving person, you are in a private place, and you are prepared for an honest response, it's okay to ask these questions.

Then there's the other extreme...the avoiders. I understand this group very well, because I have been (and still kind of am) one of them. These are the folks who see a grieving family coming down the church hallway or down the aisle at Wal-Mart, and suddenly realize that they need to go to the bathroom, or remember that there was something they forgot to pick up in another aisle. I know this because I've done it!! I've done it for two different reasons...one was that I simply didn't know what to say and was afraid of saying something wrong, and the other was that I was afraid I might start crying, choke up, and not be able to say anything at all. Did you catch that both reasons involved being afraid? I really think that's the root of the avoidance issue.

Some grieving families are very hurt by the fact that people avoid them, or may spend time with them, but avoid the subject that they most want to talk about. For me, personally, this has not been a problem, because I understand the avoiders so well. For many people, though, this can be a source of great pain and lead to broken relationships.

I hope you're not beating yourself up right now and thinking, "Oh no! I've been doing (or saying) everything wrong for my grieving friend or family member!" Please don't do that! As Paul would say, "I am the chief" of wrongdoers in this area, and only learned better through the death of my own child. I still slide back into my avoiding habits from time to time...Thankfully, God is still working on me.

So, what's the "right" thing to do when you encounter a grieving person or family? I think a lot depends on how well you know the person. If they are just an acquaintance or someone you have a relatively shallow relationship with, it is probably best to say something like, "I'm sorry about what happened. I'm praying for you." This is highly preferable to "How are you doing?" because it doesn't require a response from the grieving person. If you knew the person who passed away, a brief word about what they meant to you might be appropriate. If you're in a private setting, you might share a little more deeply about what the person meant to you, but be careful about doing this in public settings. It may be more than the grieving person can handle at that particular moment. Honestly, particularly early on in my grief, when I was in public...church, a football game, work...sometimes I was just trying to make it through the event. I would walk through a crowd thinking to myself, "Please don't stop me to talk about Hannah, please don't stop me to talk about Hannah, please don't stop me to talk about Hannah." I knew that if somebody did, I would totally lose it. A brief "I'm praying for you" or a quick hug, I could handle, but not much more than that. Your prayers are absolutely the best gift you can give to a grieving person.

If you know the person well...just love them. Spend time with them. Let them talk. Don't be afraid to bring up the person who has died...I can promise you they're already thinking about them anyway! Allow them to share their questions and struggles without judging. Give them space to work through their emotions, and don't expect them to get over it quickly. Be prepared to spend a lot of time listening, and refrain from attempting to "fix" them. Only God can do that!

I'm almost done...Just a couple more thoughts to share...I promise!

Take a few moments to talk to your children about how to help people who are grieving, especially if you know of a situation they may be encountering with a friend or classmate. When Bethany returned to school a few days after Hannah's funeral, she was met with the following comments from fellow students: "I know just how you feel...my dog died last week." "Hey, I heard your sister kicked the bucket." "How come your sister had to die on my birthday?" I'm not kidding. Her classmates actually said these things to her. Please, please talk to your kids.

Sometimes grieving people have a hard time returning to church after their loss. There are a variety of reasons for this. The memories make it hard...If you've been accustomed to sitting together as a family in church, it can be extraordinarily difficult to come back without one of your family members. Oh, how I miss hearing Hannah singing next to me. The music makes it hard...Music can always trigger emotion, especially when you're grieving. And some of those praise songs can be hard to sing when your heart is heavy and your faith is shaken. The people make it hard (although they don't mean to!)...a grieving person can sometimes feel like they're in a fishbowl, and that everyone is watching them to see "how they're doing." The sermons can make it hard...some messages (particularly those about families) can be difficult for a grieving person to hear. Finally, the expectations make it hard...We tend to have a certain expectation for how people are supposed to behave at church. We dress ourselves up, pick up our Bibles, and put on our smiles. I'll be honest...sometimes it's just too much effort to keep that smile on for two (or more) straight hours. If a grieving person or family doesn't return to church right away after their loss, it may be that they are just not ready to face all of that yet.

I actually started writing this post three days ago. (I'm sorry if it feels like you started reading it three days ago :-) !) I never intended for it to be this long. I've actually lost sleep over this post...waking up early, early in the mornings and thinking about what I wanted to share. My intention is not to criticize or make anyone feel bad about something they've said to a grieving person. And I certainly can't speak for all grieving people...many of them might feel completely differently than I do about some of these things. I can only share from my own experience. And my hope and prayer in sharing all of this is that it will open your eyes and give you a better understanding of those of us who grieve.

Finally...If you are someone who is grieving, and your heart has been broken by something that someone has (or hasn't) said, let me share one last thought with you. The day I started this post, I stopped by our local Christian bookstore to pick up a new 2011 planner, and found a neat little flip calendar for my desk. It's called "Rain on Me: Daily Moments of Hope and Encouragement" by Holley Gerth. When I sat down at my desk to start writing this blog, I opened up that calendar to November 4th, and this is what it said,

"If people have said things to you in God's name that have wounded you deeply, if you sit in the pew on Sunday morning and feel utterly alone in your pain, if you have been hurt by the very ones intended to heal you--then please know that is not God's desire for you. We are imperfect people, and we are capable of tearing each other apart in ways that break our Heavenly Father's heart."

How cool is that? On the very day I sit down to write about grieving people having broken relationships, that is what my brand new calendar says. Someone must have needed to hear that. Our Heavenly Father grieves with us, and some day, He will set all things right.

More Thoughts On Grief...

In today's post, I want to share some more thoughts about grief. If this is your first visit to my blog, you might want to read my last post to get an idea where I'm going with this and why. Again, I want to give credit to books and interviews by Nancy Guthrie and Greg Laurie for the basic framework of this series of posts.

Nancy stated in an interview with the Gospel Coalition Blog on August 4, 2010, that grieving people have four primary needs. After countless discussions with bereaved parents, and through our own experience after losing our daughter to cancer, we've found her statements to be very accurate.

In my last post, I shared the first need:

• Grieving people have lingering sadness that is lonely and lingering that needs to be respected.

Today, I want to share her second point, and discuss it in light of our experience.

• Grieving people have significant questions that need to be answered in light of Scripture.

As I've stated before, I've been in church basically my entire life. But until my teenaged daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I was quite content to stay in the shallow end of the theological pool. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I had ever even learned how to swim...I really think I was still sitting in an inner tube wearing floaties. Not really a pretty picture of a 41-year-old woman!

But when that diagnosis came, I suddenly found myself in the deep end of the pool with a hole in my inner tube and the floaties stripped away. I'm so thankful that even though I'd never really had to apply them, I'd been getting "swimming lessons" my entire life. I could at least dog paddle, I knew the Master Lifeguard, and I had access to all of His written swimming lessons. I knew where to turn for help.

But, still, there were questions...deep questions that were not easily answered.

Why does a 16-year-old girl who is serving the Lord get cancer?

If God is a God of love, why doesn't He heal my child?

Why pray, when God's going to do what He's going to do anyway?

Does God even care about what happens to our family?

You may remember that we went to a Respite Retreat with other bereaved couples over Labor Day weekend. We spent hours and hours just sitting around and talking. There were no shallow conversations at that retreat...all of us were navigating the deep end of the pool, and that's what we wanted to talk about.

A common experience of bereaved parents is that they no longer enjoy "small talk." Who has time to talk about the weather, or the latest ball game, or even politics (make sure you vote today!) when there are life and death issues to discuss?! One of the moms at the retreat exclained, "I love it here! Everywhere else we go people want to talk about Kindergarten, and we want to talk about Calculus!" I knew exactly what she meant.

I still don't have all the answers to my deep theological questions. But there are a few things I know:

God is good, He is in control, and He's working out His plan. Sin, evil, cancer, death...all of these things will come to an end in His perfect time.

God is God, He sees the big picture, and He has a purpose in everything that happens (even if I don't like it...okay, even if I hate it!)

God is sovereign, and He can be trusted. I don't have to understand everything, I just have to rest in the knowledge of His care.

These are the kinds of things that grieving people need to be assured of. Don't try to answer all their questions with "Sunday School" answers, but listen to their questions without judging. Love them, pray for them, and gently guide them to the Master Lifeguard.

Some Thoughts on Grief...

You know, I've been attending church for my entire life. My parents made sure we were there every time the doors were open. Sure, when I went to college, there were some Sundays that I attended Boxsprings Baptist (an old OBU joke), but for the most part, I was in church. As often as we've moved since we've been married, we've always made finding a church home a priority. So over the years, I've been in literally hundreds of church services, Bible studies, and Sunday School classes.

And in all those years, I've never heard a single sermon or Sunday School lesson on grief. Until the death of my daughter in February 2009, I didn't know ANYTHING about grief. I had never learned anything about it at church, and I certainly had never experienced it. I had never lost anyone close to me...grandparents, yes, but grandparents are "supposed" to die. I had no idea what it was like to be deeply, achingly sad. I also had no idea how many sad people there were around me. I've learned a lot over the last couple of years.

So, when Brad and I were asked to share with the deacon body at our church last week, we knew right away what we wanted to talk about...grief. And who needs to know more about ministering to grieving people than the deacons? It was the perfect opportunity to share some of what we've learned.

I'd like to share some of that presentation with you over the next few posts. Many of the thoughts I'm going to share originate with Nancy Guthrie and Greg Laurie, both of whom have lost children. I'll also be adding lots of our own experiences and stories. My goal is to be as transparent and honest as possible, to try to give you a window into our grief. I'll be writing from the perspective of a grieving parent, because that's the only kind of grief I know. My prayer is that God will use something I write to help you personally, if you find yourself in a season of sorrow, or that He will provide you with some sort of insight to help a grieving friend or loved one.

In a recent interview, Nancy Guthrie discussed four needs that grieving people share. The first was this:

• They have intense sadness that is lonely and lingering and needs to be respected.

Here's how ignorant I used to be about grief...I honestly thought that when someone lost a loved one, they were really sad for awhile...maybe about six months or so...and then they just kind of got over it. I had no idea how long it takes to work through grief (and it is work!). It's been twenty months since Hannah left for Heaven, and we are definitely not "over it", nor do I think we ever will be. Greg Laurie describes losing his son as somewhat similar to the amputation of a limb. The wound from an amputation heals over time, but your limb is never restored. Unlike a broken leg, which heals and allows you to return to normal life, an amputation changes your life forever.

The intense sadness of grief tends to come in waves. Sometimes the waves are fairly gentle and can be ridden out, and sometimes they are tsunamis that suck you down, spin you around, and leave you gasping for breath. Depending on the status of those waves, you may see the grieving person smiling and doing "fine", or you may see them doubled over in tears. You can't make assumptions on how a person "is doing" based on what you see at any given moment. Because in the very next moment, things could change.

We need to respect a person's need to grieve by giving them the time and space to do so. The person may not be able to return to their normal activities right away....or they might. They might find comfort in returning to a routine. They may want to talk about their loss...or they may not. Think back to the story of Job in the Bible. His friends sat with him in complete silence for seven days...things fell apart when they opened their mouths! Unless you are a very close friend or family member, don't ask them, "How are you doing?" That is an incredibly difficult question for a grieving person to answer. For one thing, the answer could vary widely depending on the status of the waves at that particular moment. And, there is no simple answer to that question. Don't ask it unless you have plenty of time to sit and listen to what might be a brutally honest response.

Saying "Let me know if you need anything" isn't particularly helpful either. Someone who is going through an intense period of grief may not be emotionally able to ask for the help they need. It is much better to figure out what their needs are and take steps to meet them. A wonderful neighbor took care of our dog when we spent long days at the hospital. People brought food to the extended family staying at our house while we were at the hospice center in Little Rock. There was a hot meal waiting on our kitchen counter the evening we arrived home after saying our final good-byes to Hannah. Dear friends collected pictures and personal items of Hannah's and arranged them beautifully at the visitation and funeral. I could never have done that on my own. We didn't ask for any of these things...people just obeyed the Holy Spirit's promptings and did them. And while a grieving person may forget a lot of things...these kinds of things are never forgotten!

Grieving people need time, space, and "permission" to be sad. That sadness may last awhile. And that's okay.

More to come in a future post...

Hannah's Birthday In Pictures

The breakfast of champions...Hannah's favorite, home-made Mississippi Mud Cake (no nuts). I could absolutely eat myself into oblivion with this stuff. Good thing I only make it once a year.

Bethany and I decided to play hooky from work and school. She was our driver for the day.

Our first stop...the Wal-Mart in Jessieville to buy roses. Bethany just had to take this picture out of her window in the parking lot. If this woman only knew that she was providing us some much-needed comic relief!

We finally arrived at our destination.

Our rose petals...

Spreading the petals...

After spending some time letting the tears flow, we decided to snap a few pictures...


She figured out how to set the timer on the camera, so we got some pictures together. In case you're wondering...Our shirts say, "I wear gray for my daughter" and "I wear gray for my sister". Gray is the color for brain cancer awareness, just as pink is the color for breast cancer awareness.


...And she took some pictures of me. I've shared on this blog before about my extremely strained relationship with Hannah's grave. As a matter of fact, yesterday was the first time I've stood beside her grave since her last birthday. I still am not comfortable there...I still don't like being there...but yesterday, I believe I took the first step toward making peace with her grave.

We finally started home, but made a couple of stops on the way. Given our affinity for taking pictures in the middle of roads, we just had to stop and take a couple of pictures here...


We considered all the possible reasons why these lines look like this...Did the line painting truck driver have a little too much caffeine that morning? Did he let his kid drive the truck for a little while? Is this section of road sitting on top of a fault line? We don't know the answer, but we had a lot of fun thinking about it! Our other stop was at the Sonic in Hot Springs Village.

Mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce...

...And two cherry vanilla Diet Cokes, please!

I really couldn't believe it...but we actually had fun on our trip to visit Hannah's grave! How can that be? Only by the grace of God...and by the knowledge that she is NOT THERE!

We weren't home for long, when it was time to head to the Casting Crowns concert. As we were getting ready to go, a wonderful young couple from our church called us. They had won backstage passes in a contest on Twitter, and wanted to give them to us. They knew Hannah's story, and how Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns, had called to encourage us during Hannah's last few days at the hospice center in Little Rock. They also knew it was her birthday, and they wanted to bless us in this way.

Here's Bethany with Mark and some of the band:

And here are all of us...


These are some of the most down-to-earth, sincere people you'd ever want to meet. We spent several minutes visiting with them and sharing some more of Hannah's story with them. We also got to meet Lindsey McCaul, an up-and-coming Christian artist who opened for Casting Crowns last night.

You know, God really is good all the time. As we listened to Casting Crowns sing "Praise You in the Storm", we were reminded again of our commitment to praise the God who gives and takes away. And it is a commitment...One that needs to be made again and again. When I find myself feeling cheated because I'm buying rose petals instead of birthday presents, I need that reminder. When I find myself becoming angry that I'm sitting on the grass beside my daughter's grave instead of sitting beside her on her bed in her dorm room, I need that reminder. And when the tears roll down my cheeks, like they've done so often in the last couple of years, these are the lyrics I need to remember:

"And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm".

Pretty powerful stuff. And just what we needed to close out our daughter's 19th birthday. And even as I breathe a sigh of relief that October 22nd won't come around again for a whole year, my heart overflows with the many blessings of yesterday. Yes, God IS good all the time.