Leavin' on a Jet Plane...

According to the internet, planes are leaving on schedule from the Little Rock Airport today...Yes! We are about to leave home, heading for the airport, and should be flying out at 2:41 p.m. Please continue to pray that all goes well this weekend and that God is honored by all that is said and done!

A Change of Plans...And A Request for Prayer!

We woke up this morning to all of our trees (and power lines!) covered with a glistening coat of ice. The weather folks had actually been predicting this for a few days, but we really didn't think it would happen. Something very similar was predicted a couple weeks ago, and nothing happened, so we didn't take this forecast too seriously. Well, it was bad enough this morning that today's school and tonight's basketball games were canceled. Additional ice and snow accumulations were forecast for this afternoon, so we decided to head on up to Little Rock (about an hour drive), go out for a nice dinner at Macaroni Grill (thanks to a Christmas gift card from a dear friend) get a hotel room, and be close to the airport for our 7:15 a.m. flight to Chicago. We left home around noon on clear roads but surrounded by beautiful, but heavily iced, trees. Within about ten miles of home, though, a fresh round of heavy sleet began, and the road conditions quickly deteriorated. We abandoned our Macaroni Grill plans, deciding instead to go to a restaurant close to the airport and our hotel. They were very short-staffed due to the weather, so we were there for quite a while...long enough for people to start coming in from the airport, all of them talking about canceled flights. The folks at the table next to us were trying to fly to Chicago today, but their flight had been canceled, and they had rebooked for the 7:15 a.m. flight tomorrow. Some other folks were talking about other flights for tomorrow morning, which had already been canceled. So, we decided to head over to the airport and see if we could find out anything at the United counter about tomorrow's flights. They wouldn't tell Brad anything at the ticket counter, but he ran into someone he knew who had been waiting at the airport all day for a flight to Florida. He'd been bumped from one flight to another all day, and was finally giving up. We then decided to head over to the hotel where we had reservations, just to have a quiet place where we could sit down and call the airline. After several minutes of automated menus and holding, we were told that tomorrow's 7:15 a.m. flight had been already been canceled. There was a 10:30 flight to Chicago, but it was already full. There was also a 2:40 p.m. flight with a few seats available, and they were able to transfer us to that flight with no additional charges. While we were sitting in the lobby, people were streaming in from the airport, all of them on their cellphones, trying to get flights rescheduled. There were even TSA people and baggage handlers coming in. The precipitation had stopped by this time, and since our flight was now not until the afternoon, we decided to head home and sleep in our own beds. So, we canceled our hotel reservation, and made our way home. It was a slow ride with a few scary moments, but tonight we are back at home watching "The Fugitive" in front of the fireplace. It is now snowing, and is about 27 degrees outside.

On the way home, we heard on the radio that there were 116 flights canceled at the Little Rock airport today, and that they were going to be working hard to get at least one runway open tomorrow. The high temperature tomorrow in Little Rock is forecast to be 33 degrees. A storm like this is fairly rare in central Arkansas, and our airport is just really not equipped to handle it. Please pray that our plane will fly out as scheduled tomorrow, so we can make it to DeMotte, Indiana, for the Sunday morning church service and the Princess Tea that afternoon. If this flight is canceled, there will not be another until Sunday morning. We know that it is all in God's hands, and He is in control.

I think I've mentioned before how Hannah didn't like winter weather too much, and driving in it really made her nervous. Several times as we were driving today, I thought about how much Hannah would have hated driving around in that stuff today, and how she would have been freaking out when we fishtailed a couple times on the interstate. And then I remembered that if Hannah were here, we wouldn't even be going to Indiana. We would have been home watching movies in front of the fireplace all day. But she's not here...she's in Heaven. And that's precisely why we want to go and share her story...so more people will know about God's love, peace, and comfort, and have a home in Heaven someday.

I'll keep you posted on our trip plans.....Thanks for your prayers!

A Unique Opportunity

This coming weekend, our family will have a unique opportunity to share what God has done in our lives through Hannah's storm. I have relatives in DeMotte, Indiana, and we will be flying there this weekend to give our testimony. On Sunday morning, we will be sharing in my cousin's church. Then, that evening, I will have the privilege of sharing at an event called a Princess Tea. This is an event that my aunt and uncle's church hosts each year, and it sounds like a very special occasion. It is for junior high and high school girls, and has a prom-like atmosphere (minus the guys!). The girls get dressed up in formal dresses, get their hair done, and then are transported to the venue. The emphasis is on the fact that they are "Daughters of the King", and they are treated as royalty for the evening. Each girl is given a special gift as a symbol of God's love for her. There is praise and worship music, and a special speaker...this year, that speaker will be me.

I am humbled, excited, and frankly, a little bit scared about the whole thing! It's such an incredible opportunity, and I want to be so careful to share just what God wants these girls to hear. It's a rather difficult thing to introduce a story about a teenage girl dying of cancer into a fun-filled occasion such as this. Honestly, I've really been struggling with how to do that. But just this morning, our pastor referred to Matthew 5:16 in his sermon, and I thought, "That's it! That's the direction I need to go!" It says, "...let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in Heaven." That's Hannah! And she could only let her light shine because of her dependence on Him. And she could depend on Him, because she asked Him to be her Savior when she was eight years old. It's still coming together, but at least it's coming. Please pray that I will follow God's direction as I continue working on it, and also pray that at this time next week, I'll be able to deliver His message with conviction and without too much emotion. Every time I speak, there's always the possibility that emotion will render me speechless...to this point, though, God has given me the ability to get through it every time. It's got to be Him, because I could never do it on my own. And your prayers for me and for our family are a huge part of that....Thank you!

The Ultimate Victory

For the past couple of months, I've been following the blog of a woman with glioblastoma, the same kind of cancer Hannah had. Her husband is the author. I don't know these people personally...I don't even know where they live. I used to hear her husband on the Christian radio station I listened to years ago when I drove back and forth between El Dorado and Crossett three days a week, and I always enjoyed hearing what he had to say. He's not a particularly well-known person in the Christian community, but he has published a few books, and I actually bought one for my dad several years ago. The blog was recommended to me by a friend who knew that this lady and Hannah shared the same kind of cancer, and he thought I would be interested in following it.

By the time I started reading this blog, the woman's health had already deteriorated to about where Hannah's was this time last year...probably even a little worse. What interested me most, though, was the husband's attitude toward her illness. As her illness progressed, he began making comments referring to his belief that Satan was trying to steal his wife's life away, and that "the evil one" was trying to silence her. Honestly, I was floored by this attitude...I just couldn't comprehend it! We never, ever, EVER felt that Hannah's life was being taken by Satan. God had every single day of Hannah's life planned, and I believe that when His will for her was completed, He lovingly took her to her home in Heaven. There was no victory for the "evil one" in Hannah's death!

This lady passed away last Wednesday, and other than the announcement of her death, there have been no new posts by her husband. I do think they are Christian people, and I believe she is in Heaven with the Lord. And I pray for her husband, that he will realize that his wife has won the ultimate victory, and receive peace from that knowledge. Psalm 116:15 tells us "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." What a beautiful thought!

P.S.--Bethany is feeling much better tonight. Thank you to all who have asked about her and prayed for her as she's been sick!

Tournament Champions!

We've had a very full week of basketball this week, which reached its peak tonight when Bethany's team won a tournament hosted by the Bismarck School District. They had to beat two teams earlier this week to reach the finals, and their opponent in the finals tonight was Lakeside School District, a large 5A school, versus our small 3A school. It was quite an exciting match-up, with Lakeside coming out strong early on. The girls inched their way back in, though, and played them close for most of the game. In the fourth quarter, we were down by seven, but our girls kept plugging away, and before you knew it, the game was tied...and we went into overtime. Bethany was one of several girls who hit a critical basket in overtime (although in this game, every point was critical), and we ended up beating Lakeside 36-35. The crowd went crazy, and the trophy was presented. Bethany has actually been sick for the past few days with a severe sore throat, spending the last two days on the couch, and just getting up to play basketball. Thankfully, we'll have a little break now...her next game won't be until Thursday!

I think I've shared on this blog before that Hannah was Bethany's biggest fan. She would always sit next to me while we watched the games and continuously encouraged and cheered for Bethany. I always loved that she chose to sit and share the experience with me, rather than sit with her friends. As we drove home from Bismarck tonight, we talked about how much Hannah would have enjoyed tonight's game, and how she would have been cheering for her sister. We discussed whether Hannah would be watching from Heaven...and I'm not sure about that. I just can't really imagine someone in Heaven, surrounded by all that glory and beauty, looking down on earth to watch a basketball game. I don't know.I do know that Bethany misses her sister. So much goes on in a 14 year old girl's life that she needs to talk to someone about.

As I watched Bethany & Hannah grow up together, and share so much of each other's lives...often choosing to sleep together just so they could tell stories, laugh, and talk late into the night...I came to realize how much I missed out on by not having a sister. And for Bethany, who once had and now has lost a sister, the loss is enormous. And in so many ways now, she is set apart from her peers. The experience of walking with her sister through brain surgery, radiation and chemotherapy, the loss of her hair, devastating setbacks, loss of vision, motor skills, personality, and intellectual ability, and finally, sitting beside her holding her hand as she died, has changed her. She understands far more about life and death than most kids her age, and the typical junior high drama does not interest her. Unfortunately, she sometimes gets swept up into it unwillingly, and that's when she needs her sister to talk to. I can be her mom (and we've gotten quite close), but I can't be her sister, and it is not my role to be her best friend. It is my job to teach her to lean on Jesus, who will always be there for her. Please pray for both of us, that we will continually depend on Him, and give Him the glory!

American Idol

Very quietly, almost unnoticed, American Idol began its new season tonight. Over the past several years, the beginning of American Idol was a highly anticipated event in our home. You cannot imagine what a big deal it was around here. Hannah became a fan of the show in its second season...during the big face-off between Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken. She liked Ruben that year, and was thrilled when he won. The next year, she supported Diana DeGarmo, spending two hours voting for her after each show. Carrie Underwood was her favorite the next year, followed by Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks, and David Cook. She was pretty good at picking the winners, and it was probably her relentless voting that put most of them over the top! We would arrange our whole schedule around Tuesday and Wednesday evenings...thank goodness for the DVR we got a few years ago! She and I attended four American Idol concerts together, and I have some wonderful memories associated with Hannah and American Idol.

I also have some rather difficult memories associated with Hannah and American Idol. I remember watching the show together in the hospital, just a few days after her brain surgery. It was hard for her to watch, because the surgery had left her unable to look up with her eyes without moving her head, and of course, the TV was mounted up high on the wall. After we returned home, we watched that season together with particular interest in David Cook, whose brother was also battling brain cancer. I remember cringing as they talked about how seriously ill he was, wondering what was going through her mind as she listened. We watched the David vs. David finale that year, and Hannah cheered as David Cook was declared the winner.

Hannah was a huge fan of Carrie Underwood, and when I heard she was coming to Little Rock in May, I immediately went on line and bought three tickets for the concert (Brad never has gotten into the whole American Idol thing). The concert was scheduled for just after Hannah's radiation was completed, and we thought it would be a fun way to celebrate getting that part of treatment behind us. But just a few days before the concert, Hannah really began to feel bad...very weak and extremely tired. The day of the concert came, and she could hardly even get out of the recliner. So, we did not go...Bethany and I just couldn't go without her. We found out on the following Monday that Hannah's blood counts were extremely low and she needed blood and platelet transfusions. That was the first time we had experienced this...up until that time, her blood counts had all been fine, so we didn't recognize the symptoms of severe anemia. That was the first of over 100 blood product transfusions.

Last January, when American Idol began, Hannah was excited about it, as always. Our least favorite part of the show is the auditions, but we still watched them and got a kick out of all the people who thought they could sing, but couldn't. But it was about this time last year that Hannah first began to show signs of slipping cognitively. After the first couple of shows, Hannah had difficulty remembering who she had seen the week before, and although she knew there was someone from Arkansas who had done well in the auditions, she kept getting confused about who it was. By the time they got to the Hollywood rounds, she still wanted to watch the show, but she could not follow it at all, and did not know who Kris Allen was. And I believe she knew, deep down, that she would not see the finale.

On the Sunday before Hannah went to Heaven on Thursday, she received a phone call in her hospice room from her all-time American Idol favorite, Jordin Sparks. Although Hannah was unable to talk back to her, Jordin spoke to her and to all of us on speakerphone, and even sang "No Air" to her. Jordin was incredibly gracious and kind, and so upbeat and bubbly, although I'm sure it was a difficult thing for her to do--she was not much older than Hannah herself. It was a bittersweet moment...something Hannah would have been so excited about...but I'm not even sure if she really knew who was talking to her. After her death, we watched the rest of the season rather half-heartedly until Kris Allen from Arkansas became one of the finalists. We got behind him and helped vote him to victory. Brad even joined in on the voting! Hannah would have enjoyed seeing the Arkansas boy win.

If you're not an American Idol fan, and you've managed to read this far into this post, I'm surprised you've stuck with it. I'm sure you have no idea (and probably very little interest) who any of these people even are. And I guess that's my point. As big a deal as American Idol has been in our household over the past eight years or so, it's so irrelevant in the big picture, as is most of what we spend our time and energy doing. Only what is done for the Kingdom of God is of eternal value. Fame is fleeting, fortune is quickly wasted, and health is easily lost, but God's Word will stand forever. Let's spend our time and energy on things of significance.

Will we watch American Idol this year? Probably. We DVR'd tonight's episode, but haven't watched it yet. There have been some changes in the show's direction that don't really excite me. It's certainly not the same watching it without Hannah. And I'm a different person than I was when I first started watching it with her. Older, wiser, sadder...but better because of what the Lord has taught me through my own daughter. He continues to teach, and I pray that I will continue to learn. I am determined that I will not waste Hannah's storm.

More Thank Yous

In my last post, I shared a little bit about Hannah's former youth director, and the impact he and his wife had on her life. I would be remiss if I did not mention the many, many others who played a part in her spiritual growth over the years. I won't even attempt to mention them all by name, because I would almost certainly leave somebody out...but as I sit here tonight, I can see the faces of all the nursery workers, AWANA leaders, children's choir helpers, Sunday School teachers, and youth leaders who taught Hannah over the years. Many of you read this blog...you know who you are! How thankful I am for each of you! When faced with such an enormous crisis in her young life, Hannah remembered all those Bible stories you shared, the songs she sang, and those verses you taught her. Her faith is what carried her through, and you were a huge part of that.

Maybe you didn't teach Hannah, but you are a nursery worker, Sunday School teacher, AWANA leader, children's choir helper, or youth leader at your church. I know that sometimes it can feel like a thankless job, but believe me, you are making a difference in those kids' lives. Thank you for allowing God to use you. You may never know...actually, you probably won't ever know...how what you're teaching today will affect them tomorrow.

We have a busy week ahead...Bethany will be playing in a basketball tournament. Their team has only lost one game this season, and that was by two points in overtime. They have been a lot of fun to watch, which is good, because we've been watching them a lot! Bethany is truly a blessing in our lives, and we are so thankful for her!

Getting Back Into a Routine

Well, at least Brad and Bethany are getting back into a routine. I just work four days a week, Tuesday through Friday, so I have one more glorious day at home by myself before I start back. For a little while this morning, it looked like they might be coming home early...there was a dusting of snow on the ground when we got up, and as I was driving Bethany to school, snow began falling again. It continued to snow heavily (beautiful, giant flakes) for a couple of hours, and I was beginning to wonder if I would be getting a call from the school, when it finally thinned out and stopped. As I watched the snow fall, I was reminded of the evening of Hannah's visitation. It was February 28th, and just as the visitation was beginning on that cold evening. a light snow began to fall...unusual for Arkansas. Several precious people whispered to me that evening that Hannah must have sent the snow from Heaven just for us. And I had to smile to myself, because unlike most kids, Hannah hated snow. Oh, she liked it when she was little...we have great memories of sledding (or trying to sled) on our neighborhood streets in El Dorado, making snow angels, having snowball fights, etc. And she liked getting out of school because of snow. But, as she'd gotten older, she liked snow less and less. She just really didn't like cold weather, especially after she got sick. But she would have appreciated the beauty of the snowfall this morning, and I wished she was here with me to watch it.

Yesterday in church we had some special guests. Mike Beck was Hannah's youth director when we first came to Hot Springs Baptist Church about 4 1/2 years ago, and Jennifer, his wife, was Hannah's Sunday School teacher. Mike was Hannah's youth leader when she attended the Disciple Now event where she prayed for a storm. He is very talented musically, and would often lead the youth in worship. Anything he sang became one of Hannah's favorite songs, including the one I shared in my previous posting. Just a few months before Hannah was diagnosed, God called them to the mission field in Portugal, where they are still serving today. It was wonderful to see them yesterday. As they shared their struggles and frustrations in trying to reach a very secular society for Christ (Mike became emotional as he shared that only one person had accepted the Lord as his Savior in the past two yeas), I couldn't help but think about how much of a difference they had made in the life of one teenage girl in Arkansas. Clearly, some of the things she learned under Mike & Jennifer's teaching helped her get through an incredibly difficult experience. We are so thankful for the influence they had on Hannah's life, and know that God has great plans for their ministry in Portugal. Seeds are being planted and watered for the kingdom of God. You can read more about them at http://www.becksinportugal.com/.

New Year's Eve Reflections

As 2009 draws to a close, I feel a sense of relief that this year is over. It's been such a difficult year. Every New Year's Eve since we've known each other (24 years), Brad and I have had a discussion entitled, "I Wonder What Next Year Holds", always full of joyful anticipation of upcoming events. Last New Year's Eve that discussion was much more sober and subdued...without a miraculous intervention from God, it was becoming clearer every day that our daughter would go to Heaven in 2009. And she did, and now we have reached another New Year's Eve.

We made it through Christmas remarkably well, due to the prayers of so many faithful friends and family members. We enjoyed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home, just the three of us, and it was a precious time. Bethany was thrilled with all of her presents, especially her iPod Touch. I cooked a nice dinner for us, and then that evening we went to see The Blind Side (which I highly recommend)! It wasn't until we were on our way home from the movie that the pent-up emotions of the day hit all three of us. We finally made it home and had a message on our answering machine...a very sweet little voice saying "Mewwy Twismas...This is Julia...I love you!" It was our little niece who lives in Indonesia. We were sorry to have missed their call, but that precious message helped lift us out of a low spot.

The day after Christmas we headed to Brad's parents' home in Van Buren, where we celebrated Christmas with all of his family. The event was somewhat overshadowed by the fact that his mom fell and broke her arm that morning. I know she was in pain that evening, but she sat with her arm in a sling and propped up with pillows and watched all of her granddaughters (there are no grandsons!) open their presents. We left out some of the family traditions this year...as the oldest, Hannah always directed her cousins in a presentation of a nativity play, and she was usually "three French hens" in the family rendition of "The Twelve Days of Christmas". It was just too painful to go there this year. They did have a beautiful snowfall in Van Buren on Christmas Eve, so the cousins got to play in the snow, which was a special treat.

The next day we headed to my parents' house in Mountain Home to celebrate Christmas with them and my older brother's family. My nephew was on a church youth retreat, so we did not actually open presents until Tuesday night when he got back home. In the meantime, we enjoyed lots of good family time. My mom and I participated in our favorite Christmas tradition...shopping! We spent the day Monday in Springfield, Missouri, where we found some great after-Christmas bargains, and basically just enjoyed being together. My dad, Brad, and Bethany enjoyed their favorite Christmas tradition--hunting--and Bethany killed a doe. We will have plenty of deer meat in our freezer this winter! Of course, we missed Hannah while we were there, as well as my younger brother, sister-in-law, and two nieces in Indonesia. It seemed like a very small gathering this year, but we enjoyed our time together.

Yesterday, we came home, only to turn around and drive back to Little Rock last night for the Arkansas Razorback/Baylor Bears basketball game. Brad's sister works for the Baylor University athletic department, and she got us fixed up with second row seats, just behind the Baylor bench. If you happened to watch the game on ESPN2, you saw us. You may not have realized it, but you saw us. Out of consideration for the Baylor player's families with whom we were sitting, we did not wear our Razorback red or participate in calling the Hogs...which felt a little strange! By the end of the game, there wasn't much for a Razorback fan to cheer about anyway. Of course, I didn't think to bring a camera, so I don't have any pictures to post, but we had a great time!

And that brings us back to tonight...New Year's Eve. As I " Wonder What Next Year Holds", I realize that I have no idea what next year holds. Next year is completely and totally out of my control. That is just one of the many things I have learned over the past 22 months. As a control freak, that is sometimes hard for me to accept...I like for everything to fit neatly into my plan. But life doesn't work that way, and I am thankful for a God who is in control. All I have to do is let Him be who He is.

I want to close tonight with the words of Hannah's favorite contemporary Christian song. Whenever she heard it on the radio as we drove back and forth to Little Rock for radiation treatments, platelet transfusions, and chemo infusions, she would say, "Turn it up!"

"You Never Let Go"

from the CD "Beautiful News" by Matt Redman

Even though I walk through the valley

Of the shadow of death

Your perfect love is casting out fear

And even when I'm caught in the middle

Of the storms of this life

I won't turn back; I know You are near

And I will fear no evil

For my God is with me

And if my God is with me

Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go

Lord, you never let go of me.

And I can see a light that is coming

For the heart that holds on

A glorious light beyond all compare

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

We'll live to know you here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming

For the heart that holds on

And there will be an end

To these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You

Still I will praise You

Oh no, You never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, You never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me.

Hannah truly lived the lyrics of this song...she faced her storm without fear, and He never did let go of her. It's a good reminder that we too can trust Him as we step into 2010.

Thoughts on Christmas Eve

Last year, I sent out this email on Christmas morning...

"It is early on Christmas morning, and I have a few things on my heart that I want to share with all of you who have been so faithful to pray for our family over the last several months. No one else is up yet....the girls no longer wake us up before dawn begging to open their presents...as teenagers, they would much rather sleep in, and open presents whenever they happen to wake up. We no longer have to stay up late on Christmas Eve putting toys together...the "toys" they want now are high-tech gadgets that they have to open up and figure out how to use themselves...we're of no help to them in that department. We have always lived a few hours away from both sets of the girls' grandparents, so we have rarely spent Christmas Day at home over the years...we're usually at one or the other grandparent's house, or traveling in between on Christmas Day. Circumstances did not allow us to travel this week (platelet infusions yesterday and tomorrow in Little Rock), so we will be spending all day at home, just the four of us. And while we are praying for Hannah's healing and trusting God that our family of four will spend many more Christmases together; we are fully aware that, in His sovereignty, this could be our last. And that is not only true for our family in our present circumstances, it is true for every family who is reading this email. We do not know what the future holds for any of us...so please, this year more than ever, enjoy the time with your family, treasure the memories you make, and be sure that you know the One whose birth we celebrate on this day."

As I wrote this email, I knew in my heart that, without a miraculous intervention from God, we were about to spend our last Christmas with Hannah. We were already beginning to see small signs that she was gradually leaving us, and less than two weeks after Christmas, she began to have some difficulty walking. Two months and one day after Christmas, God called her home.

We were given a unique gift last Christmas...the gift of awareness of our blessings. We were able to focus on our family time together, and truly appreciated every moment like never before. We took several pictures, but not too many, because Hannah really didn't like to be photographed after she lost her hair, and we tried to be sensitive to this. This is my favorite picture of her from last year...

She had just received those pretty boxes from her grandma...I plan to use them now to put some of her special things in one of these days when we go through her bedroom.

As I re-read that email from last Christmas, it brought to mind several families who have also lost children or other family members this past year. Many of them did not have the gift of time that we had with Hannah. Many of them had no idea that last Christmas would be the last one with their loved one, and my heart breaks for them.

We've received so many nice Christmas cards and encouraging notes from people this year. One of them contained a poem that helps to put all of this in perspective. If you are one of those hurting families, I hope this is a comfort to you, as it has been to us.

"My First Christmas in Heaven"

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
with tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music cannot compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, Love is a gift more precious than pure gold,
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love each other as the Father said to do,
For I cannot count the blessings or Love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

A Big Buck!

This past weekend, Brad and Bethany had the opportunity to go to Mississippi and go deer hunting with some family friends. They've been looking forward to it for weeks...Here's my beautiful girl getting ready to hunt down a big buck.

And here's the result of her efforts...

This is not her first buck (she killed a 9-point two years ago), but it is by far her biggest. She has already told me that it's going up on the living room wall, and Brad will be going to see a taxidermist this week. She called me right after she killed it...I was in Target, doing my version of "hunting"...and she was so excited. One of the first things she said, though, was "I sure wish Hannah was here." Nearly did me in, right there in the middle of Target.

Christmas shopping this year has been a rather surreal experience...It's so strange to be shopping for only one child instead of two. And it occurred to me this past weekend that this Christmas may actually be harder for Bethany than for any of us. She has never known Christmas without her sister...Hannah has always been a part of her life. I really can't imagine how she will feel opening presents all by herself...no one to share them with. I'm not sure that's even occurred to her yet, but it will. At her specific request, we will be spending Christmas Day at home, just the three of us, and we won't be getting together with our extended families until later in the week. I've heard from so many of you that you are praying for our family this Christmas (and we are feeling it, believe me!), and I would just like to ask that you please remember Bethany specifically. She's in a difficult spot...Brad and I have each other, and although we are always here for her, in many ways she is on her own. She's handled it well, but there are definitely times when she struggles.

This year, more than ever, we are grateful to God for His indescribable gift...His Son, who came as a baby to pay our debt on the cross. Because of Him, we know we will be reunited with Hannah someday. We will miss her smiling face beside our Christmas tree, but we know she will be celebrating with Jesus this year. And what could be sweeter than that?

Old Grandpa's Church

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite parts of Christmas was when my mom would get out "Old Grandpa's Church". "Old Grandpa" was my great grandpa, and we always called him that, I guess to differentiate him from our regular grandpa. It sounds kind of funny to me now, but it was normal to me then. I was probably about eight years old when he went to Heaven.

In 1965 (the year I was born), Old Grandpa used some wooden fruit boxes to make a special gift for our family...a beautiful little church.

He built the church out of these boxes, painted it white, covered it with clear glitter that looked like snow, and used sheets of red plastic to create stained glass windows. He put a music box in it that played "Silent Night" when you wound it up in the back. The top of the steeple could be lifted out, and it had a bell on it that we kids loved to shake (you can see the bell if you look carefully). The entire top could be lifted off, and inside, he furnished the church with pews, a pulpit, and an organ...all handmade. The front doors could open and close, and if you look carefully at this picture, you can see some of the pews.


The church in these pictures is actually not the one we had in my home growing up...it is an identical twin that he made for my aunt and uncle who now live in Colorado. My uncle recently refurbished this one, and added the sign with my Old Grandpa's name on it. My aunt put these pictures on Facebook, and I got such a kick out of seeing them...what great memories they brought back. It's funny...when I looked at these pictures, I could actually smell that old church.

The one I grew up with needs some refurbishing of its own...my brothers and I were pretty hard on it over the years. While visiting with my parents and my brother in Indonesia on Skype tonight, my mom mentioned that maybe my dad would try his hand at building a church like this. Hmmmmm...that would make a great Christmas present for his daughter next year!

Christmas Is Coming....

We leaped yet another hurdle in our journey last night. My husband is a high school principal, and every year we host a faculty/staff Christmas party in our home. For the last couple of years, we have co-hosted it with the junior high principal, and last year it was held at his house, because Hannah was so ill at the time. The party is simple...we eat, and then we play "Dirty Santa", which is a gift exchange where you are allowed to steal other people's gifts. Hannah loved these parties, even last year. She really enjoyed the opportunity to socialize with her teachers outside of school, and always got a kick out of seeing their silly side as they played Dirty Santa. She would look forward to it all year. We enjoyed the party last night, and had a good time as always, but her absence was apparent throughout the evening.

As Christmas approaches, many people have asked us how we are doing. I'm happy to say that we are doing remarkably well. Yes, we have some very sad moments, and times when we cry, but most of our conversations and memories make us smile. I've even wondered a couple times over the past week if there was something wrong...maybe we weren't facing reality or not grieving properly. But then, it suddenly hit me...it's God! So many of you are continuing to support us with your prayers, and some have even told me that you're specifically praying for our peace and comfort throughout this holiday season...so why should I be surprised that God is providing exactly that? I know we still have difficult days ahead, as Christmas actually arrives, along with all the family gatherings, but God has proven Himself faithful again and again, and I know He will be with us. One thing that I have learned in recent weeks is that I have to be willing to accept that peace and comfort, and not just let myself sink into despair. There is a choice involved.

Romans 12:12 tells us to "Be joyful in hope." Where does hope come from? Jesus! What a perfect verse for the Christmas season...as a matter of fact, I'm going to try to keep that verse at the forefront of my mind over the next couple of weeks as we work our way through this first Christmas without one of our girls. Thank you, Lord, for the hope of Heaven that is ours because of the gift of your Son!

Heroes All Around Us

In my last post, I talked about Hannah's heroism, but I failed to mention the heroes all around us. We have met so many heroes over the past 22 months. Some of them are still fighting their heroic battles against cancer, and some are now in Heaven with Hannah. Sometimes I can't believe how blind I was...blissfully unaware of the suffering around me.

We passed two milestones this weekend...one seemingly small, and the other a little bigger. The first one -- we built a fire in the fireplace. Hannah loved to have a fire burning. As soon as it started getting a little bit cold outside, she would start asking her dad to make a fire. We have a good, old-fashioned wood fireplace...no gas logs or gas starter...so, it's a bit of a job to make a fire. We would always try to put her off until it was at least cold enough to make it worth the trouble. Once we started making fires, Hannah would always sit on the hearth...at least until her back got too hot and she had to move. As Brad built the fire last night, we talked about how we could still see her sitting there...a good memory. We also remembered the first time she asked us to help her to the fireplace, saying she was afraid she might fall into it...a not so good memory. Eventually, it got to the point that in order for her to get up from the hearth, I would wrap my arms around her waist, she would wrap her arms around my neck, and we would stand up together. I would savor the feeling of her cheek against mine, and her downy soft hair just beginning to grow in...similar to when she was a baby. Who would have thought that the simple act of building a fire in the fireplace could evoke such vivid memories?

The other milestone was my birthday, which was today. As with every other "first", I was dreading this day. But, as with every other "first" (with maybe one exception), the anticipation was worse than the actual event. Brad and Bethany did so much to make the day special, and I received an overwhelming number of Facebook and text messages...all of which made what could have been a sad day into a day of blessing. Hannah loved birthdays, her own and everyone else's, and I was glad I was able to enjoy the day in her memory.

I know there are many, many people who still pray for us...Thank you for your faithfulness! Your prayers continue to carry us through day by day.

My Hero

I remember the exact moment my teenage daughter became my hero. She had already been through brain surgery, 33 radiation treatments, and several MRIs. She had begun an oral chemotherapy protocol where she took a dose of a drug called Temodar for five days out of each month. She had to swallow five large capsules (what I would call "horse pills") each night before bed. The next morning, she would usually wake up very sick, and then remain drained of energy all day. I would watch her take those pills, one at a time, and wonder how she could do it. How can you force yourself to swallow something that you know is going to make you so sick...and not just once, but five times...and for five days in a row? I distinctly remember watching her one evening, taking one pill after another, very matter-of-factly and without complaint, and thinking for the first time, "She is my hero." Taking those pills was really a small thing, in light of all she went through during the year of her illness, but to me it was heroic.

Last night, I looked back through some of the emails I was sending out last December. I was kind of surprised to be reminded that Hannah was going to school at this time last year. She had completed her radiation treatments at the end of October, and we were waiting for her blood counts to rise high enough to start chemotherapy. She was constantly battling morning nausea, but was determined to try to go to school...she didn't want to get too far behind. She had not attended school since September 26th, the day we found out that her cancer had returned. All those pills she had swallowed had not been effective...in fact, our oncologist said that the cancer "was laughing at the Temodar."

I remember dropping her off the first day she went back in December, and thinking how brave she was to walk into that building after being gone for so long, wearing a wig, face swollen from steroids, not knowing how people would react to her. That was another day when I was struck by her heroism. I wanted to walk in with her, holding her hand, like I did the first day of kindergarten. But what high school junior wants her mom to walk into school with her? And besides, I knew that her dad, the principal, was in there waiting for her. I remember driving away with a heavy heart, wondering if going to school really mattered...her prognosis did not give much hope for graduation.

But she was determined to go, and for the few days she attended in December, she did well. The first day she went back, her social studies class was reviewing for a test. She took the test the next day, and made a 100, never having studied the material. I've looked through some of the notes she took and work she did during those days, and it is heartbreaking to see her once beautiful handwriting appear so shaky and unsteady. She had always doodled in class, usually making elaborate designs and symmetrical patterns. She did some doodling during those days in class too, but it is messy and uneven. I wonder now...what did she really feel like at that time? How does it feel to know that you have tumors growing inside your brain and spinal cord? She really never talked much about what she was feeling, physically or emotionally. She was always very private...never one to share too much. As time passed and her motor skills deteriorated, gradually stealing her ability to walk, she told me one day, "I don't like being this way." That was it...that was her one complaint.

How did she do it? No one could do what she did in human strength alone. The only answer is her faith in God. She knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was His plan for her, and she accepted it without question. And that is why she is my hero.

Moving Forward...

I must confess that I've been in a bit of a funk lately. That, and our incredibly busy schedule, is one reason I haven't posted since right after Thanksgiving. I just haven't felt up to it...spiritually, I've been down in the dumps. I suppose the holiday season has contributed to that. If you read my last post, you know that Thanksgiving was difficult, which has only added to our apprehension about Christmas. Every year, we put up our Christmas tree and decorate the house on Thanksgiving weekend. We had no desire to do that this year...Bethany even said she did not want to have a Christmas tree at all this year, and that was fine with us.

Then, today, we went to a church in Searcy to share Hannah's story. I knew going into it that I was not in the right frame of mind, spiritually or emotionally. But, on the 90-minute drive there, God began to work through some of that, and by the time we arrived, I was ready. He allowed us to share His work in our lives through Hannah's story, and it was such a blessing. We have not shared in several weeks, so today was a great reminder of all He's brought us through in the last 21 months. I'm always amazed by the fact that even as people tell us they are blessed by our story, we receive a far greater blessing by telling it. By the time we left there, I had a new perspective and a revived spirit.

And, I guess I wasn't the only one, because on the way home, Bethany announced that she was ready to put up the Christmas tree. We had decided that, if we put up a tree this year, we would go out and get a real one...just to do something different than we had done in previous years. So, when we got home, we hooked the trailer up to the Blazer, and headed out to Lowe's. Bethany wanted a BIG tree, so that's what we got. We also bought a few new things for the tree...a star for the top, some pretty ribbon, and a special ornament in honor of Hannah. We brought it all into the house, set the tree up in the stand (dropping needles everywhere in the process!) and got out our ornaments. Now, we've never had a "theme" for our tree, or matching ornaments, or anything like that...our tree is filled with snowflakes the girls made in elementary school, construction paper wreaths with their pictures in the middle, candy canes made of red and white beads, etc. We have also gotten the girls an ornament every year, usually related to their interests or activites that year. So you can imagine the memories that went along with each item as it came out of the box. And you can imagine the emotions that were evoked.

Here's the special ornament Bethany and I chose to honor Hannah this year (Hannah's middle name is Joy, and she brought us so much joy!)

There is one other very special ornament that was given to us by some dear family friends at Hannah's visitation back in February. I got it out last...and we decided not to hang it on the tree. It came with a display hanger, so we placed it on our fireplace mantel, beside our favorite picture of Hannah.

Here it is up close...It pretty much says it all....

Our First Holiday

We spent Thanksgiving eve and Thanksgiving Day with Brad's parents and his brothers and sister at the "deer camp" in Briggsville. We knew going into it that this would probably be a difficult time...our first major holiday without Hannah. I'm not sure that I was prepared personally for how difficult it actually was. We've become pretty accustomed to life at home as a family of three...caught up in the busy-ness and routine of school, work, basketball, cheerleading, etc. As we stopped to celebrate Thanksgiving, however, especially as an extended family group, Hannah's absence was glaring. If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know that the "deer camp" was one of Hannah's favorite places to be. I put "deer camp" in quotes, because it's probably not exactly the rustic, primitive place you may be picturing in your mind.

This deer camp actually consists on several hundred acres, which have been in the Sullivan/Castleberry families for many, many years. Originally, the camp consisted of a mobile home, which sits on the site of the Sullivan family homestead. The firepit outside the trailer is actually ringed by stones which at one time formed the mantel for the family fireplace. Recently, Brad's parents bought his great aunt's 4-bedroom house, which is not much more than a stone's throw from the trailer, as the crow flies. So now, the deer camp is actually made up of the mansion on the hilltop (the house) and the chateau on the lake (the trailer sits on a pond). Well, it's not exactly that fancy, but that's what we jokingly call them. It's actually very comfortable and homey...not just a hang-out for hunters.

As I said, Hannah loved spending time there with her sister, her grandparents, all of her aunts and uncles, and most of all...her cousins. The house was acquired after she became ill, so she spent most of her time at the trailer (when she wasn't hunting or riding 4-wheelers around the fields). The six cousins (all girls!) had their own room at the trailer, and their grandma gave them permission to put some grafitti on one of the walls.

If you look carefully under the words "COUSINS -4- LIFE" you can see a list of all the cousins, in order of age...Hannah, Bethany, Emily, Hayley, Allison, Caitlin, and Faith. I know, if you count that up, it's actually seven girls...Faith is only 11 months old, so she has never had the chance to spend the night in that room with her cousins...it won't be long, though!

Here's some of Hannah's grafitti....

While we were there this past week, the cousins found this notebook page in a pile of stuff in that room....What a treasure! It is now prominently displayed on the "Cousins' Wall".

Hannah's family loves her too...and we sure missed her this week! It was very difficult for me to be at the deer camp, where memories of her are everywhere. Like I said earlier, we've become accustomed to the memories we encounter every day within our usual routines...it's a little more difficult when we're out of our normal setting.

Someone who began walking the same road I am on ten years ago sent me an email last week that said, "God chose you to love Hannah and to teach her to love Him. Sounds as if you completed that job." That was a unique perspective for me...I'm still rolling that thought around in my mind. I do believe that Hannah completed her job here on earth...but I had never really thought about how I had completed my job with her. I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to do that job as her mom...and I'm thankful that Hannah was able to express her thanksgiving directly to her Father Himself this year. What an awesome thought!

Thanksgiving

This morning I looked back at the emails I sent around Thanksgiving 2008, just to refresh my memory about where we were at this time last year. Hannah had completed her second round of radiation treatments about a month previously, and we were still waiting for her bone marrow to rebound enough to start her new chemotherapy treatment. Her blood counts were still extremely low, and she was getting weekly blood transfusions, and almost daily platelet infusions. The chemo treatments were our last hope, medically speaking, for Hannah's survival. Hannah was feeling pretty good at Thanksgiving time last year...the "ground-up glass" feeling in her throat from the radiation treatments had diminished, and her sense of taste was just beginning to return, so she really enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner. It was an excruciatingly difficult time for us, though, as we were seeing daily indications that without a miraculous intervention from God, she was leaving us, little by little.

This year, I find myself with many things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful, godly husband, and my beautiful, healthy daughter. I am thankful for our extended family, and the many friends who have loved us and prayed us through the difficult months of the recent past. I am thankful for the 17 1/2 years we had with our precious daughter, Hannah, who has been a resident of Heaven nine months tomorrow. And most of all, I am thankful for Jesus's sacrifice, so that we will all be reunited in Heaven some day.

I am not a big fan of forwarded emails, often just deleting them without reading them. But, when I received this one a few months ago, I was struck by the truth it contained and I decided to save it and pass it on at the appropriate time. As I consider my blessings this Thanksgiving, I want to try to be thankful for my thorns.

"Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes when she pulled open the florist shop door, against a November gust of wind. Her life had been as sweet as a spring breeze and then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a "minor" automobile accident stole her joy. This was Thanksgiving week and the time she should have delivered their infant son. She grieved over their loss.

Troubles had multiplied. Her husband's company "threatened" to transfer his job to a new location. Her sister had called to say that she could not come for her long awaited holiday visit. What's worse, Sandra's friend suggested that Sandra's grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra with a shudder.

"Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life, but took her child's?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" Sandra was startled by the approach of the shop clerk. "I . . . I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "...For Thanksgiving. I'm convinced that flowers tell stories, "she continued.

"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?" the shop clerk asked.

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the bell on the door rang, and the clerk greeted the new customer, "Hi, Barbara, let me get your order." She excused herself and walked back to a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and what appeared to be long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

"Do you want these in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched...was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said, as she gently tapped her chest and left.

Sandra stammered, "Ummm, that lady just left with . .. . uh . . .she left with no flowers!" "That's right," said the clerk. "I cut off the flowers. That's the 'Special'. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet. Barbara came into the shop three years ago, feeling much as you do today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had just lost her father to cancer; the family business was failing; her son had gotten into drugs; and she was facing major surgery. That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk. "For the first time in my life, I had to spend the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too much debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and I never questioned Him why those good things happened to me, but when the bad stuff hit, I cried out, 'Why? Why me?!' It took time for me to learn that the dark times are important to our faith! I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of my life, but it took the thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort! You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath, as she thought about what her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is that I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" the clerk greeted the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement . . twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil, as the clerk handed him a tissue wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind telling me why she wants a bouquet that looks like that?"

"Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced," Phil replied."After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we trudged through problem after problem. The Lord rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she had learned from "thorny" times. That was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra,"I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life,"Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too . . . fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that the thorns make the roses more precious. We treasure God'sprovidential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember that it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on her resentment.. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute." As the clerk presented the bouquet of thorns, Sandra said, "Thank you. What do I owe you?" The clerk replied, "Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for the roses; thank Him for the thorns.

~Anonymous

The Need for a Savior

There's a danger, when someone dies before we feel they should, to view that person through rose-colored glasses. Reading this blog, with all the stories about and tributes to Hannah, might lead you to the incorrect conclusion that she was perfect. Hannah was a joy to raise, and while she never got involved in some of the destructive things teenagers do, she was far from perfect.

Let's see...There was the time that I had her and Bethany cleaning the bathroom together (they were probably about 8 and 5), and I heard a blood-curdling scream. I raced into the bathroom to find that Hannah had sprayed Bethany directly in the eyes with Windex. They had had a little tiff, and Hannah thought she would solve it by giving her sister a squirt in the face. I picked Bethany up, stuck her head under the faucet, and rinsed out her eyes with water while she screamed her lungs out. I don't know if Windex can blind somebody or not (apparently not!) but I made sure Hannah understood that she could have done permanent damage to her sister. Hannah's defense was, "I didn't know it was gonna hurt her!"

As they grew older, their arguments grew less physical and more verbal. They really didn't fight much...just picked at each other sometimes. Usually, it would start as a joke, and then escalate to the point where someone got their feelings hurt -- usually Bethany!

Hannah was a perfectionist. I clearly remember trying to teach her how to write a lowercase "a" when she was about four years old. She wanted to be able to print her name, and she had the H's and the N's down, but she just couldn't get the A's. She was quickly becoming frustrated, and after one of her attempts, I said reassuringly, "That one's fine...it doesn't have to be perfect." She looked at me sharply, and through clenched teeth, she snarled, "But I WANT it to be perfect." She remained that way throughout her school years. She was extremely competitive and couldn't stand for anyone to make a higher grade than she did. These perfectionist tendencies sometimes even affected her relationships with her peers. She was determined to be the valedictorian of her class, and was not about to let anyone get in her way!

In the previous post, I mentioned that Hannah had been caught cheating. Yes, she was, and it happened more than once. The first was on a homework assignment, when several girls worked together on something that they were supposed to do individually. Another time, she allowed a friend to look off her paper during a test. Both times, when confronted by the teacher, she readily admitted her involvement, and served time in detention. She took a lot of good-natured teasing from fellow students...after all, she was the principal's daughter...the principal's daughter is not supposed to cheat!!

No, Hannah did not ever commit what some might consider to be "serious sins". And if there was ever someone who you might think could have earned her way to Heaven by being a good person, or by enduring suffering, it was Hannah. But she was born with a sin nature, as we all are, and she needed a Savior. The Bible tells us that "All have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23). Thankfully, there is a remedy for that...in Romans 6:23, we are told that "the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

It seems like I've known Romans 6:23 all my life...memorized it in Sunday School when I was a little girl...spouted it off mindlessly in church...but, until my daughter's death hit me square in the face, I had never really considered its meaning. The disease and death that we experience here on earth is a direct result of living in a world that is controlled and corrupted by sin. Romans 5:12 says that "...just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, in this way death came to all men, because all sinned." From the time of Adam, mankind has been mired in sin, sorrow, and death. "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)." If we could somehow save ourselves just by being "good enough", why would God have sent His own Son to die for us? Here's the good news...Romans 10:9-10, 13 says "If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved...Everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved." Hannah could never have been "good enough" on her own to make it to Heaven. She is there today because she called upon His name, confessed her sin, and asked Him to be her Savior when she was eight years old.

As we approach the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons, I must admit that there is dread in my heart as I think of facing these days without our precious Hannah. But, with God's help, I am seeking to be consciously, purposefully grateful for the assurance of her eternal life through Jesus Christ her Lord. II Corinthians 4:18 --"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Hannah's Peers

I've been sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks for the past thirty minutes or so. I'm all alone in the house tonight -- Brad and Bethany are gone to "deer camp" for the weekend, and I've been spending a lovely evening at home by myself. I'm serious...I love evenings at home by myself. I love being able to eat whatever I want, watch whatever I want on TV, and go to bed whenever I want. Or eat and watch TV in bed...what could be sweeter? I wouldn't want it this way all the time, but I do enjoy having time by myself on occasion...and, of course, I have Lacee, our Westie, to keep me company.

Well, tonight, I decided to watch a couple of DVDs that were given to us last spring, shortly after Hannah went to Heaven. One was made by Hannah's AP English classmates, and the other was a slide show made by her Spanish teacher. When they were given to us, I was grateful to receive them, but I just didn't feel emotionally ready to watch them. I put them away with the DVDs of Hannah's celebration service and burial, and didn't run across them again until earlier this week, when I was digging for a DVD on which to record a TV show for my brother in Indonesia. I decided that I was ready, and that I would watch them this weekend, while I was home alone (Brad watched them back when they were first given to us).

Wow...what an emotional experience! I watched the one from her English class first, and it completely blew me away. It was filmed outside, at different spots around campus, and in it, Hannah's classmates took turns telling what she meant to them, and what an impact her story had made on their lives. It ended with her four best friends sitting on a big rock and sharing stories of things they had done together...getting caught cheating (I'll have to explain that one a little more at some point!), eating lunch together every day, going to Magic Springs, etc., and how their lives had been impacted by hers. It was amazing to see these teenagers sharing from their hearts so openly. Hannah's English teacher closed out the video by telling about the difference Hannah had made in her life. I was completely overwhelmed.

Then I watched the second DVD. It was full of pictures of Hannah that I had never seen before. You know, I don't think I ever fully realized how really beautiful she was. And in every picture, there was her trademark smile. Then there were pictures of a ceremony that was held on the school campus on March 6, 2009, about two weeks after her death. We were unable to attend, so it was wonderful to see pictures of it. A tree was planted on campus in Hannah's memory, and the students, one at a time, sprinkled rose petals around the base of it. I can't even describe how it feels to look at those pictures.

It's really been eye-opening for me to see Hannah through the eyes of her peers. I can only see her through a mother's eyes, so it's been very interesting and enlightening for me to get a glimpse of her life from another perspective.

I want to share another college entrance essay with you this evening. This one was written by Hannah's dear friend, Tyler, who sent it to me this week and gave me permission to share it here. She titled it, "Dulled Edges".

"Death and the subsequent act of grieving are a package deal that visits all of us at some point in our lives. While the long term effects of some losses may not be immediately viewable through the overwhelming cloud of sorrow, they are always waiting. As hard as it is to believe, death has the power to bring clarity to some situations. Eight months after losing one of my best friends to brain cancer, the cloud has cleared enough for me to see the effects. My friend’s mother sent out regular e-mails both before and after Hannah’s death, and she shared a saying with us that I have now found to be true: “The hole will always be there, but the edges will become less sharp.”

Hannah Joy Sullivan’s middle name was the most fitting middle name I have ever heard. She was, in essence, the physical embodiment of the emotion. When we were children, she could be counted on to have a smile stretched across her face every single day and to be always able to point out the silver lining in any type of cloud. Her family moved when she was 12 years old, but true friendship is not deterred by distance. I, along with two other close friends, kept in touch with her via phone, e-mail, and the now antiquated AOL instant messaging. Hannah was always the friend I chose to accompany my family on our annual trip to Hot Springs, always the friend that I went to concerts with, always the friend that I stayed on the phone for hours with talking about American Idol and other current fads in our respective schools. She was actually the one who got me interested in the juggernaut that is American Idol because when I called her on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, she would actually make me hang up and wait for her to call me back when the show ended! Obviously I had to start watching whatever show was keeping her so entranced, and that kick started an entirely new interest for us to share. Hannah and I attended many post American Idol concerts when they toured, and the memories we made on those trips have become priceless.

In February of 2008, after weeks of nausea and double vision, Hannah went to the doctor and was referred to the most terrifying specialist of all – an oncologist. He delivered some of the most dreaded news possible: Hannah had a Type 4 Glioblastoma tumor in the middle of her brain stem. The diagnosis depicted a particularly vicious type of cancer, one that had a dismal 5% survival rate. I remember everything about the night when one of the two friends who also kept up with Hannah called me with the news. I was at choir rehearsal, and although I never answer my phone during practice, I did for some reason that night. I went into the art room and sat on a stool as I listened to the three words that changed my life forever: “Hannah has cancer.” I remember feeling numb for the rest of that night and the following days. I had no idea what to do with myself, and though I wanted to help or to go visit her immediately, there was nothing I could do. The tumor was successfully removed five days after it was found. I watched Hannah put on a brave face when no one else could and go through her intensive treatments with that trademark smile upon her face. For a while she was doing extraordinarily well; the medicine seemed to be working and the cancer seemed to have given up the fight for a blissful couple of months.

The very end of 2008 brought more bad news though as her cancer returned in full strength with an army of tumors to replace the original one on her brain stem. Worse yet, even more were found along her spinal cord. The news was devastating. I watched her go through changes that no 17-year-old should have to: losing her thick, beautiful hair, losing her balance, losing her eyesight. My friends and I went to visit her in January of 2009, and about an hour into our visit, she took off her wig. Her mom later told us she never went without her wig in front of company, and it was a sign we had made her feel comfortable enough to show us the prized asset that the cancer had taken. In spite of the great number of physical characteristics that the disease had ravaged, Hannah was still our Hannah. She joked and laughed and, of course, smiled.

The last time I saw Hannah was five days before her death. She had been moved to a hospice house by this point, and I was in the city for the weekend. For this visit, however, I was not accompanied by my two friends, making it infinitely harder. I entered her quiet room, and rubbed her hand while I tried to say everything I thought was absolutely necessary. I am sure now that none of it was, but how does one prioritize things that need to be said, knowing that this is the last chance? I believe that Hannah knew it was me, although I cannot be absolutely sure. She hardly talked, and the lack of her smile broke my already cracked heart. Her energy was low, so I whispered that I loved her and left her to rest. Seeing her one last time brought the closure I needed, even if it could not soften the pain of her death.

The months following her death in February were a blur. Nothing I did felt like it had meaning, and at times I felt utterly helpless. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and I began to feel happy more and more often. I knew this was what Hannah would have wanted, but experiencing happiness too soon after a death feels wrong, and it took me a long time to get re-accustomed to the feeling.

I have come to realize that Hannah’s death has subconsciously made me more appreciative of the little things in life. I make an effort to never take relationships that are dear to me for granted, and I find that forgiveness is not nearly as hard to give. I would love to be able to say that I never hold grudges anymore, or that I do not take petty things too seriously, but I would be lying. I still make mistakes, and I still take life for granted sometimes. However, I notice these things and make changes faster and more often. I would like to believe that I have learned more about the fragility of life.

A teenager in the prime of life with everything going for her, Hannah was the most unlikely candidate for brain cancer. Because of her, I have realized the importance of every day of life I am given. Life is a gift, and it should not be taken for granted. It may seem unfair for such a young and thriving person to be taken away in such a cruel manner, but, thinking back, I found the silver lining – I know Hannah would have. Because the cancer took her from us relatively slowly, we had a year to value our time with her and, most importantly, to say goodbye to her. This turned out to be the greatest gift of all, as I simply cannot imagine having her taken away without so much as a warning. I am sure the time we were given to come to terms with the inevitable softened the blow more than I can even imagine.

Grief is a common and yet mystifying emotion. Despite the fact that everyone has experienced grief, it never seems to present itself the same way in any two people. For me, it made everything insignificant for a time and then ended up showing me what I was supposed to have learned from Hannah’s story. I miss my best friend every day, and I would trade the lessons I have been taught from her death for her presence any day. However, I know I cannot bring her back, and therefore I must make the most of what the situation has given me. The incredible power grief has over each of us proves that not all of the aftermath of loss is negative and that, given time, the edges of our holes can be dulled."

~A beautiful tribute....Thank you, Tyler.