Thoughtful Thursday -- A Few Random Thoughts

Just a few random thoughts from the past couple of weeks to share ...

1.  The While We're Waiting ministry was the beneficiary of a wonderful fund raiser held in Fort Smith, Arkansas, this past weekend.  What an honor it was to participate in Lei Lei's 5K Run and Memory Walk, held annually in memory of Leightyn Holmes, a precious 5-year-old girl who died of brain cancer in August of 2010.  Her parents, Landen and Missy, were among the brave souls who attended our very first retreat for bereaved parents.  Thanks to the generosity of the Holmes family, some great sponsors, and a very enthusiastic crowd of runners and walkers, the While We're Waiting ministry received a little over $10,000!  As a ministry that relies solely on donations, I can't tell you how much that gift meant to us!

2.  The day after the 5K, we had the privilege of speaking at Immanuel Baptist Church in El Dorado.  That was really a special opportunity for us, because that was our home church for five years.  That's the church where our girls spent their mid-childhood years, and where they were both saved and baptized.  We shared ten things that God has been teaching us over the past five years (trimmed down a bit from my 14 Things I Wish I'd Known Five Years Ago post), and were able to talk about the While We're Waiting ministry.  We love opportunities like this and are always happy to share!

3.  Prior to our trip to south Arkansas, we were contacted by a reporter for the El Dorado News-Times who wanted to write a story about While We're Waiting.  I had a really nice visit with her on the phone, and we were very pleased when we read the article.  Imagine our surprise when friends around Arkansas began contacting us and telling us they had read the article in their hometown newspapers!  Then my sister-in-law texted me a link to the article ... in a Belleville, Illinois, newspaper!  Apparently, the article had been picked up by the AP, and it appeared in newspapers around the country ... in Alaska, California, North Carolina, Missouri, etc.!  We were blown away ... What a great way to get the word out about While We're Waiting!  Want to read the article?  Click here to read it in the Kansas City Star.

4.  While We're Waiting is going to be hosting its first Bereaved Parents Weekend "on the road."  We are bringing our retreat to Carriere, Mississippi.  For more information, click the "While We're Waiting Weekend Retreat for Bereaved Parents" tab above.  We are so excited about this opportunity, and would love to have more opportunities to take this ministry on the road.  If you would like to talk to us about bringing a Parents' Weekend, a Dads' Weekend, or a Moms' Mini-Retreat to your area, click on the "Contact Me" tab above.

So there's a lot of exciting stuff going on with While We're Waiting right now.

There's also a lot of exciting stuff happening on the home front!

1.  As of today, Bethany has completed her first year of college!  She took her last final this morning, packed up her dorm room and headed home.  She has studied so hard and done so well this year ... I'm extremely proud of her!

2.  And, as of today, she is 17 days away from becoming Mrs. Bird!  Wait ... What?  17 DAYS!?!?  Oh my goodness ... I better get off this computer and get busy, lol!

Seriously, I am going to get off the computer for awhile.  I'm planning to take a hiatus from the blog for the rest of the month, so I can be fully present with my girl as she spends her last couple of weeks at home.  I don't want to miss a moment!  I'll be back when I'm a mother-in-law, and I'm sure I'll have lots to share.  Thank you all who take the time to read my posts.  You all are an encouragement to me!

Tell About It Tuesday -- A Surprise In My Mailbox!

When my girls were younger, I always enjoyed watching Blues Clues with them.  I loved how the show encouraged the kids not to just watch passively, but to actually get involved.  And my favorite part was how excited Steve would get about mail time every day ...

I could totally relate to Steve.  As far back as I can remember, I've always gotten excited about the mail.  Of course, back when ALL correspondence came through the mail, it was a little more exciting.  These days, most of my communication with people is online, and my mailbox is generally just full of junk mail and bills.  But still, there's always that feeling of anticipation when I open my mailbox ... there just might be something fun and exciting in there!  Even though there usually isn't (lol), it's something I look forward to every day.

Last Wednesday, I opened up my mailbox with my usual tingle of anticipation, and for once, I was not disappointed!  In amongst the junk mail from politicians and a couple of bills, there was an envelope addressed to While We're Waiting.  The address was handwritten, and a quick glance at the upper left corner revealed that it had traveled to my mailbox all the way from Cincinnati, Ohio.  I ripped it open and pulled out a two-page, typewritten letter.

I could tell from the salutation that this was not going to be a read-it-in-the-driveway kind of letter ... this was going to be a sit-down-and-savor-it kind of letter.  So I carried it into the house and sat down at my kitchen table. 

Here's what it said ...

"Dear Followers of Christ,

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $450.00 that we would like to pass on to your awesome ministry.

Last month my wife and I, along with another couple, rented a home down in Florida for a week.  We rented the home because both of our daughters play fast-pitch softball on the same collegiate team here in Cincinnati, and they had games scheduled for a week in that general area.  By sharing the home together, of course, we could split the cost to save money.  My wife and I were excited about the trip as it also gave us a chance to be with each other, plus watch our daughter compete.  As the trip grew nearer, a co-worker of mine loaned me a book called "Fearless."  He told me that he thought I would enjoy it so I was ready to start it once we got down to Florida.

The evening of the third day while in Florida, my wife Holly received an email from the owners of the home.  We were shocked at the contents, as it started out by saying, "This is no joke, this is not a prank, and we are not trying to scam you in any way."  It went on to say that they wanted to show an act of kindness by refunding all of the money back to our credit card and hoped we enjoyed their home the rest of the week free of charge!  I looked at my wife in disbelief, as did the other couple.  Holly then went right to our credit card automatically thinking we were being scammed and to her amazement all the money had been put back on our credit card.  As two couples, we sat down shaking our heads about what had just happened to us.  Right away though I said there is no way Holly and I can just take that money back because it's not our nature.  The other couple agreed so we sent back an email explaining that we would like to donate the money to their favorite charity or organization.  They quickly responded back that they did not have one, and for us to just enjoy the remainder of the week.  The other couple decided then what they would do with their returned money as Holly and I pondered our thoughts.

About three or four days after we returned home to Cincinnati I completed my book, "Fearless."  I walked out into our family room and told my wife about a guy named Adam Brown.  I cannot put into words how that book talked to me as a man, son, husband, father, friend, and follower of Christ.  I told my wife that God gave me time and patience to finish the book so He could speak to me.  When I was shown God's wonderful love at work inside "While We're Waiting," I knew this is where He wanted the money to end up at.

One last thing, I wanted to give you the name and address of the person who is responsible for this donation, as you see it never really was ours in the first place.  God has blessed Holly and I with 30 years of marriage and three wonderful children.  He also placed me in a job that has given me so many personal rewards over the years.  God is good!"

This gentleman went on to give me the name and address of the person who owned the house they were renting.  

I was blown away.  What a cool story!  I was so humbled and grateful that these folks had chosen to pass their blessing on to While We're Waiting.  I immediately called our partners in this ministry, Larry & Janice Brown, about whose son the book "Fearless" was written, and shared the letter with them.  They were as excited and grateful as I was.   Then I sat down and wrote both the writer of the letter and the owner of the house lengthy thank you letters.  

I love surprises in my mailbox!    

Sing it with me ... "Here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me wanna wag my tail, when it comes I wanna wail, "MMMMAAAAIIIILLLL!"  ~Steve from Blues Clues

Thoughtful Thursday -- Aunt Bethany

Yesterday my daughter became an aunt.

Well, not really ... she won't be officially an aunt until she marries baby Benjamin's uncle next month ... but, hey, it's close enough.

This is a big deal.  Yes, babies are born every day, and young ladies become aunts.  But not this young lady.

You see, when she was a young teenager, her 17-year-old sister and only sibling, died of cancer.

Five years ago, I held her as she sobbed over the fact that she would never get to be an aunt.  Through my own tears, I tried to explain to her that maybe someday she would get married, and that maybe her husband would have a brother or a sister who would someday have a baby, so that maybe someday she'd still get to be an aunt.

"But no, that wouldn't be the same," she cried.  I had to admit she was probably right.  And over the years, as friends and teammates became aunts, she politely admired their baby nieces and nephews, privately mourning the fact that she would never be an aunt to her sister's children.

Well ... all those maybe somedays have now come to pass.  She's about to marry a young man who has an older brother and a precious wife (who has become like an older sister to Bethany), and yesterday little Benjamin was born.

Bethany and her fiance' drove all the way from Fayetteville to Hot Springs for his arrival.  The pictures say it all.

No, I suppose it's not the same.  But you know what?  It's pretty darn good.  And I can't help but think that Hannah is smiling down on these two young families ... one with a newborn baby, and one with an about-to-be newborn marriage.  And that makes this Mama's heart smile.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

Monday Mourning -- The Walk

Every time we have a While We're Waiting event, I come away with a new thought, concept, or perspective just from listening to the other moms and dads there.  In fact, there are usually quite a few new things I learn.  I keep a notebook in my lap and try to write these nuggets down, because my memory is completely unreliable these days.

This month's While We're Waiting Weekend was no exception.  I scribbled down several bits of wisdom I wanted to remember.  The thing that has stuck with me the most from that weekend, though, I didn't even write down.  In fact, I don't even remember who said it ... I think it was one of the dads, but I could be wrong!  But I will never forget what he (or she?) said.

He brought up Isaiah 40:31 and said that he always felt that the Scripture was a little bit backward.  He said it had always seemed to him that we walk first, then we run, then we fly.  But, since losing his child, he understood it differently.  That "walking" was last, because that was the hardest thing ... the daily walk of a bereaved parent.

Wow!  That was so profound to me.  I think that's why I didn't write it down ... I was sort of frozen in thought for a few moments.  What he (she? I wish I could remember!) said was so true.

I think that many of us who have lost children, especially those of us who are Christians, are able to fly for awhile after their deaths.  I mean, we have our faith, we have our church family supporting us ... and we have this "responsibility" to be a good witness to others in the midst of our suffering.  Hey, I'm just keeping it real!  After all, people are watching us, and we can't let God down by completely falling apart, at least in public, right?  I've got my tongue in my cheek here, but I know that many of you understand what I'm saying.  Seriously, there is a period of time when we are buoyed up by the love and prayers of family and friends, and God mercifully grants a numbness that can keep us soaring through those early days.

Eventually, the numbness begins to wear off, and we hit the ground.  At this point, though, we're still able to run.  People are still sensitive to our loss, and are still kindly (if somewhat awkwardly, at times) reaching out to us and praying for us.  Our kids are being talked about, maybe even honored, and that's a good feeling.  Maybe our faith has been shaken, but it's stood the test, and with God's help, we're still running the race.

As time continues to pass and everyone else goes back to their normal lives, enjoying vacations with their families, celebrating holidays and posting pictures of their smiling children on Facebook, and angrily complaining when McDonalds gives them regular Coke instead of Diet Coke at the drive-through ... that's when the walking begins.  Our friends and family assume that surely we are "over it" by now, and we seldom, if ever, hear our child's name spoken anymore.

And every day, every minute, we miss our child.  There's an unoccupied bedroom, an empty seat at the table, and a gaping hole in our hearts.  This is when the truly hard work of grief begins.  Reality has set in, and we are finally beginning to fully realize that life will never be the same.  It's the walk, the daily walk, that can be so very tough.  In fact, sometimes it's more like a trudge than a walk.

So how do we keep from fainting as we walk this rocky road of grief?  The first part of the verse gives us the answer ... We wait on the Lord and allow Him to renew our strength.  In fact, in the verses just prior to this one, we are assured that He Himself never grows tired or weary, and that He gives strength and power to the weary and the weak.

So maybe it's not backwards.  It makes sense to me when I think about it that way.  And that encourages me as I walk (and sometimes trudge) this road each day.

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:28-31

Thoughtful Thursday -- An Easter Epiphany

On Tuesday evening, Brad and I met in Hot Springs for a quick dinner before a Relay for Life team captains' meeting.  We went to our local Newk's restaurant for a sandwich and a salad, and seated ourselves in a booth.  We were enjoying a nice, quiet dinner when a family from our church came in with their two young children.

They seated themselves in the booth right behind ours.  We visited with them for a few minutes, talking about all the activities their kids were involved in.  Pretty soon their food came and we each turned back to our own tables.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help but hear a bit of their conversation.  It was sprinkled with phrases like, "Lean over your plate", "Be careful with that", and "Don't spill!"  I found myself internally shaking my head, remembering back to those days with our girls.  What a sweet young family they were.

And suddenly it hit me.  I had always thought of our family as one of the "young families" in our church.

But, you know what?  I don't think we qualify anymore.  Our kids are grown ... one's about to get married, and the one in Heaven would be 22 years old now.  And Brad and I are pushing fifty.

We've become one of those "middle-aged couples" that I used to look at (back when we really were a "young family") and wonder what it would be like when our kids were grown.

I'm pretty sure that means nothing to anybody but me, but for me, it was an epiphany of sorts.  A realization that we truly are moving into a new season of life.

And I'm okay with that.

This Easter, I won't be filling baskets with stuffed bunnies and sweet treats. There will be no little girls with brightly-colored Easter frocks hunting dyed eggs in our back yard.  In fact, we probably won't even see Bethany this Easter, as she will be staying at school preparing for upcoming finals.  And this will be our sixth Easter without Hannah joining us at the table.

Oh, yes, I will miss them on that special day.  But Bethany is happy, healthy, living her life in growing independence from us, just as she should be, and Hannah ... well, Hannah is exactly where she was created to be.

And, because of Easter ... because He lives ... our whole family will get to join her one day.

So if I'm really entering a new season of life, all I can say is, "Bring it on."  I'm fine with the passage of time.  As I see it, every day just brings me closer to Home.

Monday Mourning -- When It Doesn't Feel Like Spring

When our 17-year-old daughter, Hannah, was diagnosed with brain cancer at the end of  February 2008, I remember being thankful that we were facing this challenge in the springtime.  Somehow, seeing the blooming of the flowers and the fresh new leaves on the trees made dealing with the roller coaster of cancer seem easier.  It made me feel that, no matter what happened, we had hope.

But when the "no matter what" became reality as Hannah left for Heaven in February of 2009, it seemed that even nature went into mourning.  We have a beautiful dogwood tree on our property, just off our deck, and every spring that tree unfailingly burst into glorious bloom.

But not that spring ... Not a single bloom appeared on that dogwood that year.  It went directly from bud to leaf, without flowering.  Our neighbors' dogwoods bloomed right on schedule, but ours did not.  I will never forget how God allowed that tree to mourn with us that year.  It sure didn't feel like spring to us.

Springtime is not all blooms and butterflies, either.  Along with the new life of spring comes throat-clogging pollen, rampant weeds, and in Arkansas, tornadoes.  That's the way it is with grief, too ... just when we think we're making progress in healing, along comes one of those tornadoes without any warning, and BAM, we're right back there where there are no blooms on our trees.  Or maybe it's just that ever-present lump in our throat and watering eyes, or the ugly weeds of discouragement, guilt, anger, etc., that Satan plants in our minds.

Fast forward to the spring of 2010.  The dogwood blooms were back, in all their glory ... reminding us that even though we were still mourning the loss of our precious girl ... God was in control, and He had a good plan for us.  We still had to deal with the tornadoes, pollen, and weeds, but through these beautiful blooms, He reminded us of His faithfulness to us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

There is a legend that the cross was constructed from a dogwood tree.  It is said that the tree was greatly distressed to be used for such a purpose, and that Jesus said to it, "Because of your pity for my suffering, never again shall the dogwood tree grow large enough to be used for a cross. Henceforth, it shall be slender, bent, and twisted, and its blossoms shall be in the form of a cross–two long and two short petals.  In the center of the outer edge of each petal will be the print of nails. In the center of the flower, stained with blood, will be a crown of thorns so that all who see it will remember."

Yes, that's just a legend.  But dogwoods always remind me of the cross and God's sacrifice of His own Son there.  And because of that sacrifice, it can always be springtime ... even when it doesn't feel like it.

I stepped out on my deck this morning and took a picture of that tree ... God's love in full bloom.

Thoughtful Thursday -- Faith Over Circumstances

"So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith that it will happen just as He told me."  Acts 27:25

Paul made this statement while aboard a wooden ship in the midst of a raging storm.  He was a prisoner on this ship, bound for Rome, and had been battered by this storm for a number of days ... in fact, the Bible tells us that the sailors had seen neither the sun nor the stars for many days.  The crew had already jettisoned most of their cargo to lighten the ship, and they and their passengers had already gone a number of days without food.  It appeared that all hope of survival was lost.

But Paul knew that God had work for him to do in Rome, and he had no doubt that God was going to get him there.  By all outward appearances, his circumstances were hopeless.  Finally, after fourteen days in the raging storm, Paul encouraged the men on the ship to eat something and to prepare for a rough landing on the shore, assuring them that they would all survive.

The ship ran aground on a sand bar and was pounded to pieces by the surf, but Paul and the rest of the passengers and crew made it to shore, some of them clinging precariously to pieces of the ship.  God was faithful to His word.

Sometimes it's hard to keep up our courage when we're in the midst of a storm.  The tempest seems to go on and on and on ... the sky is black with roiling clouds, the power of the wind threatens to knock us off our feet, and the nauseating surf pushes us backwards, away from our port of safety.  We know in our minds that there are blue skies somewhere, but the dark clouds in our hearts just won't let the sun peek through.

So what do we do?  We keep on paddling with our life jackets on, calling out to God in the darkness, knowing that He loves us and that He is bigger than the storm.  There's no way to paddle around a storm ... we have to go through it to get to the other side.

Paul's statement in Acts 27:25 was not an example of mind over matter, but of faith over circumstances.  

Isn't it awesome to know that no matter what kind of storm we find ourselves in today, God is in it with us, and eventually we will see the sun and the stars again?  We just have to keep up our courage and cling tightly to Him.

Tell About It Tuesday -- While We're Waiting Weekend for Bereaved Parents

"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."  (Ephesians 3:20-21 KJV)

Every time we have one of these weekend retreats for bereaved parents, this is the Scripture that comes to mind.  I always have an idea in mind of how the weekend is going to go ... I know who's coming (at least their names and where they're from), I know a little bit about their stories, I know what activities we have planned, I know what our schedule shows.  I mean, this is the seventh one of these retreats we've hosted ... you would think it would be more or less routine by now.

But every time, every time, without fail, God does exceeding abundantly above anything I had asked for or even thought of.  He once again brought together the perfect group of parents ... exactly the folks who needed to be there at just the time they needed to be there.  We were privileged to hear the stories of their precious children.  Our conversations were rich, and I heard such strong statements of faith from these parents, even in the midst of deep pain.  Certainly there were tears, but they were diluted by fervent prayer, warm hugs, and words of compassion from other parents who truly understood.

There was laughter too ... lots of laughter.  We enjoyed all of the fun activities Family Farm has to offer.  The weather was a bit chilly for early April, but a little cool air didn't slow us down.  

On Saturday morning, we met out on the front steps of the Lodge to put on the Armor of God -- No better way to start the day!

From there, we went out to the barnyard.  There's something so therapeutic about hanging out with animals.

Later that day, we spent some time at Slide Mountain ...

The group conquered the "Islands".  Well, sort of.  The idea is to get the whole group across three wooden platforms using only three board and a rope.  The stakes are high, as the leaves on the ground are actually "boiling hot lava." 

We tried out the balance log ... And actually held it for 30 seconds!  (Although Daddy May counted pretty fast!)

A little archery ...

And it's never too cold for the zip line!

The Mays shared their son Zane's story at Salvation Station ...

And when we weren't sharing stories or playing outside, we were eating!  Our executive chef came out on Saturday evening and once again treated us to a 5-course gourmet dinner, and it was amazing!

And, in the midst of all this activity, we never forgot the reasons why we were there ... to remember our precious children ...

... and to honor our Lord by living well while we're waiting to be reunited with them in Heaven one day.

Here's what one of our guests had to say after the weekend was over ...

"I have attended the Mom's retreat, my husband attended the Dad's retreat and we attended the Couple's retreat. I was very apprehensive, nervous, almost talked myself out of going, but persevered in going. It was by God's grace and mercy, I stepped out. So glad I did. I moved forward in my healing, lifted me spiritually, made some awesome friendships, found strength, and encouragement in EVERYONE! We are almost 3 years out and it was difficult for me. So glad I did not listen to the devil and let him rob me of joy and blessings I received. I highly recommend you attend one of these events."

Our next two WWW Parent Weekends are scheduled for November 14-16, 2014, and April 10-12, 2015.  Click here to for more information or to register.  Maybe you're not a parent who's lost a child ... but we would love for you to help us spread the word about these events and this ministry.  "Like" our While We're Waiting page on Facebook to stay informed about all of our upcoming events.  We would also be glad to come share with your church, Sunday School class, or civic group about While We're Waiting.  Click on the "Contact" us tab above to get in touch with us.  Most of all, you can pray for us as we seek God's wisdom and leadership in the growth of this ministry.  I know that many of you do, and we appreciate that more than we can say.  What a privilege it is to be a part of this wonderful ministry!

While We're Waiting Parents -- April 2014

Thoughtful Thursday -- Eagerly Waiting with Perseverance

In the infancy of the While We're Waiting, our board met with a ministry consultant to get some advice on how best to grow this fledgling ministry.  He had some great tips and ideas for us, and I think we benefited from most of his advice.  One of his thoughts, though, we were not too impressed with.

He said, "I think you should consider changing the name.  'While We're Waiting' sounds like you're kicked back in a recliner with your feet up, just passively waiting for your life to come to an end."

He didn't get it.  I mean, he really didn't get it at all.

You see, the While We're Waiting ministry is based on Romans 8:25, which says, "But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

Yes, we are waiting ... but not passively, and definitely not with our feet propped up.  We are waiting eagerly, and with perseverance, for our hope to be fulfilled.  Hebrews 6:19 tells us that "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."  And what is that hope?  The hope of Heaven ... the hope of being reunited with our Savior and our children one day.  And because we have that firm and secure hope as our anchor, we can endure with perseverance the sufferings and sorrows of this world.

And we are waiting eagerly.  The Mirriam-Webster dictionary defines "eager" as  "feeling a strong and impatient desire to do something or for something."  What better definition could there be for the desire we have to be reunited with our precious children?

So, we're waiting, not in our recliners, but with our boots on the ground, eagerly persevering in doing the will of our Father until He calls us to join Him in Heaven.  What better way is there to honor both our Lord and our children while we're waiting?

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I Peter 5:10

Monday Mourning -- "Resurrection"?

So, have you seen ABC's new show called "Resurrection"?  I confess I have not seen a single episode, but the commercials for it have made me a bit ... uncomfortable.

The premise of the show is this ... Small-town families find their long-dead loved ones suddenly arriving, unchanged after decades, on their doorsteps.  Nearly 14 million people tuned in for the premiere episode, making it the highest Sunday drama debut for ABC since 2006.

There was a time when I probably would have thought that was an awesome concept for a show, and I just might have tuned in with great anticipation.

Not anymore.

Now, I think watching it would be akin to torture.

The first time I saw the commercial for this new series (and, oh my, the promotion for it has been relentless), it honestly left me a bit breathless.  The looks on the older couples' faces as they saw their still-8-year-old son Jacob for the first time after he died in a drowning accident 32 years earlier ...!  Yes, they're just actors, and cognitively I know that ... but, oh, what a tug in my heart!  And then, the actress sitting on a church pew (who looks to be about the age Hannah would be now) saying tearfully, "Did I really die?"

This is the fondest dream of every parent who has lost a child ... to be reunited with them here on earth.  To wrap our arms around that child's neck and hold on for all we're worth.  To feel their arms wrap around us and squeeze us back.  To breathe in their scent, to hear their voice, to see their smile, to just look into their eyes and be still.  And then, finally, to talk to them.  And talk and talk and talk.  To say, "Yes, you really died, but now you're back!  And I'm never going to let you go again!"

Sigh.

But that's not the way it works.  I will never see Hannah again here on this earth.  I won't hug her, hold her hand, hear her voice, or sit beside her on her bed and giggle with her again.  People just aren't "resurrected" here on this earth.

But thank God, that's not the end of the story.  I believe that because Hannah trusted Jesus here on earth, she already lives again ... in Heaven.  And as much as I'd like to see her again here on this earth (and believe me, I do!), an earthly resurrection can't compare with a heavenly one.

An earthly resurrection is only temporary.  At some point, we'd have to say good-bye again.  Either she would die, or I would die.  And because of the fact that we have sin natures, our relationship would not be perfect ... we'd have disagreements and misunderstandings, and we might even get angry with each other sometimes.  We'd have to deal with all that comes along with living in a fallen world ... illness, injustice, terrorism, pain, grief, hunger, loss ... the list goes on and on.

A heavenly resurrection is eternal.  We'll never have to say good-bye again.  Our sin natures will be destroyed, so our relationship will be perfect, unmarred by any type of strife.  And we will live in a perfect world ... one without tears, one where we'll worship our Savior with nothing to hinder us.

So will I be watching the TV show "Resurrection"?  Nope, not me.  Why waste my time longing for something that can never happen, and even if it did, would only be a dim shadow of the real resurrection?  I prefer to fix my mind on the great resurrection that is to come in the future, because that's where my real hope lies!

"Jesus said to her (Martha), 'I am the resurrection and the life.  Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he lives.'"  John 11:25

Thoughtful Thursday -- The Finish Line

I think that something we all wrestle with as parents who have lost children is the "Why" question.  Why did this have to happen to my child?  Why, when my son was serving the Lord, and his peers were not, was his life taken?  Why didn't God protect my daughter?  Why didn't God heal my son?  Why didn't God allow my daughter to live outside the womb?  Why?  Why?  Why?  This question is a cruel taskmaster.

On Monday, Brad and I attended a funeral where that “Why” question certainly seemed applicable.  This funeral was for a young man named Ben Crowley.  Ben was our sister-in-law’s brother.  He was a handsome guy, 38 years old, had a beautiful godly wife, and a baby girl on the way.  He was a rabid Auburn Tigers fan, and he loved the Lord.  He had overcome a lot in his life, including drug and alcohol addiction as a younger man.  He also was fighting a battle that had gone on for many years … a battle against mental illness.  And on the evening of March 20th, somewhere between 5:30 p.m., when he talked to his wife on the phone and told her he was cooking dinner for her, and 8:30 p.m., when she arrived home, he took his own life.

His family and friends were stunned and heartbroken.  How could this happen?  Ben was doing so well … He loved his wife, he was excited about his baby on the way, and he was making plans for the future.  Yet on that evening, his mental illness took over, and his earthly life ended.

His dad preached his funeral on Monday, and did a wonderful job of sharing who the real Ben was.  Anyone who came that day who did not know Ben left there feeling like they had “met” him.

One of the things his dad said really stuck with me.  He quoted 2 Timothy 4: 6-8 -- "For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing."

I have to confess, when he read that, I thought to myself, “But Ben didn’t finish the race.  He took his own life.”

But then, Ben’s dad said the same thing I had been thinking ... “When I read that, I thought to myself, ‘But Ben didn’t finish the race.  He took his own life.’  And he continued on, saying, "But then God reminded me of something … God is the one who draws the finish line.  God had drawn the finish line in Ben’s life on the evening of March 20th, and Ben reached it.”  He reminded us that God drew the finish line in His own Son's life after six hours on the cross.  Death by crucifixion usually took two or three days, but God determined that Jesus had suffered enough ... and He drew the finish line.

Wow!  God draws the finish line.  God drew the finish line in Ben's life, just as He drew the finish line in Hannah's life ... and they both finished the race that He had set out for them.

That doesn’t mean that we have to like the course of this race.  I would much preferred to have reached my finish line before Hannah did … I mean, isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?  I know Ben's family feels the same way.

But sometimes God had a different plan for our children, and for us, as their parents.  And my job now is to continue to fight that good fight, to keep the faith, and to run that race.  And one day, when I receive my own crown of righteousness, Hannah will be there smiling her big bright smile, and saying, “That’s my Mom!”

Please keep Ben's mom and dad, his wife, his unborn daughter, his siblings, and his many friends in your prayers as they face the difficult days ahead.

Tell About It Tuesday -- While We're Waiting Weekend for Bereaved Dads

A couple of weeks ago, the While We're Waiting ministry hosted our fourth weekend retreat for bereaved dads.  This event was facilitated by my husband (Brad) and Larry Brown, and from everything I've heard, it was amazing!

For the first time, our WWW Weekend for Dads was held at Spring Valley Anglers Rod & Gun Club.  This is a beautiful retreat facility located on the limestone banks of Spavinaw Creek in northwest Arkansas.  Nine dads with children in Heaven, in addition to Brad and Larry, had the opportunity to do some fly fishing and skeet shooting in this beautiful setting.  They also spent a good bit of time sitting in comfy chairs around the cozy firepit, and got to enjoy a fabulous steak dinner prepared and served by a professional chef.  

And as they participated in these activities, they talked.  They talked about their kids who are now in Heaven, and the kids they still have here on earth.  They discussed how their grief has impacted their job performance, their spiritual lives, and their relationships with their wives and others.  Some of these men lost sons, and some lost daughters.  Their children's ages ranged from 5 years old to 38 years old. Three went to Heaven after battling cancer, three young men drowned, two were involved in car accidents, one was killed in action in Afghanistan, one was involved in a drug-related tragedy, and one was murdered.  

I am told that while there were certainly some tears over the course of the weekend as these dads shared their most painful experiences with each other, there was also a whole lot of laughter.  And why not?  Each of these dads had experienced a different type of loss ... but they all shared something in common ... a rock solid faith in Christ, and an assurance that they will see their dear children again one day.  And each one of these dads is committed to living well while he's waiting for that great reunion.  They understand that that is the best way to honor both their children and their Lord until that day comes.

Here are a few pictures from the weekend.  Fishing in the sparkling creek ...

Skeet shooting ...

Enjoying some good food ...

And soaking up the warmth of a good fire ...

All while remembering some great kids ...

Here's what a couple of the dads who attended had to say about the weekend ...

I had a wonderful time -- sharing with other dads who have lost their child.  Being able to hear their stories and learn how they are surviving and moving forward is very important.  This is a very important and needed resource for families walking this road.  ~Dustin's dad

Attended Dads' weekend in northwest Arkansas.  What a blessing to spend time with dads who truly understand.  ~Ryan's dad

We at While We're Waiting feel so humbled and privileged to have the opportunity to host events like this.  Will you please help us spread the word about this ministry?  We have another Dads' Weekend scheduled for October 10-12, 2014.  This one will be held at a different location in west central Arkansas ... Click here to read about one of our previous events there.  We also host weekend events for couples/singles and mini-retreats for moms.  Click here to go to our website and get more information or to register for any of these events.  You can also support us by praying for this ministry, and if you feel led to, you can help support us financially.  We do not charge for any of our retreats, and rely solely on donations to keep the ministry going.  You can make a donation on our website via Paypal ... just click here.  We are a 501(c)(3) organization, so all donations are tax-deductible.  

The WWW theme verse is Romans 8:25 -- "But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."  We are so thankful for the hope of Heaven, and while we're waiting, we pray that we will persevere eagerly!

Thoughtful Thursday -- He Understands

Last week, our Sunday School teacher shared the following illustration ...

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk in a third grade classroom.  Suddenly ... there is a puddle between his feet, and the front of his pants is wet.  He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot believe this has just happened.  It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out, he will never hear the end of it.  And when the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives!

The boy puts his head down on his desk and prays, "Dear God, this is an emergency!  I need help now!  Five minutes from now, I'm dead meat!"

He looks up from his prayer, and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.  As the teacher is coming to snatch him up, a classmate named Susie is walking by carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water.  Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl in the boy's lap.  The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying with great relief, "Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, Jesus!"

Now, just as suddenly, he is the object of sympathy.  The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.  All the children are on their hands and knees around his desk, cleaning up the mess.  The sympathy is wonderful!

The ridicule that should have been his was transferred to someone else ... Susie.

As the day progresses, the sympathy grows better and Susie's ridicule grows worse.  At the end of the day, they are waiting for the bus.  Susie has been shunned by the other children.  The boy walks over to Susie and says, "Susie, you did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once, too."


What a perfect picture of what Jesus did for us on the cross!  He took our sin and our shame, and willingly transferred it to Himself.

And as if that wasn't enough, take a second and read Hebrews 4:15-16 ...

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who was in all things tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Therefore, let us come boldly to the throne of grace, so that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Just like Susie ... He understands!  He not only understands, He sympathizes with our weaknesses.

That means I can approach Him with confidence, even boldness, with my doubts, my struggles, my pain, my sorrows, my disappointments ... and my grief.  And He is there, freely passing out mercy and grace to all who ask.  What a comfort in the time of need!

Monday Mourning -- A Gift of Memories

Would you indulge me for just one more post about Hannah's five-year Heaven Day?

I really just have to share one more thing ... really, just one more.

You know, parents who have lost children (and I suppose anyone who has lost a loved one ... my only real experience with this is losing my daughter) live in dread of these kinds of dates.  I've actually named it ... I call it "The Tyranny of Dates."  You can't get away from them.  Just when you get through one -- your child's birthday, for example -- there's another one on the horizon.  Christmas, Mother's Day, the day she should have graduated from kindergarten or high school, the day he should have been born.  The calendar is relentless ... It never stops!

Now, I did learn pretty early on that the anticipation of the day is usually worse than the day itself.  Knowing that usually helps me in dealing with these days.  And this year, I was a bit distracted from the upcoming date by my dad's very unexpected open heart surgery (5 bypasses!) a week earlier.

I spent several days with my mom and dad as he dealt with numerous complications following his surgery.  Finally, he stabilized, and I was able to return home a couple of days before that dreaded date.

I knew this year was going to be different than any other, because I was going to be all alone.  My husband was in Phoenix, and Bethany was four hours away at the University of Arkansas.  I just really wasn't sure how the day was going to go.

I had decided a few days earlier to start out the day by making a post on Facebook asking people to share their memories of Hannah.  I almost talked myself out of it.  After all, Hannah was only a teenager when she died ... she didn't know that many people.  And besides, she was so quiet, a real homebody, a girl who would rather stay home with her family on Saturday nights than hang out with friends.  Would anybody really have any memories to share?  What if nobody wrote anything?

I decided to go ahead and post it anyway.  I knew that family members would write something, and maybe a few of her friends.  Here's what I wrote:

Five years ago today, our beautiful daughter and sister, Hannah Joy, went to Heaven after bravely battling brain cancer for a year. Would you mind giving our family a gift today? Would you take just a moment and share a memory you have of Hannah with us? We have so many wonderful memories with her, and it would really be a blessing to us to hear some of yours. Thank you so much!

I then went on about my day, most of which you know about if you've read my last few posts.  All through the day, I heard the notification chirps coming in from my phone.  A couple of times, I started to pick it up and look at the posts, but I would immediately tear up and have to put it down.  I had to lead the While We're Waiting support group meeting that evening, and I had to be able to hold myself together.  I knew if I read those posts, I would be done for the day.  So I decided to wait.

We had a great WWW meeting that night, and then I had the wonderful God-surprise of the wind chimes and the rock after I got home.  Once I had somewhat recovered from that awesome moment, I put on my pajama pants, curled up on the couch with some Kleenex, and opened up my laptop.  I was completely unprepared for what I found.

There were 90 comments on my post.

There were memories from relatives, family friends, former teachers, acquaintances, nurses, church leaders, peers, and a large people who had never even met her, but had been somehow touched by her life.  There were remembrances of her smile, her laugh, her "sweet spirit", her servant's heart, and her curly hair.  There were memories of her caring for younger children, bantering with her sister, playing Barbies, eating pizza, letting a friend copy her biology paper, helping in Vacation Bible School, and managing the high school basketball team.  And as much as I hate to rank one comment above the others, this one had to mean the most to me ...

Our daughter, Madelyn, began to ask questions about Jesus, eternal salvation and Heaven during Hannah's courageous battle. Hannah was a light for Christ during her dark days and Madelyn accepted Christ as her Savior on 2-23-09 because of Hannah's testimony. Hannah will always hold a special place in our family's heart! 

Y'all ... It just doesn't get any better than that.  That right there is what it's all about.

Would I have chosen for Hannah to battle cancer for a year and go to Heaven at the age of 17?  No.  Never.  If it were possible, would I turn back time to January 2008 and write a different ending for her story?  You betcha.

Would her life have had the impact it's had if things had been different?  I don't think so.

Is God's master plan better than mine?  Yes (somewhat grudgingly).

I think my role is to be thankful for the countless wonderful memories that I (and apparently many others) have of my girl, and to be grateful that God has chosen to use her in the way He has.

So, thank you, Lord.  And let me say a huge thank you to all of those who gave us the gift of your memories.  You blessed our family more than you could ever know.

Thoughtful Thursday -- The Rest of the Story

As promised, here's the continuation of my last post about Wind Chimes and Rocks.

Because as with any great story, there's more to be told.

First, though ... a couple of pictures so you can see how special these gifts really were.

The wind chimes hanging on the archway, just where I imagined them that morning ...

And the JOY rock on Hannah's windowsill, taking the place of the one I left on her grave that day ...

When I opened the gift bag that night and found these wonderful surprises, I sat right down at my computer and wrote my friend Christy a private message.  I was so excited, and I told her the whole story, including the fact that I just couldn't stop shaking my head about the way God had worked through her gifts.  With her permission, I'd like to share with you a little of what she said in reply.

Thank you for sharing that with me !!  As I was reading your message I too was shaking my head and saying WOW !!   That truly was a God thing.    As I said, I had remembered you saying that the next time we met would be 5 Years, well as it got closer I knew I wanted to give you something. I had looked for something on about 3 different occasions, not really having anything specific in mind but nothing just really jumped out at me.   Well I had to pick up a few things in Hot Springs on Monday and was a little short on time,    But I continued to look.   Well I found a couple of things, had them in my hand but for some reason put them back.  Well I then turned around and there was the chimes and the rock , as I picked them up I glanced at the time so I said ok I will just get these. It's the thought that really counts right.  When I got in the car to leave it hit me. I just bought Jill a "Rock".  And I kept imagining the look of "what is this" you would have when you received it and yes for the next 2 days, I really felt silly for giving you a rock.   But at the same time I had a peace about it.  Still, that's why when I handed you the gift, I said " I know this is not much but".   Wow, that is all I can say, except for praying and thanking Him for using me in such a way.   With a Rock and chimes none the less!!  I stand more and more amazed each day!! 

Here's the thing that's so cool to me.  Christy was prompted by God to do something for me, and she was obedient to that prompting ... even though she didn't know why she was doing what she was doing.  Not only that, but she even felt a little bit silly about it.  But she didn't let that stop her.  She did it anyway, and something that seemed like such a little thing (and maybe even a silly thing) to her, was absolutely huge to me.

We never know how our actions of obedience impact others.

Two other examples of this. A little over five years ago, a lady obeyed God's prompting and anonymously left a book at the desk of the hospice center where we were spending Hannah's last days. A small gift, and maybe one that she felt a little funny about giving since that book was about the loss of a baby (actually two babies) and here we were in a hospice center with a 17-year-old. Nonetheless, she was obedient, and ultimately, that gift led to the formation of While We're Waiting, our ministry to bereaved parents.  A small act of obedience with huge ramifications.

Let me leave you with my final example, and I share it with my friend Christy's permission.  Christy is the one who gave me the gifts pictured above, and Christy's 17-year-old son, Ryan, went to Heaven back in September.  Back when Ryan was little more than a toddler, their family was living their lives far from God, and were content with that lifestyle.  One day, their neighbor, an 11-year-old girl, came over to their house, handed them some tickets, and invited them to a "Heavens' Gates & Hell's Flames" drama taking place at their church.  They didn't really want to go, but they didn't want to disappoint this sweet little girl, so they did.  That night was a turning point in their lives as a family.  From that point on, they dedicated their lives to the Lord, became involved in church, and raised their son in a Christian home.  As a result, Ryan turned his life over to the Lord as a young child.

And today, Ryan is in Heaven with his Lord and Savior ... all due to an 11-year-old girl's obedience.

Don't ever disregard the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  The implications of a single act of obedience can have eternal ramifications.

Tell About It Tuesday -- Wind Chimes and Rocks

I have always been what I would call a realist.  I'm not a sentimentalist.  I'm not a person who sees a message from God in every rainbow or heart-shaped rock.  I never have been.

But sometimes, God smacks me upside the head with something (as we say in the south), and even I can't dismiss it as a coincidence or explain it away with logic.

Last Wednesday marked five years since our 17-year-old daughter, Hannah, went to Heaven after a year-long battle with brain cancer.  For the past four years, the three of us have made that anniversary a family day, taking off work and school, traveling to her grave (approximately 90 minutes away), and going out to eat at one of Hannah's favorite restaurants.

This year was different.  Brad was in Phoenix, traveling for work, and Bethany was at the U of A in Fayetteville, unable to skip class.  So it was just me on that day.

I knew ahead of time that I would be alone of that day, and I knew I needed to have a plan.  I decided that I would go to her grave and decorate it.  Now that may not seem like much to you ... but that is something I've never been able to do.  I've never been able to bring myself to shop for items to decorate my daughter's grave.  It was just too painful ... I couldn't do it.  But this year, I thought, "I can do this."

So Tuesday evening, I went to Hobby Lobby (my favorite store!) and did some shopping.  I picked out some "spring-y" things that made me feel happy.  And it was okay ... even kind of nice.  I actually enjoyed the shopping process.

Wednesday morning dawned clear and cold.  I got up, put my dog on her leash, and walked her out into the yard.  It was a beautiful morning, and I had a profound feeling of peace as I thought about the day.  As I looked around the yard, my eyes lit upon a landscaping archway we have in one of our flowerbeds.  And out of nowhere, a thought popped into my head.

"I would like to have some wind chimes to hang from that archway.  I think the sound of the wind blowing through them would remind me of Hannah."

I've never wanted wind chimes before.  To be honest, I'm really not even a big fan of wind chimes.  It was a completely random thought.  But at that moment, I decided that I would look for some wind chimes to hang from that archway.

I came back in and gathered my things to take to the cemetery.  On an impulse, I went into Hannah's room and picked up a decorative rock off her windowsill.  It had the word JOY on it, along with a mosaic dragonfly.  Since I was taking this giant step of decorating her grave, I wanted to include something with the word JOY on it.  I really didn't want to "give up" this particular rock, because it was one of the first JOY items I purchased after Hannah's death, but I knew it was a good, durable item I could place on her grave that would withstand outdoor conditions ... so I somewhat reluctantly placed it in my car with the other items.

It was an uneventful drive to Briggsville, and I had probably the best visit to Hannah's grave I've ever had.  I think I felt better having a "job" to do when I got there, and I got busy decorating as soon as I arrived.  I worked quickly, since it was 32 degrees outside with a stiff north wind!  I was pretty pleased with the results.

If you look in the lower right hand corner of the above picture, you can see the JOY rock I placed there.

I chose the bird to represent Bethany and her fiance', Brad Bird, who were unable to come themselves.

I came home after that, wrote my last blog post about the 14 Things, and prepared for that evening's While We're Waiting support group meeting.  I knew it would be an emotional evening for me, considering the significance of the day, and indeed it was.  

As our meeting came to a close, and we all prepared to leave, one of the sweet moms in our group discreetly handed me a gift bag, saying that she and her husband knew it was a special day for our family and that they had gotten us something.  "It's not much," she said, almost a little sheepishly.  I thanked her for it and told her I'd wait to open it until I got home.  I had had enough public displays of emotion for one night!

I arrived home a little while later, and walked into a dark, lonely house.  I flipped on a few lights, greeted my dog, and turned my attention to the little gift bag. I read the sweet card, which brought tears to my eyes, then lifted out the paper on top.  Inside were two items, each one well wrapped in tissue paper.  I picked up the first one and unwrapped it.

It was a set of wind chimes.  

My mouth literally dropped open.  One of my first thoughts that morning had been a wish for some wind chimes, and now, at the end of the day, here they were.

I almost forgot that there was still another item in that bag.  Still shaking my head over those wind chimes, I reached in and pulled it out.  It was a little heavier than the first item, and I had to unwrap several layers of tissue paper.  I couldn't help but exclaim out loud when I saw what it was.

It was a rock.

A JOY rock to replace the one I had put on Hannah's grave that morning.  

Y'all ... How does that even happen?  

Only God can do that.  Only God can know the deep desires of our heart ... the things that we cannot even articulate.  He knows just what we need to encourage us, even when we don't know what that is ourselves.  His timing could not be more perfect.  And I am humbled and awed to be the recipient of one (actually two) of his wonderful gifts.

"Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear."  Isaiah 65:24 (ESV)

To be continued on Thoughtful Thursday ...