Farewell, February...

I'm not normally a crier...I hate to cry in front of people, even my own family members. I don't even cry very often when I'm alone. But there are times when the tears get started and they just won't stop.

One of those days was in September of 2008. I had an appointment to get a haircut that day, and I almost canceled it, knowing that I was pretty emotionally shaky. But I decided to go ahead and go, because I wasn't sure when I would have another chance to get my hair cut. It had been seven months since Hannah's surgery, and she had had several clear MRIs at that point. But she had begun having some symptoms that were very alarming, and an MRI was scheduled for the next day. I knew, deep down inside, that the cancer was back, and I was already beginning to see signs that Hannah was leaving us bit by bit. I walked into the beauty shop that day and the first thing my hairdresser asked was how Hannah was doing. I immediately started crying and never stopped the whole time I was there. And I got highlights and a haircut that day, so I was there for a long time. It wasn't a sobbing, noisy kind of crying...just a steady flow of tears that I could not stop. And since I am incapable of talking while I'm crying, I couldn't even tell my hairdresser about the MRI scheduled for the next day. Thankfully, she understood, and pretty much kept up a one-sided conversation the whole time, without requiring anything from me. I can't imagine what the other customers thought about me. I was just glad to get out of there that day! Of course, there have been plenty of other tear-filled days over the past two years, but this one just really stands out in my memory because it was so unlike me.

Today was another one of those days. For some reason, church seems to be one of the most emotionally difficult places for me to be. The music and worship time always seems to bring out the emotion in me...especially songs about Heaven. And with this weekend being the anniversary of Hannah's entrance into Heaven...well, this morning was especially tough. Usually I can pull it together during the sermon, but not today. The tears just kept coming. It felt like February of 2008 and February of 2009 were both crashing in on me at once. And I think Brad and Bethany both felt the same way. We are so grateful for our church family...they have really been there to support us throughout our journey...and they were there for us again this morning. We've actually been amazed at how many cards, notes, emails, hugs, etc., we've gotten all week long...not just from our church family, but from so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you.

Anyway, I'm glad to have this February in our rear view mirror. There are a couple more milestones in March...the first marks a year since Hannah's celebration service, and the second marks a year since we buried her physical body...but those memories don't seem to be as difficult. Maybe because I honestly don't remember them very well! A year ago tonight was the visitation...and although I clearly remember the length of the line of people, there's not much more I remember about that evening. The funeral and burial are also mostly a blur. I really think God gives us a period of numbness to help us survive those early days of grief. What I do remember about the funeral is that the gospel was clearly presented, and that there were people saved. For that I am thankful...and I'm sure Hannah was pleased.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4

One Year in Heaven

Honestly, I'm at a bit of a loss for what to post this morning. I had thought I would share some of the events of this day from a year ago...but my mind just won't compose itself enough to do that. I guess that will be another day's post.

All I can really say is that over the past year (really two years) we've seen that God is faithful, even the most difficult circumstances, and that He can be trusted, even when the darkness is impenetrable. We've seen the power of prayer to give strength when the thought of putting one foot in front of another is almost unbearable. And we've seen the love of Christ demonstrated through His people...we continue to receive cards, letters, emails, and Facebook messages from those who are praying for us almost daily. We've learned that it is possible to be completely heartbroken and yet experience deep joy at the same time. We've survived lower lows than we ever thought possible, and come through it stronger. We've found ourselves forever bonded with other families who have lost children...some of whom we've never even met! And we've learned the art of appreciating every moment we are given. And we realize that a year ago today was the best day of Hannah's life!

At Hannah's celebration service, we had a song by MercyMe played during a slide show of her life, and I think the words truly capture how those of us who loved her the most -- including her grandparents, her aunts and uncles, her cousins, and her friends -- are feeling today. It's called "Homesick".

"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken...The reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you?

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord because I don't understand Your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But even if You showed me the hurt would be the same
Because I'm still here so far away from home.

In Christ there are no goodbyes
In Christ there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again.

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now."

We love you, Hannah Joy, and we can't wait to see you again!

More Hospice Blessings...

On the Sunday before Hannah went to Heaven on Thursday, we received not one, but two, very special phone calls. The first call came from Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns, the group that sings the song "Praise You in the Storm". He had received word of Hannah's story and her prayer for a storm from church members in Atlanta. There were several family members and close friends there that day, and we put him on speakerphone so everyone could hear him. He encouraged us and talked about how Hannah's testimony was already touching lives and how he believed there would be more lives touched in the future. The song "Praise You in the Storm" was such a blessing to us throughout Hannah's illness...it almost seemed as if it were written just for our family. It was wonderful to be able to let him know how much that song has meant to us and how God has touched our lives through their music.

The second call was from the winner of American Idol three years ago, Jordin Sparks. A special person (who, at that time, we had not even actually met) arranged for this to happen because he had been following Hannah's story through our emails and knew she was a big fan of American Idol. Although Hannah was unable to talk to Jordin, it seemed that she was able to hear her and understand what was being said. Jordin was wonderfully gracious and even sang part of Hannah's favorite song, "No Air." I was amazed at how bubbly and poised Jordin was. I can't imagine that she had ever been in that situation before...talking to someone very close to her age who was dying of cancer and couldn't even talk back to her. She was great, and we will always appreciate her kindness.

By far the greatest blessing that came from our time in hospice were the stories of people who began a relationship with Jesus Christ for the first time, directly due to Hannah's story. How awesome and humbling to know that our daughter's storm was being used to change people's lives for eternity!

Blessings

In this series of posts I've been doing about February memories, I would be remiss if I didn't include some good memories along with the bad. It is a testament to God's goodness that there are some real blessings to share from last February.

On Hannah's last day at Children's Hospital before we moved to hospice, some dear friends brought us a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Hannah ate a couple bites of one and remarked, "These are good, but they're not as good as spudnuts." Now, if you're wondering what in the world a "spudnut" is, let me fill you in. In El Dorado, Arkansas, there is a little hole in the wall called the Spudnut Shop, where they make the most delicious doughnuts in the world. I am told that they are made with potato flour...thus the name. If you are willing to stand in a long line on a Saturday morning, you can experience the sweet sensation of a hot spudnut melting in your mouth. We lived in El Dorado for several years, and picked up spudnuts for breakfast probably more often than we should have. There is even a Facebook group dedicated to El Dorado Spudnut Fanatics, from which I stole these pictures.



Anyway, in my email update that evening, I mentioned that she had said that...mostly for the benefit of all our friends from El Dorado who share our love for the spudnut. Would you believe that the next day a man showed up at the hospice center with four dozen spudnuts? And he wasn't from El Dorado...he was from Fort Smith, and had driven from there to El Dorado and then to Little Rock to bring Hannah these spudnuts. And that's not all...in the next few days, we received three dozen more spudnuts...one box even arriving in the mail. I think every nurse at the hospice center, every visitor, and every family member got to sample a spudnut at some point during the eight days we were there. We had a lot of fun with those spudnuts, and were absolutely awed by people's kindness in providing them to us.

Another kind of fun memory we have from that time is when Brad's brother Mark (better known as "Sully" to most people) came into Hannah's room one evening. Now Mark is...how I shall I say this politely...a rather large man, sort of a gentle giant. As soon as he greeted her, she said, "Uncle Mark...You look like you've lost weight." We got a real kick out of this because this was vintage Hannah...she was a natural encourager, and she was always saying things like that to people. At this point, Hannah's vision had deteriorated to the point where she really could see very little, so we knew she really couldn't see him. She also had not spoken much at all in a couple of days. We were able to have a little bit of conversation with her that evening, and it turned out to be our last real conversation we had with her. We just thought it was neat that Hannah began this conversation with an encouraging word for her uncle. It was also a real blessing to have Hannah's Uncle Mark there with us...he was between jobs, so he spent quite a bit of time with us during those eight days...running errands, answering the innumerable phone calls, etc. It was also a blessing that by the time that week ended, he had two job offers.

Our entire family was a blessing to us during that hospice period, but we felt especially fortunate to have my brother and sister-in-law, who are missionaries in Indonesia, with us during that time. They stay on the mission field for 3 1/2 years at a time, and get to come home for six month furloughs. Their furlough had begun in December, so they got to spend some quality time with Hannah before her health really deteriorated, and they were able to share the last days of her life with us as well.

We were blessed to have many wonderful visitors during that time, but I was especially touched by the visits from Hannah's friends. I am sure that I would not have had the courage to visit someone dying of cancer when I was in high school, but these girls bravely came in to see their friend. Three of them came in together. They were on their way to a youth retreat weekend, and as they were leaving, Hannah said, "Y'all have fun." Again, a surprise to those of us who rarely heard her speak in those days.

There are a few more blessings to share... but I'll save those for another day.

Hospice

A year ago at this time we were just getting settled in to the hospice center in Little Rock. After our doctor had confirmed what we already suspected...that there was nothing more that could be done for Hannah medically...we had spent the next couple of days trying to make hospice arrangements. Most of the time, hospice care does not provide anything that's considered "life sustaining", such as blood products...their main purpose is simply to make the patient as comfortable as possible as death nears. However, we very much wanted Hannah to be able to have platelet infusions, to prevent any more bleeding like what she experienced on her last morning at home. It took a few days to work out those details with the hospice center...they had to agree to do the infusions, and our insurance had to agree to pay for it.

When we finally got all the approvals, it was time to move. I was so nervous about moving Hannah...she was in such a weakened state, I could not imagine how she was going to tolerate the ambulance ride from the hospital to hospice. As a matter of fact, for me, the moving process was the most excruciating part of the entire journey up to that point. First there were the good-byes to all the nurses who had taken such good care of us for so long. Then the ambulance guys came to the room with a rolling guerney. They deftly lifted her onto it and strapped her on. It was so hard to see how small and fragile she looked on there...with her downy soft, baby fuzz just beginning to grow back on her head. She was awake, but her eyes were closed. It seemed like they rolled her through the entire hospital to get to where the ambulance was parked. We were all trailing along behind, lugging all of our belongings, and trying not to meet the sympathetic eyes of the people we passed in the halls. I felt sure everyone knew where we were going...we were clearly leaving, and one look at Hannah would have told them we were not coming back.

We finally got outside where the ambulance was waiting, and they loaded her in. When we were still up in the room, we had asked them if Bethany and I could ride with Hannah in the ambulance, and they had told us only one of us could ride with her...policy, you know. Bethany really, really wanted to ride with her, and we had decided we would let her do it, so she could have that the memory of that time with her sister. My heart was breaking, though...I couldn't imagine not being with her for that ride. After they loaded Hannah up, one of the ambulance guys leaned out and said, "Do you still want to ride with us?" He didn't have to ask me twice...I jumped right in! Bethany sat in the front with the driver, and I sat in the back on a little ledge near Hannah's feet...I was so thankful that they broke their policy for just this one time! We drove through the city of Little Rock in no hurry, no siren blaring...just a quiet ambulance, surrounded by cars full of people going on with their daily routines. I could see them through the windows, and I was amazed at how normal their lives all seemed to be. The ambulance guy was so kind...he made some effort at conversation, and I tried, but I really couldn't talk to him. So he started filling out some paperwork and asked me a few questions, including what Hannah's social security number was. I knew her number, but at that moment, I could not, for the life of me, remember what it was. After I hemmed and hawed around for a little while, Hannah shocked both of us by reciting it! At that point, I really didn't think she was awake, much less aware of our conversation. It was just like her to know something like that, and to answer for me when I was stumped!

We finally arrived at the hospice center, and they rolled her in and transferred her from the guerney to her new bed there. Once we got her settled in and sleeping, we left her with family members and went to the hospice office and did all the necessary paperwork. The center had about 20 rooms, and only about 5 were in use at the time, so they very graciously allowed our family to have the use of two rooms. Hannah and I stayed in one room together, and Brad and Bethany had a room right next door. They also put us at the end of a wing, where there was a very nice, large sunroom...a perfect place for our family to gather and hang out together. We basically had that whole wing to ourselves. It couldn't have been a better set up for our family.

Like I said, the day we moved to the hospice center was excruciating for me. When they put Hannah on that guerney and started rolling her out of the very familiar setting of Arkansas Children's Hospital's gold floor, it felt as though whatever little bit of control we might have had in the situation was finally completely gone. The process of giving Hannah up had begun. The weight of that as we rode in the ambulance made it difficult for me to even sit upright. And as we entered the hospice center for the first time, the sense of finality was overwhelming...knowing that whenever we left that place, we would be leaving without Hannah.

Yet, even in the midst of the devastating emotions of that day, God gave peace. I don't know how...I can't explain it. Looking back at it today, I really don't know how we survived it...the only possible explanation is that God carried us through it. There were so many people praying for us, and I really believe that is what kept us going. And then there was the knowledge that when Hannah did leave that place, her next destination was Heaven. There would be no more ambulance rides, chemo treatments, platelet infusions, or radiation sessions. And what could be sweeter than that?

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

February 16th

Well, tonight marked the official end of Bethany's junior high basketball career. All the winter weather last week caused their district tournament to be postponed until Saturday. They played two games on Saturday and won both, putting them into the finals of the tournament. I've included a couple of pictures below...

The finals were tonight, and unfortunately, Bethany's team came up short. They were beaten by the one team who had beaten them all year. So that ends their junior high season with a record of 21-2. But that doesn't mean the end of basketball this year...now that the junior high season is officially over, the freshman players can move up to the high school team. So as of tomorrow night, she will be playing with the senior high during their district tournament this week. Good thing we like watching basketball!

February 16th doesn't just mark the end of junior high basketball in our family...it also marks the anniversary of Hannah's last day in our home. A year ago this morning, I went into Hannah's room about 4:30 in the morning to find that she had been bleeding heavily from her mouth and nose. She had been battling low platelets for a long time, and she was taking a chemotherapy drug which had hemorrhage as a primary side effect. I called Brad in to her room and we tried to decide whether to call an ambulance or not. We really didn't want to do that and scare Bethany to death, so we loaded Hannah up in the car and headed to Little Rock as fast as we dared to drive, figuring we could stop at the hospital in Benton on the way if we needed to. We called a precious neighbor to come over to our house to stay with Bethany, who we left sleeping in her bed. One amazing thing about that morning is that Hannah was not in any distress...she really didn't even seem to be aware that there was a problem. If she had been panicking, it would have been much harder for us to hold it together that day. We arrived at Children's Hospital in about 40 minutes (it's a 50 mile drive), and came in through the ER. By this time, the blood flow had nearly stopped.

An MRI was scheduled for that morning. And again, we were amazed at Hannah's calmness and peace as she lay in that tube for nearly an hour. We were admitted and platelet infusions were begun. By this time, a lot of our family had arrived, including Bethany, who was brought to the hospital by Brad's brother. Our doctor came in that afternoon and shared with Brad and me that the results of the MRI were "disturbing"...the cancer had progressed rapidly and had spread pretty much throughout her brain. He described what we could expect in the upcoming days...that the tumors around her brainstem (which controls the automatic functions of the body like blood pressure and respiration) were slowly going to cause her blood pressure to rise and would ultimately cause her brain to stop telling her body to breathe. Then he came into the room and told Hannah that there was no more that could be done for her medically. Hannah clearly understood what he was telling her and accepted the news with grace and without fear. Later that afternoon, while family members sat with Hannah, we met with the hospital social worker and worked out the details of transferring her to a hospice center. That night, there were no beeping monitors and no nurses coming in and out of our room all night. It was actually somewhat of a relief to be freed from all of that.

We didn't know when we helped Hannah out the door that morning that it would be the last time she would be in this house. We are so, so, so grateful that God led us to go to a hospice center for Hannah's final days rather than trying to take care of her needs at home. I am so glad that those difficult memories are not associated with this house. But it is so hard to believe that it's been a year since her physical presence was last in this living room where I am sitting tonight. Her absence has left a gaping, empty hole in our home and in our family. How thankful I am that God's presence is here in our home helping to fill that painful hole.

Just before I started this post tonight, I read a new comment on my previous post. You can see it yourself if you click on the comment section under the last post. The writer told me that this week marks a year since her best friend was saved, directly due to Hannah's storm, and that her friend has been on fire for the Lord ever since. What amazing timing for me to read tonight, as the waves of grief threaten to overturn the ship. Hannah's storm had a purpose, and that continues to be confirmed, even today, a year after one of the most difficult days of our lives. God's timing is always perfect, even when it's hard to see through the wind and waves!

Valentine's Day

OK...so I know it's not really Valentine's Day yet, but it feels like it is. I think having Valentine's Day fall on a Sunday makes it feel like it lasts all weekend long, including the Friday before!

I've never really been a big fan of Valentine's Day. It has always seemed like a very commercialized holiday to me...just an excuse to sell a bunch of flowers, candy, and cards. I guess that's the cynic in me. And now this day has some really difficult memories associated with it.

The first symptoms of Hannah's brain tumor appeared two years ago on Valentine's Day. She woke up with a terrible headache and nausea, and was unable to go to school that day. She was disappointed to miss that day, because she really enjoyed Valentine's Day (not being a cynic like me!). Those symptoms recurred over the next few days, and you know the rest of that story.

Last year at this time, Hannah's condition was really deteriorating. Like I said in my last post, she was sleeping about 20 hours out of every day, and was becoming very confused and disoriented. At this point, she was eating only Special K cereal, oranges, and microwaveable fettucini alfredo. She would wake up in the middle of the night, and want Special K, an orange, and some fettucini. Then she would wake up in the afternoon, and want Special K, an orange, and some fettucini. Of course, we gave her whatever she wanted whenever she wanted it. Most of the time she sat in her bed and ate, but sometimes she'd come sit in the recliner in the living room for awhile.

Brad has always gotten the girls roses on Valentine's Day, and last year was no exception. They always look forward to getting this special gift from their Dad on Valentine's Day. Last year, Hannah got a lot of enjoyment out of her roses. She had almost no short-term memory by this time, and so everytime she saw the roses, it was like she had just received them for the first time. She would say, "Oh, Daddy...they're so pretty. Thank you!" This was huge, because she really was talking very little at this point. Believe me, it meant so much to him!

Last year, Bethany went to the 7th & 8th grade Valentine's dance, where she was crowned queen for the evening. The vote was taken during the school day, and her teacher called to let me know that she had won. She thought I would like to be there to see her crowned. Of course, I went. Bethany looked beautiful, and I was so glad I was able to be there for her big moment. But it was a very surreal experience for me...for one thing, I had hardly been out of the house at all (other than to Children's Hospital and back) for several weeks, and it was difficult to face all the wonderful, concerned people who wanted to know how Hannah was doing. It was hard to know how to answer that question when she was doing so badly. And how strange it was to see one daughter at a dance so vibrant and alive, while the other daughter was at home just a shell of her former self. The swirl of emotion that night was indescribable.

And that brings us to this year. My heart aches for Brad, who will only get to purchase a bouquet for one daughter. He misses Hannah so badly. His grief is always right at the surface, but his faith in God's goodness is unwavering. He's been such an amazing example to me. On Saturday night (Valentine's Eve), our senior high basketball teams will play their last regular season games. It was supposed to be on Tuesday night, but because of all the winter weather, it's been rescheduled for Saturday. The last game of the year is always "Senior Night", where each senior athlete is recognized, and comes out to the middle of the gym to stand with their parents. The announcer tells all about them...who their parents are, what sports they've played, what they like to do, etc. As the manager of the girls' basketball team, Hannah would have been one of those recognized, and we would have walked out on the floor with her. Instead, she's in Heaven, and we will be sitting in the bleachers watching this year's seniors and their parents. Just another reason to not really be looking forward to Valentine's Day this year. And just another reminder that while Hannah is where she was created to be, we are definitely out of place. And just another reason to look forward to the day when God sets all things right.

One of my favorite songs right now is by J. J. Heller, and the chorus goes like this -- "When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. And when my heart is breaking, I will never leave Your hands." So thankful that in this shaking, heart-breaking world, He is always there!

Another Snow in Arkansas

This weekend, the Hot Springs area was hit by another winter storm. It was kind of a surprise...at least for our area. They had forecast snow just for the parts of the state north of Little Rock, so we were quite surprised to wake up to this Monday morning. School has been canceled for the last two days, and Bethany has been having some fun. I guess you know you're a redneck if you can sled on an inch of snow!

And they're actually talking about more snow possibly on Thursday night, and then again on next week! We'll see...

A year ago today Hannah's doctor broached the subject of hospice care with us for the first time. It was not an unexpected conversation, but was just so surreal. We had spent the first few days of February inpatient at Arkansas Children's Hospital due to fever and neutropenia (extremely low immunity) and during that hospitalization, she began sleeping almost around the clock. Hannah's original tumor (which was regrowing) was located in the pineal region of her brain, where melatonin is produced. Melatonin is the chemical your body produces that regulates your sleep patterns. Our doctor explained that some people who have tumors in this area suffer from insomnia, and some sleep all the time. We were thankful that Hannah was able to sleep, although we hated that it took away from our time with her. After talking with the doctor that day, we decided that it was time for Brad and Bethany to stop going to work and school (I had stopped working several months before) so that we could spend as much time together as possible. That was a good decision...those days together were precious, but very difficult.

I'll close tonight with a quote I saw recently...It's simple, but true. "Unshakeable faith is faith that has been shaken." I love that!

February

I realize we're already a week into February, but this evening is the first opportunity I've had to sit down and share my feelings about this month. February has not been good to us the last two years. Two years ago this month Hannah first began experiencing some strange symptoms. A few days later we found out she had a brain tumor and a few days after that she had brain surgery. One year ago this month she left our home for the last time, and ten days later left this life for Heaven. We have many very difficult memories associated with the month of February. I plan to share some of them as we go through these upcoming days. I actually think it's therapeutic for me to write about some of these things...it helps me sort through my thoughts and feelings.

Brad and I have had some time alone this evening while Bethany is at a Superbowl party at our church. We were discussing someone we know who is currently battling cancer and could possibly be going to Heaven soon, and Brad said, "You know...I'm actually kind of jealous." I knew exactly what he meant...and I agreed with him. Now, don't be thinking that someone needs to stage an intervention. Neither one of us really wants to go to Heaven before it's God's time for us. But our perspective on life and death certainly has changed. There is no fear or dread of death...when it comes, we'll be ready.

And now, it's back to watching the Superbowl for the evening. I think Hannah would have been pulling for the Colts...she kind of liked the Manning brothers!

OK...Finally the Weekend Update!

Ahhhh...a few moments of solitude. Brad and Bethany have gone to church for the evening, and I stayed home to try to get caught up on everything I've fallen behind on since even before our weekend trip. I have really enjoyed this basketball season, but I'm about ready for it to be over...and it will be in about 2 1/2 more weeks! Hopefully things will finally slow down a little bit after that!

So the weekend began with a major winter storm hitting Arkansas on Friday. As you know, our Saturday morning flight was canceled, but we were able to re-book for 2:40 on Saturday afternoon. As we started to the airport this morning, this is what the trees looked like:

And the mailboxes:


And the interstate to Little Rock:

It was slow going, as you can see. Good thing we left early...we made it to the airport in plenty of time to get through security and board the plane, which left promptly at 2:40. We landed in Chicago around 4:30, and were met by my cousin, Sharon, her husband, Mike, and her two youngest daughters, Rebecca and Courtney. Mike is an incredibly talented cabinet maker and woodworker, and he is currently working on a job in the Trump Tower in downtown Chicago. So they took us on a little side trip to the 86th floor of the Tower, where we visited what best could be described as a penthouse apartment. This is what you saw when you looked out the window (which was basically an entire wall of this apartment):

Incredible, huh? I'm not sure I'd actually want to live there, but I wouldn't mind staying there for a week or two! Then we went out for some Chicago-style pizza (what else?) and headed to their house in DeMotte, Indiana...about a 90-minute drive from Chicago.

We got up the next morning and went to Mike & Sharon's church, where we had the opportunity to share God's goodness through Hannah's story during the Sunday School hour. We talked with many wonderful people while we were there, but were especially blessed by two of our visits. One was with a man named Richard whose precious mother lives in Arkansas, attends our church, and is a part of the Anchor of Hope cancer ministry. She is bravely battling ovarian cancer with the most wonderful, positive attitude. We met Richard one time when he was visiting Arkansas from Indiana, nearly two years ago, when his mom was first diagnosed...about the same time that Hannah was. We struck up a bit of a friendship at that time, and we've become quite close to his mom, so it was great to get to have the opportunity to see him again.

The other special visit was with a couple who lost their daughter, Jill Marie, to cancer ten years ago when she was 17 years old. It's kind of an interesting story how we came to know this couple...a little over ten years ago, we visited my family in Indiana, and once again, we were touring a property that Mike had done some cabinet work in. It was actually a Tour of Homes type event, and several builders had homes on display. One in particular caught my eye, because the home itself was called "The Jill Marie". It caught my eye because Jill Marie is my name...I'd never heard of anyone with my exact same name! My cousin Sharon explained to me before we toured the home that the builder had recently lost his daughter to cancer, and their family had named the home after her. As we walked through the house, there were some family pictures displayed, and I remember looking at those pictures of Jill Marie and their family and thinking, "Wow...I cannot imagine losing a child"...never dreaming, of course, that I would be in the same situation someday. Well, after Hannah went to Heaven, Sharon introduced Jill Marie's mom and I to each other via email. We've corresponded several times over the past year, and she's been such an encouragement to me...demonstrating that it is possible to not only survive, but thrive, after such a loss. We finally got to meet her and her husband in person at church Sunday morning, and then she attended the Princess Tea that evening as well. The bond that exists between parents who've lost children is an incredible thing...it is instant and lasting. I think that their Jill Marie and our Hannah Joy would have been good friends here on earth...and I have to believe they've met in Heaven.

After church, we returned to my cousin's house and had a nice afternoon visiting with them and my aunt and uncle. We brought Bethany and Courtney to one of the youth leader's homes so they could get their hair and make-up done for the tea, and then headed to the center where it was being held about 4:45. It was beautifully decorated in pinks, greens, and oranges. I wish I had pictures to share, but our camera was temporarily misplaced and I didn't have it for the evening. The girls started arriving shortly thereafter and they all looked beautiful. I'm not sure how many actually came, but they were expecting about 95. I do have a few pictures to share which my aunt emailed to me...

Bethany and Courtney:

Bethany, Courtney, Rebecca, and my Aunt Kay:

Me, Sharon, and Rebecca:

The dinner was delicious! Several girls led in praise and worship music, and there was a really cool mixer activity where the girls were each given a different color of sand which they poured in layers into the vases on the table, symbolizing the unity we have as the body of Christ. Each one also got to create her own sand globe to take home, using the different colors of sand.

Finally, it was time for me to share. Many of the girls in attendance had followed Hannah's story from the beginning through the emails....I really didn't realize how many until afterward. Nearly all of them knew at least something about her story. And the telling of her story brought out a lot of emotion from them...making it difficult for me to continue a couple of times. I encouraged them to stay strong in their faith through their storms and to make sure they were prepared for life's storms by having a growing relationship with God. After I finished, one of the leaders provided all of the girls with pens and paper and asked them to write me a note. The highlight of the evening for the girls was a coronation, complete with a tiara, and a reminder to each individual girl that she was a daughter of the King. It was a beautiful and meaningful way to end a special night.

Afterwards, we headed back to Mike & Sharon's house, tired but revived. The next morning we were up at 3:45, at O'Hare by 6:30, on the plane at 8:30, and home by about 11:30. Bethany and Brad were at school by noon, so she could play basketball that night. A very quick, but extremely rewarding, trip.

I didn't read the notes from the girls until Monday afternoon. I was overwhelmed by their honesty, openness, and willingness to share their hearts. So many shared how they have been impacted by Hannah's story. As I read them (and there is a huge stack of them), I could only imagine what Hannah would think. How her prayer that God would use her through a storm has been answered far beyond what she could ever ask or imagine. And how humbling it is to think that God could possibly use me as an instrument to share His glory through her story...all I can do is shake my head and pray that I will be found worthy.

For all of you who prayed for our safety and for the speaking events on this trip...thank you. We could never share like this without your prayer support. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This Weekend

I've been trying to get an update on here ever since we got home from Indiana on Monday...but it's late tonight, and I'm ready for bed. We landed in Little Rock about 10:15 yesterday morning and have been running ever since...basketball last night and tonight, with more to come on Thursday and Friday. Hopefully I'll have some time tomorrow night to update. I'm anxious to share all of our experiences and blessings, and I want to take the time to do it right. So check back soon, and hopefully there will be an update!

Leavin' on a Jet Plane...

According to the internet, planes are leaving on schedule from the Little Rock Airport today...Yes! We are about to leave home, heading for the airport, and should be flying out at 2:41 p.m. Please continue to pray that all goes well this weekend and that God is honored by all that is said and done!

A Change of Plans...And A Request for Prayer!

We woke up this morning to all of our trees (and power lines!) covered with a glistening coat of ice. The weather folks had actually been predicting this for a few days, but we really didn't think it would happen. Something very similar was predicted a couple weeks ago, and nothing happened, so we didn't take this forecast too seriously. Well, it was bad enough this morning that today's school and tonight's basketball games were canceled. Additional ice and snow accumulations were forecast for this afternoon, so we decided to head on up to Little Rock (about an hour drive), go out for a nice dinner at Macaroni Grill (thanks to a Christmas gift card from a dear friend) get a hotel room, and be close to the airport for our 7:15 a.m. flight to Chicago. We left home around noon on clear roads but surrounded by beautiful, but heavily iced, trees. Within about ten miles of home, though, a fresh round of heavy sleet began, and the road conditions quickly deteriorated. We abandoned our Macaroni Grill plans, deciding instead to go to a restaurant close to the airport and our hotel. They were very short-staffed due to the weather, so we were there for quite a while...long enough for people to start coming in from the airport, all of them talking about canceled flights. The folks at the table next to us were trying to fly to Chicago today, but their flight had been canceled, and they had rebooked for the 7:15 a.m. flight tomorrow. Some other folks were talking about other flights for tomorrow morning, which had already been canceled. So, we decided to head over to the airport and see if we could find out anything at the United counter about tomorrow's flights. They wouldn't tell Brad anything at the ticket counter, but he ran into someone he knew who had been waiting at the airport all day for a flight to Florida. He'd been bumped from one flight to another all day, and was finally giving up. We then decided to head over to the hotel where we had reservations, just to have a quiet place where we could sit down and call the airline. After several minutes of automated menus and holding, we were told that tomorrow's 7:15 a.m. flight had been already been canceled. There was a 10:30 flight to Chicago, but it was already full. There was also a 2:40 p.m. flight with a few seats available, and they were able to transfer us to that flight with no additional charges. While we were sitting in the lobby, people were streaming in from the airport, all of them on their cellphones, trying to get flights rescheduled. There were even TSA people and baggage handlers coming in. The precipitation had stopped by this time, and since our flight was now not until the afternoon, we decided to head home and sleep in our own beds. So, we canceled our hotel reservation, and made our way home. It was a slow ride with a few scary moments, but tonight we are back at home watching "The Fugitive" in front of the fireplace. It is now snowing, and is about 27 degrees outside.

On the way home, we heard on the radio that there were 116 flights canceled at the Little Rock airport today, and that they were going to be working hard to get at least one runway open tomorrow. The high temperature tomorrow in Little Rock is forecast to be 33 degrees. A storm like this is fairly rare in central Arkansas, and our airport is just really not equipped to handle it. Please pray that our plane will fly out as scheduled tomorrow, so we can make it to DeMotte, Indiana, for the Sunday morning church service and the Princess Tea that afternoon. If this flight is canceled, there will not be another until Sunday morning. We know that it is all in God's hands, and He is in control.

I think I've mentioned before how Hannah didn't like winter weather too much, and driving in it really made her nervous. Several times as we were driving today, I thought about how much Hannah would have hated driving around in that stuff today, and how she would have been freaking out when we fishtailed a couple times on the interstate. And then I remembered that if Hannah were here, we wouldn't even be going to Indiana. We would have been home watching movies in front of the fireplace all day. But she's not here...she's in Heaven. And that's precisely why we want to go and share her story...so more people will know about God's love, peace, and comfort, and have a home in Heaven someday.

I'll keep you posted on our trip plans.....Thanks for your prayers!

A Unique Opportunity

This coming weekend, our family will have a unique opportunity to share what God has done in our lives through Hannah's storm. I have relatives in DeMotte, Indiana, and we will be flying there this weekend to give our testimony. On Sunday morning, we will be sharing in my cousin's church. Then, that evening, I will have the privilege of sharing at an event called a Princess Tea. This is an event that my aunt and uncle's church hosts each year, and it sounds like a very special occasion. It is for junior high and high school girls, and has a prom-like atmosphere (minus the guys!). The girls get dressed up in formal dresses, get their hair done, and then are transported to the venue. The emphasis is on the fact that they are "Daughters of the King", and they are treated as royalty for the evening. Each girl is given a special gift as a symbol of God's love for her. There is praise and worship music, and a special speaker...this year, that speaker will be me.

I am humbled, excited, and frankly, a little bit scared about the whole thing! It's such an incredible opportunity, and I want to be so careful to share just what God wants these girls to hear. It's a rather difficult thing to introduce a story about a teenage girl dying of cancer into a fun-filled occasion such as this. Honestly, I've really been struggling with how to do that. But just this morning, our pastor referred to Matthew 5:16 in his sermon, and I thought, "That's it! That's the direction I need to go!" It says, "...let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven." That's Hannah! And she could only let her light shine because of her dependence on Him. And she could depend on Him, because she asked Him to be her Savior when she was eight years old. It's still coming together, but at least it's coming. Please pray that I will follow God's direction as I continue working on it, and also pray that at this time next week, I'll be able to deliver His message with conviction and without too much emotion. Every time I speak, there's always the possibility that emotion will render me speechless...to this point, though, God has given me the ability to get through it every time. It's got to be Him, because I could never do it on my own. And your prayers for me and for our family are a huge part of that....Thank you!

The Ultimate Victory

For the past couple of months, I've been following the blog of a woman with glioblastoma, the same kind of cancer Hannah had. Her husband is the author. I don't know these people personally...I don't even know where they live. I used to hear her husband on the Christian radio station I listened to years ago when I drove back and forth between El Dorado and Crossett three days a week, and I always enjoyed hearing what he had to say. He's not a particularly well-known person in the Christian community, but he has published a few books, and I actually bought one for my dad several years ago. The blog was recommended to me by a friend who knew that this lady and Hannah shared the same kind of cancer, and he thought I would be interested in following it.

By the time I started reading this blog, the woman's health had already deteriorated to about where Hannah's was this time last year...probably even a little worse. What interested me most, though, was the husband's attitude toward her illness. As her illness progressed, he began making comments referring to his belief that Satan was trying to steal his wife's life away, and that "the evil one" was trying to silence her. Honestly, I was floored by this attitude...I just couldn't comprehend it! We never, ever, EVER felt that Hannah's life was being taken by Satan. God had every single day of Hannah's life planned, and I believe that when His will for her was completed, He lovingly took her to her home in Heaven. There was no victory for the "evil one" in Hannah's death!

This lady passed away last Wednesday, and other than the announcement of her death, there have been no new posts by her husband. I do think they are Christian people, and I believe she is in Heaven with the Lord. And I pray for her husband, that he will realize that his wife has won the ultimate victory, and receive peace from that knowledge. Psalm 116:15 tells us "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." What a beautiful thought!

P.S.--Bethany is feeling much better tonight. Thank you to all who have asked about her and prayed for her as she's been sick!

Tournament Champions!

We've had a very full week of basketball this week, which reached its peak tonight when Bethany's team won a tournament hosted by the Bismarck School District. They had to beat two teams earlier this week to reach the finals, and their opponent in the finals tonight was Lakeside School District, a large 5A school, versus our small 3A school. It was quite an exciting match-up, with Lakeside coming out strong early on. The girls inched their way back in, though, and played them close for most of the game. In the fourth quarter, we were down by seven, but our girls kept plugging away, and before you knew it, the game was tied...and we went into overtime. Bethany was one of several girls who hit a critical basket in overtime (although in this game, every point was critical), and we ended up beating Lakeside 36-35. The crowd went crazy, and the trophy was presented. Bethany has actually been sick for the past few days with a severe sore throat, spending the last two days on the couch, and just getting up to play basketball. Thankfully, we'll have a little break now...her next game won't be until Thursday!

I think I've shared on this blog before that Hannah was Bethany's biggest fan. She would always sit next to me while we watched the games and continuously encouraged and cheered for Bethany. I always loved that she chose to sit and share the experience with me, rather than sit with her friends. As we drove home from Bismarck tonight, we talked about how much Hannah would have enjoyed tonight's game, and how she would have been cheering for her sister. We discussed whether Hannah would be watching from Heaven...and I'm not sure about that. I just can't really imagine someone in Heaven, surrounded by all that glory and beauty, looking down on earth to watch a basketball game. I don't know.I do know that Bethany misses her sister. So much goes on in a 14 year old girl's life that she needs to talk to someone about.

As I watched Bethany & Hannah grow up together, and share so much of each other's lives...often choosing to sleep together just so they could tell stories, laugh, and talk late into the night...I came to realize how much I missed out on by not having a sister. And for Bethany, who once had and now has lost a sister, the loss is enormous. And in so many ways now, she is set apart from her peers. The experience of walking with her sister through brain surgery, radiation and chemotherapy, the loss of her hair, devastating setbacks, loss of vision, motor skills, personality, and intellectual ability, and finally, sitting beside her holding her hand as she died, has changed her. She understands far more about life and death than most kids her age, and the typical junior high drama does not interest her. Unfortunately, she sometimes gets swept up into it unwillingly, and that's when she needs her sister to talk to. I can be her mom (and we've gotten quite close), but I can't be her sister, and it is not my role to be her best friend. It is my job to teach her to lean on Jesus, who will always be there for her. Please pray for both of us, that we will continually depend on Him, and give Him the glory!

American Idol

Very quietly, almost unnoticed, American Idol began its new season tonight. Over the past several years, the beginning of American Idol was a highly anticipated event in our home. You cannot imagine what a big deal it was around here. Hannah became a fan of the show in its second season...during the big face-off between Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken. She liked Ruben that year, and was thrilled when he won. The next year, she supported Diana DeGarmo, spending two hours voting for her after each show. Carrie Underwood was her favorite the next year, followed by Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks, and David Cook. She was pretty good at picking the winners, and it was probably her relentless voting that put most of them over the top! We would arrange our whole schedule around Tuesday and Wednesday evenings...thank goodness for the DVR we got a few years ago! She and I attended four American Idol concerts together, and I have some wonderful memories associated with Hannah and American Idol.

I also have some rather difficult memories associated with Hannah and American Idol. I remember watching the show together in the hospital, just a few days after her brain surgery. It was hard for her to watch, because the surgery had left her unable to look up with her eyes without moving her head, and of course, the TV was mounted up high on the wall. After we returned home, we watched that season together with particular interest in David Cook, whose brother was also battling brain cancer. I remember cringing as they talked about how seriously ill he was, wondering what was going through her mind as she listened. We watched the David vs. David finale that year, and Hannah cheered as David Cook was declared the winner.

Hannah was a huge fan of Carrie Underwood, and when I heard she was coming to Little Rock in May, I immediately went on line and bought three tickets for the concert (Brad never has gotten into the whole American Idol thing). The concert was scheduled for just after Hannah's radiation was completed, and we thought it would be a fun way to celebrate getting that part of treatment behind us. But just a few days before the concert, Hannah really began to feel bad...very weak and extremely tired. The day of the concert came, and she could hardly even get out of the recliner. So, we did not go...Bethany and I just couldn't go without her. We found out on the following Monday that Hannah's blood counts were extremely low and she needed blood and platelet transfusions. That was the first time we had experienced this...up until that time, her blood counts had all been fine, so we didn't recognize the symptoms of severe anemia. That was the first of over 100 blood product transfusions.

Last January, when American Idol began, Hannah was excited about it, as always. Our least favorite part of the show is the auditions, but we still watched them and got a kick out of all the people who thought they could sing, but couldn't. But it was about this time last year that Hannah first began to show signs of slipping cognitively. After the first couple of shows, Hannah had difficulty remembering who she had seen the week before, and although she knew there was someone from Arkansas who had done well in the auditions, she kept getting confused about who it was. By the time they got to the Hollywood rounds, she still wanted to watch the show, but she could not follow it at all, and did not know who Kris Allen was. And I believe she knew, deep down, that she would not see the finale.

On the Sunday before Hannah went to Heaven on Thursday, she received a phone call in her hospice room from her all-time American Idol favorite, Jordin Sparks. Although Hannah was unable to talk back to her, Jordin spoke to her and to all of us on speakerphone, and even sang "No Air" to her. Jordin was incredibly gracious and kind, and so upbeat and bubbly, although I'm sure it was a difficult thing for her to do--she was not much older than Hannah herself. It was a bittersweet moment...something Hannah would have been so excited about...but I'm not even sure if she really knew who was talking to her. After her death, we watched the rest of the season rather half-heartedly until Kris Allen from Arkansas became one of the finalists. We got behind him and helped vote him to victory. Brad even joined in on the voting! Hannah would have enjoyed seeing the Arkansas boy win.

If you're not an American Idol fan, and you've managed to read this far into this post, I'm surprised you've stuck with it. I'm sure you have no idea (and probably very little interest) who any of these people even are. And I guess that's my point. As big a deal as American Idol has been in our household over the past eight years or so, it's so irrelevant in the big picture, as is most of what we spend our time and energy doing. Only what is done for the Kingdom of God is of eternal value. Fame is fleeting, fortune is quickly wasted, and health is easily lost, but God's Word will stand forever. Let's spend our time and energy on things of significance.

Will we watch American Idol this year? Probably. We DVR'd tonight's episode, but haven't watched it yet. There have been some changes in the show's direction that don't really excite me. It's certainly not the same watching it without Hannah. And I'm a different person than I was when I first started watching it with her. Older, wiser, sadder...but better because of what the Lord has taught me through my own daughter. He continues to teach, and I pray that I will continue to learn. I am determined that I will not waste Hannah's storm.

More Thank Yous

In my last post, I shared a little bit about Hannah's former youth director, and the impact he and his wife had on her life. I would be remiss if I did not mention the many, many others who played a part in her spiritual growth over the years. I won't even attempt to mention them all by name, because I would almost certainly leave somebody out...but as I sit here tonight, I can see the faces of all the nursery workers, AWANA leaders, children's choir helpers, Sunday School teachers, and youth leaders who taught Hannah over the years. Many of you read this blog...you know who you are! How thankful I am for each of you! When faced with such an enormous crisis in her young life, Hannah remembered all those Bible stories you shared, the songs she sang, and those verses you taught her. Her faith is what carried her through, and you were a huge part of that.

Maybe you didn't teach Hannah, but you are a nursery worker, Sunday School teacher, AWANA leader, children's choir helper, or youth leader at your church. I know that sometimes it can feel like a thankless job, but believe me, you are making a difference in those kids' lives. Thank you for allowing God to use you. You may never know...actually, you probably won't ever know...how what you're teaching today will affect them tomorrow.

We have a busy week ahead...Bethany will be playing in a basketball tournament. Their team has only lost one game this season, and that was by two points in overtime. They have been a lot of fun to watch, which is good, because we've been watching them a lot! Bethany is truly a blessing in our lives, and we are so thankful for her!

Getting Back Into a Routine

Well, at least Brad and Bethany are getting back into a routine. I just work four days a week, Tuesday through Friday, so I have one more glorious day at home by myself before I start back. For a little while this morning, it looked like they might be coming home early...there was a dusting of snow on the ground when we got up, and as I was driving Bethany to school, snow began falling again. It continued to snow heavily (beautiful, giant flakes) for a couple of hours, and I was beginning to wonder if I would be getting a call from the school, when it finally thinned out and stopped. As I watched the snow fall, I was reminded of the evening of Hannah's visitation. It was February 28th, and just as the visitation was beginning on that cold evening. a light snow began to fall...unusual for Arkansas. Several precious people whispered to me that evening that Hannah must have sent the snow from Heaven just for us. And I had to smile to myself, because unlike most kids, Hannah hated snow. Oh, she liked it when she was little...we have great memories of sledding (or trying to sled) on our neighborhood streets in El Dorado, making snow angels, having snowball fights, etc. And she liked getting out of school because of snow. But, as she'd gotten older, she liked snow less and less. She just really didn't like cold weather, especially after she got sick. But she would have appreciated the beauty of the snowfall this morning, and I wished she was here with me to watch it.

Yesterday in church we had some special guests. Mike Beck was Hannah's youth director when we first came to Hot Springs Baptist Church about 4 1/2 years ago, and Jennifer, his wife, was Hannah's Sunday School teacher. Mike was Hannah's youth leader when she attended the Disciple Now event where she prayed for a storm. He is very talented musically, and would often lead the youth in worship. Anything he sang became one of Hannah's favorite songs, including the one I shared in my previous posting. Just a few months before Hannah was diagnosed, God called them to the mission field in Portugal, where they are still serving today. It was wonderful to see them yesterday. As they shared their struggles and frustrations in trying to reach a very secular society for Christ (Mike became emotional as he shared that only one person had accepted the Lord as his Savior in the past two yeas), I couldn't help but think about how much of a difference they had made in the life of one teenage girl in Arkansas. Clearly, some of the things she learned under Mike & Jennifer's teaching helped her get through an incredibly difficult experience. We are so thankful for the influence they had on Hannah's life, and know that God has great plans for their ministry in Portugal. Seeds are being planted and watered for the kingdom of God. You can read more about them at http://www.becksinportugal.com/.

New Year's Eve Reflections

As 2009 draws to a close, I feel a sense of relief that this year is over. It's been such a difficult year. Every New Year's Eve since we've known each other (24 years), Brad and I have had a discussion entitled, "I Wonder What Next Year Holds", always full of joyful anticipation of upcoming events. Last New Year's Eve that discussion was much more sober and subdued...without a miraculous intervention from God, it was becoming clearer every day that our daughter would go to Heaven in 2009. And she did, and now we have reached another New Year's Eve.

We made it through Christmas remarkably well, due to the prayers of so many faithful friends and family members. We enjoyed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home, just the three of us, and it was a precious time. Bethany was thrilled with all of her presents, especially her iPod Touch. I cooked a nice dinner for us, and then that evening we went to see The Blind Side (which I highly recommend)! It wasn't until we were on our way home from the movie that the pent-up emotions of the day hit all three of us. We finally made it home and had a message on our answering machine...a very sweet little voice saying "Mewwy Twismas...This is Julia...I love you!" It was our little niece who lives in Indonesia. We were sorry to have missed their call, but that precious message helped lift us out of a low spot.

The day after Christmas we headed to Brad's parents' home in Van Buren, where we celebrated Christmas with all of his family. The event was somewhat overshadowed by the fact that his mom fell and broke her arm that morning. I know she was in pain that evening, but she sat with her arm in a sling and propped up with pillows and watched all of her granddaughters (there are no grandsons!) open their presents. We left out some of the family traditions this year...as the oldest, Hannah always directed her cousins in a presentation of a nativity play, and she was usually "three French hens" in the family rendition of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". It was just too painful to go there this year. They did have a beautiful snowfall in Van Buren on Christmas Eve, so the cousins got to play in the snow, which was a special treat.

The next day we headed to my parents' house in Mountain Home to celebrate Christmas with them and my older brother's family. My nephew was on a church youth retreat, so we did not actually open presents until Tuesday night when he got back home. In the meantime, we enjoyed lots of good family time. My mom and I participated in our favorite Christmas tradition...shopping! We spent the day Monday in Springfield, Missouri, where we found some great after-Christmas bargains, and basically just enjoyed being together. My dad, Brad, and Bethany enjoyed their favorite Christmas tradition--hunting--and Bethany killed a doe. We will have plenty of deer meat in our freezer this winter! Of course, we missed Hannah while we were there, as well as my younger brother, sister-in-law, and two nieces in Indonesia. It seemed like a very small gathering this year, but we enjoyed our time together.

Yesterday, we came home, only to turn around and drive back to Little Rock last night for the Arkansas Razorback/Baylor Bears basketball game. Brad's sister works for the Baylor University athletic department, and she got us fixed up with second row seats, just behind the Baylor bench. If you happened to watch the game on ESPN2, you saw us. You may not have realized it, but you saw us. Out of consideration for the Baylor player's families with whom we were sitting, we did not wear our Razorback red or participate in calling the Hogs...which felt a little strange! By the end of the game, there wasn't much for a Razorback fan to cheer about anyway. Of course, I didn't think to bring a camera, so I don't have any pictures to post, but we had a great time!

And that brings us back to tonight...New Year's Eve. As I " Wonder What Next Year Holds", I realize that I have no idea what next year holds. Next year is completely and totally out of my control. That is just one of the many things I have learned over the past 22 months. As a control freak, that is sometimes hard for me to accept...I like for everything to fit neatly into my plan. But life doesn't work that way, and I am thankful for a God who is in control. All I have to do is let Him be who He is.

I want to close tonight with the words of Hannah's favorite contemporary Christian song. Whenever she heard it on the radio as we drove back and forth to Little Rock for radiation treatments, platelet transfusions, and chemo infusions, she would say, "Turn it up!"

"You Never Let Go"

from the CD "Beautiful News" by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley

Of the shadow of death

Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle

Of the storms of this life

I won't turn back; I know You are near

And I will fear no evil

For my God is with me

And if my God is with me

Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, you never let go of me.

And I can see a light that is coming

For the heart that holds on

A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

We'll live to know you here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

For the heart that holds on

And there will be an end

To these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You

Still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me.

Hannah truly lived the lyrics of this song...she faced her storm without fear, and He never did let go of her. It's a good reminder that we too can trust Him as we step into 2010.