Free-For-All Friday

Tonight's post will be a truly random collection of thoughts ... Just a few things we've been up to this summer ...

1.  My husband officially started his new job as of July 1st.  He's traded in his orange and black for purple and gold, as the new Director of Curriculum and Instruction for Fountain Lake Public Schools.  I think he looks pretty handsome (and quite happy) in his new color ...

2.  While my husband was out of town for a few days a couple weeks ago, I went to the Red Box and rented Les Miserables.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I absolutely loved it.  In fact, I loved it so much I made Brad sit down and watch it with me last weekend.  I think he actually liked it too ... after I explained it all to him.  I think to really appreciate the movie, you have to have recently read the book or be sitting next to someone who recently read it.

3.  The summer is flying by way too fast!  I've been spending a lot of time lately preparing for professional development presentations I'll be doing at our school and at a private school in Fort Smith.  Honestly, sometimes I think the worst thing about going back to work is that I'll have to put on real pants for a change ... instead of the athletic shorts and t-shirts I've been wearing pretty much every day this summer.

4.  Last week, we had the opportunity to spend a few days in southern Mississippi with our dear friends, Larry and Janice Brown, who are the co-founders of the While We're Waiting ministry.  We always have such a good time with them.  While there, we made a day trip to New Orleans, stopping to tour a beautiful sugar cane plantation on the way.  We also took a day trip to Gulfport, Mississippi, and went for a walk along the beach.  At least we were able to get our toes in the sand for a few minutes this summer!  A few pictures from our trip ...

5.  Bethany has kept busy working as a counselor at a local Christian day camp this summer.  What a great experience it has been for her!  She's had the opportunity to personally lead a number of kids to the Lord over the last several weeks.  Camp ended for the summer yesterday, and for the next few weeks, she and I will be spending our time getting her ready to start college in August ... and planning for her wedding next May.  How on earth did people plan weddings before Pinterest?  I plan to enjoy every minute we have together before she heads off to Fayetteville in a few weeks.

6.  Finally, for the rest of the summer, would you please join me in praying for a precious family?  We became acquainted with Steve and Kim Dillard through a mutual friend, because Steve has been battling brain cancer for a number of years now.  They had questions about the type of chemo that Hannah had received because they were recommending the same type for Steve.  He has done pretty well for the last year or two, but a recent MRI revealed that his tumor is growing again, and it appears to be evolving into a more aggressive type.  They have spent this past week at M.D. Anderson, and Steve will be facing another brain surgery in mid-August.  I cannot tell you what a wonderful family this is ... Steve is a former worship pastor and very talented musician, and Kim has one of the sweetest spirits of anyone I've ever met.  Even in the midst of all she's been dealing with, she has opened her home in northeast Arkansas for the past two summers to host our While We're Waiting Mini Retreats for Moms.  They have two children, Clark, and Kathryn, who has decided to postpone her freshman year of college to be able to spend this time with her dad and to assist her mom with his care.  I know the whole family would appreciate your prayers.  This picture pretty much says it all ...

You can follow the Dillards' story at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/stevedillard213.

Tell About It Tuesday -- While We're Waiting Mini-Retreat for Moms

Wow ... I just did a little counting, and this past Saturday was our tenth While We're Waiting Mini-Retreat for Moms.  Our first one was in June of 2011, and over the past two years, we've had the privilege of hosting 46 moms and hearing the stories of their children who are in Heaven.  I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing that has been.  I really can't even imagine how much I would have missed out on by not having the opportunity to get to know these beautiful ladies and their children.  I'm actually a little bit speechless as I think back over these last two years.  Just wow.

Anyway, we hosted our tenth "Moms' Day" on Saturday, and as always, it was an amazing time of fellowship and encouragement.  Each of our Moms' Days has a theme related to the season of the year, and this month's theme was flamingos.  Our desire is to always create a comfortable, relaxing atmosphere for our get-togethers, and what could be more welcoming than flamingos?

Here were just a few of the flamingos who greeted our guests as they arrived ...

 

And even more as they came inside ...

 Look at this gorgeous table ...

There were even a few flamingos out on the deck, one looking longingly out at the lake ... lol!

Seven moms came this time, which is the most we've ever had at a Moms' Day event.  We even had two moms who came from out of state ... one from Texas, and one from Kansas.  Each of these moms had a beautiful story to share of a precious child who was now in Heaven.  One mom actually had two sons waiting for her there!

After we shared our stories, discussed a variety of topics specifically related to grieving moms, and had some expertly-administered private massages, it was time for dinner.

Now, at all of our Moms' Days, we always have a five-course gourmet dinner.  When we meet in Hot Springs, our dear Chef Franklin always serves up an amazing meal, and we take our Moms' Days on the road, we have Chef Laurie and her sous-chef, Jerry, who spoil us with their amazing cooking.  Well, Chef Franklin was unavailable for this date, and we didn't want to ask Laurie and Jerry to come all the way to Hot Springs on short notice, so we decided to wing it.  Janice and I decided to put our husbands to work, and here's what they came up with!

Our appetizer ... A delicious fresh tomato with sliced mozzarella and proscuitto, drizzled with an Italian dressing ...

Our salad ... Romaine lettuce with sliced strawberries, shaved Parmesan, slivered almonds, and an oil and vinegar dressing...

The intermezzo ... Raspberry sorbet with cherry juice (cherry 7-Up) and fresh blueberries ... Mine was a little melty!

Our entree was chicken with spinach and mushrooms, green beans, and cheesy potatoes.  We cheated a little here ... This was from The Daily Dish in Hot Springs, and it was delicious!

And our dessert was prepared by Kelley Brown, Janice's daughter-in-law.  It was hands down one of the best desserts I've had ... a decadent chocolate mint brownie with this beautiful little frosting topping.  Soooo good!

Here's a picture of Kelley along with our two waiters.  She helped them out in the kitchen and kept them on track with what they were supposed to be doing.  You know, sometimes men need a little help!  Don't you love the guys' Hawaiian shirts and khaki shorts to go along with the flamingo theme?

After dinner, each mom headed home with a flamingo gift bag containing a pink "Jesus Calling" book and some other goodies.  More importantly, each mom headed home with a whole group of new friends who will be lifting her up in prayer, and a new determination to live well while she's waiting to be reunited with her child(ren) in Heaven one day.

Finally, here's a picture of our group of Moms.  What a special bunch of ladies these are ... I'm so blessed to have heard their stories of sorrow mixed with hope and faith.  (Yes, we are wearing flamingo leis!)

A few of the moms wrote comments to share ...

"If you can possibly attend -- do -- as you will experience a day of pure Christian conversation with parents who share the same grief as you.  Your heart will feel so much lighter when you leave."

"A day of healing.  I wasn't sure, and it wasn't easy, but I'm glad I went.  Good to be with other mothers who can understand fully and cry with me."

"This group is great.  It was good to laugh and cry with other mothers who are waiting."

Maybe you're a mom who's missing a child who is in Heaven ... Or maybe you know someone who is.  Our next While We're Waiting Mini-Retreat for Moms is scheduled for September 7, 2013, and you can register or get more information by clicking here.  We can't promise you a day full of flamingos in September, but we can promise you a day of healing, encouragement, and fellowship in a safe place with other moms who understand!

Ten on the Tenth -- Ten Things NOT to Say to Grieving Parents

At our While We're Waiting support group meeting last month, we spent the evening discussing how we often find ourselves in the position of having to extend grace to people who ... how shall I say this ... misspeak in their attempts to comfort us.  These are well-meaning people, folks who desperately want us to feel better, often friends and family members who just want us to be back to "normal."

As you can imagine, it was a lively discussion.  Every one of us who has a child in Heaven has had an encounter with a clumsy comforter.  But we shouldn't feel alone ... that experience goes all the way back to the time of Job!  Talk about some lousy friends ... Job takes that prize for sure!  In fact, listen to what he had to say to them in his own words, "Then Job answered and said: 'I have heard many such things; Miserable comforters are you all!'"  I guess he told them!

Here are ten things that, in my opinion, should NOT be said to a grieving parent:

1.  "I understand how you feel."  The only time this is ever appropriate is if you are a bereaved parent yourself.  And even then, everybody's experience is different.  I can't even really understand how Brad and Bethany feel, because their relationship with Hannah was different than mine.

2.  "How are you doing?"  This puts the bereaved parent in the awkward position of either forcing a smile and squeezing out an insincere, "Oh, I'm okay," or melting into uncontrollable tears at the thought of how not okay they really are.  One exception here ... If you are a very close friend or family member, it can be acceptable to ask this question, but only if you are prepared to invest the time and emotional support necessary to allow the grieving person to fully and honestly answer it.

3.  "She's gone to a better place."  All of us who have lost children are so glad there is a Heaven, and that our children, if they knew Jesus as their Savior, are there ... but I have yet to meet a bereaved parent who wouldn't rather have their child right here with them.  Heaven is a great comfort, but it does not ease the pain we feel as we miss our children.

4.  "At least you have another child/other children."  Those of us who have other surviving children are unspeakably grateful to have them ... but those children in no way take the place of the one we have lost.  And if we are young enough and choose to have another child, that child is not a replacement for the one we have lost.

5.  "God always picks His best flowers first."  Ummm ... What does that even mean?  (Shaking my head...)

6.  "God must have needed another angel in Heaven."  This one doesn't pass theological muster with me ... I believe that Scripture teaches that angels are a completely separate created order, and that humans who die do not become angels.  If God wants another angel in Heaven, He can create one!

7.  "You're so strong.  I could never survive if I lost my child."  I haven't met a bereaved parent yet who thought they could survive this type of loss either ... yet they have ... and some of them have even survived the loss of multiple children.   And most of them will tell you that they don't feel strong at all ... at times they are nearly too weak to stand.  This kind of statement can also put a lot of pressure on a bereaved parent ... It can make us feel like we have to be strong all the time because that's what people are expecting.  And that can be exhausting (not to mention impossible)!

8.  "God saves his hardest battles for his strongest soldiers."  My friend Ronnie, a bereaved mom herself, wrote a blog post addressing this very comment yesterday ... Click here to read what she has to say about it.  I agree with every word she said.

9.  "Are you over the loss of your child yet?" or "Have you gotten closure yet?"  This is sometimes a not-so-subtle implication that we should be "back to normal" by now.  The truth is that we will never be "back to normal."  What we knew as normal is gone forever.  We will get better, but we will never be the same people we were before we went through the loss of our child.

10.  Nothing.  Some people are what I call "avoiders."  I know them well, because I used to be one.  They are so afraid of saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all, and will go to extreme measures to keep from even being in the same room with us.

So what should you say to a grieving parent?  The list is short.  "I'm praying for you."  "I love you."  If you really have no idea what to say, just say, "I don't know what to say."  That's right ... honesty is always good.

And those of us who are bereaved parents would do well to remember Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 ... "Also do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you.  For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others."

Two take-aways from that verse ... "Do not take to heart everything people say" and "your own heart has known that even you have cursed others."   We can't take everything people say to heart ... they are people, after all!  And how many times have we ourselves been "miserable comforters" before we received our unfortunate education?

When people inadvertently say things that add to our pain, we can choose to be touchy and hypersensitive, forcing them to leap impossibly high hurdles as they tiptoe around us ... or we can choose to extend grace to these generally sincere folks who really just want to help us.  Which of these choices is most conducive to our healing?  Which choice honors our child, and more importantly, our Lord?

Extending grace frees us from the twin burdens of resentment and bitterness.  Bad as they may be, anyone's offenses against me are far less than my offenses against God.  "As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive."  Colossians 3:13

Tell About It Tuesday -- "Wednesdays Were Pretty Normal"

You know, you would think with it being summer, I'd be able to post more regularly.  But for some reason, it seems like I've been just as busy as ever.  True, we've had a lot going on with Bethany's graduation, birthday, and engagement, Brad's new job, and juggling While We're Waiting events and activities.  I have to confess that I've been spending a lot of my online time on Pinterest checking out wedding ideas.  So fun!

I do manage to get in an hour of reading everyday while I'm walking on my treadmill, and recently I hit on a really good book.  It has the intriguing title of "Wednesdays Were Pretty Normal" and I had been aware of it for awhile, but had not purchased it.  (I'm pretty stubborn about not paying full price for ebooks!)  I was interested in it because of the subtitle ... "A Boy, Cancer, and God."  And when Amazon temporarily dropped the price on the Kindle edition, I downloaded it right away.

Wow ... What a great book!  Michael Kelley perfectly captured the experience of having a child with cancer.  Mr. Kelley's two-year-old son Joshua was diagnosed with leukemia and began the same type of odyssey we went on with our daughter Hannah.  He tangled with the same questions, fears, and doubts that we did.  It was so refreshing to read how Mr. Kelley addressed these issues in his own life, and to find that he came to the same conclusions we did.  For example, read this excerpt from page 161, as Joshua was facing a possible new round of chemotherapy treatments ...

"If all we do is trust God for a positive outcome, we are subtly implying that we, in our own infinite knowledge and wisdom, know what is best.  That doesn't mean we don't pray specifically for healing, for an end to suffering, for whatever -- we certainly do.  But we pray undergirded with confidence not only in what God can do but in who God is.  That's really what we are choosing to believe.  We are choosing to believe not so much that He would spare us from having to do chemotherapy all over again, but if that is indeed what He chose for us, He would be faithful to uphold us with His strength.  Again."

I could relate to so many of the situations he described in the book.  For example, the author describes the surreal experience of watching his little boy eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without a care in the world, while he and his wife processed the news of his devastating leukemia diagnosis.  I still clearly remember going to Firehouse Subs in Little Rock and watching Hannah contentedly eat her Hook 'n' Ladder sandwich while Brad and I were silently reeling from what her doctor had just told us.

The title?  The author describes how Joshua would receive his chemotherapy treatments on Tuesdays, so that Wednesdays were pretty normal before all the side effects began kicking in later in the week.  Yeah, I get that, too.

Happily, Joshua is doing well and is in remission now.  As any cancer parent knows, though, life is never the same after a diagnosis like this.  Every fever, bruise, cough, or headache is cause for concern ... sometimes on bordering on abject terror.  Here's how he closes the book ...

"Until then we continue to walk with God.  To limp with God.  That limp, the brokenness that will go with us until the end, doesn't just mark us as people who have had a child with cancer.  It's a mark that reminds us of the God who is worthy of our trust.  He's the One we have wrestled, and yet He is the One who has sustained us.  Even now."

Obviously, this is a great book for anyone who has experienced a cancer journey either personally or with their child, it's also a perfect read for anyone who's endured any kind of suffering, including those who have lost children through any means.  There's so much in here about wrestling with God and living by faith in the middle of incredibly difficult circumstances.  It's not "on sale" on Amazon anymore, but it's well worth paying full price, in my opinion!

Monday Mourning -- A Glimpse Into Heaven

What a great weekend we just had!  The entire Sullivan family (all 18 of us) spent the weekend at a beautiful home on Lake Hamilton celebrating my husband's parents' 50th wedding anniversary.

We rented the house several months ago, so this is a weekend we've been looking forward to for quite a while.  It is an absolutely beautiful place, with six bedrooms and seven bathrooms (those multiple bathrooms came in really handy with five teenage girls)!  Here's the front of the house ...

And the back ...

View from the middle deck (there were three!) ...

We enjoyed the infinity pool ...

And did some tubing on the lake ...

We spent time hanging out in the luxurious living room ...

And ate lots of good food, including these awesome cookies my sister-in-law had made for her folks ...

We also spent time going through old photo albums, which contained long-forgotten pictures like this one ...

Looking through old photos like that is a tough thing for me.  Every photo of our happy family of four is a bit of a punch in the gut.  I love to see them ... but I also hate to see them.  Who would have thought back when this picture was taken that the smiling girl on the left would one day wear a real wig to cover a head scarred by the ravages of cancer?  I've gotten "used to" the pictures we have of Hannah, the ones I see all the time ... but an emotional blow comes along with seeing each less familiar picture.  I did find a special treasure -- a picture of me with both of my girls.  There are not many of these, as I always bow out when pictures are being taken .... something I regret now that I can no longer take pictures with both of them.  Here it is ...

Our last evening in the house was spent with the entire crew gathered in the living room, where we listened to my in-laws reminisce about how they met, their first date, their wedding day, the early days of their marriage, and the arrival of their children and grandchildren.  They ended up by sharing dating and marriage advice for all of their granddaughters, and I was glad the affianced couple was there to hear the wisdom they'd gained over the last fifty years!

The evening culminated with the entire family circled up in a time of prayer.  What a blessing to be a part of a family like this!  My husband and I have both been blessed with wonderful Christian families, and we never take that for granted.

Hannah would have absolutely loved this weekend.  There was nothing she would rather do than spend time with her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.  I couldn't help but be sad she wasn't there to share the experience with us.  She would have been laughing all weekend long.  We included her memory as best we could ... we had family pictures taken and we included her picture in many of them ... but family gatherings never feel "right" without her there.

One of the things we discussed as we gathered on that final evening together was the fact that our family might never be all together like that again.  And that is so true.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  Let's be sure that we don't take our loved ones for granted.

This weekend was sort of like a glimpse into Heaven, where we will have all the time in the world (literally!) to spend with those we love who have died in Christ.  But there will be a huge difference. Here it is from Revelation 21:4 -- "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."  I can't wait.

Tell About It Tuesday -- Our Cup Is Overflowing

I tell you what, it's been an exciting few weeks around the Sullivan household.  First, Bethany graduated from high school, then she turned eighteen, and then .... well, let me save that part for a minute.

First, let me share our first big announcement with you.  My husband, after eight years as a high school principal, has accepted a position as the Director of Curriculum and Instruction at another school district in our area.  This will be such a welcome change for him.  A high school principal's position, particularly in a small school district where there is no assistant, is a very labor-intensive, time-intensive, and stress-intensive (is that a word?) job.

He's there every time the doors are open, and is usually the first person to arrive and the last person to leave ... making for a 60-70 hour work week every week during the school year.  There have been a lot of blessings, though ... he was able to be both of our girls' principal ... not many dads get to do that!  And our school community family was absolutely wonderful to us throughout Hannah's illness.  But it was time for a change, and God has provided him with an amazing opportunity at his new school.  This district is about a 25 minute drive from where we live now, so we will not have to move unless we want to.  I imagine we will want to move at some point, but it's nice that we don't have to be in any hurry.  And he is especially pleased about the folks he will be working with in his new central office position ... and that makes this wife very happy.

Now for the second announcement ... Bethany is engaged!  Her long-time boyfriend proposed to her on Friday night, and she said, "Yes!"  The wedding will be next summer, and we are still working on a possible date.  We are beyond excited.  Brad is a wonderful Christian young man who has treated our daughter with the utmost care and respect ever since their first date two years ago.  He was actually a classmate and friend of Hannah's, and I love that when we talk about her, he is able to join in on the conversation.  He will be starting his senior year as a mechanical engineering major at the University of Arkansas this fall, where she will be starting her freshman year, pursuing her goal to be a dental hygienist.

Early on in their dating relationship, they made a commitment not to say "I love you" to each other until they got engaged.  They didn't want to say the words flippantly like so many young couples do these days ... they wanted them to really mean something when they were finally spoken.  And they held to that commitment all this time, making the moment of their engagement even more special.  He popped the question on top of a mountain outside of town (with his brother and sister-in-law hiding in the bushes taking pictures ... heehee) and then they came to see us at Relay for Life where we were spending the evening.  I don't yet have the pictures of the actual engagement, but I'll close this post with a few that we took at Relay.  Look at the joy on those faces ...

And my favorite ...

Our cup is overflowing ... We are truly blessed.

Ten on the Tenth (Times Two)

Sometimes it makes me feel really sad when I think about all the things Hannah missed out on by going to Heaven in her junior year of high school at the age of seventeen ... especially when I think about all the things Bethany's been able to do over the past couple of years.  Hence, this month's Ten on the Tenth -- Ten things Bethany has gotten to experience that Hannah never did.

1.  She was able to enjoy her senior year of high school.

2.  She went to prom.  Actually, this year was her third prom to attend.  And may I just say, I'm thrilled that it was her last.  They were all fun, but I am so done with proms.

3.  She has a serious boyfriend.  They will have been dating two years this month, and he is a wonderful Christian young man.  What a blessing he's been to our family!

4.  She won an individual state championship in high jump and a team state championship in softball.  We are thankful for the opportunities she's had to excel this year!

5.  She graduated from high school!

6.  She started her first job.  She'll be working at Family Farm Christian Day Camp as a counselor this summer.  This is the same location where we hold our While We're Waiting retreats.  I'm so thankful that she will have the opportunity to spend the summer in such an awesome Christian environment before she heads off to college this fall.

7.  She opened her first checking account.  Between her paychecks and some very generous graduation gifts, she has a nice little balance to help her get ready for college.

8.  She turned eighteen this past Friday.  She assures me that that means she is now an adult.  We'll see about that!

9.  She enrolled at the University of Arkansas.  We have not yet gone to her official freshman orientation ... that will come later this summer ... but she is all signed up.

10.  She had the opportunity to lead a child to the Lord last weekend at Family Farm.  Hopefully, this will be just the first of many kids she will have the opportunity to pray with this summer.


Now, for the "Times Two".  As I pondered the preceding list, I realized once again that Hannah really hasn't missed out on anything.  If I'm being perfectly honest, I have to admit that I'm the one who sometimes feels cheated because I didn't get to experience these things with her.  And the more I thought about it, the more I realized all the things Hannah's gotten to experience that Bethany hasn't.

1.  Hannah had the opportunity to discover the depth and reality of her faith as she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and faced brain surgery.  She got to experience firsthand how God carries His children through devastating circumstances as she battled cancer.

2.  She may never have gone to prom, but she is feasting and dancing in Heaven.

3.  Although she never even went on a single date, she is now sitting at the feet of the Ultimate Bridegroom.

4.  Even though she took after her mother athletically (poor kid), I'm thinking she can now probably high jump over Mount Everest and hit a softball right out of the Milky Way.

5.  She may not have graduated high school, but she graduated life!

6.  She never experienced paid employment on this earth, but I believe that God's job for her here was perfectly fulfilled.

7.  Hannah never had a bank account, nor did she ever have much money to speak of.  But now she's hanging out with the Owner of "the cattle on a thousand hills."  (Psalm 51:10b)

8.  Her earthly existence ended when she was seventeen years and some-odd days old, but she is now ageless, living outside the realm of Time.

9.  She never attended college, but can you imagine what she's been learning at her Savior's knee?

10.  I'm not sure if Hannah ever personally prayed with someone as they received the Lord, but I do know a number of people who were saved as a direct result of her testimony.


No ... the more I think about it, Hannah hasn't missed a thing!

Thoughtful Thursday -- "It's OK To Be Mad At God ... Or Is It?"

Now there's a thought-provoking question for ya.

This was the topic of discussion at our last While We're Waiting support group meeting ... and it did lead to quite a bit of discussion!

I heard an online presentation by Nancy Guthrie recently, and this was one of the topics she addressed.    She really challenged my thinking about this.  I've always been one to say to grieving parents, "It's OK to be mad at God.  He can take it."  And I felt like I was correct in making this statement.

And on the surface, it sounds fine.  But when we probe it a little more deeply, it doesn't really ring true.  Just spend a little time thinking about it ... When we are angry at someone, maybe our spouse or a friend ... Doesn't that mean that we feel they have wronged us in some way?  That they haven't done right by us?  And isn't that ultimately what we imply when we hold anger against God ... That He's wronged us somehow?  That given the chance, we feel we could run the universe better than He does?    That He can't be trusted to do right by us?

But, surrounded by parents who had lost their precious children the other night at our meeting, I could think of no group of people who seemed to have more of a "right" to be angry at God than us.  After all, each one of us there had prayed for our particular child's healing, or protection, or even just their safe birth ... and not one of us had our prayers answered the way we felt they should be.  One mom there had lost two children, a son to muscular dystrophy, and a daughter to a plane crash.  Surely she would be within her rights to be angry at God.

We are human.  We can't help having angry thoughts about what has happened to our family, or the situation in which we find ourselves.  But here's what Nancy said that really caught my attention:

Having angry thoughts is different from settling into a position of being angry at God.

Here's what we have to determine for ourselves ... Are we going to give anger free rein in our lives?  Are we going to keep throwing logs on that fire, stoking it higher and higher, getting some kind of strange satisfaction from watching it blaze?

Here's another question Nancy asked:

Will we let our anger turn us away from God, or will we turn to God with our anger?

Wow.  What a good question.  One that's had me thinking ever since I heard it.

So what do we do when we have those angry thoughts?

Acknowledge them ... We can't hide them or pretend they don't exist.  Bring them to God and lay them at His feet.  Spend time in His Word, focusing on verses like Psalm 145:17 ... "The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His works," or Lamentations 3:22-23 ... "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."  And when we are tempted to slam our Bibles shut in anger because we don't feel that these things are true, we need to make a conscious choice to rest in what we know.

One of the moms in our group the other night very wisely said, "When we are angry at God, it keeps us from moving forward."   And this mom, who is only about eight months along on her journey of grief, is so right.  An attitude of anger with God renders us immobile, sucking us down like miry quicksand, doing nothing but increasing the misery of our position.

Just something I've been thinking about on this Thoughtful Thursday ...

Thoughtful Thursday -- Graduation ... And an Empty Bedroom?

Well, graduation 2013 is behind us, and it was a great event.  I mean, how could it not be memorable when your own Dad, who has been your high school principal for the last four years, is the one who gives you your diploma?

How sweet is that?

We were blessed to have several wonderful family members and friends to celebrate the occasion with us, and had a little get-together at our home afterward.  Look at this gorgeous cake!  (Not sure why these next two pictures look so squashed ... probably because they're from my phone.)

And here was my favorite part about the whole thing.  As Bethany was getting ready for graduation, she started digging through old pictures ... looking for a picture of her and Hannah together.  Then she came walking by with a scissors and tape in her hand, and I had to ask her what she was doing.  She said, "Just wait.  You'll see."  A few minutes later, she showed me this...

She had taped a picture of her sister and herself inside her mortarboard hat.  Nobody else would even know it was there, but we would.  It really touched me, because even though Hannah did not have the opportunity to graduate in 2010, it was almost as if she would be receiving her diploma right along with Bethany.  And I loved that Bethany thought of that on her own.  Made this Mama's heart smile.

I did have a very interesting conversation the morning of graduation at the senior breakfast.  Our small district has a tradition of providing the seniors with a final get-together in the form of a breakfast on the morning of graduation.  The kids go directly from breakfast to graduation practice, and then after practice, they all hop in their cars (or various other vehicles) and drive circles around the school whooping and hollering and celebrating their impending freedom.

I was visiting with another mom at the breakfast that morning.  Her youngest child was graduating that day, and we were talking about our kids' post-graduation plans.  I was telling her that Bethany would be working at a Christian camp this summer and would be gone from home a lot.  I laughed and told her that would be a good preparation for when she went to college, and that I was fine with it.

She rather ominously shook her head and folded her arms across her chest.  Then she said, "Oh, just wait until you have to walk by that empty bedroom every day.  You don't realize how much you're going to miss her."

Wait ... What?  I couldn't believe what I had just heard.  She's talking to me about an empty bedroom?!

Four years ago, when my grief was at its freshest and I was a walking, bleeding wound, I almost certainly would have burst into tears.  And then, after I recovered from my hysterical outburst, I'm pretty sure I would have been furious.  How dare she say something like that to me?

Thankfully, God has softened my heart over the past few years and has taught me how to extend grace in situations like this (at least most of the time).  This mom is a friend of mine, and I know she would never say anything to intentionally hurt me.  So instead of totally losing it, I put my hand on her arm, and calmly said, "I know all about empty bedrooms.  I walk past one every day.  Believe me, this is different."  I could see a suddenly horrified expression come over her face as it dawned on her who she was talking to and what she had said.

I quickly assured her that it was okay, and explained further.  "You see, even though Bethany's bedroom will be empty, I can pick up my iPhone and text her.  If I want to hear her voice, I can call her.  If I want to see her face, I can Skype with her.  If I want to hold her in my arms, I can drive to Fayetteville to see her, or she can come home for a weekend visit.  And her empty bedroom means she is growing up and becoming independent, which is something to celebrate ... not something to be sad about."

Again, I assured her it was okay that she had misspoken, and I think she left there with a new perspective about the empty nest she was about to face.

And actually, she's right, we will soon have two empty bedrooms in our house.  And I'm just gonna say, that will be weird.

But here's a promise from Jesus Himself, recorded in John 14:1-3 ... "Let not your hearts be troubled, Believe in God; believe also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms.  If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also."

In my Father's house are many rooms.  I know that at least one of those rooms has an occupant who is very precious to me.  And as much as I'd like for her to be here in what I consider "her room" with me and her earthly father, I know she is at home with her Heavenly Father.  Her place was prepared for her, and now she's there.  And even though I miss her terribly, He assures me that my heart need not be troubled ... because He's preparing a place for me, too.  One day, our family will be reunited, and there will be no more empty bedrooms.

Wacky Wednesday -- The Graduation Song

In celebration of graduation season, I just had to post this fun video from Rhett and Link ... I'm planning to play this for Bethany as soon as she gets home from work! :)

 

If you read my blog via email or RSS feed, you will probably need to click through to view the video.

Thoughtful Thursday -- A Contrast of Lasts and Firsts

The last few weeks have been a series of "lasts" and "firsts" ...

Bethany's last day of high school

Bethany's last athletic practice (a big deal for a girl who has played three sports a year since seventh grade!)

Bethany's last ball game (which was a victory in the state championship softball game ... pictures to come in a future post!)

My last time to wash one of her uniforms

My last time to attend an academic or athletic awards banquet for one of my children

Bethany's first graduation gift

Bethany's first checking account

Bethany's first day of work (all those sports have kept her from ever having a real job!)

My first time to plan a graduation party

My first time to attend the graduation of one of my children (tomorrow night!)

My husband is the principal at our small high school, and he mentioned the other day that next year will be the first time he hasn't had one of his girls walking the halls of his school in eight years.  There was just the smallest hint of sadness in his voice ... I know he'll miss seeing Bethany at school every day next year.

But what a contrast there is between this series of lasts and firsts and another series of lasts and firsts we endured four years ago.

Hannah's last day of high school in December of her junior year

Hannah's last cancer treatment

Hannah's last day at home when we left for the hospital in a mad rush

The last time any of her clothes came through the laundry

The last time we heard her voice

Our first meal at home with an empty chair

Our first time to attend church without her

Our first Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day, fill in the blank with any day you want, without her

Our first time to see her headstone in place

Our first family vacation without her

Even just the act of typing this latter list of lasts and firsts brings a heavy weight down upon me.  My chest feels constricted, and it's harder to breathe.  The pain associated with these events is still so intense.

But, there's a big difference between your child no longer walking the high school halls because she died of cancer and your child no longer walking the high school halls because she graduated.

The first list of lasts and firsts has been full of blessings.  Walking through these events with Bethany has been one of the greatest joys of my life.  I have loved every minute of watching her grow into a beautiful and godly young woman.

Would I appreciate these lasts and firsts with Bethany as much if I hadn't experienced those other lasts and firsts with Hannah?

I honestly don't think so.  I have often said that I believe experiencing the unfathomable depths of grief expands one's capacity for experiencing true joy, and I'm finding that to be true.

So tomorrow night, when Brad calls her name, and Bethany walks across the stage and receives her high school diploma, there might be tears of joy in my eyes, but no tears of sadness or regret.  I will be rejoicing that my daughter is healthy, that she is growing up, that she is committed to serving the Lord, and that she has a bright future ahead of her.

And her big sister will be smiling her beautiful smile up in Heaven.

Ten on the Tenth -- When Mother's Day Is Not Happy

This weekend is Mother's Day ... perhaps one of the most dreaded days on the calendar for moms who have children in Heaven.  For those of us who find ourselves in that situation, Mother's Day can be anything but happy.

The While We're Waiting ministry has brought me into contact with a number of hurting moms over the past couple of years, and for many of them, this will be their first Mother's Day without one of their precious children ... and I know several who have lost their only child within the past twelve months.

It's so hard for me to believe that this will be my fifth Mother's Day since my oldest daughter went to Heaven at the age of seventeen.  And in those five years, I've learned a few things about surviving the day ... at least some things that have helped me.  So that's what this month's Ten on the Tenth is about ... What can we do when Mother's Day is not happy?

1.  Accept the fact that the day will be difficult.  Yeah, I know ... Duh.  Of course we know that the day will be difficult!  But knowing it and accepting it, I think, are a little different.  Accept the fact that it will be tough, but it's just another 24 hours, and know that you will get through it.

2.  Remember that the anticipation of a difficult day is quite often worse than the day itself.  Sometimes we can even make ourselves physically ill with anticipation.  A Scripture that has really helped me with this one is Psalm 94: 18-19 ... "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.'"

3.  Have a plan.  I can't stress this one enough.  Don't wait until the day arrives and then be swept along into whatever activity is going on.  Take some time before the day gets here and think about how you want to spend the day.  Are you going to go to church or not?  Do you want to go out to eat or have a quiet meal at home?  Will you want to visit your child's grave?  Maybe you'll want to go visit your own mother.  Whatever it is you want to do, exerting some control over the situation by making a plan may help you feel less at the mercy of the day.

4.  Once you have thought through your plan, be sure to communicate it to your family and friends.  Don't assume they'll know what you need ... they won't ... so be sure to tell them how you want to spend the day.  After all, if there is any day when they should be willing to do what pleases you, it is Mother's Day.

5.  Don't feel like you have to go to church on Mother's Day.  I'm not normally one to recommend skipping church, but seeing all those other moms sitting with their children while the pastor extols the joys of motherhood may not be what you need on this particular day.  If it's too painful, don't feel guilty about not going to church.

6.  If you feel that going to church would be comforting to you, then by all means, go!  I did go to church on my first Mother's Day without Hannah, and made it through the service okay, but when it was over, all I wanted to do was get out of there before I had a complete emotional breakdown!  Unfortunately, I had not communicated this need to my husband beforehand, and he wanted to stand around and talk after church like he always does.  A good example of Point #4 ... I could have saved both of us a lot of heartache if I had told him what my needs were ahead of time.

7.  Remember that there's nothing wrong with having a good cry.  Or several, if that's what it takes to get through the day.  God gave us the gift of tears for a reason.

8.  Realize that you are not alone as a grieving mom.  I know that there are far more of us than I ever realized there were.  Remember that Mary's heart was also broken when her son died a horrendous death on a cruel cross.

9.  Look for a gift from God at some point during the day.  It was while we were eating lunch on my first Mother's Day without Hannah that my brother told me about a Facebook post she had made.  In January of 2008, one month before she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, Hannah had posted, "This world has nothing for me -- I will live for Him."  What a gift that was to "hear" her say in her own words that she was not bound to the things of this world.  It was a huge comfort to me, and although much is a blur about that first Mother's Day, that is one thing I remember clearly.  Keep your eyes and your heart open ... God just might give you a Mother's Day gift this year.

10.  Remember that just because your child now lives in Heaven does not make you any less of a mom.  Nothing can change the fact that you are your child's mother.  At the beginning of the book of Job, Job loses his ten children along with his health and all of his worldly possessions.  At the end of the story, Job receives double all he had lost during his time of trial:  14,000 sheep to replace the 7,000; 6,000 camels to replace the 3,000; 1,000 oxen and donkeys to replace 500.  But there is one exception -- previously Job had seven sons and three daughters, and in the restoration, he receives seven sons and three daughters.  Why didn't he receive double the number of children he had?  I believe he did.  He still had the ten children he had before ... they were just living in Heaven now instead of on earth.  So now he had ten in Heaven and ten on earth, and one day they would all be together eternally.  Now that's a comforting thought!

Thoughtful Thursday -- Finishing the Race

While Bethany winning the state championship in high jump was pretty exciting last week, that was not the only highlight of the day for me.

One of the best races occurred nearly at the end of the day.  It was the two-mile race, and let me just say that I have the utmost respect for anyone who can run eight times around a track without stopping!  We have a very good distance runner on our track team, and she's a ninth grader who just moved up to the high school team.

We knew she had a decent chance of winning, so everyone was watching her closely as the gun was fired.  She got off to a good start, and looked strong going into the first turn.  But then the unthinkable happened.  She got tangled up with a couple of the other runners and went down hard.  You could hear the entire crowd gasp in reaction to her fall.  It appeared that her hopes of a state championship were dashed in that moment.

But, she got up and started running again.  Slowly at first, then she gained speed, and before you knew it, she had regained her lead.  And that girl ran at a steady pace, blood streaming down her leg from a gash on her knee, until she started the final lap of the race.  And then she started to sprint.  She crossed  the finish line at least half a lap ahead of her nearest competitor.  A state champion in the ninth grade.

The whole team celebrated with her.  It was truly an inspiring thing to watch.

There are so many spiritual parallels that can be drawn from this story.  But I'm just going to make one application.

Watching that girl run her race made me think about all of us who have lost children.  We've been knocked down, hard.  Harder than we ever thought possible.  We are broken and bleeding.  The pain is excruciating.  There's an incredible temptation to just keep lying on the track and let the rest of the world run on by.  And for awhile, it's okay to do that.  But eventually we have to get up, so with God's help, we do.  And even though we may walk with a limp for the rest of our lives, we keep walking, maybe eventually even working up to a steady jog.  And the closer we get to the finish line -- Heaven -- we pick up speed.  We are excited by the thought of sprinting into Heaven one day and celebrating with our Lord and our child.

Chapter 11 of Hebrews is sometimes called "the roll call of faith", because it is basically a list of the many heroes of the Bible who lived by faith ... Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Esau, Moses, Rahab, and many others, some of whom are not even named.  Then Chapter 12 opens with these two verses, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Just like we were cheering this young runner on from the stands, we have a "great cloud of witnesses" who are cheering us on.  I think it's very possible that our children are part of that cloud.  Let's keep our eyes on Jesus and run with endurance, even if we are still bleeding, because there is joy set before us.

Tell About It Tuesday -- We've Got a State Champion in the House!

**Warning -- Shameless Parental Pride Post**

In last week's post, as I recited all of the activities we had going on, I mentioned that we were going to Fort Smith for state track meet.  It was just one of the many hurdles we had to leap last week (do you like that track reference ... lol?) and we really hadn't put that much thought into it.

We knew that Bethany could possibly be in contention for a state championship in the high jump.  After all, she had finished in second place last year as a junior.  But, once she decided to play softball this year, track kind of moved to the back burner.  Between softball practices and games, she just didn't have the opportunity to put the time into it that she has in years past.  She did win the district high jump title with a jump of 4'10", though, so she qualified for state competition.  Several of her teammates also qualified for the state meet in various events, so we were happy to head to Fort Smith to cheer them on.

The meet started at 9:00 a.m., and Bethany's event wasn't scheduled until 3:30 p.m., so we had a long day of waiting before it was time for her to jump.  My good friend Laurie came and hung out with us, even packing a delicious lunch for us to enjoy while we waited.  The minutes seemed to crawl by, but finally it was time for her event.  By this time, Laurie's husband Jerry, and Bethany's grandma, Aunt Maria, and cousin Emily were also there, so she had quite the cheering section.

Here's a picture of the anxious parents and grandma, watching her warm up ...  :)

She looked good in warm-ups, but we had to be realistic.  There were probably thirty girls there, and we knew that one of them had jumped 5'2" in a competition earlier this spring.  Bethany had jumped 5'0" in competition last year, but had not been able to surpass 4'10" this year.  So, although we were hopeful, and we knew she was capable, our expectations were not real high.

Finally, warm-ups were over, and the competition got underway for real.  Each athlete gets three attempts at each height.  If you manage to clear it, you sit down and wait for the bar to be raised.  If you do not jump it successfully in three tries, you're eliminated.  Each miss counts against you, and if there are two jumpers at the end who clear the same height, the one with the fewest misses is declared the winner.

They started with the bar at 4'4", and Bethany cleared it easily on her first try.  She waited through all the other girls' attempts, and then the bar was raised at 4'6".  Once again, she cleared it with no trouble.  Back under the umbrella for more waiting ...

4'8" was cleared just as easily, and then came 4'10".  Here's how she did on her first attempt ... Looking good!

By this time, there weren't very many competitors left.  Remember the girl who had jumped 5'2"?  Well, she went out at this height.  At this point, I was beginning to think she had a chance ... although I was worried about that 5'0" height.  All year, it was as if Bethany had a mental block about that height. She just couldn't clear it, no matter how hard she tried.

Well, they raised the bar to 5'.  Bethany was pacing back and forth by this time, trying to keep her focus.  I could see the confidence and determination in her step.  Finally it was her turn.  She approached the bar and did her Fosbury Flop.  This is what it looked like ...

Yeah, is it just me or does it look like she is sitting on that bar?  Well, the bar did not fall, and she cleared 5' on her first attempt.  It was then that I knew she had a chance.  All the remaining girls went out at that height but one.  That girl missed twice, then made it on her last try.  

So they moved the bar to 5'1", and it was between the two of them.  Bethany missed, and the girl missed.  Bethany missed, and the girl missed.  Bethany missed, and then turned her back because she just couldn't watch.  If the girl made it, she would come in second, and if the girl missed, she would win.  When the girl missed, the cheer of the crowd (I still kind of feel bad about that!) made Bethany spin around.  She didn't know if the cheer was because she had made it or because she had missed.  When she saw the bar on the ground, she knew she had won.

It was an emotional celebration, made even sweeter by the fact that it was totally unexpected.

They actually had an awards ceremony, where she got to stand up on a podium and receive her medal just like she was in the Olympics.  Here she is waiting to be called up to receive her award ...

And here she is with her medal.  She'll be receiving a state champion ring in a month or two.

Thanks for indulging me in some parental pride.  We've just having such a fun senior year with this girl!