Monday Mourning -- A Glimpse Into Heaven

What a great weekend we just had!  The entire Sullivan family (all 18 of us) spent the weekend at a beautiful home on Lake Hamilton celebrating my husband's parents' 50th wedding anniversary.

We rented the house several months ago, so this is a weekend we've been looking forward to for quite a while.  It is an absolutely beautiful place, with six bedrooms and seven bathrooms (those multiple bathrooms came in really handy with five teenage girls)!  Here's the front of the house ...

And the back ...

View from the middle deck (there were three!) ...

We enjoyed the infinity pool ...

And did some tubing on the lake ...

We spent time hanging out in the luxurious living room ...

And ate lots of good food, including these awesome cookies my sister-in-law had made for her folks ...

We also spent time going through old photo albums, which contained long-forgotten pictures like this one ...

Looking through old photos like that is a tough thing for me.  Every photo of our happy family of four is a bit of a punch in the gut.  I love to see them ... but I also hate to see them.  Who would have thought back when this picture was taken that the smiling girl on the left would one day wear a real wig to cover a head scarred by the ravages of cancer?  I've gotten "used to" the pictures we have of Hannah, the ones I see all the time ... but an emotional blow comes along with seeing each less familiar picture.  I did find a special treasure -- a picture of me with both of my girls.  There are not many of these, as I always bow out when pictures are being taken .... something I regret now that I can no longer take pictures with both of them.  Here it is ...

Our last evening in the house was spent with the entire crew gathered in the living room, where we listened to my in-laws reminisce about how they met, their first date, their wedding day, the early days of their marriage, and the arrival of their children and grandchildren.  They ended up by sharing dating and marriage advice for all of their granddaughters, and I was glad the affianced couple was there to hear the wisdom they'd gained over the last fifty years!

The evening culminated with the entire family circled up in a time of prayer.  What a blessing to be a part of a family like this!  My husband and I have both been blessed with wonderful Christian families, and we never take that for granted.

Hannah would have absolutely loved this weekend.  There was nothing she would rather do than spend time with her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.  I couldn't help but be sad she wasn't there to share the experience with us.  She would have been laughing all weekend long.  We included her memory as best we could ... we had family pictures taken and we included her picture in many of them ... but family gatherings never feel "right" without her there.

One of the things we discussed as we gathered on that final evening together was the fact that our family might never be all together like that again.  And that is so true.  None of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  Let's be sure that we don't take our loved ones for granted.

This weekend was sort of like a glimpse into Heaven, where we will have all the time in the world (literally!) to spend with those we love who have died in Christ.  But there will be a huge difference. Here it is from Revelation 21:4 -- "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."  I can't wait.

Tell About It Tuesday -- Our Cup Is Overflowing

I tell you what, it's been an exciting few weeks around the Sullivan household.  First, Bethany graduated from high school, then she turned eighteen, and then .... well, let me save that part for a minute.

First, let me share our first big announcement with you.  My husband, after eight years as a high school principal, has accepted a position as the Director of Curriculum and Instruction at another school district in our area.  This will be such a welcome change for him.  A high school principal's position, particularly in a small school district where there is no assistant, is a very labor-intensive, time-intensive, and stress-intensive (is that a word?) job.

He's there every time the doors are open, and is usually the first person to arrive and the last person to leave ... making for a 60-70 hour work week every week during the school year.  There have been a lot of blessings, though ... he was able to be both of our girls' principal ... not many dads get to do that!  And our school community family was absolutely wonderful to us throughout Hannah's illness.  But it was time for a change, and God has provided him with an amazing opportunity at his new school.  This district is about a 25 minute drive from where we live now, so we will not have to move unless we want to.  I imagine we will want to move at some point, but it's nice that we don't have to be in any hurry.  And he is especially pleased about the folks he will be working with in his new central office position ... and that makes this wife very happy.

Now for the second announcement ... Bethany is engaged!  Her long-time boyfriend proposed to her on Friday night, and she said, "Yes!"  The wedding will be next summer, and we are still working on a possible date.  We are beyond excited.  Brad is a wonderful Christian young man who has treated our daughter with the utmost care and respect ever since their first date two years ago.  He was actually a classmate and friend of Hannah's, and I love that when we talk about her, he is able to join in on the conversation.  He will be starting his senior year as a mechanical engineering major at the University of Arkansas this fall, where she will be starting her freshman year, pursuing her goal to be a dental hygienist.

Early on in their dating relationship, they made a commitment not to say "I love you" to each other until they got engaged.  They didn't want to say the words flippantly like so many young couples do these days ... they wanted them to really mean something when they were finally spoken.  And they held to that commitment all this time, making the moment of their engagement even more special.  He popped the question on top of a mountain outside of town (with his brother and sister-in-law hiding in the bushes taking pictures ... heehee) and then they came to see us at Relay for Life where we were spending the evening.  I don't yet have the pictures of the actual engagement, but I'll close this post with a few that we took at Relay.  Look at the joy on those faces ...

And my favorite ...

Our cup is overflowing ... We are truly blessed.

Ten on the Tenth (Times Two)

Sometimes it makes me feel really sad when I think about all the things Hannah missed out on by going to Heaven in her junior year of high school at the age of seventeen ... especially when I think about all the things Bethany's been able to do over the past couple of years.  Hence, this month's Ten on the Tenth -- Ten things Bethany has gotten to experience that Hannah never did.

1.  She was able to enjoy her senior year of high school.

2.  She went to prom.  Actually, this year was her third prom to attend.  And may I just say, I'm thrilled that it was her last.  They were all fun, but I am so done with proms.

3.  She has a serious boyfriend.  They will have been dating two years this month, and he is a wonderful Christian young man.  What a blessing he's been to our family!

4.  She won an individual state championship in high jump and a team state championship in softball.  We are thankful for the opportunities she's had to excel this year!

5.  She graduated from high school!

6.  She started her first job.  She'll be working at Family Farm Christian Day Camp as a counselor this summer.  This is the same location where we hold our While We're Waiting retreats.  I'm so thankful that she will have the opportunity to spend the summer in such an awesome Christian environment before she heads off to college this fall.

7.  She opened her first checking account.  Between her paychecks and some very generous graduation gifts, she has a nice little balance to help her get ready for college.

8.  She turned eighteen this past Friday.  She assures me that that means she is now an adult.  We'll see about that!

9.  She enrolled at the University of Arkansas.  We have not yet gone to her official freshman orientation ... that will come later this summer ... but she is all signed up.

10.  She had the opportunity to lead a child to the Lord last weekend at Family Farm.  Hopefully, this will be just the first of many kids she will have the opportunity to pray with this summer.


Now, for the "Times Two".  As I pondered the preceding list, I realized once again that Hannah really hasn't missed out on anything.  If I'm being perfectly honest, I have to admit that I'm the one who sometimes feels cheated because I didn't get to experience these things with her.  And the more I thought about it, the more I realized all the things Hannah's gotten to experience that Bethany hasn't.

1.  Hannah had the opportunity to discover the depth and reality of her faith as she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and faced brain surgery.  She got to experience firsthand how God carries His children through devastating circumstances as she battled cancer.

2.  She may never have gone to prom, but she is feasting and dancing in Heaven.

3.  Although she never even went on a single date, she is now sitting at the feet of the Ultimate Bridegroom.

4.  Even though she took after her mother athletically (poor kid), I'm thinking she can now probably high jump over Mount Everest and hit a softball right out of the Milky Way.

5.  She may not have graduated high school, but she graduated life!

6.  She never experienced paid employment on this earth, but I believe that God's job for her here was perfectly fulfilled.

7.  Hannah never had a bank account, nor did she ever have much money to speak of.  But now she's hanging out with the Owner of "the cattle on a thousand hills."  (Psalm 51:10b)

8.  Her earthly existence ended when she was seventeen years and some-odd days old, but she is now ageless, living outside the realm of Time.

9.  She never attended college, but can you imagine what she's been learning at her Savior's knee?

10.  I'm not sure if Hannah ever personally prayed with someone as they received the Lord, but I do know a number of people who were saved as a direct result of her testimony.


No ... the more I think about it, Hannah hasn't missed a thing!

Thoughtful Thursday -- "It's OK To Be Mad At God ... Or Is It?"

Now there's a thought-provoking question for ya.

This was the topic of discussion at our last While We're Waiting support group meeting ... and it did lead to quite a bit of discussion!

I heard an online presentation by Nancy Guthrie recently, and this was one of the topics she addressed.    She really challenged my thinking about this.  I've always been one to say to grieving parents, "It's OK to be mad at God.  He can take it."  And I felt like I was correct in making this statement.

And on the surface, it sounds fine.  But when we probe it a little more deeply, it doesn't really ring true.  Just spend a little time thinking about it ... When we are angry at someone, maybe our spouse or a friend ... Doesn't that mean that we feel they have wronged us in some way?  That they haven't done right by us?  And isn't that ultimately what we imply when we hold anger against God ... That He's wronged us somehow?  That given the chance, we feel we could run the universe better than He does?    That He can't be trusted to do right by us?

But, surrounded by parents who had lost their precious children the other night at our meeting, I could think of no group of people who seemed to have more of a "right" to be angry at God than us.  After all, each one of us there had prayed for our particular child's healing, or protection, or even just their safe birth ... and not one of us had our prayers answered the way we felt they should be.  One mom there had lost two children, a son to muscular dystrophy, and a daughter to a plane crash.  Surely she would be within her rights to be angry at God.

We are human.  We can't help having angry thoughts about what has happened to our family, or the situation in which we find ourselves.  But here's what Nancy said that really caught my attention:

Having angry thoughts is different from settling into a position of being angry at God.

Here's what we have to determine for ourselves ... Are we going to give anger free rein in our lives?  Are we going to keep throwing logs on that fire, stoking it higher and higher, getting some kind of strange satisfaction from watching it blaze?

Here's another question Nancy asked:

Will we let our anger turn us away from God, or will we turn to God with our anger?

Wow.  What a good question.  One that's had me thinking ever since I heard it.

So what do we do when we have those angry thoughts?

Acknowledge them ... We can't hide them or pretend they don't exist.  Bring them to God and lay them at His feet.  Spend time in His Word, focusing on verses like Psalm 145:17 ... "The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His works," or Lamentations 3:22-23 ... "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness."  And when we are tempted to slam our Bibles shut in anger because we don't feel that these things are true, we need to make a conscious choice to rest in what we know.

One of the moms in our group the other night very wisely said, "When we are angry at God, it keeps us from moving forward."   And this mom, who is only about eight months along on her journey of grief, is so right.  An attitude of anger with God renders us immobile, sucking us down like miry quicksand, doing nothing but increasing the misery of our position.

Just something I've been thinking about on this Thoughtful Thursday ...

Thoughtful Thursday -- Graduation ... And an Empty Bedroom?

Well, graduation 2013 is behind us, and it was a great event.  I mean, how could it not be memorable when your own Dad, who has been your high school principal for the last four years, is the one who gives you your diploma?

How sweet is that?

We were blessed to have several wonderful family members and friends to celebrate the occasion with us, and had a little get-together at our home afterward.  Look at this gorgeous cake!  (Not sure why these next two pictures look so squashed ... probably because they're from my phone.)

And here was my favorite part about the whole thing.  As Bethany was getting ready for graduation, she started digging through old pictures ... looking for a picture of her and Hannah together.  Then she came walking by with a scissors and tape in her hand, and I had to ask her what she was doing.  She said, "Just wait.  You'll see."  A few minutes later, she showed me this...

She had taped a picture of her sister and herself inside her mortarboard hat.  Nobody else would even know it was there, but we would.  It really touched me, because even though Hannah did not have the opportunity to graduate in 2010, it was almost as if she would be receiving her diploma right along with Bethany.  And I loved that Bethany thought of that on her own.  Made this Mama's heart smile.

I did have a very interesting conversation the morning of graduation at the senior breakfast.  Our small district has a tradition of providing the seniors with a final get-together in the form of a breakfast on the morning of graduation.  The kids go directly from breakfast to graduation practice, and then after practice, they all hop in their cars (or various other vehicles) and drive circles around the school whooping and hollering and celebrating their impending freedom.

I was visiting with another mom at the breakfast that morning.  Her youngest child was graduating that day, and we were talking about our kids' post-graduation plans.  I was telling her that Bethany would be working at a Christian camp this summer and would be gone from home a lot.  I laughed and told her that would be a good preparation for when she went to college, and that I was fine with it.

She rather ominously shook her head and folded her arms across her chest.  Then she said, "Oh, just wait until you have to walk by that empty bedroom every day.  You don't realize how much you're going to miss her."

Wait ... What?  I couldn't believe what I had just heard.  She's talking to me about an empty bedroom?!

Four years ago, when my grief was at its freshest and I was a walking, bleeding wound, I almost certainly would have burst into tears.  And then, after I recovered from my hysterical outburst, I'm pretty sure I would have been furious.  How dare she say something like that to me?

Thankfully, God has softened my heart over the past few years and has taught me how to extend grace in situations like this (at least most of the time).  This mom is a friend of mine, and I know she would never say anything to intentionally hurt me.  So instead of totally losing it, I put my hand on her arm, and calmly said, "I know all about empty bedrooms.  I walk past one every day.  Believe me, this is different."  I could see a suddenly horrified expression come over her face as it dawned on her who she was talking to and what she had said.

I quickly assured her that it was okay, and explained further.  "You see, even though Bethany's bedroom will be empty, I can pick up my iPhone and text her.  If I want to hear her voice, I can call her.  If I want to see her face, I can Skype with her.  If I want to hold her in my arms, I can drive to Fayetteville to see her, or she can come home for a weekend visit.  And her empty bedroom means she is growing up and becoming independent, which is something to celebrate ... not something to be sad about."

Again, I assured her it was okay that she had misspoken, and I think she left there with a new perspective about the empty nest she was about to face.

And actually, she's right, we will soon have two empty bedrooms in our house.  And I'm just gonna say, that will be weird.

But here's a promise from Jesus Himself, recorded in John 14:1-3 ... "Let not your hearts be troubled, Believe in God; believe also in me.  In my Father's house are many rooms.  If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also."

In my Father's house are many rooms.  I know that at least one of those rooms has an occupant who is very precious to me.  And as much as I'd like for her to be here in what I consider "her room" with me and her earthly father, I know she is at home with her Heavenly Father.  Her place was prepared for her, and now she's there.  And even though I miss her terribly, He assures me that my heart need not be troubled ... because He's preparing a place for me, too.  One day, our family will be reunited, and there will be no more empty bedrooms.

Wacky Wednesday -- The Graduation Song

In celebration of graduation season, I just had to post this fun video from Rhett and Link ... I'm planning to play this for Bethany as soon as she gets home from work! :)

 

If you read my blog via email or RSS feed, you will probably need to click through to view the video.

Thoughtful Thursday -- A Contrast of Lasts and Firsts

The last few weeks have been a series of "lasts" and "firsts" ...

Bethany's last day of high school

Bethany's last athletic practice (a big deal for a girl who has played three sports a year since seventh grade!)

Bethany's last ball game (which was a victory in the state championship softball game ... pictures to come in a future post!)

My last time to wash one of her uniforms

My last time to attend an academic or athletic awards banquet for one of my children

Bethany's first graduation gift

Bethany's first checking account

Bethany's first day of work (all those sports have kept her from ever having a real job!)

My first time to plan a graduation party

My first time to attend the graduation of one of my children (tomorrow night!)

My husband is the principal at our small high school, and he mentioned the other day that next year will be the first time he hasn't had one of his girls walking the halls of his school in eight years.  There was just the smallest hint of sadness in his voice ... I know he'll miss seeing Bethany at school every day next year.

But what a contrast there is between this series of lasts and firsts and another series of lasts and firsts we endured four years ago.

Hannah's last day of high school in December of her junior year

Hannah's last cancer treatment

Hannah's last day at home when we left for the hospital in a mad rush

The last time any of her clothes came through the laundry

The last time we heard her voice

Our first meal at home with an empty chair

Our first time to attend church without her

Our first Christmas, birthday, Mother's Day, fill in the blank with any day you want, without her

Our first time to see her headstone in place

Our first family vacation without her

Even just the act of typing this latter list of lasts and firsts brings a heavy weight down upon me.  My chest feels constricted, and it's harder to breathe.  The pain associated with these events is still so intense.

But, there's a big difference between your child no longer walking the high school halls because she died of cancer and your child no longer walking the high school halls because she graduated.

The first list of lasts and firsts has been full of blessings.  Walking through these events with Bethany has been one of the greatest joys of my life.  I have loved every minute of watching her grow into a beautiful and godly young woman.

Would I appreciate these lasts and firsts with Bethany as much if I hadn't experienced those other lasts and firsts with Hannah?

I honestly don't think so.  I have often said that I believe experiencing the unfathomable depths of grief expands one's capacity for experiencing true joy, and I'm finding that to be true.

So tomorrow night, when Brad calls her name, and Bethany walks across the stage and receives her high school diploma, there might be tears of joy in my eyes, but no tears of sadness or regret.  I will be rejoicing that my daughter is healthy, that she is growing up, that she is committed to serving the Lord, and that she has a bright future ahead of her.

And her big sister will be smiling her beautiful smile up in Heaven.

Ten on the Tenth -- When Mother's Day Is Not Happy

This weekend is Mother's Day ... perhaps one of the most dreaded days on the calendar for moms who have children in Heaven.  For those of us who find ourselves in that situation, Mother's Day can be anything but happy.

The While We're Waiting ministry has brought me into contact with a number of hurting moms over the past couple of years, and for many of them, this will be their first Mother's Day without one of their precious children ... and I know several who have lost their only child within the past twelve months.

It's so hard for me to believe that this will be my fifth Mother's Day since my oldest daughter went to Heaven at the age of seventeen.  And in those five years, I've learned a few things about surviving the day ... at least some things that have helped me.  So that's what this month's Ten on the Tenth is about ... What can we do when Mother's Day is not happy?

1.  Accept the fact that the day will be difficult.  Yeah, I know ... Duh.  Of course we know that the day will be difficult!  But knowing it and accepting it, I think, are a little different.  Accept the fact that it will be tough, but it's just another 24 hours, and know that you will get through it.

2.  Remember that the anticipation of a difficult day is quite often worse than the day itself.  Sometimes we can even make ourselves physically ill with anticipation.  A Scripture that has really helped me with this one is Psalm 94: 18-19 ... "When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.'"

3.  Have a plan.  I can't stress this one enough.  Don't wait until the day arrives and then be swept along into whatever activity is going on.  Take some time before the day gets here and think about how you want to spend the day.  Are you going to go to church or not?  Do you want to go out to eat or have a quiet meal at home?  Will you want to visit your child's grave?  Maybe you'll want to go visit your own mother.  Whatever it is you want to do, exerting some control over the situation by making a plan may help you feel less at the mercy of the day.

4.  Once you have thought through your plan, be sure to communicate it to your family and friends.  Don't assume they'll know what you need ... they won't ... so be sure to tell them how you want to spend the day.  After all, if there is any day when they should be willing to do what pleases you, it is Mother's Day.

5.  Don't feel like you have to go to church on Mother's Day.  I'm not normally one to recommend skipping church, but seeing all those other moms sitting with their children while the pastor extols the joys of motherhood may not be what you need on this particular day.  If it's too painful, don't feel guilty about not going to church.

6.  If you feel that going to church would be comforting to you, then by all means, go!  I did go to church on my first Mother's Day without Hannah, and made it through the service okay, but when it was over, all I wanted to do was get out of there before I had a complete emotional breakdown!  Unfortunately, I had not communicated this need to my husband beforehand, and he wanted to stand around and talk after church like he always does.  A good example of Point #4 ... I could have saved both of us a lot of heartache if I had told him what my needs were ahead of time.

7.  Remember that there's nothing wrong with having a good cry.  Or several, if that's what it takes to get through the day.  God gave us the gift of tears for a reason.

8.  Realize that you are not alone as a grieving mom.  I know that there are far more of us than I ever realized there were.  Remember that Mary's heart was also broken when her son died a horrendous death on a cruel cross.

9.  Look for a gift from God at some point during the day.  It was while we were eating lunch on my first Mother's Day without Hannah that my brother told me about a Facebook post she had made.  In January of 2008, one month before she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, Hannah had posted, "This world has nothing for me -- I will live for Him."  What a gift that was to "hear" her say in her own words that she was not bound to the things of this world.  It was a huge comfort to me, and although much is a blur about that first Mother's Day, that is one thing I remember clearly.  Keep your eyes and your heart open ... God just might give you a Mother's Day gift this year.

10.  Remember that just because your child now lives in Heaven does not make you any less of a mom.  Nothing can change the fact that you are your child's mother.  At the beginning of the book of Job, Job loses his ten children along with his health and all of his worldly possessions.  At the end of the story, Job receives double all he had lost during his time of trial:  14,000 sheep to replace the 7,000; 6,000 camels to replace the 3,000; 1,000 oxen and donkeys to replace 500.  But there is one exception -- previously Job had seven sons and three daughters, and in the restoration, he receives seven sons and three daughters.  Why didn't he receive double the number of children he had?  I believe he did.  He still had the ten children he had before ... they were just living in Heaven now instead of on earth.  So now he had ten in Heaven and ten on earth, and one day they would all be together eternally.  Now that's a comforting thought!

Thoughtful Thursday -- Finishing the Race

While Bethany winning the state championship in high jump was pretty exciting last week, that was not the only highlight of the day for me.

One of the best races occurred nearly at the end of the day.  It was the two-mile race, and let me just say that I have the utmost respect for anyone who can run eight times around a track without stopping!  We have a very good distance runner on our track team, and she's a ninth grader who just moved up to the high school team.

We knew she had a decent chance of winning, so everyone was watching her closely as the gun was fired.  She got off to a good start, and looked strong going into the first turn.  But then the unthinkable happened.  She got tangled up with a couple of the other runners and went down hard.  You could hear the entire crowd gasp in reaction to her fall.  It appeared that her hopes of a state championship were dashed in that moment.

But, she got up and started running again.  Slowly at first, then she gained speed, and before you knew it, she had regained her lead.  And that girl ran at a steady pace, blood streaming down her leg from a gash on her knee, until she started the final lap of the race.  And then she started to sprint.  She crossed  the finish line at least half a lap ahead of her nearest competitor.  A state champion in the ninth grade.

The whole team celebrated with her.  It was truly an inspiring thing to watch.

There are so many spiritual parallels that can be drawn from this story.  But I'm just going to make one application.

Watching that girl run her race made me think about all of us who have lost children.  We've been knocked down, hard.  Harder than we ever thought possible.  We are broken and bleeding.  The pain is excruciating.  There's an incredible temptation to just keep lying on the track and let the rest of the world run on by.  And for awhile, it's okay to do that.  But eventually we have to get up, so with God's help, we do.  And even though we may walk with a limp for the rest of our lives, we keep walking, maybe eventually even working up to a steady jog.  And the closer we get to the finish line -- Heaven -- we pick up speed.  We are excited by the thought of sprinting into Heaven one day and celebrating with our Lord and our child.

Chapter 11 of Hebrews is sometimes called "the roll call of faith", because it is basically a list of the many heroes of the Bible who lived by faith ... Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Esau, Moses, Rahab, and many others, some of whom are not even named.  Then Chapter 12 opens with these two verses, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."

Just like we were cheering this young runner on from the stands, we have a "great cloud of witnesses" who are cheering us on.  I think it's very possible that our children are part of that cloud.  Let's keep our eyes on Jesus and run with endurance, even if we are still bleeding, because there is joy set before us.

Tell About It Tuesday -- We've Got a State Champion in the House!

**Warning -- Shameless Parental Pride Post**

In last week's post, as I recited all of the activities we had going on, I mentioned that we were going to Fort Smith for state track meet.  It was just one of the many hurdles we had to leap last week (do you like that track reference ... lol?) and we really hadn't put that much thought into it.

We knew that Bethany could possibly be in contention for a state championship in the high jump.  After all, she had finished in second place last year as a junior.  But, once she decided to play softball this year, track kind of moved to the back burner.  Between softball practices and games, she just didn't have the opportunity to put the time into it that she has in years past.  She did win the district high jump title with a jump of 4'10", though, so she qualified for state competition.  Several of her teammates also qualified for the state meet in various events, so we were happy to head to Fort Smith to cheer them on.

The meet started at 9:00 a.m., and Bethany's event wasn't scheduled until 3:30 p.m., so we had a long day of waiting before it was time for her to jump.  My good friend Laurie came and hung out with us, even packing a delicious lunch for us to enjoy while we waited.  The minutes seemed to crawl by, but finally it was time for her event.  By this time, Laurie's husband Jerry, and Bethany's grandma, Aunt Maria, and cousin Emily were also there, so she had quite the cheering section.

Here's a picture of the anxious parents and grandma, watching her warm up ...  :)

She looked good in warm-ups, but we had to be realistic.  There were probably thirty girls there, and we knew that one of them had jumped 5'2" in a competition earlier this spring.  Bethany had jumped 5'0" in competition last year, but had not been able to surpass 4'10" this year.  So, although we were hopeful, and we knew she was capable, our expectations were not real high.

Finally, warm-ups were over, and the competition got underway for real.  Each athlete gets three attempts at each height.  If you manage to clear it, you sit down and wait for the bar to be raised.  If you do not jump it successfully in three tries, you're eliminated.  Each miss counts against you, and if there are two jumpers at the end who clear the same height, the one with the fewest misses is declared the winner.

They started with the bar at 4'4", and Bethany cleared it easily on her first try.  She waited through all the other girls' attempts, and then the bar was raised at 4'6".  Once again, she cleared it with no trouble.  Back under the umbrella for more waiting ...

4'8" was cleared just as easily, and then came 4'10".  Here's how she did on her first attempt ... Looking good!

By this time, there weren't very many competitors left.  Remember the girl who had jumped 5'2"?  Well, she went out at this height.  At this point, I was beginning to think she had a chance ... although I was worried about that 5'0" height.  All year, it was as if Bethany had a mental block about that height. She just couldn't clear it, no matter how hard she tried.

Well, they raised the bar to 5'.  Bethany was pacing back and forth by this time, trying to keep her focus.  I could see the confidence and determination in her step.  Finally it was her turn.  She approached the bar and did her Fosbury Flop.  This is what it looked like ...

Yeah, is it just me or does it look like she is sitting on that bar?  Well, the bar did not fall, and she cleared 5' on her first attempt.  It was then that I knew she had a chance.  All the remaining girls went out at that height but one.  That girl missed twice, then made it on her last try.  

So they moved the bar to 5'1", and it was between the two of them.  Bethany missed, and the girl missed.  Bethany missed, and the girl missed.  Bethany missed, and then turned her back because she just couldn't watch.  If the girl made it, she would come in second, and if the girl missed, she would win.  When the girl missed, the cheer of the crowd (I still kind of feel bad about that!) made Bethany spin around.  She didn't know if the cheer was because she had made it or because she had missed.  When she saw the bar on the ground, she knew she had won.

It was an emotional celebration, made even sweeter by the fact that it was totally unexpected.

They actually had an awards ceremony, where she got to stand up on a podium and receive her medal just like she was in the Olympics.  Here she is waiting to be called up to receive her award ...

And here she is with her medal.  She'll be receiving a state champion ring in a month or two.

Thanks for indulging me in some parental pride.  We've just having such a fun senior year with this girl!

Monday Mourning -- Rescued

First, let me apologize for the lack of updates over the past couple of weeks.  And I'm afraid it's not going to get any better for the next month or so.  Right now, we are finding ourselves in a headlong dash toward the end of the school year, with some sort of activity every evening.  For example, this week we have ... district tournament softball finals tonight (we won!), a 3-hour drive to Fort Smith on Tuesday night, all-day state track meet at Fort Smith on Wednesday followed by the 3-hour drive back home, academic awards banquet at OBU on Thursday night, and the first two rounds of regional softball tournament on Friday and Saturday.  And the two weeks after that look about the same.

Not that I'm complaining.  Despite the fact that I get to feeling a little ragged sometimes, I'm enjoying every minute of Bethany's senior year activities.  I know that as of May 24th, all of this crazy activity will be coming to an end, and once again, our lives will change, as she transitions to a new chapter in her life.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a brief thought today.  We had our fourth "While We're Waiting" support group meeting last week, and one of the moms said something that I had never really thought about before.  Her young daughter went to Heaven quite unexpectedly ten years ago when a virus attacked her heart.  She stated that she felt like God had "rescued" her daughter from the evil in this world when He took her to Heaven.

Hmmmmm ... that really made me think.  Rescued?  I hadn't ever thought in terms of Hannah being "rescued" when she went to Heaven.  But the more I thought about it, the more it resonated with me.  

There is so much heartache in this world.  All you have to do is turn on the TV or skim through the headlines on the Drudge Report to see how prevalent it is.  Bombings, earthquakes, cancer, addiction, moral bankruptcy, shootings, terrorism, war and rumors of war ... It's enough to really drag you down.  

Hannah was kind of an unusual teenager.  She was very politically aware and was always tuned in to world events. And she worried about what was going on in the world.  I had to frequently remind her that God was in control.  And then she'd be okay for awhile ... until the next big thing happened, and then she'd be worried again.  This was in direct contrast to her cancer diagnosis, which she never seemed to worry about ... or at least she didn't show it.  

Anyway, as I thought about her being "rescued" it made sense to me.  Obviously, she was rescued from the ravages of cancer, but she was also rescued from all the junk in this world.  It brings to mind Isaiah 57:1, which says, "The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart; the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil."

Rescued.  I kind of like that thought.  I'm looking forward to being rescued myself one day!

Wacky Wednesday -- Wacky Prom Pictures

One of the things I love most about Bethany is her fun-loving nature.  Ever since she was a little girl, she's had a playful spirit.  I guess I enjoy that so much because it is such a contrast to my own personality.  I sometimes think I was born a middle-aged woman!

Anyway, this past Saturday night was Bethany's senior prom.  We took tons of pictures ... mostly serious, but lots of fun ones, too.  Her boyfriend is blessed with the same playfulness, so we had a good time with our amateur photo shoot.  So, on this wacky Wednesday, I thought I'd share some of these fun pictures.

First, one serious picture so you can see what they really look like ...

Now a few pictures taken around our house ...

Then we headed to a nearby river, a very popular pre-prom photo spot ...

Here they are demonstrating how they're going to dance at the prom ...

And, since her basketball shoes just happened to match her dress, we decided to include them in a few pictures ...

I mean, how fun is that?

Finally, I wanted to include my favorite picture of the day ...

Four years ago, I could not have imagined that we would ever have another family picture like this one.  We are a blessed family, and God has been faithful to restore our joy.  Oh, how we miss our Hannah when we have family times like this, but we know we have eternity to look forward to.  In the meantime, we'll continue to "hope for what we do not see, eagerly waiting for it with perseverance."  (Romans 8:25)

Monday Mourning -- Permanent ... Yet Not Permanent

I had a strange thought the other day.

I was thinking about the future ... thinking about how much fun it will be to be a grandmother one day.  I've reached the age where some of my friends are now becoming grandparents, and if Hannah were still here on this earth, at the age of 21, she might be married (I was at her age), and just maybe I'd already have a grandchild on the way.  At least a grandchild would be in the relatively near future, Lord willing.

And as that daydream dissipated, my thoughts turned to Bethany.  She's only seventeen ... but in my thoughts, I decided that maybe in about five or six years, after she was finished with college, she'd become a mom and maybe make me a grandmother.  And surely Hannah would be back by then to celebrate and enjoy the new baby with us.

Wait ... What?  Did that thought really pass through my mind?

Hannah would be back?  Where did that thought even come from?

In all the time she's been gone ... four years now ... I have never once had a thought like that.  And it just came so naturally ... surely she would be back soon.  It literally stopped me in my tracks.  And it hurt.  It hurt to re-realize that Hannah is not coming back, at least not to this place.

A few weeks ago, my heart broke as I listened to a bereaved grandmother as she said she told God that she had learned what He wanted her to learn ... "Now, can this just be over?" she sobbed through her hands.

I think all of us who have lost children have felt that way at some point.  We just want our grief and pain to be over.

We want to know that our loss is not permanent.

But that's where the hope steps in.  While our childrens' absence on this earth is permanent ... this earth is not permanent.  Thank God this is not all there is!  We will see our children again, and we will spend eternity with them, thanks to God's gift of His Son.  Now that's the kind of permanent I can get excited about!

"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."  2 Corinthians 5:1

Ten on the Tenth

Wow ... the tenth of the month sure seems to come around quickly these days!  Must be the busy-ness factor ... our days and evenings are just so filled with activity, I sometimes lose the sense of time passing!

Anyway, it is the tenth, so it's time for another list.  And since we just had our fifth While We're Waiting Weekend for Bereaved Parents this past weekend, I thought I'd share my top ten favorite things about the weekend.  Here we go ...

1.  Family Farm is one of my most favorite places in the world.  You can walk onto the property and feel the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I love that we have our retreats here.  The feeling of peace is almost palpable.

2.  I love the time we spend with the animals.  Each one has a name and its own unique personality.  There's something about spending time with God's creatures that's very therapeutic.

3.  I love watching folks figure out how to get across the Islands without stepping into the "molten lava" in between them.  People who just met less than 24 hours ago have to work together to get every member of their team across these wooden platforms using only three boards and a rope swing.  They did it!

4.  I love hearing the Mays, who own Family Farm, share the story of their son, Zane.  We always hear their story at Salvation Station.  Such a beautiful spot.

5.  I got a big kick out of watching this group do the land skis.  Another working-together type activity, with a little competition thrown in.  OK, maybe a lot of competition.  The ladies were waaaaay ahead, 'til the guys got their act together.  Could've been a little cheating involved.  Just sayin'.

6.  I love watching moms and dads who have endured so much loss having fun.  Our kids would want us to find the joy in life ... after all, they are experiencing more joy than we can even imagine!

7.  One of the moms who came from New Orleans brought us a king cake.  She explained to the group that king cake is a New Orleans tradition.  A plastic baby is baked into the cake, and we "worked" all weekend to find that baby.  And it was hard work too ... we had to keep on eating this delicious pastry until we found it!  By Sunday morning, there were just a few pieces left, and the baby was finally found.  There might have been a little cheating involved here, too.

8.  Speaking of food, our 5-course gourmet meal on Saturday night is always a special treat.  Take a look at what we enjoyed ... in order, these pictures are the appetizer, the salad, the intermezzo, the entree, and the dessert.

9.  I love the time we spend sharing our kids' stories and talking about our various journeys.  There is so much wisdom shared in these discussions.  I've gotten to where I keep a notebook handy and jot down things I want to remember.  Here are just a few quotes I wrote down ...

"Why would I be angry at God when He ended my son's suffering?"

"Your perspective in life changes, and your direction in life changes."

"It's not a new chapter ... it's a new book."

"Guard your heart, pick your battles, and use your energy to get better."

Good stuff.

10.  But maybe my favorite part of this weekend came after I got home.  Our parents are offered the opportunity to write comments about the weekend that they wouldn't mind us sharing publicly.  I didn't read what they had written until I got home, but when I did, I was so touched by what they said.  I'll close this post with these...

"Truly amazing weekend!  So thankful for this opportunity!"  ~Raegan's mom

"WWW has been an uplifting and inspirational experience.  I would recommend it to all those grieving the loss of their most precious children."  ~Ben's mom

"What a life changing event!  After our daughter's passing, our lives were forever altered.  Our faith has been strengthened tenfold after attending our first While We're Waiting retreat.  We were just where we needed to be on the anniversary of Kendra's passing."  ~Kendra's mom and dad

"As a skeptic coming in, it only took a few hours with this great group of people of God for me to realize my family had just grown.  Thank you for this amazing, healing ministry."  ~Timmy's stepdad