A Scholarship Essay

Today I want to share with you an essay written by Chris Gage, one of Hannah's classmates. He is a senior this year, and he has granted me permission to share his college scholarship essay on my blog. The assignment was as follows: Consider an experience that has had a profound influence on any of your academic, creative, career, or service goals. Discuss how what you learned from that experience informs your future plans.

Here is what Chris wrote:

"The lessons that can be learned through the death of a friend are hard to find. The grief and shock of the death do not help in any way, but these life lessons are very important. These lessons can make something good come out of the friend's death, the silver lining of an extremely dark cloud.

Hannah Sullivan died in February of my junior year in high school. She was the person everybody liked. She was the person that people went to when they had any type of problem. If a person was having a hard time in class, Hannah would always help out. Hannah was the genius of the class and it was assumed that she was going to be valedictorian.

The summer before my sophomore year, Hannah went to a church camp and heard a sermon about the storms God gives to people to uplift Him. Hannah asked God to give her a storm; that storm was brain cancer. Hannah's storm brought the best out of her already amazing personality. She fought the brain cancer with grace, always with an unforgettable smile.

Hannah did use her storm to uplift God. She showed everybody what God could do. How his power can help any person in any way, and how God can reach any person in any way. God reached many of Hannah's classmates through Hannah.

Hannah always had faith in God. She knew God would always protect her. Her faith spread to other people. I was saved when I was seven, but Hannah's storm taught me that God would always be with me and help me with every challenge I face (writing this essay, for example). I know now that God will always protect me and never give me anything that I cannot handle. I will be able to handle all of the challenges life throws at me. All I have to do is give my all and trust that God will take care of me.

Hannah taught me to never give up and to always have faith in God. Hannah never gave up. She fought for a year. Seeing Hannah fight for as long as she did taught me to never quit. Hannah's goal was to bring as many people as possible closer to God. By bringing just one person closer to God, she accomplished her goal. I have many goals myself, and I know that if I never give up, no matter how the odds are stacked against me, I can accomplish my goals. This attitude has helped me get ready for college and this attitude will enable me to handle college.

Hannah's death affected thousands of people. She touched every person she met. The nurses that cared for Hannah said she always smiled, never complained, and was one of their best patients. That was how Hannah touched me before the cancer. She always smiled, always had an encouraging word, and never complained. Hannah's storm is how she touched everyone else and is how she taught those who already knew her a life lesson. I miss her, but am glad I found something good out of her passing. It destroys the dark cloud and turns the silver lining into gold."

I don't know who is on the scholarship board at the U of A, but if I were on it, Chris would definitely have my vote for a full scholarship! Thank you, Chris, for your kind words about Hannah and your willingness to share what you wrote...hearing stories like yours are a huge comfort to our family, and remind us what life (and death) are really all about.

A Homegoing

Please be in prayer for the family of Jamie Morris tonight. After battling osteosarcoma for the ninth time in his 21 years of life, he went home to be with the Lord this afternoon. When Hannah was in the middle of her battle, he often sent her emails of encouragement. He told his mom not long ago that even if he could, he would not change anything about his life...that cancer had made him into the man he was. He was a man of strong faith, and touched many lives along the way. Please remember his mom Susan, stepdad Charles, and wife Jennifer, as they face the difficult days ahead.

Hannah's First Birthday in Heaven

Eighteen years ago today, Brad and I excitedly welcomed our first baby, Hannah Joy...weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces, and measuring a whopping 22 inches long. We were thrilled beyond words to have been entrusted with such an amazing little life. Her middle name was well-suited for her, because she brought us nothing but joy for 17 1/2 years.

Today, we took a day to celebrate and remember her life. Bethany and I stayed home from work and school today, and Brad worked until 12:30. Even though it was pouring rain, we had decided to go visit Hannah's grave this afternoon (about a 3 hour round trip for us). Brad came home from work with a basket of pink rose petals from the senior class, along with a note signed by all of Hannah's classmates. How perfect was that? I had wanted to put something on Hannah's grave, but just couldn't bring myself to go out and buy some plastic flowers. Rose petals were just right for today...Bethany sprinkled them all over the grave and headstone.

Our nickname for Hannah was "My Joy"...for example, we might say "Hannah My Joy, it's time to get up" or "Hannah My Joy, you need to do your homework." So, when it came time to decide what to put on the headstone, that was the obvious choice. Along the bottom, it says "We will praise God in the storm because He is good all the time."

Hannah's Aunt Maria made this beautiful cross of fall flowers and placed it here a couple of weeks ago.
I do need to be honest and admit that I have a very strained relationship with Hannah's grave. I don't normally like to spend time there. There's something about seeing your child's name in granite that brings you back to cold, hard reality. And although I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Hannah herself is not there, and that it is just her earthly shell there below the ground, it is extraordinarily difficult for me to be that close to her body and not be able to be with her. Her body was just a vessel...I know that...but I loved that vessel. I cared for that physical body, when she was a newborn and unable to do anything for herself, and then again, as the cancer stole her ability to care for herself. I know that many people are comforted by spending time at the graveside of their loved ones, but I am not one of them. Having said that, though, it was the right place for us to be today. I think it was good for all of us.

We ended the day by going out for a nice dinner, then came home and watched a home video of Hannah's 14th birthday in 2005. That was the most recent video we had...our video camera quit shortly after that (we still had one of those great big ones that sit on your shoulder, much to the girls' chagrin when we used it in public!) and we had never replaced it. It was the first time we had heard her voice since February...and the last couple months of her life, the sound of her voice had changed due to the cancer. We also got to hear her laugh...another wonderful sound. I had made a Mississippi Mud Cake this morning (Hannah's favorite) and we ate that tonight while we watched the videos.

As much as we miss her, we know that this was God's plan for her life...and for ours. She was living with a physical body that was hopelessly flawed, as we all are. I have used this quote in a previous post, but I love it. At the end of C.S. Lewis's The Last Battle it says, "They were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." We often refer to our recent journey as "Hannah's story", but her real story began when she entered Heaven. We rest in the knowledge that today was the best birthday Hannah has ever had!

A Special Day

Tomorrow would have been Hannah's 18th birthday. Eighteen...that sounds so old! Hannah always looked forward to her birthdays (her favorite number was 22). In recent years, we always had a big family party for her birthday. She preferred getting together with her grandmas and grandpas and aunts, uncles, and cousins, to having a party with her friends.

Last year's birthday was a series of highs and lows. Less than a month before, we found out her cancer had returned and our oncologist had tearfully told us that she had less than a 5% chance of survival. She had started a new series of radiation treatments, and 4 days before her 17th birthday, she lost all of her hair. (The picture of us in the road was taken just a couple of days before that.) The bald patches had just started growing in following her first round of radiation. I shaved it off in the living room (she didn't want to do it in front of a mirror) and when I was finished, she went to look at herself and said, "I still look like me...I just don't have any hair!" She put on her wig, and went on with life.

Hannah received some wonderful gifts for her birthday last year...our extended family all got together and bought her a laptop computer (the same one I use to type these blog posts); the El Dorado High School Class of 1985 (Brad's graduating class...quite an amazing group of people) got together and gave her a TV for her bedroom, along with a DVD player, an iPod, and a pile of movies; and her high school classmates gave her a digital camera and digital frame. She also received dozens of cards, phone calls, and emails. God used so many different people to remind her of His love.

It's strange, but as I sit here tonight, I can't remember what Brad and I got her for her birthday last year. I'm just drawing a blank. The only thing I do remember is how strange it was to shop for her birthday under those circumstances, and wondering if this was going to be her last one. I also remember making a conscious decision to enjoy every moment of that day, in case we didn't have another one. I guess that's why I don't remember what we got her...it just wasn't important.

Tomorrow, we will make a conscious decision again...to take the day as a family to remember and celebrate the life of our precious daughter and sister. Please pray for us as we go through this first birthday without her.

Homecoming 2009

What a difference between Magnet Cove High School Homecoming 2008 and Homecoming 2009! Last year, we had just been informed that Hannah's cancer had returned, and she had begun her second round of radiation treatments. Our school has an afternoon ceremony/pep rally where the homecoming queen is crowned, and then a pre-game homecoming court presentation. Last year, I went to the afternoon event to watch Bethany cheer while Brad stayed home with Hannah. I remember watching the events in a tearful daze, seeing all of Hannah's friends participating and feeling so sad for her that she was not able to be a part of it. I will always be grateful for my friend, Cheryl, who sat beside me and effectively acted as my "bodyguard"...talking a blue streak the whole time, keeping me from sinking into my own thoughts, and fending off the well-meaning questioners who would have truly sent me over the emotional edge.

Fast forward to this past weekend. We found out on the first day of school that Bethany had been selected to be the freshman princess for homecoming this year. Our school has a senior high queen, a senior high princess, and a freshman princess. Bethany and I have had a wonderful time over the past few weeks shopping together for a dress and all the accessories. Friday morning we went and had her hair and make-up done, and here's the result of all this hard work:

Her Daddy, whose eyes filled with tears at his first sight of her in her dress, proudly escorted her.

The girls are allowed to have more than one escort, and she asked her two grandpas if they would like the honor. Of course, they did!

There were far fewer tears this year, even though our family picture only contains three members...

...we know that Hannah is enjoying her home in Heaven, and we look forward to a far greater Homecoming celebration with her in the future! And while we are waiting, we choose to celebrate the precious family moments He gives us here.

Fields of Faith

Tonight was the Fields of Faith event at Lakeside High School in Hot Springs. This event was sponsored by the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and underwritten by the Kamo's Kids Foundation. The Kamo's Kids Foundation was established in memory of Kameron Hale, a sixteen-year-old Lake Hamilton student who died following a 4-wheeler accident in January. We never had the opportunity to meet Kameron, but from all we've heard, he was an amazing Christian kid who was a friend to everybody. We met his parents a few weeks ago, and have begun a friendship with them. It's amazing how quickly you can form a bond with someone who has experienced the same kind of heartbreak you have.

The crowd began to build by about 6:30 this evening...and eventually grew to over 1,000 people.

Bethany was one of seven student speakers this evening, all chosen from different high schools around the area. Each of the students spoke for about five minutes on different topics, and all of them did a wonderful job. Bethany was very nervous...it is a frightening thing to speak about such a personal subject in front of your peers...but she did a great job.

After the students spoke, a former professional football player shared for a few minutes (his name escapes me at the moment), and an excellent drama team performed a very moving skit. The FCA director wrapped it all up by sharing Kameron's story, and referring back to the things Bethany had said about Hannah. An invitation to follow Christ was given, and we sat there on the astroturf next to Kameron's parents and grandparents, tears rolling down our cheeks, as literally hundreds of kids went forward.

What an amazing experience! We could just imagine Hannah and Kameron as part of a great cloud of witnesses in Heaven, smiling as they watched those kids turning their lives over to Christ. How humbling it is to know that the ripples of their lives are still being felt. In fact, a little boy from our church (about 10 or 11 years old) came up to me tonight tugged on my sleeve, and said, "I want to tell you something." I leaned over, and he said in my ear, "Mrs. Jill, you know your daughter who died? Her life had an impact on me." Hannah would be so pleased.

A Praise and a Prayer Request

First the praise...My brother is home! Well, he's not "home", as we think of "home", here in the United States, but he and his family have finally been able to return to their home in Indonesia. When they got back yesterday, they found that fires had burned up to the very edge of their town, even destroying some of the buildings on the outskirts. They're just so glad to be back in their own house (one they had only been in for a couple of months before they had to evacuate) and not having to share their living quarters with another family. Thank you for your prayers for them. I am grateful that they are comfortable enough in Indonesia to consider it "home".

Now the prayer request...Bethany has been asked to share her testimony tomorrow night at a Fellowship of Christian Athletes-sponsored event called "Fields of Faith". She has shared her story several times, but this will be by far her largest audience. The event will be held at a football stadium in Hot Springs, and there should be a big crowd there. There will be several speakers throughout the evening, so she will not be the only one, but she is understandably nervous about the event. Please pray that God will give her the words she needs to say, and that the students will hear what He wants them to hear. I will try to take some pictures and post them tomorrow night!

Through the Valley

"It is not for the flock of sheep to know the pasture the Shepherd has in mind. If they knew that His plans included a valley of deep shadows, they would panic. Keeping close to the One they've learned to trust is all that's necessary." ~Elisabeth Elliot

Elisabeth Elliot knows of which she speaks. Her first husband (of 3 years) was killed in 1956, speared to death while attempting to share Christ with the Auca Indians of Ecuador. She later returned to South America and was instrumental in leading her husband's murderers to the Lord. She remarried in 1968, and her second husband died of cancer four years later. She has written over twenty books, many of them about suffering and how God uses suffering in our lives.

I always used to wish I could see into the future. I'm a planner by nature, and I like to have everything scheduled out. I write everything in my calendar and look at it several times a day to make sure I'm on track. Suffering and grief don't follow a schedule, though, and that's taken some adjustment. The calendar is not always my friend these days. I recently emailed with a woman who lost her daughter, a junior in high school, ten years ago. Ten years sounds like an eternity right now. It's hard to imagine how all of this will feel ten years from now...in a way, it sounds great to be that distant from the heartache, yet at the same time, I can't imagine being that far separated from the last time I saw Hannah. But then, it will also be ten years closer to seeing her again...and that sounds good!

A wise pastor once said that God does not give us a roadmap of our lives, because if He did, our eyes would always be on the map, and not on Him. I don't know what the next ten years holds, or even the next ten hours. But that's okay...He knows.

Sorry, Mom!

Tomorrow, October 10th, marks a milestone...It is my parents' 50th wedding anniversary. My mom and dad have never liked a lot of attention, and told my brothers and me that they did NOT want any kind of party in recognition of this event. My mom also specifically said that they did NOT want their picture in the paper...especially a "then" and "now" set of pictures. She jokingly said that the people look so OLD in the "now" picture, and she sure didn't want people talking about how old they look now! Well, sorry, Mom...I said I wouldn't put any pictures in the newspaper...but I am going to put them on my blog! So...

...here's Tom Persenaire (then)...

...and Betty Kapteyn (then)...

...the happy couple on October 10, 1959...

...and the happy couple now!

I think they look great! This picture was taken on their recent trip to the Canadian Rockies, where they went to celebrate their anniversary. I took this picture from my mom's Facebook page (that's why it's so small...I tried to make it bigger and it just got blurry) and I figure if she uses it as her Facebook profile picture, it's okay to post it here! They had a great time on their trip to Canada, and my brothers and I are sending them to the Lodge at Mount Magazine for a couple of days, where they will engage in one of their favorite pastimes...fishing!

Their marriage has been a wonderful example for their children and grandchildren, and we are so proud of them. I know that I am blessed beyond measure to have a mom and dad who love the Lord and each other. Thank You, Lord, for Christian parents!

P.S. Some people have asked how to post a comment...just click on where it says "0 comments" or "1 comment" or "2 comments" (you get the idea!) and it will link to a place where you can leave a comment.

Comforters

Back in the spring of 1989, when we were newlyweds (married two years!), Brad and I planned a trip out west. We have family in Colorado, Oregon, and California, so we decided to make a big circle, stopping to see the Grand Tetons, the redwood forest, the Oregon coast, and the Grand Canyon. We also planned to visit all of our relatives along the way (free food and lodging!), and take in a San Francisco Giants baseball game. We bought tickets for the August 10th game against the Cincinnati Reds. We had a wonderful trip, camping in a tent in the Grand Tetons (we nearly froze to death!), marveling at the enormous trees, enjoying the gorgeous coastline, and being awestruck by the beauty of the Grand Canyon. We also had great visits with our family. But the highlight of the trip ended up being that baseball game.

A few days before the ballgame, it was announced that Dave Dravecky would be making his major league comeback on August 10th. Dave Dravecky was a very successful pitcher who had been sidelined by cancer in his pitching arm. He underwent surgery, a series of cancer treatments, and extensive rehab before making this very well-publicized comeback. We had seats right above the bull pen where we were able to watch all of the activity, and were amazed at the amount of press coverage that this game was generating. As a matter of fact, we were interviewed by a San Francisco TV reporter who was amazed that we had come all the way from Arkansas for this ball game...little did he know that we had bought our tickets six months before! Of course, as a huge baseball fan, Brad was loving every minute of this. The crowd went crazy as Pete Rose got thrown out of the game, and even crazier as Dave got the win. The really cool thing was that Dave Dravecky was an outspoken Christian, and he used this opportunity to very openly share his faith and give glory to God. We listened to all the post-game interviews on the radio as we sat in the parking lot stuck in traffic for what seemed like hours, and his testimony was just amazing. We headed home from our vacation a couple of days later, still talking about Dave Dravecky's story.

The next time Dave Dravecky pitched, his arm broke with a resounding crack that was heard all over the stadium. His cancer had returned, and his arm could not be saved. His arm and shoulder were eventually amputated. Years later, he wrote a couple of books about his experiences called, "Comeback" and "When You Can't Come Back." His wife, Jan, struggled with depression for years, and has also written some excellent books. Together, they have founded a ministry called "Outreach of Hope" (http://www.outreachofhope.org/) which is a designed to be a source of encouragement for those going through the cancer journey. It's a wonderful ministry, and they put out some great free literature as well.

Back when we were watching Dave Dravecky pitch and listening to his story of overcoming cancer, we didn't even have children, and we certainly never dreamed we would face the kind of situation we faced with Hannah. But his story, and his determination to give God the glory in his circumstances, made a huge impression on us...and I truly believe that our presence at the ballgame back on August 10, 1989, was divinely orchestrated. Isn't it amazing how God works in our lives, even when we're completely unaware?

Well, that was a much longer introduction than I meant to give...I was really just going to post a poem that I found in one of the Outreach of Hope publications. I found it last night as I was reading through some of their materials, and I thought some of you might be able to relate to it. I actually think it could apply to a variety of situations, not just a cancer diagnosis. I'll close with it:

Comforters

When I Was Diagnosed With Cancer:

My first friend came and expressed his shock by saying, "I can't

believe that you have cancer. I always thought

you were so active and healthy."

He left and I felt alienated and somehow very "different".

My second friend came and brought me information about

different treatments being used for cancer. She said

"Whatever you do, don't take chemotherapy. It's a poison!"

She left and I felt scared and confused.

My third friend came and tried to answer my "whys?"

with the statment "Perhaps God is disciplining

you for some sin in your life?"

He left and I felt guilty.

My fourth friend came and told me,

"If your faith is just great enough God will heal you."

She left and I felt my faith must be inadequate.

My fifth friend came and told me to remember that

"All things work together for good."

He left and I felt angry.

My sixth friend never came at all.

I felt sad and alone.

My seventh friend came and held my hand and said,

"I care, I'm here, I want to help you through this."

She left and I felt loved!

Linda Mae Richardson

"Victory in the Valley"

Report from Indonesia

I've had several people ask me how my family in Indonesia is doing, following the devastating earthquakes over there. Well, they are doing fine. They actually live quite far from where the affected area...similar to living in Arkansas and an earthquake happening in California. There is an MAF (Mission Aviation Fellowship) presence in that part of Indonesia, though, and they are involved in the relief efforts over there. Please pray for their safety and for opportunities to share their faith in the midst of all the death and destruction. I was able to visit with my brother on Skype tonight for awhile, and he and his family are still displaced due to the heavy smoke and drought conditions in central Borneo. They are having to live with other missionary families, and it's difficult to live in such unsettled conditions. He is having a lot of opportunities to fly, though, and that's great. Please continue to pray for replenishing, cleansing rains in that part of the country so they can return home.


These are my precious nieces, Julia and Katie. And yes, though they are exactly two years apart, they are nearly the same size! Julia is very petite, and Katie is...well...not. You may remember from a previous post, Julia is the one who always called Hannah "Arnie". My brother told me a story about her tonight that I thought was so cute. He said that she has begun pretending like she's flying a plane to "mecca". At first they were very confused (and probably a little concerned!), wondering why she wanted to go to there, but they finally realized she meant "America"! What a brilliant child!

Thought Life

One battle I feel that I've been constantly fighting since Hannah's death is with my thought life. When I'm busy and going through all the events of the day, it's really not an issue. But, when things get quiet and I'm alone in the house, or quite often when I'm driving somewhere by myself, my thoughts will wander back to the last couple months of Hannah's illness. Looking back on it, I've realized that I didn't really let myself think too much when we were going through it. I couldn't think too much and still get through the days...especially knowing that I always had to be strong and positive for Hannah. Especially during the times she was hospitalized, and we were together in a very small room 24 hours a day, I had to consciously make myself numb and "hard" in order to get through each day.

That's no longer necessary (although I became quite good at it and can still do it, such as when I'm in a group of moms who are talking about prom or senior pictures), and I now find myself thinking a lot. The problem is that my thoughts seem to always settle on the really bad memories of those final weeks...wondering what we might have done differently to make things easier for her, remembering those final few moments, and regretting the things we maybe should have talked about that we didn't. And, you know, for some reason I usually don't recognize this for what it is...an attack of Satan.

There's a verse I've heard all my life, but it's just recently taken on new meaning to me: "...Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things...practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8. The thoughts that I mentioned certainly don't fit this description. So, with God's help, I'm working to focus my thought life on the good memories...and there are many. I am so thankful for the almost 17 1/2 years we had with Hannah...one of the greatest blessings of my life!

Cousins!

Wow...I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. It's not for lack of desire...it's simply been a lack of time. We have literally not had an evening at home for the past two weeks. Tonight's been wonderful...an opportunity to get caught up on several things that have been left undone in recent days.

First, I wanted to post a couple of pictures that were taken over the weekend by my sister-in-law, Maria. On Saturday, all of the Sullivan cousins, including baby Faith, were at the "deer camp" in Briggsville, which is in rural Yell County. (Actually, I think all of Yell County is rural!) Maria, who is a great photographer, took the opportunity to get some family photos. Here's Bethany (top right) with all of her cousins...yes, they're all girls on this side of the family!

Hannah was the oldest of the cousins...she was fortunate enough to be the first grandchild on either side! As such, she definitely got some special treatment!

And another picture...here's Bethany in her "country girl" pose:
Hannah loved spending time at the deer camp with her cousins. So much so, that when we had to make a decision regarding where she would be buried, there was no question that it would be at Briggsville. There's a small cemetery there where Hannah's great grandparents are buried, as well as several other Sullivan family relatives. It's a beautiful place, and I will share more about it in an upcoming post.

Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry

The Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry support group had its first meeting tonight. What a wonderful group of people, and what a blessing it was to hear everyone's stories!

Up until the time Hannah was diagnosed with cancer, I had very little idea what life with cancer was like. I had always thought that when a person was diagnosed with cancer, they spent the next several months or years in bed, too weak and sick to do anything. I had no idea that most people with cancer still live full and active lives, in spite of chemo treatments, hair loss, radiation, bloodwork, etc.! Of course, as Hannah's journey unfolded, I leaned that firsthand. And as I looked around that room tonight, I saw people living life, and loving Jesus. What an amazing experience!

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." II Cor. 4:8-10

God's Infinite Wisdom

"God, in His infinite wisdom, created us with the ability to survive these heartaches."

This is my new favorite quote. And now, almost seven months after Hannah left us for Heaven, I'm beginning to understand the truth of it.

The first few days after Hannah's death are pretty much a blur to me. There are some isolated moments that stand out clearly in my mind, but not very many. It's funny...at the time, I felt that I was completely lucid, and things seemed very vivid in my mind...but when I look back at it now, it's very foggy. I do remember feeling very numb, and honestly not feeling a lot of pain. But after the visitation, after the funeral, after the burial, and after all the family left, it was time to get back to "normal life." And that's when the pain hit in earnest. This may be a strange word picture (okay, it IS a strange word picture), but as I walked through each day, every little reminder (and EVERYTHING was a reminder early on) felt like a plastic knife being shoved into my chest. By the time I got into bed each night, I felt like my chest was literally bristling with plastic knives. Why plastic knives? They are not too sharp...sharp enough to cause a lot of pain when they are thrust into your chest, but not sharp enough to kill you. If anything, the number of knives and the depth of their penetration increased over the next several months.

But, God is faithful, and He has created us to survive these kind of heartaches. Gradually, almost imperceptably, the number of knife wounds each day has begun to decrease. Don't get me wrong...there are times that are just as bad as those early days (the first few days of school this year come to mind), but overall, the pain of the heartache is easing. Those plastic knives are always nearby, and I still get shafted several times a day, but it's become more manageable. I have to be completely honest, and let you know that I am worried about some difficult days ahead...Hannah's birthday in October, Thanksgiving in November, and Christmas in December...I know that those days will bring fresh stab wounds. More opportunities to depend on God for strength. I recently saw a framed saying in someone's house (someone who has lost a child), "God is closest to those with broken hearts." I think that's my new second favorite quote! I never knew what a "broken heart" was...yet another thing I didn't understand in my very sheltered life...but I do now. Thank you, Lord, for your comfort.

Walking wounded we press on,

Our scars but badges of Your grace,

Our fragile frames Your dwelling place,

Our hearts renewed though strength be gone.

Jars of clay beneath a blow,

Broken to let Your glory show.

~Author Unknown

"What Ifs"

One of the constant battles I had to fight during Hannah's illness was a recurring chorus of "What Ifs". When we first found out she had a brain tumor, it was "What if the surgery causes brain damage?" or "What if they can't get it all?" Once she got through the surgery with no lasting complications and they "got it all", the "what ifs" changed to "What if the chemo makes her really sick?", "What if the radiation causes new health problems in the future?" or "What if her cancer comes back?" After the cancer returned, the "what ifs" multiplied exponentially...especially with the location of her new tumors on her brainstem and spinal cord..."What if she loses the ability to walk?", "What if she loses her vision?", "What if she starts having seizures?" or even "What if she doesn't survive?"

I reached the point where it seemed like I was spending all my time dwelling on the "What Ifs". And God had to gently remind me that this was not how I should be spending my time. Instead, I needed to give him the "What Ifs" and begin savoring every moment I had with Hannah. Not that it was easy...it was not easy at all...and it required a continual, conscious decision to put the "What Ifs" into His hands and live one day at a time. I had never really understood the concept of "one day at a time", and had certainly never lived it, until that point. As Hannah's health deteriorated, it became one hour at a time, and sometimes even one minute at a time. I really think it was that focus that made the last couple of months of Hannah's life not only survivable, but even, at times, enjoyable for us.

People often commented on our "strength" during Hannah's illness and death, but as I've said before, this is a misunderstanding of God's grace. What appeared to be strength was actually human weakness bolstered by total dependence on God. A couple of weeks ago, we had the privilege to share Hannah's story at a church in Mountain Home, and after the service we visited with a gentleman who had lost his wife to cancer after many years of marriage. Our visit was brief, because there were many others waiting to speak to us that night, and a few days later, he emailed us to share a little more of his story. He ended his email with this statement:

"God in His infinite wisdom created us with the ability to survive these heartaches."

What a simple, yet profound statement! And I am daily discovering that it is true. More on this thought tomorrow....

Go Panthers!

Last Friday night, we went to a Panther football game, and it was my first time to see the "HS" stickers on the players' helmets. (I was working in the concession stand during the first game and didn't get to watch it!) It was an "away" game, and the visitor's bleachers are right at the edge of the field. It's a small school and there is no track, so the football players and cheerleaders are right in front of the fans. We sat down on the third row of the bleachers, I looked up at the players, and it literally took my breath away when I saw the stickers. And then there were the cheerleaders, several of whom were Hannah's good friends, smiling and laughing and having a great time. I was nearly overcome with sadness that Hannah was not there with us. I sat there choking back tears for several minutes, trying to look and act appropriately for those sitting around me. And then I spotted a young man, a senior who is one of the managers for the football team, who shared with Brad last week that he has recently surrended to the ministry. He told Brad that Hannah's testimony was influential in God leading him to this decision. It's amazing how God provides encouragement like that just when it is needed most. That made it a little easier to swallow the sadness and enjoy the game. And the Panthers put on a good show...winning 48-0! Go Panthers!!

One Year Ago Today

A year ago today, Hannah, Bethany and I went to the American Idol concert in Oklahoma City. If you've followed Hannah's story, you know that she was a huge American Idol fan. She watched the show faithfully from the second season on (the Ruben/Clay year). She was one of those fans who would pick a favorite and vote for two solid hours every Tuesday night. From the third season on (the Fantasia/Diana year), we went to the American Idol concert every year. We would always go early in the afternoon and hang out around the venue trying to meet the singers (we jokingly called it "stalking")...and we were usually successful, getting lots of autographs and pictures every year. It was a fun thing that we always looked forward to doing together, and we would always order our tickets the first day they went on sale.

Last year's concert featured David Cook (the winner) and David Archuleta (the runner-up), along with the other top eight contestants. I didn't order the tickets right away (I believe they went on sale at the end of May), because I just wasn't sure how Hannah would be feeling. As the summer went on, though, she was doing well...she had completed her radiation treatments and was handling the oral chemotherapy with no real problems. She had had an MRI every two months since her surgery, and she had gotten an "all clear" every time. So, probably in July, I ordered tickets for the three of us girls (Brad never seemed to want to go with us...don't know why! (o; ) We were excited about the concert and were really looking forward to it. Hannah was a David Cook fan, and we had a special interest in him because his brother was battling brain cancer.

We spent that weekend with Brad's mom and dad, who live in Van Buren, so it would be a shorter drive to and from the concert in Oklahoma City. This was a blessing, because the weather was awful that weekend. The remnants of Hurricane Ike were blowing through Arkansas and Oklahoma, and we drove to Oklahoma City in heavy rain and strong winds. I remember that Hannah was somewhat tired when we left Van Buren that day, but that was not unusual, as the primary side effect of her chemo was fatigue. It was too rainy and yucky to do our usual "stalking" that afternoon, so we went out to eat instead. I noticed that Hannah actually seemed relieved that we would not be "stalking", even though she had been talking excitedly about it in the days leading up to the concert. We finally arrived at the concert, and showed our tickets to an arena worker, who directed us to the stairs. As we walked up the stairs, Hannah mentioned that she felt a little dizzy. This also was not really unusual...the radiation treatments had left her with a constant feeling of being "off balance"...her world was never completely level. We finally found our seats...in the very top row of the arena. And I mean the top row...the only thing behind us was the wall. We were definitely in what you would call the nosebleed section. As we sat waiting for the concert to start, Hannah again mentioned that she was dizzy, and we attributed it to the dizzying height at which we were sitting. She was very quiet during the concert...not singing along and yelling for her favorites like she usually did...and right about the time David Cook came out (the winner is usually saved for last at these concerts), she asked if we could leave. We immediately got up and left...and what a long ride back to Van Buren that was. We still had the incredibly heavy rain and the tropical storm force winds, and now it was pitch dark. But that's not really what made the trip so long.

As I drove through that stormy weather, a storm was building inside of me. That night, for the first time, I began to realize that Hannah might not survive this. At the time, as far as we knew, Hannah was cancer free. But deep down inside, I knew something was not right. It was the first time that I began to feel like we were losing her. We returned home to the Hot Springs area the next day and within about a week, Hannah developed what we thought was a stomach virus. After several days of nausea, the doctor ordered an MRI (about 10 days before her next routine scan was scheduled) and it revealed that the cancer had returned with a vengeance. There were now two tumors on her brainstem, and so many tumors up and down her spine that the doctor referred to them as "snowdrift" tumors. With tears in his eyes, he explained to the four of us that he believed Hannah had less than a five percent chance of survival at this point. Wow...what a blow! He did explain some treatment options, including a combination of chemo drugs that had shown some success with glioblastoma tumors, but really didn't give us much hope of cure. As the four of us drove home that day, we decided that we were just going to ignore that number...we knew that our God didn't deal in percentages. But, at the same time, we were just beginning to realize that God's plan for Hannah may not include earthly healing.

This post has become much longer than I intended it to be...I will share more on this topic another day...but I did want to mention what a wonderful time we had at Shady Grove Baptist Church in Prescott this weekend. They had a "Faith, Family, & Fun" emphasis this weekend, and we had the privilege of sharing our story both last night and this morning. What a precious fellowship of believers! This church has followed our story basically from the beginning, and took us in just like a part of their family. Of course, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, and it was apparent this weekend. They truly blessed us with delicious food, beautiful music, and wonderful fellowship. Thank you, SGBC!

Reunions & Remembrances

We spent some time in Mountain Home this weekend with family and friends. This past weekend was my 25th high school reunion...hard for me to believe, but true! It was a great opportunity to get reconnected with some wonderful old friends. I was really nervous before I went about being able to recognize people and remember their names. I knew there would be nametags, but you really don't want to have to stare at someone's nametag before greeting them! Funny...I didn't need nametags for the girls...most of them looked pretty much the same as they did when we graduated. But the guys...they were much harder to recognize! It's surprising how hair loss can really change someone's appearance!

Most of my former classmates had heard about Hannah's story, but there were a couple of awkward moments when those who did not know asked me how many children I had. I still haven't figured out how to answer that question without making people uncomfortable. I usually say that I have one daughter who's 14 and one who's in Heaven. This usually results in a shocked, jaw-dropping response, accompanied by a mumbled, "Oh, I'm so sorry..." This is the point where I usually get choked up and am unable to say anything else. Thankfully, this weekend, I was able to retain my composure and share a little bit of Hannah's story. Another sign of progress in this grief journey.

The mention of my child's name

May bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,

Let me hear the music of her name.

It soothes my broken heart

And sings to my soul.

~Author Unknown

Speaking of Hannah's name...my 2-year-old niece, Julia, has always called Hannah "Arnie." Yesterday, I got an email from my sister-in-law in Indonesia (they are doing well) and she told me that she was telling one of their fellow missionaries about how funny we always thought that was. Her friend suggested that she look it up and see what the name Arnie actually means. Well, she looked it up, and here's what she found:

"Arnie is Hebrew for 'To sing.' Arnold (I looked it up because Arnie is a nickname for it) is Old German for 'Strong as an eagle.' Hannah did sing in her own way. Now, she gets to sing before the Lord God Almighty forever! We all know that that she was, and is now more so, as strong as an eagle! ~Laura"

God is good, all the time!

A Touching Tribute

It's Friday night...and that means high school football! Tonight was the first game of the year....and a convincing win for the Panther football team! Our Athletic Booster Club puts together a football program which is sold at the games, and every year it contains a letter to the fans from our head football coach/athletic director. Here is this year's letter:

"Dear Panther Fans:

Welcome to another exciting year of Panther football. Last year's team finished 8-4, and with the return of 12 seniors, this year should be another good one. The kids have been working hard since the beginning of July for Friday night football.

You may have noticed on the back of our helmets is a sticker with the letters "HS" and a gray ribbon. This is in honor of Hannah Sullivan who was promoted to heaven on February 26, 2009, from brain cancer. Hannah was a manager for the girls' basketball team and would have been a senior this year.

Instead of honoring the passing of Hannah, I would like for us to honor her life. She was my role model. As Hannah battled "her storm," three parts of her life stood out: her faith, belief, and love for God. The year-long battle only made these characteristics stronger in her life.

As I watched Hannah react in such a positive way to all this adversity in her life, I could only think how great it would be if the Panther football team could learn from Hannah and use these traits during the season. I challenge our players to have faith in one another and to work as a team and not as individuals.

I challenge the players to not only believe in their teammates, but also in the coaches and the many decisions they have to make during the season. Finally, I challenge the players to love their team despite any differences they may have.

I especially challenge the team to demonstrate these characteristics during the "rough times" of the game and the season. I encourage them to let their faith, belief, and love stay strong, and to continue to battle and be positive, no matter the outcome. Finally, I challenge the team not only to be like Hannah on the field, but also to model her life off the field.

I can't promise you, the fans, a state championship, or even a district championship if the team follows Hannah's example; however, I can promise you that at the end of the season we will be a better football team, better players, and most of all, better individuals! Panther Pride Runs Deep!

Thank you,

Coach Efird"

I have nothing else to add...Thank you, Coach.