Thoughtful Thursday -- Three Priceless Gifts

Get any group of bereaved parents together, and the topic inevitably comes up.

I bet you can guess what it is ... Yep, it's The Things People Say.  Every parent who has lost a child has been hurt (almost always unintentionally) by something that's been said in an effort to comfort them.

Sometimes it's The Things People Don't Say.  Every parent who has lost a child has also been hurt by someone who has avoided them, or who said nothing to them in an effort not to say the wrong thing.

We often discuss this topic at our While We're Waiting events.  In fact, our March WWW support group meeting was focused entirely on this topic.  We all go around and share our horror stories of the "At least you have other children", "Aren't you glad she's in a better place", "I understand how you feel, my dog died last week", and "Don't you think you should be back to normal by now" comments we've heard.  And maybe surprisingly, we laugh about them.  I mean, those poor people .. they just can't help themselves!

After we've talked about the dumb things for awhile, we always try to turn it back to the positive by discussing some of the good things people have said and done for us.  And it's very heartwarming to hear those stories.  There are many, many wonderful people out there who have been the hands and feet of Christ to us.

In light of that, I want to share three "gifts" I recently received ... all from different people, and each one from given without the giver realizing their significance.

1.  A couple of months ago, Brad and I were invited to have dinner in the home of some missionaries who are here in Hot Springs on furlough.  We went to college with this couple, but we've lost touch with them over the years.  Over a yummy Mexican dinner, we discussed lots of things ... their ministry in Canada, our daughter's wedding, their adoption of a beautiful little boy from Africa, my husband's role as a school administrator.  After dessert, we sat down in comfortable chairs in the living room, and they said, "So, tell us about Hannah", and then they settled in and prepared to listen.  What a gift!  You know, we tell Hannah's story all the time, but it's always in the context of a ministry situation ... a retreat, a support group meeting, or from a stage in front of an audience.  Here was a couple who simply wanted to know about Hannah ... who she was, what she liked and disliked, how she dealt with her cancer diagnosis.  What a blessing it was to talk about our girl freely, openly, comfortably, with another couple who just wanted to listen.

2.  A few weeks ago on a Sunday morning, our While We're Waiting team had the opportunity to speak at our home church.  It was wonderful to be able to share our testimonies and the WWW ministry with our church family.  We were able to unveil the plans for the While We're Waiting Refuge for the first time that morning ... something we were very excited about doing.  A few days later we received a note in the mail from a gentleman who is an incredibly faithful card writer and prayer warrior.  The first line of his card said, "Tears and Cheers!" and then he went on to say that he was praying for the four of us and our ministry.  But the "Tears and Cheers" statement is what caught my eye.  He was acknowledging that even though the growth of the WWW ministry is something to cheer about, it comes at a price ... the tears of missing our children.  That recognition was a gift.

3.  The third gift was given on that Sunday morning when we shared at our church.  The invitation had been given (One person gave their life to the Lord!), the offering had been taken, and the service had ended.  We stood around and talked with people for a long time afterward, and finally most folks had headed for the doors.  I began to gather up my things and get prepared to leave, when suddenly a sweet lady approached me, laid her hand on my arm, leaned in close, and gave me a gift.  She quietly said, "I still cry for you."  I was dumbfounded, and all I could think of to say was, "You do?"  She said, "Yes, I still cry for you," and then she slipped away.  Five words.  But, oh, how much that meant to me, to think that after six years ... someone still cries for me.

As I said, I don't think any of these folks recognized how profoundly their statements and actions affected me.  They don't even know how priceless their gifts were.  There's a pretty good chance they will each be reading this blog post, though, so they do now.  So let me take this opportunity to thank you for loving me well.  I will never forget the gifts you gave me.

Thoughtful Thursday -- Feeling Abandoned?

Anyone who grew up in Arkansas in the seventies or eighties probably made at least one trip to Dogpatch USA when they were a kid.  Dogpatch was an amusement park which opened in 1968, and was based on the comic strip Li'l Abner.  It was nestled deep in the woods of northern Arkansas and featured a number of attractions and rides. The developers believed it would rival Disneyland in popularity one day, and though it never quite achieved that status, it drew a pretty good crowd in its heyday.  It featured hillbilly-themed attractions, such as Rotten Ralphie's Rick-O-Shay Rifle Range and a roller coaster called Earthquake McGoon's Brain Rattler. One fun feature was that instead of garbage cans, the park had "trash eaters" -- mechanical pigs and goats that would suck the trash right out of the visitors' hands. To a kid, it was a downright awesome place to spend the day.

Over the years, Dogpatch changed hands several times as it struggled financially.  It finally closed in October of 1993.  Efforts are now being made to revitalize it, but for the most part, it has lain abandoned all these years.

There's something very sad and even eerie about an abandoned amusement park ...

A place that was once known for bringing joy ... now dilapidated and overgrown with weeds and vines.  A place once filled with rambunctious, laughing children ... now quiet and still.  A place where fun family memories were once made ... now just a faded memory itself.

Sigh.

Grief can make us feel that way too.

Like time has marched on and left us behind.

Like we're being choked by weeds and brambles.

Like no one else "gets" us.

Like we've grown old before our time.

Like we'll never have joy again.

Like our opportunity to make good memories is gone forever.

Like even God has abandoned us.

And you know what?  If it was up to us to do life in our own strength, these things would all be true.

But here's the promise from God's Word ...

" ... We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."  (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

On my own, I'm a jar of clay ... just like a crumbling, ramshackle attraction at a neglected theme park. But I have a treasure within me ... the power of God.  And because of that power, I can be hard pressed, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; struck down, but not destroyed.  And I will never, ever be abandoned.

All of the things I listed above are feelings.  The truth is that God has not abandoned us, and He will give us strength for each challenge we face.  There is still joy to be found, good memories to be made, and friendships with those who "get" us waiting to be developed.  He won't let us be choked out by briars and nettles if we continue to seek Him.  Life will never leave us behind if we remember that His mercies are new every morning.

And there's no amusement park on earth that can compare to what is awaiting us in Heaven!  What a beautiful hope to cling to on those days when we may be feeling a bit forsaken.

Thoughtful Thursday -- Six Years in Heaven

Thanks to the absolutely beautiful snowfall we had yesterday, I've been able to enjoy a quiet day at home, remembering our girl who went to Heaven six years ago today.  It was a great opportunity to reflect, remember, and revel in the wonderful memories we have with our Hannah Joy.

My overwhelming feeling today at this six year mark is gratitude.  Gratitude that God chose me to be Hannah's mother; gratitude that we had 17 1/2 amazing years with her; gratitude that she is perfectly healed in Heaven today.

I spent the day posting my favorite photos from Hannah's life on my Facebook page.  I tried to post them at regular intervals throughout the day so I wouldn't totally gum up people's newsfeeds with them.  How fun it was to share these pictures and re-live some of my favorite memories with our girl.
As I shared these pictures, though, I found myself keenly aware of the moms and dads who did not have the blessing of so much time with their children.  Through While We're Waiting, we've had the opportunity to meet many parents who never had the opportunity to make the kind of memories we have with Hannah, and my heart breaks for them.  We were so blessed to have the time we had with Hannah.

As I thought about Hannah and all those we've met whose children have left "too soon", I remembered a book that Hannah "wrote" back when she was in junior high.  This was a project of her GT class, and is an autobiography, complete with photographs.

She drew the cover picture, which is a bell (her grandma always called her "Hannah Bell").  Clearly, she got her artistic ability from me!  ;-)  I love the words she uses to describe herself ..."joyful", "optimistic", "sweet", "Christian", "caring". She couldn't have been more correct in her choice of words.  The first page put a lump in my throat: "Dedicated to My Amazing Family". She begins with a chapter called "Before Me", in which she states that we were so ecstatic when she was born that we gave her the middle name "Joy", which is true! That chapter is followed by a chapter for each year of her life. It was so much fun reading all of these chapters, and looking at all the photographs she included. The one that really got to me though was the final chapter, which was titled "My Future Possibilities", and reads as follows:

"As I think about the future, I get so excited because I know my future is bright. I love to think about what is to come, and I do constantly. I plan to graduate high school with a 4.0 and at the top of my class. Then, I would like to enroll in Ouachita Baptist University with a full or almost full paid scholarship, and study elementary education to become an elementary teacher. I'd graduate with a bachelor's degree from OBU, and then go somewhere for my master's degree in teaching. I would hope to be married by the time I graduated college, so I would settle down in a small town in Arkansas and start a family (and teach). When I'm old enough to retire, I will probably move closer to where my grandkids live so I could be close to them and watch them grow up. I want to live a long, happy, healthy and content life that I can look back on someday and be proud of. And maybe someday I'll read this book and I'll think, "Wow, I did just that!""

The first time I read this paragraph after Hannah's death, especially the last part, it felt like a punch in the stomach. It literally left me almost breathless for a few minutes. How can someone so excited and full of plans for the future just be gone? How can her innocent desire for a long and healthy life be so unfulfilled?

And God had to gently remind me of something I already know. As we talk to grieving parents, one of the things we talk about is God's sovereignty...the fact that He is in control in and through every situation. As Hannah's illness progressed and it became apparent that, without a miracle, she would be leaving us for Heaven, we felt that we were being called to submit to His will for her life and for ours. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans that I have for you,...plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope." Hannah's future was in His hands...she had her own plans, we had our plans for her...but God had a better plan. What seemed to be a calamity to us was the best thing that ever happened to her!

I found this quote the other day:

Death is God's way of saying, "Your table is ready."  Hannah's table was ready at the age of 17.

Barbara Johnson in "Pack Up Your Gloomees in a Great Big Box, Then Sit on the Lid and Laugh" says this: "There is a finality to death that is inescapable. You can't go around it, over it, or through it. All you can do is negotiate--not for a reversal that could bring your loved one back, because there is none. Instead, you plead for some kind of understanding, some way to make sense of it all as you try to get through it, allowing your grief to take its course and let the pain eventually drain away."

We will never completely understand why Hannah's wish for a long and healthy life was unfulfilled on this earth, but she also said that she wanted to be able to look back on her life someday and be proud of it. I think that if she could see the lives that have been touched through her relatively short life (and I think maybe she can in Heaven), she would be proud.

Thank you for sharing in our life, and hers, by reading these posts, and praying for our family all these years.

While We're Waiting Wednesday

I suppose that an update on the While We're Waiting ministry to bereaved parents is long overdue.  Honestly, we've been so busy keeping up with the day-to-day activities of the WWW ministry, the blog has taken a back seat!  Thankfully, we've had a string of snow days this week so I've got some time this evening to sit down and write for a few minutes.

There are far too many things going on with this ministry to share in a blog post, so I will just share about two of the most recent events.

This past weekend we hosted our largest parents' retreat ever at Spring Valley Anglers Rod & Gun Club in northwest Arkansas.  There were eleven families represented, one couple driving all the way from Toledo, Ohio, to participate in the weekend!  I think they get the prize for coming the farthest for a While We're Waiting event.  What an amazing weekend we had together!  Our stories were all very different, but we were quickly bonded together by our love for both our children and our Lord.

As always, the story is best told in pictures.  Spring Valley Anglers is a beautiful place ...

Set on the banks of crystal-clear Spavinaw Creek ...

During their free time, parents were able to enjoy the peace and beauty of their surroundings ...

Our sessions were filled with rich conversation ...

We talked about our beautiful children ...

Ate A LOT of delicious food ...

And made friendships that will last a lifetime.

Let me share what a few of them had to say at the end of the weekend ...

"To be honest, I was dreading this weekend and sharing our story.  But immediately I felt welcomed and at home.  Friendships were made that I will treasure for the rest of my life.  My husband and I highly recommend this retreat for parents suffering a loss.  What a blessing we received!!"  ~Dustin's mom

"This weekend has been so good for us as a couple.  We struggle to talk about our son with each other.  I was helped as well as my husband.  Thank you!"  ~Joshua's mom

"The WWW Weekend for Parents has touched our hearts greatly.  We came very timid and left forever bonded in our hearts with so many beautiful parents on this journey."  ~Eliana's mom and dad

"We feel incredibly blessed to have experienced this weekend with this group of amazing people."  ~Sophia's mom and dad

"We were very nervous about attending the While We're Waiting Weekend retreat, opening up our deepest hurt in front of strangers.  It was an absolute blessing to attend!  The support of everyone, laughter as well as tears, blessed us and took all our nervousness away.  We are so grateful for you and your ministry."  ~Colby's mom and dad

Now for Part Two of this post ...

We took the first big step today toward the building of the While We're Waiting Refuge, a retreat center designed specifically to meet the needs of bereaved parents.  Fifty acres on the outskirts of Hot Springs has been donated to the ministry for this project.  There is an existing older home on the property, which we will be completely renovating, including the addition of ten hotel-style guest rooms.  

We met with an architect out at the property a few weeks ago and talked through some ideas.  This morning we met with him again and he showed us the plans he has drawn up for this facility.  We were so excited to finally see something on paper!!

You can see the existing home in the lighter print with all the additions coming off of both sides.  This will meet our needs perfectly!  A concept drawing from the architect will be available soon, and I will share it here when it's available.  

Why are we even considering a building project like this when we can go to places like Spring Valley Anglers and Family Farm Christian Day Camp?  Because our events are filling up months in advance, and we cannot get these venues as often as we would like to in order to meet the need.  Our next retreat coming up in April has been completely booked for months, and the one we have planned for November is already nearly full.  It's important for us to keep our groups small to promote the intimacy of our discussion, so we would like to have events more often with smaller groups. (This past weekend's event was our maximum size group.)  We also offer our events at no charge to the parents to attend.  Having our own venue would help us control our costs, so we can continue to do that.

We've committed to building this facility without incurring any debt ... which means we're planning to raise all of the funds upfront.  We are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit ministry, so all donations are tax deductible.  If you are aware of any individuals or corporations who may be looking for a worthy project to donate to, please send them our way!  :-)  And if you would like to partner financially, even in a very small way, with this ministry, you may make a donation online by clicking here.  And of course, we'd love your prayer support as we seek to follow God's leadership in this ministry.  Thank you!!

Monday Mourning -- #nationwidefail

Well, it's been a looooong time since I've written here, hasn't it?  There's really no reason for that, other than I've just been very busy!  Not the kind of busy that I used to be when Bethany was still at home, running from basketball game, to track meet, to softball field, but busy nonetheless.  My busy-ness these days is due to the rapid growth of the While We're Waiting ministry, which I'll discuss in another post.  It's a good kind of busy, but the blog is what seems to take the back burner these days.

bBut after last night's Super Bowl commercial for Nationwide Insurance, I just had to squeeze in a few minutes to write my thoughts this evening.  Did you see it?  It features a little boy, and sucks you right in with cuteness.  The kid is talking about all the things he's not going to have the opportunity to do, like learn to ride a bike, get "cooties" when a girl kisses him on the bus, travel with his best friend, or get married.  Then he says he won't get to do all these things because he's dead due to a household accident.  The ad then shows a very full bathtub, an open cabinet under the kitchen sink, and a large television which has fallen over, presumably on a small child, and informs us that preventable accidents are the leading cause of death in children.

For a few moments, my mind couldn't even process what I had seen.  Did I misunderstand something?  Did I really hear what I thought I heard coming out of that kid's mouth?  Surely not!  No reputable company could possibly be that insensitive to families who may have experienced the loss of a child!  I could literally feel my heart break into a thousand tiny pieces as I knew the pain this commercial would stir up in the hearts of so many.  I  had trouble sleeping last night and the icky feelings brought up by this commercial have stuck with me all day today.

Here are a few of my random thoughts ...

I don't need to be reminded (during the Superbowl, of all times!) of all the experiences I'm missing out on with Hannah.  Yes, I got to see her learn to ride a bike, but I didn't have the opportunity to see her go to college with her best friend, and I will never celebrate at her wedding.  Shoot, I can't even watch the Super Bowl with her.  I have not forgotten that I'll never experience these things with her.  I live with that knowledge every day.

BUT, these are experiences I'M missing out on ... Hannah is not missing out on a thing!  That poor, pathetic kid in the commercial (what parent would agree to have their child play that role?) made it appear that because he was dead, he was missing all the fun stuff.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

I also didn't need to be reminded that children die, often in what the world calls "accidents."  Because of my role in the While We're Waiting ministry, I literally spend hours every day interacting with parents who have lost children.  Sometimes I think I have heard every possible horrific way a child can lose his or her life.  Believe me, it gets heavy.

BUT, I believe with all that is in me that God is sovereign, and that He has appointed the number of days each of us will live before we are born.  Psalm 139:16 says, "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  And Job 14:5 says, "A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."  Therefore, the word "accident" seems to be misapplied here.  The 17-year-old son of one of our WWW board members drowned in six feet of water a little over a year ago.  This dad does not refer to what happened as an "accident", but rather the "incident" by which his son was taken to Heaven.

My daughter did not die from an "accident", but from cancer.  And even in that situation, Satan still whispers in my ear from time to time that it's somehow my fault that she is no longer here with us ... If only we'd discovered her tumor sooner, or gone to a different hospital, or tried a different treatment, or had more faith, etc., etc.  Satan is the father of lies, and I don't know a single bereaved parent who is not engaged in a daily battle with him.  This commercial, which referred to "preventable accidents" plays right into his hand.  Who's supposed to prevent them, if not the parents?  I've talked to so many parents who are so heavily burdened by guilt, they can hardly breathe.

BUT, the power of life and death is not in our hands.  As a parent, there is nothing I could have done to extend Hannah's life even one day past February 26, 2009.  If it wasn't brain cancer that took her to Heaven, it might have been one of those "preventable accidents."  God's purpose for Hannah was fulfilled in the number of days He gave her. I will NOT listen to the lies of Satan and accept any responsibility for her death.

Nationwide has issued a statement saying that this ad was not an attempt to sell insurance, but rather to bring awareness to the issue of child safety.  Eh.  Maybe.  If it was an attempt to sell insurance, it was clearly an epic fail, as I've seen a number of people today stating that they'll NEVER do business with Nationwide ... and I would include myself in that number.

BUT, here's the thing ... It doesn't matter who you buy your insurance from, no amount of insurance can prevent your death or guarantee you an eternity in Heaven when you die.  We can try to create our own insurance by going to church, or being a good neighbor, or donating money to worthy causes ... but unless we have a relationship with Jesus Christ, that stuff means absolutely nothing.

If this commercial causes you to seriously consider where you're going to spend eternity, then maybe it wasn't such a failure after all.

Monday Mourning -- Not Because of How We Feel

Many of you know that the While We're Waiting ministry hosts a Facebook page.  Actually, we host two Facebook pages -- a public one, which we encourage anyone who is interested in this ministry to "like" and follow -- and a private one, with membership limited just to parents who have lost a child.

 
Something amazing has been going on on that private page this month.

While the rest of Facebook has been filled with posts from people doing their obligatory "30 Days of Thanks" during the month of November ... stating their thankfulness for everything from the health of their children to the fact that the lines at Wal-Mart were short on that particular day ... the members of the "While We're Waiting -- Support for Bereaved Parents" page have been sharing the things they're grateful for as well.

And the list has been nothing short of astounding.  And humbling.

The fact that these statements of thanks come from hearts which have been crushed into pieces make them all the more precious.  I believe that they are a sweet aroma to the Lord, made all the sweeter by the sacrifice required to see these things as gifts from Him.

Here is just a peek into this amazing list.  These parents are thankful:

• for the fog of grief that helped them survive the initial days, weeks, and months after their child's death
• that their child is no longer suffering from physical illness, addiction, or mental illness; or for those who died young, that they never experienced heartache
• that they already had appropriate clothing to wear to the funeral; or that they had friends who helped "dress them"
• for their dog, who forced them to get outside every day for walks
• for the opportunity to be transparent and authentic with their surviving children
• for co-workers who did not expect them to be "back to normal" right away
• that their son had not had a haircut recently so they could save a lock of his hair
• for people who opened their homes so extended family had a place to stay around the time of the funeral
• for items they found after their child's death with their child's handwriting on them
• for a friend who brought their son a birthday cake after his death 
• for a friend who brought toilet paper to their home
• that their child died in their own backyard
• that their child died doing something he or she loved
• that they were able to hold their child as she took her last breaths
• for supportive teachers and administrators at their child's school
• for friends who organized pictures, details, etc., for their child's funeral
• for their child's salvation
• that their child's death makes the need for a Savior so very real
• for people who began a relationship with Jesus or renewed that relationship because of their child's death
• that their last words to their child were, "I love you."

Not exactly the typical "What I'm Thankful For" list we often hear at this time of year.

The picture above, from Ann Voskamp, perfectly captures what is happening here.  These parents are thankful to God, not because of how they feel, but because of Who He is.  I've made that picture my Facebook profile picture this month, just to remind myself of the truth of it.

Many of these precious folks also expressed thankfulness for the While We're Waiting ministry, and I can't tell you how humble and grateful that makes me feel.  WWW is a gift God has given us as part of our healing process after Hannah's homegoing, and we feel privileged that He has entrusted us with it.  

May we always be thankful to God for Who He is, and not because of how we feel.

While We're Waiting Wednesday -- WWW Retreat for Bereaved Parents

Once again, God did above and beyond all that we could ask or imagine at our While We're Waiting Retreat for Bereaved Parents this past weekend!  Two of our couples had to cancel at the last minute, but we still had a wonderful group of moms and dads.  What a blessing it was to hear the stories of their precious children ... something we consider a sacred privilege.

As always, the story is best told through pictures.

Family Farm is beautiful any time of the year, but I especially love it in the fall.

It just so happened that the infamous polar vortex, bringing record cold temperatures to Arkansas, coincided with our weekend together.  There was literally frost on the pumpkin on Saturday morning!

We didn't spend as much time outside as we usually do, thanks to the unseasonable chill, but we did visit the animals ...

And a few brave folks took a trip down Slide Mountain ...

But we spent most of our time inside by the cozy fireplace.  Discussing issues faced by bereaved parents ...

Sharing the stories of our precious kids ...

And, of course, eating lots of good food prepared by our awesome chef ...

One of the highlights of the weekend, and a first for our While We're Waiting Weekend, took place on Saturday evening.  After dinner we went outside and launched sky lanterns. We talked about how these lanterns were flat and lifeless when we took them out of the packages, kind of like our lives when we are grieving. But, as the warmth of the flame filled them, they began to rise and give light for all to see. We discussed how we wanted to live our lives as lights in the world, in honor of both our children and our Lord.  It was a very special time.

We wrapped up this event on Sunday morning with a time of praise and worship, along with an object lesson to help us remember some of the things we discussed over the course of the weekend.

And this group of folks, who were complete strangers to one another on Friday evening, left as close friends, bound together by our love for our children and for our Savior.

Can't wait for our next While We're Waiting Weekend!

Our While We're Waiting Weekends for Bereaved Parents are offered at no cost to the attendees.  If you're interested in attending one of these events, please click here for more information.  Or, if you'd like to make a tax-deductible donation to While We're Waiting so that we can continue to offer events like this, please click here.

While We're Waiting Wednesday -- An Update!

It's been awhile since I've posted an updated on the While We're Waiting ministry ... so I'm going to take advantage of a quiet evening at home to try to catch you up.

There's been a lot going on!  We continue to host retreat events for bereaved parents every few months ... some here in Arkansas, and some on the road.  Our most recent parents' weekend was in Wichita Falls, Texas, and we were blessed to meet some wonderful moms and dads there.  We were so grateful to Ron and Kathleen Duncan, who opened their home to our group for that event.  We have two more "on the road" parents' weekends on the schedule, one in northwest Arkansas in February, which is already completely booked, and one in Madison, Mississippi, in June.

We have Mini-Retreats for Bereaved Moms on the calendar in January, March, and June.  January and March are already full, but we have a few openings left for our June 27th date.  We've got a Dads' Weekend scheduled for the last weekend in April, and the guys are really looking forward to that event.

We will be kicking off a Parents' Weekend at our "home" site, Family Farm, in just ten days.  This event has been completely booked for several months now, and there are moms and dads from six different states who will be in attendance.  We cannot wait to meet these parents and hear their children's stories.

Attendance at our monthly support group meetings continues to increase each month.  It's hard to say that that's a good thing, because we sincerely wish there was no need for a group like this, but since there is, we are grateful that God chooses to use WWW in this way.

And since January of 2014, we've mailed 128 Hope Packages to recently-bereaved parents.  Truly a labor of love.

But here's what we're most excited about!!!

For some time now, we've felt God calling us to build a facility which will be dedicated to serving bereaved parents through these While We're Waiting events.  Our desire has been to create a comfortable, safe, warm, home-like lodge where parents who have lost children can gather, with no need to wear a "mask", knowing that they are surrounded by those who understand.  A place where hurting moms and dads can be pointed to our one true source of hope, Jesus Christ.  A refuge, where we can encourage each other to live well while we're waiting to be reunited with our children in Heaven.

Fifty acres with an older home at the edge of Hot Springs is being donated to the While We're Waiting ministry, and that will be the site of the While We're Waiting Refuge.  It's out in the country, surrounded by acres and acres of thoroughbred farms.  Brad and Larry have been spending some of their Saturdays clearing the property ...

Can you picture a "While We're Waiting Refuge" sign hanging here at the entrance?  :-)

And just this past week, we had a drawing done of what the inside of the lodge is going to look like ...

I don't know if you can tell much from this drawing, but if you look closely, you can see the existing house at the top, with an extension drawn toward the bottom of the page which includes six 16'x16' bedrooms, each with a closet and private bath.  The driveway comes up from the bottom of the picture and curves around, circling a separate building which will have four more of these 16'x16' bedrooms.  There will be a vaulted roof area connecting the main lodge to those four bedrooms, and the driveway will go under it so folks will have a covered area in which to unload.  If you look back up to the top of the drawing, you'll see a large meeting room drawn in, which will overlook the rolling hills and pond on that part of the property.  We are having a concept drawing done now, and I can't wait to see it!

All these wonderful things require funds, and God is faithfully providing.  Our events are offered at no cost to the participants (although donations are accepted), so all of our funding comes solely from gifts and contributions.  Little by little, we've watched God grow our bank account, and we are so grateful.  

We are committed to building this facility without incurring any debt, so we are praying for more supporters who will come alongside and assist us financially (and/or physically!) with this project.  We've recently updated the donation page on our While We're Waiting website to make it easier to partner with us.  You can now choose the amount you'd like to donate, and even sign up to make a recurring donation if you choose to.  You can specify if you'd like to make your donation in memory or in honor of someone, and we'll even send a card to notify that person or that person's family of your donation if you'd like for us to do so.  It's completely secure, and because we are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation, all donations are tax deductible.  We'll send you a receipt for the IRS at the end of the year.  Click here to go straight to our donation page if you'd like to be a part of this project.  

So ... Now you're all caught up on the While We're Waiting ministry.  I'm going to try to make "While We're Waiting Wednesdays" a regular feature on this blog, so if you're interested in following what God is doing in WWW, be sure to check in from time to time.  I hope to be posting a ground-breaking picture soon!

Monday Mourning -- When Your Soul Hurts

It's October.  Almost the 22nd of October, in fact.  A day that I once anticipated with great joy ... the day I met this little beauty.  She was induced, so I knew when I woke up that Tuesday morning 23 years ago (Did I really sleep the night before? I don't think so!) I would finally get to see our baby for the first time.  To add to the anticipation, we did not know if this baby was going to be a girl or a boy ... something almost unheard of these days!

I remember the doctor exclaiming, "It's a girl!"  Such a joy flooded my soul.  I had only brothers growing up.  I knew nothing about raising girls ... but I was thrilled, nonetheless.

From that day on, October 22nd was a day to look forward to.  Carefully selecting birthday presents, lovingly wrapping them, anticipating her excitement as she opened them.  Choosing a theme for her birthday party, making (or usually buying, ha!) her a cake, sending invitations to her friends.  Watching her grow from a baby to a toddler, a toddler to a child, a child to an awkward pre-teen, an awkward pre-teen to a beautiful young lady.  October 22nd was a joyful mile marker, a date to celebrate another year of our precious girl's life.

On October 22, 2008, Hannah turned 16 ... truly a milestone birthday!  Her gift that year was a bright red Mazda Protege'.  It was a hand-me-down from me, but that didn't matter to her.  She was thrilled!  She drove it around proudly for about four months before she was diagnosed with cancer.  The effects of brain surgery and radiation made her unable to drive and she surrendered her keys without a word of complaint.

Hannah's 17th birthday came around about three weeks after we found out that her cancer had returned with a vengeance.  Three weeks after her doctor, with tears in his eyes, told us that she had less than a five percent chance of survival.  And two days before she lost every strand of her thick, curly hair.  That was a tough birthday.  How do you celebrate your child's birthday, knowing that unless God does a miracle, it will be her last?  Somehow He gave us the grace to get through that day and the months that followed.

Hannah's 18th birthday came around eight months after she went to Heaven.  Oh, how I dreaded that day!  I really don't remember much about it, but I know that Brad, Bethany, and I went to her grave and covered it with rose petals.  I also made a Mississippi Mud Cake, which had become Hannah's annual birthday request once she outgrew the Barney and Barbie cakes.  Over the past several years, those two things have become a tradition on her birthday.  Not exactly the way we envisioned marking October 22nd for the rest of our lives.

That brings us to this week ... the week Hannah would be turning 23.  Twenty-three?  Twenty-three is a grown woman, a college graduate, someone who is starting a career, possibly married, maybe even with a new baby in her arms. It's so hard to see a 23-year-old woman standing in the place of the 17-year-old girl who left us.

I'm not going to lie.  Weeks like this are tough ... even though this will be Hannah's sixth birthday in Heaven.  My heart hurts.  My soul hurts.  Especially when I contrast these October 22nds with the October 22nds of the past.

In Psalm 42, the psalmist writes these words ...

3 "My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng."

Even as he weeps, he remembers how he used to shout with joy and praise while he participated in festivities.

Just like our family used to get so much joy from celebrating our girl on October 22nd, a day that is now marked by tears.

But, thankfully, he doesn't stop there.  In the very next verse he says this ...

5 "Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God."

Did you catch that?  The psalmist talks to himself!  Well, actually, he talks to his soul ... and he reminds it that there's really no reason to be downcast and disturbed.  He reminds it (and us) that we need to put our hope in God, and that even though our heart and soul are hurting, we can still praise Him.  Truly a sacrifice of praise.

My parents always told me it wasn't nice to "talk back" when I was growing up, and we taught our girls the same thing.  But you know what?  This week, when my soul tells me I should be downcast and disturbed because I'll be visiting Hannah's grave on her birthday, instead of celebrating with her in person, I'm going to talk back to it.  I'm going to tell it where my hope is, and that that I'm going to choose to praise my God.  Because He is my Savior, and He was Hannah's Savior, I will spend eternity celebrating October 22nds with her!  Truly a reason to rejoice, even on those days when my soul hurts.

Monday Mourning -- Candy Land

Anybody remember the game Candy Land?  I absolutely loved playing Candy Land when I was a kid, and my girls loved it, too.

It was our favorite game to play together, and was always our go-to game when one of them had to stay home from school because they were sick.

I can still remember how excited Hannah would get when she got to take one of the shortcuts.  She'd say, "Look Mommy!  I get to go up the 'Wainbow Twail!'"  For the uninitiated, she was referring to the "Rainbow Trail" ... a shortcut that allowed you to skip a large portion of the long, winding trail.  There was another shortcut called the Gumdrop Pass, which took you through the Gumdrop Mountains, but that one wasn't nearly as exciting because you didn't get to skip as much.

The game was also a lot of fun (or not!) because of the unpredictability.  Your little gingerbread person could just be racing along, making great progress, almost to the Candy Castle, and BAM, you'd draw a Plumpy card and you're almost back to the beginning.  Or, you could be dragging along, feeling like you're getting nowhere, and WOO HOO, you'd pull a Queen Frostine card, and suddenly you're back in the running.

For some reason, I was thinking about Candy Land the other day (I know, random, right?) and it struck me how much this simple children's game is like the journey of the grieving parent.

I guess because we hear so much about the "stages of grief", we sometimes get the idea that the road of grief is a straight shot through all those stages, and that everybody travels the same route.  In truth, it's much more like the path on a Candy Land board, constantly meandering back and forth and folding in on itself.  Our path to the Candy Castle (healing) is a winding one, and it's different for every person.

And as much as we'd like to take the Rainbow Trail or even the Mountain Pass to skip some of the really tough parts, we can't.  We have to take every step through the Gumdrop Mountains, the Lollipop Woods, and the Molasses Swamp.

Sometimes we'll be moving along the trail and think we're doing okay ... even pretty well ... when Wham! Something hits us out of the blue, and knocks us back the way we came, maybe even almost all the way back to the beginning.  And sometimes we feel like we're not making any progress at all, when God gives us a special boost of encouragement and suddenly we're at the Ice Cream Sea.

One thing I do know about Candy Land ... the only way to finish the game is to keep on playing.  If we grow weary of the setbacks, and we lay our little gingerbread person down beside the trail, we'll never make it to the Candy Castle.  Or if we conclude that the game is just not fair and throw it up in the air, scattering playing pieces and cards everywhere, healing becomes even more elusive.

And the only way we can keep playing is to hold the hand of Jesus as we walk.  Maybe that's why the people who made the Candy Land game made those little playing pieces with their hands out to the sides like that ... to remind us to hold His hand on the journey.

Or maybe I'm the only one who sees all these crazy parallels between Candy Land and the grief journey.  That is certainly possible.  :)

Monday Mourning -- How to Help a Grieving Friend (Part 4)

This will be the final installment of a series of posts I wrote back in November of 2010 about how to help those who are grieving.  I hope the re-posting of this series has been helpful to you as you encounter those who are hurting and heartbroken by their circumstances in life.

As I read over this post today, I had to smile when I read the second to the last paragraph, where I refer to a "new venture" God had placed on our hearts.  That "new venture" is now known as "While We're Waiting", and God has indeed blessed it beyond our wildest dreams.  I'm so grateful and humbled that God has entrusted this ministry to us.

OK, so we're finally coming to the end of my seemingly endless blogging on grief. Whew! I don't know about you, but it's been kind of a rough series of posts for me. I've just learned so much over the last couple of years...things that I had absolutely no idea about before...and I've wanted to share it all. As I said when I started all of this (please read the last three posts if this is your first visit to this blog), I just don't think we spend enough time talking about grief, especially in our churches, when we are surrounded by people slogging their way through it.

So, back to Nancy Guthrie's four needs of grieving people:

They have intense sadness that is lonely and lingering and needs to be respected.

They have significant questions that need to be answered in light of Scripture.

They have broken relationships that need to be healed.

And finally,

They have a deep desire to discover some meaning and purpose in their loss.

Once again, I think she's right on with this one. It has made a huge difference to us that we've been able to actually see God's purpose being fulfilled through Hannah's death. I think we've been particularly blessed in that regard due to the fact that Hannah actually prayed for a storm in order to give God glory and to bring others closer to Him. We've seen her prayer answered over and over again, and it continues to be answered even today.

I really believe there is some purpose in every loss...we sometimes just have to look a lot harder to see it. I don't believe that God does things randomly. Now, we may not find that purpose until we get to Heaven someday...and we may have to learn to live with that. He didn't promise us answers, but He did promise us Himself.

I think that Nancy could have added a subpoint under this one, but she didn't...so I will. Here it is.

They have a deep desire that their loved one be remembered.

You know, when an elderly person dies, they leave behind a legacy. They have children, grandchildren, maybe even great grandchildren...all of whom carry their DNA. They've had a lifetime to build relationships with others, and their influence in life may have been very widespread. Long after they leave this earth, their legacy lives on through their descendants and the people they've influenced during their long lifetime.

When a child dies, there is none of that. That child will never have a single descendant; their relationships have been few; and their circle of influence has been limited. After they leave this earth, their parents, siblings, extended family members and close friends are still filled with their memories, but not many others.

This is why so many bereaved parents start foundations, establish scholarships, or launch ministries following the death of their children. They have a deep desire not only for their child to be remembered, but also to bring good out of a tragic situation. Just a few great projects that have sprung up out of immense grief are the following: Keep the Faith, Kamo's Kids, and Vincent & Annabella's Garden. God has a way of bringing beauty out of ashes, but we must be willing to let Him use our sorrow for His purposes.

We've been so grateful that He's allowed us numerous opportunities to share His glory through Hannah's story, and that He's brought the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry into being as a result of our experiences with cancer. We are particularly excited about two things that He is doing right now.

We have been asked to speak at the Arkansas Children's Hospital Hematology/Oncology Memorial Service on Sunday, November 21st. This is an annual service that is held for families who have lost children to cancer over the past year. I must say that I am thrilled and terrified about this opportunity all at the same time. Thrilled, because I am looking forward to sharing what God has taught us over the past 20 months, but terrified at the thought of being back at Children's Hospital. I have not been back there since the day Hannah was rolled out of there on our way to the hospice center. It will be a difficult day emotionally, so prayers would be greatly appreciated!!

We are also excited about a new venture that God has placed on our hearts. I don't want to disclose too many details yet, because it is all still coming together, but we have been meeting with another bereaved couple about it, and it is very apparent that God is at work. That's all I'm going to say about it right now, but I will share more when I'm able. We would also appreciate prayers about this project, even though I'm not going to tell you what it is at this point. Just please pray that God will keep His hand upon it, that we will follow His leadership, and that He will bring it together according to His will.

Thanks for sticking with me through this whole series on grief. I've often said that even if I knew nobody else ever read it, I'd continue to write this blog simply because it helps me so much. I am thankful that there are people who read it, though, and it always makes my day when I hear from someone that something I wrote helped them in some way. It's humbling, too, and even a little bit scary to know that so many people read what I write. I pray that I will always be careful to follow God's leadership as I write. And thank YOU for your faithful prayers in that regard!!

Thoughtful Thursday -- On Guilt

Take a minute and think back to, oh, maybe about sixth grade.  You’re sitting in your classroom at school, minding your own business, when the kid sitting behind you fires off a large spitball at the teacher, hitting her square in the back of the head.  The teacher whirls around and says, “All right, who did that?”  Of course, no one raises their hand.  So she says, “All right, class, we’re all just going to sit here until the guilty person confesses.”  She crosses her arms and waits, tapping her foot on the floor.  As the seconds tick by, and the silence lengthens, you start squirming in your seat.  You may even begin to sweat a little bit.  You KNOW you didn’t do it, but for some reason you begin to feel guilty.  Should you confess, just to end the tension?  You finally breathe a huge sigh of relief when the kid behind you says, “It was me.”

Guilt.  It's a heavy weight to bear.  Paralyzing, really.

Guilt is a common emotion among parents.  From the time our kids are born, it seems like there’s something to feel guilty about.  For us moms, it starts even before they’re born … “Oh man, I shouldn’t have had that sip of Diet Coke.”  Then, as they grow, there are more and more things to feel guilty about … not sterilizing that pacifier that was dropped on the floor, letting your kids watch too much TV, eating ice cream for supper occasionally.  The list could go on and on.  It seems that, as parents, we are just wired to feel guilt.

When a child dies, that guilt can be overwhelming.  I think every parent who has lost a child deals with guilt to some degree or another.  As parents, we believe that our main responsibility is to protect our child, so it just follows that sometimes we feel that our child’s death must somehow be our fault.

This idea is as old as the oldest book in the Bible.  Even Job’s friends told Job that he must somehow be responsible for all the tragedy that had befallen him.

But this idea assumes that the power of life and death are in our hands, and our child died because we dropped the ball somehow.  The Bible tells us again and again that only God is sovereign over life and death.  Job 14:5  (NIV) says, "A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."  And Psalm 139:16 reminds us that God ordained our days before we were ever born.

We talk with a lot of parents as we host While We're Waiting events, and we sometimes encounter parents who believe their child’s death is a punishment from God because of some kind of sin in their own life.

We always remind them that the price for all of our sins was paid by Jesus’ death on the cross.  Most everyone is familiar with John 3:16 … “For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.”  But, we often neglect the following verse, John 3:17 … “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.”

And listen to what Romans 8:31-34 has to say about this topic …

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us."

And then there’s Romans 8:1, which says …

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."

When we continue to wallow in guilt, we are demonstrating a lack of trust in God.  If we are Christians, and we believe Jesus died on the cross so we could be forgiven of our sin, yet we continue to believe that the loss of our child is somehow a punishment from God, we are saying that we do not trust Him to hold up His end of the bargain in forgiving us.

We must continually make the choice to put our trust in God’s Word and not our feelings.  Our feelings will lie to us every time.  This choice must be made daily, or even moment by moment.

Romans 8:34 says that Christ Jesus is at the right hand of God and is interceding for us. As long as we remain shackled by guilt, we can do nothing for Him ... and Satan loves that!  We honor our Lord and His sacrifice for us by accepting the grace and peace He so freely offers.

Monday Mourning -- How to Help a Grieving Friend (Part 3)

It's Monday ... That means it's time for the third installment of "How to Help a Grieving Friend", a reprise of a series of blog posts I wrote back in the fall of 2010.  This one is a bit lengthy (sorry about that!) but I hope it is helpful to you as you encounter those who are hurting.  It's from November 4, 2010 ...

Picking up where we left off.....(Please read the last two posts if you're new to this blog).....I'd like to share more about our experience with grief after losing our daughter to cancer a little over 20 months ago. Again, credit goes to Nancy Guthrie and Greg Laurie for the basic outline of these thoughts.

According to Nancy, grieving people have four primary needs. In my last two posts, I discussed the first two:

Grieving people have intense sadness that is lonely and lingering that needs to be respected.

Grieving people have significant questions that need to be answered in light of Scripture.
Now, for the third:

Grieving people have broken relationships that need to be healed.

A crisis or grief situation can cause enormous stress within a family, and in outside relationships as well. Again, my comments on this topic are those of a bereaved parent, since that is the only kind of grief I'm familiar with.

Have you ever heard the statistic that 75% (or 85% or 90%!) of couples divorce after the death of a child? I certainly had...and then I was actually reminded of it by a few "helpful" people after Hannah went to Heaven. But did you know that that statistic is a myth? Recent studies show that the divorce rate for bereaved couples is actually BELOW the national average! If you don't believe me, google it! A 2006 study by The Compassionate Friends (the nation's largest self-help bereavement organization for families) actually shows that only 16% of bereaved couples divorce. Who knew?

Now, that's not to say that there are not stresses on a marriage resulting from the death of a child (especially if the marriage is already strained before the loss). There certainly are...not the least of which is the fact that husbands and wives tend to grieve differently. Brad and I certainly do, and it requires a great deal of patience and understanding to allow each other the space and time to do so. There are times when we might wonder if our spouse will ever be the same...and you know what? They probably won't! Losing a child is a life-transforming experience...Neither spouse will ever be the same. But that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. If we allow Him, God can use our experiences to change us for the better, and to bring us into an even stronger relationship with Him and with our spouses. In one of her books, Nancy Guthrie describes the relationship between bereaved spouses as that of two wounded soldiers, limping off the battlefield, leaning heavily on each other, basically holding each other up as they are walking. Now that's a word picture I can relate to!

Relationships with extended family can also become strained, as expectations regarding holidays, family gatherings, birthdays, etc., can become a source of stress. Often, grieving families want to start completely new traditions, and extended family members may not understand. They are grieving, too, and sometimes just don't know how they can help their hurting loved ones navigate these difficult waters. Some bereaved families choose to just "skip Christmas" or other holidays for a year or so. We didn't skip Christmas last year (though we considered it!), but we did do some things differently, because some of our family traditions were just too painful. I'm chafing a little bit at the Christmas displays I'm already seeing at Wal-Mart...We just work at surviving one holiday at a time these days. Hannah's birthday is behind us...we tackle Thanksgiving next...I'll start thinking about Christmas after that.

Then there are those people outside of the grieving family...the people who love them, who are concerned about them, and who desperately want to say something to make them "feel better." These people are well-meaning, and have only the family's best interest at heart. But...some of the things they say can hurt. Or even if they don't really hurt, at best they're not helpful. Here's a list of some rather "unhelpful" things that people commonly say to grieving people:

"I understand what you're going through." (Unless you really, truly do...if, for example, you've also had a child who died of cancer. And even then, nobody REALLY understands another person's grief.)

"He/She is in a better place." (Yes, I'm glad Hannah is in a better place...but I really wish she was still here with us!)

"It's a good thing you have another child." (Ummm...No comment.)

"God always picks His best flowers first." (What does that even mean?)

"God must have needed him/her more than you did." (But couldn't He have left him/her here for a little longer? I really needed him/her, too!)

"God must have wanted another angel in Heaven." (I'm really not sure this one passes theological muster. I don't think Hannah is an angel...I believe she is far superior to the angels.)

"How are you doing?"...followed by a hand on your arm and a compassionate look deep into your eyes with the follow-up question..."But how are you REALLY doing?" (Especially if you are in a public place...that second question can often lead to the release of a lot of pent-up emotion that the person may not wish to share with everyone.) Let me also say...If you are a very close friend or family member of the grieving person, you are in a private place, and you are prepared for an honest response, it's okay to ask these questions.

Then there's the other extreme...the avoiders. I understand this group very well, because I have been (and still kind of am) one of them. These are the folks who see a grieving family coming down the church hallway or down the aisle at Wal-Mart, and suddenly realize that they need to go to the bathroom, or remember that there was something they forgot to pick up in another aisle. I know this because I've done it!! I've done it for two different reasons...one was that I simply didn't know what to say and was afraid of saying something wrong, and the other was that I was afraid I might start crying, choke up, and not be able to say anything at all. Did you catch that both reasons involved being afraid? I really think that's the root of the avoidance issue.

Some grieving families are very hurt by the fact that people avoid them, or may spend time with them, but avoid the subject that they most want to talk about. For me, personally, this has not been a problem, because I understand the avoiders so well. For many people, though, this can be a source of great pain and lead to broken relationships.

I hope you're not beating yourself up right now and thinking, "Oh no! I've been doing (or saying) everything wrong for my grieving friend or family member!" Please don't do that! As Paul would say, "I am the chief" of wrongdoers in this area, and only learned better through the death of my own child. I still slide back into my avoiding habits from time to time...Thankfully, God is still working on me.

So, what's the "right" thing to do when you encounter a grieving person or family? I think a lot depends on how well you know the person. If they are just an acquaintance or someone you have a relatively shallow relationship with, it is probably best to say something like, "I'm sorry about what happened. I'm praying for you." This is highly preferable to "How are you doing?" because it doesn't require a response from the grieving person. If you knew the person who passed away, a brief word about what they meant to you might be appropriate. If you're in a private setting, you might share a little more deeply about what the person meant to you, but be careful about doing this in public settings. It may be more than the grieving person can handle at that particular moment. Honestly, particularly early on in my grief, when I was in public...church, a football game, work...sometimes I was just trying to make it through the event. I would walk through a crowd thinking to myself, "Please don't stop me to talk about Hannah, please don't stop me to talk about Hannah, please don't stop me to talk about Hannah." I knew that if somebody did, I would totally lose it. A brief "I'm praying for you" or a quick hug, I could handle, but not much more than that. Your prayers are absolutely the best gift you can give to a grieving person.

If you know the person well...just love them. Spend time with them. Let them talk. Don't be afraid to bring up the person who has died...I can promise you they're already thinking about them anyway! Allow them to share their questions and struggles without judging. Give them space to work through their emotions, and don't expect them to get over it quickly. Be prepared to spend a lot of time listening, and refrain from attempting to "fix" them. Only God can do that!

I'm almost done...Just a couple more thoughts to share...I promise!

Take a few moments to talk to your children about how to help people who are grieving, especially if you know of a situation they may be encountering with a friend or classmate. When Bethany returned to school a few days after Hannah's funeral, she was met with the following comments from fellow students: "I know just how you feel...my dog died last week." "Hey, I heard your sister kicked the bucket." "How come your sister had to die on my birthday?" I'm not kidding. Her classmates actually said these things to her. Please, please talk to your kids.

Sometimes grieving people have a hard time returning to church after their loss. There are a variety of reasons for this. The memories make it hard...If you've been accustomed to sitting together as a family in church, it can be extraordinarily difficult to come back without one of your family members. Oh, how I miss hearing Hannah singing next to me. The music makes it hard...Music can always trigger emotion, especially when you're grieving. And some of those praise songs can be hard to sing when your heart is heavy and your faith is shaken. The people make it hard (although they don't mean to!)...a grieving person can sometimes feel like they're in a fishbowl, and that everyone is watching them to see "how they're doing." The sermons can make it hard...some messages (particularly those about families) can be difficult for a grieving person to hear. Finally, the expectations make it hard...We tend to have a certain expectation for how people are supposed to behave at church. We dress ourselves up, pick up our Bibles, and put on our smiles. I'll be honest...sometimes it's just too much effort to keep that smile on for two (or more) straight hours. If a grieving person or family doesn't return to church right away after their loss, it may be that they are just not ready to face all of that yet.

I actually started writing this post three days ago. (I'm sorry if it feels like you started reading it three days ago :-) !) I never intended for it to be this long. I've actually lost sleep over this post...waking up early, early in the mornings and thinking about what I wanted to share. My intention is not to criticize or make anyone feel bad about something they've said to a grieving person. And I certainly can't speak for all grieving people...many of them might feel completely differently than I do about some of these things. I can only share from my own experience. And my hope and prayer in sharing all of this is that it will open your eyes and give you a better understanding of those of us who grieve.

Finally...If you are someone who is grieving, and your heart has been broken by something that someone has (or hasn't) said, let me share one last thought with you. The day I started this post, I stopped by our local Christian bookstore to pick up a new 2011 planner, and found a neat little flip calendar for my desk. It's called "Rain on Me: Daily Moments of Hope and Encouragement" by Holley Gerth. When I sat down at my desk to start writing this blog, I opened up that calendar to November 4th, and this is what it said,

"If people have said things to you in God's name that have wounded you deeply, if you sit in the pew on Sunday morning and feel utterly alone in your pain, if you have been hurt by the very ones intended to heal you--then please know that is not God's desire for you. We are imperfect people, and we are capable of tearing each other apart in ways that break our Heavenly Father's heart."

How cool is that? On the very day I sit down to write about grieving people having broken relationships, that is what my brand new calendar says. Someone must have needed to hear that. Our Heavenly Father grieves with us, and some day, He will set all things right.