The Sullivan Four

Monday Mourning -- Bereaved Siblings

2012-02-13T21:02:00.000-06:00

Think back to your childhood for a few minutes. Think about some of your fondest childhood memories. How many of them involve your brothers and/or sisters? It's hard for me to remember back to my early childhood growing up in the north woods of Wisconsin without my older brother being all around the fringes of my memories. He teased me, annoyed me, picked on me, even occasionally beat on me, but he was always there for me, and we had a lot of fun as each other's playmates growing up together. And then, when I was 12 years old, my younger brother was born, and I was thrilled to finally have a sibling who couldn't beat me up!

It was this younger brother and his family who stayed with us for two weeks about a month ago. They have the two sweetest, most unspoiled little girls ever ... a result of great parenting, certainly, but also attributable to growing up in Indonesia, unaffected by American-style materialism. Here they are after a visit to Burger King a few weeks ago...

These little girls are exactly two years apart in age, and on March 26th, they will turn 5 and 3. They are extraordinarily close sisters, and in many ways they remind me of my girls when they were little.

Julia, the older one, is a thinker and an observer. She will hang back from a new situation and quietly observe with serious eyes before cautiously entering in. Katie, on the other hand, will barrel into any situation, with little or no hesitation. Julia serves as Katie's interpreter (even though Katie doesn't usually need one), and you can see her watching over her little sister with love and concern. Katie is a ham, and Julia is completely content with handing over the spotlight to her sister, even drawing other's attention to what Katie is doing. It's clear that she is proud of her little sister. As for Katie, if you watch carefully, you can see how she admires her big sister and revels in her approval.

Hannah and Bethany's relationship growing up is mirrored in the above description of Julia and Katie. Hannah was the serious-minded, cautious, over-thinking big sister, and Bethany was the fun-loving, impetuous, afraid-of-nothing little sister. She served as Bethany's rudder, keeping her grounded and helping her make wise decisions in spite of her flightiness. Hannah was always content to remain in the background, while allowing and even encouraging Bethany to take the spotlight. Hannah was Bethany's biggest fan and cheerleader, and Bethany thrived on her big sister's approval and support.

But then, Hannah got sick. Suddenly, the big sister who was always there for her was missing her ball games, spending time in the hospital, throwing up every morning, losing her hair, and growing weaker every day. And then she was gone.

So what happens when a child loses a sibling? I will be the first to say that I don't really know...I've never lost a sibling, so there is no possible way I can even come close to understanding that kind of loss. But I want to share a few things I've learned over the past few years. These things are based on conversations I've had with Bethany and with other parents who are raising bereaved children. I share them somewhat cautiously, knowing that I am no expert in this area. I also know that all bereaved sibling situations are different...some kids lose an older sibling, some a younger one; some kids have other siblings, others become an instant only child; some kids lose their siblings suddenly, and others watch their sibling go through a long illness; and I'm sure that the age of the child at the time of loss can have a huge impact. In fact, before I publish this post, I'm going to have Bethany read it, because if anyone can be an expert on this topic, she is.

So here we go....Things I've learned about struggles of bereaved siblings:

1. Bereaved siblings feel very alone. In our case, Bethany lost her closest friend and confidante. None of her friends could even come close to understanding her loss. As her parents, we couldn't even understand her loss. She often said, "You and Dad have each other. I don't have anybody." And she was right.

2. Bereaved siblings struggle spiritually. So do bereaved parents, but at least we have the benefit of life experience, and many of us have walked with the Lord for years. We've experienced His provision and His comfort during other difficult times in our lives. We've seen Him carry others through times of loss, and we know deep down that we can trust Him, even when we don't understand what He's doing. Our kids don't have those advantages. All they know is that God has let them down...disappointed them in the biggest way imaginable. For many of them, this is the first crisis of faith they've ever faced, and they often don't have any idea how to handle it.

3. Bereaved siblings struggle academically. Bereaved parents are often able to take a leave of absence from work following the death of their child. And when we do return to work, we don't get grades on our performance. Our bosses and co-workers at least attempt to be sensitive and understanding as we muddle through those early days of grief. Siblings are expected to return to school and pick up where they left off...all while fending off insensitive questions from curious classmates and trying to avoid being sucked into the drama that naturally occurs when a young person dies. It's not drama for them...It's their life. And while they struggle to maintain focus and attention on schoolwork with a grief-clouded brain, they are being graded on their performance.

4. Bereaved siblings struggle socially. Many of them find themselves living in the shadow of their deceased sibling. When a young person dies, the natural tendency is to put them on a pedestal, revering their good qualities and forgetting their flaws. This puts the surviving sibling in the difficult position of trying to live up to an impossible standard, causing them to either live in perpetual frustration, or leading them to give up on that entirely and establish themselves as a unique individual, possibly even the opposite of their sibling. They also often find themselves in awkward situations, such as when people ask them how many brothers and sisters they have. If it's hard for us parents to answer the dreaded "How many children do you have" question, how much more difficult is it for our children? Do they risk the shocked expression on the asker's face when they explain that their sibling died...or do they "betray" their sibling by replying, "None. I'm an only child." And then what do they say to their friends who constantly complain about their own siblings, saying things like, "I hate my sister", or "I wish I was an only child"? How much do those kinds of comments add to their pain?

5. Bereaved siblings lose their rudder. Think about your own siblings. How often have they given you advice or counsel that you might not accept from anyone else (including your parents)? Our siblings keep us grounded...help us stay on the right track...even keep us humble. What happens when that grounding influence is gone? The surviving sibling can lose his or her way in life...finding themselves floating through life without direction, often spinning out of control, without a rudder to keep them on track. It's sometimes incredibly difficult for them to get their feet back under them.

5. Bereaved siblings lose their parents. What I mean is, just when a kid needs his parents the most, the parents may be completely unavailable to him. Oh, they may be present physically, but may be totally absent emotionally. A parent who loses a child may be so consumed with their own grief, they have nothing left for their surviving children. They try...they try really hard to be the kind of parent they need to be...but it is incredibly difficult. And by the time the parent has sufficiently recovered to truly turn their attention back to their child, that child may have already developed his own way of dealing with his grief, which may or may not be healthy. And even then, they will never, ever be the same parent that their child has always known.

OK...I know this is by no means an exhaustive list, but I think it covers most of what I've learned, anyway. I'm going to stop right here and let Bethany read what I've written. Then I'll find out how much I've actually learned!

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All right, Bethany has given her wholehearted approval to what I've written. So I now have permission to publish this.

One final thing...I have really come to believe that siblings are the forgotten part of the bereaved family. Case in point: Nearly three years have passed since Hannah left us for Heaven, and I am just now writing this post. Not that I have forgotten Bethany or been unaware of her pain, but I feel like I am just now beginning to understand all the complexities of what she's experienced. Maybe because I am just now able to really see past my own nose, or maybe because a sibling's pain is so much deeper and more complex than I ever imagined.

If you are reading this and you have lost a sibling, or if you are parenting a child who has lost a sibling, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences related to this topic. Please post your comments below. I am definitely open to learning all I can about it. We believe that the Lord may be leading "While We're Waiting" to host a retreat for bereaved siblings at some point in the future, and this is a baby step in that direction.

Ten On The Tenth -- Ten Incredibly Boring Facts About Me

2012-02-11T11:58:00.003-06:00

Yes, I realize it is actually the 11th. I thought up this post yesterday, but just didn't have time to sit down and type it until today....Does that count?

Actually, I had a hard time thinking of a topic for this month's Ten on the Tenth. Then I saw where a particular blogger I follow had listed "Ten Incredibly Boring Facts" about himself. And I thought to myself, "Hmmmm...I bet I can do that...I'm pretty boring." So, if you really want to know Ten Incredibly Boring Facts about me, read on...

1. After watching Nadia Comaneci receive seven perfect 10's in the 1976 summer Olympics, I made up my mind that I was going to grow up to be an Olympic gymnast. I did not let the fact that I was already 5'8" in the fourth grade deter me. Eventually my total lack of athletic prowess did that for me.

2. I loved playing with snakes with I was little. I grew up in northern Wisconsin, where there are lots and lots of snakes, but very few of them are poisonous. So I made pets out of the grass snakes, red bellies, and garter snakes. I wouldn't recommend that in Arkansas.

3. My first car was a blue 1977 Chevy Monza. It ate fuel pumps and spit them out on a regular basis, but it was my car (paid for with my own money), and I loved it.

4. My first real job (at age 15) was as an envelope stuffer in a real estate office. Over time, my responsibilities expanded to the position of office manager, and I even took and passed the real estate exam during my first year of college. I worked there all through high school and during college breaks, and even one summer after I got married. What a great job it was...and it helped pay for the aforementioned Chevy Monza and all its fuel pumps.

5. I became a certified scuba diver when I was in high school. Diving is a rather expensive hobby, and I don't own any of my own equipment, so I have had few opportunities to do it since becoming certified. Brad and Bethany also got their PADI certification when we went to Jamaica a few months after Hannah's death, and we had such a wonderful time on that trip diving together. Would definitely like to do more of that.

6. I met my husband at a function. What is a function, you may ask? Brad and I attended Ouachita Baptist University, a Southern Baptist college where dancing is officially frowned upon. However, off-campus "functions" took place nearly every weekend, and we met at the very first one of my sophomore and his freshman year. The rest, as they say, is history.

7. I'm a word nerd. I love words...analyzing them, knowing their spellings, understanding their etymology, employing them in just the right situations. I began reading when I was four years old, before starting kindergarten, and I just seem to be hard-wired for written language.

8. I played the tuba in the high school band. It started out as a lark...thinking it would be fun to do something that few girls would ever do...but I ended up really enjoying it. However, when I graduated, I set down the tuba and have never picked it up again. So don't ask me to play in the church orchestra.

9. I love contemporary Christian music and have very eclectic taste within that genre. My iPod has songs that range from Steve Green and Sandy Patti all the way to Lecrae and TobyMac. I once said I would never have an iPod...I loved my extensive collection of CDs and just couldn't imagine giving them up. Yeah, I once said the same thing about electronic books.

10. I am directionally-challenged. When we were engaged, Brad used to tell me that when we were married he was going to buy a really long string, and tie one end to my thumb and one end to our doorknob....That way I'd always be able to find my way home. And you know, it's just about that bad. It's sad, really. I truthfully believe that whatever part of the brain that's supposed to regulate directionality is simply missing from mine. Oh well, we've been married for 24 1/2 years now, and so far, I've always found my way home...and I hardly ever have to use the string! :)

Tell About It Tuesday -- A Little Girl In Need of Prayer

2012-02-07T11:05:00.001-06:00

I would like to introduce you to Haley Gloria. Haley is the 7-year-old daughter of Jason & Lisa Gloria from Hot Springs, Arkansas, and she has an older sister named Hannah. Lisa and I became acquainted through Relay for Life. She had followed my Hannah's story, and has always taken an interest in our family. We would always visit at the team captain's meetings, and one month she asked me if I would share "Why I Relay" with the entire group. She was also instrumental in getting our family to be the honorary torch lighters at last year's Relay. Although we've never really socialized outside of Relay for Life events, I've always felt a special bond with her ... maybe because we both have daughters named Hannah!

A little over a week ago, Haley had an MRI after a couple weeks of baffling symptoms, and she was immediately rushed to Arkansas Children's Hospital. The MRI revealed the presence of a tumor in the area of her cerebellum and brainstem. On February 2nd, she underwent a 16 hour surgery, and they were able to remove all but about a centimeter of the tumor, which was just too close to the brainstem. The family has already been told that it is cancer, and she will be having a spinal tap this week to check for cancer cells in her spinal fluid.

Haley and her family have a long and difficult road ahead of them. I believe that God can bring complete healing to this precious child. Please pray for healing for Haley, and for peace, comfort, strength, and stamina for her family. You can follow her story on Facebook at "Prayers for Haley Gloria". Let's surround this family with prayers and love, as only the body of Christ can!

Monday Mourning -- A Crowded Club

2012-02-06T19:57:00.001-06:00

We had the great privilege of making a trip to Wynne, Arkansas, yesterday, to share our testimony in a Sunday School class there. This class is led by our dear friends and "While We're Waiting" alumni, Rex and Mary Jones. The Jones's invited us to come quite awhile ago, and after several months of trying to find a date that would work for all of us, we finally made the trip yesterday. And what a great day it was!

I'd like to tell you about the day in reverse order...if that makes any sense. The highlight of the day was the Sunday School hour, and I want to save that part for last. So, I'll start with our lunch, which was also a highlight. We had lunch at the Jones's house with Rex and Mary and their daughter, Tori, and another couple, Steve and Kim Dillard. Kim and I have been "e friends" for two or three years now, but had never actually met until yesterday. I honestly can't even remember exactly how we became acquainted, but I do remember why. Her husband, Steve, was diagnosed with an oligodendroglioma brain tumor back in 2002. They were originally told that it was inoperable, but Dr. Yasargil, a surgeon at UAMS, was able to successfully remove it. His tumor returned in April of 2010, and they have been in the battle anew ever since. We have talked often over the last couple of years, comparing chemo medications, side effects, etc. What a blessing it was to finally meet them in person. They are a wonderful example of grace and peace in the midst of a difficult life situation. Thankfully, Steve's most recent MRI showed shrinkage of his tumor...Praise the Lord!

The worship service at the church was also a highlight. (Are you getting the idea by now that the whole visit was a series of highlights? OK, good.) Well, the worship leader for the day was none other than Dennis Jernigan. Dennis Jernigan has written many of the choruses which are sung in today's churches..."Nobody Fills My Heart Like Jesus", "You Are My All In All", "There Is a Fountain", and many more. He had been at this church leading a weekend conference for music pastors. What a nice treat for us! He shared his remarkable testimony about how God has set him free from homosexuality. He has been married to his wife, Melinda, for 27 years, and has nine children. If you ever have the opportunity to hear him in person, jump at it!

Now for the real highlight of all the day's events...the Sunday School class. The Jones's, knowing what the topic of our testimony would be, invited everyone they knew who had lost a child or other loved one into their class that morning. They even asked the regular members of the class to attend another class across the hall, to be sure there would be enough room for visitors. The class ended up being standing room only, as more and more people came in who had suffered significant losses, many of them who had lost children. It was humbling, actually, to speak to a whole room full of these folks. Afterward, we had the opportunity to visit with many of them, and what a blessing that was.

But here is what we came away with...Just as that Sunday School classroom was crowded, this Bereaved Parents Club is crowded. This is a club that no one...no one...ever wants to be a part of...yet there are so many of us! Wynne is a relatively small northeast Arkansas town, with a population of only 13,000 people, yet here was this Sunday School classroom in a relatively small church which was standing room only, filled with mostly bereaved parents. And they represented probably only a small fraction of the people from Wynne who could have been there. That's a lot of hurting people!

We believe that God has a plan for "While We're Waiting" to reach out to people just like these folks throughout the state of Arkansas, and maybe even someday around the country. Will you pray for us as we seek to follow His leadership in how to minister to this unfortunately crowded club?

Tell About It Tuesday -- While We're Waiting Mom's Day

2012-01-31T23:10:00.000-06:00

We had our third "While We're Waiting" Mini-Retreat for Bereaved Moms on Saturday, and God gave us another amazing day.

Five moms came and blessed us by sharing their children's stories with us. One of these dear moms had lost two children, and one had lost four. Yes, four. A son and a daughter were stillborn, one son was killed in a car accident, and another son was murdered. I was rendered speechless by the enormity of her loss. This mom was raised in an orthodox Jewish home, and did not accept Jesus as her Messiah until after her children's deaths. She became involved in Bible Study Fellowship as a self-described "bitter old woman" and her life was transformed. She floored me when she made the statement, "Knowing Christ is worth any cost." What a testimony.

This particular Mom's Day was a little different than the other two we've had, simply because of the group that God put together. Each of these moms was at least eight years out from the time she'd lost her child or children. That gave our conversation a depth and richness that could only come from experience with deep pain and grief. I really think that we hostesses (who are only two and three years out from our losses) may have benefited more from the conversation than anyone! I also think the day provided these ladies with an opportunity just to talk about their kids...something they don't often have the opportunity to do since so much time has passed.

Here's our group picture...I fell in love with these ladies on Saturday!

We are blessed to have two ladies who bless us with their "decorating ministry." Before every Mom's Day, they come and work their magic on Janice's already beautiful home. This time, they transformed her dining room table into a sparkling winter scene.

And, of course, there are the obligatory pictures of the food. First, the appetizer, which in Food Channel lingo was "Cold roasted pork tenderloin encrusted with truffle salt and cracked pepper with buttered croutons, horseradish butter cheese, and caramelized onion marmalade."

Then, the salad, which was "Wedge of iceburg with Thai dressing made from sunflower seeds, yellow tomatoes, carrots, and curried Chinese noodles."

This was followed by the intermezzo..."strawberry sorbet with blueberries and ginger ale." I wish I could cleanse my palate with this every day!

Then it was time for the entree'. It was amazing! Check out the "chicken osso bucco with garlic red skin potatoes, braised brussels sprouts with bacon and carrots with a white teriyaki sauce."

Finally...what we'd all been waiting for -- dessert! This was "chocolate mousse with strawberries and raspberry sauce." It was oh, so good!

And no, I didn't have all those Food Channel descriptions memorized. Our awesome chef, Chef Franklin, provided me with those.

All in all, this particular "While We're Waiting" Mom's Mini-Retreat was a real blessing for me in particular. I was so touched listening to the testimonies of these ladies as they shared the lives of their precious children with us, and how their faith had carried them through the years. I simply felt honored and privileged that God allowed me to be a part of this special day.

Monday Mourning -- My Redeemer

2012-01-30T19:38:00.001-06:00

Our house is very quiet tonight. The Christmas decorations are (finally) put away, and toys and books are no longer littering the floor. The TV is tuned to women's college basketball, and we're each in our favorite seat in the living room. Ahhhhhh....relaxing.

But, to tell the truth, I really miss the toys on the floor, and the bedtime stories, and the little girl hugs and giggles! We had such a great time with my brother and his family over the past two weeks. The highlight of our time together was Saturday before last, when the whole family got together to celebrate Christmas and my dad's 75th birthday. It was the first time our entire family had all been together since Hannah's funeral nearly three years ago.

I had forgotten how much fun Christmas is with two little girls around. They looked forward all week to the day when they could finally open presents, and it was so much fun to watch them! They especially loved their princess outfits and their Sit and Spins!

There was so much joy in having our family all together again....except for the fact that Hannah was not there. And, wow...would she have loved to have been there. Family gatherings were absolutely her favorite thing. How she would have laughed at those little girls' antics!

Several times during their visit, I was tempted to let sorrow overwhelm me, simply because I wanted Hannah to be there with us so badly. I just wanted to be able to share all of these fun family experiences with her. I know that she's not missing out on anything (how could she miss out on anything while she's in Heaven?), but I felt that I was missing out on something!

But every time I started to feel that way, I was reminded that the Lord is my Redeemer. Not only has He redeemed my soul by paying the price for my sin ... I believe He will redeem all of the time I have lost with Hannah. And what a comfort that is! I am looking forward to that day!

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand on the earth." Job 19:25

SO EXCITED!!

2012-01-16T14:45:00.000-06:00

We are SO EXCITED here at the Sullivan household! Well, wouldn't you be if this kind of cuteness was headed to your house?

Those are my nieces, Katie and Julia, and they will be flying into Little Rock around 8:45 this evening. And they are coming all the way from Indonesia! Yes, their parents will be with them....and we're absolutely giddy about seeing them, too, don't get me wrong....but I'm not gonna lie...we are Excited with a capital E about seeing these two little girls.

The last time we saw my brother's family was June of 2009, just a few months after Hannah went to Heaven. Katie was not even three months old. They are full-time missionaries with Mission Aviation Fellowship, and they have been in Indonesia for the past six years. They've been home one other time during that stretch of time, when their furlough just "happened" to fall during Hannah's last months of life. Amazing how God works those things out, isn't it?

Here's a picture from that time. We were at Children's Hospital where Hannah was about to get a platelet infusion. Julia was enthralled by an episode of Dora the Explorer on TV....a whole new experience for her! A good day.

So, now you know why we're so excited at our house. The blog may be "going dark" for a couple of weeks while they're here...We want to enjoy every minute we have with them. See you then!

Ten on the Tenth -- My Favorite JOY Verses

2012-01-10T14:46:00.000-06:00

Verses about JOY abound in the Bible. Here are ten of my favorites....

1. "So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your JOY from you." John 16:22

2. "These things have I spoken to you, that my JOY may be in you, and that your JOY may be full." John 15:11

3. "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of JOY." Job 8:21

4. "For His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but JOY comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

5. "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with JOY, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will praise you forever." Psalm 30:11-12

6. "You make known to me the path of life; you fill me with JOY in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

7. "Consider it pure JOY, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3

8. "And provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of JOY instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." Isaiah 61:3

9. "Shout for JOY, you heavens; rejoice you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts His people and will have compassion on His afflicted ones." Isaiah 49:13

10. "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!" Psalm 126:5

OK...Now I need to admit something. I just realized this afternoon that it was the 10th of the month, and I started wracking my brain trying to think of something I could list ten of. I'm short on time this afternoon...we're leaving in about 45 minutes for a basketball game in Conway...and I thought, "I'll just make a list of my ten favorite JOY verses, and I won't need to write any commentary with it."

Well, as I typed this list, I was struck by how many of these verses have the word "JOY" juxtaposed with grief, tears, trials, affliction, etc. Maybe that's just because I'm drawn to verses like that because of my own experience, and that's why these are my favorites. Or maybe it's because that's how God so often works ... allowing us to experience heartbreaking sorrow, but always following it up with a restoration of JOY. And maybe it's also because our capacity for JOY expands based on the depth of our sorrow ... the greater the sorrow we've experienced in life, the greater our ability to experience true JOY. And, of course, the JOY we experience here on earth is nothing compared with the fullness of JOY we will know when we are reunited with Him and our loved ones in Heaven someday.

Wow. I don't know about you ... but I really needed this Ten on the Tenth!

Tell About It Tuesday -- "While We're Waiting" Update!

2012-01-03T14:06:00.001-06:00

A lot has been going on with "While We're Waiting" over the last few weeks, and I'm so excited to be able to tell you about it!

Just in case you're new to the blog, let me fill you in on what "While We're Waiting" is all about. It's a ministry to bereaved parents that we, along with another couple, started several months ago. The name comes from the dilemma that every parent who has lost a child must face ... How am I going to live while I'm waiting to be reunited with my child in Heaven someday? Am I going to abandon my faith or apply my faith? Am I going to become bitter or better? How can I live so that my child and my Lord are honored by my life? The "While We're Waiting" ministry seeks to bring together bereaved, but believing, parents to offer support to each other as we grapple with these questions.

The main vehicle we've used to bring parents together is a series of retreats. Since April of 2011, we've hosted two weekend retreats for couples, one weekend retreat just for Dads, and two one-day mini-retreats just for Moms. Every one of these events has been an incredible blessing, not only for the attendees, but also for us as the hosts. God has showed up in a powerful and unmistakable way each time, and we have been humbled by what He has done.

So, now that you know what "While We're Waiting" is all about, let me share some news with you!

1. "While We're Waiting" now has a Facebook group. I formed this group a couple of months ago as a way of keeping bereaved parents connected, and to be a source of encouragement through the holidays. We are now up to 39 members, and it's been a great way to keep in touch with other parents who have experienced the loss of a child. If you are a bereaved parent and would like to join, simply type "While We're Waiting" into the Facebook search bar and request to join. We'd love to have you!

2. "While We're Waiting" is now a corporation. We are in the process of seeking public charity 501(c)(3) status, and that is the first step. We were actually officially incorporated as of August, but have just now started the 501(c)(3) process. In hopes of saving attorney's fees, we are attempting to complete the process ourselves, and that was one of my major projects over the Christmas break. Our board of directors will be meeting tomorrow evening to review it all before we send it in to the IRS. Please join us in praying that we receive approval as we take this big step.

3. One reason we are seeking 501(c)(3) status is because our board has decided to do away with all registration fees for our retreats. We feel that God is leading us to provide all of our events at no cost to our participants, because we don't want anyone to be unable to attend due to financial issues. We will take a love offering at each of our events, and we'd like for people's donations to be tax-deductible. I've spent the day today updating our website to reflect these changes.

4. We also have had new brochures printed, reflecting the fact that there is no cost for our retreats. If you have a friend or family member that you'd like to give a brochure to, please click here to email me and request one. I'll be happy to send you one or twenty ... however many you'd like.

5. We have decided to open up our couples' retreat to singles as well. We had two single moms attend our last couples' retreat in November, and it was a real blessing to have them there. So I've also been updating all of our information to reflect this change.

6. Our next "While We're Waiting" Mini-Retreat for Moms is right around the corner. It is scheduled for Saturday, January 28th, and will be held at my friend Janice's home overlooking beautiful Lake Hamilton in Hot Springs, Arkansas. It will run from approximately 9:30 a.m. until 6:30 p.m., and each Mom who attends will receive a massage, and enjoy a five-course gourmet meal prepared and served by our own private chef. We'll spend the day sharing our kids' stories as well as discussing issues that we all face as grieving Moms. There is room for a total of six Moms to attend, and two of the spots are already taken, so we are looking for four more Moms who would like to come make some new friends.

7. And just a reminder...our next couples'/singles' retreat will be April 20-22; and our next Dad's retreat will be May 4-6. It's never too early to sign up and reserve your spot!

8. Check out the "While We're Waiting" website for more information or to register for any of these events. I spent quite a bit of time this morning getting it all updated and a little better organized, and I'm pretty pleased with the results.

9. Finally, please join us in praying for wisdom as we seek God's leadership for "While We're Waiting." We'd really like to host an event for bereaved siblings at some point in the future, because all of us bereaved parents seem to have concerns about our surviving children. We've even discussed hosting an event for grandparents who have lost grandchildren. And we'd even like to expand "While We're Waiting" further someday ... "While We're Waiting" doesn't just apply to parents who have lost children. Maybe someday we could host an event for those who are waiting to be reunited with a beloved spouse. We are seeking to be obedient to God's leadership in all of these areas.

10. What else can you do besides pray? Help us spread the word! Tell people about "While We're Waiting" ... give them a brochure, send them to the "While We're Waiting" Facebook page, direct them to our website. If you'd like for us to come share about "While We're Waiting" in your Sunday School class, church, civic group ... we'd be glad to! Just let us know when and where and we will be there. Distance is really not an issue for us. We appreciate your help in this area!

Maybe you can tell that we are ridiculously excited about what God is doing in and through this ministry, and we are humbly grateful that He is using us in this way. Thank you for partnering with us in prayer and in spreading the word. May He continue to use "While We're Waiting" as an instrument of healing and encouragement to many.

Monday Mourning -- Cousins

2012-01-02T15:02:00.000-06:00

Yes, this is another post I meant to write before Christmas, on December 23rd, actually, but time just got away from me.

When we went to Waco the weekend before Christmas to celebrate the holiday with Brad's family, we also got to attend my niece Faith's third birthday party. Faith was born on the 23rd of December, just two months and three days before Hannah went to Heaven, and they really only got to meet each other once. Here's a picture of that day...

I remember that Hannah really did not want to hold her. Her body was clearly suffering from the ravages of cancer treatments, and she didn't think she was strong enough to hold a baby safely. She argued against it, but I insisted even though she was probably right, because I really wanted to get a picture of them together. And as you can see, they quickly warmed to each other, and this picture is a treasure. We have very, very few pictures of Hannah after her diagnosis, because she didn't like to be photographed, so this one is really special.

Now, here's a picture of Faith today, or at least a few weeks ago, at Thanksgiving time.

Sigh. It makes me so sad that Faith never had the opportunity to get to know her cousin, Hannah, and neither did Katie Joy, another cousin who was born exactly one month after Hannah went to Heaven. But I'm so grateful to their parents, who have done so much to make Hannah a part of their lives. And that these little girls will someday have all eternity to get to know her. Sure makes me thankful for Heaven!

Random Thoughts...

2011-12-31T11:42:00.002-06:00

Just some random thoughts bouncing around in my head here on the last day of 2011. Actually, most of them have nothing to do with the end of the year ... they're just things I've meant to blog about over the last few weeks but haven't had the time. So, here we go.

1. I turned 46 a couple weeks ago. Kind of a strange feeling to be closer to 50 than 40. I suppose I'll start getting stuff from AARP in the mail any day now.

2. The best part of turning 46 was that I got a new laptop for my birthday. Take a close look at the picture of the keyboard of my old laptop below. Do you agree that maybe it was time for a new one?

Actually, this wasn't my laptop anyway...it was Hannah's. When she turned 17, her aunts, uncles, grandparents, and even some others, all chipped in and surprised her with it for her birthday. It was the perfect gift for her, because at that time she was going through her second round of radiation and was out of school. It helped keep her connected with her friends and the world around her. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before her vision deteriorated to the point where she couldn't see well enough to use it. At that point, I took it over, and this is the computer that accompanied us to every hospital appointment and stay, and the means by which I wrote all of the emails which chronicled our journey. It has served our family well, but lately, it's begun to sputter...so its number is being retired.

3. Our Christmas stuff is still up, and will remain up until sometime after January 21st. That is when we will be celebrating Christmas with my side of the family. Why are we waiting until January 21st, you may ask? Because that's when my brother and his family will be home on furlough from Indonesia. The last time we saw them was just a couple of months after Hannah went to Heaven. We are absolutely giddy at the prospect of seeing them soon!

4. There are some very exciting things going on with the "While We're Waiting" ministry, and I can't wait to share them with you. But, I am going to wait until my next "Tell About It Tuesday" post. So be sure to check back next week.

5. I'm excited about starting The 3650 Challenge tomorrow. What is The 3650 Challenge, you ask? It's also known as Professor Horner's Bible-Reading System -- a method in which you read ten chapters of the Bible a day, every day, for a full year. Each of the ten chapters comes from a different book of the Bible. If followed exactly, by the end of the year, you will have read 3,650 chapters. That would mean that over 2012 calendar year you would read through all the Gospels four times, the Pentateuch twice, Paul’s letters 4-5 times each, the Old Testament wisdom literature six times, all the Psalms at least twice, all the Proverbs as well as Acts a dozen times, and all the way through the Old Testament History and Prophetic books about 1.5 times. Sounds interesting, doesn't it? If anyone else is doing it, I'd love to hear from you. There is actually a Facebook group called The 3650 Challenge to provide a forum for those of us who are doing it. There are 1,348 members of this group, so I know I'm not the only one. I plan to use the YouVersion Bible on my iPhone, which has this system available as one of its plans, and also another free app called Bible Bookmarks. Anyway, I'm going to give it a try...I'll let you know how it goes.

6. I'm totally geeked out about pulling out my new calendars tomorrow. I may even have to put them up tonight...I just don't think I can wait! :)

Thoughtful Thursday -- What Would I Do If...

2011-12-29T21:23:00.000-06:00

On the Tuesday morning before Christmas, I bid Bethany good-bye as she headed off to basketball practice. Christmas break was already in full swing, but, of course, basketball practice never takes a break. She walked out the door, and I went into the bathroom and started blow-drying my hair. I hadn't been in there two minutes when Brad appeared at the bathroom door yelling that Bethany had hit a deer. I think my heart stopped momentarily before I managed to choke out, "Is she okay?" He hollered back over his shoulder, "I don't know. She just called me." And then he was gone...pulling out of the driveway in his Chevy Blazer.

I yanked on some jeans (pajama pants are my garment of choice on Christmas break), and was out the driveway just a few minutes behind him. We live in a very rural area, where the roads are curvy, and the deer are plentiful. I came around a curve, and there they were, both their vehicles on the side of the road, Bethany engulfed in Brad's arms. I pulled over and joined the group hug. Bethany was fine, just a little shaken and scared. Once I was assured that she was okay, I turned my attention to her car...and this is what I saw.

It was pretty ugly, and I hated to see her poor little car all bashed up like this, but, oh my, it could have been so much worse. She had come around the curve to find four deer crossing the road. Thankfully, she remembered her dad's advice not to swerve when encountering an animal in the road...if she had left the road, she would probably have struck a tree on one side, and would have gone into a deep ditch on the other side. And if a deer rolls up and comes through your windshield...well, let's just not go there.

The bottom line is, Bethany was fine. We made all the necessary calls to the insurance company and summoned a tow truck, and then I drove her on to basketball practice. The wreck happened only about a mile from our house, and the school is only about two miles farther down the road. I did walk in with her and explained to her coach why she was late, and why she might be a little distracted at practice.

It wasn't until I was headed home from the gym that the magnitude of the event started to sink in. "Magnitude" may not be the right word here...in the grand scheme of things, it was really a pretty minor incident. But to me, it was a reminder, like when Bethany had her concussion a couple months ago, that our family is not immune from further tragedy.

There's something in me that thinks, "We've lost a child to cancer. Surely that means that nothing more can happen to us." But I know that's not true. When we moved from Wisconsin to Arkansas when I was twelve years old, I became friends with a girl who had lost all three of her brothers. One had died shortly after he was born, one died at the age of ten from cancer, and one (the only one she ever knew) had died at the age of 17 in a car accident. I knew all of this because she told me about it, but as a kid, I never even considered what her parents had gone through. They were very kind to me, and I was always welcome in their home. Now, after losing only one child, I wonder how in the world they survived so much loss. I cannot even begin to imagine.

I recently read the story of Scott and Janet Willis's family in WORLD magazine. Seventeen years ago, the Willises lost all six of their children when a piece of metal fell off a truck and punctured the gas tank of their minivan. As they were being treated for severe burns at the scene, Scott said to Janet, "It was very quick. And they're with the Lord now." Then, as they were loaded into separate ambulances, he shouted out to her, "Psalm 34." Janet, as she was surrounded by emergency workers, kept praying Psalm 34:1 out loud, "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth," with the emphasis on will. What a beautiful picture of trust in God, despite unspeakably devastating circumstances.

Andree' Seu, the author of the article, wrote this: "Praise meets trauma where nothing else can reach. Praise in the face of devastation releases blessings obtainable in no other way. The presence of God is directly related to worship."

Would that I could continue to praise God, even if another tragedy befell my family. And even as I ask God to give me that kind of faith, I pray that I never have to find out if I really have it.

Wacky Wednesday -- Indonesian Instructions

2011-12-28T10:43:00.001-06:00

I haven't had a Wacky Wednesday post for awhile, but when I saw this on my brother's blog, I just had to share it. My brother and his wife are missionaries in Indonesia, and they celebrated Christmas just like we did this past weekend. One of the gifts they got for their little girls was this "Funny House".

It was actually a house in two pieces...You had to buy both pieces and then put them together. But that's not the wacky part. Here's the part that made me chuckle...the comments on the package.

Hmmmm....Don't you wish you could encourage your exaltation kid's cognitive abilities with a toy like this? :-)

Christmas 2011

2011-12-25T22:23:00.001-06:00

Well, it's 9:00 p.m. on Christmas Day...and another Christmas is almost behind us. And I have to say that I'm glad it's coming to an end. Christmas is just not what it used to be.

It's not what it used to be when I was a little girl...when we used to have to wait until the grown-ups finished drinking their coffee after Christmas dinner before all of us kids (my brother and me and all our cousins) could start opening presents. Can you believe they made us wait until the afternoon before we could open our presents?! I never knew grown-ups could drink coffee so slowly!

It's not what it used to be when my girls were little...when Brad and I were almost more excited than they were about their presents. My girls were not early risers, and we were usually awake on Christmas morning long before they were...anxiously waiting for them to get up and tear into their presents.

And it's certainly not what it was before Hannah left our earthly home for her heavenly home. Certainly, the pain of her absence has moderated somewhat...the edges of the hole are not quite as sharp as they once were. The sadness is still there, but it's not crippling.

This year, more than ever, what has made me sad is thinking about how small our little family is. There are only three of us, and it just feels so incomplete. We were never supposed to be a family of three. Brad and I had always wanted at least two children, preferably three. Because of complications after Bethany was born, we were never able to have that third child, but that was okay...we were very content with our family of four.

We have a very large and loving extended family. In fact, we celebrated Christmas with the Sullivan side of the family last weekend in Waco, Texas, at my sister-in-law's home. We had a wild, raucous, wrapping-paper-ripping time of celebration while we were there. We are planning a Christmas celebration with my side of the family when my brother and his family come home from Indonesia on furlough in mid-January. We are really looking forward to that time with them, especially their two little girls, since we get to see them so rarely.

That meant that our Christmas celebration at home was very quiet this year, which is fine with us. We live such busy lives, we really enjoy just having some relaxing time to be together as a family. We decided to open presents on Christmas Eve this year. We knew we'd be going to church this morning, and just didn't want to have to rush that family time together.

We did have a guest join us for the evening...Bethany's boyfriend, Brad. I don't think he had any idea how much his presence helped us. In fact, I don't think he had a clue. The two of them have been friends for awhile now, and he's almost become part of the family. For a few hours, it almost felt like we were a family of four again. And I know it helped Bethany to have someone to open presents with. We really had a nice evening together last night. We also spent some time video-chatting with my brother in Indonesia on Skype, and that, too, helped our family not to feel quite so small.

As we walked into church this morning, I was struck once again by how small our family seemed. We took our place in our usual pew, and I know it's weird, but I kept thinking about what a small amount of space we filled up. I couldn't help but look at the families around us, all sitting together with their children, and looking somehow so much more "complete" than I felt we did. I even felt like other people were looking at us and thinking, "Awwww...look at them. Their family is so small without Hannah." The sermon was pretty much lost on me, and I ended up fighting tears through the whole service. By the time it was over, I had to get out of there. I barely held it together until I got out into the parking lot...well, okay, I didn't really hold it together, but I gave it a valiant effort. Sometimes, that's just all you can do.

We did have a really nice afternoon and evening...eating a delicious dinner of brisket with all of our favorite side dishes, watching movies, and playing games together. So nice just to relax and enjoy being together.

The name of this blog is "The Sullivan Four." That name actually comes from our email address, which for a few years now has been thesullivan4 at gmail.com. It was from that address that I sent all of the emails that became the journal of Hannah's journey through cancer. I started this blog after she went to Heaven, and I knew I wanted to use that name, but wondered whether it would really be more appropriate to call it "The Sullivan Three". After all, weren't we now a family of three?

I didn't think about it long, though. God quickly reminded me that even though Hannah is no longer physically present with us on earth, we are still a family of four. There is a separation between us right now...but it is only temporary. Hannah did not cease to exist on February 26, 2009...she is actually more alive than ever before...and we will be reunited with her one day. So, even though it feels like our family is small and incomplete right now, it won't always be that way. We are still a family of four, "The Sullivan Four" if you will, and we will be throughout eternity. And there is joy to be found in that. Yet another reminder of what Christmas is all about.

Christmas Eve in Heaven

2011-12-24T14:22:00.003-06:00

I've thought a lot about what to write here on the eve of our third Christmas without Hannah. But I've decided, for a change, not to write about our family.

I want to share the remarkable story of Hallie Green, a precious little girl who was born six days ago in Atlanta, Georgia. About six months ago, Hallie's parents found out that she would be born with Trisomy 13, a genetic disorder which causes a multitude of birth defects. In fact, 80% of babies born with Trisomy 13 do not survive their first year of life.

Let me share some of what Hallie's dad wrote on their blog yesterday, on Hallie's fifth day of life:

"I can't write a word until I thank all of you who have sent gifts to our house, texted, wrote on the Hope For Hallie Facebook wall, brought meals, and most importantly... prayed for our family and Hallie.

I've got to be honest, when I first saw the signs and hashtags labeled "Hope for Hallie," I was a little nervous. I guess I wanted to make sure people knew what to hope for. The prayers for a miracle of full recovery in Hallie's health have been a braver prayer than I honestly was willing to pray. Probably out of the fear that God might not "fix" her. I also didn't want to assume that Hallie's health was the indicator of God's goodness to us. We've seen God's goodness in so many ways, and greatly through each of you. The bottom line is this: please don't hinge your willingness to believe in God on Hallie's survival.

The reality is, she won't.

I want to follow that horrible sentence with this. Hallie's survival was never our "Hope for Hallie." We knew the day we heard the words "Trisomy 13," Hallie's life would be short, and maybe just hours/days if she survived birth. Our "Hope for Hallie" is that people would see life as a gift, and draw near to God. Based on your comments here, and based on the Facebook wall, I would say: mission accomplished. More people know Hallie's name within the last five days than will know my name throughout my entire life. Please don't feel sorry for Hallie...or us.

We will continue to enjoy every moment we are given with Hallie. We're heartbroken. Extremely heartbroken. We cry...probably hourly. God's purpose for Hallie does not exempt us from the pain of losing her. Don't be misled into thinking we're all laughing and celebrating all of the time.

Hallie is perfectly-made for us. She has a cleft lip and palate, no eyes, and we're pretty sure she's deaf. But she's still perfect to us. Her soul shines through her.

Finally, I'll leave you with a shot taken last night shortly after we arrived home from the hospital. One of our "Hope for Hallie" participants (and later found out, a close family friend) went to Bass Pro Shop to do some family photos with Santa. She was holding a "Hope for Hallie" sign in the photo. Santa asked about it, and was moved by our story. He wanted to help bring some Christmas cheer to our family. And...at 9pm last night, after working a strenuous, all-day schedule, he drove the 30 miles south to our home to make us smile.

This single act of selflessness and love has got to be a top-three moment for me in my life. I would compare it to the "Move that Bus!" Extreme Home Makeover emotion. Incredible. He came with two elves (thanks Kristin and Lauren), and brought gifts for our girls and us, prayed for our family, and then lead us all in "Silent Night." I'll have a video of the girls' reaction up...well...soon. Santa, thank you for honoring our family in such a sacrificial way. (I see God's love all over this.)

Here is Santa loving on Hallie, our Christmas miracle...."

Isn't that just the most beautiful picture you've ever seen?

Hallie went to be with Jesus about 12:30 this morning, and is spending Christmas Eve with Him, which is soooo much better than spending it with Santa.

Please keep Chris and Katie Green, along with Bella and Farrah, Hallie's big sisters, in your prayers in the days ahead. You might even write a word of encouragement to them on the "Hope for Hallie" facebook page.

Thoughtful Thursday -- JOY...Because of HOPE

2011-12-22T18:21:00.001-06:00

Wow...I have really dropped the ball when it comes to blogging! Even though Christmas break officially began last Friday, I have literally been too busy to sit down and write. And I really don't like to write just for the sake of writing. There have been several times that I've done that, and I'm never happy with the results. My posts usually begin with a "seed"...something that's planted in my mind that often takes time to grow. If I rush it along, it just doesn't turn out well.

Anyway, enough excuses. I'm hopeful that Christmas break will afford me the opportunity to share some of what's been on my heart over the last few weeks.

Tonight, my thoughts are full of families who are preparing to spend their first Christmas without one of their precious children. The second and third (and so on) Christmases are difficult, but nothing compares to the deep grief families experience on that first Christmas without their child. And it seems there has been so much loss this year. As I write this, I see face after face passing through my mind...all children now living in Heaven with Jesus. And their parents are left here trying to learn how to just keep breathing without them.

I'm here by myself tonight...Brad and Bethany are at the deer camp, doing some duck and squirrel hunting for the next couple of days. I love evenings like this, when I have the house to myself. I've got a Christmas candle burning, my iPod in the stereo on shuffle, Lacee piled up next to me sound asleep, and I may even get the fireplace going after while. The living room is lit up by our "JOY" tree...a Christmas tree with nothing on it but JOY ornaments. I love this tree...every ornament on it is special to me for one reason or another.

But I can't help thinking about all of these broken-hearted families...how physically heavy their grief is...all of them wondering if they will ever have JOY again. I know that's how they feel, because I've been there. Christmas of 2008 was filled with pain. Even though Hannah was still here with us, we knew that without a miracle, it would be her last Christmas with us. And we could see her body and mind deteriorating, bit by bit, right in front of us. Christmas of 2009 was equally joyless as we tried to go through the motions of celebrating, but with our hearts so heavy, it was pretty much impossible.

But now, as we approach Christmas 2011, we are gradually finding our JOY again. Not that we don't take steps backwards sometimes, but overall, we find ourselves moving forward. And where does this JOY come from? How can we have JOY when our family still has such a gaping hole in it?

The answer is simple, yet profound. We have JOY because we have HOPE. And isn't that what Christmas is all about really? The Son of God coming to earth as a baby, living as a man, dying as a criminal, and rising again as a Savior ... all to bring us HOPE. HOPE of forgiveness, HOPE of relationship with Him, and HOPE of Heaven when we die. HOPE of being reunited with our children one day. After all, He is the God of HOPE!

"May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in HOPE." Romans 15:13

Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Smile

2011-12-11T17:50:00.001-06:00

Before I start my list, I have to share some news....Our sweet little Glory Girl has met Jesus face to face. She never actually had the opportunity to go home as they had hoped...recurring complications kept her in the hospital until angels carried her to her heavenly home early this morning. I texted her mom with a message of encouragement this morning, not really expecting a reply. Tears filled my eyes when I received this answer from Kerry, "I told Glory as I held her last night that she was going to be with Hannah." And I thought about Hannah meeting Glory as she arrived and carrying her to Jesus. What a beautiful picture of Glory in Glory! Please keep Glory's family in your prayers as they face many difficult days ahead.

And now...back to my list.  Several weeks ago, I posted about Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Sad. For quite awhile now, I've been wanting to add a new post..."Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Smile". As a matter of fact, a couple of weeks ago I actually wrote the entire post, but then lost it when my laptop crashed. Then basketball season began in earnest, and blogging has been on the back burner.

So, I want to make another attempt to share the "Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Smile", even though Hannah has been gone for almost three years now...

1. Her complete lack of athleticism. Hannah definitely took after me in her athletic ability. Oh, she tried. She played soccer, softball and even basketball when she was younger, but just running down the field or across the court required a supreme effort from her. But the best thing was, she knew she wasn't an athlete.  I can't even picture her running without a smile on her face. And that still makes me smile.

2. Her obsessive-compulsive tendencies. From the time she was little and lined up all of her bathtub toys by height along the edge of the tub...until she was old enough to drive and always had to have the volume on her radio set on an even number, her OCD made me smile. And in her honor, I always smile as I set my volume on an even number, too (or a multiple of five, which was also okay with her)!

3. Wearing her sweatshirts. I always enjoy wearing her sweatshirts, even though I'm probably too old to wear clothes from Aeropostale. It's almost like getting a hug from her, and that makes me smile.

4. Her tendency to always lose games. No one enjoyed family game night more than Hannah. But no matter whether it was Mexican train dominoes, Uno, Phase Ten, or Sequence...she invariably lost.  I never could figure out why...she very well may have been the smartest one in the family...maybe she just didn't have that killer instinct. But the fact that she was always ready to play still makes me smile.

5. Sunflowers. Of all the bedrooms Hannah had over the years (we moved often when the girls were growing up), my favorite one had a sunflower theme. We painted the walls a sunny yellow, put up a sunflower border, and got a sunflower comforter. It was such a pretty room, and ever since then, sunflowers have made me smile.

6. Donating blood. Over the year of Hannah's illness, she was the recipient of innumerable units of blood products. I am so grateful for each and every blood and platelet donor who helped contribute to the length and quality of her life. And because of that, I donate blood every time I am eligible.  Donating blood is a privilege that never fails to make me smile.

7. Her irrational fear of geese. When Hannah was little, we used to go to a park in Fort Smith where we could feed the geese and ducks. We'd bring a loaf of stale bread and spend the afternoon. One time, Hannah was holding a bit of bread between her fingers, and a goose nipped the very tips of her fingers as it took the bread from her. She ran to me screaming, and from that point on, she was terrified of geese. We always laughed about that, and the thought of it still makes me smile.

8. Our collection of JOY stuff. A couple of years ago, I decided to start collecting JOY items, as a reminder of the JOY Hannah is experiencing in Heaven right now. Her former bedroom is now our JOY room, and it is our goal to completely fill it with JOY stuff. We also decorate for Christmas with JOY, which helps ease some of the pain of experiencing the holiday without Hannah. In fact, last Sunday afternoon as we were decorating our Christmas tree, we realized that we had far too many JOY items to put on one tree. So, Bethany and I ran out to Wal-Mart and bought another tree. Now we have one tree with all of our traditional family ornaments, and one tree that is completely covered with JOY. Many of these JOY items have been gifts from very special friends, and each and every one of them makes me smile.

9. Her love of cheesy Christmas music. Every year, when it was time to decorate the tree, Hannah would turn the TV to the satellite channel that played the classic Christmas tunes...you know, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Burl Ives, Brenda Lee. And she would turn it up loud, so loud we could barely hear each other talking. Hannah always was what some people call an "old soul"...and her love of cheesy Christmas music still makes me smile.

10. Seeing Hannah in Bethany. When my girls were growing up, they could hardly have looked more different. Hannah was tall, somewhat stocky, with brown, curly hair. Bethany was average height, very slightly built, with nearly white, wispy hair. Hannah had a rather lumbering walk (see #1 above), while Bethany skipped lithely on her toes everywhere she went. If you didn't know they were sisters, you would probably never guess. But now that Bethany is sixteen, I occasionally see glimpses of Hannah in her. Something about the way she walks down the hall, something about the tilt of her head, something about the way she laughs...for the briefest of moments, I'll see or hear Hannah. And that never, ever fails to make me smile.

:-)

Tell About It Tuesday -- Another Awesome App!

2011-11-29T10:17:00.001-06:00

If you've followed this blog for awhile, you know I'm a big fan of Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts". Her basic premise in this book (written in the most beautiful prose I've ever read) is that true joy comes through thanksgiving. And I don't mean "Thanksgiving"...as in the once-yearly event where we gorge ourselves with rich food, watch football, and spend a few brief moments being thankful for our blessings in general. I mean a day-in, day-out lifestyle of thanksgiving, where we recognize and thank God for each and every blessing He brings into our lives, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignificant. The author describes how her life was transformed by simply listing every blessing in her life, up to 1,000 of them. She then started her list all over again.

Reading this book inspired me to start my own list of 1,000 things that bring me joy, and I've even shared many of them on this blog. It can be so easy to get caught up self-pity after suffering a great loss in life, especially when you tend to be an Eeyore like me. This list has served as a reminder to me to look for and appreciate all the good things in life....and we truly are surrounded by them. I've kept my list in a little notebook that I carry in my purse, and if I'm perfectly honest, I often miss writing things down because it's just too much trouble to dig it out from amongst all the other junk in there and then find something to write with. As a result, my list has suffered from neglect.

But...would you believe there's an app for that? It's called "One Thousand Gifts" (what else?) and it's waaaay better than a list scrawled in a notebook. When you first open it, you get a quote from Ann's book (such as "Wherever you are, be fully there"), and then you move on to your list. Adding an item is as simple as typing it in, and here's the coolest part....you can add a photo! So you not only have your list, but you can have pictures of everything on your list. You can also easily share your captured gifts to Twitter, Facebook, and Flickr. How fun is that? As soon as I have time (not sure when that will be!) I'm going to transfer my entire list into this app, and then, hopefully, I will do a better job of keeping up with it.

Oh, and did I mention that this app is free? Yes, FREE! At least it was when I downloaded it a few days ago. I'm not sure if it's available on the Android platform or not, since I'm an iPhone girl. And now....I've got a few minutes. I think I'll go work on my list...

Glory Girl Update

2011-11-24T11:05:00.001-06:00

Here's the latest update on sweet little Glory, posted by her Mom on the "Fight Like a Glory Girl" Facebook page a couple of days ago...

"We could never thank all of you enough for your encouragement, thoughtfulness, and mostly your prayers. I think a little of all of our hearts are breaking today. Every time I get negative news from Glory's doctors, I mourn another piece of the idea I had the moment I found out I was pregnant with her...the idea that she would grow up playing with her sissy...the idea that she would graduate high school, get married, and have babies of her own...even the idea (although possibly in a less conscious manner) that I would die before her. Over the past year, those hopes have been less and less as Glory fights an uphill battle.

I generally do not mention Glory’s medical diagnosis in detail or dwell on her list of defects simply because it is not what defines Glory. What defines her is her smile, the way she loves, the way she is loved by those around her, the way she talks with her eyes, the way she thinks her sissy is the best person in the world… I could go on and on. But I want to list her defects now because I want you to understand how strong (medically) she is… Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, Double Outlet Right Ventricle, Atrioventricular Canal, and Heterotaxy are her heart defects. She was also born with esophageal atresia (the upper portion of her esophagus is not connected to her stomach), tracheophageal fistula, asplenia (she was born without a spleen), and bronchomalacia (her left lung is very underdeveloped and weak). It is important that you understand that she should not have survived one week. I want you to know that her life today is a miracle. I wish she was going to be with us for years and years, but the likelihood of that is getting smaller and smaller. It is worth mentioning here that I do believe that God can heal Glory at any time, but the world we live in is not perfect, and only He knows the future. Glory has already accomplished more in her 16 months than most of us do in 50 years..I could not be more proud of her. Please join me in celebrating her life in the days ahead (even though we don’t know how many)…she is here now…she is still smiling. None of us know what day is our last, so we are going to continue on and enjoy every moment we have with Glory Girl. I could not feel more blessed to be her mother and spend even one more day with her. She is, and has always been, a result of your prayers.

The picture is of her today enjoying watching The Polar Express with Mo-Mo. She has not felt well the past few weeks, but if she has any energy to do anything, she is smiling. :) Please pray for our transition home, for Glory to be happy and comfortable, for us as we make daily decisions about Glory’s care, and for Eliana.

Three things will last forever – faith, hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love. I Corinthians 13:13."

As we all celebrate Thanksgiving today, let us all hug our family members a little bit tighter and squeeze every bit of joy out of our time together. Let us be truly thankful for the blessings of faith, family, and the hope of Heaven.

Tell About It Tuesday -- There's An App For That!

2011-11-15T10:24:00.001-06:00

Wow....Two posts in two days! That hasn't happened in awhile!

Today I wanted to share with you my two new favorite iPhone apps. So if you don't have an iPhone, I guess you can just move on to the next blog....or maybe reading about these apps just might make you decide to take the plunge and get one! I suppose these may be available on the Droid platform, but I really have no idea. All I know is that these are two terrific apps that you might enjoy.

The first is called PrayerMate, and it is a great way to help you organize your quiet time. If you're like me, you have LOTS of people on your prayer list. In particular, I have a long list of people with cancer, and a long list of people who are grieving the loss of their children. I used to keep this list written on a white board, and tried to pray through it each day. It was rather unwieldly, and my prayers for each person were necessarily brief and to be honest, somewhat shallow, as the list just seemed to continue to grow each day. I would also feel bad when a friend would ask me to pray for someone, and I would agree to do so, only to find that by the time I got home to my white board I had forgotten their name! Or maybe I'd pray for them a time or two, and then a new prayer need would come along and I would forget all about them.

Well, this neat little app helps keep me straight. It allows you to enter categories and then put names or items under each category heading. For example, I have categories like "My Family, My Church, Unbelievers, Missions, Those with Cancer, Those with Illnesses, Those Who are Grieving, My Country", etc. Then, under each category I have names or other items. For example, under "My Church", I have listed by name each staff member, then each ministry of the church, such as Celebrate Recovery, Anchor of Hope, the youth group, Upward Soccer, etc. Once you get all the information entered, you can set how many items under each category you want to pray for each day. For example, I have fifty-one names under "Those with Cancer", so each day, I have it set so that three of those names will come up. I can't possibly pray well for 51 people with cancer each day (in addition to other people on my list), but I certainly can pray for three.

After you have all the information entered and the number of category items you want to pray for each day set, the app is very easy to use. It works like flashcards. You simply swipe through, card by card, and pray for each one. It's also very easy to add new categories and new names. So now, when someone stops you in the hallway at church and asks you to pray for their mother who's just been diagnosed with cancer, you can enter her name into your PrayerMate app, and there you go! No more forgetting those important prayer needs. Oh, and did I mention that this app is free? Hang on....never mind. When I got it, it was free, but I just checked the app store and it is now $2.99. Still...that's pretty close to free.

The other app I just found recently and I haven't even been using it a full week yet....but I love it! This one is called Fighter Verses, and it is also $2.99. This is a fantastic app if you want to develop the discipline of Scripture memorization. It is amazing! You can choose to memorize either one or two verses a week, and it provides you with 520 pre-loaded verses, which is two complete five year collections of verses. You can also add any verse you want, just by putting in the reference. You don't even have to type it in there. There are five different Bible translations available...so you can memorize in ESV, NIV, NASB, KJV or a Spanish version. It also has built-in quizzes, where they put blanks in the verses and you tap them to fill them in or select the missing word from a word bank. How many of you remember trying to learn memory verses in Sunday School by writing them out, erasing a few words, and trying to say them? Well, this app does that for you!

There are even verses selected just for children to memorize that include visual cues, AND if you use the ESV version, there are songs to help them learn them. Where, oh where was this app when my children were in AWANA? You can also set your weekly verse as the lock screen on your phone, so you see it everytime you turn on your phone. Pretty awesome, if you ask me. I am really loving this app.

So, there you go...PrayerMate and Fighter Verses. Six bucks well spent, if you ask me. I'll let you go now, so you can go check out the App Store! Happy downloading!!

Monday Mourning -- Ten Things That (Still) Make Me Sad

2011-11-14T14:30:00.000-06:00

As we approach our third holiday season since Hannah went to Heaven, I've been dealing with the now-familiar wave of grief that always seems to come around this time of year. After the loss of a child, there are the big, obvious things that make you sad, like the holidays, your child's birthday, the anniversary of their death, or their empty bedroom ... but there are also little things, things that would seem completely inconsequential to others, but things that must be dealt with on a daily, or nearly daily, basis.

Since I missed this month's Ten on the Tenth (I'm going to blame that on Bethany's basketball schedule), I thought I would list ten things that still make me sad on a daily basis, even though it's been nearly three years since Hannah went to Heaven.

1. Grocery shopping -- Hannah loved Chex Mix and green olives...two things that no one else in the family eats. I used to buy them just for her. She would sit and eat green olives right out of the jar like they were candy. As her health deteriorated and her sense of taste was affected by radiation and chemotherapy, her tastes dwindled to basically three things: Oranges, Michelina frozen fettucini, and Special K with Red Berries cereal. It was not uncommon for her to eat a bowl of cereal, some fettucini, and an orange in the middle of the night in the last month of her life. It makes me very sad to go grocery shopping and not buy any of these things ... I will actually avert my eyes as I walk down the aisles so I don't have to see any of these items.

2. Seeing her high school friends -- I was at our high school football game on Friday night, and watched as her two best high school friends walked by together, laughing and talking. I always feel such a tug in my heart whenever I see her friends from school, knowing that they are home from college for the weekend, spending time with their families. Really makes me miss my girl.

3. Getting out three plates for dinner -- Even after almost three years, I never pull plates out of the cabinet without an awareness that I'm only getting three of them instead of four. The evening we came home from the hospice center after Hannah's death in February of 2009, there was a nice, warm supper waiting for us on the counter from a sweet family in our Sunday School class. Amazingly, we were actually hungry, not having eaten all day, and we decided to sit down and eat. I opened up the cabinet and pulled out four plates. I was pulling four forks out of the silverware tray, when Brad pointed out to me what I was doing. The heartache I felt as I put one of those plates back into the cabinet is repeated every time I get out three plates for dinner.

4. Seeing mothers and daughters together -- Whenever I see mothers and their nearly-adult daughters together, especially shopping, I feel that familiar pang. Hannah and I were great shopping buddies. Of course, she loved it when we shopped for her, but she would also encourage me to shop for myself. She would find outfits for me to try on, and waited patiently while I changed into them and modeled for her. She actually helped bring my wardrobe into the 21st century from the ~~1990s~~ 1980s. I miss those days.

5. Going to Bethany's school events -- Bethany is very active in school and church activities, and I love watching her play basketball, high jump, and cheer. It's one of my favorite things to do. But there's always a sadness that Hannah is not there to cheer her on. I know she'd be in college now and would miss a lot of these events anyway, but she'd be following her activities closely, and would come to anything she was able to. Last week Bethany played in a basketball tournament at Ouachita Baptist University, where Hannah would have been a student, and it would have been so much fun for us to have watched those games together. Hannah was not athletic, and she knew it, but I think that made her appreciate Bethany's athleticism even more. She was definitely her sister's biggest fan, even coming to watch her play basketball in the last month of her life, when she couldn't even walk without assistance. It makes me sad that Bethany doesn't get to hear her voice in the stands cheering her on.

6. Sharing new things with her -- It seems like there's always something I want to tell her or show her, like the beauty of the changing leaves, or a new song by Switchfoot, or the new comforter I found on sale at Kohl's yesterday. I want to show her how much the trees we planted have grown, and show her all the changes that have taken place on her high school campus in the past couple of years. And it seems that if I ever say something like, "I wish Hannah could see this", some sweet, kind, well-meaning person will say, "Oh, she already knows about it." And that's probably true (although with all the beauty surrounding her, does she really pay attention to what's going on here on earth....I'm not really sure about that), but it's not especially helpful when I'm missing her physical presence.

7. The grave -- Thankfully, I don't have to deal with her grave on a daily basis. I know that many bereaved parents get a great deal of comfort from visiting their child's grave, and that is wonderful. There is no comfort for me there...only pain. Her grave is located in a cemetery near the Sullivan family deer camp, which is where we often have family gatherings. It is excruciating to drive right past her grave on the way to a family get-together. Some completely illogical part of my brain feels like we ought to stop, pick her up, and bring her with us. It makes me very sad that we can't.

8. Changing seasons -- For some reason, as one season fades into another, the sadness hits me again. I think maybe it's because the changing seasons are a sign of time passing ... stretching out the number of days since I last saw her, talked to her, held her hand.

9. Her cousins -- Hannah was the oldest of all her cousins by about 3 1/2 years. As a natural-born leader, she was adored by all her younger cousins. She kept them all in line, squelched all the bickering, and served as director and narrator of the annual cousin nativity play at Christmas time. It absolutely breaks my heart to know that three of her cousins will never remember her ... one was almost two when she died, one only three months, and one yet unborn. Their parents have done a wonderful job of making sure they know who Hannah was, but it just makes me so sad that they never had the opportunity to know her.

10. While We're Waiting -- Whenever we have a While We're Waiting event, I always wish I could sit down with her and tell her all about it, and it makes me sad that I can't, because I know she'd enjoy hearing all about it. But then it hits me ... While We're Waiting would not exist if she were here. The Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry would not exist if she were here. The lives that God has used these ministries to touch would remain untouched.

So, why write about the things that make me sad? The other day, I found this quote by Ed Welch: “I find that there are three levels of clarity. When I only think about something, my thoughts are embryonic and muddled. When I speak about it, my thoughts become clearer, though not always. When I write about it, I jump to a new level of clarity.” Wow, can I relate to that quote!

I've been feeling the need lately to clarify for myself what exactly are the things that trigger my sadness. Maybe by specifically identifying them, I can be better prepared for their onslaught. And maybe there's someone reading this who can relate ... who might read these things and realize, like one of the Moms who came to our last While We're Waiting Weekend, that they are not the only one who deals with this kind of stuff on a daily basis.

I've been faciliating the Beth Moore study "Patriarchs" for the last several weeks at our church. In last week's video, she talked about how she had been the victim of sexual abuse of a child, and finally had the opportunity to confront the perpetrator. She described being dismayed and broken-hearted by the fact that he just didn't seem to "get it." He seemed to have no idea (or no concern) how her life had been impacted by his actions. She concluded by stating that even if no one else "gets it", God does. Wow! What a comfort that was to me! Even some of my most illogical thoughts and feelings, He "gets." And even though those things still bring sadness to my heart, it sure helps to know that He cares and understands!

Tell About It Tuesday -- The CureSearch Walk

2011-11-08T19:39:00.001-06:00

Ahhhhhh....It's Tuesday evening and I have nothing to do and nowhere to be! Bethany was supposed to babysit an extremely active 2-year-old boy for a few hours at our house this evening, and honestly, I've been dreading it all day. She's done this before, and he's a sweet little guy. But when you're not used to having a two year old around, and you have no toys for two year olds, and when the two year old's parents are not around to take care of him...and did I mention that he is a extremely active two year old...well, let's just say when I found out late this afternoon that the little fella was sick and wouldn't be coming, I breathed a sigh of relief. OK, maybe I even did a little happy dance. A whole evening with nothing to do!

Nothing to do but blog, that is. Life has been so busy lately, it's been hard to get on and write regularly and I'm hopelessly behind on my blog reading. Basketball season officially got underway last night with the start of a tournament at Ouachita Baptist University. Bethany's team played at 8:30 p.m. (getting us home around 10:30 p.m.) and they won. Lucky us, that means we get to play tomorrow night at 8:30 p.m. And win or lose, we'll play again Thursday night. Then there's the start of football playoffs Friday night. Busy, but fun. And I am so thankful that Bethany has sufficiently recovered from her concussion to be able to play a little bit last night. She was not quite on her game, but she'll get there. God is good.

I've been wanting to share a little bit about the CureSearch Walk for pediatric cancer awareness and funding that we were privileged to be a part of on October 15th. This was the first time this event has ever been held in Little Rock, and we felt it was a huge success.

The morning began at Murray Park in Little Rock, where a ceremony was held to honor the young cancer survivors, and then we walked a 5K. The route took us over the Big Dam Bridge and back. As you can see, the weather was perfect!

When we reached the end of the Big Dam Bridge, there was a banner for all of us to sign, either in honor or in memory of our children. Just take a look at how many children, just from Arkansas, are touched by cancer.

We walked with our friends, Bobby and Amy, whose 5-year-old son Joel went to Heaven in August after a battle with pediatric brain cancer. We got to see several of the families whose children were fighting cancer at the same time that Hannah was. It was wonderful (if somewhat bittersweet) to see those kids growing and thriving. We were also able to visit with Hannah's oncologist for the first time since we walked out of Children's Hospital over two years ago, and it was great to visit with him outside of a hospital setting. He introduced us to his wife, and said that Hannah was the "most beautiful girl he had ever seen." Maybe he says that about all of his patients, but knowing him, I really don't think so. Let's just say I was glad I had my sunglasses on.

Over $50,000 was raised for pediatric cancer research that day. We've got a long way to go to catch up to the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, but it's a start. You know...the breast cancer folks have done an incredible job of raising awareness and funding for their cause. And it's a great cause! I don't think you can find anyone who is not aware of the prevalence of breast cancer in this country. But...I can not tell you how many times I've heard someone (including myself) say, "I had no idea how many children were affected by cancer until my child was diagnosed with it." It's time to get the word out. We are looking forward to being a part of the CureSearch Walk for years to come!

"While We're Waiting Weekend" Wrap-Up

2011-11-07T18:25:00.002-06:00

"Now to Him that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

I think I quoted that same Scripture after our last "While We're Waiting Weekend" for couples, but I just had to use it again. Because once again, God did exceedingly abundantly above all that we could ask or imagine over the course of this past weekend.

You might recall from my post a couple of weeks ago that this weekend almost didn't happen. We were this close (I'm holding my thumb and forefinger a couple of millimeters apart) to canceling this fall's retreat and just waiting until the spring. We had a few couples registered, but things just didn't seem to be falling into place. Several couples who wanted to come had other obligations and were unable to attend. We host couples were all very busy with other things. Maybe God was telling us that this just wasn't the right time...that we needed to just be patient and wait until the spring. We were even bold enough to give God a time limit...if no one signed up in the next 24 hours....there would be no "While We're Waiting Weekend" this fall.

Well, I think God kind of chuckled at that, because within 24 hours, a sweet young widowed mom signed up, and then 24 hours later, He sent another couple. Yes, we got the message loud and clear, and the weekend was on!

And what a weekend it was!

I can never adequately express everything that happened this weekend in words, so I'm going to attempt to illustrate some of it in pictures.

First...Family Farm, our beautiful "home away from home" for the weekend...

Our hosts and hostesses...

Our kids' pictures...

Session time, both inside and outside...

Visiting the animals on the farm...

Going on a hay ride...

Trying out the land skis...Yes, the guys won this time!

Riding the two zip lines...one through the woods and one over the pond!

Taking a break and enjoying the absolutely beautiful weather...

And enjoying a gourmet dinner prepared by Chef Franklin. Here he's making Bananas Foster for dessert....

But as great as all these activities were, they could not hold a candle to the highlight of the weekend. Remember the young widowed mom I mentioned at the beginning of this post...the one who God used to make this whole weekend happen?

Over the course of the weekend, she realized that although she was a Christian, she had not been growing in her faith. She had also never been baptized, and she expressed a desire to be baptized as a symbol of her new commitment to Christ....and she didn't want to wait. Isn't God amazing? So on Sunday morning, after a time of praise and worship, we all walked down to the pond, where Stan May and Brad baptized her in the chilly waters. I share these pictures with her permission.

After the baptism, we had an impromptu surprise party for this sweet mom, whose birthday is coming up this week. We were not only celebrating her birthday...we were celebrating her new commitment to her Lord!

One of our dads also rededicated his life to the Lord while we were there, and I believe every one who came left there with renewed hope for the future and a commitment to honor our children and our Lord by living well while we're waiting to be reunited with them. Just take a look at these smiling faces!

Our next While We're Waiting Weekend for Bereaved Parents is scheduled for April 20-22, 2012 For more information or to register, just go to the While We're Waiting website. Also, please help us spread the word if you know someone who might be interested in attending an event like this!

"While We're Waiting Weekend" Eve

2011-11-03T21:47:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow night will mark the start of our second "While We're Waiting Weekend" for Bereaved Parents. We'll be kicking things off with dinner around 5:30 -- a group of strangers with nothing in common but the indescribable pain of losing a child. Well, no...that's not really the only thing we have in common. We also share faith in God -- a faith, that for many of us, has been shaken and tested by our life experiences. We have lived I Peter 1:6-7: "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (Thank you, Robyn, for reminding me of this passage! Your timing was perfect!)

I want to ask you to pray for this weekend. First of all, that Jesus Christ would receive the praise, glory, and honor as described in I Peter 1:7. Secondly, please pray that this weekend would be a time of refreshment, renewal, comfort, and encouragement as we come together to share our children's lives and to learn from each other. Even though we will be arriving as strangers, I believe we will leave as dear friends. Finally, please pray that God will take care of all those little details that can arise during an event like this. We want to be able to keep the focus where it belongs...on Him and on our guests.

Every time we have one of these While We're Waiting events, I have trouble sleeping the night before. My heart is always filled with a combination of excitement, anxiety, anticipation, inadequacy, exhilaration, and even some fear. Sounds pretty conflicted, huh? So I just have to remind myself that I am but an earthen vessel, and that the excellency of the power is of God, and not of me...a little paraphrase of II Corinthians 4:7. Knowing that you are praying will help me with that...so "Thanks" in advance for your prayers!

One Of Those Weeks....

2011-10-31T16:12:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those weeks? You know, the kind where you just try to make it through each day, thinking there's got to be some light at the end of this crazy tunnel? Well, our family had one of those last week.

It all started with a phone call I received from my husband last Sunday evening. Our Sunday evening schedules are rather crazy...I have handbell practice, my husband is partipating in a study of the book "Radical", and Bethany has been taking part in block parties which have been sponsored by her youth group around the city of Hot Springs. All of these events start and end at different times, so we end up taking three vehicles to church. I had already arrived home and was looking forward to a relaxing remainder of the evening when I received said phone call.

I knew it was Brad calling by the ring tone, but when I said "Hello", all I could hear was a bunch of commotion in the background. As I was trying to piece together what I was hearing, he said, "Hey, Bethany hit her head at the block party, and she's kind of confused." About that time I figured out what the commotion was...It was Bethany, crying, and saying, "What's going on? What's happening to me?" After a few seconds of this, I told him to bring her to the hospital, and that I would meet them there. He quickly agreed and we hung up.

I changed out of my pajama pants (so much for my relaxing evening) and whipped the car out of the garage. I drove to Hot Springs with my flashers on, and Bethany's terrified voice echoing in my ears. Thankfully, I am not someone who "freaks out" easily, and I am able to remain calm even when I'm extremely worried about something. This ability has served me well over the last few years! I arrived at the emergency room at the same time they did, and hugged her in the parking lot. She was scared and completely and totally disoriented. She had no idea why we were going to the hospital or what had happened to her. We got her checked in, while she asked me questions like, "I've been out of town, right?", "Did I miss school today?", and "Am I on break?", all through tears.

As we sat in the waiting room and then later went to a room, she began to calm down a little bit. She showed off her new "watch" (her hospital bracelet!), told all the nurses that she had strep throat, and talked about the dinosaur on her finger (the pulse-ox device). She also insisted that she had been to the eye doctor that day. As far as what had happened to her at the block party, she still had no idea. The doctor recommended a CT scan, which thankfully revealed no bleeding or other problems. After a couple of hours, she was a little more oriented, and they sent us home with a concussion diagnosis, and directions to wake her up every few hours, watch for signs of seizure activity, and to be sure she could move both sides of her body.

OK......With those instructions, I wasn't about to let her out of my sight, so she slept with me that night, while Brad camped out in the guest room. I didn't have to worry about waking her up every few hours, because she basically didn't sleep at all. She talked and talked all night...some of it making sense, and some of it not. By the wee hours of the morning, she finally conked out.

I kept her home from school on Monday, and discovered through our conversations during the course of the day that not only did she not have any memory of the incident the night before, she had very little memory of the events of the last two weeks. She did not remember going to Hannah's grave on her birthday or spending the night with Brittany at the dorm that night. A couple of weeks ago she had hyperextended her big toe in basketball practice and had even been on crutches for a few days...she had no memory of any of that.

On Tuesday, she went back to school with a splitting headache, only to be faced first period with a Trig/Pre-Cal test that she had no memory was coming up. Nor did she have any memory of learning any of the material covered on the test. Needless to say, she bombed the test! On Wednesday morning, she went back to school, only to come home in the early afternoon with a fever of 102 degrees.

We called our doctor, who told us to immediately bring her in. He explained to us the possibility of meningitis occurring after a blow to the head, due to leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. He sent us back over the hospital for another CT scan, which thankfully was good, and did bloodwork, which did not indicate a high white blood cell count, a harbinger of meningitis. So back home we went, with instructions to return the next day for more blood tests.

Her fever was still high on Thursday, her head still pounding, but again her white cell counts were good, so the doctor told us she probably had a very poorly-timed virus, completely unrelated to the concussion she had sustained on Sunday evening. Boy, was he right. Over the next 36 hours, the fever morphed into a full-blown stomach virus, almost sending us back to the ER on Friday night to be treated for dehydration. We decided to give it one more night, and bring her in Saturday morning if she was still sick...but thankfully, she woke up and asked for toast that morning...and things have been on the upswing ever since.

So why am I spilling this whole story to you? I guess it makes me feel better to vent about the week. Like I said, I'm not a "freaker-outter"...I tend to hold my emotions very tightly inside during a crisis situation. And this week felt like one crisis situation after another. Seeing Bethany lying in a hospital bed not making sense, having brain scans done, and wondering what was going to happen next brought back some all-to-familiar feelings. It feels good to let some of that out!

But, in spite of all the nerve-wracking events of the week, some good things came out of it, too. For one thing, we have two clean CT scans of Bethany's brain....a nice reassurance after you've lost a daughter to a brain tumor. It also brought our incredibly busy lives to a grinding halt, and gave us the opportunity to spend some quality time together. Bethany and I had some great conversations this past week, and once the initial crisis passed, we had some really good laughs about her behavior immediately after the concussion. And it was a great reminder of what I talked about in my last post about Glory....that we need to appreciate every moment we have with our loved ones. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

Thankfully, our Savior is with us every step of the way!

A Visit with Glory Girl!

2011-10-28T20:13:00.001-05:00

If you've been following my blog for the last few months, you've already "met" Glory, a precious little girl who was born with extensive heart problems. She has spent most of her 15 months in the CVICU at Arkansas Children's Hospital, with just a few months at home (actually a place they've rented near the hospital). This picture was taken the day before she had her most recent heart surgery. Is that not one of the most precious faces you've ever seen?

Well, I had never actually met Glory or her mom, except online, and decided that a workshop in Little Rock on Monday would give me the perfect opportunity to stop by for a visit. I was nervous about going...after all, I had not been back in the main part of Children's Hospital since the day I left there for the last time with Hannah. And I was afraid I would be in the way...I knew that Glory had had a lot of complications since her last surgery and had been running a high fever for the last couple of days. And I'm an introvert by nature...meeting new people is really not my thing. I wasn't really sure why I was going...just that I really wanted to meet this mother/daughter pair who has inspired me so much.

Turns out that my fears were completely unfounded. Glory's mom, Kerry, immediately put me at ease. We hit it off as if we'd know each other all our lives. Once again, I experienced that bond that forms between believers who have walked similar roads. We talked about what it's like to become isolated from the world as you spend weeks beside your child's hospital bed, what it's like to not have any idea what the next day (or the next minute) holds, and what it's like to be a parent of a child who has an uncertain future.

We both agreed that even when life seems to be spinning completely out of control, there is peace to be found in trusting the Lord. And then she said something that most people could never possibly understand. She said something along the lines of, "Sometimes I look at my life and I wonder how in the world I got here (gesturing at the ICU room around us), and sometimes I look at my life and feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world."

Here we were, standing beside her little Glory, who has tubes and monitors running from every conceivable spot on her body, burning up with fever, and she says she feels like the luckiest person in the world? How can she say that? I think (and I don't mean to put words in her mouth), but I think it's because she has been given The Gift. The Gift of appreciation. The Gift of opened eyes. The Gift of awareness. Appreciation of every moment with those you love. Eyes that have been opened to the beautiful things of life (even in the middle of ugliness). Awareness of the things that are truly important and an ability to see beyond those things that are not. When you have The Gift, it is possible to feel like you are the luckiest person in the world, even when circumstances would make that seem impossible. Thank you, Kerry, for that reminder.

Here is Glory today, with her Halloween bow in her hair. I felt so fortunate that while I was there on Monday, she woke up and smiled at me repeatedly -- a total stranger to her -- giving me several peeks of that little sticky-outy tongue even through all the tape and tubes. She's a sweet, happy baby, completely unaware that her life is any different from any other fifteen-month-old. She is loved, and she knows it.

Her life is different, however. As her name indicates, her life brings glory to God. Her smile and her Mom's smile are proof of His love and faithfulness. And that's why Glory's mom can say that she's the luckiest person in the world.

"But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of my head." Psalm 3:3

Tell About It Tuesday -- "While We're Waiting Weekend" for Bereaved Parents

2011-10-25T19:28:00.000-05:00

Our next "While We're Waiting Weekend" is almost upon us, and we couldn't be more excited about it. And here's the amazing thing ... we were actually on the verge of postponing the weekend until the spring because we didn't have as many couples coming as we had hoped for. In fact, our leadership team got together Sunday afternoon, prayed about that very thing, and decided to give it 24 hours, just to see how we felt that the Lord was leading us. Well, less than 24 hours later, we had a widowed mom who has lost a son ask to come, and then today we had another couple sign up. So, we took that as our answer from God ... the weekend is on! And I honestly will not be surprised if we are completely filled up by the time we start on the evening of November 4th! Forgive us, Lord, for trying to take it out of Your hands!

Following our first couples' retreat in April, I wrote a post telling all about it and shared a whole bunch of pictures. To see that post, click here. If you read that post, you'll see how much fun we had that weekend. Yes, I did say "fun". It doesn't seem possible that a group of strangers, who get together to talk about losing their children, could possibly have fun, but that's exactly what we did. Sure, there were some tears over the course of the weekend, but they were cleansing tears, healing tears. The tears and the laughter we shared that weekend formed bonds between us that remain strong even today.

I'll close tonight's post by sharing what some of our last WWWW attendees had to say about the weekend. And we do still have a few openings for the upcoming retreat, which will be November 4-6, beginning around 5:00 on Friday evening, and ending around 10:00 on Sunday morning. Go to our website for more information or to register.

"I have never felt so connected to a group of people I didn't know. Our personal storms of losing a child had a unique way of bonding us together. It was refreshing to be around people that truly knew how we felt. To hear that others had the same questions we did and faced some of the same problems, it was great to know we weren't alone. From losing a child months ago to several years ago, It was great to see and hear how we can choose to see the good and continue to live by Fully Relying On God and each other! A GREAT weekend with GREAT strides towards healing." -Leightyn's Dad, Fort Smith, Arkansas, WWWW Spring 2011

"I am just so thankful that God gave you two the strength and courage to put this past weekend together!! I know you don't take the credit but I just want to you share with you how much it has changed my views on my life. This weekend enabled me to really grieve the loss of our little girl. God is truly amazing. The WWWW was structured in the perfect way to allow each and every couple a chance to share their own story of their loss of their child. It was inviting and peaceful. God was there each and every minute giving us the strength to share with others the most intimate details that we might not share with everyone. I did not want to go to bed at night but wanted to keep on talking to everyone. We made some life long friendships and connections that only God could have ordained. He was more evident in that 45 hours of being together than any other time that I can recall. This platform was awesome. It was facilitated smoothly and I just know that God has so much more to unveil in the future WWWWs. It was a perfect mixture of sharing, crying, laughing, talking, and relaxing that we all needed which, of course, God knew. We are forever changed and forever grateful for a loving, powerful, caring God that we all serve." -Lily's Mom, Hot Springs, Arkansas, WWWW Spring 2011

"For a long time after the loss of my daughter, Lily, I was convinced that if I were to speak too much about her I would be burdening people with my grief. God knew my heart and I believed that would be enough for me to understand and handle the feelings experienced with the loss. So, sharing my story with a group of people wasn't something I had expected to sign up to do, but apparently my wife did. During the retreat, however, I quickly learned I had been wrong. God had put these people in front of me with their stories, and instead of feeling as if I was burdening them with my pain, I realized these people were a blessing, and were willing to put their shoulders under the weight of my loss. The collective experience of sharing, praying, and teaching each other through our own experience has created an extended family of loving people that can sympathize with me, and for that I thank God (and my wife.) Now, I constantly pray for the families willing to let me into their grief, and for the children we are waiting to see. I am sure my daughter has babysitters in Heaven, and I know I am cared for on earth. The While We're Waiting Weekend was a celebration of the many wonders of God in our lives." -Lily's Dad, Hot Springs, Arkansas, WWWW Spring 2011

"As we loaded up the car to head east, if I am honest there were a lot of mixed emotions going on...

1. Malvern Arkansas is 4 1/2 hours away.
2. We were going to be spending the weekend with complete strangers.
3. We knew we was going to be sharing our daughters journey through cancer that hurts so bad.

I will just say in few words that the above statements WERE all true on Friday as we pulled out of the driveway, but if I'm honest all that was proved wrong by the time I went to bed Friday night. The weekend for me personally was amazing and I know God was all in it with each of us. The Family Farm is incredible. MOMMA MAY AND DADDY MAY are some of the most authentic people I have ever met. The weekend was structured well and organized in my eyes perfectly.

Did we cry? Yes
Did we laugh? Yes
Did we rejoice in H O P E? Yes
Did we feel like family? Yes.
We are excited about going to the next WWWW.

Thank you for a great weekend.
Thank you for loving on us.
Thank you for understanding.

My wife and I have been ignited and on fire to bring others H O P E like the WWWW brought us." -Laurren's Dad, Forney, TX, WWWW Spring 2011

"I walked into this retreat feeling numb, empty, struggling with isolation and feeling disconnected from God. As the weekend came to a close, I regained my hope that there is a tomorrow and gained so much wisdom to understand that our children who are now in Heaven WANT US TO HEAL and that we should never waste a storm, even as tragic as this. Such profound words that impacted me so deeply. We walked into the weekend as strangers with not many expectations but we walked away as one large family, forever changed because of the love and grace that only comes from God as Brad and Jill Sullivan opened their lives to us all. The weekend was peaceful, well structured, and every moment of the weekend seemed to refuel my soul and allow me to release so much grief and renew my relationship with Christ. What a powerful, uplifting weekend. Thank you Brad and Jill, and thank you to all the families who held hands to pray together, laugh together, cry together and most importantly, share our faith together to know that there is HOPE in tomorrow. We love and miss you guys." -Laurren's Mom, Forney, Texas, WWWW Spring 2011

Dear Hannah Joy...

2011-10-23T22:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Hannah My Joy,

Whew! We've made it through another birthday without you here. This year, we've been so incredibly busy, I honestly didn't have time to really think much about your upcoming birthday until the night before. It's not like it used to be, you know, when I thought about it for weeks in advance ... planning a party, inviting your friends, choosing just the right gifts that I knew you'd love ... I haven't shopped for your birthday for three years now. And I can't help but remember your 17th birthday. The doctor had already told us that there was a less than five percent chance you'd ever see your 18th birthday. How unreal it was to buy birthday gifts for you that year, knowing what the doctor had said, while still praying for a miracle!

We spent the day yesterday doing things we knew you would enjoy. I made your all-time favorite birthday cake -- Mississippi Mud -- and we had tacos, cheese dip, and cake while we watched the Razorbacks beat Ole Miss. I know you remember Houston Nutt ... he's coaching for Ole Miss now, and the Hogs coach is Bobby Petrino. I think you'd really enjoy watching the Razorbacks this year. They're ranked 9th in the nation, and their quarterback is pretty cute! :)

When the Hogs finally put the game away in the fourth quarter, we headed to Briggsville. We were so happy to have Brittany come along with us this year. You'd be so proud of Brittany. She is a sophomore at Ouachita now, and is a speech pathology major. She pledged Tri Chi last spring, and was in Tiger Tunes this year. She really misses you, though, and I know she wishes you were her roommate, like you two had always planned. Anyway, she had never been to Briggsville before, so after we spent some time at your grave, we took a four-wheeler ride and gave her a tour of the whole place. We took her by all the deer stands, and down to the Rock Hole. It was really a pretty evening for late October, but the gnats were terrible! We figured out pretty quick that we didn't need to try to talk to each other while we were riding, if you know what I mean!

Last night I read over the letter I wrote to you last year on your birthday. So much has happened since then! Let me get you caught up just a little bit....

Remember last year, when I told you that you'd have to look up to Bethany now...that she was 5'10" tall? Well, she is now an even six feet, and still growing. Who would've thought it when she was such a little thing for so long? Comes in handy for basketball and track, though! They should have a great basketball season this year. I know you'd love watching her play! She has her driver's license now, and we got her a cute little 2006 Honda Civic that she drives all over the place. She got her letter jacket and ordered her class ring a few weeks ago. I'll never forget the day you got your letter jacket and ordered your class ring ... that was the same day we found out your cancer had returned with a vengeance. I have to say it's been a little weird going through all the "junior in high school" experiences with her, when your junior year of high school was so out of the ordinary. You'd be very proud of Bethany. She's had to grow up fast, and she misses you terribly. There are times that a girl just needs her sister to talk to -- Mom just won't do. She's really had to learn to depend on the Lord.

Dad and I have become very close to Larry and Janice Brown, who lost their son, Adam, in Afghanistan about a year after you went to Heaven. I imagine you and Adam have already become acquainted. I bet he's a great guy....I'm really looking forward to meeting him someday myself. Anyway, we believe God has put us together with the Browns for a reason. We have started hosting weekend retreats for bereaved parents, and we call them "While We're Waiting" Weekends. We've had a couples' retreat, a dads' retreat, and two special moms' days. We absolutely love hosting these events, where we parents have an opportunity to share about our children, discuss our common experiences and emotions, and talk about how we're going to live for the Lord while we're waiting to be reunited with you all.

We also spend a lot of time just visiting with parents who have lost children, whether they come to retreats or not...we just really enjoy talking to other moms and dads who have experienced what we have. I always feel like when we meet bereaved parents here on earth, that you meet their children in Heaven. I don't know if that's true or not, but I like to imagine that it is. And if it is true, then just in the past year you've met Zane, Leightyn, Timothy, Lily, Laurren, Robert, Zach, Kaitlyn, Matt, Michael, Ann, Vicki, Joel, Hudson, Glendon, Charly, Eric, Trina, Lauren, Morgan, Maddie, Jill, Hope, Gabriel, Lilly, Micah, David, Levi, Lydia, Annabella, and Vincent. Every one of these young lives is precious, and deeply missed by those of us still here on earth.

Back to yesterday...Of course, we miss you every day, but we REALLY missed you yesterday. Visiting your grave is NOT how we would have chosen to celebrate your twentieth birthday. As beautiful as your gravesite is, it is an extremely poor substitute for your physical presence. I still find very little peace at that rocky mound.

But I know that you are not there...and for that I am so thankful! How could I ever walk away from that spot if I didn't have that assurance? And in spite of the grief that still dogs my every step and colors my every thought, I know that there are good things yet to come in this life ... things to look forward to and enjoy ... joys to experience and life to live ... all while looking ahead to the day when the waiting will be over and we'll be together for eternity. Can't wait for that day, sweetheart!

I Love You,

Mom

Tell About It Tuesday -- "WWWW for Dads" Report

2011-10-11T16:29:00.000-05:00

Well, the first "While We're Waiting Weekend for Dads" is in the book, and from all accounts, it was a huge success. The guys all arrived at the farmhouse in Briggsville on Friday evening after work, and things officially kicked off with a huge country breakfast on Saturday morning. They spent the day sharing their kids' stories...

...riding 4-wheelers, finding arrowheads, and sitting around the pond eating lunch and talking...

...climbing up in deer stands and taking pictures of wildlife (sorry, don't have any of those to share); and then having a steak dinner waiting for them when they got back to the house. Brad's dad and brother did a great job of cooking for the guys and waiting on them throughout the weekend.

After dinner, I'm told they stayed up until nearly midnight discussing various topics they all face as Dads who have lost children. The weekend wrapped up on Sunday morning, with a time of reflection on how they can live their lives for the Lord while they're waiting to be reunited with their children in Heaven.

What an awesome group of Dads...Dads who love and miss their children and are traveling a road they would never have chosen to travel, but who are determined to honor their kids and their Lord by living with purpose while they're waiting!

**The next "While We're Waiting Weekend for Dads" is scheduled for May 4-6, 2012. Click here for more information or to register!**

Ten on the Tenth -- 10 Things My Parents Did Right

2011-10-10T19:13:00.000-05:00

In honor of my parents' 52nd wedding anniversary, which happens to be today, I've decided to dedicate this month's Ten on the Tenth post to the things they did right while raising my two brothers and me. Now, let me hasten to say that when I was a kid, I wasn't so sure that they were doing all of these things right. In fact, I was pretty sure they were dead wrong on a couple of these! But with age comes wisdom, right? And as I've been a parent myself for nearly twenty years now, I've realized that they actually were right about a lot of things. So, without further ado ... Ten Things My Parents Did Right.

1. They had us at church every time the doors were open. There was never a question about whether or not we were going to church ... it was just understood that we were going. My love for the body of Christ was developed through all that time spent in the pews as a child.

2. They gave us freedom to roam as children. We always lived in country settings, and I would head outside in the morning, come in for some lunch, and head back out until nearly dark. I would ride my bike for miles, wander through the woods, build forts out of sticks, make cities out of mud, swim, paddle our canoe around, catch turtles, or play on the balance beam my brother fashioned out of a fallen tree. To my knowledge, they never worried about me, and I had absolutely no fear of being kidnapped or being accosted by a sexual predator. Yes, that was a different time, but I think the children of today have missed out on so much because we have tended to over-protect them and even made them afraid to explore on their own. Sadly, that's sometimes necessary these days.

3. We ate supper together as a family nearly every night, and we almost always had dessert! Even as we got into our busy teenage years, I still remember us sitting down together as a family to eat together several times a week. Going out to eat was an extremely special and uncommon treat, and fast food was rarely a substitute for a home-cooked meal.

4. They limited our TV viewing. Of course, we only got three channels through most of my growing-up years, but there were several shows that were off-limits in our home ... Three's Company, The Love Boat, even Bewitched come to mind. Of course, I was too busy playing outside to really care too much about TV!

5. They encouraged us to fight our own battles. If there was some sort of conflict with a classmate, a teacher, a boss, whoever...they did not immediately step in and intervene on our behalf. They encouraged us to work it out, to solve it on our own. In my opinion, too many parents today try to "fix" everything for their kids, never allowing them the freedom to try and possibly fail, learning valuable lessons from those failures.

6. They encouraged us to get jobs in high school. I started working at a real estate office stuffing envelopes when I was fourteen years old. I worked there all through high school and even worked there in the summers while I was in college. Even after I got married, I worked there on occasion. I loved earning my own money and the independence that gave me. It also taught me the value of a dollar and the importance of saving money for what I wanted.

7. They made us buy our own cars. Because of the $3.35 an hour I was pulling in at the real estate office, I was able to put some money down and make monthly payments on a 1977 Chevy Monza. What a car! It was sporty-looking, midnight blue, had a very temperamental fuel pump, and it was all mine! I loved it.

8. They taught us to respect adults. We always called our parents' friends "Mr. or Mrs. Last Name"...Never "Ms. Jill" or "Mr. Brad". Not that there's anything particularly wrong with that, and I do think that type of address is more typical of the southern culture than the north woods of Wisconsin where we grew up. But I do feel that the formality of addressing adults that way encouraged us to respect our elders.

9. They taught us to tell the truth. I will always remember when I told a lie in Kindergarten that rapidly spread out of control. When I finally confessed my transgression to my parents, my mother personally brought me to each person who was involved, including my teacher, and had me tearfully confess the truth to them. That was a lesson I never forgot.

10. Finally, they demonstrated what a good marriage is all about. For fifty-two years, they've faithfully upheld their marriage vows, while they've raised three children, moved residences across the country, owned a variety of businesses, had a brush with breast cancer, sent one son off to Indonesia, and lost their oldest granddaughter. Through all the changes over the years, their relationship has remained constant. We never had to wonder if our parents were going to stay together like many of our friends did. We knew they would always be together...and they still are.

So, there you have it...Ten Things My Parents Did Right. No, they didn't do everything right, and Brad and I certainly don't either. None of us do. But if God is at the center of your marriage, I think you're going to do a lot more right than you do wrong. So I guess that makes 11 things my parents did right!

Tell About It Tuesday -- "While We're Waiting" Weekend for Dads

2011-10-04T13:48:00.001-05:00

I am so excited today to tell you about our very first "While We're Waiting" Weekend for Dads, which is coming up this weekend, October 7-9. Brad and I and our friends, Larry and Janice Brown, have been spending the last few weeks preparing for this event, and I just have to say that it's going to be awesome.

The Sullivan family owns several hundred acres in the tiny town of Briggsville, Arkansas, which is located in Yell County. You've probably never heard of it. According to Wikipedia, the entire county has a population of only 22,185 people, and the population of Briggsville is a grand total of 114 people. So yeah, it's a pretty rural area. This is where Brad and Bethany do most of their deer hunting, and where our family "picture in the road" was taken. There is a four bedroom house on the property that used to belong to Brad's aunt, and when she passed away, it became the "hunting lodge." That's where the guys will be hanging out this weekend.

They're going to be gathering on Friday evening, with no specific arrival time since they all have different work schedules. The plan is to spend Friday evening just hanging out, snacking, and getting to know each other a little bit. Things will really kick off on Saturday morning, with a big country breakfast, followed by a time of sharing their children's stories. They'll take a break mid-morning and spend some time riding 4-wheelers on the numerous trails around the property. If they're lucky, they might even spot a few arrowheads where the soil has been plowed up around the recently planted foot plots.

They'll have lunch beside one of the ponds on the property, and then spend the rest of the afternoon finishing up sharing their children's stories. In the late afternoon, the guys are going to pair up and sit on deer stands around the property, armed with digital cameras. They'll be instructed to basically take pictures of anything that moves, and prizes will be given for the guys who take a picture of the biggest wildlife (whether that's a deer, a wild hog, or possibly even a bear) and for the guys who take pictures of the biggest variety of wildlife. Larry is bringing his laptop, so they will be able to download all their pictures for viewing and judging.

By the time they return to the house, a steak dinner with all the trimmings will be ready for them. After dinner, they'll spend the remainder of the evening discussing issues they all face as bereaved dads, and then hit the sack. Sunday morning will start out with another delicious breakfast, and the weekend will wrap up with a worship time and a presentation about how Dads can live well while they're waiting to be reunited with their children in Heaven.

Sounds pretty awesome, doesn't it? If you know a bereaved Dad who might enjoy spending a weekend with a bunch of guys who share both his faith and his experiences, send him to the While We're Waiting website, and have him register. There's only room for one more Dad for the upcoming weekend, but Brad and Larry will be hosting another Dad's event the weekend of May 4-6, 2012, and he might want to go ahead and reserve his spot now. Should be good fishing that weekend!!

Monday Mourning -- October Again

2011-10-03T14:21:00.000-05:00

Before I start in on "October Again", let me give you just a brief update on Miss Glory. She has done well since her surgery, although she has remained sedated this whole time. Following the surgery, her chest was left open to allow for any swelling, and she is doing well enough that the surgeon is closing her up today. She will continue to need our prayers in the days ahead, though, and if you're on Facebook, you can follow her progress on her "Fight Like a Glory Girl" page.

So, back to October. There are so many things I love about this season of the year...the cooler weather, the falling leaves, my favorite hoodies, the colors of fall, and let's not forget the candy corn! But I don't have quite the same relationship with fall as I used to have. Now when I flip the calendar to October, I begin to feel very Eeyore-ish. Even though I'm surrounded by things I enjoy, my heart just sinks a little as I look ahead into the next three months.

Tomorrow is Brad's birthday...something we always enjoy celebrating with a trip to our favorite restaurant...Outback! But as much as we enjoy celebrating family birthdays together, they are just not the same when there's such a gaping hole in our family. Anytime there's a family occasion, the sharp knife of Hannah's absence inflicts fresh pain. Hannah absolutely loved getting together with the family, whether it was just the four of us, or our rather large extended family...and it's just not the same without her.

The 22nd of October is Hannah's birthday...and she would have been turning 20 years old this year. What a milestone in a young woman's life! It's so hard to imagine that we'll be observing her 20th birthday without her...and that this will be her third birthday in Heaven. And while I don't begrudge her those heavenly birthdays, I sure wish she was going to be here to help us eat the Mississippi Mud cake I'll be baking in her honor on October 22nd!

November and December will bring more family gatherings...and I've just told you how I feel about that. We'll continue to seek out new holiday traditions in an effort to make these events more palatable.

Now, I really don't mean for this to sound all doom and gloom. Compared to the first time I turned the calendar to October after Hannah's death -- Well, there's no comparison. That first year, I literally felt physically sick from October through December. And then that sickness started back up again in February, the month that marked the anniversary of her death. Since then, I've learned a few things...

1. The anticipation of a birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc., is almost always worse than the actual date once it arrives.

2. It is still possible to enjoy these events...not only that, it's okay to enjoy these events. Laughing, smiling, relaxing, and enjoying your remaining family is not a betrayal of your loved one...it's a very valid way to honor their memory and the joy they brought to your life.

3. It's also okay not to enjoy every minute of these events. As a matter of fact, it's pretty safe to say you won't. I've learned to be patient with myself and acknowledge that I have suffered a very deep loss, and that my emotions may not always be predictable or under control.

4. I know now that there are still things to look forward to and joy to be found. I really couldn't see that when I was deep in that first year of grief, but I do see it now. God is good, and He has much good in store for each of us ... but if we are too blinded by our own grief and sorrow, we can't see it.

So, it's October again. As I look ahead into the next three months, I am going to make a conscious choice to keep my eyes open, because I don't want to miss a single one of God's good gifts.

Thoughtful Thursday -- Sigh...

2011-09-29T21:05:00.000-05:00

"But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my GLORY, the one who lifts my head high." Psalm 3:3

This is Glory, and her mom, Kerry. I've written about Glory before. She's a little over a year old, and has spent most of her life in the cardiovascular intensive care unit. She was born with inadequate pulmonary arteries, and she has undergone multiple surgeries in an attempt to get them to grow. Today she underwent a full day of surgery to replace two shunts in her heart in an attempt to increase the blood flow to these arteries. The surgery has finally ended for today, but her oxygen saturation remains low, and even as I write this, her parents are meeting with the surgeon to find out what their next step will be. My heart is aching for this mom and dad as they have watched their sweet little one go through so much in her young life.

Sigh....

Just this week, I heard about yet another precious little girl here in Arkansas who lost her battle with cancer. As a matter of fact, the other day I sat down and started to make a list of the children I know by name who are either battling cancer right now, or who have gone to Heaven over the last 2 1/2 years due to cancer. The list became so long, I finally just had to stop.

Sigh...

Every day as I go to work as a speech pathologist/reading therapist, I encounter children who break my heart. They come to school dirty, wearing clothes that are several sizes too small or too big, and so many are clearly starving for affection that they are not receiving at home.

Sigh...

You know, after awhile this kind of stuff can really get you down. You begin to wonder where God is when children suffer.

So I was really thankful for the reminder I got this week as I prepared for last night's "Patriarchs" Bible study. Beth Moore closed the video with this statement: "Our comfort can be this: What is not sorted out here and now is sorted out then and there."

I don't know about you, but that really is a comfort to me. God is not asleep, He is not indifferent, He is not unloving. He is on His throne, He doesn't miss a thing, and He will make it all right in the end. And for that, I am thankful.

OBU BlogAbout -- What OBU Means to Me

2011-09-27T16:49:00.000-05:00

OK, so I've pretty much been an OBU BlogAbout drop out. I started out with good intentions...I really did...but I've only actually contributed one post this entire month. Yes, I know the requirement to post just on Tuesdays was really not asking too much, but I couldn't even manage to pull that off! I'm going to try to make up for that today by sharing how attending OBU from 1984-1988 impacted my life.

I grew up in a Christian home, had been in church all my life, was a dedicated member of my youth group in high school, but had never really stood on my own two feet as a Christian until I came to OBU. For the first time ever, it was solely up to me to decide whether I was going to get up and go to church on Sunday, who I was going to associate with, and whether or not I was even going to hold on to the faith of my youth. Yes, there were some Sundays that I chose to worship at Boxsprings Baptist, especially in those early weeks of freedom, but I quickly realized that I needed the fellowship of other believers to keep me strong.

I remember going to Richwoods Baptist Church one Sunday when Craig Price, the pastor at that time, preached on Psalm 34:10..."The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." Did you catch that? "Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." That meant if that cute boy I met at Walt's never called me, he must not be a "good thing." Or if I couldn't get into that class I wanted next semester, it must not be a "good thing." I can't tell you how many times I applied that verse to different situations that arose in my life. It was my first real introduction to the concept of God's sovereignty.

Of course, I had no idea at that time how important the concept of God's sovereignty would become to me in the future. Twenty-four years later, when my 16-year-old daughter, who had always dreamed of going to OBU someday, was diagnosed with cancer, I was able to rest in the knowledge that nothing was outside the sovereignty of God. Not that it was easy....placing her life into God's hands was one of the hardest things I've ever done...but I was prepared to take that step, partly due to the foundation that had been built while I was a student at Ouachita.

Today, when I visit OBU's campus, I experience a real bittersweetness. I have so many wonderful memories from my time there...listed in my one and only other BlogAbout post a few weeks ago...but I feel a deep sadness that my daughter, Hannah, is not there. She would have started her sophomore year a few weeks ago, but instead she is sitting at the feet of Jesus. And I have to remind myself that as nice as OBU's new dorms are...they ain't got nothin' on Heaven!

So, happy 125th, OBU! You'll never know how God uses you to impact the lives of your students.

Monday Mourning -- While We're Waiting Moms' Day

2011-09-26T20:02:00.001-05:00

Ahhhhh....Another evening at home with no place to go. The perfect opportunity to tell you about our most recent While We're Waiting Moms' Day.

If you've followed this blog for awhile, you've heard about "While We're Waiting" before. WWW is a ministry to bereaved parents, and you can read more about it here. Basically, my husband and I, along with another couple, host retreats for Moms, Dads, and couples who have lost children. We hosted our first couples' retreat last April, and have another one scheduled for the first weekend in November. Our first Dads' retreat is coming up October 7-9 (more about that in a future post) and we hosted our first Moms' Day back in June. These retreats provide an opportunity for Christian parents to meet each other, talk about their children, and discuss issues that grieving, but believing, parents face on a daily basis....all in a safe environment, where they can share whatever is on their hearts without fear of being misunderstood or judged.

So, we had our second Moms' Day this past Saturday. We have our Moms' Days at my friend Janice's lovely home overlooking Lake Hamilton in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Our desire is to provide these ladies with beautiful, comfortable surroundings, delicious food, and a time to feel pampered and loved. Each Mom is given the opportunity to share her child's story, and then she is lifted up in prayer by the group. We also spend time discussing a variety of topics that grieving Moms deal with on a daily basis. In the afternoon, a massage therapist comes and gives each Mom a 30-minute private massage, and the highlight of the day is a 5-course gourmet dinner, prepared and served by our own private chef!

There were five sweet Moms who came last Saturday. Another Mom had signed up, but she got sick the night before and was unable to come. As in our previous Moms' Day, their stories varied...from losing a child prior to birth, to losing a premature twin several days after birth, to losing a young child to cancer, to losing a grown child to cancer...and one Mom had even lost her child to murder. One Mom had lost her son just a month ago, and one Mom had lost her daughter over twenty years ago.

But once again, as different as our stories and experiences were, we discovered that we had an incredible bond as bereaved Moms. When you're a bereaved Mom yourself, you find yourself fascinated by other Mom's stories of their children. And the bond that forms is almost instantaneous...It's a God thing -- that's all I can say. As we shared our experiences on into the afternoon, a couple of the Moms forfeited their opportunity for a massage...they didn't want to leave the discussion!

Around 4:30, our chef arrived, and at 5:00, we sat down to an amazing dinner. The last time we had a Moms' Day, the food was excellent, and I honestly did not think that Chef Franklin could do any better than that. In fact, I would have been very pleased if he had just prepared the same exact meal. But no, he wanted to do something different...and although I wouldn't have thought it possible, he actually outdid himself!

Like last time, I took some pictures. You'll have to forgive me, though...a couple of times I got so excited about eating that I forgot to take a picture until I had already taken a bite or two! So, if these dishes don't look quite as good as last time, it's my fault, not Chef Franklin's!

First, a shot of the beautifully appointed fall table...

The appetizer was melon balls with proscuitto in a sugar-rimmed glass. Hard to imagine that combination, I know, but trust me, it was amazing!

The salad was an iceberg lettuce wedge topped with raspberries, almond slivers, cucumbers, tomatoes, and a basalmic-type dressing (can't remember exactly what he called it)....This is one of those that I started eating before photographing. It was delicious.

The intermezzo (to cleanse our palates) was a combination of three sorbets...black cherry, pomegranate, and mango. I'm not really sure if it was meant to be this melty (it wasn't last time), but it didn't affect the taste at all. In fact, if I wasn't trying to be a proper hostess, I would have turned the bowl up and slurped every last drop.

Next up was the entree. This was a chicken breast covered with a red and green pepper sauce that was absolutely amazing (and I don't even like peppers), along with a wild rice pilaf with sun dried tomatoes, and sliced zucchini and yellow squash.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, it was time for dessert. Dessert was fried ice cream on top of a soft sugar cookie, and covered with a bananas foster sauce. Can't you just taste it? Yeah, I took a couple bites of this one before photographing it, too.

Yes, the food was amazing, but that wasn't the best part of the day. The best part was spending time with other Moms who understood our sorrows and our joys, our tears and our laughter. And now we have a new group of friends that we know will continue to lift us up in prayer in the days ahead. I'll close by sharing (with permission) what one Mom said to me in an email after she got home...

"I told you Saturday, I thought of every reason in the world not to come but at the same time I knew I was going to. Making plans and telling my family I was coming and trying to talk myself out of it at the same time.. I think one of the things that comforted me Saturday was I came away thinking that God gave me 34 years with my son and I am so thankful. I got to see him graduate, go to college, have a family and become a wonderful adult. So many of you mothers never had that opportunity. I felt so comfortable in Janice's home and with all my new friends. I could have stayed for days and never run out of things to talk about with all of you. Hope I didn't talk too much! Thanks for this wonderful ministry. It was a day I will never forget." ~Glendon's Mom

Oh, one more thing...Our next While We're Waiting Moms' Day is scheduled for January 28th! Spread the word!

Thoughtful Thursday -- A Great Story

2011-09-22T21:34:00.000-05:00

Wow...It's Thursday again, and I haven't posted since last Thursday. Maybe that's because I haven't had an evening at home since that day! And I'm so tired tonight, I can barely keep my eyes open as I type!

I have so much I want to write about, mainly about our "While We're Waiting" events. We had our WWW Mom's Day this past Saturday, and it was another amazing day. We had a fantastic group of Moms, and wow, did we have some good discussion time. I'm looking forward to sharing more about that...including the obligatory pictures of the incredible food we had to eat...but not tonight.

I also can't wait to tell you all about the While We're Waiting Weekend for Dads we have coming up October 7-9. We spent the whole day on Wednesday (we were out of school because of parent/teacher conferences the night before) in Yell County planning for this retreat. Brad and Larry have some great ideas for this event...all stuff that men are going to just love...and I can't wait to tell you all about all of it...but not tonight.

No, I want to save all of that stuff for sometime when I'm fully awake and feeling a little more coherent. For tonight, I just want to share something that Beth Moore said in the introductory video for her Patriarchs study. It made me think, and that's what Thoughtful Thursday posts are supposed to be all about.

She said, "Easy lives don't make great stories. Your life in Christ was meant to be a great story."

Hmmmm....I like that. I want my life to be a great story, and I bet you do, too. Why do we want our lives to be great stories? Because that's our testimony...that's what God uses to draw others to Himself. It makes it a little easier to accept the difficulties in life when you know that God can use them for His glory.

And that's all I've got for tonight. Good night! :)

Thoughtful Thursday -- A Heavy Heart

2011-09-15T21:17:00.001-05:00

My heart is heavy tonight as I pray for a young lady from our local area named Morgan. Morgan was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in December of 2010 and has fought an incredibly brave fight for nearly a year now ... and the battle has suddenly grown much more intense.

I have not personally met Morgan, but she is my Facebook friend. She friended me because she knew Hannah's story. Up until just about a week ago, she would post every morning, "Good morning, Facebook! Hope everyone has a good day!" This from a little girl facing the monster of cancer and all that goes with it.

My sorrow is not really for Morgan, because she is going to be just fine, whether God chooses to heal her here or in Heaven. My heaviness of heart is for those who would miss out on the brightness of her smile and the sweetness of her spirit. For the world that would never get to know what contribution she might have made. And mostly, for her family, who would miss her more than words could ever say. "Miss" is not even the right word for it, but I have concluded that the English language does not contain an adequate word for how a bereaved family member misses a child.

Morgan is especially partial to ladybugs, and it's been amazing to see Facebook light up with ladybugs in support of her over the last couple of days. I really don't think I'll ever see a ladybug again without thinking of Miss Morgan and her courage.

Please join me in praying for Morgan and her family. Of course, earthly healing is what we would all choose for her. But if that is not to be, this family is going to need lots of prayer to get through the difficult days ahead. And I can assure you from personal experience, those prayers really do make a difference. I don't believe we would have survived as we have without the prayers of God's people.

Please be sure and hug your kids a little tighter, be fully grateful for every blessing you receive, and don't waste time complaining about the little annoyances of life. And don't ever miss an opportunity to show the love of God to a hurting world.

****Update -- Morgan was eternally healed in the wee hours of Saturday morning, September 17th. Please continue to pray for her family in the days ahead.****

Three Things I'm Looking Forward To...

2011-09-11T15:37:00.002-05:00

1. Let me introduce you to two beautiful girls. Meet Katie Joy and Julia Brooke. They are my nieces who live in Indonesia...the ones we haven't seen in over two years now. They were born exactly two years apart, and their parents jokingly say that one is made out of rubber and one is made out of china. Can you tell which one is which just by looking at them? I bet you can!

Katie and Julia (and their parents, of course) will be coming to Arkansas in January!! My brother, who is a pilot with Mission Aviation Fellowship has to come back to the States for some training, and they will be here for a few months. Most of that time will be spent in Idaho, but we'll take whatever time we can get with them!

2. Starting this Wednesday night, I'll be leading the Beth Moore Bible study, "The Patriarchs." Well, technically, I guess Beth will be leading it...I'll just be facilitating it. I've been studying the materials over the past few weeks, and it's going to be an excellent study. If you live in the area and don't have a church commitment on Wednesday nights, I'd love for you to come. It will be from 5:45 to 7:15 at Hot Springs Baptist Church, and will last for 11 weeks. We'll be doing the introductory session this week. I'm really looking forward to it!

3. This Saturday, we'll be hosting our second "While We're Waiting" Mini-Retreat for Bereaved Moms. Six precious Moms are coming for a day of pampering, Christian fellowship, and encouragement. We had our final planning meeting at Janice's house Thursday evening, and we left there so energized and encouraged ourselves. There are two wonderful ladies who have contributed their time and God-given talent to decorate Janice's already-lovely home just for this event....the fall theme they have chosen is just beautiful. There could not be a more perfect setting for our time together. I literally cannot wait to spend the day with these Moms on Saturday!

So, there you have it...three things I'm really looking forward to. You know, when you're in the deepest, darkest days of grief, it's hard to imagine you'll ever look forward to anything again. So I am very, very thankful for things to look forward to!

Ten on the Tenth -- Memories of 9/11

2011-09-10T14:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Bethany came home from school and told me all about the video she had seen in her American History class about 9/11. She described watching the planes hit the Twin Towers and the people jumping to their deaths from the upper floors, and how terribly sad it made her feel. Then she said something that shocked me. She said, "I've never seen a lot of that before." In my kindest, most loving Mom voice (...ahem...), I replied, "What are you talking about? Of course you have!" And she said, "No, I really haven't!"

That got me to thinking. How had she not seen the horrific news footage from that day? It's not like she doesn't know about what happened on 9/11. Yesterday afternoon we talked about how she remembered, even as a first grader, the reactions of the teachers in her school that day...the white faces, whispering voices, and teary eyes. She's grown up all her life in the shadow of that day, as all of our children have.

But as I thought last night about what she said about not having seen that footage before, I realized why that was probably true. At the time of 9/11, Hannah was in fourth grade, and she was such a worrier. She had a lot of rather irrational fears, and I knew that if she saw the chaos and terror pouring into our living room through the TV screen, she would be convinced that the next airplane was going to come down on Briarwood Drive in El Dorado. So we very consciously chose to limit our own viewing of the tragic events of that time until after the girls went to bed every night. We talked with them about what was happening in our nation, we prayed together about it, but we intentionally chose not to inundate them with the terrifying visual images.

And then, a couple of weeks after the attacks, TV stations stopped showing the most horrific images of that day. I'm not sure exactly why, but a variety of reasons were given ... they incited violence against Muslims, they caused too much pain to the victims' families, they were too graphic, etc. It apparently become politically incorrect to show footage of airplanes intentionally crashing into buildings.

So I guess that's how my daughter managed to reach the age of sixteen without the horrific images of 9/11 burned into her psyche. I'm not entirely sure that that's a good thing, though. I'm glad she's being exposed to them now, and I'm sure we'll watch some of the tenth anniversary commemorations together this weekend. I believe it's crucial that none of us ever forgets what happened that day, and that the blessings of freedom and liberty we enjoy in this country are just that .... blessings from God, which are not guaranteed for tomorrow.

Well, I almost forgot that I started writing this as a "Ten on the Tenth" post. So, let me close by sharing ten of my personal memories of 9/11.

1.  First of all, the obligatory "Where I Was On 9/11": I was working as a speech-pathologist at Norman Junior High School in Crossett, Arkansas. When the first plane hit, word got around the school quickly, and classrooms with TVs in them became very popular. Everyone thought it was a horrible accident.

2. I remember the incredulity I felt when the second plane hit ... How could the same accident happen twice? And then the growing awareness that it was not an accident.

3. Then there was the news of the planes hitting the Pentagon and going down in Pennsylvania. By this point, of course, everyone knew these were not accidents, but the alternative was still just too horrifying to grasp.

4. I remember how every teacher's face had the same look of shock, nausea, horror, disbelief. We were the adults in a building full of junior high students ... we had to hold it together and appear unshaken in the midst of a situation like none of us had ever encountered before.

5. I remember standing in a classroom door with my mouth hanging open watching the buildings fall. All I could think about were all those rescue workers and fire fighters who had run into those buildings to save everyone from the fire. What had happened to them?  I could not process the fact that I had just witnessed thousands of people dying on live television.

6. When my work day finally ended, I could not wait to pick my girls up from school and hold them close. They knew something was up, especially Hannah, mainly because of their teachers' reactions.  We spent a lot of time that evening talking and hugging. I remember that she had soccer practice that evening, and surprisingly, it was not canceled. We went to the practice, and I couldn't help glancing up at the sky every few minutes to check for rogue airplanes. (Maybe Hannah wasn't the only worrier in the family!) All flights had already been grounded by this time, though, and there wasn't a plane in the sky, which was also rather eerie.

7. I remember what a strange feeling it was that nobody knew where the president, vice president, or leaders of Congress were.  There were all in separate "Undisclosed Locations." I do remember hanging on George W. Bush's every word when he finally did appear on television from who knows where to reassure all of us frightened Americans that we were going to be okay.

8. I remember the overwhelming displays of national pride that appeared everywhere in the days after 9/11. There were American flags everywhere...on cars, on mailboxes, in windows, on businesses...literally everywhere! Everyone was proud to be an American and wanted the world to know it.

9. I remember how all the TV stations ceased their regular programming for several days and either went silent in respect for the thousands of lives lost, or dedicated their airwaves to coverage of the 9/11 events. Even the irreverent late-night comedians went dark for several days.

10. I remember how we were no longer Republicans and Democrats or conservatives and liberals. We were Americans. We were united as one against a common enemy.  Churches were filled to overflowing, people gave generously of their possessions and even of their own blood, and strangers extended kindness to one another. I remember wondering how long it would last.

Several months after 9/11, I was going through some of Hannah's stuff in her room and throwing away trash. I ran across a piece of paper that caught my eye. It was a paper from her Sunday School class, and across the top, the teacher had asked the kids to write how they felt about what had happened on 9/11. Hannah had written several sentences about what happened that day, and then closed by saying, "At first I was really scared, but my Mom told me that God was in control, and then I wasn't scared anymore."

I can still remember how I felt when I read what she had written that day. I was pleased that she had so easily accepted that God was in control, and that that knowledge had provided comfort to her. Little did I know that seven years later, she would be diagnosed with cancer, and would have to cling to God's sovereignty with all she had in her. I really believe that the events of 9/11 may have been her first step in learning to trust Him when faced with her own personal 9/11 in February of 2008.

Thoughtful Thursday -- In the Dark

2011-09-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Do you remember being a child alone in your bedroom at night? I remember that I always had to sleep with my door open...I felt so alone if the door was shut. As a matter of fact, if I was acting up, not wanting to sleep, fussing, or whatever, my parents could always shut me up just by threatening to shut my door. No way did I want my bedroom door closed. I think I found a lot of comfort in just hearing their voices in the living room as I was drifting off to sleep. Now, I can't sleep if the bedroom door is open. Go figure.

The other day, I was reading the book "Stronger" by Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, and he shared a very interesting illustration. He was referring to those times in our lives when God seems absent, when we just can't seem to feel His presence. See if this illustration speaks to you like it does to me...

"I think in this case, it's a little like being a child in your bedroom at night. It's dark, and so black that you can't see anything. Your door is closed, so you can't hear anything outside your room. Yet your favorite pillow and nightstand are still there. Your parents are nearby, too. They haven't left you. In fact, your mother is in the kitchen preparing lunch for the next day. She's humming as she works, because she's baking chocolate chip cookies to surprise you.

It's a simple illustration, but you get the idea -- circumstances may make it hard to sense God's presence, yet He's still there. He hasn't left us. And more often than we realize, His "hiddenness" allows Him to work on our behalf in a way that wouldn't be possible if we could see Him.

To take the analogy further, if you're a child in bed at night, you could jump out of bed, turn on the light, and rush into the kitchen to make sure Mom is still around. You could do that all night long. But that isn't what's best for you, is it? It would leave you exhausted the next day, and it would spoil the surprise of the chocolate chip cookies. You'd be far better off to trust that Mom is there, that she has things under control, and that all you need to do now is go to sleep."

I love that! What a great reminder to continue trusting God, even when we can't feel His presence. Or when the bedroom door is closed, and we just don't understand what He is up to in our lives. Definitely something to think about during the darkest of times.

And I don't know about you...but I don't want to miss out on the chocolate chip cookies!

Ouachita Baptist University Blog-About

2011-09-06T11:43:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm participating in the second annual OBU BlogAbout, in honor of my Alma Mater's 125th birthday. Each Tuesday in September, we blogging OBU alums will be assigned a topic to write about. Today's assignment is to write about our favorite OBU memory. As I thought about what to write, I realized it would be impossible for me to single out one memory and designate it as my favorite. So, instead, I've decided to simply make a list of all the great memories that come to mind when I think of my time at OBU (1984-1988)....

--Moving into Flippen 212 as a freshman and thinking that Gina Baker (Allen) and I had the most awesome dorm room ever. I don't ever remember feeling like our room was small...but those rooms sure seemed to have shrunk in size when I recently visited OBU!

--Getting mail from home in OBU Box 3084, especially letters from my little brother, Steve, who was starting first grade when I started my freshman year of college. Last time I was at OBU, I could still open that mailbox...I don't think I'll ever forget the combination.

--Ordering pizza from Domino's and giving our names as "Peg Board" and "Pete Moss". We would laugh so hard when the pizza would arrive with that name written on the box.

--That computer dating match thing the Kappa Chi's did every year...and always being disappointed with who was on my list!

--Watching "The Jungle Book" in Mitchell Hall, and everybody loudly singing along with all the songs.

--Work study in the history department my freshman year as Dr. Slavens's secretary...Lots of very interesting experiences in that role!

--Strategically choosing which chapels to skip over the course of a semester, based on how long-winded we thought the speaker might be.

--Getting parking tickets for parking illegally while just "running in" to Frances-Crawford for something I forgot. Not really a good memory, but it's just kind of funny to think back to how those $20 tickets constituted a major financial disaster for a poor college student!

--Conniving all kinds of ways to stay out past curfew so we could stay at the functions until the end like the upperclassmen could.

--Richwoods Baptist Church, especially Van & Julie Barrett's Sunday School class.

--Those PE classes that you didn't really have to go to to get credit.

--The swaying, wobbling, shaking bridge, back in the days before the "gum tree".

--The way Mr. Cole taught history...like a novel, without ever looking at his notes.

--The way Dr. Nesbit jumped off his desk on the first day of class. I think he was demonstrating something about gravity maybe...

--Serenades and run throughs! I especially loved serenades after I became a KX little sis...It was so awesome to have them get down and one knee and sing just to me. And those Kappas could sing!

--The Sigma Alpha Sigma cannon at the football games.

--TWIRP week...even though I was pretty much too shy to ask anybody my freshman year.

--Being a nerd in Tiger Tunes my freshman year. As freshmen, we really didn't know what Tiger Tunes was all about...I really think our performance was pretty terrible. We certainly didn't win anything!

--Rush week and pledge week...I loved being a Chi Delta! My favorite part of rush week was always Wizard of Oz night. Even pledge week was fun....now that I look back on it, anyway!

--Dressing down for Ruby's Truck Stop and dressing up for Harvest Moon.

--When the Red Shirt pledges had to stand and "moo" by the milk machine in Walt's.

--Going to New Orleans with all of the speech pathology majors for the American Speech-Language-Hearing convention. All of us Southern Baptist girls sure got our eyes opened when we walked down Bourbon Street together!

--Hearing Jimmy Carter speak at OBU's 100th anniversary celebration. I honestly don't remember a thing he said, but I sure was fascinated by all the secret service people!

--Being exempt from semester tests...that sure was a good feeling.

--Noonday...especially when a friend was speaking or singing.

--Meeting the man of my dreams at a function at the Arkadelphia skating rink!

--Watching lots and lots of OBU baseball games...the aforementioned man of my dreams was first baseman Brad Sullivan.

--Mom Chu saying, "Sit up, please", whenever I was sitting in the Frances-Crawford lobby with said baseball player.

--No longer hearing Mom Chu say, "Sit up, please", after I married the baseball player the summer before my senior year and his junior year. We could then snuggle on our own couch all we wanted to!

Monday Mourning -- Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

2011-09-05T18:04:00.000-05:00

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month! Although nearly everyone can tell you that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, very few people are aware of the significance of September.

Until Hannah was diagnosed with cancer and we started spending a lot of time in the Hematology/Oncology clinic at Arkansas Children's Hospital, I had no idea how many children were affected by cancer. Absolutely no idea! Honestly, I wish I didn't know. Life was definitely easier before I was brought face-to-face with children with no hair or eyebrows, cheeks swollen from steroids, skin yellowed from chemotherapy.

But I will say that the cancer-fighting children I've had the privilege to meet (or at least to follow through CaringBridge or other sites), are some of the most amazing kids I've ever known. I've come to believe that God gives children who are fighting cancer a special grace...it absolutely shines out from them. I don't really know how to describe it...but once you've seen it, you'll always recognize it.

Lots of progress has been made in fighting childhood cancers. Take a look at this data from St. Jude that shows Childhood Cancer Survival Rates (defined as survival of 5 years or greater based on national averages over the past 10 years):

Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (cancer of the blood): Survival rate in 1962 -- 4%; today -- 94%

Hodgkin Lymphona (cancer of lymph nodes): Survival rate in 1962 -- 50%; today -- 90%

Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma (a malignant tumor): Survival rate in 1962 -- 7%; today -- 85%

Retinoblastoma (cancer affecting eyes): Survival rate in 1962 -- 75%; today -- 95%

Neuroblastoma (cancer of peripheral nervous tissue): Survival rate in 1962 -- 10%; today -- 55%

Wilms Tumor (cancer of the kidney): Survival rate in 1962 -- 50%; today -- 90%

Osteosarcoma (bone cancer): Survival rate in 1962 -- 20%; today -- 65%

Rhabdomyosarcoma (solid tumor affecting muscle): Survival rate in 1962 -- 30%; today -- 70%

Ewing Sarcoma (type of bone cancer): Survival rate in 1962 -- 5%; today -- 65%

Medulloblastoma (type of brain tumor): Survival rate in 1962 -- 10%; today -- 85%

Yes, progress has been made...but not enough. If that were your child with the 55% or 65% survival rate group, would that be enough for you? I can see the face of a precious child in my mind for nearly every one of these cancer types...multiple faces for several of them.

How can you help? You can always donate to St. Jude, or to Arkansas Children's Hospital. But there's also an event coming up in Little Rock in October that you may want to be part of in some way. It's called the CureSearch Walk, and it's coming up on Saturday, October 15th. It will take place at Murray Park, and will run from 8:30 until noon. Click here to donate or to register for the walk.

You may have noticed that Hannah's cancer (glioblastoma) was not listed above. That's because it's not considered a childhood cancer. And I don't believe the survival rate for glioblastoma has changed much since 1962, hanging in there around 4%. More about that in May, which is Brain Cancer Awareness month! For now, let's put the focus on helping these kids!!

Wacky Wednesday -- A Wacky Family Road Trip

2011-09-01T17:35:00.001-05:00

Yes, I realize that it's not really Wednesday. Sorry about that, but I just had to share about our wacky family road trip coming up.

Now, this is not a road trip with my current family, Brad and Bethany. Oh, no....this is a road trip with my original family...the family I was born into.

My cousin's daughter is getting married in DeMotte, Indiana, on Saturday, and we will be making a very quick trip from Arkansas to Indiana this weekend. "We" refers to my parents, my older brother, and myself. Bethany has to cheer at the football game Friday night, and she and Brad have tickets for the Razorback game on Saturday. My brother's family is also involved with other activities, so it turns out that just the two of us will be making the trip with my parents. Now, the four of us have spent lots of time in the car together, just not for the last two or three decades. When we were kids, growing up in Wisconsin, we made made many a trip to Indiana and Illinois to visit grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

I suppose my brother and I were like most kids riding in the back seat on a road trip to visit Grandma. Remember, these were the days before flip-down TVs, portable DVD players, Nintendo games, iPods, or even Walkman cassette players. We basically only had each other to keep ourselves entertained. We ~~rarely~~ never wore seatbelts, and apparently we had trouble staying on our own side of the seat. At least I seem to remember my father drawing an imaginary line down the middle of the back seat and threatening us within an inch of our lives if either of us dared cross it. I can't imagine what we did that annoyed him so.

And for the life of me, when I try to picture in my mind what it's going to be like riding in the car all day with my parents, that's how I still see it. I see my dad driving and my mom in the passenger seat, and my brother and I, both in our mid-forties now, sitting in the back seat whining about who looked at who. And then my dad slowing down to a crawl, threatening to make us get out and walk the rest of the way to Indiana.

That visual picture just tickles me. I suppose that in reality, my brother and I will do most of the driving, and my parents will be sitting in the back seat or taking turns in the front passenger seat. However it works out, I'm expecting it to be one wacky, but memorable, road trip. And maybe my brother and I will even take a turn in the back seat, and play a couple rounds of "Rock Paper Scissors"...just for old times' sake. As long as he doesn't smack my wrist too hard when I lose. I don't want to have to walk to Indiana.

Tell About It Tuesday -- Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles

2011-08-30T19:29:00.000-05:00

So, maybe you noticed that #184 on my list of "Things That Bring Me Joy" was raw cookie dough. Besides thinking that was incredibly shallow, you might have also thought that that was very unhealthy. After all, everybody knows that you're not supposed to eat raw cookie dough ... who wants to come down with a raging case of salmonella?

But, my friends, fear not. I have found a recipe that makes raw cookie dough healthy! Well, not exactly healthy, but at least it won't kill you! (Well, I guess it could, if consumed in massive quantities.) There are no eggs in it, so at least the risk of salmonella is neutralized.

So, here you go!

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine at room temperature
3/4 cup white sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/3 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 cups flour
1/4 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup mini semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 14 oz package dark chocolate candy coating chips (I found these at Michael's in Hot Springs, and one package was really not enough...next time, I would get two)

DIRECTIONS:
Beat butter and sugars in a large bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy. Beat in milk and vanilla. In another bowl, combine flour, soda, and salt, and gradually beat it into the first mixture until smooth. Stir in chocolate chips.

Cover and chill dough for an hour.

When dough is firm enough to handle, form dough into 1" balls and place on a cookie sheet lined with wax paper. Place sheet in freezer and let chill for 30 minutes.

Melt chocolate candy coating chips in a double boiler or microwave according to package directions. Using a fork, dip cookie balls into candy coating to cover. Return them to the wax paper-lined cookie sheets. Chill until set. Store, chilled, in an airtight container for up to one week.

If I was a really good "foodie" blogger, this is where the picture of these irresistable treats would appear. Unfortunately, they didn't last long enough at our house to be photographed. :-)

Monday Mourning -- Her Chains Are Gone...She's Been Set Free

2011-08-29T21:07:00.000-05:00

In June of 2010, the Anchor of Hope Cancer Ministry was blessed with a new member. "Miss Joyce", as we all came to call her, shuffled into our meeting room that evening, wearing a denim skirt and white tennis shoes. Everyone welcomed her, and then listened in fascination as she shared her story.

She shared with us how she had lost two husbands, both of them to cancer, if I remember correctly. She then told us that she had been diagnosed with colon and ovarian cancer about a year and a half previously. I'm going to quote as closely as I can recall what she said (I wish you could hear it in her sweet voice!)..."When I woke up from my surgery, the doctor told me I was terminal. So, when I came home from the hospital, I started giving away all my stuff. I was ready to go, and I knew I wouldn't need it anymore. I gave away my furniture, and my car, and my clothes. Then I waited for God to take me home. Now, I've had to get some of my stuff back, because I'm still here a year and a half later. But I don't have very many clothes, so you'll have to excuse me if I wear the same thing every month. I know that I'm still terminal, but God knows the end from the beginning, and He is keeping me here for a reason. And I'm so thankful to Him, because I never have had any pain."

She proceeded to talk about how she shared Christ with all of her doctors and nurses, and all of the other patients in the chemo room every two weeks. Miss Joyce never missed an Anchor of Hope meeting, unless she was traveling to visit family, and she never failed to encourage every person in the room with her positive attitude and sweet spirit. And yes, she pretty much always wore that same denim skirt and white tennis shoes. She never, ever complained, but constantly expressed thankfulness to her Lord. She always marveled that God had not yet taken her home, but it was obvious to all of us why He was keeping her here ... He blessed people through her.

About six months ago, Miss Joyce went to live with her son and daughter-in-law out of town a little ways and was no longer able to attend our monthly meetings. I would call her every month to check in with her, and see how our group could pray for her, and she always assured me that she was doing well, that God was still blessing her, and that she knew that she'd be going to Heaven soon. I talked to her last about two weeks ago, and she was happily shelling peas on the front porch while we visited. She again acknowledge that she didn't have long on this earth, but that she was so grateful to God for all of His blessings.

This morning, while in the frozen foods aisle at Wal-Mart, I received a text informing me that Miss Joyce passed away yesterday. After a brief moment of sadness, I was filled with a rush of joy, realizing that she was now in the place she most wanted to be. The chains of cancer were gone, and she had finally been set free. I do have to admit, I felt a little twinge of jealousy, too....Can you imagine the glorious reunions she's experiencing right now? And I know she was greeted with, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

So tonight, in honor of Miss Joyce, who was always counting her blessings, I'm going to share some more of my "1,000 Things that Bring Me Joy" list:

145. Wildflowers growing on the side of the road (especially Indian Paintbrushes and black-eyed Susans)

146. Flip calendars

147. Seeing Bethany all dressed up for prom

148. Sleeping with the windows open

149. Hearing a song on the radio that Hannah and I used to listen to on our many trips back and forth to Little Rock

150. When the sun first breaks through on a cloudy morning

151. Weeping willow trees

152. Old, weathered barns

153. Spider webs sparkling with dew in the mornings

154. Seeing the dogwood tree planted in Hannah's memory at our church

155. Planning and pulling off a surprise birthday party for Bethany

156. A new haircut

157. DVRs

158. A new pair of sunglasses

159. Finishing Bethany's leaf collection project

160. Reading the same book as Bethany and discussing it with her

161. Mississippi Mud Cake

162. Sunflowers turning toward the sun

163. Approaching a stoplight just as it turns green

164. The sound of ocean waves

165. Sand between my toes

166. The sound of seagulls

167. The smell of salt water

168. Walking along the beach with my husband

169. Coming home after a vacation (I bet you can guess where we went!)

170. Back to school shopping with Bethany

171. The first day of school (when I don't have to work and I'm home alone!)

172. Hearing about Bethany's day the afternoon of the first day of school

173. Getting an unexpected package in the mail

174. Listening to Bethany and Brad talk about basketball

175. Not having to pick Bethany up from school, practice, etc., anymore because she can now drive herself (although I do miss it a little bit!)

176. Being the only person in the check-out line at Wal-Mart

177. My new Tervis Tumbler from Lifeway that says "Count Your Blessings"

178. That feeling right after you sneeze

179. A good-fitting pair of jeans

180. Pre-ordering the new Casting Crowns CD on iTunes

181. "Peach Bellini" hand soap from Bath & Body Works (It smells like sugar-encrusted peach slices.)

182. Bob's shoes (a cheaper version of Tom's shoes)

183. Air conditioning!

184. Raw cookie dough

Thank you, Miss Joyce, for reminding me to always count my blessings! Please give my Hannah a hug for me, and tell her that I love her...

Thoughtful Thursday -- Thought-Provoking Tweets

2011-08-25T21:28:00.000-05:00

I realize that by posting about tweets for two days in a row I might give you the impression that I am an avid Twitter-er. Um...that would be wrong. I signed up for a Twitter account about a year ago...maybe even two years ago...and was surprised when several people signed up to "follow" me. I hope they haven't been too disappointed, because I've never given them much of anything to follow. I just don't seem to have anything to say in 140 characters or less.

And until recently, I really didn't know who I wanted to follow. I have no interest in following movie stars or sports figures. I follow my former pastor, Dr. John Marshall, now at Second Baptist Church in Springfield, Missouri. And I follow my current church, Mission Aviation Fellowship (my brother flies for them), World Magazine, and Ouachita Baptist University (my alma mater).   All fine organizations, but not exactly riveting reading...although I do enjoy Brother John's tweets.

Then I found a list of interesting tweets on someone's blog (I honestly can't remember which one it was at the moment) and I finally found some people I wanted to follow....Randy Alcorn, John Piper, and Burk Parsons. Here are just a few of the thought-provoking tweets I read by these guys today...

@burkparsons: "God loves us not because we are loveable but because He is love; not because He needs to receive but because He delights to give. (C.S. Lewis)"

@johnpiper: "God doesn't give strength today for tomorrow's trouble. That's what it means to live by faith in future grace. It will come."    --This one is so true. Our family has experienced it again and again.--

@randyalcorn: "Sir Isaac Newton: I am as a child on the seashore picking up a pebble here & a shell there, but the great ocean of truth still lies before me."     --I love this one. Can't you just see that picture in your mind?--

Wait, I just thought of someone else I can follow -- Beth Moore, of course! And then there's Ann Voskamp, who wrote "One Thousand Gifts." Hmmm...I wonder if Nancy Guthrie has a Twitter account?

Sorry...Gotta go check my Twitter!

Wacky Wednesday -- Earthquake Tweets

2011-08-24T16:46:00.000-05:00

My last several posts have been pretty heavy...I think it's time for a "Wacky Wednesday" post. This afternoon, I ran across a link to some politically-themed tweets about yesterday's earthquake in Virginia. They made me chuckle, and I think you may enjoy them too, whatever your political persuasion.

These are from the Washington Examiner website...

@comradescott: "Evidently the quake occurred on a little-known fault line outside of DC called "Bush's Fault."

@calebhowe: "Breaking: Obama administration points out they "inherited" fault lines from previous administrations."

@MaizeBlueNation: "Fox News claims the Washington Monument is leaning to the right; MSNBC claims it's learning to the left. More at 11."

@charliespiering: "I won't stop shaking until Obama makes a speech telling me everything is ok and that he has a plan."

@Ben_Howe: "As all of DC leaves work at the same time, the United States experiences a brief economic recovery."

And then I saw this on Facebook yesterday: "What earthquake? That was the founding fathers turning in their graves."

Tell About It Tuesday -- "While We're Waiting" Mom's Mini-Retreat

2011-08-23T17:35:00.000-05:00

Every Mom who has lost a child has been there. She's with a group of other Moms who are all sharing funny and entertaining stories about their children. She remembers a cute story about her child (you know, the one that's in Heaven), and she gets ready to tell it. She waits for a break in the conversation, and maybe even takes in a breath as she readies to share her story.  But then her resolve falters. She remembers the last time she brought up her child's name in a group of Moms...how eye contact was suddenly broken, how the laughter became stilted, how the conversation waned. So she closes her lips together, exhales silently, and just keeps smiling as she listens to the other Moms' stories about their kids. After all, she doesn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, or worse yet, incur the pity of these ladies.

Maybe her child did not live past infant-hood, and she has no stories to share. Or maybe her child had children of his or her own, whom she is now raising. She loves those grandkids more than life itself, but she's so busy caring for them that she doesn't have time to swap stories with other Moms...or she's just too tired to talk! Or maybe her child should be in school right now, and hearing other Moms' stories of their children's school days makes her unable to speak past the lump in her throat.

And if she did speak about her child, would the other Moms understand? Would they be aware of the personal cost she is incurring simply by speaking her child's name out loud? What might they do if they detected a reddening of her eyes, or God forbid, a tear? And what if she took the risk of honestly expressing some of the thoughts, fears, and doubts she's experiencing? Would they assume she's lost her faith? Might they feel that she's burdening them with her grief? And then, after she walks away, would they shake their heads and say, "Poor _____. She's really having a hard time."

Might a well-meaning Mom touch her hand and say, "You know, honey, you really should be over this by now. It's time to move on."?

Most of the time, it's just easier for her to keep her mouth shut and just keep smiling. Even when she really feels like crying.

That's what the "While We're Waiting" Mini-Retreat for Bereaved Moms is all about. At a WWW Mini-Retreat, we bring a small group of Moms together and spend the day sharing stories about our children and discussing issues we face as grieving Moms. It's a safe place, where we can speak openly without fear of being judged, pitied, or told that we need to move on.  Every Mom will have the opportunity to have a private massage in the afternoon...so those shoulders that have been carrying the weight of the world can finally relax for awhile. And the food! Breakfast and lunch will be provided, and they will be wonderful...but the dinner will be the highlight of the day. A five-course gourmet dinner will be prepared and served for us by our own private chef. The food will be absolutely exquisite!

As bereaved Moms, we carry an enormous load. After all, it's up to Mom, isn't it, to keep everything going? Sometimes it helps just to have someone to help shoulder the burden, and that's one of the goals of the WWW Mini-Retreat for Moms. We'll laugh together, we'll cry together (none of us are made uncomfortable by tears), and we'll pray for each other. And we'll encourage each other to live well, in a way that honors our children and our Lord, while we're waiting for that glorious reunion someday.

Our next WWW Mini-Retreat for Moms is set for September 17, 2011, and it's filling up fast. As of right now, we have room for just two more ladies. We purposely keep our groups small, so that everyone is able to participate equally, and to encourage a more intimate and comfortable gathering. If you have lost a child and think you might like to attend, just click the tab above ("Mini Retreat for Bereaved Moms"). You can get more specific details about the day, including a schedule of events, and testimonials from a couple of Moms who have attended. It also includes a link to our "While We're Waiting" website, where you can register for this event online. Or you can send me an email at thesullivan4@gmail.com and I'll get you signed up. We'd love to have you join us. If you'd like to come, but you're just not ready yet, that's fine. We'll be having more of these...our next one will probably be in January.

And Dads...We haven't forgotten about you! Watch for information about the "While We're Waiting Weekend" for Dads (October 7-9, 2011) in a future "Tell About It Tuesday." And we have a "While We're Waiting Weekend" for Couples coming up November 4-6, 2011. We're currently seeking the Lord's leadership regarding a "While We're Waiting" event for siblings as well...No date has been set for that as of this time.  Siblings, we've discovered, are often the forgotten people when a child is lost.

Maybe you've never lost a child, but you can still be involved in "While We're Waiting" by telling someone who has lost a child about these events.  We're about to begin the process of pursuing 501(c)(3) status for "While We're Waiting", so at some point, we may also ask you to support these events financially so we can continue to offer them at a minimal cost to participants. But for right now, the most important thing you can do for "While We're Waiting" is to pray...pray for the people who attend, pray for us (Jill, Brad, Larry, Janice) as we facilitate these events, and pray that God would be honored through all we do. Thank you!!

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with perseverance." Romans 8:25

Monday Mourning -- "Empty Me"

2011-08-22T16:52:00.002-05:00

During the year that Hannah was battling cancer, several songs came to have special meaning to our family. "Praise You in the Storm" by Casting Crowns quickly became our theme song, because of Hannah's prayer for a storm. "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me was also very meaningful to us. Hannah and I spent a lot of time listening to the radio on all of our trips back and forth to Little Rock, often flipping back and forth between K-LOVE and some of her favorite secular stations.

There was one song that it seemed like we always heard on our way to her clinic days...the song "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis. It sounds silly now, but we would always laugh about that song about bleeding because Hannah knew she was in for 4 or 5 sticks every time she went to the clinic...they almost never could draw that girl's blood on the first try. So, she'd sing along with, "Keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding" in an effort to psych her veins up to do what they were supposed to do!

As the journey grew more difficult, other songs began to really speak to us. As Hannah's health declined, Brad began to accompany us on most of our trips to Children's Hospital. At this point, we were going every other day for platelet infusions, and Hannah was having difficulty walking. We would often ride home from our appointments with Hannah in the front seat next to Brad and me in the back seat. K-LOVE would alway be playing on the radio, and songs like "Cinderella" by Steven Curtis Chapman or "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me would come on. Brad and I would lock eyes in the rear view mirror and the tears would flow. Hannah's vision was very poor by this time, so she couldn't see her tears, and we would do our best to muffle the sounds of our sobs. If she ever did hear us, she didn't let on.

Then there was the day Jordin Sparks, of American Idol fame, called us at the hospice center and sang her radio hit "No Air" for Hannah over the phone. Hannah was unable to respond, but I believe she knew that Jordin was singing for her. And then a few days later, still at the hospice center, we first heard Chris Tomlin's brand new song, "I Will Rise" and knew that song would be sung at her funeral service.

There are many other songs that touched us in special ways throughout that year, but there was one song in particular that touched Hannah. I actually had almost forgotten about it until I heard it on my iPod yesterday. There I was, walking on my treadmill, listening to my iPod, and reading a book on my Kindle app (yes, I'm a multi-tasker!) when "Empty Me" by Chris Sligh (also of American Idol fame) came on. And I was immediately transported back to December of 2008, right before Christmas, when Hannah returned to school for a few days. She had completed her second round of radiation treatments and was completely bald. I had just picked her up from school and we were headed home when this song came on K-LOVE.

And Hannah, who only rarely shared the deepest parts of her heart with us over the course of her cancer journey, told me that the loss of her hair had helped her empty herself of her pride before God and she was thankful for that. That girl never ceased to amaze me!!

You can hear the song and see the lyrics by clicking the link below. (If you receive these updates via email, you may have to go directly to the blog to hear it.) Listening to it still puts a lump in my throat, and makes me wonder what I need to be emptied of!

Thoughtful Thursday -- Cardboard Boxes

2011-08-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

My best friend in junior high was a girl whose parents had lost three sons, two of them before she was born. One died at birth, one died at the age of ten from cancer, and one died at the age of 18 in a car accident. She was in third grade when her third brother died, and I met her when I moved to Arkansas in the summer before our seventh grade year. Her parents were always so kind to me...I had absolutely no idea the weight of grief they must have been living under.

I ran across a poem the other day by a man named Joseph Bayly, from his book titled "Psalms of My Life". Mr. Bayly knows something about the crushing weight of grief, having lost three children himself. It really touched me, and I think it will touch you, too.

"A Psalm While Packing Books"

This cardboard box

Lord

see it says

Bursting limit

100 lbs. per square inch.

The box maker knew

how much strain

the box would take

what weight

would crush it.

You are wiser

than the box maker

Maker of my spirit

my mind

my body.

Does the box know

when pressure increases close to

the limit?

It knows nothing.

But I know

when my breaking point

Is near.

And so I pray

Maker of my soul

Determiner of the pressure

within

upon

Stop it

lest I be broken

Or else

change the pressure rating

of this fragile container

of your grace

so that I may bear more.

Tell About It Tuesday -- Joni Eareckson Tada

2011-08-16T17:10:00.000-05:00

I have been a fan of Joni Eareckson Tada for pretty much as long as I can remember. For those of you who don't know her story, she broke her neck in a diving accident in 1967 at the age of 18, and became a quadriplegic. She published an autobiography in 1976, when I was 11 years old, and it quickly became one of my favorite books.

I think one reason why I liked it so much is because she was brutally honest about her bouts of anger and depression following her accident, even contemplating suicide at times. Over time, though, she turned back to the Lord, and she has been a powerful witness for Him for many, many years now.

Joni is now 62 years old, and is battling breast cancer along with enduring chronic, "jaw-splitting" pain. Yet she still continues to serve the Lord with all her might. Her most recent book is called "A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty", and it is excellent.

If you have ever questioned why God heals some people and not others (and who hasn't?), this is the book for you! I mean, why hasn't God healed Joni? After all, she's served him faithfully all these years...and wouldn't her miraculous healing bring thousands of people to salvation? She explores this topic thoroughly with a wisdom and peaceful acceptance that amazes me.

Here's just a brief excerpt:

"In the meantime, these afflictions of mine -- this very season of multiplied pain -- is the background against which God has commanded me to show forth His praise. It's also that thing I am to reckon as "good and acceptable and perfect," according to Romans 12. God bids me that I not only seek to accept it, but to embrace it, knowing full well that somewhere way down deep -- in a secret place I have yet to see -- lies my highest good.

Yes, I pray that my pain might be removed, that it might cease; but more so, I pray for the strength to bear it, the grace to benefit from it, and the devotion to offer it up to God as a sacrifice of praise."

This book also serves as a reassurance for those of us who have lost loved ones to devastating illnesses, like cancer. When those doubts niggle their way in..."Was Hannah not healed because we didn't have enough faith?", "Was there some sin in my life that kept God from hearing my prayers?", "Why did so-and-so get healed, and Hannah didn't?"...Joni's words serve to remind us of this truth: "Let us then not say God cannot heal and will not do so. Let us rather say God can heal and will do so if it is for His glory. The saint is to remember that God is the judge as to whether or not He will display Himself and His power by a miraculous act, and also when, where, how, and with whom this will be done; and he is to keep constantly in mind that God is just as faithful and loving when He does not so display Himself as when He does." (She is actually quoting the words of Henry Frost here.)

It's kind of funny...I had already decided yesterday that I would recommend this book by Joni in my "Tell About It Tuesday" post. Then this morning, I was checking some of the blogs I regularly read, and found the following article posted on two of them. Take a look at it....I think you'll find it well worth your time. If you read it, please pay close attention to the very last line. It is absolutely beautiful.

Why Joni Eareckson Tada Wants to Bring Her Wheelchair to Heaven

Monday Mourning -- Back To School

2011-08-15T15:13:00.001-05:00

I've just got to share this picture of Bethany heading off to her "second-to-last" first day of school.

She just looked so pretty this morning as she was preparing to start her junior year of high school. And you moms out there...you know how you look forward all day to picking up your kid(s) from school at the end of the first day so you can hear all about it? Well, it hit me about mid-morning that I won't be picking her up today...she'll be driving herself home. Wow...This girl is really growing up!

I've also thought a lot today about how Hannah's "second-to-last" first day of school became her "last" first day of school. We knew as she was starting her junior year that she was in the fight of her life, but at that time her scans were all clear and she was technically cancer free. It wasn't until late September that the battle began anew. And I've thought about how this is the third "back to school" we've endured without her here...beginning her sophomore year of college. On one hand that doesn't seem possible...that there's no way that much time could have passed, but then on the other hand it feels like it's been f-o-r-e-v-e-r since I've seen her beautiful smile.

She would have been so excited about heading back to school this fall. Much more excited than her younger sister was this morning...Ahem. She absolutely lived for school. And she would have loved college.

One of the hardest things for me at this time of year is to read all the other moms' Facebook posts about their kids starting kindergarten, starting junior high, starting their senior year, leaving for college, etc. As I read about them crying as they say good-bye when dropping off their kids at college, I find myself becoming resentful. I hate to admit it, but I start grumbling to myself, "What are you crying about? At least your kid is getting to go to college. And you can text and call each other anytime you want to, and they're going to come home for weekends and Christmas! What in the world are you crying about?" And I think, "It's just not fair that this had to happen to our family, Lord! What about them?"

It's ugly, I know, but I'm just being honest. Satan just works on me that way. But here's the thing...That kind of comparison is not God's desire for me.

Take a look at this passage from John 21. In verse 18, Jesus is speaking to Peter: "Truly, truly I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go." (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this, he said to him, "Follow me." Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who had been reclining at table close to him and had said, "Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?" [He's referring to John here.] When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?" Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me."

Did you catch that? Jesus gave Peter a glimpse of the type of death he would die, and Peter immediately pointed to John and said, "Well, what about him?" And Jesus basically replied, "None of your business. You just follow me."

So, when I find myself grumbling and comparing and feeling sorry for myself and wondering, "What about them?", Jesus gently reminds me that He is in control, He hasn't forgotten our little family, and that His plans for me (and all those other moms out there) are perfect. Rather than resenting, I should be rejoicing that others haven't had to endure what we have. And I should remember that many others have endured far, far worse than what we have.

So, with His help, I choose to rejoice in, and not resent, the calling He has put on my life to trust Him and His plan for me. It's a daily battle, and not an easy one, but He is faithful, and for that I am thankful.

Thoughtful Thursday -- The Land of the Living

2011-08-11T21:16:00.000-05:00

Just a brief thought for this Thursday...

Take a look at these excerpts from Psalm 27. "The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?... Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident... Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me...I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (vv. 1, 3, 10, 13-14, Italics mine).

I've probably read that passage dozens of times. But the other day, when I read it, verse 13 just leapt off the page. "I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." I had to stop reading, sit back in my chair, and let that thought wash over me.

Since Hannah died, I often find myself "living in the days ahead"...looking forward to the joys of Heaven. But this verse reminds me that I don't have to wait until I'm in Heaven -- I can experience His goodness right here, right now, in the land of the living!

Just something I've really been enjoying thinking about this week...

Nine on the Tenth -- Paradigm Shifts

2011-08-10T21:32:00.000-05:00

All this week, I've been sitting in school workshops. The last two days have been a presentation of the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" and one of the big topics has been paradigm shifts. As part of his introduction, the presenter posed a question to the group, "What is something that has happened in your life that led to a paradigm shift?" A few people shared stories of events in their lives that had led to significant change. I didn't volunteer to share, but if I had, I would have said, "When my teenage daughter was diagnosed with cancer."

There's nothing like suffering and loss to change your paradigms. There are definitely some military families who've had their paradigms shifted this week.

In Randy Alcorn's book, "If God Is Good", he shares nine paradigm-shifting insights that he learned through studying the book of Job. If I wasn't so drained from sitting in workshops all day every day this week, I might be able to come up with one more on my own, thus making today a true Ten on the Tenth. But I just don't think that's going to happen tonight. So, without further ado, here are...

Nine Lessons To Be Learned from Job (from Randy Alcorn)

1. Life is not predictable or formulaic.

2. Most of life's expectations and suffering's explanations are simplistic and naive, waiting to be toppled.

3. When the day of crisis comes, we should pour out our hearts to God, who can handle our grief and even our anger.

4. We should not turn from God and internalize our anger, allowing it to become bitterness.

5. We should weigh and measure the words of friends, authors, teachers, and counselors, finding whatever truth they might speak without embracing their errors or getting derailed by their insensitivities.

6. We should not insist on taking control by demanding a rational explanation for the evils and suffering that befall us.

7. We should look to God and ask him to reveal himself to us; in contemplating his greatness we will come to see him as the Answer above all answers.

8. We should trust that God is working behind the scenes and that our suffering has hidden purposes that one day, even if not in this life, we will see.

9. We should cry out to Jesus, the mediator and friend whom Job could only glimpse, but who indwells us by grace.

Hmmmmm....Good stuff, huh?

Tell About It Tuesday -- True American Heroes

2011-08-09T21:50:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I shared a little bit about Navy SEAL Adam Brown and his family. If you'd like to learn more about Adam's amazing story, you view a documentary about his life at this website. Once the site has loaded, click on "Patriot Profiles" in the left hand column. From there, click on Adam's name. Click on "View Full Story", and three videos will pop up. The first is just a trailer of the video. The Tribute to Adam Brown is actually in two parts, and each part takes about 12 minutes to watch. Believe me, it will be 24 minutes well spent. Have a box of Kleenex nearby...you'll need it.

When you watch that video, you'll see that a group of Adam's Navy SEAL teammates who came for his funeral jumped off a bridge in Hot Springs in tribute to Adam's adventurous spirit. Here are a couple of pictures from that day.

Every one of these young men lost their lives in the helicopter crash this weekend.

There are no words to express the magnitude of this loss for their families. Please pray for Adam's parents, his brother, his twin sister, and his wife as they travel to Virginia this week. God has uniquely equipped them to provide comfort and support, and they are going in obedience to Him. I know they will appreciate your heartfelt prayers.

[8/15/11 -- Correction...Since I wrote this post, I found out that two of these young men were not on that Chinook helicopter. However, all of the others were killed in the crash.]

Monday Mourning -- Navy SEALs

2011-08-08T21:15:00.002-05:00

I was deeply saddened this weekend to hear of the tragic deaths of a large number of military personnel in Afganistan, many of whom were Navy SEALs.

As I've shared before, until my daughter was diagnosed with cancer, I honestly never really thought much about cancer. Sure, I thought it was a sad thing when someone died from cancer, particularly a child, but because it didn't directly impact my life, it didn't take me long to forget about it and move on. Not anymore.

In the same way, when I heard about a military death, I would feel sad for the family, and maybe have a little patriotic thrill in my heart, but honestly, that was about it. Again, it didn't directly impact my life, and I didn't personally know any military families who had lost a loved one.

And then I met the family of Navy SEAL Adam Brown, who was killed in action in Afghanistan last year. Adam's parents have become some of our closest friends, and Adam's widow has befriended Bethany. We partner together with the Browns in hosting the "While We're Waiting" events and have heard them share their story of the men in dress blues coming to their door early on a March morning in 2010 several times. The pain in their voices as they share this experience is absolutely heartrending. Observing their overwhelming grief, even as they seek to guide their daughter-in-law and grandchildren through the grief experience, has been eye-opening. And seeing their deep faith in God as they proudly fly their American flag in Adam's memory has been humbling.

The men who were killed this weekend were part of SEAL Team Six, which was Adam's unit. They were Adam's teammates and friends. And at least one of them is now in Heaven as a direct result of Adam's Christian witness. Adam's family knew many of these young men and their families, and will now have the opportunity to put 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 into practice. It won't be easy...in fact, I'm sure it will be extremely difficult, as they re-live very painful memories, but I believe that God will give them the grace that they need.

Please remember all of these families in your prayers, as well as the thousands of other military families who have either lost loved ones or who live in fear of losing their loved ones. I honestly had no idea the depth of sacrifice that these families endure ... all for our freedom. May our nation be worthy of their sacrifice.

Thoughtful Thursday -- Two Thought-Provoking Quotes

2011-08-04T21:37:00.001-05:00

Two quotes from Randy Alcorn's book "If God Is Good" that really made me think this week....

"E. Stanley Jones wrote, 'Don't bear trouble, use it. Take whatever happens -- justice and injustice, pleasure and pain, compliment and criticism -- take it up into the purpose of your life and make something out of it. Turn it into testimony.'"

In other words, don't waste your storm. I've said it before...I believe our greatest sorrows will result in our greatest ministry. That is, if we allow God to use us.

And here's the second quote:

"Joni Eareckson Tada spoke of a woman, pregnant with a disabled child, who cried out in desparation to her husband, 'Things will never be the same.' His response? 'Maybe God doesn't want them to be the same.'"

Whoa. That one stopped me in my tracks. That has been so, so true in our experience over the last three years. I am a completely changed person from what I once was...I'm really not sure if there is any part of me that is the same. And maybe that is just a part of what God wanted through all of this. Really something to think about as we face the trials of life....

Tell About It Tuesday -- "50 Days of Heaven"

2011-08-02T17:14:00.000-05:00

When it became pretty clear that, unless God intervened in a miraculous way, Hannah would be going to Heaven soon, I began reading the book "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn. It's a great book, with an incredible amount of well-documented research behind it, but it is a huge book and very, very deep. I got nearly half way through it, and finally just had to give up. With all the emotion and grief of that time, I just couldn't sustain my focus.

Shortly after Hannah went to Heaven, this little book, "50 Days of Heaven" fell into my hands. I say it fell into my hands because I honestly don't remember how it got there. I don't remember if I bought it, or if someone gave it to me (if you gave it to me, I apologize, and Thank You!). Grief can do some really strange things to your mind and your memories.

Anyway, this is an absolutely awesome little book. We give it out to people we know who have lost loved ones, and we keep a large supply of them in our Anchor of Hope cabinet at church to pass along to those who have lost family members to cancer. It takes the content of "Heaven" and breaks it up into fifty daily bite-sized readings. Each chapter includes a Scripture, a quote from a well-known Christian, a lesson about Heaven, a thought-provoking question, and a prayer. It is perfect for someone who is in the depths of grief, who can't sustain attention to read longer than about five minutes, and who may not even be able to find the words to pray.

Randy Alcorn also has a book titled "Heaven for Kids", which is a great read for children who are grappling with the concept of Heaven following the death of a loved one. Bethany and all of her cousins read it after Hannah's death, and I think it was a great help to them as they tried to understand where their sister/cousin was now living.

Actually, if you see any book by Randy Alcorn -- fiction or nonfiction -- read it! I guarantee, it will be good!!

Monday Mourning -- Giving Thanks

2011-08-01T20:32:00.000-05:00

"You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30: 11-12

I ran across this verse this morning as I was reading "If God is Good" by Randy Alcorn. It caught my eye first because it had the word "joy" in it, and if you've followed this blog for any length of time at all, you know that's my word.

We have re-decorated what was Hannah's bedroom with the word "joy"...as I sit here typing, I am surrounded by probably 40 or 50 different items that say "JOY" in some form or fashion. But, as I've shared with you before, I don't always feel the joy. I've still been keeping up with my Joy List, and one of these days, I will catch you up on that. But even as I continue to add to the 1,000 Things That Bring Me Joy, I don't always find myself "clothed with joy."

Maybe the secret to being clothed with joy is the final sentence of that passage. "O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." I believe that there is joy to be found in giving thanks. But there's also the rub.

I give thanks for the opportunity to be Hannah's mother.

I give thanks for every minute of the 17 years I had with her.

I give thanks for the family, friends, and even strangers who have prayed us through the past 2 1/2 years.

I give thanks for the peace God has given our family, no matter what the circumstances.

I give thanks that Hannah is eternally healed and is herself in a place of unimaginable joy.

I give thanks for the eternal perspective and understanding of God's sovereignty we have gained through our experiences.

But I find myself unable to give thanks that Hannah is not here, in her bedroom, where she should be. I'm unable to give thanks that she is not preparing for her sophomore year in college. I'm unable to give thanks that Bethany has no sister to share secrets with. Am I supposed to give thanks for those things?

I don't really think God expects us to be filled with gratitude for the things that are so painful in this life. But I do think He wants us to accept them...and in acceptance, there is peace...then thankfulness...and ultimately joy. Do you remember when Job asked his wife, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" (Job 2:10)

So, even though I may not have fully arrived in the thankfulness department, He is gently leading me toward that acceptance so that one day, I will truly be clothed with real joy.

Thoughtful Thursday -- When I Get To Heaven

2011-07-28T11:20:00.000-05:00

I have to be honest...Before Hannah became a resident there, I really didn't think much about Heaven. Sure, I wanted to go there someday, but I didn't really know anybody there, other than my grandparents, and, of course, Jesus. And I looked forward to that day (distant, though it seemed, which was fine with me) because I knew it would be amazing to see Him..."I Can Only Imagine" and all that.

Well, now that Hannah is there, my feelings have changed greatly. I look forward every day to the moment I arrive there. I must admit, though, I am a little conflicted about something.

Would you think less of me if I told you that if Jesus is the first person I meet when I arrive, while He's hugging me, I'm going to be on my tiptoes peering over his shoulder looking for Hannah? It's just the truth.

Brad read a book last week on the beach in which a father said he hoped that his child was sitting on Jesus's lap when he got to Heaven, so he could see both of them at the same time. That would be pretty cool.

But Hannah was seventeen when she died, and I just can't really picture her sitting on Jesus's lap.

And that's not really how I think it's going to be when I arrive in Heaven anyway. Here's how I picture it. I have no theological basis for this whatsoever...these are just my thoughts.

If I were to go there today, I think that Hannah would be the first person I would see. As a matter of fact, for some reason, in my mind, I picture her grasping both of my hands and pulling me into Heaven from wherever I am. We would fall into each other's arms and laugh and cry and hold each other for a long, long time. When we had gotten our fill (it might take awhile), she would take me by the hand and together, we would greet all of our family members who were there....grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-great-great-etc. grandparents, and so on.

All of this would take place at a very leisurely pace...no need to hurry like we do every day in this life...we have all the time we could ever possibly need.

After visiting with all the family, next I would want to meet the children of all the bereaved parents we've talked to over the last few years. Most of them I never got to meet on earth, but their parents have become so precious to me, and their stories have been so amazing, I've just got to meet them. And since I have this idea in my head that everytime we meet a bereaved parent here on earth, Hannah meets their child(ren) in Heaven, she'll be able to introduce me to all of them.

After visiting with all of these amazing people, I would want to meet the Old Testament patriarchs...Abraham, Jacob, Isaac, Moses, Noah, David, Solomon, etc. Can you imagine? And then the folks from the New Testament...Mary and Joseph, Anna, Simeon, the woman at the well, Lazarus, Mary & Martha, the disciples, Paul, Silas, Timothy...the list could go on and on! What a thought!

And by this time...by this time...at the point where my heart is about to burst with joy and gratitude and awe and wonder...my only desire would be to meet the One, the One who made all of this possible through His sacrifice. And my daughter, my daughter who is now so far superior to me in wisdom and grace, will ask me, "Are you ready?" I will be speechless, only able to nod my head in affirmation. And, still leading me by the hand, with the familiar ease of introducing me to a good friend, she will bring me to the throne of glory. And I will tremble uncontrollably, fall to my knees, worship the One who died for me, and then finally, finally my joy will be complete. Oh, glorious day!

Wacky Wednesday -- "How 'Bout Cupcake?"

2011-07-27T13:46:00.000-05:00

I just had to share this video that Bethany and I saw on America's Funniest Home Videos the other night. As a sweets fanatic myself, this is a child after my own heart! Hope this video makes you smile, too!

P.S. If you receive blog updates by email, you may need to link directly to my blog itself to view the video.

Tell About It Tuesday -- "Flywheel"

2011-07-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

Several months ago, I was at the checkout counter at our local Christian bookstore, perusing their $5.00 deals, when this video caught my eye.

I knew that this movie was made by the same folks who did "Facing the Giants" and "Fireproof", and I figured it would probably be worth five bucks. Hannah loved the movie "Facing the Giants", and someday I will write more about that. But I brought "Flywheel" home, put it in the TV cabinet, and promptly forgot all about it.

The other day, I was digging through there looking for something else, and I ran across it, still unopened. I decided that the next time we had a free evening, we would watch it. Well, tonight, Brad and I had an evening at home all by ourselves, and I pulled it out and popped it in the DVD player.

To be honest, I wasn't really expecting much. I remember the first time I saw "Facing the Giants", and it took me a little while to get past the rather stilted acting and predictable dialogue before I became completely absorbed in the story. I thought "Fireproof" was better as far as the acting and its overall quality. Knowing that "Flywheel" was the first attempt by Sherwood Pictures, I had prepared myself for a somewhat cheesy, predictable story with inexperienced actors.

I have to say I was pleasantly surprised! No, the production quality and the acting were not exactly up to Hollywood standards...but that was actually kind of refreshing. The story line was engaging, and contained enough twists and turns to keep me guessing about how things were going to work out. I guess I've become kind of a sap over the past few years, but several scenes moved me to tears. It was a beautiful story about salvation, redemption, restoration, and faith, and it was a great reminder of how important it is to trust God, even when it feels like everything is flying out of control.

"Flywheel"...Definitely a good way to spend an evening with the family!

Monday Mourning -- Heavenly Wisdom

2011-07-25T20:48:00.000-05:00

Will you indulge me for a few minutes of shameless boasting? Thank you.

Hannah was a very intelligent young lady. She was a straight-A student all through school, even in the second semester of her sophomore year, when she underwent brain surgery and radiation therapy. She won nearly every academic award given during her freshman and sophomore years, including overall "outstanding student" both years. Her biggest concern when she was in the hospital prior to her surgery was getting behind in her schoolwork and losing her opportunity to be the valedictorian. She was an extremely competitive student (to a fault), and always went above and beyond what was required of her in class.

Her junior year was off to a great start, when her cancer returned in late September. She had to drop out of school for a few months to do another round of extensive radiation and to start a new kind of chemotherapy. By mid-December, she was well enough to return to school for a few days before Christmas break. On her first day back to school, she walked into her World History class, only to find out that they were taking a test that day. The teacher gave them a few minutes to look over their notes before taking the test. Of course, she could have been exempt from taking the test since she had not been present for any of the material, but she chose to look over a friend's notes and take it. She got a 100%...after only a few minutes of studying completely unfamiliar material.

Right after Christmas break, Hannah's health began to deteriorate rapidly, and she never did return to school. It wasn't long before the cancer attacking her brain brought her to a state of almost child-like simplicity. It was a heartbreaking thing to watch, and to be perfectly honest, it just felt so unfair.

And then Hannah went to Heaven. And I believe that as soon as she entered her new home, her intelligence was not only restored, it was transformed into wisdom. A wisdom beyond anything I can even imagine. And I believe that the longer she is in Heaven, the more wisdom she gains.

Now, when I feel sad about all that she had to suffer through, the indignities she had to endure, the losses she had to experience ... I picture her, surrounded by the splendor of Heaven, saying, "C'mon, Mom. It's fine. All that stuff you're thinking about -- that was just a second, just the blink of an eye -- it was nothing! None of that matters now. I'm better than I've ever been. Just wait 'til you get here...you'll see!"

And won't it be awesome when I do get there, and I'm able to sit beside her and learn from her what she's been taught by the Master Himself! After I've spent the first thousand years or so just hugging her neck, that is! What an amazing experience that will be....

Thoughtful Thursday -- Seaweed

2011-07-21T22:40:00.001-05:00

We have been on vacation this week, thus the lack of posts since last Thursday. We arrived at Panama City Beach, Florida, last Saturday, and will be enjoying our last day at the beach tomorrow.

We have really enjoyed the opportunity to get away. The condo where we are staying is lovely, the weather has been perfect, and the sunsets have been spectacular...

The only down side of the week has been the "June Grass"...thick, slimy seaweed that, according to the locals, usually only shows up in June. This year, it has made its appearance in the middle of July. Here's the view off our 18th floor balcony on the day we arrived...

And here's the view a couple of days ago, on a particularly still morning...

You can see that the water is actually very beautiful, and is a lovely aquamarine color when the sun shines on it, but that seaweed has just not given us a break.

We've still had a lot of fun....shopping, eating, walking out on the pier,

and Bethany and her friend even went parasailing...

We even took the obligatory family photo on the beach (although we didn't really coordinate our wardrobe very well)...

So what have I been thoughtful about this week? Well, I've thought a lot about Hannah, and how it still just doesn't feel right to take a family vacation without her. I've thought about Heaven, as I've looked at the beauty of God's creation all around me. I've thought about the future, as Bethany will be starting her junior year in just a few weeks.

And I've thought about the seaweed. Hannah would have hated the seaweed. It really hasn't bothered us much....we've gone right into the water just as if it wasn't there. The other thing she wouldn't have liked are all the schools of little fish we've been seeing (in the clear spots between the seaweed). She had kind of a funny fear of fish swimming around her like that...and I'm really not sure she would even have gone into the water with all that seaweed...not being able to see what was around her feet and legs.

Hannah actually had a lot of little fears. Before she was diagnosed with cancer, that is. After her diagnosis, it seemed as though she was never afraid of anything again. She faced brain sugery, radiation, chemotherapy, going bald, countless MRIs, and more...all without fear. One time, when they were lying in bed together at night, Bethany asked Hannah if she was scared that she might die from her cancer. "No," she replied, with disdain in her voice, as if she couldn't believe Bethany even asked her that question.

How did she do that? How did she go from being a world-class worrier to a fearless warrior? The only answer is her faith in God. Her belief that her storm was fully under His control removed all fear.

I'm so thankful for the example my teenage daughter set for me. And I'm so thankful that my God is powerful enough to change a worrier into a warrior. If He could do it for her, He can do it for me, and you...and you....and you....and you....

Thoughtful Thursday -- A Challenge

2011-07-14T18:09:00.000-05:00

Taken from Joni Eareckson Tada's book, "A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty"...

"If you're facing what seems to be an overwhelming situation in your life this week, I want to encourage you to stand firm. Don't let this thing fill up your whole horizon. Don't let your anxieties swallow you up or drain your faith dry. Rather, stand firm and take action. Take it as an opportunity to do a little research of your own into God's Word. Compare Bible verses with each other; investigate the examples of Paul or Joseph or Daniel or Peter and how they dealt with bad news and suffering in their lives.

What a waste of an illness or injury if we read--or go on talking--day and night about that illness, that injury, and not about the God who allowed it for His own sovereign reasons.

My friend Dave Powlison has some very good advice in that regard.

Dave is a professor at the Christian Counseling Education Foundation. He's also fighting a war with a cancer that seeks to ravage his body. Used to being a man on the go, Dave has been forced to slow down and learn some new lessons in patience as he walks through this unexpected season of life. I've never had to face cancer myself [Actually, Joni is now facing a battle with breast cancer], but as I've watched Dave, I have drawn so much encouragement, so much help and hope, just observing the way he approaches the challenges of this disease.

As you well know, cancer is such an alarming word; it immediately spreads fear and doubt. Dave has gone through the usual chemotherapy routines--the waiting, the uncertainty, and the awful reaction to the drugs. But I'm amazed at the way he has kept his emotional balance...and his courage.

In the face of all the fear, pain, and sickness, just listen to what Dave wrote to me not long ago:

'Joni, I have learned that for every one sentence you say to others about your cancer,

say ten sentences about your God, your hope, and what He is teaching you,

and the small blessings of each day.

For every hour you spend researching or discussing your cancer,

spend ten hours researching and discussing and serving your Lord.

Relate all that you are learning about cancer back to Him and His purposes,

and you won't become obsessed with fears and doubts.'

The truth is, in this world it's a 100 percent guarantee that we will suffer. But at the same time, Jesus Christ is 100 percent certain to meet us, encourage us, comfort us, grace us with strength and perseverance, and yes, even restore joy in our lives. Your Savior is 100 percent certain to be with you through every challenge.

The Bible tells us time and again that God is faithful, and greater is He who is in you than any ache or pain or even terminal illness.

Remember today, if you start talking about your health issues--or any problems, for that matter--be sure to talk also about the grace of our wonderful Lord to sustain and save!"

And this is the challenge that has me thinking on this "Thoughtful Thursday"!

Tell About It Tuesday -- World Magazine

2011-07-12T23:34:00.002-05:00

I've been what I would describe as a compulsive reader for as long as I can remember. You may recall that I don't actually remember learning how to read...one day, when I was about 3 1/2 years old, I just could. And since that day, I've never stopped reading.

When I was a kid eating my breakfast cereal every morning, I would sit and read every word on the cereal box, even the ingredients. (Remember when they used to have games on the back of the box? And always a secret toy surprise inside, too.) Riding down the highway, I would read every single billboard. (At least I didn't read them all out loud, like my grandparents used to do.) I even remember reading whole sections of our Funk and Wagnall's encylopedias when I didn't have anything new to read. When I was in junior high, a teacher caught me with a paperback book tucked inside my textbook, and she was so angry she literally tore my book to shreds in front of the whole class. Can you imagine...a teacher physically tearing up a book because a kid was reading too much?

When I was growing up, our bathroom at home was always well supplied with copies of the Reader's Digest. I loved testing my vocabulary with the "Word Power" quizzes and chuckling at the "Laughter Is the Best Medicine" stories. Every issue contained an article called "Drama in Real Life", in which someone would be trapped in a blizzard on top of Mount Everest or be attacked by a mama grizzly bear protecting her cubs, or some such misadventure. That was always the article I turned to first. The Reader's Digest sure helped pass the time in the bathroom.

So in an effort to keep up the family tradition of having quality literature available in the bathroom at all times, I've been a subscriber to World Magazine for a number of years.

What is World Magazine? Think Newsweek or Time, but written from a Christian worldview. The editor-in-chief is Marvin Olasky, once a self-professed atheist who embraced Communism, and now an evangelical Christian who embraces conservatism. It not only contains well-written articles on politics and current news events, it includes book, music, and movie reviews, op-ed pieces, interviews with newsmakers (both Christian and non-Christian), and human interest stories ... all written from a Christian perspective. Sports, business, education, health, national and international news...they are all covered.

It is published every two weeks, and each year they publish a special "Books" issue (my favorite), as well as featuring an annual "Daniel of the Year"...a person or persons who have taken a strong stand for Christ, in spite of persection or oppression. They also highlight various compassionate conservative projects taking place around the nation, which are always interesting to read about.

The writers of World Magazine are unabashedly pro-life, pro-traditional marriage, and pro-compassionate conservatism, all the while acknowledging that we live in a fallen world where lost people are going to behave as lost people.

As Christians, I think we have a responsibility to be aware of what is going on around the world, as well as in our own American backyards. We should thoughtfully and prayerfully elect people to office who share our world view, and hold them accountable at the ballot box if they do not conduct themselves in an ethical and moral manner. We should be knowledgeable about the culture in which we live, being in the world, but not of the world.

So, if you would like to keep up with what's going on in the world, and would enjoy having your news written from a Christian perspective (and you're seeking some high quality bathroom reading material), I highly recommend World Magazine.

Monday Mourning -- Missing The Future

2011-07-11T15:47:00.000-05:00

When an older loved one dies, like a grandparent, you miss that person, and you miss the life you had with that person.

But when your child dies (or a young spouse, I would imagine) you not only miss the life you had with that person ... you miss the future that you would have had with that person.

Does that make sense ... that you can "miss the future"?

This past Saturday evening, we attended the wedding of a co-worker's daughter. The wedding was a beautiful affair, complete with a glowing bride and beaming groom, numerous smiling attendants, proud parents and grandparents, and a lavishly appointed reception.

And as I sat and watched the nuptials unfold, all I could think about was how much I missed the future.

-- I missed the son-in-law whom I will never meet.

-- I missed going wedding dress shopping and finding that "perfect" dress.

-- I missed all the wedding preparations ... showers, invitations, music, flowers, cakes, etc.

-- I missed hearing Brad say, "Her mother and I", in response to the pastor's question.

-- I missed "You may kiss the bride."

-- I missed the cutting of the cake.

-- I missed the leaving for the honeymoon.

-- I missed the grandchildren who will never be born.

And I ached for Brad, who will never walk Hannah down the aisle, and for Bethany, who will not have a sister to stand beside her as her maid of honor.

Ahhhh, but thank God there is another wedding to come in the future. And I'm not talking about Bethany's, as much as I'm looking forward to that someday (but not anytime soon!).

I'm talking about a ceremony much more elaborate and awe-inspiring than any earthly wedding. Here is what the Word of God says about that wedding...

"Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: 'Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear.'...Then the angel said to me, 'Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!' And he added, 'These are the true words of God.'" Revelation 19: 6-9 NIV

Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

Ten on the Tenth -- Favorite Children's Books

2011-07-10T22:22:00.000-05:00

My favorite quote from the movie "You've Got Mail" is when Kathleen, the heroine, says this..."When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does." Don't you love that? If you were a reader as a child, I know that quote rings true with you.

So, in honor of summer reading season, here are the ten books that "became a part of my identity" as a child...

1. "The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh" by A. A. Milne. The illustrations, of course, are beautiful, but my favorite thing about the Winnie the Pooh stories was the way the author used the text on the page to illustrate the blustery days and the floody woods. I absolutely love these stories.

2. "The Wizard of Oz" by L. Frank Baum. Of course, I loved the movie (Who didn't?), but the book was soooo much better! There's so much in the book that didn't make it into the movie....the Quadlings, the china princess, the Hammerheads, etc. I also loved "The Patchwork Girl of Oz."

3. "Misty of Chincoteague" by Marguerite Henry. I loved books about horses, and this one was my favorite. Stunning illustrations and a simply beautiful story. Other books by Henry are good as well, including "Stormy, Misty's Foal" and "Brighty of the Grand Canyon."

4. "Anne of Green Gables" by L. M. Montgomery. A beautifully written story about Ann with an "e", a spirited red-headed girl adopted by an elderly brother and sister who intended to adopt a boy to help out on their farm. As a shy, introverted child myself, I was absolutely enthralled by Anne's adventures.

5. "The Hiding Place" by Corrie ten Boom. I guess this is not typically a children's book, but I read it as a child and loved it. Being of Dutch heritage myself, I was fascinated by the insight into the Dutch culture of that period in the early part of the book, and inspired by Corrie and Betsy's unwavering faith in spite of great suffering in the latter part.

6. "Bambi" by Felix Salten. Yes, there really is such a book, and it predates the Disney movie version by nearly twenty years. And as is usually true, it is sooooo much better than the movie version. I loved it so much that I read it multiple times. (That's actually true of every book on this list, but I think I read this book more times than any other.) I remember checking it out of my elementary school library in Wisconsin over and over. And then a couple of years ago, I ran across it at our school library ... in a stack of books about to be discarded! I snatched it up and am thrilled that it is now part of my own personal library.

7. The "Little House" books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. All of them. I read them over and over. I wanted to be Laura. I also loved the TV series, but nothing could match the beauty and simplicity of the stories in these books.

8. "Black Beauty" by Anna Sewell. I loved how this book was written from the perspective of the horse. I remember being able to almost feel the bit in my mouth and the blinkers over my eyes as I read this one.

9. "Charlotte's Web" by E. B. White. What's not to love about Charlotte's Web? Wilbur was truly some pig, Templeton was such a nasty beast, and Charlotte A. Cavitica was the perfect heroine. And Fern...well, I wanted to be Fern, too. After all, her pig's life is saved, and then she gets to ride on the ferris wheel with Henry Fussy. What could be cooler than that?

10. "The Lion, The Witch, & the Wardrobe" by C. S. Lewis. I absolutely loved this book as a child, but I never could seem to get into the other books in the series ... until a couple of years ago, that is, when I read the entire series. In fact, I believe I got far more out of the series as an adult than I would ever have gotten out of it as a child.

How about you? What are the books that became a part of you because you read them as a child? I'd love to hear from you on this topic ... just leave a comment below.

Free-for-All Friday

2011-07-08T12:19:00.001-05:00

A few random items on this Free-for-All Friday....

1. Remember the little girl I posted about a few weeks ago? Well, last week sweet little Glory girl got to come home from the hospital for the first time in her eleven months of life! And I'm happy to report that she's doing well and enjoying spending time with her siblings and parents. She still has a long road ahead of her, but this is a huge step in the right direction! Please continue to keep her in your prayers...

2. We now have brochures printed with all the information about the various "While We're Waiting" retreats for moms, dads, and couples. If you would like for me to send you one (or more) to share with friends or family, please email me or leave a comment below with your address, and I'll be happy to put some in the mail to you!

3. Bethany started back to basketball practice this week. This may not seem like a big deal ... but this return to basketball comes after a fractured bone in her forearm, followed by a partial tear of the plantar fascia in her right foot, followed by a recent flare-up of mono. So, to say I am thankful for something as seemingly minor as a return to basketball practice is an understatement. She is doing well, and I am so proud of her for a multitude of reasons.

4. We are heading to northwest Arkansas this weekend to attend a wedding. I have not been to a wedding since Hannah went to Heaven nearly 2 1/2 years ago. Hmmmm....that could be the topic of my next "Monday Mourning post.

Thoughtful Thursday -- The Casey Anthony Case

2011-07-07T19:32:00.000-05:00

Daniel 7: 9-10 -- "As I looked, thrones were placed, and the Ancient of Days took his seat; his clothing was white as snow, and the hair of his head like pure wool; his throne was fiery flames; its wheels were burning fire. A stream of fire issued and came out from before him; a thousand thousands served him, and ten thousand times ten thousand stood before him; the court sat in judgment, and the books were opened."

I have no idea whether Casey Anthony took the life of her beautiful little girl or not. I certainly have some opinions about the matter, based on the evidence presented. And I can say with confidence that Casey Anthony's behavior is not typical of any bereaved mom I have ever met. But I also can honestly say that I'm very glad I was not a member of that jury.

But whether or not this young mother bears any responsibility for her child's death, the fact remains that a two-year-old girl is dead, and it is questionable at this point whether justice will ever be served.

In this life, anyway.

I participated in the "Daniel" study by Beth Moore this past fall, and in one of the videos she said something that really struck me. According to Beth (I like to pretend we're on a first-name basis), whenever the Bible refers to God as the "Ancient of Days" it is referring to Him as judge. And she pointed out that as the Ancient of Days, He always has been and always will be.

That means that He knows ... He knows about every injustice that has been committed since the beginning of creation. And He knows who committed each one.

So when we feel outraged at the injustices we see all around us ... we can rest in the knowledge that the Ancient of Days is on His throne.

And here's the best part. We already know what's at the end of the Book!

Daniel 7: 13-14 -- "I saw in the night visions, and behold, with the clouds of heaven there came one like a son of man, and he came to the Ancient of Days and was presented before him. And to him was given dominion and glory and a kingdom, that all peoples, nations, and languages should serve him; his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom one that shall not be destroyed."

P.S. For an excellent summary of a Christian response to the Casey Anthony trial, click here.

Wacky Wednesday -- Dining Dogs

2011-07-06T12:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the brief hiatus in posting (so much for my plan for daily posts this summer)! We had a house full of company over the Fourth of July holiday. My aunt and uncle from Indiana came for a visit and brought their beautiful boat...

So we've been spending the last several days hanging out with them and my parents, and doing all sorts of fun lake activities like this...

Anyway, things are settling down a little bit again around here...just in time for Wacky Wednesday!

A dear family friend, "Mema", sent me this video the other day, and I really got a kick out of it. It's lots of fun to watch....Enjoy!

Thoughtful Thursday -- Definitions

2011-06-30T15:38:00.000-05:00

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Have you ever wondered if God has different definitions for words than we do? I've come to believe that maybe His definition of "good" is different from mine. For example, my "good" would never include cancer, car accidents, war, or natural disasters. My "good" would consist of healing of all diseases, protection from all accidents or evil, seeing both of my children live long and healthy lives, and dying peacefully in my sleep at a ripe old age.

But in God's dictionary, could it be that "good" means anything that brings us closer to Him ... whatever that may be?

That's just what I've been thinking about this Thursday.

"...Yet in the maddening maze of things,

And tossed by storm and flood,

To one fixed trust my spirit clings;

I know that God is good!"

~John Greeleaf Whittier

Tell About It Tuesday -- The Vintage Pearl

2011-06-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

What Mom doesn't love to see her child(ren)'s name(s) in print? And how much sweeter is it when that name (or initial) is on a beautiful piece of jewelry?

That's what The Vintage Pearl specializes in. I first heard about The Vintage Pearl through a friend's blog, and instantly knew I had to have some of their jewelry. I went to their website and, of course, this was the first thing that caught my eye...

I ordered that for Bethany. She loves it. It's designed to look like an angel's wing, but she says it looks like half of a heart....the half of her heart that will always belong to her sister.

And then I ordered this for myself, with both of my girls' names on it...

They don't just do full names -- they do some items with just initials, and some with birthstones...

...And some items that don't have names or initials at all. Isn't this "peas in a pod" necklace just the cutest thing ever?

They also have beautiful rings and bracelets, and a variety of other items that you will just love. Just check out their website to see it all!

When we first started discussing the idea of the While We're Waiting Mom's Day, we knew we wanted to give all of our ladies some sort of gift. Naturally, I thought of The Vintage Pearl. We all love to have things with our child's name or initials on it....but for a Mom who's lost a child, those kinds of things are even more precious. And a necklace that keeps this remembrance of your child close to your heart...that's just extra special!

The Vintage Pearl is a Christian-owned company, and they were so gracious in working with us...even allowing us to send in our order at basically the last minute, and still getting it to us in plenty of time for Saturday's event. And when I received our order in the mail, I was absolutely tickled to see this...

Look how beautifully boxed these necklaces were, each with their own little ribbon and pearl accessory!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Vintage Pearl, for demonstrating the love of God to these women in such a thoughtful way!

Monday Mourning -- "While We're Waiting" Mom's Day

2011-06-27T15:56:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday, my friend Janice and I hosted our first "While We're Waiting" Mom's Day. This was a special day for moms who are waiting to be reunited with their children in Heaven. Our desire was to provide these dear ladies with a day of relaxation, pampering, fellowship with other moms who understand, spiritual refreshment, and encouragement to live in a way that honors Christ and honors their child(ren) while they're waiting for that glorious day.

I can't tell you what a blessing the day was ... not only for the ladies who attended, but for Janice and I!

The Moms began arriving around 9:30, and we were all a little nervous. Most of us had never met before, and here we were, coming together to talk about the most painful part of our lives! But as we stepped out onto the deck and enjoyed the view, we began to relax and get to know each other. Our original plan for the day had included a pontoon boat ride, but with the temperature predicted to soar into the upper 90's, we scrapped that idea. It was a good thing, too, because our day ended up being very full, as it was.

We enjoyed a delicious breakfast of homemade muffins, cheese and spinach quiche, and chocolate-covered strawberries, and then gathered in the living room to begin sharing our children's stories.

The time seemed to fly by as we cried and laughed together, and before we knew it, it was time for our "high tea". We feasted on a variety of yummy sandwiches, fruit salad, and had some delicious cake balls for dessert. And, of course, we had flavored teas and coffees.

We spent the afternoon discussing various topics that grieving moms deal with on a daily basis, ranging from dealing with the holidays, to how we feel about our child's gravesite, to how our husbands' grief differs from ours. We acknowledged the fact that none of these are issues we can "fix", but that it's just helpful to discuss them with other Moms who understand our feelings and experiences.

As we chatted about these issues, each Mom got to slip out to another room and have a private 20-minute massage from Kelly, a therapist with the Mobile Massage Company in Hot Springs. It was fun to see each Mom come back into the living room like a wet noodle after her massage!

When it was time for dinner, we gathered in the dining room, where some wonderful friends had created a beautiful, welcoming table for us.

Then Chef Franklin patiently explained how we were to correctly use the multitude of silverware that appeared at each place setting. He made learning proper table etiquette fun! He then served us the most marveous 5-course meal you can imagine. It felt like we were on the Food Network! He and his daughter would serve each course, and then he would stand back and explain exactly what we were about to enjoy, just like they do on TV. What a treat!

Our appetizer. I sure wish I could remember what all Chef Franklin said that all this stuff was. I do know that this had eggplant, tomato, mozzarella cheese, and radicchio (and some more things), all grilled.

Our salad was grilled romaine with a bleu cheese vinaigrette dressing, topped with chopped tomatoes, boiled eggs, and fried wontons.

The intermezzo (to cleanse our palates!) was to die for. This was a three-berry sorbet (blackberry, blueberry, and raspberry) with fresh blueberries.

The entree was a chicken breast stuffed with spinach and boursin cheese, white-truffle infused potatoes, and fresh asparagus with a carrot ribbon. It also had some kind of sauce, which I cannot begin to describe. It was outstanding!

Finally, for dessert, we had a chocolate torte with a caramel filling and chocolate ganache frosting and Moon Pie ice cream, all sprinked with raspberry-infused sugar.

Is your mouth watering yet? I kept thinking I wasn't going to eat all of each course, because I wanted to "save room" for dessert. Well, I cleaned my plate each time, and still managed to eat all of my dessert!

What an amazing day it was. And not just because of the incredible food and beautiful setting...although that was really nice!

What made the day so special was the opportunity to get together with a group of Moms who share a common grief, yet also share an uncommon faith -- the belief that God wants to heal from our losses and be whole again. Not to forget our pain...we will never forget it...but to grow through it, and to become the women that God intends for us to be while we're waiting to be reunited with our precious children one day.

We plan to host a "While We're Waiting" Moms Day every few months, and our next one will be September 17, 2011. We want to keep our gathering relatively small and intimate, so we will be limiting it to six Moms. If you would like to register, please go to our website and fill out the on-line registration form. It may fill up quickly, but if it's already full when you register, we will put you on the list for our next WWW Mom's day, which will probably be in January or February.

For those of you who prayed for us as we planned and held this event, let me say "Thank you!" The presence of the Lord was evident, and we could definitely feel your prayers lifting up our group!

Heaven's Gain

2011-06-25T22:09:00.000-05:00

Lauren Crook stepped into the arms of Jesus today after a long and brave battle with cancer. Her life has been an inspiration to so many, and she is now eternally healed. Please keep her family in your prayers as they face some very difficult days ahead.

Thoughtful Thursday -- More Thoughts About Healing

2011-06-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that "healing" is a bit of a sensitive topic for me. I sometimes have a hard time whole-heartedly singing along with praise choruses with lines like "He is the healer of all our diseases" or "Jesus is my healer."

Intellectually, I know that He is a God of healing, and that sometimes the healing occurs on earth and sometimes it takes place in Heaven. In my mind, I know that He is the healer of broken hearts.

But sometimes, I just can't seem to silence that little voice in my heart that asks, "But why didn't He heal Hannah in the way we asked Him to?"

I'm still working my way through Randy Alcorn's book "If God is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil." He does a really good job answering questions like the one above. In fact, he does such a good job, I'm not even going to try to paraphrase him. Please bear with me as I quote from Chapter 36. He begins with this striking statement:

"Asking God to always heal us and remove adversity is like asking Him to afflict us with spiritual apathy."

And then he continues....

"Scripture's prayers deal far more with spiritual growth than with physical health. Notice the focus of Paul's prayer for the Colossians:

'And we pray this in order that you may life a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthed with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.' (Colossians 1:10-12)

It's striking what Paul doesn't pray for: an elder's bout with cancer, the flu bug going around Colossae, an Asia Minor recession, kidney stones, back problems, and good weather for the church picnic. Did they have these issues back then? Sure. They had diseases, discomforts, financial strains, and bad weather. And did they pray for them? No doubt. But Scripture's recorded prayers seldom concern such things. They involve intercession for people's love for God, knowledge of God, walk with God, and service to God.

We should pray for ourselves and our suffering loved ones, not simply try to pray away suffering. "God, please heal this cancer" is appropriate. "God, please use for your glory this cancer, so long as I have it" is equally appropriate.

When you pray only for healing, what are you praying to miss out on? Christlikeness? Shouldn't we learn to pray that our suffering causes growth, that God will give us little glimpses of Heaven as we seek to endure, and that he would use us? I've mentioned Jim Harrell, a friend and ALS sufferer. Jim wrote me,

'As I contemplate what it would be like to be healed of this disease, God has caused me to focus on my own sinfulness and human condition. If healed, I genuinely fear that within a year at the latest I would begin to forget what it was like to be in this condition. I would fall into the trap of allowing life's distractions to divert me. While I realize these distractions are not bad in and of themselves, a clear and distinct advantage of suffering is its ability to sharply focus one on what's important.... The wonder of being healed would be indescribable; however, I seriously question whether or not that would be the best for my soul. I don't have an answer, but I do know my own heart.'

Hmmmmm....This really made me think. I have no doubt that God uses suffering for His purposes, which often are far beyond our understanding. Think about this ... Have you ever heard someone say, "I grew closest to God when my life was free of pain and suffering"? Most of the time (if not all of the time), it's exactly the opposite.

I'd love to hear your thoughts...